Fantasy Baseball Advice

And just like with the Wayan Brothers, the Marlins like sequels.  This offseason is a sequel to 1997′s spending spree.  We’ll call this one, “Don’t Be A Miser In South Florida While Drinking Your Profits In The Hood.”  Mark Buehrle signed on with the Marlins for $58 million.  The Marlins are currently acting like they are under the ownership of Montgomery Brewster.  Jeffrey Loria is investing so much, Bernie Madoff probably wishes he was back in the game.  It’s like Loria is investing all the money that Wilpon lost.  Last year Buehrle had his 3rd straight year of a K-rate under 5.  He’s about as bleh as pitchers get.  Anyway, here’s some more moves from the Winter Meetings for 2012 fantasy baseball:

Huston Street – Traded to the Padres for a player to be named later.  I think the PTBNL in the Street deal will be an undocumented worker from a meat processing plant.  Gotta keep Dante Bichette’s Inferno Hot Dog stand stocked up.  No one wants a repeat of the hot dogs with drifter meat from the Larry Walker Ranch.  Assuming Street will be healthy, he’ll be more than suitable as a closer.   Assuming Street will be healthy is like assuming you could sleep with Jessica Alba if she knew your name.

Rafael Betancourt – Even before Street was traded, Betancourt was tabbed to be the Rockies closer.  Now it’s official.  Hopefully he can put all talk of him being a cuddle boy behind him.

Francisco Rodriguez – Chose the money and to set-up Axford.  Definitely shows that competitive spirit that they teach the youngsters on the T-Ball fields is alive and well.  Just not with K-Rod.  See, it shows it in the negation.

C.J. Wilson – It wasn’t a done deal as of bedtime (around midnight PST.  I trim my mustache from 10 to 11, then I lather my mustache from 11:00 to 11:15 then– well, that’s not important), but it sounds like Wilson is signing with the Halos.  My Christian friends tell me that’s the Angels.  Hallelujah!  So what does this mean for Wilson’s value?  I’m glad you asked, Clunky Set-Up Question.  Dempster originally confounded me about so-so relievers becoming starters, then Wilson turned my t-shirt that reads “I’m confounded” inside out and ripped off the tag.  If Wilson can do what he just did calling Arlington home, no reason he can’t do it in Bobby Grichville.  He dropped his walks from 4.10 per 9 to 2.98 and upped his Ks from 7.50 to 8.30.  Guys and three girl readers, that’s a recipe for success.  I could see him putting up a line of 14-8/3.45/1.21/190.

Hanley Ramirez – Was demanding more money to change positions.  What do you ask for here?  An extra $750,000 for each foot you have to move to the right?  They should tell Hanley that 3rd base is a shorter run to get to balls down the line.  Maybe that’ll convince him.

Lastings Milledge – Signed with the Tokyo Swallows.  I look forward to his upcoming rap single, “Grab Crotch, Spit and Swallows.”

After seeing Edwin Jackson pitch yesterday, I felt as happy as this guy on the inside.  I ran around my block yelling “Yuuuuupppp” like Dave Hester in Storage Wars.  I went to Coldstone Creamery and got a low fat sundae that had 2700 calories and I ate it (with extra jimmies)!  Yesterday, Jackson’s line was 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners and 13 Ks.  He’s now 2-0 with a 1.93 ERA and 20 Ks in 14 innings.  Giddy up, snitches!  Sure, like I tell my girlfriends, beware the small sample size, but I liked Jackson throughout the preseason.  Wanna see where I wrote my Edwin Jackson fantasy in sparkle dust?  Click on that link-a-ma-thingie.  Right now, Jackson is owned in 29.1% of ESPN leagues.  Even when you consider 40% of all ESPN leagues are already abandoned, it’s still too low.  BTW, if other fantasy sites tell you to pick up Edwin Jackson now, tell them to go eff themselves, Razzball told you back in January.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Lastings Milledge – White Sox designated him for assignment.  That assignment is to stop sucking.

Trevor Cahill – 8 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. the Blue Kays.  Here’s what I said in the preseason, “Makes sense that Cahill can’t even buy a K in his last name.  In 2009, Cahill’s K-rate was 4.53.  Last year, it was 5.40.  It’s a good trend but I’ll wait until 2012 when it’s actually up to something presentable.  No Ks is a than, but no thans.  He’ll probably have an ERA over 4.00 in 2011, but I’ll be generous and give him… 2011 Projections:  8-9/3.90/1.15/130″  And that’s me quoting me!  I’m still on board with all that.  His xFIP was high last year and his K-rate was atrocious.  Now the interesting thing about Cahill — and, yes, when I say interesting, I probably mean not that interesting — he had a solid K-rate in the minors.  If Cahill strikes out guys this year, I’d only rank it a 5 on a scale of surprising.  Or about as surprising as food poisoning from all you can eat sushi.

Ricky Romero – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Even though he pitches in the AL East, I’d own him because RR Cool Jay is doing it well.

Jon Lester – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks.  This was against the Indians, but Lester is a bona fide number one against any wahoos.

Fausto Carmona – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Carmona looked good which isn’t a compliment to him but an indictment of the Sox right now.  Somebody cover Ted Williams’ frozen head, he shouldn’t have to see the Red Sox like this.

Sam Fuld – 1-for-3, 3 steals.  To paraphrase Kanye, “Let’s have a toast for those that steal three bags…”

B.J. Upton – 2-for-4, hitting .364 on the year.  Not sure what it is, maybe he was getting cold there in Longoria’s shadow, but Upton is about the only Ray currently hitting.  (Yeah, I went from Kanye to Bette Midler in the matter of two blurbs.  You’re welcome.)

Esmil Rogers – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Member when Rockie pitchers were unownable?  That was sooooo 2009!  Rogers works with a mid-90′s fastball, slider, changeup– Wait, who am, Stephen?  Rogers should have a mid to high 7 K-rate and be in the rotation for at least a month.  If he impresses, the Rockies will leave him in the rotation.  In deep mixed leagues and NL-Only leagues, I’d grab him to see if you can ride the lightning in a bottle or whatever that cliche is.

Jon Niese – 4 IP, 6 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks.  His leash shouldn’t be crazy long, but this was a tough match-up.  You gotta give him a little more slack.

Wilson Valdez – 4-for-4, 3 Runs, 3 RBIs.  It’s always interesting to see how players react to the threat of everyday violence from their fan base.  So far Valdez has done okay in Citizens Flank, but I imagine that will end shortly.

John Axford – Everyone’s favorite closer to lose their job in the first week of the season now has back-to-back saves.

Shaun Marcum – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Not quite as dominant as I want to see him every time out *cough* like Edwin Jackson *cough* but this was a step in the right direction.  BTW, am I the only one who thinks it’s hilarious that the Brewers are playing Nyjer and Gomez at the same time?  Opposing teams just need to shine a flashlight onto a wall to get them to run off base.

Ian Desmond – Led off and went 2-for-5 with 2 steals.  Now 6 for his last 10.  Yeah, you probably shouldn’t have dropped him after three bad games.

Sam LeClure – 5 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Doesn’t it seem like terrible pitchers do well on short schedule days?  Yeah, so that got me thinking… As many of you are aware, my IQ falls somewhere between brilliant and brilliantly stupid.  The technical term is “Hit or Miss.”  I wasn’t sure if this one theory I had was hit or miss, so I contacted frequent commenter, Simply Fred, like I was Tom Cruise contacting Ving Rhames to crack a safe.  I told him my theory — Hitters do worse on travel days (Monday and Thursday).  Simply Fred then went and did the ERAs for each day of the week. Turned out this theory was a miss.  There’s no correlation.

Scott Rolen – 1-for-1 with his 2nd homer.  Last year, 17 homers pre-All-Star break.  3 homers afterwards.

Alex Avila – Hit his 2nd homer in two games.  Now let the comments commence (say that fast 117 times!) about whether you should pick up Avila.

A.J. Burnett – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  If you ask me in the comments if you should start Burnett, I’m probably going to say no because I wouldn’t own him.  Or I’m going to say yes if you own him.

Adam Moore – Torn meniscus.  Simultaneously, the Appendix, Intercostal and Oblique scream, “Get in line!”

Adam Jones – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs, HR and a steal for the always delicious slam & legs.  Yesterday, I couldn’t believe I was getting questions asking about dropping Jones or picking up a dropped Jones.  Really?  After 5 games?

Francisco Liriano – 5 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  I hope this is because he had a short Spring Training.  I really hope so.  Do I think it is?  Yes, but I’m answering with my fingers crossed.

Nishioka Tsuyoshi – Fractured fibula.  No lie.

Luke Hughes – We have a new Aussie major leaguer.  Let’s hope he didn’t share a bed with this koala.  (Sorry, Snookie, that koala makes STDs look cute.)  Hughes hasn’t shown much power in the minors… or speed… or average, but he did hit well in Spring Training (6 homers).  I grabbed him in one league where I lost Nishioka.  As of right now, I would grab him in AL-Only leagues.  The inherent problem with Hughes is the Twins might just play Matt Tolbert.  And that’s The Tolbert Report.

After hours of rumors about a trade to the Yankees, Cliff Lee was traded to the Rangers.  Going the other way, Justin Smoak and some prospects.  We’ll get to Smoak in a bit.  You know who I really feel sorry for in this whole Cliff Lee ordeal.  The poor, poor New York Yankees.  Now they have to make due with CC, Vazquez, Hughes, Pettitte, Tex, Posada, Jeter, Swisher, Gardner, Cano and A-Rod.  Here’s hoping they can acquire Werth for the first man off the bench position.  Or Oswalt for middle relief.  My pet crocodile is crying for them.  Cliff Lee threw a 2.52 ERA in Citizens Flank last year with 40 Ks and 5 BBs.  Is The Flank that much better than Arlington?  No, it’s not.  He’s still in the AL West, at least, and not the AL East.  His first start vs. (Crap For) The Birds obviously wasn’t the confidence booster you would’ve liked to see, but he was rocked for 7 earned earlier in the year by the Padres.  These things happen.  I’m not worried about The Adverb.  Expect a low 3 ERA, great WHIP, solid Ks and Wins.  You can do worse, I assure you.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Justin Smoak – Arlington is obviously better for a slugging corner infidel, but unless Smoak gets hot he’s not ownable in mixed leagues at this point.  Right now where there’s Smoak, there is no fire.

Chris Davis – With the Smoak evacuation, Chris K. Davis gets another chance.  In Triple-A, Davis was showing what made Bill James change his shorts when he projected him for, like, 45 homers and 20 steals last year.  Everyone knows I’m a sucker for guys who give you a low average, high power and some speed.  Don’t write Davis off simply because he swings more than that creepy guy on Craigslist.  In the 2nd half, you can get double digit homers, some steals and a terrible average.

Carlos Silva – 1 1/3 IP, 6 ER.  We finally learn when his pact with the devil expires.

Mark Teixeira – 4-for-5 as PABST (Post-All-Star Break Stats Teixeira) moves his average over .250 for the first time all season.  Should be a fun 2nd half to own him.

Jered Weaver – 6 IP, 5 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Now with back-to-back starts that made me feel like I was in Requiem for a Dream’s back-to-back scene.  Hopefully the layoff helps him get back on track.

Carlos Quentin – 2-for-4, 5 RBIs and 2 more homers.  Now has 19 homers and 61 RBIs.  He’ll be in the top 100 for the 2nd half of the season that is coming tomorrow.  Could he hit 20 homers in the 2nd half with 50 RBIs?  It’s not out of the realm of possibility.

Daniel Hudson – 4 IP, 5 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks as he gave his owners a quick roofie while desecrating their WHIP and fondling their ERA.

Dayan Viciedo – 2-for-5 and a homer.  Now has a five game hitting streak with two home runs.  After the game, the Poughkeepsie Chapter of Speculating on Small Sample Sizes said that’s something to keep an eye on.

Gordon Beckham – 3-for-4 yesterday after hitting a homer on Saturday.  On the one team, I still have him on, I haven’t moved him from my bench in about a month.  He sonavabenches me every game because I’m spiting my nose by cutting Beckham off from my fantasy team.  In some illogical way, I feel like this will teach him a lesson.  Spread the word, Beckham — Grey will irrationally bench you if you don’t hit while in his lineup.

Zack Greinke – Was scratched with shoulder discomfort.  Not something you want to hear, obviously.  Though my guess is the “discomfort” was minor and rather than risk it they figured they’d give him a week and change off from his last start.  To put it in fancy doctorly parlance, this was a burp to avoid later indigestion.

Kerry Wood – 1/3 IP, 1 ER.  That’s just Wood getting his trade value up going into the break.  Maybe the Polish National Team will trade for him.

Dan Wheeler – Soriano pitched yesterday, so I guess he’s fine.  Sure was nice of Wheeler to leave a two run turd in a burning brown bag on my fantasy doorstep before I got to drop him.

Travis Wood – Pitched a one hitter on Saturday.  Here’s what I just said about Wood, “Stephen just went over his Travis Wood fantasy.  Stephen said, “drool worthy” “splits” “small sample size” “dramatic” “LOOGY.”  Man, I could never work for Zagat’s.  Wood’s an okay flyer in NL-Only leagues, I wouldn’t want him to roofie me in mixed leagues.”  And that’s me quoting me linking to Stephen!  As if it needs to be said, Wood’s nowhere near the guy he showed on Saturday.  To show you the inconsistency of rookie pitchers, let’s look at his first three starts.  7 IP, 2 ER vs. the Cubs, 4 2/3 IP, 3 ER in Metco and 9 IP, 0 ER in The Flank.  If you need the risk and upside, take a flyer, but there’s no telling what you’ll get next.  Also, the return of Volquez could send Wood to the minors quicker than if his name were Luis Polonia.

Aaron Hill – 1-for-4 with his 12th homer as he raises his average to .189.  His career average is .275 and his current BABIP is .188.  As parallel universe Shakira likes to say, BABIPs don’t lie.  Though it’s not all peaches and cream for the turn around.  He’s swinging at more balls outside the strike zone, which shows in his terrible line drive percentage, i.e., he’s not making good contact with the balls he’s reaching for.  He hasn’t shown any sign of breaking out, but Hill almost certainly has to be better in the 2nd half.  BTW, to recap at the break my overrated players coming into the season:  Jason Bay, Victor Martinez, Aaron Hill, Vazquez, Mark Reynolds, Billy Butler, Aramis, Sandoval, Manny and Mauer.  That’s a bit better than Meatloaf’s 2 out of 3.  You’re welcome.

Madison Bumgarner – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Yeah, for now you should own him.

Justin Morneau – He took a knee to the noggin and missed the final weekend of games.  His bruised melon will now make him take a knee on the All-Star Game.  It’s sadly comical how his body won’t let him get through a whole season.  Back, “I don’t feel like being sore.”  Head, “A’ight, I’ll take one for the team.”

Nick Markakis – Homered on Saturday while hitting near .400 over the last week.  Markakis has shown signs of life going into the break, which is nice since prior we were gathering pallbearers for his career.

Everth Cabrera – 2-for-5 with his 1st homer.  Cool, too bad you’re supposed to steal bases you schmohawk.

Mat Latos – Headed to the DL with I-can’t-throw-more-than-180 innings-itis.  I know I’ve said this before, but how do clubs get away with DL’ing guys that aren’t hurt?  Shouldn’t there be some sorta rules on this?  It’s like baseball’s version of the soccer flop.

Adrian Beltre – Left the game with a hamstring injury.  That turned into a leg cramp when Beltre remembered he was in a contract year.  All the King’s horses, all the King’s men couldn’t get Beltre out of the lineup during a contract year.

Jack Cust – 2-for-4 with a home run and steal.  Who let him get an 89 foot lead off first?

Vicente Padilla – 8 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks.  He’s ownable and startable in every home game where he has sub-3 ERA.

Corey Hart – 1-for-5 with his 21st homer in defiance of me.  That’s okay, it allows you to get more for him in a trade.

Lastings Milledge – 2-for-3 with a home run and a steal as he orders the slam & legs with a side of Victorino is out homering Milledge by 11.

Pedro Alvarez – Don’t look now but The Smashbuckler has three homers in the last 10 games.  Actually, you should look now.

Jose Reyes -  Was pulled from Saturday’s game because of his sore oblique.  Here’s what the Mets said, “I don’t think we have had any major setbacks because he did play.  He’s been down these roads before, but he’ll be fine.”  Here’s what I heard, “We have no clue what’s going on.  We ran his symptoms into WebMD and it said for him to take a lozenge.  Fingers crossed.”

Johan Santana – 7 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks.  The Ks have obviously disappeared, but Johan has a 2.98 ERA on the year.  How dare you complain.  I’ll give you Scott Baker, Kevin Slowey and 4 April starts from Verlander for a taste of that Joham.

Angel Pagan – About a month ago, I asked Razzball Nation to start the Benchy Frenchy campaign online and at Metco.  I’d like to now report the Mets listened and will shift Pagan to right when Beltran returns.  The truly miraculous part of our accomplishment is I don’t think any of you actually did anything.  Yet, it still worked.  When you see the difference one little site in the corner of the interwebs can make by doing nothing, it makes you want to do more of nothing.

If there’s one guy who can’t afford to lose a foot, it’s the five-three Dustin Pedroia.  As of post time, it’s not clear how long Pedroia will be out with his fractured foot.  My guess is 4 to 6 weeks.  One thing Scrappy Doo does is fight.  It’s a wonder he can carry around the over-sized baboon heart he’s got.  One thing Scrappy Doo doesn’t do (say that fast 117 times) is sit on the sidelines, but to paraphrase the Christian Slater/Marisa Tomei classic, Untamed Heart, “You love with your mind and soul, not your heart.  But you don’t hit with your mind and soul when you have a fractured foot.”  So while Dusty’s shelved, you need to find a replacement.  Some ways you can look for average?  Aviles or Kendrick.  Steals?  Figgy or Theriot.  RBIs?  Barmes or Guillen.  Runs?  Walker or Polanco.  All of these options depend on your league depth, obviously.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Clay Buchholz – Hyperextended his knee on Saturday, but the word on Lansdowne Street is he will avoid the DL and shouldn’t miss more than one start, even if that.  Good news indeed, he’s Clay aching but he should be back to filling your fantasy gloryhole soon.

Victor Martinez – Fractured his left thumb.  Yeah, that’s bad news.  Right now, the team is saying he might not need a DL stint.  DL stint or not, I can’t imagine this won’t effect his hitting.  You know, the, uh, reason you own him in fantasy.  Red Sox should borrow some steel-toed boots and body armor from The Rathskeller bouncers.

Carlos Zambrano – Big Z mad!  Big Z and Derrek Lee were seen going at in the dugout after Lee defended the Gatorade cooler’s honor.  Big Z suspended!  When he returns, he’ll be pitching out of the bullpen.  Maybe the Cubs can work out some kind of in-game nursery where Big Z nannies while on the bullpen bench.  Big Z nurtures!

Tyler Colvin – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs with his 10th homer as he hit leadoff.  I don’t think it continues, but there’s no reason why you shouldn’t own him now.

Carlos Marmol – 1 IP, 3 ER.  Kazaam!

Paul Konerko – Hit his 20th homer while Vernon Wells hit his 19th as the Battle For Best Value From A Draft Pick That Everyone Yawned At continues.

Bobby Jenks – Left the club for a family emergency.  Thornton or Putz will fill in for him.  Or it could be Putz, Thornton.  Or maybe Thornton Putz the III.

Chris Narveson – 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Wow, this was a spectac–  Oh, this was vs. the Mariners.

John Axford – Recorded his 7th save.  Hoffman’s actually done enough to warrant the closer role again, but Axford hasn’t done anything to lose it.  That’s the pickle between the rock and the hard place.

Rickie Weeks – 4-for-5 as he hit his 13th homer.  All you Weeks owners out there, you’re playing with house money and I hope the Injury Reaper comes to collect soon.

Chone Figgins – Not sure if his shipment of Red Bull just came in, but he has 7 steals in his last 5 games.  Figgy Smalls is the stealie-est.

Russell Branyan – Acquired by the Mariners.  First, the Orioles acquire Jake Fox, now the M’s get Branyan.  Maybe the Pirates can get Xavier Nady next.  As for Branyan, his value stays the same.  He hits homers (10 in 171 ABs) and that’s about it.

Evan Longoria – Longoria and Upton went at it yesterday for Upton’s lack of hustle and the pass he made at Tony Parker.  I heard about the fight before seeing the replay (Upton was lollygagging), but it didn’t surprise me at all.  I was watching the Rays the other day and Upton hit a grounder that he wouldn’t have beat out, but he still could’ve ran down the line.  Someone should smack a 44-cent stamp on Eckstein’s forehead and ship him to Tampa so he can have an instructional seminar about running to first.  Or maybe we can have a three inning exhibition held during All-Star Game weekend with the All-Effort Team taking on the Effortless Team.

Brennan Boesch – 2-for-5 with his 12th homer.  Where have I heard his name before?  Oh, I know!  Every Razzball roundup for the last month.  Geez, you’d think I’d know since I’m the one in charge of cracking the whip at the 100 monkeys who write this shizz.

Tommy Hanson – 3 2/3 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Kinda sucks if you own him, but I don’t so… Schadenfreude, snitches!

Johnny Damon – 1-for-4 with two steals.  Did Jules stab him in the heart with some adrenaline?  Man, did Damon get old fast.  He reminds me of Randy Winn.  You are not a better man than I, Jandy Dinn.

Brett Cecil – 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER, 11 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Last time I talked about how Cecil could have a tired arm.  This time I’d like to say he’s unstartable.

Scott Baker – 4 1/3 IP, 6 ER, 11 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Through 96 IP, he has 83 Ks to 19 BBs and his home games are in a pitcher’s park.  His 4.97 ERA just isn’t computing, but unless you and your leaguemates get together at the end of the year and discuss what your ERA should really be, you can’t afford to keep running Baker out there.

Jonathon Niese – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks and calmly explained to Julie why she shouldn’t call Heather B. “her sista.”

Shin-Soo Choo – 2-for-4 with 2 homers.  If loving Choo’s wrong, I don’t want to be right.

Kerry Wood – Wood will be traded to someone, who will regret it, and Chris Perez will take over.  That’s your cue to grab Perez.

Matt LaPorta – Will take over for Branyan and play every day.  Decent flyer for AL-Only leagues and 20 team leagues that use only Cleveland Indian players.

Mitch Talbot – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks and a 3.88 ERA on the year.  That’s nice, I wouldn’t pick him up with your team.

Jaime Garcia – 2 IP, 5 ER, 6 baserunners, 0 Ks.  It’s a bird, it’s a plane… Oh, crap, it’s Jaime Garcia falling back to earth.  Watch out!

Colby Rasmus – 2nd homer in two games and now has 16 homers on the year.  Okay, I get it.  You’re breaking out, I was wrong to say to sell you.  Message received, loud and clear.  I won’t even bother reiterating how your HR/FB is too high.

Will Venable – 3 homers and 2 steals in the last week while batting near .350.  Sure, grab him while hot, but next week it could be back to Will Unable.

Luke Gregerson – Got the save yesterday as Bell had the day off.  I wonder if he went to Sea World.

Billy Wagner – Had a cortisone shot on his ankle on Saturday, but says he’ll be good to go for the next save opp.  Peter Moylan or Saito, in reverse order, would fill in if need be.

Lastings Milledge – Hit his first homer of the year yesterday.  Yes, like first first.  That’s pretty gangsta, Lastings.  You should write a rap song about how Jody Gerut is outhomering you in 150 less at-bats.

Ian Stewart – Now has two homers in the last five games.  It’s not quite the Mini Mini Donkey punch we all want, but it’s a start.

Jhoulys Chacin – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 12 Ks.   It’s pronounced Yo-lease and 12 Ks is “Yo, nice!”  Now has 71 Ks in 66 2/3 IP, while making it look yo-leasy.  Coors is terrifying in mixed leagues, but Jhoulys is out pitching a bunch of better bets right now.  Member the courage you didn’t have to draft Ubaldo?  Here’s your chance for redemption.

Mike Napoli – Hit a homer yesterday.  Word out of Bobby Grichville is the Angels are shopping Napoli.  Napoli should’ve seen it coming when Scioscia kissed Napoli on the lips at the Angels New Year’s Eve party and told him he broke his heart.

Edwin Jackson – Good for Edwin, though this was the ugliest no-hitter since Bob Forsch threw one in 1983.  And that was only ugly because Willie McGee was on the field.

Miguel Montero is out with a torn meniscus.  I can think of other cuss words that his owners may be thinking right now.  A knee problem seems like a bad thing for a guy who’s supposed to be crouching for 9 innings.  Like a can’t-Catch 22.  Montero was a popular sleeper pick to enter the premium catcher tier of Mauer/Martinez/McCann after a strong 2nd half, but the only thing he’ll have in common is the M factor.  It’s unclear if he’ll be out for at least a month or longer.  Either way, Snyder now has a full time gig.  And that’s about where the good news ends.  Don’t get caught up in the Montero afterglow.  Snyder has a career .233 average in over fourteen hundred at-bats and averages about 15 homers over a full season of ABs.  So, ya know, you can probably do better even if Chris Snyder hit a homer yesterday with 5 RBIs in Arizona’s blowout (last time Arizona scored that much on Pittsburgh was the Super Bowl).  Actually, Snyder’s a surefire top 10 catcher if he gets 100 more games against the Pirates.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Frank Francisco – I go about buying closers like I buy wine.  I pick up a closer.  Swirl it around in my glass, take a quick waft and whiff then I guzzle it.  Two Buck Chuck tastes the same to me as a twenty-year-old Bordeaux.  In fact, I don’t even know if a twenty-year-old Bordeaux is good.  I’m guessing and too lazy to Google it.  I’ll drink a red wine with chicken, a Chardonnay with a Nathan all-beef frank.  Doesn’t matter to me.  Mad Dog 20/20 and ice passes the “cheap and it will get me drunk” test.  So it’s only natural I ended up with a bunch of cheap closers.  Frank-Frank was one of them.  Belch.  Frank² is out for the near future in favor of Neftali Feliz.  Could Feliz run with the job and end up having it all year?  Yup.  Frank-Frank went womp-womp.  I wouldn’t drop Francisco yet, except in the shallowest of leagues.

Ryan Zimmerman – Hamstring issue and he’s going to miss a few days.  Adam Kennedy will finally get his chance to show that his 4617 career at-bats were a fluke.

Brian Roberts – Expects to miss about a week with a strained abdominal muscle.  That’s the good news.  The bad news is it really feels like this is headed to be a mess of a season for Roberts.  First the back, now the abdominal, next you’re looking at your fantasy team in September and wondering why you ever held onto Roberts.  At the first sign of good news, I’d look to move him.

Mike Gonzalez – You know when you’re trying to do your friends a solid by giving them a ride home when they’re drunk and then they vomit in your car and your car smells like vomit for years later reminding you that it’s always better to be the drunken idiot than the designated driver?  Vomit in this case has been Mike Gonzalez’s pitching for the last week.  The car in this case has been your team ERA.  A few times on site I told you about my concerns with Gonzalez.  Managers don’t like lefties as their closer.  Jim Johnson is a must own and, unfortunately, Gonzalez is a must hold for now.  He’ll be given a few, much needed days off.

Aaron Hill – Out until early this week with a sore hammy, which sounds like Ms. Piggy right before she hi-yah’s.

Travis Snider – Looks like a three outcome player:  ground into DP, strikeout, pop-up.

Kevin Gregg – Picked up two saves this weekend because the Jays had five save chances in the last five games.  Frasor’s still the closer, but this makes it obvious who the Jays would turn to in the event Frasor losses his shizz.  But if the Jays turned to Gregg then the Jays would lose their shizz and then the closer job would be up in the air again.  Anyway, it’s still Frasor.

Roy Halladay – Zero earned runs and 8 Ks vs. an Astros lineup which featured Cory Sullivan as their three hitter.  The Astros would’ve been better off if they auto-drafted.

Brad Lidge – Hit hard in his rehab start.  Ma nishtanah…

Charlie Haeger – 6 IP, 3 ER.  He had 12 Ks, but Haegar’s day wasn’t wrinkle-free.   He throws a knuckler and you can never trust a knuckleballer.  Some days Haeger will throw 12 Ks, other days he’ll give up 7 runs in two innings.

Franklin Gutierrez – 2-for-4 as he bats .444 with 2 steals.  He’s now batting 3rd vs. lefties and 4th vs. righties.  The Big FraGu is headed for top 40 outfielder value this year.  I own him on multiple teams if that makes it less awkward for you.

Josh Willingham – 2-for-3, 5 RBIs yesterday after he was invigorated with his appearance in Friday’s Buy/Sell on the right side, which is the left.

Johan Santana – 5 IP, 5 ER, 3 Ks vs. the Nats.  Okay, the Nats are better on offensive than they’ve been, but in Metco?  Seriously?

Jeff Francoeur – 2-for-3, hitting .476 on the year.  I’m guessing that comes down.  But he’s still only 26-years-old.  If this is indeed his coming out party, it would be more shocking than Ricky Martin’s, but not completely shocking.

Chipper Jones – Glass Chipper’s return date was pushed when he hurt his back testing his strained oblique.  Chipper’s like a giant injury domino.

Clay Buchholz – 5 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 1 K as he squeaked out the win.  Wasn’t a great start vs. the Royals.  I’d hold onto him for another couple of starts and hope for the best against the Rays next time out.

Jacoby Ellsbury – Left the game with a rib injury.  Reminded me of this time I was at Tony Roma’s… Oh, wait.  Ellsbury’s day-to-day as of post time, but I won’t blink until I get an update (because I’ll be sleeping).

Scott Podsednik – 2-for-4, 2 steals.  Now has 4 steals on the year.  SAGNOF!

Jose Guillen – 2-for-4 with 2 HRs while Billy Butler had one WTF (warning track fly).

Mike Leake – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 Ks, 11 baserunners with 7 BBs.  Dusty, the Übermensch, limited Leake to 106 pitches.  Don’t think Leake can be relied on to not roofie you, but in the right matchups and deep enough leagues, I’d look at him.

Aroldis Chapman – Struck out 9 in four and two-thirds in Triple A.  Aroldis can have a 2009 Tommy Hanson-type impact when he’s called up.  Expect the phone to ring around June.

Chris Perez – 1 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, blown save.  Four walks and a wild pitch.  Hey, Mike Gonzalez, that’s not how you blow a save, this is how you blow a save.

Grady Sizemore – Scratched on Sunday due to back tightness.  See, I usually do that for back itchiness.  Sizemore should be fine this week.

Trevor Hoffman – 1 IP, 3 ER with the blown save.  I’ve had Frank-Frank, a Mike G. disjoint and Hoffman brain freezes on multiple teams.  Rub your Razzhands together and send me the strength.

Justin Verlander – 5 IP, 6 ER, 3 Ks.  Can’t someone sneak into Verlander’s hotel room and switch all his calenders to May?

Lastings Milledge – 3-for-5, but not so much about what he did yesterday.  He’s now hitting third in the lineup.  Deep leagues, you could do worse.

Kelly Johnson – HR yesterday, hitting near .400 over the first week of the season.  He’ll be batting in the top half of the order by next week.

Krispie Young – HR yesterday.  TCBY — what’s that stand for, you ask?  It stands for That’s Chris B. Young.  We’re not talking about fro-yo, yo.  Own Krispie, immediately.

Scott Kazmir – Set to return Thursday vs. the Yankees.  Guy can’t even get injured right.  He can’t have a small setback and return right after the Yankees series?

Jake Fox – Unathletic like a Fox got the start at catcher on Sunday.  Four more to go for eligibility in Yahoo leagues.  Probably will happen by mid-May.

Carlos Gonzalez – Left the game with hamstring tightness.  Jim Tracy yanked Fowler off of chatroulette and inserted him into the game.  Fowler might see more action if CarGo is a no go.

Miguel Olivo – 2-for-4 with a homer and a steal yesterday.  This came a day after Iannetta homered.  This looks like a straight timeshare with both guys getting 15+ homers and 300 ABs.  I’m running both guys out there in separate leagues.  It don’t matter, just don’t fight it.

Barry Bonds – Said he was proud of McGwire’s return to baseball.  That’s the Bad Housekeeping Seal of Approval.

Chase Headley – 2-for-4 as he bats .440 in the first week.  I’m Drooly McDroolystein for this guy right now, but the real test will come in home games.  The real test comes this week.

Chris Young – Still feels soreness in shoulder and will now go on the DL.  It’s unfortunate there’s only one doctor in the San Diego area tall enough to treat him and he’s busy doing a tonsillectomy on a giraffe at the San Diego Zoo.