Holy hell was week 1 long… though it’s always good when your ace goes three times in the first week. Hopefully, everyone has remained calm and not added Alex Avila and Willie Bloomquist to anchor anything not named a boat. It’s way too early to get all ‘Jerry McGuire’ and say, “The fish are coming with me.” This fantasy is a relationship — not a one night stand! Assuming that you drafted well and injuries or appendices don’t get in your way, your team should be built to last. To me, there is nothing sweeter than streaming. It makes your opponent think two things, “Hey, this guy is paying attention” and, “Damn, this guy wants to not only beat me but destroy me.” That is what it’s all about folks. Treat every week like you do the last week of the season and I guarantee those last few weeks will actually mean something. So here are your week 2, less owned, two start fantasy baseball hurlers. Good luck. (Pitchers and match ups may change so please be aware)
Kyle McClellan (@Ari-Enright, @LAD Kershaw) – Duncan is the Rumpelstiltskin of pitching. For now, I’m sold and will be until he hits that wall at 120 innings or so.
Joe Blanton (@Was- Lannan, Fla-Volstad) – Mentally it must suck to be known as the other guy. No respect? No worries! Thornton Melon’s got your back… Just stop giving up 7 run leads.
Michael Pineda (Tor-Romero, @KC Francis) – Good stuff, bad offense. Any start for a Seattle pitcher will be a crap shoot for a Win. They just don’t have the ‘O’ to go anywhere but last place.
Jason Hammel (@NYM-Pelfrey, CHC-Coleman) – Colorado’s offense versus a chronic hand licker and a guy who sounds like an female Irish bar keep? Yeah, it depends on the bar.
Brian Duensing (KC-Francis, @TB-Price) – Still SP/RP sexy. Rays are scuffling and Price isn’t as good as some ‘perts are sayin’. None here, of course.
Alexei Ogando (@Det-Verlander, @NYY-Burnett) – Rough match up week for the kid. Wait is 27 years old still a kid? Anyhoo, career high in innings is 41, which includes the minors.
Jesse Litsch (@Sea-Hernandez, @Bos-Matsuzaka) – Tough week for the road warrior pick. I went over Seattle above in a nut shell. Boston is the kid who falls asleep drunk and everyone draws on his face. Until he wakes up and kicks everyone’s ass.
Esmil Rogers (@ NYM- Niese, CHC- Dempster) – Gangly is the best word for him. Looks like an 8 foot octopus wearing a baseball hat. Deceptive delivery, plus lack of video equals fantasy gold until they figure him out.
Kevin Correia (Mil-Marcum, @Cin-Volquez) – Olympics, Kim Jong-il land the pitcher. The three things we know about Korea. Somewhere, James Taiwan is yearning for attention. Hard to be the ace of a bad team, usually a match up disaster.
Jeff Francis (@Min-Duensing, Sea -Pineda) – Rule of 2’s for shoulder surgery guys. Hop on the KC bandwagon now… it’ll prolly run out of gas by June.
Jordan Walden is replacing Fernando Rodney as the closer for the Angels. The Angels decided to drop a guy with two first names for a guy with two last names. Makes sense – you start a game with a guy with two first names, you close a game with a guy with two last names. (No bullpen backup plan for you, Jeff Francis!) (Oh, and don’t forget Charles (Jeff) Nelson Reilly in middle relief.) Walden should be owned in every league that counts things like saves. Seems like a Neftali-type situation. Walden has to lose the job back to Rodney. Fernando can’t win it back by just being good (as remote as that even seems). By June, Walden can be a Donkeycorn and never look back. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Kendrys Morales – Took BP. Where? To court for the oil spill? *rereading news report* Oh! Batting practice. That’s a good sign. If someone lost patience with Kendrys, I’d buy him for sixty cents on the dollar. No more though, he could be a setback away from missing another month.
Hank Conger – Homered in his first start of the season. Here’s what Stephen said about Conger, “He has above average bat speed and contact. His plate-discipline is stellar but his defense is still marginal at best. I don’t see the Angels giving him much of a chance catching.” And that’s me quoting Stephen! Conger’s in a tough spot for playing time; Scioscia loves Mathis like a fat kid loves cake.
Sean Rodriguez – 1-for-3 with his first homer. This comes after Maddon announced Felipe Lopez would see time at 3rd while Longoria’s out. Sean-Rod pissed off the baseball gods in another life because he just can’t get guaranteed playing time no matter where he is. Oh, and on a real baseball note, the Rays don’t look good. That is all.
Madison Bumgarner – 3 IP, 3 ER vs. the Padres. When the only hitter you need to pitch around is Nick Hundley, you kinda should beat the team… Or at least get out of the fourth inning.
Aaron Harang – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks. Before the game, Tony Gwynn announced the arrival of a brand new Hodgepadre. Then Tony ate a hot fudge sundae while watching a videotape of his old at-bats. Pretty unsexy name, but the Harangutan is worth starting at home in every league until he no longer is.
Mike Leake – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks. Before you run out and pick him up, this was against the team Ed Wade’s Toupee put together that is currently 0-4.
Mike Stanton – Pinch hit yesterday, but is supposedly not starting until Friday with his hamstring strain. The real sad emoticon in this whole thing is he had leg issues in the spring so hopefully this won’t be an ongoing issue the whole year.
Gaby Sanchez - 2-for-5, hitting .444 on the year. I wouldn’t defrost Ted Williams head just yet, but he’s hitting well.
Anibal Sanchez – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 7 Ks. It’s not Dirty Sanchez, it’s not Filthy Sanchez, it’s Unsanitary Sanchez.
Ryan Zimmerman – 1-for-2 with his first homer and he’s hitting .364. Member when you wouldn’t draft him because he wasn’t playing in Spring Training? Oh, you.
Mike Morse – 1-for-4 with 3 Ks, now hitting .154. I’d say he’s not hitting righties, but he’s not hitting lefties either.
Brandon McCarthy – 8 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks vs. the 1927 Blue Jays. What I’m thinking with McCarthy is Beane, as played by Brad Pitt, hasn’t had much luck in the last few years, so McCarthy is gonna pan out. I think that’s confirmation bias, but I don’t feel like going to Wikipedia to look it up. Either way, that’s a marginal ‘keep your eye on him, but don’t pick him up yet.’ (Sorry, you now have to read the rest of this with one eye.)
Conor Jackson – 2-for-4 as he hit 3rd. He’s like totally recovered from Valley Fever, as if. BTW, he’s a backup outfielder as of right now. Yes, a team is very good when they have a backup outfielder batting third. /sarcasm
Brian Fuentes – Out with a blister. The A’s manager hopes Fuentes can go Wednesday. Fantasy managers that own Fuentes aren’t sure what to hope for.
Alex Gordon – 3-for-5 with his first homer (in possibly 4 years, or maybe it just feels that way). After he hit the home run, fireworks went off… In my heart. He’s batting third and hitting; ask questions later, just pick him up.
Alcides Escobar – 1-for-5. Whoopie-doo, I know. But he stole his 2nd base. Last year, it took him until May 29th to steal his 2nd base. Oh, it’s on.
Yovani Gallardo – 9 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 2 Ks. Rudy picked him to win the Cy Young. In the preseason, I ranked him 10th overall for all starters. If you’re reading this, you probably own him. Yay us!
Carlos Gomez – Benched for Nyjer. And that’s how quickly a major league manager can realize a player sucks at baseball. Oh, well.
James McDonald - 4 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks. I gotta be honest, my heart wasn’t fully into this guy as a potential late round bargain. Pirates pitchers are arghuably the worst in baseball from 1 through 5. In most competitive leagues, I’d hold McDonald for another start, but start making other plans.
Kyle McClellan – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks. I’m eating whatever Dave Duncan is cooking.
Cole Hamels – 2 2/3 IP, 6 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks. Drop him! I keed. He had a 5.28 ERA last April and still ended the year with a 3.06. As they say in Vegas about the shoe, you gotta deal with it.
Chris Young – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks. Was so cute the way the giraffes at the Bronx Zoo all gathered around the TV to watch this start. I liked Young when he pitched for the Padres, and Metco isn’t that bad, but his fastball has been trending down for four years and he works up in the zone. 9 baserunners in 5 and a third like yesterday isn’t great. You can pick him up, I wouldn’t. I.e., You do what you do and I’ll do what I do and we’ll be fine.
Josh Tomlin – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks. I believe Josh Tomlin was a child actor on an 80′s sitcom. I wouldn’t pick him up, Willis.
Josh Beckett – 5 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks. Sticking with the newly established Josh theme, I don’t love Beckett to bounce back from last year.
Barry Enright – 6 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks. Uncle Barry was babysitting the baby bears and they went wild. BTW, Barry Enright vs. Andrew Cashner sounds like a match-up in the Greater Westchester County Dental Tennis league.
Andrew Cashner – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 2 Ks. Pitched beautifully until he left the game with tightness in his shoulder. Accidentists happen.
Tyler Colvin – 1-for-3 with his 1st homer of the year. It’s about time! Oh, wait, it’s less than a week into the season. Eh, you probably dropped him already.
Jhoulys Chacin – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks. Another pitcher I told everyone and their pedophile uncle to draft. Hope you had the peanuts to start him in Coors.
Chris Iannetta – 1-for-3 with his first homer and he’s hitting .444 on the year. I saw someone ask the other day in the comments if they should drop him. Didn’t you just draft him?
Michael Pineda – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks. Not bad vs. Texas. But, hey, listen, he’s a rookie, it’s not going to be all peaches and cream in the champagne room every start out.
Willie Bloomquist – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and a steal. Justice has been served!
Juan Miranda – 1-for-3. Kirk Gibson announced Miranda would get the majority of the starts to see what they have in him. Finally, a manager that makes a smart decision. Miranda’s worth a flyer in leagues 14+ to see if he can not only stick but make good on some of his promise.
Justin Upton – 1-for-4, I wish Justin and B.J. had a brother named Wes. Wesssssupppppton!
Mark Teixeira – His fourth homer. He attributed his newfound early season success to not sleeping since last October. This message was sponsored by Red Bull.
Alexi Ogando – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks. A… O… A’ight! He left with a blister. Probably because he was throwing heat. He won’t be in the rotation for long, but you have my permission to grab him while he is.
Aaron Hill – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs. I think I heard mumblings in the forums or the comments or somewhere that Aaron Hill is already a bust. Um, they’ve only played four games and he’s hitting cleanup for the 1927 Blue Jays. Chillax.
Jose Bautista – Out because of a personal matter. I’m guessing he’s in Russia killing people for Ben.
The Angels decided to drop a guy with two first names for a guy with two last names.
Neftali Feliz is now a starter. Or is he? Emphasis on the ‘or.’ Or is it on the ‘is?’ You’ll never know! Muahahahahaha… Yeah, I don’t think Feliz is going to be a starter. They got to the World Series the way things were, you change that? Ogando or O’Day or Oliver or… What’s with the O names? Here’s a sneak peek of a post title for the first game one of these schmohawks blows a game, “Rangers Say O’Shit.” Any the hoo! Washington has said he likes Feliz getting the final three outs. I think Washington gets what he wants, but I suppose anything’s possible. For that reason, I’m dropping Feliz down the closer ranks. The other big loser since the last closer look is Drew Storen. I think he should be the closer, but the Nats are hesitating about calling him the closer. If he secures the job, he’ll move back up the charts. For now, he has some risk. Anyway, here’s all of the closers for your fantasy baseball team, as of right now:
$12 Salads
You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad? Every time you go there, you have a thoroughly solid meal. No complaints, except you just paid $12 for a salad when you could’ve went to McDonald’s and stuffed you and your woman for ten schmools and had $2 in quarters left over to make the hotel bed vibrate. These closers are $12 salads.
1. Mariano Rivera (Rafael Soriano, Joba Chamberlain) 2. Heath Bell (Luke Gregerson, Chad Qualls, Mike Adams) 3. Joakim Soria (Jeremy Jeffress, Robinson Tejeda) 4. Brian Wilson (Sergio Romo, Jeremy Affeldt, Santiago Casilla)
Donkeycorns
Imagine you’re following a donkey, who’s wearing a wool cap, through a desert for 1700 miles. Why are you following a donkey? Because he promises you something wonderful and you just need to trust him. Does the donkey talk? Yes. Yes, he does talk. So when you and the donkey in the wool cap arrive at his destination, he removes his the wool cap to reveal a horn. The donkey is a unicorn and his gift to you for your trust is saves. These closers are Donkeycorns.
5. Carlos Marmol (Kerry Wood, Andrew Cashner) 6. Jonathan Papelbon (+1) (Daniel Bard, Bobby Jenks) 7. Jose Valverde (+2) (Joaquin Benoit, Ryan Perry) 8. Jonathan Broxton (Hong-Chih Kuo, Matt Guerrier, Kenley Jansen) 9. J.J. Putz (+4) (Sam Demel, Juan Gutierrez) 10. Francisco Rodriguez (Manny Acosta) 11. John Axford (+3) (Takashi Saito, Zach Braddock) 12. Huston Street (Matt Lindstrom, Rafael Betancourt) 13. Andrew Bailey (-2) (Brian Fuentes, Grant Balfour) 14.Chris Perez (+1) (Rafael Perez) 15. Matt Thornton (+6) (Chris Sale, Jesse Crain) 16. Craig Kimbrel (Jonny Venters, George Sherrill) 17. Brad Lidge (+1) (Ryan Madson, Jose Contreras, Danys Baez) 18. Neftali Feliz (-13) (Darren O’Day, Darren Oliver, Alexi Ogando, Mark Lowe) 19. Francisco Cordero (Aroldis Chapman, Nick Masset)
Brain Freeze
I’m going on a picnic and I’m bringing apples, bananas and Kevin Gregg– Wait, he just gave up 12 earned runs and hit Brian Roberts in the head with a pickoff throw. Brain freeze! Make it stop! Use the following closers at your own risk.
20.Joe Nathan (+5) (Matt Capps, Pat Neshek) 21. Ryan Franklin (+2) (Jason Motte, Kyle McClellan) 22. Joel Hanrahan (+2) (Evan Meek) 23. Fernando Rodney (+3) (Hisanori Takahashi, Kevin Jepsen, Scott Downs) 24. Frank Francisco (-2) (Octavio Dotel, Jon Rauch, Jason Frasor) 25. Leo Nunez (-5) (Clay Hensley, Edward Mujica) 26. Drew Storen (-9) (Tyler Clippard, Sean Burnett) 27. Brandon Lyon (Wilton Lopez, Jeff Fulchino) 28. Kevin Gregg (Koji Uehara, Mike Gonzalez) 29. Brandon League (David Aardsma) 30. Kyle Farnsworth (Jake McGee, J.P.Howell, Waitress of the Month at local Hooter’s)
Chris Carpenter left yesterday’s spring training game with a strained hammy. That sounds delicious! Unless, of course, you’ve drafted him already. Then you’re like, “Jesus, Carpenter!” But you shouldn’t have drafted him already. You really shouldn’t draft until the last possible second in March. You don’t want to lose your league before the season even starts, that’s not fun/fair. Not to mention, I wouldn’t draft Carpenter. I don’t trust him to stay healthy, even if recent history tells us I should. I also don’t walk on the sidewalk cracks and sometimes check to make sure my door is locked seven times before leaving. Hey, no one’s perfect. The Cardinals say Carpenter will be fine in ten days or so. I still say stay away. Older pitcher coming off a 235 IP season who is already hurting? I’m okay without that. BTW, if you found this site by searching Google for “Jesus + Carpenter + what do Cardinals say?” you’re in the wrong place. Sorry. Anyway, here’s some more news for fantasy baseball:
Grady Sizemore – Won’t be ready until the middle of April. Hopefully he’s taking this extra time to pose for some more nudie pictures of himself. “Oh, darn, I got something on my pants. Maybe I should remove them.” That’s Grady playing coy, the only playing he’s been doing lately.
Jake Peavy – From the files of Grey Will Never Learn, I’m starting to get excited about Jake Peavy again. He’s supposed to make an appearance on Friday and should be ready for the start of the season. All common sense is telling me Peavy will just get hurt again by June, but if he’s throwing well and healthy, I could see moving him up the ranks and drafting him at a discount.
Brandon Webb – News sounds positive about Webb throwing bullpen sessions. Terrific, wonderful, awe to the some. Whatever, my Peavy enthusiasm doth not runneth over to Webb.
Josh Beckett – Was hit by a batting practice ball and is showing concussion symptoms. I’m not a doctor — in case you were wondering — but after losing Morneau for ten months to a concussion, I think this is just another reason to avoid Beckett.
Lance Berkman – Will DH for a bit because of a sore throwing elbow. Sounds like minor news, but if this problem continues into the season, where’s he playing for the Cardinals? Not 1st base. I have a feeling all of those people drafting Berkman who are hoping for a bounce back are going to be yawnstipated.
Chris Iannetta – He hit a home run yesterday. Already went over catchers to target, where Iannetta got some face time (Do I have to pay Steve Jobs a nickel for saying that?). Oh, and I’ve already drafted Iannetta on one team. Why won’t you draft him? Afraid of success? Aw, you underachiever, you.
Matt Thornton – February Grey waffled about whether Thornton would be the closer. “Ooh, I’m February Grey and I can’t decide on the White Sox closer or what to eat for a snack.” Eat Cheetos and draft Thornton with confidence. Thank God that February Grey guy has a short month, huh?
Kyle McClellan – Looks to be the frontrunner for the fifth spot in the Cardinals rotation. My take is Dave Duncan will sprinkle some of his magic dust on McClellan and he’ll be a valuable mixed league option by the end of the year. He won’t be drafted in most leagues though, and I wouldn’t go against that outside of NL-Only leagues. In NL-Only leagues, he’s the kind of pick that can help you win your league.
Brian Wilson – Dealing with a back issue of Men’s Health. He says he’ll be all right. I believe him. Guy might be bonkers, but he’s got heart. Still being drafted too high for me, so there’s that.
Corey Hart – Will be sidelined for two weeks with a strained abdominal muscle. Don’t worry, the Hart Foundation will get its revenge!
Aw, sookie. Our first look at all the closers for the 2011 fantasy baseball season. That is a bird on your window and it’s singing Zip-a-Dee-Doo-Dah. I went over Kevin Gregg signing with the O’s when it happened and Putz to the Diamondbacks. I didn’t go over Frank2 signing with the Jays, but he’s the closer and that’s all I’m saying on that for now. I have bigger fish to fry in this intro, The Rays. (<–bad pun point!) I usually don’t have a problem deciding who I think will get saves on a team. I mean, I may be wrong, but I can decide. On the Rays, um, yeah, it’s a mess. Right now, I see people predicting Kyle Farnsworth, the Cuddle Boy extraordinaire. Some have Lovey’s son, J.P. Howell. Others have Jake McGee. So J.P. McFarnwell is closing for them? Yikes. Can’t they trade one of their 28 1st round draft picks for a closer? Here’s my best guess at how it breaks down. Farnsworth is thrust into the closer role does as he always does when he’s the closer, sucks. Then Howell gets the role that earned him 17 saves last year. I don’t think the Rays go to McGee because of inexperience. Anyway, here’s all of the closers for your fantasy baseball team, as of right now:
$12 Salads
You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad? Every time you go there, you have a thoroughly solid meal. No complaints, except you just paid $12 for a salad when you could’ve went to McDonald’s and stuffed you and your woman for ten schmools and had $2 in quarters left over to make the hotel bed vibrate. These closers are $12 salads.
1. Mariano Rivera (Rafael Soriano, Joba Chamberlain) 2. Heath Bell (Luke Gregerson, Chad Qualls, Mike Adams) 3. Joakim Soria (Jeremy Jeffress, Robinson Tejeda) 4. Brian Wilson (Sergio Romo, Jeremy Affeldt, Santiago Casilla)
Donkeycorns
Imagine you’re following a donkey, who’s wearing a wool cap, through a desert for 1700 miles. Why are you following a donkey? Because he promises you something wonderful and you just need to trust him. Does the donkey talk? Yes. Yes, he does talk. So when you and the donkey in the wool cap arrive at his destination, he removes his the wool cap to reveal a horn. The donkey is a unicorn and his gift to you for your trust is saves. These closers are Donkeycorns.
5. Carlos Marmol (Kerry Wood, Andrew Cashner) 6. Neftali Feliz (Darren O’Day, Darren Oliver, Alexi Ogando) 7. Jonathan Papelbon (Daniel Bard, Bobby Jenks) 8. Jonathan Broxton (Hong-Chih Kuo, Matt Guerrier, Kenley Jansen) 9. Jose Valverde (Joaquin Benoit, Ryan Perry) 10. Francisco Rodriguez (Manny Acosta) 11. Andrew Bailey (Brian Fuentes, Grant Balfour) 12. Huston Street (Matt Lindstrom, Rafael Betancourt) 13. J.J. Putz (Sam Demel, Juan Gutierrez) 14. John Axford (Takashi Saito, LaTroy Hawkins, Zach Braddock) 15.Chris Perez (Rafael Perez) 16. Craig Kimbrel (Jonny Venters, George Sherrill) 17. Drew Storen (Tyler Clippard, Sean Burnett) 18. Brad Lidge (Ryan Madson, Jose Contreras, Danys Baez) 19. Francisco Cordero (Aroldis Chapman, Nick Masset)
Brain Freeze
I’m going on a picnic and I’m bringing apples, bananas and Kevin Gregg– Wait, he just gave up 12 earned runs and hit Brian Roberts in the head with a pickoff throw. Brain freeze! Make it stop! Use the following closers at your own risk.
20.Leo Nunez (Clay Hensley, Edward Mujica) 21. Matt Thornton (Chris Sale, Jesse Crain) 22. Frank Francisco (Octavio Dotel, Jon Rauch, Jason Frasor) 23. Ryan Franklin (Jason Motte, Kyle McClellan) 24. Joel Hanrahan (Evan Meek) 25. Matt Capps (Joe Nathan, Pat Neshek) 26. Fernando Rodney (Hisanori Takahashi, Kevin Jepsen, Scott Downs) 27. Brandon Lyon (Wilton Lopez, Jeff Fulchino) 28. Kevin Gregg (Koji Uehara, Mike Gonzalez) 29. Brandon League (David Aardsma) 30. Kyle Farnsworth (J.P.Howell, Jake McGee)
