Fantasy Baseball Advice

Matt Holliday heads to the DL with a quadriceps injury.  C’mon, Mantle played with no knees for ten years!  Have a scotch and get in the lineup!  John Jay should see time while Holliday recoups.  Worth owning in 12 team leagues and could make a decent sub while Holliday’s out.  That’s not to say he could make a decent hoagie.  Different things.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Kyle McClellan – Out for at least a couple of weeks with a hip flexor strain.  Or it’s hip to be strained, if you’re a kid of the 80′s.

Lance Lynn – Will fill in for McClellan.  Decent K-rate in the minors, a few too many walks at times and barely above average stuff.  But Dave Duncan once coached a pot of a chili to a 12-5 record, so I went out and grabbed Lynn in an NL-Only league.  He could quickly become a decent gamble in mixed leagues, but for now he only has one start guaranteed.

Allen Craig – Didn’t start yesterday, but that didn’t stop him from continuing to hit.  He went 1-for-3 with a home run while batting nearly .500 over the last week.

Hanley Ramirez – Always one to take any opportunity to not hustle, Hanley’s waiting until Friday to decide whether to go on the DL.  If I had to take a guess, I think he will go on the DL.  If you really need speed, I’d grab Bonifacio, who will be playing short in media res.

Aroldis Chapman – Won’t be activated on Friday when eligible.  Dusty said, “He’s got to get things together mentally and emotionally.”  Hey, Aroldis, stop watching Lifetime movies!

Brian Matusz – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks.  He used to be the weak side of the Double Stuff Orioles (with Tillman), but, since his 2nd half ERA last year was 3.63 with a solid K-rate, he’s been the pitcher to own…In deep leagues.  In shallower leagues, he’ll be serviceable at times.  There’s an outside chance for a breakout, but I’d conservatively expect around a 4.00 ERA overall.

Michael Pineda – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks.  I feel like I haven’t talked about Pineda enough.  He has more than a K per inning, a WHIP of 1.00 and an ERA of 2.30.  Let’s see, that’s better than F-Her, Tommy Hanson and Sabathia.  Bingo bango!

Josh Willingham – Yesterday, he hit his third homer in his last six games.  The Hammer in Oakland that you can touch and doesn’t wear pants seventeen sizes too big is crazy hot right now.

Clint Barmes – 2-for-5 and he hit a home run on May 30th.  For him, that’s hot.  Also, I watched him hit yesterday and he looked locked in. Not to mention, I just dropped him in one league so he’s going to spite me.

Brent Lillibridge – 2-for-5 and his 2nd home run in the last five games to go along with a modest five game hitting streak.  Playing every day puts him in over his head like Michael J. Fox in The Secret of My Success, but while he’s hitting, what the hey?

David Ortiz – Hit his 4th home run in the last week and he’s hitting .313 on the year.  Did he get some of Bartolo Colon’s stem cells injected into him too?

Laynce Nix – Hit his 9th home run yesterday.  Yeah, instead of Josh Hamilton in the 2nd round, you could’ve drafted Laynce Nix.  Fantasy Baseball:  If You’re Not Already Prematurely Balding, It’ll Make You Pull Out Your Hair.

Dan Haren – Lower back spasms caused him to fall to his knees in pain.  He screamed, “I feel bad!” then Mark Trumbo put a cape over his shoulders.  Haren said later it felt better and he’s waiting to see how it feels on Thursday before pushing his next start.

Erick Aybar – 3-for-4 and his 14th steal.  Now batting .315 on the year.   He’s a two week hot streak away from being the best shortstop in baseball, even if that’s like being the tallest midget.

Mike Stanton – 3-for-4 with his 12th home run.  The other day someone accused me in the comments of not showing enough love to Stanton.  I found that offensive since I literally drool every time I watch him bat.  On my Trapper Keeper, it says, “I heart Pony Sticks.”  That’s what I secretly call Stanton.  We have pet names.  And I don’t show enough love for him?  Over his first 150 games in the majors, 75/33/88/.258/5.  At the age of 21, that’s a thing of beauty.  If I had to say one player that I think would make the Hall of Fame that has been in the league for only one year, it would be Stanton.  He’ll have 500 homers by the time he’s 33.  Is that enough love?

Javier Vazquez – 6 IP, 4 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Well, he finally started K’ing some hitters, so that’s good.  But four earned in six innings isn’t exactly dying your hair blonde and pretending to be Guy Fieri at a local diner.

Cody Ross – 4-for-5 with a steal.  Now has two homers and is 7 for his last 13.  Does he think it’s the playoffs?

Juan Miranda – 2 for his last 18.  And…scene!

Jhonny Peralta – 2-for-4, after hitting 7 homers and .354 in May.  Okay, pop quiz, hotshot.  Who is hitting for a better average?  Peralta or Miggy?  Yup.

Justin Morneau – 0-for-3.  Hey, it’s good to have you back!

Rajai Davis – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 1st home run.  Now hitting near .350 over the last week and 15 steals on the year.  For a SAGNOF’er, because of his placement in the lineup, he might set the record for ribbies.  Prince Fielder, “Someone say ribbies?!”

Ubaldo Jimenez – 9 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks.  2010 called, it wants its start back.

Carlos Santana – Indians scored 13 runs and Santana went 0-for-3.  Ticker tease!  Though, it’s been more like a ticker season.  Comatose Indians Fan, “I’ve been asleep for the last two months but I see the Indians have the best record in baseball?!  Wow, I can only imagine what Carlos Santana, Sizemore and Choo are doing!”  Yeah, not what you think.

Asdrubal Cabrera – 4-for-6, 2 runs, 3 RBIs.  Okay, he is the best shortstop as of right now.  Fair enough.

Shaun Marcum – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Since I’m venting today, someone the other day mentioned how I didn’t say anything when Marcum had a bad last start.  He pitched fine, he grooved one to some rookie that no one thought could hit (Brandon Crawford) and he hit a grand slam.  He threw a bad pitch, he didn’t throw a bad game.

Nyjer Morgan – 2-for-3 in back-to-back games.  He’s really not much better than Gomez, and Gomez isn’t very good, but Morgan is at least hitting.

Vicente Padilla – From the files of, “Yeah, Well, Dur,” Mattingly says Padilla will regain the closer role on Friday when he returns from the DL.

Daniel Murphy – 2-for-4 as he stays sizzling.  At least two hits in the past four games.  He’s not glamorous, but hot schmotatos rarely are.

Kevin Correia – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks with his 8th win.  I’m still waiting for Correia to go south and smell of fermented cabbage.

Mike Leake – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks.  He’s a deep league add at this point since he may not stay in the rotation for long.

Jay Bruce – Hit his 17th home run.  Or one home run for every baby born in the Ohio area in the last month named Bruce.  Broose counts as well.

Felipe Paulino – 5 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks.  I do love his Ks, but…must…resist…urge…to…pick…him….up.  He’s just too inconsistent.

Billy Butler – Hit his 4th home run, a game winner.  After he crossed home, someone threw beads at him.

Daisuke Matsuzaka – Headed for Tommy John surgery.  In other words, Dice-K’s elbow rolled craps.  I always thought it was gonna be “Dice” Clay who’d need Tommy John surgery because of his unorthodox smoking form.  Dice-K’s ulnar collateral ligament blew — it needed the money — oh!

Yesterday, Joakim Soria lost the closer job yesterday to Aaron Crow.  Yeah, and pigeons fly.  Wait, they do.  Wait II, The Return of Wait, maybe that makes sense.  Yeah, I think it does.  Thank you, left side of the brain for working with the right side.  Glad you’re talking again.  You guys rock!  The ax falling on The Mexicutioner was a long time coming.  He only had one save in May and had given up 7 runs in 9 1/3 IP.  He wasn’t much better in April.  In June, he could get the job back.  Your deity of choice knows that Aaron Crow isn’t really all that great but he is the guy for right now.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Alfonso Soriano – With yesterday’s game with a strained quad.  He’ll probably go to the DL by the time you read this, assuming you dinnit stay up to read this at 12:26 AM PST when it was posted.  (BTW, Didn’t and I went our separate ways.  It’s now dinnit or bust.  Don’t, you’re on notice!)

Tony Campana – Yesterday, he had 4 steals (on only one hit!).  I’d like to introduce Campana to my right clickie finger that picks players off waivers.  In the minors, he showed bonkers speed. Or sponkers, if you enjoy portmanteaus.  Not just fast, but crazy.  One year, 48 steals in 131 games and 20 times caught stealing.  Tony Campana runs like he just sniffed a mountain of coke and killed some cockroaches.  With Byrd still recouping, Soriano likely headed to the DL and the Cubs needing a spark plug, I picked up Campana wherever I could.  He’s probably nothing but a short term SAGNOF’er, but member what Jason Bourgeois did a month ago?  Yeah, you do.  Now come here and let me pinch your cheeks!

Kelly Johnson – 4-for-6 and 2 homers yesterday.  Now has 4 homers and 6 steals while batting .190– Oh no, he doesn’t.  That’s what he had on May 13th when I told you to buy him.  He now has 9 homers, 8 steals and raised his average 52 points.

Justin Upton – 5-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs, his 10th home run and 10th steal.  I own him in a few leagues, so this is partially selfish of me, but I’d love for him to have his star mitzvah this year.  Say 35 homers, 20 steals and a .280 average while becoming a first round draft pick for next year.  That would be nice.  (BTW, I can neither confirm or deny this, but Vin Scully checked in on the Arizona game and said Justin Upton was 5-for-5 with a home run when Upton was 4-for-4 with no home run.  Then Upton hit a home run 15 minutes later.)

Juan Miranda – 0-for-4 while the Diamondbacks scored 15 runs.  Ticker tease!

Jose Reyes – Out for 3-7 days with the death of his grandmother.  As someone who was raised by their abuelita, I feel for Reyes, but, well, my fantasy team kinda needs him.  Oh, man, I’m a bad person.

Ike Davis – Still having pain in his ankle.  A Met having an injury setback?  That is uber crazy.  Yeah, I said uber.  Deal with it!

Charlie Morton – 6 IP, 1 ER, 11 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Put eleven baserunners in six innings and only one earned run into Fangraphs Database and you get the error message, “Does not compute.”

Pablo Sandoval – Sounds like he’s about a week and a half away.  Or at least that’s the rumor why the Giants clubhouse manager went to Costco for a 128-count Chipwich box.

Brandon Crawford – 1-for-3 with his first steal after hitting a granny in the first game of his career. (That better not had been Jose Reyes’s granny!)  He has very, very modest power and speed (like 7/7 over the course of a season).  To give you of an idea of how deep the league needs to be to grab him, he’s available in one of my NL-Only leagues.

Eric Patterson – 2-for-5 and has led off two of the last three games!  *small voice*  But he’s hitting .189.  *big voice*  He’s stolen 2 bases in those starts!  *small voice*  He doesn’t play every day.  Okay, I’d look at him in NL-Only leagues or deeper leagues for a short term boost on speed.  To put it in New Jersey terms, you pass through Patterson, you don’t stay there.

Logan Forsythe – Here’s another NL-Only shout out.  He’s playing every day for the Padres, though you’d think if Forsythe was in SoCal, he’d be saying hello to the Angels.  He doesn’t have much power and Petco will suppress that further.  “Stop smothering me, Petco!  I mean, mothering.  Actually, I don’t.”  Forsythe has five homer power and teen speed.  Think a poor man’s Bartlett, i.e. the cupboards are Barelett.

Tim Hudson – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Other than the mollywhopping he took at the hands of the Angels, he’s been decent if a bit yawnstipating with Ks.

Mike Napoli – 3-for-6, 5 RBIs and two more homers to bring his total to 10.  When he seeks revenge on you for dropping him, he does it swiftly and decisively.

Jayson Nix – Him and brother, Laynce, hit homers yesterday.  Today, their brother, Jaymes, drinks himself into a stupor for being the black sheep of the family.

Eric Young Jr. – Another day, another steal.  Okay, I’m not talking about him again until Friday’s Buy.

Francisco Liriano – To the DL when the MRI revealed shoulder inflammation.  The MRI also revealed it was glad it didn’t draft him.

Phil Hughes – Could be back by July.  Yanks said they won’t push him.  Put him near traffic and I’ll give him a little shove.

Raul Ibanez – 1-for-3 with his 4th homer in the last week.  Frequent commenter, Hans, mentioned Ibanez’s recent hot streak in the comments (appropriate!).  I was going to talk about Ibanez yesterday, because he has been crazy hot, it’s just so hard to generate excitement about him and unless you ask, “Between him or Cuddyer,” I’m probably going to say the other guy.

Nick Blackburn – 6 IP, 5 ER.  I love corrections to schmohawks.  Schadenfreude!

Danny Espinosa – Hit his 8th homer yesterday and has 4 steals on the season.  When he ends the season with a .250 average, 20 homers and 10 steals, you’re gonna wonder why you dropped him.

Mike Morse – Another day, another home run.  You’re waiting way too long to pick him up.  You, “Who me?”  Yeah, you.

Jay Bruce – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs with his 16th home run.  Could Bruce sneak into the first round next year?  Nah, probably not.  But he’s moving into the 2nd.

Hanley Ramirez – Out again with what he described as “the worst (pain) he has ever felt.”  I betcha there’s quite a few of his fantasy owners that would like to help Hanley continue to break his personal pain threshold record.

Hunter Pence – 3-for-4, 4 runs, 2 RBIs and his 7th home run.  Pence is one of those players that stays exactly on pace for his end of the year stats all year long.  Minute he starts to fall off pace, he’ll hit a home run or steal a base.

Torii Hunter – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs and two home runs.  One for each I.

Mark Trumbo – 2-for-5 with his 2nd home run in as many days.  It’s the smart move to keep him in the lineup.  Still waiting for the Sciosciapath to make the not smart move.

Fernando Rodney – Got the save yesterday.  Walden gave up two runs the day before and threw 37 pitches, so this is probably nothing, but — and unless you’re an alien there’s always a but — I still grabbed Rodney in leagues where I need saves.  In May, Walden has a 5.54 ERA, 1.77 WHIP; Rodney hasn’t given up a run in the past week.  (Yeah, I’m cherrypicking stats, but whatever.  It’s my blog.  Start your own blog and cherrypick your own numbers.)

Jon Lester – 5 2/3 IP, 7 ER, 12 baserunners, 4 Ks.  I wouldn’t press the panic button, but two of his last three starts have been duds.

Kyle McClellan – 4 IP, 7 ER.  See Nick Blackburn or 7 and a 1/4 inches above.

Albert Pujols – 2-for-4 with the ever-tasty slam and legs.  A Pujols by any other name would smell foul.

Bartolo Colon – 9 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks.  A doctor in Boca Raton is claiming he used stem cells to fix Colon’s arm and make him an effective pitcher once again.  The doctor says he used Colon’s own fat cells to repair the elbow.  Now the elbow is working like new but it can no longer fit into any of his shirts.

Vicente Padilla went to the DL with a forearm strain.  Maybe it’s was straining to be a fivearm.  Oofa!  Who am I, Buddy Hackett?  Actually, I am.  No, I kid.  Or do I?!  No, I do, he’s dead.  Unless I’m writing this post from beyond the grave!  Boo!  Know what I like most about Matt Guerrier?  He’s not Padilla.  How’s dem apples?  Sour!  Then we have Kenley Jansen– “Buh-buh-but, Grey!  Who do we own from the Dodgers bullpen?  I can’t own everyone.  By the way, nice mustache.  Primo!”  For immediate closer action, I’d own Guerrier, Jansen, Alyssa Milano, in that order.  Unless your league counts blown saves, then reverse the order.  But — and unless you’re an alien, there’s always a but — I think Jansen ends the season with more saves than Guerrier.  The only problem is I think he gets weaned into the job and may not be getting saves regularly at first.  Frankly, it’s a committee and too many chefs make too many hors d’oeuvres and not enough entrees, or whatever that cliche is.  Oh, and because any great closerousel shituation should keep fantasy owners on their toes, Guerrier pitched the 8th inning in a losing game last night.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Joe Blanton – Yesterday, he was scratched.  No word if he’s still itchy.

Kyle McClellan – 8 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks.  He’s getting lucky and his strikeouts have been poor.  Soon there will be a plague of locust as we know from the The Book of Joel Pineiro.

Doug Fister – 8 IP, 1 ER and two punchouts.  Well, ain’t that appropriate for Fister?

Scott Downs – Just when it seemed like he might step in for Walden, he comes in and gives up the winning run.  Somewhere, Fernando Rodney said, “Hey, I could’ve done that!”

Howie Kendrick – 3-for-4 with his 7th home run.  He’s quietly (Is it quiet even after you say quietly?) putting together a solid season that I was excited about happening in the preseason.  Though, I didn’t get him in any league.  Nice move, El Capitan!

Justin Morneau – 3-for-5 and his 2nd home run.  Oh.  Wait a second?!  Did my typees just type what I think they did?  No!  Couldn’t be.  Did they pitch to Morneau while he was standing on 2nd because they felt bad for him?  Was their a solar eclipse during the at-bat which distracted everyone so Morneau could grab the pitched ball and throw it over the fence?  Did Trevor Plouffe go to bat wearing Morneau’s jersey?  Or could it just be a guy capable of 30 effin’ homers actually hit his 2nd homer?  Dare to dream.

Neftali Feliz – It might be nothing but Feliz didn’t look so happy yesterday when he blew his second save in two days.  He now has more walks than Ks and his WHIP is obscene, and not in the good, “Hey, what kind of movies can you order in this motel that you rent by the hour?” obscene.  If you own Feliz, I’d be worried that he’s hiding an injury.

Derek Holland – 8 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks but lost the game to Greg Holland.  Guess the Rangers and Royals decided to go Dutch.

Gavin Floyd – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks.  This comes after a game where he gave up 5 earned in 4 1/3 IP to Oakland.  Looks like Gavin righted the ship.  Love Boat humor!

Alex Rios – 1-for-4 and hitting .203.  Is it me or does there seem to be a lot of players hitting under .250 really late into the season?  Not rhetorical.  Heyward – .214; Uggla – .194; Kelly Johnson – .181; Longoria – .234; CarGo – .245; Tulo – .247; Hanley – .217, etc. etc. etc.

Tyson Ross – Left the game with an oblique strain.  This comes right when Cody Ross finally looks healthy.  It’s like the butterfly effect for just Rosses.  All I can say, Betsy Ross is lucky to be dead.

Justin Turner – 1-for-3 as he knocked in the Mets only run.  He’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell.  You can hardly wait!  No, you!

Dillon Gee – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks.  A broken clock is right two times a day and Dillon Gee happened to be right for seven and two-thirds.

Marlon Byrd – Hit his 3rd homer and finally broke the 10 RBI barrier.  Only after batting for a month and a half in an RBI position in the lineup.  Terrific.

Darwin Barney – 1 for his last 13.  This could be the bottom finally falling out for The Purple Evolutionist.

Jay Bruce – 3-for-4 with 2 home runs.  Bruuuuuuce!  *breath*  Bruuuuuuce!

James McDonald – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks in a top five park for offense.  This comes a start after he was mollywhopped by the Brewers to the tune of five runs in 4 innings.  Pretty hard to trust that inconsistency in shallow roto mixed leagues, but it’s a gamble I could see taking in H2H.

Ryan Braun – The Hebrew Hammer left the game with a sore shoulder.  The team will reevaluate him tomorrow.  Hopefully, it’s good news for the Brewers and Hebrewers alike.

Chris Narveson – Since I pointed out that Narveson should be better, he’s thrown 19 1/3 IP and given up three earned runs.  Cust kayin’.

Shane Victorino – Headed to the DL, but Domonic Brown won’t be called up according to the GM.  I don’t buy it.  I mean, I buy that he’s not coming up immediately, but he’s still not further than a week or two away.

Josh Collmenter – 6 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 1 K.  No, he shouldn’t be this good.  With an ERA of 0.69 over 26 IP, it doesn’t matter if I think he should be this good.  He should just be owned and let him worry about when his deal with the devil expires.

Madison Bumgarner – Came within an out of a complete game shutout.  I like Bumgarner, so don’t take this the wrong way, but the Dodgers have two hitters.  Ethier, Kemp and pray for seven hit batsmen.

Al Alburquerque – 1/3 IP, 1 ER and the loss.  As frequent commenter, nyydj2, said “Alburquerque got barbequerqued.”

Brennan Boesch – 1-for-5 with his 3rd home run.  He’s been getting dropped across multiple fantasy leagues recently and I can understand it.  He’s hitting in a cushy spot in the lineup, but I’m using the word ‘hitting’ loosely for what he’s done recently.

Alex Rodriguez – Yesterday, the Yankees scored 13 runs and A-Roid went 0-for-3.  Ticker tease!

Ricky Romero – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks.  RR Cool Jay (see resemblance) now has a 3.10 ERA on the year and has 57 Ks in 58 IP.  Yeah, he’s doing better than that other pitcher you own.  Yup, and him too.

J.P. Arencibia – Hit his 7th home run yesterday and three homers in his last 10 games as he bats .235 on the year.  Obviously J.P. stands for Just Passable (for shallow mixed leagues).

Jhoulys Chacin – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks.  It’s pronounced:  Yo-Lease.  Usage in a sentence:  Hold onto Yo-Lease.

Jason Giambi – 3 home runs yesterday.  It was a throwbackne to yesteryear.  He sure hits them in bunches.  Some would say in “cycles.”

Justin Verlander threw a no-hitter on Saturday, said the guy who doesn’t write a roundup on Sunday which makes Monday’s lead-in a little dated.  BTW, I hear The Godfather is a good movie, you should check it out!  And invest in Microsoft!  Verlander seems to get little respect as a number one starter, but if I owned him, you’d have to pry him from my cold, dead, well-manicured fingers.  Gives you 200 Ks, a mid-3 ERA and a killer smile.  Smiles are totally underrated.  You can’t put a price on those…Unless you’re a dentist.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Austin Jackson – 7 for his last 13.  I’m not a fan in the big picture, but the small picture says if he’s going to start hitting, there’s no reason to turn your nose up at him unless the smell of a hot hitter repulses you.

Yovani Gallardo – In 8 innings, threw a one-hitter on Saturday.  To misquote Positive K, Gallardo’s a headache, now he’s an aspirin.  Hopefully, he’s turned a corner this time and not just a U-turn back to crap.

Jason Bourgeois – To the DL.  That was a fun SAGNOF ride, right?  Haven’t been that excited about a SAGNOF’er since Alex Sanchez stole 52 bases in 2003 with nothing but a cheap pair of Keds and steroids.

Frank Francisco – John Farrell, who is supposedly the Blue Jays manager, said Francisco is the primary closer.  If you mix a primary closer with a primary set-up man, it makes the color blue.

Jose Bautista – Returned and hit a homer.  At season’s end, Bautista will meet in front of a congressional committee for making me look bad.

Vicente Padilla – 1 IP, 1 ER as he secured his 2nd save but he’s already showing signs of the rough waters that once sank Padilla’s flotilla.  I’d continue to hold Kuo and Jansen, in the non-sexual way.

Andre Ethier – Finally went hitless on Saturday, but returned with a 2-for-4, home run day on Sunday.  Alyssa Milano gave him a hand for three straight minutes.

Johnny Cueto – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Sonavabench!

Justin Masterson – 7 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks, now has a 2.11 ERA.  Yeah, not sure why he shouldn’t be owned in all leagues for right now.

Roger Bernadina – He’s back!  Ooh, hold on, someone’s knocking on my door.  “Hey, it’s Excitement For Bernadina here.  I just moved into the building and wanted to say I appreciate you still using an exclamation mark when saying Bernadina’s back.  Us Excitement For Bernadina’s have to stick together.  By the way, did you see a package from Omaha Steaks by my door?  It’s missing.”  Riggleman, who’s not related to Jigga man, says Bernadina will play every day.  All Bernadina needs to do is hit and he’ll block Ankiel upon his return.

Anibal Sanchez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 11 Ks.  Their Ks are not the same, but Anibal reminds me of Buehrle.  You get nothing, you get a near perfect game.  You don’t get nothing, you get nowhere near a perfect game, triple negatives be damned.

Hanley Ramirez – Edwin Rodriguez, who’s currently posing as the Marlins manager, had a terrific quote that should be inspiring to Marlin players and fans alike.  He said, “(Hanley) will stay there in the third hole until we get another option.  There are not too many options.”  It’s not easy to insult your entire team while offering no hope.  He’s the Knute Rockne of baseball managers.  One day his Cooperstown plaque will read, “When Edwin Rodriguez faced adversity, he threw up his hands and offered no solutions.  Instead, he passive-aggressively blamed others.  It’s actually a little weird that he’s in Cooperstown with a losing record over a two-year span of coaching.”

Gaby Sanchez – 4-for-4 with his 5th homer as he bats .328.  Too bad he’s apparently not capable of the three hole.

Nelson Cruz – To the DL.  Hey, at least he got his first DL stint out of the way.  Now he only has three more stints to go.

Chris Davis – Will see more playing time with Nelson Cruz on the DL.  Bill James has to have his inseam taken out.

Julio Borbon – 4 steals in his last six games.  Could be a quick fill-in for those that lost Bourgeois, which also led to the fall of the Soviet Union.

Erik Bedard – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Looks like vintage Bedard, which means he’ll be injured any day now, but he should still be owned while we’re waiting for the other shoe to drop (and injure him).

Sam Fuld – 1-for-5, now batting .248.  I actually meant to include him in Friday’s Sell, but shizz got away from me.  Potatoes to chips, Fuld looks done-zo.

Mark Reynolds – 0-for-2, hitting .187.  Brian Roberts hitting .221; Markakis hitting .227; Lee .233; Vlad .267; Scott .253; Jones .250, Wieters .232.  The O’s are staying true to their name.

Carl Crawford – Since I told you to buy him, he’s hitting around .400.  Cust kayin’.

Danny Valencia – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and the hangover cure slam & legs.

Pedro Alvarez – Won’t need a trip to the DL…But will need 15 days on your bench while he recovers.  Just when you thought Alvarez couldn’t make you hate him anymore, he goes and gets hurt but not put on the DL.  Stop eating red velvet cupcakes and play baseball, you douchetard!

James McDonald – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Now has only 2 earned runs in his last 18 innings, 16 Ks to 7 BBs while lowering his ERA from 10.13 to 5.65.  Looking like that preseason sleeper that we thought he’d be.  And by we, I mean me and the rest of my graduating class from the College of Fantasy Baseball at Charleston.

Kendrys Morales – Going to Colorado for a 2nd opinion on his ankle.  Gotta love how major league teams conduct business.  He’s being paid three million this year, yet it took months of him being unable to run to seek a 2nd opinion.  What’s he got, Medicare?

Chris Narveson – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks.  I’ve gone hot and cold on Chris Narveson, which sounds like the Christian name for The Noid and is beginning to act like it.  Just hard to get confident about a guy who gets hit by the Astros and pitches fine vs. decent teams.

Lance Berkman – 1 for his last 11.  Better get back in the DeLorean.

Kyle McClellan – 8 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Same shizz as Narveson, except his K:BB is 22:15 in 43 2/3 IP.  At any point, Dave Duncan’s abracadabra could leave an abracadaver.

Fernando Salas – The Cards “closer,” Salas, relieved the Cards “closer,” Eduardo Sanchez.

Tyson Ross – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Team ERA of 2.69 and that’s with their crizzappy closer.  Get on board with all the Oakland A’ces, they’re your American League hodgepadres.

Derek Jeter – 4-for-6, 2 homers and a steal.  Some may view this as Jeter is finally coming alive.  I thought that too until I stroked my mustache a few times.  This is Jeter’s owners opportunity to finally sell him for value.  This is one game.  Even if Cap’n Jeets comes alive for a week or two, he’s still not going to return to the player he once was.  Mustache, “You’re welcome.”

Curtis Granderson – 3-for-4, three runs, two RBIs, one home run, zero idea what A-Rod sees in girls with manly faces.

Chris Young – Headed to the DL with shoulder tightness.  I didn’t even know giraffes had shoulders.

The national budget isn’t the only thing that’s strained in DC, Ryan Zimmerman is headed to the DL with an ab strain.  This was an injury that originally happened in Spring Training and now it looks like the ab has taken out a *pinkie to mouth* restraining order.   Zimmerman always seemed like such a good boy, who knew he had a bad side?  For those baby boomers in the audience, Robert Zimmerman is Dylan and Ryan Zimmerman is illin’.  For those housewives reading on, Ryan’s owners whine of choice is Zimm-for-DL.  Yeah, that pun is a worse strain than his.  So now that this strain has resurfaced, it makes me think the Nats are going to let it heal for a lot longer than 15 days to make sure there’s no more relapses.  Worse, if they don’t play it safe and rush him back in two weeks, he could reinjure himself and be out for another few weeks.  (Something that could, unfortunately, happen anyway.)  All in all, it’s a good day to not own Zimmerman.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Alexi Ogando – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 4 Ks.  A…O…A’ight!  BTW, do you know Tony Danza’s blood type?  It’s AO.  Watch out, Catskills, here comes Grey!  Another great start for the converted outfielder.  It’s been a while since the Rangers let an outfielder take the mound (see Jose Canseco) but it’s paid off big.  Looks like Tommy Hunter has been Pipp’d!  Ogando did leave in the 8th with a recurring blister.  It’s something to watch.  Not literally, unless you’re in the same room as him.

Justin Verlander – 9 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Rudy’s Cy Young pick held down the dangerous Texas offense.  If the Tigers could’ve scored a few runs and Verlander had more than 4 Ks, it would’ve warranted more exclamatory punctuation.

Andrew Bailey – A’s said he should be back in a few weeks.  So his ETA for getting hurt again is approximately a few weeks and a day.

Rajai Davis – To the 15-day DL with an ankle injury.  You never hear about cankle injuries.  You goofed, God, cankles are more durable.

Sam Fuld – 4-for-6 with two doubles, a triple and a homer to complete The Hungry Man cycle.  The 30-year-old AAAA Cub OF has become a Bear since he moved to Tampa.  He’s now stolen 5 SBs on the year and hit his first bomb today.  Don’t drop anyone too valuable for him, but you’ve got to ride his hot streak.

Jeremy Hellickson – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners (5 walks), 1 K.  Hellickson didn’t have his ‘A’ stuff.  Wasn’t quite his Triple-A stuff either.  Didn’t matter since the Rays bats finally made it through customs.

Matt Joyce – 1-for-6, batting third.  Would’ve been nice if he had a big game to justify him staying in the lineup, but that’s A Portrait of the Unqualified Hitter in the Three Hole from Joyce.

Adrian Gonzalez – 1-for-2 with a triple and Ortiz went 2-for-4 with a triple as the grounds crew at Fenway moved third base on top of second.

Edinson Volquez – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks with more first inning shenanigans.  The Reds might consider letting Volquez pitch batting practice to the Reds before his starts.

Chris Heisey – 1-for-4 with his 1st homer as he hit leadoff.  Dusty thinks Oh-Bee-Pee is that movie theater candy that stick in your teeth, but I still wouldn’t be surprised if Stubbs sits a lot more if he doesn’t start hitting.

Jonny Gomes – Now has a homer in back-to-back games.  Not quite as hot as Jennifer Connelly going back-to-back in Requiem for a Dream, but not bad.

Jonathan Herrera – 2-for-4, now 7 for his last 10 with steals in back-to-back games.  Shouldn’t last but in deep enough leagues, I’d definitely take a look.  (Note: As I wrote that, WordPress told me, “You do not have permission to do that.”  Take that as you want.)

Seth Smith – 3-for-4 with a steal.  Right now, The Lisper’s Nightmare is playing every day vs. righties and hitting .367.

Mike Pelfrey – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Probably the last time I’m going to repeat myself on this topic so head’s up to those of youse who weren’t paying attention for the last three months.  Ixnay on the Elfreypay.

Mark Buehrle – 8 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 1 K.  Isn’t it funny — which naturally means this is completely unfunny — how Buehrle throws a perfect game or near-perfect game a few times a year then is totally mediocre the rest of the year?

Matt Thornton – 1/3 IP with the blown save, but the tying run was unearned, so there’s the junebug on the duck’s back or some other yokelism.  BTW, Juan Pierre has blown the last two Thornton blown saves.  He’s like the anti-DeWayne Wise.

Asdrubal Cabrera – Homer yesterday, now has 4 homers on the year.  A’la Cher from Clueless, “As….DRUBAL!”

Mitch Talbot – 8 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Talbot has a 1.46 ERA on the year, Indians are 8-2 and a pig just flew by my window.  And the pig was wearing a lovely Hawaiian muumuu from Talbot’s.

Tyler Chatwood – 5 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Did they promote him from an Indiana high school?  (Hey, Hoosiers fans!)  He’s super young/raw/adjective and his last name sounds like a website you don’t want your significant other finding in your browser history.  I wouldn’t touch Chatwood at all this year in non-keepers, until he strings together a few weeks of quality starts.

Starlin Castro – 3-for-5, a steal and hitting .364.  He’s no As…DRUBAL!  But he’s doing his thang.  Or is it thing?

Madison Bumgarner – 5 IP, 5 ER, 12 baserunners, 3 Ks.  It’s time to worry that the extra innings last year are emphasizing the first syllable of his last name.

Pat Burrell – 2-for-2 with his 4th homer.  It’s Pat the Bat and he’s swinging, ladies.

Chone Figgins – It’s one thing when someone like Ryan Howard doesn’t hit their weight, but when it’s someone like Figgins it’s another thing.  Figgins left Monday night’s game early with a thumb bruise – early word is that it’s day-to-day but he probably warrants a stint on the Disgraceful List.

Matt Kemp – 1-for-2, 1 RBI and his 7th steal while batting .441!  New coach Davey Lopes is like the SB whisperer.  BTW, a friend went to Kemp’s party after the Dodgers opening night win at a club here in LA.  Two hours after the win, Kemp was standing on the bar with two champagne bottles flipped over, pouring into his mouth like he was a fountain.  I like it!  He’s playing loose!

Rafael Furcal – Broken thumb and he’s contemplating retirement.  Sounds like his dream of being a movie reviewer isn’t going to happen either.

Jon Rauch – Yesterday, Shawn Camp got to blow the game for the Jays.  Okay, not sure where Rauch was.  A pickup game with Mets pitcher, Chris Young?  Saving a kitten from the top of a skyscraper?  Picking coconuts?

Mat Latos – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Actually, he didn’t look that bad, but I still wouldn’t buy into him because of the excess innings from last year.  Also, I find it weird how I loved him last year and this year I watched him for about two innings and thought he was such a douche.  “Ooh, I’m Mat Latos and I’m yelling for Gomes to run faster on a home run.”  Perhaps if you stop giving them up, it won’t be a problem.  How’s dem apples?  Sour?

Orlando Hudson – 2-for-4, 2 steals.  He stole 4 bases in April of 2009 and only stole 4 more the rest of the year.  Yup.

Corey Patterson – 2-for-5 with a homer as he filled in for Rajai.  Looking for a guy that can give you an 0-for-35?  Look no further!  For a limited time only, Patterson might be a worthwhile fantasy add.

Milton Bradley – 2-for-4 with his first homer.  He’s still batting third and batty, in general.

Lance Berkman – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and 2 homers.  Welcome to the Cardinals, Guy Who Looks Like He Could Be the Host of Man vs. Food’s Father.

Kyle McClellan – 6 IP, 1 ER, 11 baserunners, 4 Ks.  For my next trick, I will resurrect Steve Howe’s corpse and turn him into a Hall of Famer.  That’s what Dave Duncan said after yesterday’s game.