I was jazzed to draft Phil Hughes this year like I was from New Orleans and I was smoking doobs with Kermit Ruffins. Then Hughes hurt his back and someone played the sad trombone. That’s yay upside down, which looks like a fire between two teepees. Hughes is now out with a bulging disk in his back. Hey, Hughes, is that a banana in your spine or you happy to see me? I’m not a doctor (no kidding!), but none of this sounds good for Hughes. I’m lowering my projections on him and dropping him out of my favorable tier. It’s early, and there’s still a lot of time, but I’d be lying if I said I was still drafting him with confidence. I’ll draft some players that are mildly injured, but the injury needs to sound a lot better than “may not be ready for the start of the season.” Then there’s Matt Garza, who will be starting the year on the DL. This news comes just days after we freakin’ drafted him. I will now call him Matt Grrza. Whenever I say his name, I will say it like I’m a frustrated Lisa Simpson. Well, if you wanna ride the Garza Strip, be prepared for some bombshells. I’ve updated the top 40 and top 60 starters to reflect Hughes and Grrza’s inability to keep me happy. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
I’ve gone over the top 20 starters for 2013 fantasy baseball, the top 40 starters for 2013 fantasy baseball and the top 60 starters for 2013 fantasy baseball, which brings us to the top 80 starters for 2013 fantasy baseball. Crazy how that worked, huh? Next thing you tomorrow will be the top 100. There’s a few names in these post that I’m really gunning for on my teams. In last year’s version of this post, there were a few guys that shot up the rankings (Peavy, Vogelsong, Niese, Kuroda, Dickey and Chris Sale), so I imagine a lot of you won’t need most of the names on this list, but there will be some. Now humor me. There’s tiers and projections mentioned for everyone.Please, blog, may I have some more?
The Tigers playoffs hopes just took a shot in the lower extremities. Now if they get to the playoffs, they’ll have to pitch Verlander 4 times in a 5 game series with Miggy pitching the other game. That’s not our concern though, is it?Please, blog, may I have some more?
There’s some strong indications that Shelby Miller could be called up by the Cards when the rosters expand on September 1st. ”Why should we care about some stunod with a 4.89 ERA in Triple-A? Hey, Grey, we care about stunods now?” That’s you talking to yourself just as a pretty girl walks by and thinks you’re crazy for talking to yourself.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Rank Railheads continue to set the pace with 113 points and a 4-point lead over The Fugs (Epic Beardmen Division). panthers_freak (We’ve Got the Runs — Baseball Reasons) is another 2 points back, followed by MattTruss223 (Rube Waddell’s Shiny Objects — Magnificent Mustachioed Men) and captainpyper (RCL 3) with 104.Please, blog, may I have some more?
The Fugs (Epic Beardmen Division) regained top spot in the Master standings, moving up 5 positions with help from a pitching staff that recorded a 1.70 ERA and 0.91 WHIP. Yovani Gallardo and Madison Bumgarner paced The Fugs, while Gio Gonzalez added 2 wins despite throwing only 11 innings and giving up 8 runs.Please, blog, may I have some more?
The Pirates announced the time is nigh for Starling Marte. The Pirates equipment manager, Buffalo Bill, has to start making a uniform made from Jose Tabata’s skin. Put the lotion in the basket, Tabata! Tabata, “I wanna go home!” You won’t go home, ever.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Bryce Harper and Mike Trout were called up by their respective clubs this weekend. When Bryce left Syracuse for his first major league game, the grand opening of the “Eye Black Isn’t Just For The Ultimate Warrior And Owls” store turned into a Going Out of Business sale. When Mike Trout left Salt Lake for the Angels, Bobby Abreu’s three year Going Out of Business sale came to an abrupt end. Bobby, “I still have some seven-pitch walks to sell!” With Trout and Harper called up, the minor leagues were closed. There’s no more minor leagues. In his major league debut, Harper looked like all that and a bag of douche. Who over the age of twelve flips their helmet off when they’re running? Wait, is he over the age of twelve? Definitely more auspicious of a debut than Trout’s (or is that inauspicious?). (NSFWUYWAAPPH (Not Safe For Work Unless You Work At A Porn Production House): In case you didn’t see it, Harper roped a double to deep center while someone behind home plate dropped their pants. (Here’s Bryce Harper’s first major league hit in motion.) I can’t wait to go to Cooperstown in 25 years and see Bryce Harper’s 1st major league hit. The curator showing a group of middle school kids, “Here’s the film of Babe Ruth calling his shot and here’s Bryce Harper with a booty call.” In 50 years, Bryce Harper showing his granddaughter, “There’s your PawPaw getting his first major league hit.” “PawPaw, are you the one with your ass showing?” “No, sweetheart, that’s how fans celebrated baseball players when I played. A great time to be alive.”) Mike Trout, nor the fans behind him, flashed anything. Whatevs, I like him better for this year.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Let Kate Upton know that Philip Humber is now allowed entrance into the Perfect Club as he retired 27 straight Mariners (here’s a tip: don’t get too close to Dallas Braden in the sauna). That’s only the 21st perfect game in history – surprisingly, as you would’ve thought at least that many pitchers would have thrown perfect games against the Mariners last year.Please, blog, may I have some more?