Fantasy Baseball Advice

Bryce Harper and Mike Trout were called up by their respective clubs this weekend.  When Bryce left Syracuse for his first major league game, the grand opening of the “Eye Black Isn’t Just For The Ultimate Warrior And Owls” store turned into a Going Out of Business sale.  When Mike Trout left Salt Lake for the Angels, Bobby Abreu’s three year Going Out of Business sale came to an abrupt end.  Bobby, “I still have some seven-pitch walks to sell!”  With Trout and Harper called up, the minor leagues were closed.   There’s no more minor leagues.  In his major league debut, Harper looked like all that and a bag of douche.  Who over the age of twelve flips their helmet off when they’re running?  Wait, is he over the age of twelve?  Definitely more auspicious of a debut than Trout’s (or is that inauspicious?).  (NSFWUYWAAPPH (Not Safe For Work Unless You Work At A Porn Production House):  In case you didn’t see it, Harper roped a double to deep center while someone behind home plate dropped their pants.  (Here’s Bryce Harper’s first major league hit in motion.)  I can’t wait to go to Cooperstown in 25 years and see Bryce Harper’s 1st major league hit.   The curator showing a group of middle school kids, “Here’s the film of Babe Ruth calling his shot and here’s Bryce Harper with a booty call.”  In 50 years, Bryce Harper showing his granddaughter, “There’s your PawPaw getting his first major league hit.”  “PawPaw, are you the one with your ass showing?”  “No, sweetheart, that’s how fans celebrated baseball players when I played.  A great time to be alive.”)  Mike Trout, nor the fans behind him, flashed anything.  Whatevs, I like him better for this year.   I went over my Mike Trout fantasy back in November and it mostly still applies.  Only thing I’d change is how many ABs I gave him there.  There I gave him 55/7/30/.270/20 in 300 ABs.  Give him 400 ABs and his stats move to 70/10/40/.275/25.  Basically what you were hoping to get from Bourjos.  That’s giddy up, the un-sarcastic  excitement.  As for Bryce Harper, I like him a lot and he’s worth grabbing.  But he’s also worth trading if you can in redraft leagues.  He hasn’t really pounded minor league pitching since last July.  There were guys on his own minor league roster that were out-performing him.  He’s going to be a great one; I’ll give him that.  I just don’t think once Morse and/or Zimmerman return he’s even going to stay in the majors.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Scott Downs – The Sciosciapath replaced Walden after one blown save.  If only he was as reactionary with over 35-year-old outfielders.  Here’s a scenario:  Downs gets five straight saves and Walden scuffles in a set-up role because his confidence is fractured after being removed from the closer role that quickly.  In that scenario, Downs stays the closer for a few months, maybe the rest of the season.  Another scenario:  Downs blows a game and Walden’s back in there after a week.  More succinctly, you need to hold both guys.  Even more succinctly, hold both.  Personally, I don’t think Sciosciapath’s move is a long-term cure for Scott Downs’ Syndrome.

Peter Bourjos – Didn’t play for the Angels yesterday because of Mike Trout.  Bourjos also didn’t play on my fantasy team, because I cut him immediately when I saw he was losing time to Trout.  Later, schmohawk!  Thanks for the month of the .167 average and 1 homer and 1 steal!   Wish I would’ve known your last name was French for “Bore the crap of youse.”

Albert Pujols – For the first time in his career, Pujols is one day away from having his first homerless month.  Like how Roger Maris’s family followed around McGwire in ’98, Juan Pierre’s family will be following around Pujols.

Kyle Lohse – 6 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Easily his worst start of the year.  Uh-oh, Mr. April may be done.  Hehe.  That’s punny!

Josh Hamilton – Left yesterday’s game with a stiff back, which is less embarrassing than a stiff front.

Tim Hudson – 5 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks vs. the Pirates.  Not a tough matchup, but I wouldn’t mind Hudson as a 5th fantasy starter on a team.  He usually keeps his ratios in check and does decent with Ks — or simply oK.

Jay Bruce – 4 homers in 4 straight games with yesterday’s being a slam & legs.  BRUUUUUUU + UUUUUUUUUUU + UUUUUUUUUUU = Excitement for Red Square.  Damn, was supposed to equal excitement for Reds outfielder, Jay Bruce.  Think I forgot to carry a U.

Mat Latos – 6 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners (0 Walks), 4 Ks vs. the Asstros.  Latos seems like a guy who asks you at the bar, “Did you say something to me?” like he’s picking a fight even if you didn’t say anything to him.  Not much to like about his ERA so far either (5.97).  I still want to remain patient with him.  He will get better.

Drew Smyly – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. the Yankees.  The Emoticon just had a most impressive start on Saturday and has his ERA down for the count of 1.23.  Last week when I said to grab him, it was a bit of a “What the hey, pick him up” waiver wire acquisition.  Now, it’s more of a “What the hey, seriously, pick him up.”  His LOB% is a bit of an eephus that’s about to get smacked, but his K-rate should prevent him from falling too hard.

David Phelps – Will take over for Freddy Garcia in the rotation.  A terrible starter being replaced by a middling middle reliever.  Phelps looks like he might have a 4-ish ERA and a 7-ish K-rate.  Wouldn’t even be news if it was for any team other than the Yankees.  Maybe the Yankees can exact some revenge and trade David Phelps to the Mariners for the rights to Jay Buhner Jr.

Robinson Cano – Batting third for the Yankees for the first month and has 4 RBIs.  Chris Davis got 4 RBIs on Saturday.  The number nine hitter for the Orioles, Andino, has 6 RBIs.  I will now put on a gorilla suit and mail myself to Africa.

Anibal Sanchez – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 14 Ks.  I heard Justin Bieber’s Boyfriend song on the radio, and I immediately thought of Anibal.  No lie.  It’s not gay since his name’s Anibal.  It’s gay that I was listening to Bieber.

Giancarlo Stanton – 1-for-4 with his 1st home run.  Is it bad I actually had to look at three different sites to make sure I was seeing right that he hit a home run?  Yeah, probably.  Now hit nine more tomorrow and we’ll be so cool again.  I’ll even massage your sore knee with my tongue.  What, it’s the strongest muscle!

Josh Johnson – 5 1/3IP, 5 ER.  Obviously got tired of that reputation that he could only pitch well when he was healthy.

Hanley Ramirez – 0-for-3; Jose Reyes – 0-for-3, as they both bat .205 on the year.  Maybe move both of them to 2nd base and let Omar Infante play shortstop and 3rd base.  I’m thinking of creative solutions; don’t kill the messenger.

Max Scherzer – 4 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 3 Ks… Why was he pulled so early?  Oh, 14 baserunners in less than 5 innings.  Wow.  It’s nearly mathematical impossible to have 14 baserunners, only record 14 outs and only allow 3 earned runs.  I hate to give up on him and drop him to waivers, but I’d want to see at least one good start on my bench before starting him in any league.

Matt Thornton – Got the save yesterday.  My over/under for Santiago losing the job was the end of April.  Not too shabby.  Yeah, I do think Thornton takes over, at least that’s what I’ve been writing on this site that you are reading, but as of right now Ventura is still saying Santiago’s the closer.  We shall see.  Or not!  Your choice.

Gavin Floyd – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks as he took a no hitter into the 7th vs. the Red Sox.  But the Red Sox have Nick Punto, Marlon Byrd, Ryan Sweeney, Mike Aviles, Cody Ross and Kelly Shoppach in their lineup!  Somehow the Red Sox have been able to bamboozle fantasy owners into thinking they’re good, even though Sweeney, Aviles, Shoppach, Byrd, Ross and Punto are all guys coming from other teams where they were marginal starters.  Right now, the Red Sox lineup looks like cemetery of fallen fantasy value.

Jake Peavy – 9 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks.  If you Google “resurgence,” you’re going to find five articles about Jake Peavy and five about al-Qaeda.  Of those ten articles, 2 mention selling Peavy, 3 mention buying him and 10 mention injuries.

Edwin Encarnacion – Three games in a row with a homer and capped this three-peat (trademark Pat Riley) with a slam & legs yesterday.  I’m really happy for all his owners.  I’m not bitter at all.  I’ll probably get Edwin’s as-of-right-now stats (7 homers, 4 steals) from Ryan Zimmerman by August.  The RZ:  Brand new from Toyota.  Flashy exterior and tons of hype, then, as soon as you drive it off the lot, you regret the purchase and it breaks down for 5 months.

Jose Bautista – 1-for-4 with his 2nd steal as he sits on 3 homers for the year while Omar Infante struts around like Buddy Love.

Kenley Jansen – Got two saves this weekend.  Mattingly’s saying some shizz about Guerra needing a rest.  I’ll say Mattingly needs to give that a rest.  Mattingly seems like the type that can’t admit he was wrong (or so says his Rip Torn-ish looking, mugshot-taking ex-wife), so he may pull one of these deals where he never says Jansen is now the closer, but Jansen just starts getting saves until it’s obvious he’s the closer.

Chris Capuano – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks.  What’s this the longest post ever?  Maronna mia!  Yeah, I’d pick up Capuano.  Solid Ks in a good pitchers’ park.

Wade Miley – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks.  He’s pitching above his head right now.  Well, he’s not a sidearmer.  Cute, Random Italicized Voice.  I mean, he can’t keep this up.  That’s what she said!  What?  Miley has NL-Only appeal for now, but I’d be careful in mixed leagues.

Gerardo Parra – 2-for-3 with a steal.  You know who Parra is playing like right now?  A guy that is getting a chance to play and wants to prove himself, i.e., he’s building a wall of stats to fend off any other Diamondback options, a *pinkie to mouth* Parra-pet.

Patrick Corbin – He was the pitcher the Diamondbacks called up for Monday’s start, relegating Collmenter to shoveling crap out of the bullpen.  “Hey, Shaw, will you stop pooping on the bullpen mound?”  “Why, we got Collmenter now.”  That was overheard in the D-Backs bullpen this weekend.  Corbin had a solid K/BB and could surprise some major league hitters.  The downside is he’s 15 years old (22) and probably is just a placeholder for Bauer or Skaggs.  BTW, Bauer and Skaggs opened for Big & Rich.  Their big song, “Save a Morse, Ride a LaRoche.”

Dexter Fowler – At four homers, he has 2 more homers than steals.  Fowler also weighs the same as one of Stanton’s thighs.  Cust killin’ myself.

Frank Francisco – Blew the save yesterday as the closepocalypse sweeps through the Mets.  Jesse Orsoco’s house fell on top of Frank Francisco’s legs and Ram-Ram got the save.  I don’t think a change of closer is imminent here, but that’s more because the Mets’ other options haven’t been great and my brain can only compute 17 closer changes per roundup.  Overload!  Overload!  Red alert!  Let me off the closerousel!

Tim Lincecum – 8 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks cutting his ERA to about half what it was two weeks ago.  Sure, this game was against the Padres, who had one good hitter coming into this year and he’s now batting under .200 and in the 7th hole and his name rhymes with Maynotbeasgoodasyouthoughtbin, but I’m guessing it’s too late to buy low on Lincecum.

Wilson Betemit – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer in his last three games as he played third and made Reynolds’ excuse, “It’s not me, it’s 3rd base,” look bad.

Matt Garza – 7 IP, 0 ER, 1 Hit, 1 Walk, 10 Ks.  You can’t spell Garza without Rza, so you know he got The W with no help from Ol’ Dirty Barney.

Grant Balfour – 0 IP, 3 ER and his 2nd blown save, Matt Capps just gives up runs for S’s and G’s and, while they might not be in the same team, Carlos Marmol seems to be picking up whatever it is that Collmenter is shoveling.  I don’t think any of them are in serious danger of losing their closer jobs (this week).  All three teams are going nowhere fast and they’d be better served to get to the trading deadline with a closer to trade.

Brandon Inge – About to sign with the A’s.  That’ll fix the A’s!  Goodbye, cellar!  There’s gotta be a Moneyball sequel with the little white kid from The Blind Side playing Inge and Don Swayze playing Billy Beane.

Bartolo Colon – 8 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Remarkable turnaround of his career continues since his fat and bone marrow stem cell surgery.  At what point does Bartolo Colon surgery become as prevalent as Tommy John surgery?  It doesn’t seem like you need an injury to get the surgery either.  Get the surgery and you’re just good.  The doctor who did the surgery is out of Boca Raton, the old Jew shuffleboard capital of the world.  Soon we’re gonna have Ira Shlomowitz and Harvey Edelbaum, once legendary mah-jong players, throwing 95 MPH, and asking the home plate ump if they can go to their mouth, not because it’s cold, but because they need to adjust their dentures.  Having their choice of teams to sign with, Ira says, “I think I’m gonna pitch for the Mariners.  Seattle has great herring.”

Let Kate Upton know that Philip Humber is now allowed entrance into the Perfect Club as he retired 27 straight Mariners (here’s a tip: don’t get too close to Dallas Braden in the sauna).  That’s only the 21st perfect game in history – surprisingly, as you would’ve thought at least that many pitchers would have thrown perfect games against the Mariners last year.  Kudos to those of you who streamed, Humber.   A few of our comments on Saturday went like this, “Grabbed Humber for a stream cuz there was no one else, then dropped him before I even realized he pitched a perfect game.”  Nice Humberbrag!  Before you feel too proud of yourself for being the first to pick up Humber, just remember that the last two guys to throw a perfect game in the AL are Dallas Braden and Mark Buehrle.  The only difference between those non-dominating lefties and Humber is that Humber throws right handed and his first name is what I used to call the guy at the gas station when I was a jerky teenager.  You know, I gave him an aptronym.  Consider this perfect game less a reminder to pick up Phil Humber, but more a reminder that it’s generally a safe bet to stream a pitcher at Seattle.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Marlon Byrd – Traded to the Red Sox as the player to be named later for an old bet between Epstein and John Henry.  Teach Epstein to say, “I bet in eight years the greatest band in the world will be Hoobastank.”  Marlon Byrd is a marginal power, not great speed guy that has more real world value, like everyone who’s ever been on The Real World.  Think 12 homers, 5 steals.  If that excites you, take your meds, you’re excited too easily.

Michael Bowden – The once interesting prospect pitcher went the other way.  You can take that both ways, i.e., he’s no longer interesting and he’s headed to the Cubs (and presumably middle relief).  I wouldn’t be surprised if Epstein knows something that we don’t know (okay, probably a lot of something) in regards to Bowden, but for now there’s nothing to see here.

Tony Campana – Finally, we’re done with real world value where things matter like bill-paying and not getting annoyed when someone refills the toilet paper so it unrolls under.  Put it over so it rolls out!  *breathe, Grey, breathe*  With the trade of Byrd, Campana was recalled and started in center yesterday where he went 1-for-2.  Campana can steal 30 bases in 300 ABs.  He’s crazy fast.  He just ran into your cubicle, refilled your toner and ran out without you seeing him.

Jarrod Parker – Fat Jonah announced that Parker will be called up by the A’s for Wednesday’s game.  Last year, Parker was pretty pedestrian, but that might’ve been him still regaining his control from Tommy John surgery.  I just thought of something:  If I had something that was terminal and got to “Make a Wish,” my wish would be to have Tommy John surgery performed by Tommy John.  If Parker strikes out over 8 per nine as he’s done in the minors, gets ground balls and regains his control, he’s the best starter you’re picking up off waivers right now.  If he fails to translate his Ks and ground balls, then you have an A’s starter that could roofie you.

Jemile Weeks – 0-for-4, now batting .197.  Where’s your manners, Jemile?  If he were sucking this bad, Rickie would at least have the decency to get hurt.

Alfredo Aceves – I had this friend from high school, let’s call him Brian, cause that was his name.  Brian got a job at a hot dog place that served the best chili I’ve ever had.  So Brian got a job at this hot dog place and decided to start putting pubic hair into the chili.  Word spread pretty fast and the hot dog place that was there for 25 years was out of business within 6 months.  Alfredo Aceves is my friend Brian and that chili is the Red Sox’s closer job.

Daniel Bard – Seems slightly crazy that everyone, except the Red Sox knew Bard should be in the bullpen, but now he’s there.  He just went from K to F or M.  It might be temporary as his start was rained out, but I’d still grab him in the non-sexual way.

Roy Oswalt – Red Sox and Cards are reaching out to him to pitch for them.  Razzball got an exclusive peek at the negotiations!  “Roy, have you ever heard of my friend, Benjamin Franklin?”  The negotiator pulls out a hundred.  Oswalt shakes his head.  “Maybe you’ve heard of my friend, John Deere?”  Oswalt perks up.

Sergio Santos – To the DL with what I’m calling, “I told you not to draft him in the preseason!”  Grab Francisco Cordero immediately.  Though, I imagine unless you’re in a league with yourself and nine teams you own under different aliases, he’s gone.  Though II:  The Return of Though (that the critics dubbed:  Why do they keep making Though’s):  If you’re in a league against nine of yourself, I appreciate you still reading Razzball even if you might not need quote-unquote advice.

Francisco Cordero – Got the ugly save yesterday after giving up a run.  Hey, it’s like he’s been closing all year!

Danny Duffy – 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners (5 BBs), 5 Ks vs. the Blue Jays.  Kinda felt this start coming.  Still like Duffy’s promise, but he looks about as safe to own as Filthy Sanchez and Hochevar.  Imagine the sun is made of walks and their wings are made of Ks.

Wei-Yin Chen – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Ugh, just having a real hard time advising to pick up O’s starters, especially one that had declining Ks before coming to this country.  I’d let someone else gamble.

Giancarlo Stanton – He says his knee is better.  From his mouth to God’s ears… Which I guess is him talking to himself.

Nick Swisher – Had a lovely time in Boston.  5-for-9 with 2 HRs and 7 RBIs.  Then the lemon butter dill sauce on the Dover Sole at Legal Seafood effectively masked the spit flavoring added by Chef Sully.

Mark Teixeira – M-Teix usually likes Aprils as much as Garfield likes Mondays but May seemed to come a fortnight early this year.  After hitting his 1st HR of the year on Thursday, Teixeira hit 2 HRs and a double on Saturday – including an opposite-field HR as a lefty.  Our little M-Teix is all May’d up.

Michael Pineda – Had a setback during his rehab, which Girardi deemed “not good.”  I’ll add “indeed.”

Adrian Beltre – Adrian’s rocky relationship with his hamstrings continues as he strained one on Saturday.  Beltre is headed for an MRI on Monday, and I wouldn’t be surprised if his hamstring says some wet blanket bullcrap like, “It’s suicide.  You’ve seen your leg, you know how fragile it is….you can’t run!”  Then the hamstring complains at Whole Foods when it has to pay full price for a Coppola wine.

Josh Hamilton – 3-for-3, 1 run, 2 RBIs and a slam & legs.  Can’t he party with Kinsler and some 19-year-old girls in a bathroom stall every preseason?

Francisco Liriano – 5 IP, 5 ER with a 11+ ERA on the year.  To rope fantasy baseballers back in, he’s due for a six unearned run, twelve walk no-hitter.

Frank Francisco – The closerousel continues as Frank Frank gets the dreaded vote of confidence.  When a manager, says someone is still their closer that gives them about five days before they’re no longer the closer.  I’d pick up Rauch, but wear back support he looks heavy.

Daniel Hudson – To the DL with a shoulder impingement, which is the worst kind of after-start ‘ment a pitcher can get.  He’s without a timetable; that’s a nice way to say, “Shizz just got real.”  The good news, the MRI revealed no structural damage, but the MRI was at 2-for-1 Ruby Tuesday’s happy hour yesterday.  Between Hudson and Collmenter, the Diamondbacks’ stalling on you-know-who just got accelerated.  If you don’t know you-know-who, hint:  he’s the next blurb.

Trevor Bauer – The Bauer countdown has officially begun.  Or said again with a whisper scream as he’s distracted because his daughter is in danger.   Scott has Bauer 9th on the top 25 fantasy baseball prospects list.  There, he compares him to Lincecum.  I think he meant that as a compliment.  In 12 team mixed leagues, it’s time to start stashing Bauer.  I think he’s up within the month, but could depend on Hudson.

Gerardo Parra – 2-for-4 with a slam & legs.  And here we thought it was Krispie.  The D-Backs’ centerfield position is an unknown location in Tibet with mystical powers.

Brennan Boesch – 1-for-5 with his 2nd homer.  I feel the tide starting to go out on Boesch in the comments.  I get it, he’s been terrible so far, but in most leagues I’d try to hold out.  He’s in such a great spot in a lineup and Leyland Ron Popeil’s his lineup about as good as anyone.

Drew Smyly – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Okay, you have to own him at this point.  He has nearly a K per inning and a 1.13 ERA.  I do think the bottom could fall out at any time.  Or at least fall relatively back to earth.

Kyle Blanks – To have season-ending surgery on his shoulder.  He didn’t blame the injury on carrying around David Eckstein in a bjorn.

Anthony Bass – 6 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Hodgepadre!

Juan Francisco – Homered yesterday as he started at 3rd.  Too bad Glass Chipper isn’t due for a setback for another three days.

Jon Jay – Heading to St. Louis for tests on his shoulder.  No word if he’s being transported by Clydesdale, but I think that’s the only method of transportation in St. Louis, so maybe it’s implied.

Kyle Lohse – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Kinda excited for May just so I don’t have to keep talking about this schmohawk in a positive light.

Andrew McCutchen – Batting .351 in the three hole and has 2 RBIs on the year.  Guys and (4 ladies), your Pittsburgh Pirates!

Ryan Zimmerman – He was scratched on Saturday (aaah…) and then Sunday was rained out, but he expects his shoulder to be up to snuff for Tuesday.  Bob Crane would say that’s hot.

Chad Billingsley – 3 1/3 IP, 5 ER vs. the Astros.  Look in the mirror.  See that person?  They got sucked in by Billingsley.

Freddy Sanchez – Will start Monday his rehab, I said, “Whatever, whatever, whatever.”

Cliff Lee – The Adverb is off to the DL with an oblique injury following his 10 inning scoreless start.  Little known fact – Jack Morris had to ice his moustache for a solid week after that memorable 10 inning World Series start.  ObLeeque had a strained abdomen with the Mariners in 2010 that cost him a month – hopeful Lee this will be limited to missing 3 starts.

Chris Narveson – Chris Capuano 2.0 looks done for the year with a rotator cuff injury.  On the bright side, he now has more time to sell insurance to the fine folks of Punxsutawney.

There’s a saying in Arizona, “Just when you get really good at your job, your career hits a wall and a Mexican comes along and takes the job from you.”  The only difference in Krispie Young‘s case is that Gerardo Parra is Venezuelan.  Krispie was literally the only one hitting on one of my teams and now… I’m crying into my soup, because the soup was bland and my tears are salty.  I’m resourceful.  But that’s one sonavawrench thrown into my team’s plans!  As of press (post? blog? this shizz?) time, details were scant and info was un-nigh and far between.  The D-Backs are saying it’s a shoulder bruise, but he’s going for an MRI.  Hopefully, the MRI doesn’t reveal any structural damage or structurel demega on a typewriter with keys transposed.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday for fantasy baseball:

SIKE!  Before we get into today’s roundup, we have a double SIKE!  First, “SIKE” is for a huge announcement we have coming later today.  The second “SIKE!” is the podcast is up for download.  The announcement is actually talked about a bit on the podcast.  So you get a sneak peek (a sneak listen?) if you so choose to… It’s something I’m proud of that isn’t mustache related.  I think you guys (4 girls) are gonna love it too.  Anyway II, here’s the roundup and podcast:

Download from iTunes

Download directly the Razzball Podcast.

Justin Upton – Has no home runs and no RBIs and is batting .212.  Don’t worry though, it’s only a jammed thumb he’s been nursing.  Nursing a thumb?  Thumb sucker!  The injury to his thumb was rumored to happen when Kirk Gibson missed a meeting and a substitute coach let Justin lead a rousing game of 7-up.  Little did he realize the strength of Paul Goldschmidt would injure his thumb.  Upton sat yesterday and he’s going for an MRI today, too.  Hey, if Diamondbacks send a pitcher for an MRI, they can get a pickup game in the waiting room!  I’m sure one day of rest will fix something that’s been bothering Upton for a week.  For those without the sarcasm gene — or sanscasm — I’m concerned about Upton.  Too soon to panic.  Sit tight.  Simon didn’t say sit tight.  Gotcha.

Santiago Casilla – Got the save yesterday and backing up what Bochy had said earlier about Casilla being first in line, which backs up what I said last week when I grabbed Casilla only to drop him the next day and watch Rudy pick him up.  FMFBBL.

Gio Gonzalez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Yum-yum.

Brad Lidge – Got the save yesterday as Johnson keeps Eeny Meeny Miney and Moe’ing his closers.  So friggin’ stupid.  HanK-Rod has a zero ERA and strikes out everyone; Lidge puts runners on every game and it gets harrowing!  (Gets harrowing?  It sounds like I’m writing crappy Buffy fan-fiction.)

Colby Lewis – Mr. Popular on Razzball’s 2012 expert leagues overcame a Sparky Anklebiter 2-run HR in the 1st inning to deliver a very solid win in Boston (7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks).  The jeers in Boston started with “Hey Colby — you stink like cheese” and “Hey Colby — go back to your college in Maine with your frigin’ liberal ahtsy fahtsies” to “Hold me, Colby” by the fat drunk girl in the Nomah jersey.

Josh Hamilton – 3-for-5 with a HR and 5 RBIs.  Now at 5 HRs and 11 RBIs with a .413 AVG.  Someone’s got his eye on the MVNK award (Most Valuable Non-Kemp).

Mike Napoli – 3 for 5, 4 RBIs, 3 runs, 2 homers and a 1B with catcher eligibility.

Giancarlo Stanton – 1-for-3 as he was moved to 6th in the order.  This is what Ozzie was thinking about for the last 5 games during his exile.  So that means Stanton’s gonna have to hit, like, 40 homers in a game to convince Ozzie he was wrong.  You gotta better chance of Ozzie being named Little Havana’s Man of the Year.  Andy Garcia’s got that shizz on lock for a decade anyway.

Heath Bell – Throws a scoreless 9th for his first save.  Now down to a 9.00 ERA.  It says something when that’s actually pretty good considering all the drafted closers this year.

Hanley Ramirez – Game winning 3-run HR at Crayola Canyon.  No es mal contente!

Starlin Castro – 2-for-4 with his 7th steal.  You know who loves Castro (the non-killing people one)?  This guy with two thumbs, a mustache, two eyes, a terrible Jersey accent and a cougar girlfriend.  That’s who!  (But doesn’t own him anywhere.  Sad trombone.)

Ryan Dempster – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Whenever I see his name I can’t help singing, “Demps and a bump, Demps and a bump, we like the starters that go Demps and a bump!”  Maybe it’s just me.

Asdrubal Cabrera – Could miss a few days with a death in his family.  It wasn’t Miggy or Melky.  Anyone hear from Everth Cabrera recently?

Kyle Lohse – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Mr. April throws another beaut.  His ERA is sub-1.00.  Maybe he can give some pointers to Lincecum.

Austin Jackson – Just when you want to believe he’s turned a corner, he goes 0-for-4 with 3 Ks…..against the Royals….with Bruce Chen pitching (for the first 2 Ks).

Adam Lind – 3-for-3, 3 RBIs with his 1st homer.  I’m not going to mention how you wanted to drop him so bad because he had 9 bad games in a 162 game season, but I’m warning you now.  If he goes on a tear, I’m gonna take off the gloves and not only mention it by saying I’m not mentioning it, but I’m going to actually mention it.

Jose Bautista – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer.  Maybe he doesn’t want to spite me by having his first bad season after it took two years for me to like him.

Brett Lawrie – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer.  #outofthe7hole

Javy Guerra – Blew yesterday’s save.  Over/under that Jansen is the closer by July moves to June.

Jason Heyward – 1-for-4 with his 4th steal.  Did someone buy him for Christmas a ticket to the Davey Lopes SAGNOF seminar?

Drew Smyly – 6 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. the Royals.  Obviously a solid start, but I haven’t changed my opinion on him from last time.  Outside of deep leagues, it’s tough to own him.

Yovani Gallardo – Nice home start against Dodgers (7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks).  Even better — just one BB after 7 BBs in his first two starts.  Then K-Rod comes in and lets Ethier go-yardo to blow the lead.  At least he got the quality start, right QSers!

Mat Gamel – 2-for-3, 3 runs, 1 RBI and a slam & legs.  1st homer of the year, but his 3rd steal.  Guess if you’re trying to replace Prince, it’s best to start at steals and work your way up from there.

Brett Gardner – 2-for-2, 3 runs, 1 RBI and a steal.  Here’s an idea for those that lost Ellsbury.  After Gardner is sitting out a game and his owners are frustrated, try to trade a small piece for him.  I think he gets 50 steals.

Mark Teixeira – Out a few days with influenza.  A-Rod said, “Don’t look at me.  I only have herpes.  No flu.”

Johan Santana – 1 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 5 baserunners.  Left after having throwing 55 pitches.  He should have to donate this game’s salary to the victims of Bernie Madoff.

Wei-Yin Chen – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks.  First game: 5 2/3 IP; 2nd game: 5 1/3 IP, and by the 6th inning the Orioles are hungry again for another pitcher.

Wandy Rodriguez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks.  You’d take that start from Wandy every day and twice on Muesday.

Johnny Damon – Should be ready in a week.  Those with a “Good Hair” category in their league should be pumped.

Gordon Beckham – 0-for-3.  Now hitting .103.  It’s getting so bad that they pinch hit Fukudome for him.  Or maybe Fukudome thought he heard his name when Ventura realized that Beckham was coming up for a critical 9th inning AB.

Jesus Montero – 1-for-4 as the Mariners gave him the start at catcher (3rd of year!) and DH’d John Jaso.  That’s how much they didn’t want to start Miguel Olivo.

Jamie Moyer – 7 IP with no ER at Coors.  Granted, only 1 K and against the Padres but still.  Hope they have tapioca pudding at the post-game buffet.

Jon Lester – 2 IP, 7 ER, 12 baserunners.  Fickin’ ay.  Give ‘em some chicken and beer if it’ll stop him from throwing a crappy start like this again.

Cincinnati Reds – Their 4th through 8th hitters last night (Rolen, Bruce, Ludwick, Stubbs, and Hanigan) are all hitting .200 or less.  At least they’re not clogging up the bases right, Dusty?

Chase Utley – Phils’ GM said Utley’s knee “seems to be improving.”  Last week the GM said Utley’s knee “seems to be improving.”  So Utley isn’t the only thing that’s broken.

If I were the type to gloat, I’d say I told you to not draft David Wright.  I’m not that type of fantasy baseball ‘pert though.  Nah, I simply get satisfaction from not owning him anywhere and watching as teams that do own him scramble looking for replacements.   ….Okay, it’s similar to gloating, but it’s not the same thing.  With his sudden proneness for injuries, Mets fans may reflexively be chanting ‘Larry’ when he comes to bat now, which may not be for a while since he has a fractured pinkie.  He’ll need to wear a splint and the Mets are saying he’s out indefinitely, but we’ll know more later today.  In the meantime, the Mets pitching coach will be teaching Wright how to throw a splint finger.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Mike Morse – Shutdown after having renewed pain in his lat.  There’s no timetable for his return.  Real World Situation Alert:  Your boss at Shakey’s says he appreciates the way you put the “Happy Birthday” messages on the giant billboard out front, but there’s no timetable for a promotion.  How does that make you feel?  Okay, now how do you feel about Morse?

Clayton Kershaw – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks.  I miss owning him.  That is all.

Andre Ethier – 2-for-4 with his 2nd homer in as many games.  I’m not saying he’s not bouncing back and I’m not yelling fire in the theater of Razzball, but he did hit .385 last April.  Things that make you go hmm…

Austin Jackson – 1-for-2 with a homer, now batting .563 with a downright weird BABIP over .750, which has Jackson’s owners saying keep Austin weird.

Neftali Feliz – 7 shutout innings (6 baserunners, 4 Ks) in his first start (albeit against the Mariners).  The Rangers convert relievers better than missionaries convert natives.

Edwin Encarnacion – 2-for-3 with the home run and 2 steals, which I guess is a slam and legses.  Legii?

Kyle Drabek – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks.  With starts like this he should stay in the Blue Jays rotation, but remember he’s got potentially-yet-to-be-unrealized-potential-that-might-not-be-potential-anymore potential.  The potential is there, though.

Matt Moore – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners (5 walks), 4 Ks. You have a team that has a leadoff hitter hitting over .500, Miggy and Fielder hitting over .400 and you give 5 walks… Yeah, I’d be happy with only two earned runs too.

Dustin Moseley – His MRI revealed that his shoulder has extensive damage.  And that’s how one goes from a Hodgepadre to an “Oh Fudge” Padre.

Carlos Beltran – Hit his 3rd HR of the year.  Must be the combination of knowing he’s not a Met and won’t have to face Wainwright’s curve ball.

David Freese – 3 HRs and 10 RBIs now in 6 games.  He’s going to be pissed with that hypnotist when there’s no champagne in the clubhouse after their next win.

Lance Berkman – Says he has a tender calf.  Aw, ain’t that sweet?  He should sing it lullabies.  He also said he should be ready to go by Friday.

Sergio Santos – Cordero will get saves until Saturday because Santos has been excused to attend the birth of his first child.  I hope his wife’s not counting on him to save any mementos from the hospital.

Daniel Bard – 5 IP, 5 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Just when Sale and Feliz get you excited about converted relievers… On the plus side, he only walked one and struck out 6.  If he keeps his walks down like that, he might actually pitch some quality starts.  Of course, he won’t get any wins because the bullpen will blow them.

Kyle Lohse – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Member what I said last week about him being a solid pitcher in April and May?  Yup.

Jayson Werth – 4 for 5 against the Mets.  3 singles, 1 double.  Must’ve been his brother Laynce in the stands that inspired him to such heights.

Ross Detwiler – 5 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks.  He was recommended in our two start pitcher post on Saturday.  The blurb about Detwiler made me laugh, too.  My loud high-pitched annoying laugh that you’ll be hearing more of later today with our newest podcast.

Ian Desmond – 2-for-4 with a homer.  His owners probably can’t wait until he cools off so they can drop him.

Chipper Jones – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and a homer in his first game back.  Otherwise known as the game before he’s injured again.

Tyler Pastornicky – 1-for-3 with his first home run.  Aren’t you glad you punted shortstop and grabbed Pastronicky or Cozart late?  Yeah, I know.  Thank me later.

Lorenzo Cain – Left yesterday’s game with a groin strain.  Usually when one of my guy’s gets injured I get sullen — despondent even! — but, uh, guess who gets more at-bats if Cain is injured?  The ultimate in SAGNOF — Bourgeois!

Blake Beavan – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks.  That’s nice; I wouldn’t go near him.

Jordan Schafer – 3-for-5, 2 runs and 3 SBs in 5 innings against Hanson-McCann.  The last time someone stole that much from a Hanson was this chick who stole the Hanson drummer’s virginity during the MMMBop tour.

Chris Narveson – 5 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Chris Narveson isn’t just The Noid’s Christian name, he’s also a pitcher who I like for certain matchups.  Should be good for a 7+ K-rate and a just-under 4 ERA.

Edinson Volquez – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks.  I wouldn’t say I like Edinson for matchups.  I’d say I like him for all leagues.  He’s in a terrific pitching park where his walks won’t haunt him as bad, get on board!

Derek Jeter – 2-for-6 with a homer the day after going 4-for-4.  Looks like someone’s hitting the Carrow’s for the Early Bird Special.  Minka used to love his enlarged pro stats.

Danny Duffy – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners (1 hit), 8 Ks.  Granted, it was against the A’s, who have hitters that their own mother wouldn’t draft, but Duffy looked solid but wild.  That is his downfall as of right now, “solid but wild.”

Vladimir Guerrero – In police custody after a bar brawl in the Dominican Republic.  Guerrero said he had nothing to do with the inciting argument and that he was just the designated hitter.

You smell that?  No, not your armpits.  That’s Opening Day.  The real thing this time!  I love you, you sick, twisted, little game run by an egomaniac with a bad toupee.   I love you!  I want to touch baseball’s boobies!  They are warm to my touch; those beautiful baseball boobies!  I am gushing over baseball’s boobies!  Grey, um, you’re writing this down; this isn’t your inner monologue.  Good call, Random Italicized Voice.  Embarrassing.  Speaking of embarrassing, how about that monstrosity just past the Marlins’ outfield fences?  It’s a passive-aggressive ode to a fan base and city that is loathed by Marlins’ senior management.  “You Marlin fans – all you care about are pretty colors.  You don’t even appreciate the ode to Miro!”  That was what the Marlins president said after he called Marlin fans stupid.  (The last part isn’t a lie.  You can use Google, if you don’t believe me.  I understand; the Internet made me cynical too.  I blame you, Al Gore!)  Oh, that’s all assuming you can see the outfield fences.  Where’d they put the center field fence?  Cuba?  It’s like they combined Petco with AT&T Park.  They have Cuban raftees floating just past the outfield fences.  You got humidity blowing in, fences 28 miles off the coast of Key West, my beautiful Giancarlo Stanton, whose boobies I’d gush over too, and now I got agita.  We should suggest in the comments what to call this pink and aqua-blue hot mess the Marlins call a stadium.  I got one idea, Unicornco.  Anyway, here’s what else happened yesterday in 2012 fantasy baseball:

Matt Holliday – 0-for-5 as he hit third.  Looks like that’s a big Pujols to fill.

Rafael Furcal – 3-for-5, 1 RBI (which isn’t a Ron Ben-Israel) and a steal.  This is something I’ve noticed in my *covers mouth* years covering fantasy baseball.  Old players get off to fast starts.  I think it has to do with them not being tired of the grind of the long season yet.  Their legs are still fresh.  You’ll see, Alfonso Soriano will start the year fast, Torii Hunter will start hot, etc. etc. etc.  There should be a name in the glossary for these old players that start hot.  Suggest in the comments.  Thank you.

David Freese – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs, 1 Run.  A nationally televised game and Freese turns into Babe Ruth.  I will now call you, The Primetime Kid.

Kyle Lohse – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 2 Hits, 3 Ks.  Last year, his April ERA was 1.64 and his May ERA was 2.57.  Okay, so there’s worse flyers for the early months of the season.

Hanley Ramirez – 0-for-4 and looked about as good at third, giving away at least two base hits.  Also, Reyes and Ramirez are really going out of their way to bring in a new Miami crowd.  Miguel Olivo’s probably soooo jealous.

Josh Johnson – 6 IP, 3 ER, 12 baserunners, 4 Ks.  On the bright side, he didn’t get injured.

Andrew Bailey – Underwent successful surgery in Cleveland, then visited the Jock and Skoal Hall of Fame, which features a glob of Lenny Dykstra’s used dip and an extracted mouth lesion from Terry Francona.

Alfredo Aceves – For a man that invented the sandwich wrap, Bobby Valentine is totally crackers.  Yesterday, he announced that Aceves would be the Sawx closer.  Let’s see, a pitcher who would be better in relief is in the rotation (Bard), a pitcher who saved games last year is in middle relief (Melancon) and a pitcher who whined that he wanted to start (Aceves) is the closer.  To recap — Huh, what, oh, okay, wait, what?  Valentine said Aceves would see the save if the Sawx were leading in the first game.  He didn’t say anything about game five or ten or twenty.  It may be needlessly nitpicky, but I think there’s something between the lines there.  Obviously, Aceves is the first one to own right now, but I wouldn’t drop Melancon if you have room.

Kyle Farnsworth – Diagnosed with an elbow strain that’s “not a major concern.”  And I’m getting an elbow strain from making the “jerking off” motion after hearing them say it’s “not a major concern.”  The Rays can spin this any way they like, but a pitcher with an elbow strain in April is a major concern.  I wouldn’t hesitate to grab Peralta, though the Rays are saying they may use a committee.  Is anything done better by committee besides jerk seasoning, which is flavor by committee?

Sean Rodriguez – Named the Rays starting shortstop…. And he’ll probably be benched at least twice a week unless he becomes a hot schmotato.

Jed Lowrie – Astros’ GM said he would wait until Friday to decide on whether or not he was going to DL Lowrie.  Sounds like even the Astros’ GM doesn’t own Lowrie in fantasy.

Devin Mesoraco – Dusty announced Hanigan would be the Opening Day starter.  Well, that stinks, but to take the sting away, Votto is buying a Lamborghini for the first 2,000 fans in attendance.

Hector Santiago – Robin Ventura has still said nothing about who’s the actual closer in Chicago.  This is ridiculous.  The season’s started already, name someone!  No wonder Nolan Ryan beat the crap out of him.  As of right now, I’d go with Matt Thornton, Hector Santiago, Addison Reed and Jesse Crain.  I have little to no confidence in that order.  So, as Al Pacino would scream at me, , “No, those closers are out of order!”

Brandon Belt – When Bochy lifted his giant melon out of bed yesterday, two things were on his mind.  First, I want to make Grey happy by having Brandon Belt make the Opening Day roster.  Second, I wonder if they make back support but for heads.  Can’t help on the second, but thank you and your giant cantaloupe for the first one.  Here’s what I said in the top 20 1st basemen for 2012 fantasy baseball, “If Belt were guaranteed everyday playing time, Belt is capable of 25/10/.280, which would have him poised to be a top 5 1st baseman next year.  The problem is Bruce Bochy has a gigantic head, but a very small brain.  Hopefully he realizes Belt ties the entire Giants outfit together.  2012 Projections:  70/24/80/.280/10 (in 500 ABs)”  And that’s me getting very excited about Belt!  He still has great promise for a better tomorrow.  This message was brought to you by the Committee to Elect Grey Albright for Public Office and Stop Whoever Keeps Vandalizing the L Out of the Word Public.

Josh Outman – Hits the DL after he injured himself vomiting.  I thought only the players’ wives got injuries like that.  Anna Benson, “Finally a pitcher who understands me!”