Fantasy Baseball Advice

Dustin Ackley was recalled (don’t ask why it’s recalled and not called up, baseball’s arcane at times).  Here’s what I said when he was about to get the call a little under a month ago, “Guess what ya’ll we’re gonna talk about the Mariners!  Snooze.  But we’re talking about the top Mariners prospect!  Yawn.  But it’s Dustin Ackley and he hit 5 homers and stole 2 bases in Triple-A last year over 237 plate appearances!  Burp.  So far this year, he’s been better with power and speed — 9 homers and 6 steals through 64 games (updated!).”  And that’s me quoting and updating me!  Because his home park ends in -co — Petco, Safeco, Metco — his power may take a bit of a hit.  His speed isn’t gazelle-like. (Gazellian?)  But, at middle infidel, you take the flyer to see what he can do.  It’s a MILF (Middle Infielder I’d Like to take a Flyer on).  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Albert Pujols – One start away from gaining 3rd base eligibility.  Before the game, La Russa said, “I know I Mr. Bungled the closer situation for a few weeks earlier this year, so here’s a bone for fantasy owners.”  In other La Russa news, Razzball has an exclusive!  We’ve obtained a never before seen picture of Smurfette giving birth to Tony La Russa.

Allen Craig – Could miss up to 6 weeks while he’s mourning his small fracture in his kneecap n’ crunch.

Travis Wood – 6 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners (5 BBs), 2 Ks.  It’s always frustrating when a pitcher you want to believe in does well as far as earned runs go, but walks too many guys to get excited about.

Scott Rolen – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs, now has 6 RBIs in the last 4 games.  Is there a more useless stat?  I’m surprised the saber-community hasn’t become more diligent about finding a better stat… Though maybe they have, I’m not at the forefront of the saber-movement.  “Hey, why is it an Inverted W?  Why not just call it an M?”  That’s me opening for Rob Neyer in concert.

Kyle Kendrick – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  I wouldn’t pick him up with your team.

Jhoulys Chacin – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks.  I loved Jhoulys in the preseason — So Fresh, So Chacin, ha!  I crack myself up sometimes.  I have two regrets, wish I would’ve pushed him even harder on youse and I wish I owned him in every league.

Charlie Blackmon – 3-for-4 with his 5th steal in 5 games.  If you’re not giddy to grab him, we’ll never see eye to eye.  Go read Fantasy (insert a synonym for smart) dot com.

Ricky Romero – 8 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 12 Ks.  Now you can’t blame me if you don’t own him.  Here’s what I said in the preseason, “Let’s count the ways we love Ricky Romero, shall we?  7 ways!  Okay, maybe I should count them out loud.  1) Will only be 26 years old.  2) Will be entering his third big league season, a time when pitchers tend to hit their stride.  3) His K-rate was 7 and half and can get better. 4) He cut his walks last year.  5) Golden rings.  6) Pitches in the AL East… Hmm… That’s not a positive.  7)  There was really only 4 reasons that I stretched out to 7.  2011 Projections:  13-6/3.65/1.30/180″  And that’s me quoting me!

Frank Francisco – Got the save yesterday, but Rauch was unavailable after pitching 2 innings on Tuesday.  I think Rauch or Francisco could get the next save.  Hello, wishy, meet my friend washy.

Adam Lind – 2-for-3 with his 13th home run.  Now has homers in back-to-back games and is hitting .337 on the year.  Glad to see Lind’s 2009 wasn’t hanging out with and getting influenced by Aaron Hill’s 2009.

Yunel Escobar – 3-for-4, home run.  I’m not a huge fan of Yunel’s because of his lack of speed but he’s hitting .292 with 8 homers.  He’s kinda doing what you paid in your draft for Martin Prado to do.

Chad Billingsley – 4 IP, 7 ER, 13 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Only thing he could do worse is if he changed his name to Chazz.  (BTW, we need a writer for Razzball who goes by the name Chazz.  I don’t care about your writing style or references.  In your profile pic, I want to see an Izod shirt, a sweater wrapped around your shoulders and a tennis racket.  That’s all I care about.  And maybe some anecdotes that involve your mumsy and pawpaw.)  No one wants Bills on their team if they own him, and I understand it.  Would I drop him?  Well, it’s not like he’s that good when he’s good, right?  Actually, his post-All-Star Break ERA last year was 3.00 and he had a 2.79 in July.  His June ERA last year was 6.11.  It’s June Gloom, ya’ll.  Also, his xFIP is decent and his K-rate is nice.  I wouldn’t go out and trade for him, but I would pick him up off waivers in some leagues and bench him if I had room.  I wouldn’t drop him in most leagues either, I’d just bench him.

Tsuyoshi Nishioka – Was activated from the DL.  Nishioka, or Japanese Hazelnut as Rudy likes to call him because his last name slightly resembles the name for hazelnut gelato, should be grabbed in most mixed leagues.  Really, what else you got at MI?  Yeah, thought so.

Nick Markakis – 1-for-2 with a run.  For him, big game.  All kidding aside, what happened to this young brother?  Someone spray Windex on his bat or something.

Mike Morse – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and 2 home runs.  The Morse God of Fantasy!

Danny Espinosa – 2-for-4 with his 11th home run to go along with his 6 steals.  I realize his average looks like Metamucil vomit, but I still find it hard to believe he isn’t owned everywhere.

Livan Hernandez – 9 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks.  He’s a Latin 36 and pushing 250 lbs of pure blubber.  He probably can’t run a quarter mile.  His fastball is slower than some pitches you’d see from Jim Kaat at the Minnesota Twins Fantasy Camp.  Yet, his ERA is 3.77.  For me, this alone is reason enough to love baseball.

Gaby Sanchez – Hit his 12th home run, and is batting .310.  I’ll admit to underestimating his power.  Between dropping Anibal in one league after his first bad start and Gaby, the Florida Sanchii have confused me.

Ryan Madson – Won his third game, has 15 saves and ERA is 2.10.  One of our teams is doing great.  On that team, we have Madson, Venters and Storen as our relievers.  Three total draft flyers.  Really goes to the sentiment of SAGNOF.

Asdrubal Cabrera – 1-for-5 and is cooling off in a big way.  Keep in mind I told you to sell him two weeks ago.  I will mention that again in two weeks if he stays cold.  I will not mention it if he starts hitting again.

Eduardo Nunez – 2-for-4 with a home run and two steals.  While Jeter rents Friday Nights Lights with Minka so he can praise her acting, Nunez is manning short.  Speaking of short, he won’t have value for long, but he can be a decent stopgap at MI.  He has mostly speed, but, as he showed, there’s a bit of power.

Mark Teixeira – 3-for-5 with 2 home runs.  One for each oddly placed I in his name.  He now has 21 homers on the year.  Imagine if Te(i)x actually gets hot in the 2nd half.

Alcides Escobar – 3-for-3 with his third game in a row with a steal.  He also has multiple hit games in five straight and has raised his batting average almost 30 points this month.  You say potato, I say hot schmotato.

Jeff Baker – Homered yesterday.  With the Purple Evolutionist out, we added Baker to a bunch of deeper league teams.  The Cubs are batting him third (vs. lefties).  Though he might not play vs. righties.

Josh Beckett – One hit shutout of the Rays with 6 Ks.  Only hit was an infield single.  Yeah, Beckett’s having a nice season.  I said he was a great buy…last year when he was worse than dog balls, but I was time traveling and I thought it was 2011.  Oh, well.  Can’t win them all.  Maybe I should do steroids, is that legal for fantasy baseball bloggers?

Andrew Miller – Will be promoted by the Sawx to start against the Padres next Monday.  Terry Francona said, “Obviously, [Miller] is a huge part of our organization, and it’s going to stay that way.  He’s not going anywhere.”  Huge?  Sure, Francona.  And Marco Scutaro is really the lynchpin to your title hopes and you built the team squarely around the talents of Bobby Jenks.  Honestly, does my opinion of Miller matter for this matchup vs. the Padres?  I don’t think so.  If you really want to know, he’s been underachieving for years.  He’s been good this year in Pawtucket, but he’s been good in the minor leagues before.  I could see taking the flyer and then reevaluating after the Padres start, which is probably what the Sawx will be doing too.

Justin Morneau – To the DL.  The only way he’s hitting an upper decker this year is if he craps in the toilet tank.

Down goes St. Stephen, the patron saint of fantasy baseball salvation. Everyone and their brother, not mine cause mine has an X chromosome and is called sister, said they knew this was going to happen. Phooey.  Can I say phooey? Well, I did and I am. It may be Mark Prior all over again, that would be awesome. P.S. I hate overhyped players. They come in with their pants all pleated and attitudes that reek of Drakkar. Rant over. ESPN made it their lead for like three days and actually interviewed his ulnar collateral ligament. Okay, now I’m done, I promise. It’s coming down to it, folks.  Only a few weeks left of fake baseball. Here are your week deuce deuce lesser owned two start pitchers for fantasy baseball.

Jake Westbrook (@Hou vs. Happ) (Cin vs. Wood)
Love me some ground ball pitchers. ERA a tick over 4 in NL. Not great, but I couldn’t do better. Playoff push is here early as they get Cincy in what may be a beanball weekend set.

Brian Duensing (Det vs. Galarraga) (Tex vs. Wilson)
ERA in the mid-ones, yeah, that’s “singular” at home. If he K’d more, I’d be like him like a kid staring at a puppy in the mall. Has dual eligibility so he has that going for him.

Travis Wood (Mil vs. Wolf) (@ StL vs. Westbrook)
Natalie couldn’t float, Travis uses swimmies. Cincy is chugging right now (16-7 in August). Playoffs are well within Dusty’s grasp, he will find some way to ruin it though.

Mike Minor (NyM vs. Niese) (@ Fla vs. Sanabia)
22 K’s in 18 innings. Looks to be the next best thing since sliced bread.

Joe Saunders (SD vs. LeBlanc) (Hou vs. Happ)
Runs his mouth a lot for a middle of the road starter. I like it. Haven’t been this juiced about a pitcher’s attitude since Pascual Perez.

Brian Matusz (Bos vs. Beckett) (TB vs. Davis)
Has the goods, three plus pitches. Only problem is, this week shows why his division is trouble.  ERA at a deuce in August.

Kyle Kendrick (@ LA vs. Montaserios) (Mil vs. Wolf)
Better on the road. Still gets lit up like Masterson versus lefties. Philly need to play some great ball if they want to secure a spot in playoffs. You could do worse, you could pick Pat Misch.

Dustin Moseley (Oak vs. Cahill) ( Tor vs. Rzepczynsky)
Far from a horse (obviously horses can’t play baseball). Depth of how deep he can go into a game is a concern, but has Yanks’ O behind him, so he can get away with saying, “Don’t worry about it,” but in a cool Steven Seagal ‘Out For Justice’ kinda way.

Paul Maholm (@ChC vs. Zambrano) (Was vs. Marquis)
I want to like him, but his stats make me sad. He goes against Marquis. so he’s better than at least one person I can think of.

A cavalcade of stars trampling through your computer like a Colt 45 commercial. Not really, but if they all did… awesome. I would be the first person — make that the second — to die from high fiving. The first, if you must know — was that kid who slept with the hot teacher in high school. The prospects are slowly oozing into fantasy and the waiver wire in some leagues becomes important. So pay attention, and send the checks to me, but seriously I have Paypal as well. Here are the week 19 middle of the road, maybe available, two start pitchers for week 19 of fantasy baseball.

Vin Mazzaro (@ Sea vs. Fister) (@Min vs. Baker)
The pride of “Dirty Jerz.” Minus one start in last 10 has been fist pumping good. Averages 5 K’s a game, with a 3.50 ERA over last 10. Gets Fister (I barely knew her) and the butcher and candlestick maker’s illegitimate child.

Justin Masterson (Bal vs Arrieta) (Sea vs. Fister)
A Smokey fave. I am still president of the Just Masters Fan club with 3 blind kids and my dog as the only other members. Cause none of them can actually watch him pitch. Good roll of dice based on matchups.

Kyle Kendrick (Lad vs. Padilla) (@NyM vs. Pelfrey)
4 ER over last 19 innings, huh. I never would have guessed it. Gets the anemic Dodger bats and the Mess, I like it for a dollar. Could do worse… and by worse I mean Jeff Karstens.

Bud Norris (Atl vs. Minor) (Pit vs. Karstens)
Uncle Chuck — I shouldn’t have given you my cell number. When he threatens, I have to write about Bud. Better to drink than to pitch but you can’t really play baseball with a can… Or can you? Sneaky K’s and Jeff Karstens, start a tab.

Ian Kennedy (@ Mil vs. Narveson) (@ Was vs. Olsen)
The innings monster has come out of the closet and stole his footed pajamas. Decent matchups but he still plays for the D-Backs. Maybe an avoid for the next 2-3 starts until he gets those pajamas back.

Carlos Zambrano (@ SF vs. Bumgarner) (@ Stl vs. Suppan)
Yeah, it was a typo and I ran with it. I wouldn’t start him, but in deep leagues somebody has to gamble. Suppan is horrible. Personally, I think I can do worse for less than 12 million. Oh, C-Zam makes 18… Snikeys.

Wade LeBlanc (Pit vs. Karstens) (@ SF vs. Lincecum)
Again, I’m picking on Jeff — sorry, dude. Timmy hasn’t been Timm-AY, since the Loch Ness Monster asked me for three fiddy. Use his first start and play the “if I need K’s game” on Domingo.

Freddy Garcia (Min vs. Baker) (Det vs. Galarraga)
Yeah, I put him in last week’s article by mistake. I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue. Gets “Not quite” Curt Henning, and the “ill” kid. The pale hose are scorching. Best team in baseball since June, that’s a fact, go look it up……I told you, doubter.

Brian Matusz (ChW vs. Jackson) (@ TB vs. Niemann)
Buck shows up and the O’s remembered how to play ball. Has been downright horrible all year. Still has no reason to pitch, but they play 162 and they were given the same money that Reggie Bush took at USC.

Welcome to the real second half. Not that 4 game H2H sprint where you lose to the last place team cause he had 3 guys carry his week, one of them named Molina. I am back from my much needed vacation funded by Razzball. Grey is so gracious to give me 52 weeks off a year, because this isn’t work, this is a hobby. The second half, albeit not exactly half which would make it more like 17/32nds, starts with a really full first week. As I was going through the probable pitchers, I wondered what 12 days rest would mean to most of these guys. In most cases, not much, but in some cases it could prove beneficiary (was the word of the day on my calender so I had to use it). In other cases, take note that some pitchers will be rusty this week, so expect a spike in the peripherals. Here’s the week 16, two start, low rent starters for fantasy baseball:

R.A. Dickey (Ari vs. Enright) (@Lad vs. Kershaw)
The gleam is off the Dickey my friends. Last 3 starts, 0-2 with a no decision. Sounds like we should bail on him. Look deeper, has only given up 4 earned runs. Mets will score runs this week. Decent first matchup.

Wade LeBlanc (Atl vs. Jurrjens) (@Pit vs. Lincoln)
Wade the White, sounds like a Wizard. No home games and I still put him up here. Is prolly going to go 1-1, with 10k’s for the week, only problem is ERA is doubled on the road.

Kyle Kendrick (@StL vs. Hawksworth) (Col vs. Jimenez)
1 good start 2 bad seems like a pattern with him, first start here would restart the cycle. Gets a tough one with his second start against Bald Jim. Low K potential, gets killed by lefties. Has lowered ERA half a run over the last month.

Dan Hudson (@Sea vs. Pauley) (@Oak vs. Sheets)
Got the first start out of his system. Gets 2 great matchups. 10.4 k/9 rate in the minors is saying something. (9.99 leads majors). Patience is the key here, is going to be a good #2 in the future.

Blake Hawksworth (Phi vs. Kendrick) (ChC vs. Gorzellany)
The best superhero real name of all time. Has lowered ERA every start since mid-June. BAA is hovering around .300, ugh. 4k’s a game is okay considering he only pitches 5 innings a start. I would stash him for the Cubs start, but that’s just me.

Jeff Francis (@Fla vs. Robertson) (@Phi vs. Moyer)
Battling is the best I can say with Francis. Hitting that first wall after injury. All-Star break suits him good. Colorado looks like a different team to me lately, ones that wants to go to the playoffs. The Padres really can’t hold on, can they?

Dave Bush (@Pit vs. Lincoln) (Was vs. Atilano)
I would still say we should run from it, but look at the matchups. Gets no stud opposing SP, can be mediocre and let the bats win him the games. 2.78 ERA in last 10 games…Hmmm, very interesting.

Chris Tillman (TB vs. Davis) (Min vs. Baker)
Was a toss up here, as both he and Arrieta double up. I like his 2 matchups better, but they are still the O’s. Comes off first win high, pitched great versus a great hitting team. Good mechanics, smooth delivery. Future rotation of Matusz, Tillman, Arrieta, Britton and Hobgood With Erbe closing, nice. Damn, AL East.

James McDonald (SF vs. Bumgarner) (NyM vs. Pelfrey)
My snoozer of the week. Your typical 3 earned in 6 innings, 6 K kinda guys. Sounds good to me. Gets the hated Giants, and the scuffling hand licker (there’s video to back this up) Pelfrey. Good roll of the dice gets 2 cozy home starts at Chavez.

Scott Feldman (@Det vs. Bonderman) (Laa vs. Pineiro)
Texas hits well. WHIP disaster. Will win games 10-7, with him giving up all 7 runs. Brother Corey is not pleased one bit. Free piece of advice, don’t chase wins.

Interleague is over and we are sprinting to the All-Star break, trade deadline and fantasy football drafts because, who are we kidding, the best part of fantasy is the draft. Soccer is still well on Smokey’s plate. As if you’re not watching and getting excited. It’s not for everyone, I can’t blame people for not liking it or force them to watch. There just aren’t enough stats in soccer to peak the fantasy end of it. Baseball has 20 x 20 leagues, what’s more entertaining than playing in a league that you can’t check via the box score in newspaper? (Yeah, they still exist, I had to check.) Week 13 brings us right up against the birth of this great country. Have at the unlucky week 13 fantasy baseball two start hurlers:

Jake Westbrook (Tor vs. Romero) (Oak vs. Gonzalez)
Just mulling around waiting/hoping to get traded. Been semi-effective. A peripheral nightmare, so expect to be wooed and then not even a peck on the cheek when you drop him off.

Jeremy Bonderman (@Min vs. Liriano) (Sea vs. Lee)
This guy gets $12 million, holy hell. Always a good swing and miss guy. Horrible matchups this week. Avoid for me this week.

Randy Wells (Pit vs. Maholm) (Cin Vs Cueto)
Not good Randy, not good at all. Anything worse than playing for your hometown team and sucking?  Guess missing your bus home would suck too. But then if it’s your hometown team it wouldn’t suck as bad, I suppose.  Gets Pittsburgh in first start – hooray. Another peripheral disaster.

Jason Hammel (@ SD vs. LeBlanc) (SF vs. Cain)
In the highlights as the guy following Ubaldo in the rotation. Gets Petco and is a better pitcher at home so it sounds even better. Previous shellacking by the Sox. Three previous were 0 ER. Good value pick.

Bud Norris (@ Mil vs. Parra) (@ SD vs. Correia)
Back from the dead. 2 decent matchups, and a whole mess of sleeper hype to cloud what could go wrong. Houston continues to suck and blow his confidence. He is a ping pong ball up and down like Homer Bailey.

Brett Myers (@ MiL VS Gallardo) (@ SD vs. Leblanc)
A horse this year so far. Would have about 5 more wins for another team. Lowest ERA since ’06. Gets a tough matchup in Gallardo, who is as legit as they come. Hasn’t given up more than 4 ER in a start all year.

R.A. Dickey (@ Fla vs. Nolasco) (@ Was vs. Strasburg)
Yeah, uh, R.A. Dickey has 6 wins. 6 consecutive to boot. Runs into some tough matchups. Robert Alan is hot right now so ride the train, just maybe not this week.

Manny Parra (Hou vs. Norris) (@ StL vs. Carpenter)
Think he is staying in the rotation for a while, and is great stuff wise. Just not polished at all. Great K potential, though I hate that word.

Kyle Kendrick (@ Cin vs. Cueto) (@ Pit vs. Maholm)
His home/away splits are crazy, Bruce Banner even said damn. Gets the Pie Rats and is 3-0 career vs. the ‘Natti. Looks like a call to the bookie is in order. Jump all over it, best low end add this week. 2 wins and 10 k’s.

Wade LeBlanc (Col vs. Hammel) (Hou vs. Myers)
Home cooking just like Grandma’s. Gives up way too many hits for my liking. Two home starts makes me forget that he didn’t call me on my birthday. No K’s and a propensity to go only 5 innings sucks out loud.

Dustin Nippert/Matt Harrison (@ LAA vs. Pineiro) (ChW vs. Buehrle)
It is still up in the air if both get one or 2 starts. Team is scorching the ball right now, and runs and pills are good. Both guys offer about the same amount fantasy-wise.