Fantasy Baseball Advice

This is the part of this story that is supposed to grab the reader.  I don’t believe in all the handy hullabaloo.  I will be too worried about doing it in a fashion that is in the form of an inverted W and having other people critique it and say I am an injury risk going forward.  That stuff just isn’t for me.  So we are at the quarter post of the season already, fast right?  So this week we have a good gaggle of guys that will bring your fantasy baseball roster some prosperity.  Personally, I am tempering expectations and want to be whelmed not under/overwhelmed.  Because I don’t think I can handle all the burden of being over/under-anything.  Seems like a much ado about nothing to me.  Holy tangent, sorry.   Well, enjoy the week to come and happy rostering.  Catch you all on the flip, and by flip,  I mean next Saturday.  (Please keep in mind that pitchers and matchups change.)

ONE START OPTIONS:

5/22

J.A.Happ vs CHC – Wood

Felix Doubront @ Bal – Matusz

5/23

Andy Pettitte @ KC – Mendoza

5/24

Randall Delgad0 @ Cin – Bailey

Joe Blanton @ STL – Westbrook

5/25

Anthony Bass @ NYM vs Gee

5/26

Wei-Yin Chen vs KC- Mazzaro

Paul Maholm vs Pit – Correia

TWO START OPTIONS:

Rick Porcello (@Cle vs Jiminez, @Min vs Blackburn) Why is that all the Jersey guys get bums raps?  Oh, I remember now, because all we see is guys on reality show acting a fool and all their professions all seem to be “party hosts.”

Clayton Richard (@STL vs Garcia, @NYM vs Santana) It is Hodgepadre on opposite day.

Patrick Corbin (LAD vs Capuano, Mil vs Wolf) Please keep this spot in the rotation warm.  It will be greatly appreciated.  Thanks.  Signed Skaggs and Bauer.

Tommy Hunter (Bos vs Buchholz, KC vs Paulino) He takes the prize or cake or whatever free stuff they offer with expressions these days for being the guy least owned.  This week’s “Click and Pray” pick o’ the week.

Mike Leake (@Atl vs Minor, Col vs Guthrie) Last start was better, not great but a step in the right direction.  Just don’t stand downwind of him when he pitches. On a positive note, it can’t really get much worse…Can it?

Jerome Williams (@Oak vs Milone, @Sea vs Hernandez) On the road, throwing pitches, from mound-on tops. Yeah, you will now never look at Jerome ever again and not pronounce it Jer-O-Me.  So you’re welcome for that, secret handshake comes later.

Kyle Drabek (TB vs Hellickson, @Tex vs Darvish) You know you have been playing fantasy too long when you call him Doug every time you see him.  Funny, I call E5, Porkchop and he stares at me with disgust.

Kyle Kendrick (Was vs Gonzalez, @STL vs Garcia) I will have a banner at the game.  It will say ‘Go Kyle Kendrick’ and then will add the letter K for every strikeout he gets during the game to the end of his name.  Hoping it’s not 2, because all of sudden 3 K’s isn’t a crowd, it became an affiliation.

Felipe Paulino (NYY vs Kuroda, @Bal vs Hunter) We come for the K’s and hope you don’t take a Mike Leake on our peripherals.  A win would be nice too, but I will take the 12 plus K’s this week and worry about that ERA thingy elsewhere.

R.A. Dickey (@Pit vs McDonald, SD vs Volquez) Rahhhhh, or that’s what I am calling him from now on.  It’s more fun that just saying R and A.  No word back yet from Busta Rhymes’s agent about a cross promotional thing.

Erik Bedard (NYM vs Santana, CHC vs Garza) He is due for a DL stint, I mean he has to eventually.  I will now go to church and count some rosaries for me wishing injury on someone.

What a ridonkulous season from Melky Cabrera.  Most of youse didn’t even draft him and here he is in September going 4-for-5 with his 18th homer, raising his average to .303 to go along with 18 steals.  As they used to say in 14th century China, “Damn, Ming.”  The spilled coffee on the saucer that then drips onto your dress shirt is I don’t trust this guy at all for next year.  18/18/.300 becomes 12/15/.275 very fast.  Ask anyone that’s drafted The Big FraGu in the past.  And 12/15/.275 is pretty much unusable in most mixed leagues.  It’s the first guy off the team when there’s a hot pickup.  So enjoy your Melk for now, but don’t throw away the non-dairy creamer.  Hmm… That sounded better in my head.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Randy Wells -  4 1/3 IP, 5 ER.  If you’re new to the site, you probably have no idea when I say donkeycorn, cyclops with a monocle, Cust kayin’, Sparky Anklebiter or a whole array of other gibberish.  But, more importantly for this, you don’t know about my previous love affair with Randy Wells.  During my Blue Period, I drank nothing but blueberry milkshakes and talked of nothing but Randy Wells’s eventual turn around.  The same mood can also be found in some of my early Jeremy Guthrie posts.  Then Randy Wells started pitching well recently.  I grew excited.  Not in that way.  Then I thought about picking him up.  Luckily, I didn’t.  He’s the devil.

Logan Morrison – First game back in the lineup and he went yard for his 20th.  He filed a grievance against the Miami Marlins yesterday.  Or is it still Florida?  How can they change their name?  There’s so much history!  This grievance is because Morrison said he was disciplined without “just cause.”  Love to hear the Marlins say, “No, you were disciplined “just cause” we can.”

Hanley Ramirez – Dr. Freeze performed shoulder surgery on Hanley and he should be good to go for the 2012 season.  Will be interesting to see where he’s drafted.  Out of the gate, I’m guessing he’ll go around the 4th round and then will bump up when good news comes out of Spring Training or bump down if a setback happens.  These are the kind of things that interest me.  I can’t imagine why these things don’t interest the girls I’m talking to at a bar.

Mike Stanton – 0-for-3 as he returned from the DL.  I’m holding my hands in the shape of a heart over my actual heart.

Jhoulys Chacin – 5 2/3 IP, 4ER, 13 baserunners, 1 K.  For what it’s Wuertz, I’m gonna like Chacin again next year.

B.J. Upton – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 21st homer.  I like Upton a lot.  I don’t think it’s subconsciously because of his first name.  Why don’t others like him?  Do I sound needy?

Brandon Phillips – 2-for-5, 1 RBI and his 16th homer and fourth in the last four games.  BP is doing work, son.  On a related note, the people who bought tickets for this Cubs and Reds game back in March must’ve been bummed this game meant nothing, but then they ended up seeing a good game.  September Grey is so empathic.

Chris Heisey – 2-for-5, his 17th homer and 2nd in as many games.  Too much talent on this team at the dish, I like everyone except Paul Janish.  I just freestyled that.

Alexi Ogando – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Number one reason I don’t bet on sports.  Would’ve never guessed Ogando had this bounce back start in him.

Homer Bailey – 6 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 9 Ks and 2 homers allowed.  It’s a lot of pressure dealing with an aptronym.

Mark Buehrle – 6 1/3 IP, 6 ER, 17 baserunners(!!!), 1 K.  That was karmic retribution for the no-hitter and perfect game.

Pablo Sandoval – 4-for-4 and his 20th homer as he yelled at each pitch to get in his belly.

Kyle Weiland – 3 IP, 4 ER.  When a big game is on the line the one guy the Red Sox want on the mound is Jon Lester or maybe Josh Beckett, so they threw Weiland yesterday and he should go back to singing “Plush.”

Adrian Gonzalez – 0-for-3 with his 111th RBI.  Make a wish.  Like, maybe, don’t lose the Wild Card.

Shin-Soo Choo – Was activated then reaggravated his oblique and is done for the year.  Hey, Shin-Soo, FU.

Kyle Kendrick – 5 IP, 1 ER, 2 baserunners, 6 Ks.  I’m beginning to think I could have an under-3.50 ERA if I pitched for the Phils.

Cliff Lee – 9 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 12 Ks.  Whatever, Kendrick was able to get the win.  That’s what Cy Young voters look at.

Ian Desmond – 5-for-6, 3 RBIs and one run.  Without looking it up, I’m guessing this was the biggest game of his career.  Where else do you get such insight?  I ask you, where else?!

Wilson Ramos – 3-for-5, 3 runs.  He could have a breakout season next year too.  It’s all about catcher depth this week at Razzball.  Aren’t you glad the week’s over?

Tom Milone – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks.  First start of three where he’s looked competent.  He should compete for a rotation spot next year, but outside of very deep keepers, he’s not worth your time yet.

Jayson Werth – 0-for-5 as he talked his way into the lineup yesterday.  Here’s what Davey Johnson said, “(Werth) is getting treatment on it every day.  He had some strange looking blue tape on it (Wednesday) night.  I texted him early this morning and asked if he needed a blow….  He texted me back and said, ‘I’m fine. I felt stiff yesterday, but I feel good.’”  What on earth is going on in the Nats’ clubhouse?  Is this why Davey Johnson is so popular with his players?

Linguist, academic and all-around good guy with a lot of free time on his hands, David Crystal says there’s been no definitive research on how many people are actually laughing out loud when they type out el oh el  (Thanks, Wikipedia!).  I’m guessing the number is less than 50% and the number of people actually rolling on the floor laughing when they type that dopey acronym is far less.  I bring this up to impress on you the amount of things read on the internet that turn out to be false.  With all that said (and it was a lot, wasn’t it?), the internet tells me the Yankees are going to promote Jesus Montero in the next couple of weeks.  If you read that and no streamers or balloons fell from the ceiling, then pull the rip cord harder.  In keeper leagues, he should be owned already.  If he’s not, I’m assuming you’re in an NL-Only league or a mixed league filled with atheists.  Back in February, the two thousand and eleventh year of Jesus Montero’s call up, I gave him the projections of 20/5/30/.290 in 100 at-bats.  Still sounds about right.  I’m a God, mortal!  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Hanley Ramirez – Day-to-day with a sprained shoulder.  That sounds like nothing for a guy who plays through injuries and just lives and breathes the game like he’s Luke Appling or some other old timey player.  Unfortunately, that’s not Hanley Ramirez.  My guess is he’ll miss at least five to seven games.

Omar Infante – 3-for-5, 2 homers.  Hmm… I feel like I heard about him somewhere recently…Something about how you should pick him up…Oh, I know.  I wrote it yesterday.  I’m a genius, even if I need the spellchecker to spell genius.

Jason Isringhausen – Screwed the turkey, or whatever that cliche is, yesterday for the second day in a row.  Give Bobby Parnell, who sounds like a character Don Cheadle would play, the closer job.  Sure, Parnell hasn’t been great, but at least he has a potential future.  What do you have to lose?  More games?  You can only lose one game at a time, which sounds like something Casey Stengel once said.  BTW, he really got the short end of the “That guy has the greatest quotes” stick compared to Yogi.

Johan Santana – Felt discomfort and is having his shoulder examined.  Maybe the Mets can trade Johan’s shoulder for Chipper Jones’s lower back.  Assuming they both pass through waivers.

Ricky Romero – 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks.  He only gave up one hit… A homer to Desmond Jennings!  Don’t you love when I work Desmond Jennings into other players’ blurbs?

Jose Bautista – 1-for-3 with his first homer since, like, when the U.S. gave Canada its independence.  Though I’m no history buff.  “Take hockey, ‘eh’ and weird police outfits.  Leave the Mckenzie brothers.”  That’s me at the Treaty of Vancouver.

Yunel Escobar – 1-for-3 with his tenth homer, and his first since June 30th.  Tends to hit a few after he gets one, so look for him to tack on.  Not tacky though, like that bald guy on Design Star.  What, I’m the only one that watches HGTV?  C’mon, three lady readers, where are you?

David Price – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks and wasted a Desmond Jennings’ homer.  See?

Ian Desmond – 2-for-3 with his 4th home run.  Has been so nonexistent for so long, I kinda thought he retired from baseball and opened an emu farm selling giant eggs.  Hopefully, if there is a God besides Jesus Montero and Jesus Guzman, Ian Desmond will get hot.

Michael Morse – 2-for-5 with his 18th homer.  Dash-dash-dot.

Derek Lowe – 4 IP, 7 ER.  Can’t spell Derek without reek.

Jose Constanza – 2-for-4 as he started in place of Heyward.  A’la George Costanza, “FREDI!”  Would’ve been awesome if Constanza would’ve went into the dugout between innings, then when his name was announced to bat, if he would’ve ran out with no shirt on. This Heyward/Constanza shituation is worth monitoring.  In NL-Only leagues, I’d grab Constanza for steals.  He did steal 49 bags in Double-A and 23 this year in Triple-A in only 86 games.

Chris Davis – 2-for-5 with his first home run for the Orioles, or the Orange Birds as no one calls them.  If you need to catch lightning in a bottle with power, Davis could provide it.  The preceding was brought to you by Bill James’ beard.  No, not that definition of beard.

Mark Reynolds – 3-for-5, 5 RBIs and his 24th homer.  Earl Weaver could’ve managed the shizz out of this team.

Brennan Boesch – 3-for-4, and his 16th homer and 5th steal for the nourishing slam & legs.  Tellin’ ya right now (as if that’s not obvious), it’s gonna be hard to figure out where to draft Boesch next year.

Alex Avila – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer.  His July (.197, no homers) kinda smelled like an old man’s fart, but every other month he’s been usable.

Edgar Renteria – 1-for-4 with a home run.  I’m not proud to tell you this, but I picked him up in one league where I was hurting for a middle infidel.  Sometimes trades give players a boost in the arm.  And sometimes you need a booster shot in the arm if you have the Renterias.

Homer Bailey – 8 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Don’t care, I wouldn’t pick him up.

Garrett Jones – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and two homers.  How dare you steal the thunder from the arrival of Ryan Ludwick! Assuming you can make sure Jones never sees a lefty on your fantasy team, he might be worth a look.

Alfonso Soriano – 2-for-5 and two homers as the Pirates pitching staff decided to suddenly regress to what they should’ve been all year.

Kyle Kendrick – 8 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Somewhere, Joe Blanton, “That could’ve been me!  I swear!”

Troy Tulowitzki – Left the game after hurting his pinkiewitzki.  Should be fine to go tomorrow.  Hopefully, since his fantasy owners paid top dollar for his final two months of production.

Ervin Santana – 9 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Extremely solid start following his no-hitter.  Also, Johnny Vander Meer’s family can stop following him around now.

Mark Trumbo – Hit his 20th home run yesterday.  I get the feeling he’s going to take a big step forward next year.  Assuming the Sciosciapath doesn’t bench him for an Izturis, an Aybar or a Mathis.

Jason Kipnis – Now has three straight games with a homer.  “Why didn’t I pick him up?”  That’s you after you see someone else in your league grab him.

Phil Hughes – A complete game shutout! (Okay, the game was rain shortened to six innings, but whatever.  Final thirds are overrated.  I would’ve loved Inglourious Basterds without the final third.)

Matt Holliday – Hit his 16th homer and got his first steal.  See, just needed a little razzing.  BTW, do something, Pedro Alvarez!

Paul Goldschmidt – 1-for-3 with his first major league homer.  Or as you say his name in German, Au Shit!

Hiroki Kuroda – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks vs Latos (7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks) as the two offensive powerhouses, Dodgers and Padres, met in Petco.  Luckily, someone scored and this game didn’t need to be decided with a game of duck, duck, goose.

Mike Adams – 1 IP, 1 ER.  If there’s no Padre fans, is there still derisive laughing when Adams gives up runs?  Ponder that after three bong hits.

What a distracting week. Football comes in and trumps all of the trade deadline thunder, and I’m getting sick of seeing “Mr. Mackey” give football updates. If I have to explain that joke, then it really wasn’t that funny. So back to the sport that is actually being played. Trade deadline rumors are rampant, some pieces have been moved already, with some really interesting fantasy relevant moves to come. On a side note, for my money is there a better GM in baseball than AA in Toronto, he seems to always be a couple steps ahead of other GM’s. Any the who, enjoy the last 2 days of real baseball trading, hopefully the moves will be beneficial to your teams. Nothing sucks worse than losing a top 10 closer this late in the season, but such is life. Good luck on this week’s endeavors. (Please keep in mind that pitchers and match-ups change.)

ONE START OPTIONS:

8/3
Dillon Gee vs. Fla – Hensley
Josh Collmenter @ SF – Vogelsong
Ted Lilly @ SD – Stauffer

8/4
Brett Cecil @ Tb – Davis
Jason Marquis @ Col – Jiminez

8/5
Jeff Karstens vs. SD – Harang
Jake Westbrook @ Fla – Nolasco
Jeff Niemann vs. Oak – Moscoso
Mark Buehrle @ Min – Blackburn

Paul Maholm (CHC vs. Zambrano, SD vs. Moseley) Last five starts a very acceptable 3.12 ERA, home ERA on the year 2.37. You picking up what I’m putting down? Playoff hopes start with Maholm and end with the next dude. Pretty scary proposition.

Kevin Correia (CHC vs. Wells, SD vs. Luebke) I have been riding his roads starts like a saddle, now 2 home starts. Match-up wise it looks pretty favorable, it’s getting to be make or break week for the Pirates, raise the Jolly Roger.

Bronson Arroyo (@Hou vs. Norris, @CHC vs. Wells) I was sitting next to Chris De Burgh at a bar the other day and he started singing in honor of Bronson, sentimental stuff. I’m still looking for a useful fantasy tidbit, skip and come back later. Oh I got something, he is the clubhouse leader in negative WAR. Way to go.

Javier Vazquez (NYM vs. Pelfrey, StL vs. Carpenter) Last 4 starts have been better, fantasy-wise he is the roller coaster that someone died on, but we still want to ride it because we have heard before that it was cool.

Doug Fister (Oak vs. Cahill, @Ana vs. Santana) Reading his stats is like reading an obituary. It has a funny twist at the end of it though, he has 12 losses and is top 20 for SP in WAR.

John Lannan (Atl vs. Lowe, @Col vs. Cook) Last 10, 4-2 and a 3.17 ERA. Free passes are his undoing. Home ERA is 2 runs lower than road. The “You could do worse” starter of the week.

Mike Pelfrey (Fla vs. Vazquez, Atl vs. Jurrjens) Home ERA 3.35. Career low GO/AO. Which means he is giving up a ton of HR’s. Those my friends are ungood for fantasy.

Brian Duensing ( @Ana vs. Santana, CHW vs. Danks) Anyone else think that Santana gets killed in his first start after the no-no? Guess I’m the only one. 3-1 with a 3.50 ERA since July 1st.

Kyle Kendrick (@Col vs. Cook, @SF vs. Lincecum) Somewhere Joe Blanton is sobbing, saying “that should be me.” To me any Philly starter is worth the gamble. Yeah, I went out on a limb there I know. Since June 1st no starter ERA is above 3.70.

Cory Luebke (LAD vs. Kershaw, Pit vs. Correia) He and Moseley have started feeding their teammates Tex-Mex before each of their starts. No word on who supplies the TP. In a funny side note, he is related to Dick Luebke from the 60’s. Yeah, say it twice it’s funnier the second time. Take advantage of the Hodgepodgery.

Let’s change the way we eat, let’s change the way we live and let’s change the Twins closer.  Joe Nathan is now the closer with two saves this weekend.  As I kinda said last week, Matt Capps was pitching so bad, he picked up Joe Nathan in his fantasy league.  And that’s me paraphrasing me!  Since Joe Nathan and Ron Gardenhire met on match.com many years ago, their relationship has blossomed from heated affair to full blown love.  They’re even Facebook official.  Assuming Nathan doesn’t cough up five leads in the matter of a week, he should have the closer job for the rest of the season.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Scott Baker – Placed on the DL with a muscle strain in his elbow, but is only supposed to miss one more start.  Mr. Baker also sounds like a Clue character.  Speaking of which, Clue has been updated, which makes me feel old.  There’s no more conservatory or lead pipe.  Now it’s shizz like, “Colonel Mustard in the spa with the trophy.”  I guess a lead pipe was too scary sounding.  So murdering someone with a common object like a trophy isn’t scary?  Also, Colonel Mustard in a spa?  He’s a decorated officer!  Clue, that’s a fail with a hashtag.

Ryan Braun – Has no get up and go because he had da calf on ice.  Could be back on Monday.

John Axford – K-Rod waived his option so the Brewers could use him in any capacity, which is north of tenacity.  So the Brewers chose to use K-Rod to setup Axford this weekend.  “I beat up my father-in-law over much less.”  Right now, you have to hold both K-Rod and Axford, but it looks like Axford is the first choice.

Jose Reyes – Supposed to return on Tuesday.  I’ll believe it when I see it.  “Grey, you have no faith in medicine.”  That’s Jack White reading Razzball.

Jason Isringhausen – The Mets said it would be a closer by committee.  Is anything done better by committee besides jerk seasoning, which is flavor by committee?  Mets also said Isringhausen would get first crack, but I still believe that’s to raise his trade value.

Blake Beavan – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Has a pretty hideous K-rate, i.e., Blake not so lively.  Also, Bedard’s either going to take his rotation spot or he’s going to pitch in Fenway next.

Mike Carp – Was recalled on Sunday.  No relation to Mike Trout.  Carp hit 21 homers in 65 games in the PCL, which is like hitting with an aluminum bat on the moon.  He also doesn’t have guaranteed playing time.  Obviously he’s worth a flyer right now in AL-Only leagues.

Matt Harrison – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Harrison now has an ERA of 2.91, my sweet lord.  I wouldn’t pick him up because of his walks and lack of Ks, but he proves the theory that the best spot starter is the pitcher facing the Mariners in Safeco (followed closely by the Padres in Petco).

Shaun Marcum – 5 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks and the win in Coors.  Kind of start I really don’t mind being sonavabenched on.  Marcum also left with a stiff neck, but he just got a Viagra stuck in his throat and should be fine for his next start.

Kyle Kendrick – 7 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 0 Ks.  I wouldn’t pick him up with your team.

Ryan Madson – 2/3 IP, 1 ER.  Madson always seems to struggle when it’s being reported that he could lose his job in the near future.  Stop watching Lifetime movies in the bullpen and cowboy up!

Chase Utley – 0-for-4 with his 9th steal, but only has 4 homers on the year.  To fix his knee, did the doctors attach his arms to hips and put his legs on his shoulders?

Josh Beckett – 8 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 0 walks and 6 Ks vs. Jeff Niemann (8 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, 2 walks, 10 Ks).  Lower the mound!  Beckett’s obviously an ace this year.  As for Neimann, I don’t trust him because of his usually pedestrian K-rate, but this was obviously a great start against a tough team, which followed his great start vs. the Yankees.  He gets the Royals and A’s next.

Alex Presley – 3-for-6, 3 RBIs and his 4th steal.  Jose Tabata who?!  Um, the guy that’s going to return and take Presley’s spot.  Yeah, I’m not sure how this is gonna shake out yet, but that doesn’t mean you can’t grab Presley in the mean’s while.

Brett Gardner – 3-for-4, 3 runs and 2 steals.  Since May 1st, he’s hitting .318 with 22 steals.  Cust kayin’.

Phil Hughes – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Hasn’t gone more than 90 pitches in any start this year.  Cashman must be fine-tuning Joba Rules.  Guess it’s better than Pavano Rules, which was hit Pavano over the head with a blunt object and bury him in the Pine Barrens.

Travis Snider – 2-for-4 and a steal.  Hitting over .400 in the last week with three steals in the last 4 games.  Russell Martin says, “You’re welcome.”

Zack Cozart – 2-for-4, hitting .400 since his call up and yesterday he homered.  See, the Reds didn’t even need to go to the free clinic to rid themselves of their bad case of the Renteria’s.

Homer Bailey – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks and Bailey didn’t get hurt.  It’s an early Christmas miracle!

Felipe Paulino – 7 Ip, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks.  That’s eight baserunners and eight Ks, not infinity.  Though it may as well be for Paulino.

Grady Sizemore – Day-to-day with a knee contusion.  His career trajectory is the exact opposite of everyone else who has ever taken nude photos of themselves.

Matt Wieters – 2-for-4 with a homer off Frank Herrmann.  When I saw Herrmann’s last name, it made me think of one of those spray painted, graffiti shirts you and your significant other got when you were fifteen.  I wonder if his wife has an Indians jersey with the last name, Hisgirl.

Nick Punto – His elbow is forcing him out for the year.  Sounds like his elbow probably owns Punto in fantasy.

Chase Headley – Might need an MRI on Monday for his calf.  BTW, what do you call Padre hitters that you only own in deep leagues?  Deep Friars.

Danny Espinosa – 3-for-5 with his 17th homer and just missed his 18th.  Anyone that has doubts about him hasn’t seen him swing the bat.  On a side note, Davey Johnson came out to argue the just miss was a home run and he looks like one of those computer-aged photos of what JFK would look like now.  One small step for the Nats, I suppose.

Tom Gorzelanny – Variety reported he was ankled from his start.

Jair Jurrjens – 5 IP, 6 ER as the Fangraphs Database laughed maniacally.

Mike Stanton – Hit two home runs on Saturday to bring his season total to 20.  I say he hits 40+ homers next year, assuming the Mayans are wrong and there is a next year.  “Why are we buying a new calender?”  That’s a young Mayan talking to his elder in December.

Emilio Bonifacio – 2-for-4, 2 runs.  Emily Boneface has the highest OBP for a leadoff hitter, has stolen 6 bases in the last week, has a 16-game hitting streak and calculated pi to 2.7 trillion decimal places.

Hanley Ramirez – 2-for-4 with a satisfying slam & legs.  Hitting .383 in July with 4 homers and 2 steals.  Jack McKeon just knows how to talk to the kids!

Javier Vazquez – 7 IP, 3 ER, 4 baserunners (no walks), 10 Ks.  That’s as impressive as I’ve seen Vazquez this year.  If he’s available in any leagues, I’d get on board for his next start vs. the Padres.

Vladimir Guerrero – To the DL with a small fracture in his hand after being hit by a pitch.  Orioles knew there was something wrong when Vlad saw a pitch and didn’t swing the bat.

David Aardsma – Went for Tommy John surgery.  In related news, Tommy John is collecting nickels for all the times he’s mentioned.  “Who needs the Hall of Fame?  I got nickels, snitches!”

Peter Bourjos – To the DL, but Trout looks pretty overmatched so far.  Might want to look elsewhere.  In keepers, you obviously ignore early results.

Jeff Keppinger – 3-for-5 and Blanco Polanco now has homers in back-to-back games.  He’s like jarred salsa; he’s not very hot, but he’ll still give you indigestion.

Matt Downs – Out while his wife, Leah, has a child.  Yes, her name is Leah Downs.  I’d say!

Gio Gonzalez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks.  He’s always brilliant at home.  BTW, realizing that every good pitching park ends in co — Petco, Safeco, Metco — Oakland’s stadium now goes by O.co, which I’m not even sure how to pronounce.  How about, “What the eff.co?”  Senior exec, “Corporate’s coming down hard on us to rebrand ourselves.”  Junior exec, “How about a name that no one can pronounce?”  Senior exec, “I’m gonna tell our boss that just so you’re fired, Stevens!”  Later that day, Boss, “A name we can’t pronounce?  That’s crazy enough to work!”