Fantasy Baseball Advice

Brian Wilson is donzo.  I called this one about 48 hours prior.  You can put it on the beard…. Goodbye!  The crizzappy thing for me is I told everyone to pick up Santiago Casilla to replace Wilson, and I picked him up too.  I mean, I literally grabbed Casilla while the trainer was looking at Wilson’s arm on Thursday.  So, of course, I dropped Casilla when Wilson was supposedly okay on Friday and Rudy grabbed him on Saturday before I could.  *shakes fist*  Rudy!  No one really knows who’ll follow in Wilson’s non-conformist footsteps.  He leaves a long shadow that smells of dirty socks.  Sergio Romo has been a great MR for a couple years, while Casilla is rumored to be the favorite and Bochy brought him into the 8th in a tie game on Saturday.  The mystery of ‘Who replaces Wilson?’ is trapped inside Bochy’s enormous head.  To get the answer, you have move Bochy’s head like one of those wooden labyrinth marble mazes and hope the answer comes out his mouth and not one of the other holes.  I’d grab Casilla and Romo, in that order.   I actually even grabbed Affeldt for situational saves, but I realized I couldn’t speculate that deep — don’t have the bench room, yo — so I lost him.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Jacoby Ellsbury – That hard C you heard was the crunch of Brignac falling on a crapton of fantasy baseballers’ (<–my mom’s term!) number one outfielder.  Doctors are saying Ellsbury has a subluxation, laymen are saying he has a dislocation of the shoulder, my Asian woman neighbor who’s always working on her lawn said, “Potato-potahto, you’re screwed.”  For the next six to eight weeks, he’s D’Ellsburied.  If he fails to respond to rest, there’s a chance he’ll need season-ending surgery.  I say put a cone on his head and shove him in a dog crate.  Gotta respond to that kind of rest.  If you owned Ellsbury, you should be able to find steals — SAGNOF! — on waivers.  His combo on speed, power, runs, RBIs, average… Well, it’s a bitter pill(sbury) to swallow.

Jason Repko – 0-for-3, as he started yesterday in CF for the Sawx.  Jason Repko is the answer to the question, “Who is Jason Repko?”  “Who’s the thirty-one year old has-been in the outfield?” “This is the Red Sox depth?” and “Wait, what?”

Mike Aviles – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer in as many games after he took over the leadoff spot.  In the big picture, I’m not a fan of Aviles, but if you have a slow starting MI photobombing your big picture, I could see working with Aviles.  Just don’t be jockin’ Mike Aviles to my dismay.

Cody Ross – 1-for-2, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer in as many games.  No one really likes a Cody, except Kathie Lee, but if he’s hitting there’s that.  BTW, with Big Papi, Youk, Ross, Aviles, Shoppach and Repko in the starting lineup yesterday, is it me or does it seem like Theo was secretly replaced by Brian Sabean?

David Wright – Decided to play through the pain and homered on Saturday, and has gone 5-for-9 in his two games back.  I don’t know.  I’m trying not to be a Mets player hater here, as I’ve been accused of in the past, but here’s my take.  I think Wright’s a gamer.  He’s shown it in the past.  At one point in 2009, he was battling concussion symptoms, lingering groin soreness, a flu and a strain behind his knee all at the same time.  And he still got on the field.  Can I dig it?  Yes, I can.  He’s like the “It’s merely a flesh wound” guy.  But he still hit 10 homers that year in 144 games.  I’d be concerned that he’s playing with a broken pinkie and it’s not healing properly, so it ends up costing his numbers in the long run.

Ike Davis – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his first homer.  I gotta say, people in the comments talking about dropping Ike Davis after 10 days of games is a bit crazy.  If he hits 3 more homers in April (still have half a month!), he’s on pace for 24 homers for the year.  Isn’t that kinda what you expected from him?

Brandon Belt – 1-for-3 with a steal with the start.  Bochy’s marble must’ve fell out the right hole.

Ryan Vogelsong – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. the Pirates.  In the rankings, I wrote something about how Vogelsong would be a solid spot starter against weaker offenses.  And that’s me paraphrasing me!

Matt Moore – 6 1/3 IP, 6 ER, 12 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Now has 9 walks in 13 innings.  Did Ollie Perez and Matt Moore make a wish while peeing in the same fountain?

Luke Scott – 1-for-4 with a homer in two straight games.  After Luke Scott hit a homer on Saturday, I grabbed him for Sunday’s game.  He’s like a slightly less streaky, Carlos Pena.  He can hit 8 homers in a month, then a buck twenty-five for another month, then get hurt during his home run trot.  April looks like the month he hits 8 homers.  Or April powers, bring May sours.

Hector Noesi – There are Noesi starts in MLB, but OAK @ SEA sure isn’t one of the hardest.  That said, 8 shutout innings with 6 Ks is pretty sweet.  He has potential to be the King of the Marginers.  “I name this land, Pineiroton, after one of our forefathers.”  That’s Noesi taking the King of the Marginers title a little too seriously.

Edwin Jackson – A complete game victory against the Reds with only 1 ER, 3 baserunners, and 9 Ks.  Don’t get too excited.  You take the win out of his name and you’re left with ‘Jacked, son.’  In shallow leagues, he’s a 6th SP or streaming candidate.

Omar Infante – 1-for-5 with his 4th homer.  Eh, only 4 more than Stanton.  I’m not bitter.  Nah.  I will now down a bottle of NyQuil and operate heavy machinery.

Hanley Ramirez – 7 for his last 9 with a homer.  Hey, look what the cat dragged in –> 2010 Hanley.

Heath Bell – Could there be an easier save opp than a 3 run lead at the Crayola Canyon against the Lastros?  If there is, let Heath Bell know because he could use it.  Lucky for his owners, 2 of the runs were credited as unearned.  Wouldn’t handcuff him yet, but I’d be a little more aggressive fishing for waiver saves if I owned him.

Brandon Beachy – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, which comes after Mike Minor went 7 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 4 Ks on Saturday.  If Leo Mazzone were around, he’d be on the bench rocking back and forth like The Masturbating Bear to the Braves young pitching.

Jason Heyward – 1-for-3 and his 2nd homer and he’s batting .345.  After the first game of the season, I said some crazy thing like Heyward looks lost.  Well, I’m a moron, similarly to Fredi, who insists on batting Heyward 7th.  Move Heyward up!

Jonathan Lucroy – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer.  The other Brewers catcher, Kottaras, has three homers.  So Kottaras and Lucroy combined have more homers than Pujols, Stanton, Longoria, Braun and Votto.  Gotta love early season outliers.

Mike Leake – 6 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 8 baserunners, 1 K.  This has no basis in fact, but it seems like Leake (which makes beautiful crystal) that he either has a 6 IP, 3 ER game or a 6 IP, 5 ER.  That’s, uh, not so, uh, good for mixed leagues.  In related news, Aroldis has 8 IP, 3 hits, no walks and 15 Ks on the year.  In case you need that told to you with teenaged girl emphasis — 15 Ks!!!  In, like, only 8 IP!!!  Plenty gnar.

Dayan Viciedo – 1-for-4 yesterday with his second homer in three games.  Viciedo is Latin for “I came, I hacked, I homered.”

Jason Kipnis – 3 for his last 7 with 2 homers.  Here’s my Jason Kipnis fantasy because I don’t believe in throwing out the baby even after three Opening Days and eight total games for the Indians.  Hey, I get it, I’m just as bad.  In the my RCL, I’ve made 23 waiver wire moves (pretty much adding and dropping my UTIL guy cause I lost Chisenhall), but, well, go read this post.

Liam Hendriks – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners (0 walks), 4 Ks.  You know how next to the deli counter there’s a counter for starters who don’t walk or strikeout many guys and have more real world value than fantasy?  The Twins order their meat from there.

Matt Carpenter – 4-for-4, 5 RBIs and a homer.  He’s filling in for Berkman.  Carpenter’s minor league numbers look kinda utility-man-ish, so if that’s anything like Omar Infante, he’ll hit 4 homers this week.

Jake Westbrook – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks.  And if the Twins buy their meat from the Hendriks’ section, the Cards buy their meat from Westbrook/Chris Carpenter section where pitchers are either the type no one wants that the Cards turn into aces or the aces they turn into meat.

Bryan Shaw – Recorded his 2nd save of the year yesterday.  Now has more saves than Sean Marshall.  David Hernandez and Putz were used the previous day (and were ineffective), but there’s nothing to see here (probably).  Shaw may not get a nutter save this year.

Trevor Cahill – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks in Coors.  I know no one’s looking at rankings anymore because we’re a whole 9 games into a 162 games season, but I liked Cahill in the preseason.  I still do.

Krispie Young – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and a slam & legs, hitting .364.  This was his fourth homer… To tie Omar Infante!  Since this is really all about me, Krispie is literally the only guy on my RCL team that is hitting.  That is all.  Literally.

Matt Kemp – 3-for-4 with his 6th homer.  In the offseason, Kemp said he wanted to have a 50/50 season.  I didn’t realize he meant in April.

Dee Gordon – 2-for-6 with his 6th and 7th steal.  He really could steal 70 bases this year, as long as he doesn’t walk too close to a salad bar and someone mistakes him for a string bean.

Brett Myers – Astros are shopping around Myers.  Hey, I got an idea.  Trade him to the Nats for Lannan.  Or the Giants, Marlins, Blue Jays, Red Sox, Rangers, Rays, Diamondbacks, Twins, back to the Astros… Is there any team that doesn’t need a closer?

Kyle Drabek – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Now has an ERA of 1.42 on the year (okay, that’s through two starts).  Small sample size, schmall schample schmize.   He’s a former top prospect and you should grab him in case this is the breakout finally for this former-top-prospect-no-longer-a-prospect-maybe-is-showing-signs-of-being-a-top-prospect-again pitcher.  I got all hyphenated there, the un-comma.

Brett Lawrie – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his first homer on the year as he bats .306.  No amount of hashtags is holding back our enthusiasm for Lawrie.

Edwin Encarnacion – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his third homer.  What’s E5 doing at 1st?  The answer, my friend, is the blowing from Lind.

If I were the type to gloat, I’d say I told you to not draft David Wright.  I’m not that type of fantasy baseball ‘pert though.  Nah, I simply get satisfaction from not owning him anywhere and watching as teams that do own him scramble looking for replacements.   ….Okay, it’s similar to gloating, but it’s not the same thing.  With his sudden proneness for injuries, Mets fans may reflexively be chanting ‘Larry’ when he comes to bat now, which may not be for a while since he has a fractured pinkie.  He’ll need to wear a splint and the Mets are saying he’s out indefinitely, but we’ll know more later today.  In the meantime, the Mets pitching coach will be teaching Wright how to throw a splint finger.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Mike Morse – Shutdown after having renewed pain in his lat.  There’s no timetable for his return.  Real World Situation Alert:  Your boss at Shakey’s says he appreciates the way you put the “Happy Birthday” messages on the giant billboard out front, but there’s no timetable for a promotion.  How does that make you feel?  Okay, now how do you feel about Morse?

Clayton Kershaw – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks.  I miss owning him.  That is all.

Andre Ethier – 2-for-4 with his 2nd homer in as many games.  I’m not saying he’s not bouncing back and I’m not yelling fire in the theater of Razzball, but he did hit .385 last April.  Things that make you go hmm…

Austin Jackson – 1-for-2 with a homer, now batting .563 with a downright weird BABIP over .750, which has Jackson’s owners saying keep Austin weird.

Neftali Feliz – 7 shutout innings (6 baserunners, 4 Ks) in his first start (albeit against the Mariners).  The Rangers convert relievers better than missionaries convert natives.

Edwin Encarnacion – 2-for-3 with the home run and 2 steals, which I guess is a slam and legses.  Legii?

Kyle Drabek – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks.  With starts like this he should stay in the Blue Jays rotation, but remember he’s got potentially-yet-to-be-unrealized-potential-that-might-not-be-potential-anymore potential.  The potential is there, though.

Matt Moore – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners (5 walks), 4 Ks. You have a team that has a leadoff hitter hitting over .500, Miggy and Fielder hitting over .400 and you give 5 walks… Yeah, I’d be happy with only two earned runs too.

Dustin Moseley – His MRI revealed that his shoulder has extensive damage.  And that’s how one goes from a Hodgepadre to an “Oh Fudge” Padre.

Carlos Beltran – Hit his 3rd HR of the year.  Must be the combination of knowing he’s not a Met and won’t have to face Wainwright’s curve ball.

David Freese – 3 HRs and 10 RBIs now in 6 games.  He’s going to be pissed with that hypnotist when there’s no champagne in the clubhouse after their next win.

Lance Berkman – Says he has a tender calf.  Aw, ain’t that sweet?  He should sing it lullabies.  He also said he should be ready to go by Friday.

Sergio Santos – Cordero will get saves until Saturday because Santos has been excused to attend the birth of his first child.  I hope his wife’s not counting on him to save any mementos from the hospital.

Daniel Bard – 5 IP, 5 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Just when Sale and Feliz get you excited about converted relievers… On the plus side, he only walked one and struck out 6.  If he keeps his walks down like that, he might actually pitch some quality starts.  Of course, he won’t get any wins because the bullpen will blow them.

Kyle Lohse – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Member what I said last week about him being a solid pitcher in April and May?  Yup.

Jayson Werth – 4 for 5 against the Mets.  3 singles, 1 double.  Must’ve been his brother Laynce in the stands that inspired him to such heights.

Ross Detwiler – 5 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks.  He was recommended in our two start pitcher post on Saturday.  The blurb about Detwiler made me laugh, too.  My loud high-pitched annoying laugh that you’ll be hearing more of later today with our newest podcast.

Ian Desmond – 2-for-4 with a homer.  His owners probably can’t wait until he cools off so they can drop him.

Chipper Jones – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and a homer in his first game back.  Otherwise known as the game before he’s injured again.

Tyler Pastornicky – 1-for-3 with his first home run.  Aren’t you glad you punted shortstop and grabbed Pastronicky or Cozart late?  Yeah, I know.  Thank me later.

Lorenzo Cain – Left yesterday’s game with a groin strain.  Usually when one of my guy’s gets injured I get sullen — despondent even! — but, uh, guess who gets more at-bats if Cain is injured?  The ultimate in SAGNOF — Bourgeois!

Blake Beavan – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks.  That’s nice; I wouldn’t go near him.

Jordan Schafer – 3-for-5, 2 runs and 3 SBs in 5 innings against Hanson-McCann.  The last time someone stole that much from a Hanson was this chick who stole the Hanson drummer’s virginity during the MMMBop tour.

Chris Narveson – 5 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Chris Narveson isn’t just The Noid’s Christian name, he’s also a pitcher who I like for certain matchups.  Should be good for a 7+ K-rate and a just-under 4 ERA.

Edinson Volquez – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks.  I wouldn’t say I like Edinson for matchups.  I’d say I like him for all leagues.  He’s in a terrific pitching park where his walks won’t haunt him as bad, get on board!

Derek Jeter – 2-for-6 with a homer the day after going 4-for-4.  Looks like someone’s hitting the Carrow’s for the Early Bird Special.  Minka used to love his enlarged pro stats.

Danny Duffy – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners (1 hit), 8 Ks.  Granted, it was against the A’s, who have hitters that their own mother wouldn’t draft, but Duffy looked solid but wild.  That is his downfall as of right now, “solid but wild.”

Vladimir Guerrero – In police custody after a bar brawl in the Dominican Republic.  Guerrero said he had nothing to do with the inciting argument and that he was just the designated hitter.

To discuss Francisco Liriano at Razzball HQ, I gathered the Random Italicized Voice, MR. AL CAPS and Larry King.  After eating me out of house and home — “The selection was pretty meager.  Freezer pops, really?” “NOT A THING TO DRINK,” “Anyone see where I put down my teeth?” –  we talked about Liriano.  He started off in the preseason in my top 10 starters for 2011.  “That call looks as pretty as Rocky Dennis.“  “YOU SHOULD’VE FOLLOWED THAT CALL WITH SAYING TYLER COLVIN WOULD HIT 40 HOME RUNS.”  “I wonder if my teeth are in the bathroom.”  April saw Liriano’s ERA balloon to 9.13 and a lot of talk about how the Twins asked him to throw to contact.  Yeah, why strike out guys when you can have hitters hit balls into holes?  “I’d like to hit some of my random italicized balls into holes.“  “NICE ONE, RIV!”  “Hey, what do you know?  I clipped the potato bag closed with my teeth.”  In May, Liriano had an ERA of 2.52 and a no hitter, but he still didn’t look completely right.  In June, he’s given up one earned run in 13 innings.  More importantly, he has more Ks than innings pitched.  After his June 7th start, I said that was the best he’s looked all year, including the no-hitter.  On Sunday, he looked better — 8 IP, 1 ER, 2 hits, zero walks and 9 Ks vs. the Rangers.  He’s not at 100% owned in ESPN, I’d go ahead and fix that.  Also, if you can get a Liriano owner to think he’s selling high, I’d see if I could still buy low.  Remember some of these owners are still dealing with early season scars when he looked like hot garbage.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Joe Mauer – Supposed to return on Thursday.  I’ll give him an over/under of 7 home runs on the year.  I’ll give him and Morneau combined an over/under of 14 homers.  Or two less than The Drubal has right now.  “Why do I own Morneau in multiple leagues?”  That’s me standing on the edge of the Golden Gate Bridge with tears streaming down my cheeks.

Mike Napoli – Headed to the DL with a strained oblique.  The bad news is he’ll probably miss three to four weeks.  The good news is it’s three to four weeks without questioning why Napoli isn’t playing.  If humans use 10% of their brains and 7% of that is used with Napoli questions, suddenly you’re all gonna be like Travolta in Phenomenon.  Forget picking up a free agent catcher, pick up a tractor trailer with a wiggle of your finger.

Miguel Olivo – Hit two more home runs on Sunday.  All he does is hit home runs!  (For a week or two then goes crazy cold.)

Justin Smoak – Hit his 2nd home run in the last three days, now has 12 on the year.  I think next year he’s going to be terrific, but this year he might just be a tad better than Mitch Moreland.  BTW, who names their kid, Mitch?  That’s one of the few times the long form of a name — Mitchell — is far preferable.  Hmm, looking again at the Google Map of this post, it looks like I could’ve avoided the Mitch detour.

Bartolo Colon – To the 15 day DL.  When Colon heard he had a strained hammy, he asked if it was glazed.

Jorge Posada – 2-for-3 and is now only six points away in average from Russell Martin (.226 vs. .232).  That’s not a positive for Posada, but a negative for Russell Martin, who I told people to sell back in April.

Derek Jeter – 7 from 3,000.  Tony Gwynn said the last ten hits are the hardest to 3,000.  Gwynn, “Until you get those last 10 hits, you won’t even enjoy the activity you enjoy most.  For you, that’s probably banging Minka Kelly.  For me, it was eating Big Macs.”

Aaron Harang – Headed to the DL with a foot injury, which for the Harangatuan could be his hands, not sure.  Since Dustin Moseley is also ailing, Wade LeBlanc could fill in the rotation.  In deeper mixed and NL-Only leagues, he’s a decent Hodgepadre flyer.

Anthony Rizzo – Homered on Saturday.  It’s Rizzo, jerky!

John Axford – Recorded his 18th save to go along with his 2.97 ERA.  Member when you dropped him the first week of the season?  Yeah, I’d suggest Ritalin for the Attention Deficit Drops.

Dustin Pedroia – Since the knee scare, he’s actually been great.  Yesterday, he hit a home run, before that two three-hit days.  Maybe I was irrationally worried about his knee, or maybe I just couldn’t put my finger on his can’t-put-your-finger-on-it-ness.

David Ortiz – 2-for-6, 4 RBIs and his 17th home run while sporting a .325 average.  His collapse next year is gonna catch some fantasy owners off guard, but think about the poor schmuck who’s gonna give him a 3-year, $45 million contract.  Ed Wade’s Toupee, “If we had a DH, I’d consider it.  We don’t have a DH, right?”

Kyle Drabek – 4 IP, 8 ER.  Will have a nice career at some point, but right now he looks like five kinds of wrong with a side of meh.  Speaking of meh, Super 8, though it ended up being just disappointing because of expectations.  How does J.J. Abrams go wrong with Close Encounters meets E.T. meets Stand By Me?  Only thing that could have been more disappointing is if David Simon was somehow involved, but he’s busy disappointing me with Treme.  I will say I would like to see an updated Goonies built around the pyromaniac kid with braces.  Finally we have a new Mouth.  If that kid isn’t mainlining heroin within 5 years because of all the money he’s about to make, he should fire his parents.

Hunter Pence – Sat out Sunday with a sore back.  I have a sore “lacking a 2nd outfielder” on my fantasy teams, so hopefully it’s not a major issue.

Allen Craig – To the DL.  Hopefully, the Rays call up Desmond Jennings soon.  What does that have to do with Allen Craig?  Nothing.

Rubby de la Rosa – 5 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Left the game early rubbing his index finger.  He was either injured or playing charades with his name.

Andre Ethier – 0-for-4, hitting .321 with 5 homers and no steals on the year.  He is such an empty average and, when that falls to .300, you’re gonna be left with even less.

Scott Elbert – Got the Dodgers first save in 3 weeks.  This was just a situational save; I wouldn’t run out and add Elbert.  I would add Elbert before Roeper though.  He was worse for their show than Ebert’s cancer.

Ubaldo Jimenez – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 12 baserunners, 2 Ks and 5 unearned runs.  Holy ticker shock!

Carlos Gonzalez – 3-for-5 with only his 2nd slam and legs this year, as his owners hunger for more.  He now has 9 homers and 10 steals.  He’s just about on pace for where I thought he’d be.

J.P. Howell – Ye of the 10+ ERA got the save yesterday even though Farnsworth wasn’t overworked on Saturday.  I think it was just a one time thing for Thurston and Lovey’s kid, but it’s worth monitoring.  Or not.  Your choice.

Mark Reynolds – On Saturday, he hit 2 home runs.  On Sunday, he left the game with a left arm contusion, according to ESPN.  Is it me or are teams using the word contusion a lot recently?  Was contusion just the Word of the Day at Dictionary.com?  Did Selig send around a memorandum that teams should start using contusion?  It’s a bruise, people.

Adam Jones – 2-for-4 with his 9th homer.  He’s been better than Heyward.  Cust kayin’.

Dan Uggla – 2-for-3 with his 8th home run and first since May 15th.  Or the first home run for Uggla since we lost the rapper of Teach Me How To Dougie.  Good to see Uggla’s finally putting that behind him.

Tommy Hanson – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 14 Ks.  First name:  Hommy.  Last name:  Tanson.  Middle Name:  Butter.

Craig Kimbrel – Venters recorded his 3rd save on Sunday but the word on the streets of Atlanta is Kimbrel is still the closer, he just needed to rest.  Here’s a revolutionary idea, rest him during non-save situations.

Sergio Santos – Got the save yesterday but he’s now given up 8 earned runs in his last three outings.  I could see grabbing Thornton on spec, but I’d leave him on my bench for now.

Adam Dunn – Hit his 2nd home run in the last 4 days.  An Uggla and Dunn homer on the same day.  It’s a total eclipse of a bad start.

Scott Sizemore – 1-for-3 with his first home run.  He went 3-for-4 on Friday and has been playing every day.  If you’re hurting at middle or corner infidel, it’s worth looking at him.

Tyler Chatwood – 3 2/3 IP, 5 ER as he got Mazzacred.

Jordan Zimmermann – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks.  I love him, enough’s been written on that.  But, let’s be clear, against the Padres in Petco isn’t exactly facing the 1927 Yankees in Coors.

Elvis Andrus – Was pulled from the game for a lack of energy going to first.  Ron Washington, “Was setting an example, but I know about wanting to savor it when you go down a line…”

Alcides Escobar – 2-for-3 with his 8th steal.  Yeah, yeah, fail with a hashtag for Alcides, but he’s 10 for his last 17 with 2 steals.

Mike Moustakas – Homered on Saturday.  The Royals should hand out bottles of tahini and have their fans squirt each other in the face after a home run.  It’s Greek love!

David Wright has a stress fracture in his lower back.  It’s the new Mets, same as the old Mess!  I find it hard to believe this is still The Curse of the Shirtless Bernazard, but who else is evil eyeing them?  George Foster?  (BTW, If George Foster ever evil eyed you for longer than 5 seconds, you’d turn to stone.  Fact!)  The Mets are downplaying Wright’s injury, but what else is new with the Mets?  Let’s look at their truthiness in some recent reports:  In 2009, “Reyes will be out for a few days.”  In reality, he’s only fully recovered two years later.  In 2009, “Beltran will be out for three to five days.”  In reality, he missed two seasons.  “K-Rod and his stepfather, an up and coming videographer, were remaking the “Beat It” video.”  In reality, K-Rod blew Kabuki white powder into his stepfather’s face and hit him over the head with a metal chair.  So the Mets are saying Wright might miss only a week and a half to two weeks.  Um, okay.  Even if he returns quickly, a stress fracture in his lower back isn’t going to hurt his power?  Yeah, that’s rhetorical.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jose Reyes – 2-for-5, 2 steals.  Now has 16 steals on the year.  How do you motivate overpaid athletes?  With the allure of being vastly overpaid.

Mike Pelfrey – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 1 Ks.  That’s nice, I don’t trust him as far as I can throw him and I throw like a girl.  My apologies to our three girl readers, I’m sure you are all bulldykes with strong arms.

Hanley Ramirez – Moved to the two hole, which is where you find crap, and he went 0-for-6.  Voila!

Josh Johnson – 5 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Left the game with a forearm contusion.  No word yet on how long he’ll be out, but once someone reads it somewhere else they will update us in the comments.

Justin Turner – Overdrive!  2-for-5 with a double and a RBI.  Know why I mentioned the double when I don’t usually?  Cause I’m trying to find nice things to say.  Go with it.

Cliff Lee – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 12 baserunners (6 BBs), 4 Ks.  Six walks for The Adverb?  Did he throw that many all of last year?  Hopeful Lee, it’s just a mechanics thing-a-ma-whosie.

Chase Utley – Could be back within the next two weeks.  So this is either a great time to sell or hold.  I don’t think I’d buy unless I really needed to shake things up on my team and I could get him for cheap.  If your entire league is tentative because of Utley’s recent health track record is rivaling that of the “It’s merely a flesh wound” guy, then you hold.  If someone wants to take the risk for a decent price, you sell.  Deal?  Yeah, deal.

Dustin Ackley – Guess what ya’ll we’re gonna talk about the Mariners!  Snooze.  But we’re talking about the top Mariners prospect!  Yawn.  But it’s Dustin Ackley and he hit 5 homers and stole 2 bases in Triple-A last year over 237 plate appearances!  Burp.  So far this year, he’s been better with power and speed — 5 homers and 6 steals through 38 games.  His average has been yawnstipating at best.  Speaking of yawnstipating, Ackley’s projected for the kind of numbers I don’t like in fantasy.  He’s potentially a 12/12 guy this year if called up within the next two weeks, as it’s being reported he will be.  Assuming he has 2nd base eligibility (which he does not yet have in Yahoo for some godforsaken reason), he’s a MILF (Middle Infielder I’d take a Flyer on).

Michael Pineda – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks with his 5th win and a 2.45 ERA on the year.  He’s great, I like him a lot, so don’t take this the wrong way, but the Twins’ hitting is offensive in all the wrong ways.

Colby Rasmus – Strained muscle in his stomach.  He’s saying he’ll be fine.  You know, Colby’s a survivor.

Albert Pujols – 0-for-4 as he started at third base.  Tony La Russa said, “I feel bad about what I’ve been doing to people’s fantasy teams with my indecision regarding a closer, so I thought I’d throw the nerds a bone.”

John Lackey – Sent to the DL.  The Red Sox said his elbow strain might have something to do with his 8.01 ERA.  So, does that mean he’s been hurt for the last two years?

A.J. Burnett – 5 2/3 IP, 6 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Hey, 2010 A.J. Burnett good to see you.  Say hello to your mother for me.

David Price – 5 IP, 5 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Was a tough matchup against Curtis Granderson, who hit his 14th homer.  Who are you, Curtis Granderson?  Why are you trying to steal Jose Bautista’s thunder?  He is Joey Bats.  Who are you, Courtesy Gratin?  What’s that, free cheesy tater tots?  That doesn’t even make any sense, and neither does your insane power.  Now go to your room.

Johnny Damon – Hit his 7th homer.  Has 6 more homers than Morneau.  Of course he does, the world makes perfect sense!

Derrek Lee – Strained oblique.  That’s sad for Lee and his family.  No one else should care.

Max Scherzer – 7 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks.  I blame his lack of run support on his searching-for-Golem sounding name.  Chabon would’ve gave him the win.

Andy Dirks – 1-for-2.  Member when I said I was half-joking about Leyland batting Dirks 3rd?  Yeah, he batted him 2nd instead.  Theory!  With the rise of cigarette prices, Leyland has been forced to use his extra lineup cards for tobacco rolling paper.  So he only has one lineup card and he just puts players in the same lineup spot as the player they are replacing.

Jhonny Peralta – 1-for-4 with his 6th home run.  The Silent H has 4 homers in his last 5 games.  He too is hotter than a habanero’s ass.  Still don’t know what that means but if I say it enough times it’ll catch on.

Aroldis Chapman – To the Disgraceful List.  It’s always amazing to me how clubs can get away with DL’ing someone who isn’t injured but is simply sucking.  And, perhaps, that’s neither funny or interesting.

Jonny Gomes – Hit a home run and that usually means five more will follow.  Though, to be honest, I didn’t realize how poorly he’s been.  He’s down to .188 on the year.  Yo, Gomes, you need an oddly-placed H in your first name.

Shaun Marcum – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks.  You’re welcome.

Paul Maholm – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. the Nats.  Sorta glass half full:  Sure, it was an easy match-up, but he’s now pitched well in six of his last 8 starts.  Sorta glass half empty:  His strikeouts to walks isn’t pretty.  Sorta who cares:  It’s Paul Maholm.

Danny Espinosa – 1-for-3 with his 5th homer.  All he does is hit home runs!  Kinda true with his abysmal average (.196 on the year).

Cole Kimball – 1 IP, o ER with the win.  That Cole Kimball sure plays a mean baseball!

Colby Lewis – 9 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Really pulled his shizz together in May.  April ERA 5.70; May ERA 2.35.  Also, worth noting is his batting average against lefties is .273; vs. righties it’s .224.

Vin Mazzaro – 2 1/3 IP, 14 ER.  He comes from my birthplace, Hackensack, NJ.  Yesterday, the Indians treated him like a hacky sack.

Matt LaPorta – 4-for-4, 4 RBIs as the Indians moved to 25-13 on the year.  Somebody wake up the Comatose Indians Fan, your team is more than just a racist mascot!

Dexter Fowler – Caught stealing twice.  Now has 5 caught stealings in 7 attempts.  Good thing he didn’t choose a life of crime.

Jacoby Ellsbury – Hit in the leadoff spot, 2-for-5, batting .302 and stole his 13th base.  Member in the preseason everyone was like don’t draft Ellsbury, Crawford’s gonna steal his mojo?  Um, Crawford’s hitting .208 and batting between Lowrie and Varitek.

Mark Reynolds – Hit his 2nd homer in three games as Mini Donkey finally draws some brays.

Kyle Drabek – 7 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners (6 BBs), 2 Ks.  Too many BBs, he’s gonna shoot his eye out doing that.

Adam Lind – Placed on the 15-day DL with back soreness.  Just so we’re clear how ridiculous it is what the Mets said about Wright possibly being back in 10 days.  Lind has back soreness and is going on the DL; Wright has a stress fracture in his lower back.  Oh-kay.

Frank Francisco – 1 IP, 1 ER and the save.  He doesn’t seem remotely capable of handling the closing job, yet I think he probably does stay the closer all year, if that makes sense, and I think it does but I’ve had nine beers tonight and something a guy named Phil called a lavash.

Tommy Hanson – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 10 Ks.  First name, Hommy.  Second name, Tanson.

Grady Sizemore – To the DL.  I wonder if he has one of those punch cards so he gets a free sandwich with this DL trip.

Around 7 AM on Sunday morning, my smoke detector started beeping every few minutes.  Hungover, I rolled out of bed.  I figured the battery was low, so I removed it and went back to sleep.  An hour later, it started beeping again.  So I removed the smoke detector from the wall and it stopped beeping.  Then at 3 AM Monday night, it started beeping again.  I pulled out my ladder and, like I was defusing a bomb but not caring if it blew up, I indiscriminately cut all the wires from the smoke detector and went back to sleep.  About 5 hours later, it started beeping again.  I pulled a hammer from my tool box and began smashing the smoke detector.  Then I went into my office and did the same to that smoke detector just to make sure.  Then I removed the one from my bedroom and did the same.  No more beeping…. Until Tuesday at 2 AM.  So I took all three smashed smoke detectors and threw them in the dumpster.  When I returned from the dumpster, more beeping.  It was like I was in England during the German raids of WWII.  The tell-tale heart was beat, beat, beating.  The next morning, I called a electrician to come by.  He said he couldn’t make it until Thursday, so I wore headphones all day Wednesday to block out the beeping.  Finally, on Thursday, the electrician showed up at my house and installed new smoke detectors.  In broken English, he told me everything was now fine.  I could remove my headphones.  Just then, there was more beeping.  Ah-ha!  See?!  I’m not crazy!  So the electrician followed the beeping sound and found the culprit.  In a desk drawer, there was a malfunctioning alarm clock.  I don’t tell you this story so you question all advice I give you, but this smoke detector dance reminded me of picking up free agents in fantasy baseball.  Alex Gordon hits.  You pick him up.  He stops hitting.  You drop him.  He starts hitting again.  You pick him up again.  He stops hitting.  You smash him with a hammer, throw him in the dumpster and promise yourself you’ll never pick him up again.  Then he hits again and you grab him.  I don’t have a lot of faith that Gordon will continue his production all year, but you absolutely have to pick him up just to see if he’s the real deal or just a malfunctioning alarm clock.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Brandon Belt – I almost didn’t put Belt in this week’s Buy because I figured everyone already owns him.  Then I saw he was only owned in 21% of ESPN leagues.  Quick lesson that I learned freshman year at the College of Fantasy Baseball at Charleston.  When choosing between random boring vet that could give you 25 homers (Juan Rivera) and upside, you always take a flyer on upside.

Mark Trumbo – See 1/8th of an inch above.

Juan Miranda – I have less faith in Miranda than the two above him, but he’s also guaranteed better playing time than those two.  If Ross returns and Belt isn’t hitting, he could lose his job.  When Kendry(s) returns, Trumbo could lose his job.  Whereas, the Diamondbacks said they want to see Miranda at first and backing him up is Russell Branyan.  With all due respect to Mrs. Branyan and son, Billy, and the whole Branyan family tree, Russell is not someone the Diamondbacks should turn to for any extended period of time.

Jordan Walden – I’m not you’re babe, Fernando… Even Fernando Rodney will admit that he was only the closer because he was scary looking.  He’s got Closer Face.  3 sentences, 2 Lady Gaga references.  I will now donate my testicles to science.  Could Walden be Neftali Feliz for 2011?  Could be, young Razzball reader.

Sean Burnett – While save vultures have trouble reproducing because they’re usually overweight guys who would prefer to listen to sports news than what the girl they’re dating is talking about.  “How do I look in this dress?”  “Very skinny, Sean Burnett.”   “Did you just call me, Sean Burnett?”  “No.”  Save vultures should be picking on Burnett’s carcass.

Brandon League – He’s getting the saves now.  What, you’re above grabbing a few saves while Aardsma’s out?  Well, ain’t you the meow’s cat.

David Aardsma – He should be back in two weeks.  Do your leagues not have DL spots?

Chris Narveson – I just wrote my Narveson fantasy.  If you read it backwards, it says, “Satan is a pygmy.”

Edwin Jackson – Just went over him this morning.  Scroll down.  Not with your eyes.  With your mouse.

Charlie Morton – Has now appeared in two straight Buy/Sells.  Still has a long way to go to break the record six straight weeks that I spent touting Luke Scott last year.

Aaron Harang – I was just thinking how Petco was where Dusty Baker threw Harang’s career off track three years ago during an indefensible relief outing.  Dusty, “Harang, I need four innings from you three days after your last start.  Muahahahahaha… Wait, did I just laugh maniacally out loud?  My bad.”  Harang should have the PA system at Petco play Redemption Song when he takes the mound.

Kyle Drabek – Slightly bonkers to me that Drabek is owned in 70% more ESPN leagues than Brandon Beachy.  I like Drabek, but I kinda don’t want any AL East pitchers, in general.

Brandon Beachy – Give me the password to your fantasy team and I’ll pick him up for you.

Chris Iannetta – Iannetta tweeted the other day, “In my fantasy league, even I own Kurt Suzuki.  #what’swrongwiththeworld?”

Russell Martin – Owned in only 37.5% of ESPN leagues, but I guess 40% of ESPN leagues are abandoned already, so that’s about right.

Alfonso Soriano – He hits in April then his knees get grammie.

Logan Morrison – I have a feeling this year Morrison is going to be one of those players that is very valuable in NL-Only leagues but floats on the top of waiver wires in mixed leagues.

Ben Francisco – More for those in deep mixed leagues because his ceiling is like the 7 1/2 floor in the Mertin Flemmer Building.

SELL

Michael Morse – Hey, you tried to go with the latest/greatest/superlative outfield flyer, but he looks lost.

Michael Cuddyer – Sticking with the newly established Michael theme, Cuddyer is owned in 98% of ESPN leagues, but Morrison is owned in 31%.  Okie-dokie.

Kurt Suzuki – He’s such garbage that garbage is filing a copyright infringement case against him.

Brian Roberts - Smoke a Newport, because Roberts is alive with pleasure!  He’s rejuvenated, he’s hitting for power, he’s stealing bases, he’s… Oh, c’mon, it’s not going to last.  He has a history of knee, hip and back problems.  That sounds like someone who will be sliding hard into 2nd on steal attempts and staying healthy?  Yeah, I don’t think so either.  I wouldn’t sell Roberts for a copy of Ring Magazine with Abdullah the Butcher on the cover, but I would explore options.