Fantasy Baseball Advice

After the top 20 outfielders for 2012 fantasy baseball, guess what we have here?  The top something-something’s? Cute, random italicized voice.  We have the top 40 outfielders for 2012 fantasy baseball.  That’s right, Wonderful just gave birth to Awesome.  Wanna hear something even awesomier?  I’m going to turn this to 60 then 80.  Hopefully I don’t blow my amp.  The hardest part about writing these 2012 fantasy baseball rankings posts is writing this opening.  Trying to make the clerical stuff sound less clerical, ya know?  So I just copied the openings from previous years where applicable.  As with other rankings, where I see tiers beginning and ending are mentioned along with my projections.  Anyway, here’s the top 40 outfielders for 2012 fantasy baseball:

21. Krispie Young – This tier started in the top 20 outfielders for 2012 fantasy baseball.  This tier goes from here until Kendrick.  I call this tier, “I’ll happily reach for one of these guys if I have to, in the non-sexual way.  Though it’s kinda sad this is the third tier of outfielders that I’m excited about.  Times is tough, yo.”  Krispie is another guy that I kinda wanted to move to another tier and he’s even pretty far below Stubbs (though it sure doesn’t seem that way in these rankings).  What Krispie has going for him that Beej and Stubbs don’t is 25-plus homer power.  He’s pretty seriously deficient in average though, and when I’m saying that compared to Stubbs and Upton, it’s saying something.  Grey said, “Something.”  See?  2012 Projections:  85/25/80/.235/25

22. Jason Heyward – This is probably the furthest I’m out on a limb with an outfielder.  He could be a worse pick than Markakis.  Last year Heyward hurt his shoulder, then Glass Chipper started questioning his manhood even though Chipper invented the oblique just so he could miss 40 games a year.  Heyward’s BABIP was obscenely low so he should hit at least 40 points higher without much effort.  Hitting for a better average with a healthier shoulder should help him build confidence, move him up in the order and hit for more power.  You could blend those variables together and you may end up with a wheatgrass/kale antioxidant health drink that is supposed to be good for you but just makes you want to vomit.  If at any point in the spring there’s news that his shoulder is still bothering him, I’ll drop him way down in the rankings.  2012 Projections:  80/22/90/.280/10

23. Howie Kendrick – I went over Kendrick’s projections in the top 20 2nd basemen for 2012 fantasy baseball.

24. Shin-Soo Choo – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Gordon.  I call this tier, “I could see myself missing out on these guys because others are believing them more than me.” Most ‘perts are looking at Choo’s 2011 as an aberration.  That wasn’t Soo Choo, that was Soju.  An Asian flush with bad luck.  So last year he had a .317 BABIP (off his career rate, but not really that terrible), a 1o.4% HR/FB (again, not hideous), a 10.1% walk rate (not bad) and a 21.8% K-rate (around his career rate).  He missed a bunch of games because of injury.  If he’s healthy, he’s back to the 17-20 homer, 17-20 steal guy.  Yay.  I don’t know; it’s all right.  I’m not excited to draft him.  2012 Projections:  80/17/85/.280/17

25. Carl Crawford – Last year, things started poorly and went from bad to Mad Libs in the cliche.  Slumps get into guys’ heads and if there isn’t a big girl around to have sex with that slump can last longer than anyone wants.  I’m willing to ignore last year.  Really, I am.  Then the wrist surgery this offseason.  Damn, that wrist got me pist.  Red Sox are reporting he should be ready for Opening Day.  I’m reporting he’s going to miss a month.  There’s a small silver lining.  His wrists aren’t his legs.  Hey, I should’ve gotten better than a C in Human Anatomy!  If he falls, I could see gambling on him, but it’s probably not going to happen if you follow my rankings.  2012 Projections:  75/10/70/.280/30

26. Alex Gordon – Here’s what I said at the end of last year for Gordon, “Gordon’s line this year was 101/23/87/.303/17.  Terrific!  Wonderful!  Tonderific!  But if you peek under the hood, things aren’t as they seem.  His BABIP is .358, easily a career high in the majors.  His walk rate and line drive rate dropped from last year, and his ground ball rate nudged up.  His homers and speed look about right, but if luck goes against him those two categories could get affected.  He’s probably much closer to a .280 hitter with 17-20 homers and 12-15 steals.  With just a tad bad luck, he becomes a fifteen homer guy with 10 steals and a .265 average.  That’s far from spectacular.  That’s spectaculess.  I just made that up; you like it?  You use it.”  And that’s me quoting me!  2012 Projections:  85/20/100/.280/12

27. Brett Gardner – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Rasmus.  I call this tier, “I’m targeting these guys for my teams.  They might all end up getting sleeper posts.  You’ve been forewarned.  (Bee tee dubya, the projections in this tier are a bit optimistic, but I’m sick of hiding my excitement.  Let me free-ball and show you my love!)”  I’m unabashedly a fan of Gardner, which makes very little sense if you’ve read this site for an extended period of time because usually I ignore SAGNOF’ers and just grab one later or off waivers.  To me, Gardner is underrated, which is odd because Yankees are usually overrated.  Gardner is just an enigma wrapped inside a riddle inside a fortune cookie that reads, “Person who sleeps with scratchy rear wakes with smelly finger.” 2012 Projections:  105/8/50/.280/50

28. Jayson Werth – Ponder this, guys and three girl readers, is Werth that different from Corey Hart?  Okay, stop pondering it, your eyes are crossing.  He’s not hitting 35+ homers again like he used to in Citizens Flank, but he should also be better than last year and the Nats offense is looking solid.  Yeah, I know how weird that sounds.  Don’t point out the obvious.  2012 Projections:  75/22/90/.265/15

29. Logan Morrison – His Isolated Power was .221.  Dan Uggla’s was .220.  Paul Konerko’s .217.  Jay Bruce’s .217.  Logan Morrison only hit 23 homers last year.  He missed almost 40 games last year because of injuries and his inability to put the cone of silence on his Twitter account.  He’ll only be 24 years old for the better part of 2012 and the Miami Marlins revamped their lineup by throwing some fabulous moolah around for a World Series ring.   2012 Projections:  60/25/75/.270/5

30. Michael Cuddyer – Went over Cuddyer’s projections in the top 20 2nd basemen for 2012 fantasy baseball.

31. Peter Bourjos – What does it mean that Bourjos is ranked this high?  It means we’re all screwed.  Sorry, don’t mean to yell fire in the theater of Razzball, but outfield is shallower than a conversation with a Kardashian.  I already went over my Bourjos 2012 fantasy.  I wrote it while refusing to eat at Subway because it reeks of onions.  2012 Projections: 85/15/50/.255/35

32. Alex Rios – I wrote an Alex Rios 2012 fantasy post.  It pained me to write that post and I hope you forgive me but I felt like it needed to be said.  Now please forget the apology if I’m right or forget that I wrote the post if I’m wrong.  Thanks, over-the-internet friend!  2012 Projections:  75/17/85/.270/22

33. Colby Rasmus – I’m out on serious limbs with some the players’ rankings in this tier.  Just when you thought I was totally out of my gourd with my Rios ranking, here’s Rasmus about 35 spots ahead of where I see some other ‘perts ranking him.  The key thing with drafting is you are drafting for the upcoming year, don’t try and put together a team that would’ve kicked serious booty while bagging last year’s doubloons.  That’s not going to win you something, but hopefully I just learned you something.  Hey, that sounds like a rhyme Pitbull would make.  Blah blah blah Kodak, blah blah blah Kodak.  2012 Projections:  85/22/70/.265/10

34. Corey Hart – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Ethier.  I call this tier, “I’ll reluctantly draft these guys, but I’d rather not.”  On first glance, Corey Hart’s season last year looks okay.  On second glance, his 2010 season of 31 homer, 7 steal 2010 and 2011 of 26/7 look remarkably similar — he simply had 15 less games last year.  On third glance, you see his fly ball rate plummeted and start to think his homer per fly ball rate is unsustainable.  On fourth glance, you start to wonder why you’re looking at Corey Hart’s numbers four times.  On fifth glance, there is no fifth glance.  On sixth glance, you think about how he may not break 75 runs or RBIs without Prince Fielder, fifty games of The Hebrew Herpes and the invariably injured Weeks.  On seventh glance, you accidentally hypnotize yourself and begin to cluck like a chicken in front of an audience of strangers.  2012 Projections:  75/24/70/.265/8

35. Nick Markakis – The last four years his homer totals have been 20, 18, 12, 15.  One of these years he may stand up and say he is Sparkakis, but until then I don’t care to gamble on a guy that is averaging 16 1/4 homers a year.  I mean, who ever even heard of quarter homers?  Those are singles, Nick.  Elevate the ball.  2012 Projections:  80/18/85/.295/10

36. Ben Zobrist – Went over Zobrist’s projections at the top 20 2nd basemen for 2012 fantasy baseball post.

37. Andre Ethier – This tier that I’m planning on missing makes an already shallow outfield that much more shallow.  I get that.  That’s why I named this tier, “I’ll reluctantly draft…”  I don’t like Ethier, but I can’t turn my nose up at dozens of guys this year.  I don’t buy into Ethier bouncing back to being a top 20 outfielder.  I say if you draft him, you’re going to get a top 30 outfielder at best.  That means he’s ranked near his ceiling.  Opportunity costs will probably have me looking elsewhere.  Hypothetical things that have no weight need to be weighed.  It’s all very scientific.  2012 Projections:  70/22/85/.295

38. Ryan Braun – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until here.  I call this tier, “Herpes or bust.”  Ryan Braun was either taking medication that he bought from a farmacia in Tijuana to suppress the cold sores he contracted from his Affliction t-shirts which triggered a positive drug test or he bought a performance-enhancing drug from that same Tijuana farmacia.  Your guess = my guess.  For further reading on the subject, check Google images for “Braun junk pictures” or read my Braun 2012 fantasy.  2012 Projections:  55/20/70/.280/12

39. Torii Hunter – This is a new tier.  This tier ends at Vernon Wells then starts again in the top 60 for 2012 fantasy baseball so I can sneak in the SAGNOF tier.  I call this tier, “Vets that I’m either lukewarm about or slightly more than lukewarm about.  Read the temperature gauge.”  The guys in this tier are mostly okay, unless you draft your team then get in a DeLorean and play out your fantasy league in 2004.  Then they’re awesome!  Maybe one of the guys in this tier has a Lance Berkman 2011 year.  There always seems to be one, but don’t say you know which guy it is — someone might be listening.  If I had to bet on a surprising year from one vet, I’d go with Torii Hunter.  Lineup’s going to be the best he’s had in a while and he can lamp in the outfield.  Will he definitely surprise like that doode from Community coming out with one of the best albums of 2011?  Nah, but the Torii Hunter gambino won’t cost you much.  2012 Projections:  80/24/90/.270/7

40. Vernon Wells – Cause crazy talk isn’t just something that I reserve for Alex Rios, I also wrote a Vernon Wells sleeper post.  No, there will be no sleeper post about Todd Helton, but that’s funny and sarcastic.  You’re a double threat!  2012 Projections:  75/25/85/.260/8

40 1/16. Michael Bourn – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until the end of this post.  I call this tier, “SAGNOF!”  I just throw all these schmohawk steals guys in the same tier, because, well, frankly, interjection, they’re the same shizz.  Bourn gets you nothing but steals.  If you think that’s a smart way to build a team, I got a Lorenzo Cain, Michael Brantley or yadda³ off waivers that says you should follow the SAGNOF theorem of evolution that says these guys ain’t got no face.  Double negatives being damned, and all.  2012 Projections:  90/2/40/.280/50

40 1/8. Emilio Bonifacio – I went over Bonifacio’s projections in the top 20 shortstops for 2012 fantasy baseball.

40 1/4. Coco Crisp – Coco Crisp could be a cheap Brett Gardner.  Yes, I’m being cereal.  2012 Projections:  65/7/50/.260/35

40 what/fraction-is-this? Nyjer Morgan – Or should I say Tony Plush?  I could see a scenario where Morgan gets confused by not seeing Fielder and Braun and steals two bases in one inning for two different teams.  Sorta like a Joel Youngblood move, only crazier.  2012 Projections:  65/3/30/.270/27

40 3/4. Juan Pierre – Doesn’t have a team yet, but if he gets an everyday job then he’ll give you the usual.  If you don’t know what Juan Pierre gives you fantasy-wise, I have a copper-plated zinc portrait of Lincoln to sell you for $19.99.  2012 Projections:  85/1/40/.285/30

40 7/8. Rajai Davis – Doesn’t have a starting job right now, but didn’t last year and stole 34 bases.  Nothing like a basestealer that has a walk rate under 5%.  Rajai, you can’t steal first base, but you can throw your elbow into a pitch or two.  Keep that in mind.  2012 Projections:  40/1/20/.260/30

With the top 40 outfielders, we’ve finished all the hitter recaps.  We meaning me, but I’ll include you.  No, that’s not a cue to try to hold my hand.  Why are you now patting my butt?  (Here’s all the final 2011 fantasy baseball rankings.  They’re also to your left… your other left.  And down.)  The pitching recap will begin next.  To recap, the end of the season rankings are based on ESPN’s Player Rater.  I felt the easiest way to keep it objective would to go this course.  This way when I say someone finished 30th and I ranked them 23rd in the preseason it carries more weight.  Does this mean I think ESPN’s Player Rater is perfect?  No.  It’s just an objective third party to see how well my preseason rankings did.  Anyway, here’s the top 40 outfielders for 2011 fantasy baseball and how they compare to where I originally ranked them:

21. Brett Gardner – Truth be told, I was raised a Yankee fan.  Don’t think it affects me for fantasy because the Yankees are usually one of the last teams I watch when there’s a full slate of games.  I just don’t like their announcers.  And I could really care less about their players unless I have one of them on my fantasy teams.  I mention this because Gardner is about the only Yankee I tend to like for fantasy more than other ‘perts.  He just seems so underappreciated.  No, he’s not going to hit 20 homers any time soon, but he gives you SAGNOF without totally killing you elsewhere.  Preseason Rank #22, 2011 Projections:  105/7/55/.270/45, Final Numbers:  87/7/36/.259/49

22. Jay Bruce – I talk about how accurate my projections are in blurbs below, so I won’t say it here besides saying I’m not saying it while saying it.  You can go ahead and put Bruce, McCutchen and Stanton in a pile of players that I’m crazy sexy excited about for next year.  Preseason Rank #25, 2011 Projections:  85/32/100/.270/7, Final Numbers: 84/32/97/.256/8

23. Adam Jones – In the preseason, I said something like I’m being optimistic with my Adam Jones projections, but I like him and I think he’s about to break out in the non-acne way.  And that’s me paraphrasing me!  Preseason Rank #44, 2011 Projections:  85/25/95/.295/12, Final Numbers: 68/25/83/.280/12

24. Carlos Beltran – Is it me or do my projections seem really accurate this year?  I’m like butter with the ER.  Preseason Rank #36, 2011 Projections:  75/20/85/.270/10, Final Numbers: 78/22/84/.300/4

25. Shane Victorino – It’s always sad for me to see a player I’ve liked for a while hit the point where I think his value is going to start declining.  2011 might be the last season of a valuable Flying Hawaiian, poi.  Preseason Rank #20, 2011 Projections:  90/12/65/.285/32, Final Numbers:  95/17/61/.279/19

26. Ichiro Suzuki – Now this schmohawk is definitely on the decline.  Take a half second off a guy’s legs who beats the ball into the ground and you get Ichiro’s 2011.  Preseason Rank #15, 2011 Projections:  85/5/40/.320/32, Final Numbers: 80/5/47/.272/40

27. Mike Stanton – As said in a previous recap, I really don’t want to talk too much about 2012 in these recaps.  Feel it defeats the purpose of what I’m trying to do, but can 2012 happen already just so I can see Stanton take the next step?  We’re talking 40+ homers and 10+ steals.  I love Mike Stanton.  Preseason Rank #26, 2011 Projections:  70/32/80/.250/7, Final Numbers:  79/34/87/.262/5

28. Drew Stubbs – As I said the other day with B.J. Upton about low average biases, Stubbs seems to fall into that grouping.  Can hit 15 to 20 homers and steal 30 to 40 bases, but that seems to go out the metaphorical window when he hits .240.  Preseason Rank #30, 2011 Projections:  95/18/65/.260/32, Final Numbers:  92/15/44/.243/40

29. Cameron Maybin – This guy scares me.  Not in the “Holy crapballs, why is there a cat jumping out a closet with creepy music playing?” way.  He scares me because I touted Maybin for a few years and he kept disappointing, then when I finally ignored him, he did well.  Maybe I should pretend to ignore Dexter Fowler next year.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers: 82/9/40/.264/40

30. Howie Kendrick – Went over him in the top 20 1st basemen for 2011 fantasy baseball.

31. Corey Hart – I ranked him 31st overall in the preseason and he came in 31st at the end of the year.  How about a boo-ya with a side order of boo-ya?  And to drink I’d like a shot of boo-ya with a boo-ya back!  Yeah, that’s kinda boo-ya B.S. because I told you in the preseason to not draft Hart.  Though I wasn’t completely off because he was overrated coming off a career year.  So maybe a small boo-ya.  Preseason Rank #31, 2011 Projections:  70/21/80/.260/10, Final Numbers: 80/26/63/.285/7

32. Matt Holliday – Didn’t see it coming in the preseason, but I think we’ve seen the last of Holliday’s huge production years.  He gets these niggling injuries and just doesn’t have big-time power or speed.  Preseason Rank #3, 2011 Projections:  95/27/105/.310/10, Final Numbers:  83/22/75/.296/2

33. Nelson Cruz – I’ll contest (as I’m about to do) that Cruz is actually way more valuable than 33rd overall because when he gets injured he goes down for extended periods of time and you can fill him in while getting more stats from someone else.  Preseason Rank #11, 2011 Projections:  70/27/90/.285/15, Final Numbers: 64/29/87/.263/9

34. Michael Cuddyer – Went over him in the top 20 1st basemen for 2011 fantasy baseball.

35. Nick Markakis – He’s become a guy that gives nothing special but a little bit of everything.  Versatile but boring.  Kinda like brown slacks.  I will now call him Markhakis.  Preseason Rank #45, 2011 Projections:  85/17/80/.305/10, Final Numbers:  72/15/73/.284/12

36. Matt Joyce – As valuable as Joyce was, and he was valuable when you consider where he was drafted, he was really just a 1st half player.  You kinda could’ve done better elsewhere in the 2nd half…. Okay, I wrote that then looked at his month-to-month stats and Joyce wasn’t exactly a 1st half guy as much as he was a Mr. May.  Sounds like he was swinging Dave Winfield’s shtick.  Preseason Rank #82, 2011 Projections:  40/17/55/.250/4, Final Numbers:  69/19/75/.277/13

37. Johnny Damon – On one hand, it’s weird that I didn’t rank Damon in the preseason.  On the other hand, I ranked Joyce and hoped Damon would get pushed to the bench with Sean-Rod and/or Brignac pushing Zobrist to the outfield.  On the third lesser known hand that is actually a glove on a soda can, it’s Johnny Damon so maybe I didn’t rank him because I just figured he’d be rank.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers: 79/16/73/.261/19

38. Mark Trumbo – Went over him in the top 20 1st basemen for 2011 fantasy baseball.

39. Krispie Young – I think January Grey might’ve been sniffing glue when he ranked Krispie 13th overall for outfielders last preseason.  January Grey, “It was a dark time.”  Preseason Rank #13, 2011 Projections:  75/25/85/.240/25, Final Numbers:  89/20/71/.236/22

40. Juan Pierre – Ha!  He was a top 40 outfielder?  Oh, c’mon.  Sure, he doubled his projected home run total, but he could’ve quadrupled it and it would still be miserable.  He was unownable for huge stretches of the season.  2 homers and 27 steals?  Seriously, c’mon.  I mean, c’mon c’mon.  C’mon!  I would’ve preferred healthy stretches of Shin-Soo and a waiver wire add to Juan “2 homer” Pierre.  Preseason Rank #40 1/8, 2011 Projections:  85/1/35/.300/50, Final Numbers:  80/2/50/.279/27

Jhoulys Chacin was walking more yesterday than my grandfather on a treadmill behind a hot number (his words).  Yo-leash’s line 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners (6 walks), 7 Ks.  Am I worried that Chacin isn’t going to have a sub-3 ERA all year?  Yeah, of course, I’m worried.  What, am I delusional?  Am I wearing wearing a pirate costume and dictating my blog posts to homeless people behind a Consumer Value Store?  No, of course, I’m not.  I’m behind a Walgreens.  I do not wish to talk about Chacin’s eventual regression.  Yes, I am not using contractions to show how serious I am.  I own Yo-leash all over the place and…Ugh.  We might be at his peak value.  This is sorta like when I told you to sell Matt Joyce a week before he started washing his hands in the urinal and peeing in the sink.  I don’t think Chacin will completely collapse but he’s more of a 3.50-3.75 ERA pitcher.  Trust me, I wish he were going to be this good all year too.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Seth Smith – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs as The Lisper’s Nightmare hit his 7th and 8th home runs.  He’s fine for a fifth outfielder in a deep league, but, man, owning him is the fantasy baseball equivalent to watching paint dry.  Rub Wiggy’s head and get crazy hot for a week once in a while, would ya?

Madison Bumgarner – 1/3 IP, 8 ER.  Eight scored so fast on this Bum even Ron Jeremy was amazed.

Eli Whiteside – 2-for-3 with his 2nd home run.  In honor of the homer, Katz’s Deli is giving thirty cents off every stuffed derma purchase.

Alexi Casilla – 2-for-5 with his 2nd home run in as many games after hitting one home run in his previous 400+ at-bats.  Give Jose Bautista back his bat!

Chad Billingsley – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Part of me thinks he pitched well so you put him back in your lineup for his next start only to have him crush your hopes again.

Zack Greinke – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 10 Ks.  Member after his last start I said run out and buy him?  Can you still?  Rhetorical!

Jonathan Lucroy – 3-for-4 after hitting a home run on Monday.  Ebb and flow of the season and it looks like he might be flowing again.

Wily Mo Pena – 1-for-4 with a home run.  Short term power add.  Or in leagues that count Pedro Serrano lookalikes.

Krispie Young – Hit his 15th home run yesterday.  Haven’t talked much about Krispie this year, but he’s having another solid year.  15 homers, 8 steals and, even more encouraging, his average is up to .253.  You’d take that from Krispie and like it.

Mike Moustakas – 0-for-4, average down to .219.  Hosmer went 0-for-4, average down to .276.  They’re rookies, ya’ll.  Sometimes you get lightning, sometimes you get cloudy with a chance of crapballs.

Paul Konerko – 2-for-3 with his fifth homer in five games to bring his season total up to 21.  He blew my expectations for him out of the water about a month ago and now he’s riding a magical dolphin around in the sky and beating up those expectations with its fin.

Carlos Pena – Now has homers in back-to-back games.  Will homer at least three more times in the next week.  You can put it on the boooooooard–Sorry, wrong side of Chicago.

Brett Wallace – 0 for his last 16, hasn’t hit over .300 in two months.  Maybe the Astros can trade him back to the Jays…Or A’s…Or Cards.

Michael Young – 3-for-5 with his 4th home run.  Hey, maybe his power might come around, but I think he’s still gonna top out around 12 homers and his name carries more value.

Brandon League – Gave up a few unearned runs and then was hit by a comebacker and limped out of the game.  David Pauley, which sounds like a made up name, was then called on to close it out.  He didn’t do so well, but he has recently been solid.  Oh, who am I kidding?  This is a mess if League’s not closing games.  You can grab Pauley or Jamey Wright or Jamey Pauley, but only in the deepest of leagues where you really need saves.

Doug Fister – 8 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks.  I think he’s been in Smokey’s weekend 2 start pitcher post like 8 weeks in a row.

Roger Bernadina – 1-for-3 as he got to Fister in the two hole.

Brian Roberts – Won’t be back until after the All-Star Game.  Can backdate that news to 2008.

Cory Luebke – Will join the Padres rotation.  Luebke has a 9+ K-rate in middle relief, but I imagine that’ll come down to around a 7+ in the rotation.  Still totally usable if nowhere else except in Petco.  Wonder Twin powers in the form of…a Hodgepadre!

David Ortiz – 0-for-5 with a steal.  How’d he get a 89 foot lead off of first?

J.J. Hardy – 2-for-5 with his 9th home run.  Not sure if he gave the signal, but he’s unleashing hell, Maximus.

Javier Vazquez – 5 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 10 hits, 4 Ks.  No earned runs, but he’s still fooling no one.  I mean, he’s doing that age-old trick where you pull your thumb apart and five-year-olds are rolling their eyes at him.

Ervin Santana – 5 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks and pulled after 76 pitches as the Sciosciapath decided to start managing his NL-style-baseball-that-is-usually-kept-at-bay-in-the-AL.  Can imagine what a nightmare he’d be if he managed in the NL.  He’d double switch every inning and run out of pitchers by the 7th.  “NL’s where it’s at, hooooo-mees!”  That’s Scioscia talking through his auto-tune app.

James McDonald – 4 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners, 3 Ks, now has an ERA of 4.86 and a WHIP of 1.62.  I’ve seen peg boys put together better stretches.

Mike Minor – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks.  After the game, Minor’s bags were sent to the, um, minors.

Jonny Venters – Pitched a random insignficant inning yesterday.  Not for nothing, which is my mom’s favorite expression, the Braves are ruining Venters’s arm.  Every time Venters enters a game, Scott Proctor shudders.

Jason Bay – 3-for-3 with a home run and he just missed a 2nd one.  I don’t think he’s suddenly rediscovered 2009, but he looked locked in yesterday.  Worth a quick flyer to see if he can stay hot for a week or so.

Dillon Gee – 4 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners (6 walks), 1 K.  Prior to this start, Gee looked like he was composed almost entirely of phat, but yesterday Gee looked like butter without the ‘er.’  Here’s a proper visual aid.  The preceding sentence was for our one reader in India.  Hey, Bhishma!

Justin Smoak has back-to-back days with home runs and back-to-back-to-back games with a home run.  Say that fast 117 times!  Where there’s Smoak, there’s fire!  See what I did there?!  Did you see?!  Yeah, of course you did, it was pretty obvious.  Smoak seems to be the hot schmotato of the moment.  (Hot schmotato hasn’t made its official way yet into the glossary.  Just taking it out for a test drive, seeing how it feels.  It does have that new Razzball glossary word smell.)  If you’re currently rocking a corner infidel that doesn’t excite you or your nipples, grab Smoak.  Kid’s got talent and might just be coming into his own.  The lost Smoak monster is found!  (BTW, he was a preseason sleeper.  Wink, wink, nudge, nudge, bassoon.)  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Erik Bedard – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks.  When he’s healthy, he’s usually pretty a’ight, so, sure, I’d grab him.  As Fonzie’s horse would say, what the hey!

Yovani Gallardo – 5 IP, 6 ER, 13 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Fudge!  Only I didn’t say fudge, I said the mother of all curse words.

Mark Teixeira – Left the game with a shoulder injury.  Joe Girardi said it wasn’t serious.  Then again, Joe Girardi wears braces.  We’re supposed to believe this guy?  Does Joe Girardi own Te(i)x on his fantasy team?  Well?

Phil Hughes – His arm went through five more hours of testing.  Hopefully his arm gets into its school of choice.

Bartolo Colon – 8 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks. You should pick him up (for someone else’s team after stealing their password).

Eduardo Sanchez – 1 IP, 2 ER with the save.  This is your brain.  This is your brain trying to figure out who La Russa is gonna use to close games.  But whatever cuz Eduardo looked like Retardo Montalban and promptly gave up some runs.  The closing job is cursed!  I’d grab Boggs, Sanchez, Franklin (recorded no outs and gave up 2 runs in this game) or Motte.  Really in any order, and hope you choose right because this closerousel is off the hinges and the horses are going up down all willy-nilly and shizz with no leather straps.

Brett Wallace – 11 for his last 17.  Another hot schmotato.  (It’s starting to feel a bit more comfortable.)  Hitting .524 in the last week.  Yeah, go ahead and grab him.

Roy Oswalt – Left the Phillies due to personal reasons.  A source close to the situation says Oswalt was playing Halladay in Words With Friends and Halladay played “djin” on a triple word and Oswalt threw his cellphone in the garbage and left.

Tommy Hanson – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks.  Hommy Tanson!

Chipper Jones – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs.  Glass Chipper has the 2nd most RBIs in the major leagues.  In other news, RBIs are stupid.

Mat Latos – 5 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks and 5 unearned runs for the agita-filled ticker shock.

Jeff Francoeur – 2-for-4 with his fifth Freedom Fly.  For Frenchy, this might be as good as it baguettes, but go with him while it’s good.

Jim Thome – The Founding Father of Country Strong is day-to-day with a slight oblique strain.  More time to chop wood and chew tobacco.

Delmon Young – Headed to the DL with ribcage soreness.  Maybe Mauer coughed on his ribs.

Francisco Liriano – 3 IP, 7 ER.  If anyone wants to join me when I go to Hubert H. Homerfree Retrodome to throw a brown bag filled with crap at Liriano, more the merrier.

Tyson Ross – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Maybe I just want some Oakland A’s pitching action because it seems like they all can pitch, but I like Ross.  More in deep leagues than your run-of-the-mill variety, but still.

Carl Crawford – 0-for-4, hitting .156.  His start of the season reminds me of that terrific quote from Lawrence Taylor.  “My life is in the toilet and no one is flushing.”

Ryan Howard – Hit his 4th home run to keep pace with Shane Victorino, who hit his 4th homer earlier in the game.

Domonic Brown – Homered in his first rehab game.  I see your surgically-repaired hamate bone and I raise you a whole lot of talent.

Krispie Young – Hit two Krispie flies.  Not entirely sure why he’s leading off since walking for him is a feat.  Pun point!

Will Venable – 2 steals to bring his total to 8 while he hits .183.  I know what’s going on here, Venable’s trying to get his face on the SAGNOF t-shirt.

Alexi Ogando – When asked if Ogando would stay in the rotation when Hunter, Webb or Feldman returns, Ron Washington said, “I’m not taking him out of the rotation if he continues to pitch like this.  I’m not going to rob Peter to pay Paul.  Paul has to earn his pay.   Ogando is Peter and those guys are Paul.”  Doesn’t that sound like something Jules would say in Pulp Fiction?  Think we know what Washington’s wallet says.

Madison Bumgarner – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Sonavabench!  I’ve figured out what it takes for one of my starters to pitch well.  I have to bench them.  Works like a charm.  A charm that is infected with typhoid fever and gives you the shakes.  A charm, nevertheless.

James McDonald – 6 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Or I can just drop them.  That works too.

Jose Tabata – 1-for-4, now batting .267.  Member when him, The Dread Pirate and Neil Walker were all batting .350+?  I liked that.  Can we go back to that?

Roger Bernadina – 2-for-2 but didn’t start.  Might want to cover your ears for a second… LET HIM PLAY, NATS!  YOU IDIOTS!

Casey Blake – Out for a month with gray-haired, old man brittle bones.  “I have gray-haired, old man brittle bones!  Watch me creak!”  That’s what Blake said.

Jonathan Broxton – Didn’t appear in the game because his elbow was a little tender.  Or al dente, if you will.

Vicente Padilla – Recorded his first save.  The over/under for Padilla saves is 7.  I’m taking the under.  I highly doubt he gets more than 4 after Kuo returns.  In deep leagues or those leagues where you’re bonkers desperate for saves, by all means.

Andre Ethier – 2-for-5 with his third homer as he pushes his hitting streak to 24 games.  Los Angeles hasn’t seen a streak like this since Mike Piazza frosted his hair.

The other day we went over the top 20 third basemen for 2011 fantasy baseball for our 2011 fantasy baseball rankings.  Today, we turn our bejeweled eyeglasses to the top 20 outfielders for 2011 fantasy baseball.  The top twenty outfielders will need to go to a top 40 then a top 60 then a top 80.  Unfortunately, outfield is pretty shallow.  Guess outfielders come in waves… much like sperm whales.  Oofa!  What I found overall from ranking the outfielders is that speed’s back like the 1980s when half the league was on coke.  So, when appropriate, I tried to rank power outfielders ahead of ones whose value came from speed.  More on that in the post.  As always, these top 20 outfielders are broken up into tiers with my projections.  Anyway, here’s the top 20 outfielders for 2011 fantasy baseball:

1. Ryan Braun – See the top 10 for 2011 fantasy baseball for Ryan Braun’s 2011 projections.

2. Matt Kemp – See the top 20 for 2011 fantasy baseball for Matt Kemp’s 2011 projections.

3. Matt Holliday – See the top 20 for 2011 fantasy baseball for Matt Holliday’s 2011 projections.

4. Carl Crawford – See the top 20 for 2011 fantasy baseball post for Carl Crawford’s 2011 projections.

5. Carlos Gonzalez – See the top 20 for 2011 fantasy baseball for Carlos Gonzalez’s 2011 projections.  There’s also a post coming later today all about CarGo.  You can hardly wait.  No, you!

6. Josh Hamilton – See the top 20 for 2011 fantasy baseball for Josh Hamilton’s 2011 projections.

7. Justin Upton – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here to McCutchen.  I call this tier, “These guys will all be in the top 20 overall next year.”  Yeah, Upton’s washed up at the age of 23.  Good thing you sold that Apple stock a week before the iPod was announced, too.  If you can get Upton at a cheap price because of a sub-par 2010, by all means.  Everything is going to come together at some point and Upton is going to be a top ten draft pick one of these years.  2011 Projections:  85/26/95/.270/20

8. Jason Heyward – He’s going to give you what you used to get from Jayson Werth.  Can the sophomore slump kill him?  Yeah, I suppose, but why do you always have to bring up the negative?  His OBP last year at the age of 21 was .393.  That’s not a guy I think falls flat on his face.  For Heyward, I’d go all in, check raising to the bettor.  This might be the last time he makes it out of the 2nd round of any drafts for ten years.  2011 Projections:  100/25/105/.285/12

9. Andrew McCutchen – I can’t remember the last time I was this caca-cuckoo for so many Pirate hitters.  The Dread Pirate isn’t a poor man’s Carl Crawford.  The Dread Pirate is Carl Crawford.  Wrap your peanut around that and crack it.  2011 Projections:  100/18/60/.290/38

10. Hunter Pence – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Krispie.  I call this tier, “I’m trying to get some power in the outfield but it’s not as easy as it looks.” There’s actually caveats already in this tier, which is scary.  There’s only nine outfielders I feel comfortable about?  And a few of them didn’t even have great 2010 seasons.  Trouble T-Roy reminiscences over a deep outfield.  Pence doesn’t have huge power upside.  That’s his caveat.  The offense surrounding him sucks on the suckhole.  Okay, that’s another caveat.  He feels safer than others though because of his last three years and how consistent they’ve been.  2011 Projections:  90/25/90/.290/15

11. Nelson Cruz – Everyone knows Nelson’s caveat.  Their singing is terrible.  Wait, wrong Nelson.  Cruz’s caveat is he can’t stay healthy.  Cruz could probably hit 40 homers and steal 20 bases if he could stay healthy.  That “if” has its own solar system.  2011 Projections:  70/27/90/.285/15

12. Shin-Soo Choo – I really can’t believe these guys are going to end up as someone’s first outfielder in a five outfielder league.  There’s gonna need to be a lot of shuffling with guys on and off waivers.  So, say, you choo-choo-choose Choo, his caveat is he’s not going to overwhelm you in any category.  Nice solid five category guy without extreme speed or power.  2011 Projections:  95/20/100/.300/20

13. Krispie Young – His caveat is he could hit .230.  Like no foolin’.  Of course he’s one of the few actual 30/30 threats in the major leagues too, so you take the good and take the bad and you know the deal, Tootie.  2011 Projections:  75/25/85/.240/25

14.  Jayson Werth – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Bautista.  I call this tier, “The one tier I’m not going after in the top 20 outfielders.”  Now keep in mind, when I say I’m not going after someone I’ll still draft them.  They just need to fall far in the draft.  Actually, that’s not true of Ichiro.  I would never draft him.  After Werth signed with the Nats, I went over what you should expect.  The link is somewhere in the previous sentence.  See if you can scope it.  2011 Projections:  75/25/85/.270/12

15. Ichiro Suzuki – If you don’t know I don’t like Ichiro, I want to welcome you to Razzball.  Pat yourself on the back for your web surfing abilities.  2011 Projections:  85/5/40/.320/32

16. Alex Rios – It’s not that I don’t like Rios.  I could see him being the one player in this tier that falls far enough where I might end up with him and that’s what worries me cause I know he’s going to screw me over whether I own him or not and this is the world’s longest run-on sentence, yo, comma, holla!  2011 Projections:  85/17/80/.270/20

17. Andre Ethier – Not a fan, homes.  His name value far exceeds his real value.  25 homers is nice and all, but he gives you no speed at all and his runs and RBIs are obviously tied to his team.  If you were to offer me Luke Scott seventeen rounds later, I’d say yes and get virtually the same player.  2011 Projections:  80/25/90/.295/3

18. Jose Bautista – I already went over Bautista’s projections in the top 20 third basemen for 2011 fantasy baseball post.

19. B.J. Upton – This is a new tier.  This tier goes into the top 40 outfielders.  I call this tier, “Back into guys I like, but they’re going to give you more speed than power.”  Upt0n’s one of the few players I could envision being a top five overall fantasy contributor.  Never underestimate someone who can hit 20 homers and steal 40 bases.  2011 Projections:  95/17/75/.250/40

20. Shane Victorino – Victorino hit 18 homers last year and stole 34 bases and he’s falling in drafts.  And I kinda understand it.  The 18 homers broke through his ceiling, spackled over the ceiling hole then broke back through it saying, “18 homers?!”  It was high.  Fortunately, his average of .259 last year was actually a bit low for him.  At some point, age or injuries will catch up to him but until then I’d bet on another 12/30 season.  Could Angel Pagan also do that?  Sure, but he hasn’t done it every year since 2007.  2011 Projections:  90/12/65/.285/32