Fantasy Baseball Advice

Sorry, but I’m going to open the vent for a millisecond.  Let’s go back to Stupid May Grey.  I was a point or two in front in one of my leagues, had a solid outfield of Adam Dunn, Carlos Quentin/Beltran and Rasmus.  I was within striking distance in steals and the news just came out that Jose Reyes would miss a few days, but avoid the DL.  I traded Dunn and Theriot for Reyes.  THE NEWS LIED!!!  I’ve filled in with Beckham for Theriot so no great loss there, but my outfield’s been shambles since — currently rocking Luke Scott, Fukudome, Teahan and the corpse of Carlos Quentin.  This is all thanks to Jose Reyes.  I know, this is the world’s smallest violin eating a burrito with a side of tears.  BTW, Jose Reyes is probably out for the season.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Luis Castillo – Injured himself walking into the Mets cemetery dugout.

Nelson Cruz – Was injured on the final play of the game on Monday.  Choose your own fantasy baseball report… One report says he’s day-to-two-days away from action.  Another report says he’s a day-to-two-days away from a 15 day vacation.

Bobby Jenks – To the hospital to have kidney stones removed.  Be cool if they removed a pet rock.  Thornton, Linebrink or Dotel, in that order, will probably fill-in for him.

Ryan Zimmerman – Day-to-day with a sore shoulder.  He should massage it with some coriander, cumin and a brine solution, Guy Fieri says that’ll cure any shoulder.

Geovany Soto – Due back today or tomorrow.  Oh, dubya-E-hockey sticks, guess The Jakie Foxx Experiment™ behind the plate isn’t happening.  A ‘pert can dream.

Vladimir Guerrero – If you saw him yesterday on crutches, that’s because he was activated from the DL.  The three stages of Vlad:  Wheelchair – DL, crutches – DH, pronounced limp – playing outfield.

Scott Baker – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 Ks.  He’s been terrific in his last four starts. As terrific as this commercial?  No, but close.  (If you can watch that commercial less than 10 times, you have more willpower than me.

Yusmeiro Petit – 8 IP, 1 Hit, 4 Ks, if it wasn’t for Ronny Cedeno, he would’ve had a no-hitter.  See, those trades are already playing off.  Petit gets the Nationals next time out.  Must… stop… myself… from… picking…. him… up.

Ryan Roberts – 4-for-5, 2 HRs yesterday and a movie star name from the 1950s.  He has sneaky 10/10 potential, but probably not worth it outside of NL-Only leagues.

Krispie Young – HR yesterday, which was also his first hit in the last 7 games.  I miss you, Krispie.  Get well soon.

Garrett Jones – 0-for-4, Where’d you go, friend?  Is this about me putting you in the Sell category two weeks ago?  I’m sorry.  Come back, friend.

Brian Matusz – 5 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Great debut, and he’ll be a great one as the Mariners root for him to do much better than Tillman.  I’d still look to move Matusz.  His (the Orioles’) schedule in September is terrible and he’s still a rookie who’s prone to big ups and downs.

Jarrod Washburn – 5 1/3 IP, 6 ER, the same day he appeared in my FIP post.  Who’d a thunk it?  Well, I guess me kinda.

Dan Uggla – 1-for-1 with 4 walks.  Without looking it up, I’m going to say that’s a personal record.  And the Nats only gave up 2 other walks in the game.  Not really sure what any of that means, but I found it fascinating.  Oh my God, I’m turning into Jayson Stark.

Jason Hammel – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER.  A 2.67 Away ERA.  Even away games that you think you shouldn’t start Hammel in, he pitches well.  (Besides, of course, his Metco disaster last week.)

Jonathan Sanchez – 7 IP, 0 ER.  They might not all be as gravy as this start, but I’d own him in all leagues at this point as it’s hard to argue with 107 Ks in 102 1/3IP.

Gordon Beckham – HR yesterday.  Batting over .400 in his past 7 games.  Entrenched in the 2 hole.  Give me your password and I’ll pick him up for you.

Derek Holland – 4 1/3 IP, 3 ER.  Ah, the tale of the rookie pitcher is told again.

Rajai Davis – Since he has full-time duty, he’s hitting over .400.  Yesterday, he stole 2 bases.  SAGNOF!

Will Venable – HR yesterday.  Get a load of Will.  He’s vying for Garrett Jones’s spot in the roundups.

Yovani Gallardo – 5 1/3 IP, 9 ER.  Ouch… Wait, what?  Ow.

Evan Longoria – 2 HRs yesterday.  As David Wright impersonates Chone Figgins and Mark Reynolds impersonates a toasted sandwich bearing an image of Babe Ruth, Longoria will still be my top 3rd baseman next year barring unforeseen injuries, though I would like to see him steal a bit more.

B.J. Upton – 1-for-5, 4 Ks as he was dropped to 7th in the order.  Just get to 12/45 and you’ve done your job.

Johnny Cueto – 5 2/3 IP, 5 ER.  I sat him yesterday.  Yay! (<–sarcasm)  I hate having pitchers I can’t start ever.  I might be dropping Cueto in a 16 team league, and, trust me, when I drop someone in a 16 team league, there is no one to pick up.  Dustin Nippert anyone?

Tom Gorzelanny – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER.  That’s nice.  I wouldn’t pick him up with your team.

Albert Pujols – 2 HRs, 5 RBIs.  Maybe he’s feeling Mini-Donkey breathing down his neck.

Joel Pineiro – 5 IP, 7 ER.  April came and went and you chalked Pineiro’s hot start up to a fluke.  May came and went and you figured any day now Pineiro would breakdown.  June came and you thought maybe April and May were real.  July flew past and you had it, enough was enough, you had to pick him up.  I mean, his next start was against the Mets, for deity sakes.  It was the most elaborate Punk’d ever.  And he got you.

The only thing more strained than Raul Ibanez’s patience for skeptics is his left groin as the Phillies placed him on the 15 day DL.  You don’t own Ibanez for his wheels so this isn’t as troubling as Jose Reyes with a bad hammy or Willy Taveras with an allergy to getting on base.  Stick him on the DL and hopefully he comes back in 15 days with an unstrained groin.  As for his Philly replacement John Mayberry Jr, think Rickie Sexson.  Lots of power but huge holes in his swing.  He might jack a few HRs before the league figures him out but we’d only recommend him for NL-only leagues and the power-desperate in deep mixed leagues.  Anyway, here’s what else we saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Tommy Hanson – 6 IP, 0 ER.  With only two Ks vs. the Reds, it’s not as encouraging as it could be.  But I don’t believe we’re going to see the real Tommy Hanson this year anyway.  Not to say he won’t be good, just keep expectations in check.

Nate McLouth – HR yesterday and 4 RBIs.  Hopefully this big game can endear him to Braves fans enough so he gets his own racist chant.  I vote for swigging motions with Chumbawamba playing.

Jason Frasor – On today’s episode of As The Bullpen Turns, Frasor got the win in the 8th, Ryan started the ninth and Accardo finished it for the save.  After the game, Cito Gaston said, “Fantasy baseball players should consider themselves lucky I didn’t bring in Dirk Hayhurst to face one batter in the 9th.”  So what to make of the B.J. Frasordo closerousel… I’d pick up Frasor, Ryan then Accardo, in that order.  Frasor came into a pressure situation in the 8th.  There wouldn’t have been a save if not for him.  So there was no reason to save him for the ninth.  Ryan came in to start the ninth, but was a bit shaky.  Accardo was a fresh arm and got the save.

Jayson Werth – Hit his 10th homer on Tuesday, on Wednesday his 11th and yesterday he hit his… 12th!  C’mon, these are gimmes.

Adam Lind – Hit his 2nd homer of the Philly series as the flat-footed DH played outfield to get his bat in the lineup.  I wonder if anyone asked for his autograph in Philly by yelling, “Hey, Burrell!”

Ryan Madson – Gave up the winning run in the ninth.  In about a week, we’ll be able to do a find/replace with Lidge’s name.

Nick Blackburn – 9 IP, 1 ER.  I will see you, Mr. Blackburn, in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell.

Joe Mauer – Went 3-for-4 playing shortstop and wearing a Brendan Harris jersey.

Gavin Floyd – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners and 2 Ks.  Strong start since he was struggling away from home.

Alexei Ramirez – Back-to-back games with a home run.  4 of 7 homers now in interleague.  Alexei likey when no one knows to throw him breaking pitches.

Derrek Lee – Hit his 8th homer yesterday.  Now batting around .335 for May/June combined.  Still nary a steal on the season.  You done drafted Lyle Overbay!

Geovany Soto – HR and steal yesterday (4th and 1st respectively).  Even if he gets to 15 homers this year, he’s still worth shopping around to see if he can bring in a better piece at a different position.

Carlos Gonzalez – HR yesterday.  Hasn’t shown much since his call-up and he’s not even playing regularly, but that could change as Rox start to get traded.

Craig Stammen – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER.  Of course he blanked the Yanks.  In 9 games in Triple-A, he had a 7.33 ERA. Zoinks!

Ricky Nolasco – Probably sonavabenches across the board for Nolasco as he threw a one-hitter against the Sawx yesterday.  Before you start spraying the silly string that Nolasco’s back, it was a rain-shortened five inning game.

Ronnie Paulino - For those out there that change catchers like they should change their underwear, Paulino’s hot with 3 homers in two games.

Chris Davis – Hit his 13th homer yesterday as he went 1-for-4.  It’s bad when a 1-for-4 raises your average.  He now has 97 Ks on season.  Dave Kingman just shuddered.

Jose Valverde – Picked up the save.  Hawkins is now safe to drop.  Not during a trust exercise though, that wouldn’t be nice.

Luke Hochevar - 4 IP, 6 ER.  Hope he didn’t get you with the ol’ throw-a-great-game-then-a-terrible-game trick.

Krispie Young – 4-for-4, with a steal.  Unfortunately, he left the game with a leg injury.  I would’ve thought he sold his soul for more than one 4 hit game.  God knows Zobrist did.

Chad Qualls – 1 IP, 2 ER.  Final score, ARI 12, KC 5.  Kazaam!

Mark Reynolds – 12 runs and 16 hits for the Diamondbacks.  Reynolds went 0-for-6.  Ticker Tease!

Brandon Morrow – 4 IP, 2 ER, 6 Ks.  Last game he only went 3 innings.  Time before that he went 2 and a third innings.  Hello, five starts from now when he throws a complete game.

Franklin Gutierrez – 2 HRs for The Big FraGu!  Though still not worth anything outside of AL-Only leagues.

Adrian Gonzalez – 4-for-4, with a homer.  Someone didn’t get the memo about pitching around him.

Chris Young – After saying he would go to the DL, then saying he wouldn’t, it now looks like Young will hit the DL.  He takes as long to go to the DL as he does going home on a pitch.

Magglio Ordonez – Benched indefinitely by Leyland.  Are his teammates calling him Rey?  Maybe he caught BHD (Bobby Higginson Disease)…

Mel Hall – Received 45 years of prison time for out-perving former Yankee teammate, Luis Polonia.  Our hope is that ESPN doesn’t greenlight the early 90s sequel to The Bronx Is Burning.