Chris Johnson and Justin Upton made a nice Diamondcomeback last night. To welcome them back, everyone in attendance received a visiting team home run ball. Upton and Johnson went a combined 7-for-9, 3 runs, 5 RBIs with two homers as they both came a triple short of the cycle. Their trade to Atlanta for infielder Martin Prado and four prospects was a trade that Kevin Towers said was done because his team needed a facelift. That facelift looks about as good as Bruce Jenner’s, and right now Justin Upton is Ray J having sex with Kris, Kourtney, Khloe and Kim while making some wack-ass rap video about it. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Roy Halladay makes every hitter look like Babe Ruth right after he burped. (Burping was the key to his success; I watched a documentary.) Roy’s gotta hit the Disgraceful List, doesn’t he? I mean, it’s in everyone’s best interest at this point. Watching him is like seeing Carol Channing before someone told her to use a mirror to apply makeup. “How’d I get this lipstick on my ears? Maybe a dab of mascara on the ol’ chin!” You should’ve heard me saying that line like Carol Channing in my head. It’s just real sloppy out there right now for Roy. If he’s not hurt, his fantasy owners may find him in a dark alley and change that. If he is hurt, stop taking one for the team, you gamer you. “I’m a gamer. I grind like I’m old school, Jodeci, going riding roughshod over fantasy ratios…Horatio…Alger, in reverse.” That’s Roy doing beat poetry. At this point, I’d bench him against most teams until he starts piecing together something less craptastic. You might, unfortunately, have the reincarnation of 2012 Lincecum. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
I’m currently watching Freaks and Geeks (thanks, Instant Streaming!) for the first time. At this point, I bring a lot of baggage to the show. It was hard for me to watch the first couple of episodes without putting more attention to Seth Rogen and if he’d be skinny by episode three. Or if the mother of an eighteen-year-old on the new season of Mad Men, Linda Cardellini, would have an affair with Biff Tannen by episode five? Would James Franco sing a song with Anne Hathaway? Why was Brandon Belt hanging out with the geeks (Samm Levine looks just like Belt)? Eventually, I got lost in the show, and then just started to dread that there were only 18 episodes. I got to thinking — I think, y’all!Please, blog, may I have some more?
Yesterday, Krispie Young had a double side of slam and an order of legs. Sorry, I’m hungry. And Krispie’s making me hungrier! Krispie creams the balls and my eyes glaze. Hungry for what, Grey? Shut up, Random Italicized Voice. Outside of China, Krispie flies could only mean one thing — someone’s hot or stealing Salty’s signs. Why do I feel like my cholesterol is going up just writing this? You know, I’ve never had my cholesterol checked. I’d go if the cholesterol checking doctor gave out a stick of butter like dentists give Dum-Dum lollipops. You think anyone knows what the Mystery Dum-Dum flavor is? I mean, anyone at all or is it just some leftover guck from the lollipop machines that happens to fall on a stick? The thing is, and there is a thing, young prematurely balding man, when Krispie gets hot he could hit ten homers and steal ten bases in the matter of two weeks. If you don’t like that sorta thing, you got high standards. Me? I’m wearing sweatpants for the last 230 days straight and picking up Young. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Carlos Ruiz set to return from his suspension next week for testing positive for the ADHD drug, Adderall. He had this to say, “I look forward to getting back on the field–Hey, you ever wax your legs? I don’t mean remove the hair, I mean step into one of those vats of wax they have at carnivals that people put their hands in. It’s really cool! I have a rainbow wax leg! Like I was saying, I foolishly took a drug that is meant for people with ADHD– You think the Fonz can pound the wall to make my iPhone turn on? I dropped it into the toilet. You know, I wish butterflies and cows had babies cause I like butter on my steak. Ruth’s Chris does it right! Adderall is a very serious drug, and it should not be abused– When’s The Voice on? Monday? Is it Monday yet? Now? Now? Now?” So, Ruiz was wrong for taking Adderall as he obviously isn’t afflicted with ADHD. Last year in 114 games, he hit 16 homers and .325 with 4 steals. As of right now, he’s owned in less than 5% of leagues. If you’re struggling at catcher, it’s worth taking a flyer on him now. Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
You, “Hey, look at that, I’m in a crazy/stupid/gooftarded deep league and everyone in this league that I’m talking to myself about is well-versed in this fantasy baseball shizz because they are also in this crazy/stupid/gooftarded deep league yet they forgot to draft Matt Holliday. Cool!” Yeah, that’s not going to happen. If you’re drafting from guys in the top 100 outfielders for 2013 fantasy baseball, your league is deep and you know you’re not going to get much from these guys. Potatoes to chips, most of these guys will be worth owning at some point in the season. In keepers and single league, uh, leagues, most should be owned from the jump, if ‘from the jump’ means what I think it does when kids say it. Now get off my lawn! Here’s all of the 2013 fantasy baseball rankings. If you’re joining us late, here’s the top 20 outfielders, top 40 outfielders, top 60 outfielders and top 80 outfielders. Anyway, here’s the top 100 outfielders for 2013 fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
You remember when I started these top twenty 2013 fantasy baseball rankings. We were over-the-internet friends still. Then we had that disagreement about where I ranked Matt Kemp and I said I’m sorry, and you called me a stupid, what-and-what. We were younger then, with our whole month of January in front of us. Now, here we are at the top 80 outfielders for 2013 fantasy baseball and there’s only one more hitter post ranking to come, unless you count the DH’s, but DH’ing is for sissies and guys nicknamed after animals. All of the rankings are under the 2013 fantasy baseball rankings thing-a-ma-whosie. If you’d like, I can list each one of them again. Maybe soon. After you apologize for saying mean things about my Cougar, who I proposed to yesterday. Sorry, four girl readers, I’m off the market for at least the next 47 months, according to the National Council of Family Values. Anyway, here’s the top 80 outfielders for 2013 fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
The Tigers playoffs hopes just took a shot in the lower extremities. Now if they get to the playoffs, they’ll have to pitch Verlander 4 times in a 5 game series with Miggy pitching the other game. That’s not our concern though, is it?Please, blog, may I have some more?
The Pirates and Cardinals played a marathon game yesterday. 19 innings that saw 47 lineup changes, 16 different pitchers and 12,000 fans at Busch Stadium leaving simply because the beer cutoff was in the 7th inning. ”This is baseball sober? Damn, I’d prefer a third divorce.” Tim Kurkjian’s voice is cracking at the sheer craziness of the game. Can you believe this game, fellas?!Please, blog, may I have some more?
A few days ago Zack Greinke hinted that he liked the Angels organization, and praise them, Anaheim made it happen, pulling off perhaps what will be the biggest trade of the season. They acquired the Greinkster for three prospects: shortstop Jean Segura and pitchers Johnny Hellweg and Ariel Pena.Please, blog, may I have some more?