Fantasy Baseball Advice

This year in the minors Domonic Brown had a line of 62/19/64/.323/14 and .385/.580/.965.  Let’s recap, whoa/wow/nice/yum-yum/don’t mind if I do and yowsers/that’s lovely/yowsersthat’slovely.  To break that down for the people who skimmed the first two sentences, he has 20/20 potential with plate discipline.  It’s the fantasy baseball equivalent to:  “I don’t think this glazed donut can get any better.”  “How about we sprinkle bacon on it?”  Drool.  By my estimation (and Keith Law’s), he’s the number one prospect in the minors.  (Desmond Jennings is a close 2nd in my book that was rejected by Simon & Schuster.)  Either Werth will be shown the door or Philly fans will kidnap Raul Ibanez and toss him blindfolded into the newly-constructed Octagon in Citizens Flank’s parking lot.  Is Domonic Brown more trouble than he’s Werth?  No, I don’t think so.  Unless we’re talking about spelling his name.  I’d grab Brown in 12 team mixed leagues or deeper.  In keepers, you should own him already.  If you don’t, then now might be a good time.  Or now.  Or now.  Or… You get the point.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

Psyche!  Before we head into the post, just wanted to say the Commenter and Razzball league standings were updated.  Anyway II, onto the Buy/Sell:

BUY

Alex Gordon – Is this the Alex Gordon that was called up three years ago after tearing up the minors only to flame out?  Or is this the Alex Gordon that is called up today that just got done ripping up the minors that will finally fulfill his promise?  I don’t know.  He crushed the minors this year — in 277 ABs, 14 homers, 8 steals, .310 average, .451 OBP and a 1.018 OPS.  He can be a 20+ homer, 15 steal guy over the course of a full season if he doesn’t get in his own way and the Royals give him every day ABs.  I would take a flyer on him for your corner infidel spot for the chance he finally makes good on the promise.  If you’ve heard this story before about Gordon, it’s because you probably have, so don’t drop anyone too valuable.

Chris Johnson -  He’s hitting right now and he has some power potential.  Plus, if he fails you, you can say, “Chris Johnson meet P. Johnson,” while urinating on your computer screen that’s showing your fantasy team.

Yunel Escobar – Hopefully the hand injury he sustained the other day doesn’t get in the way of the revenge he’s currently seeking on the entire Braves organization.

Starlin Castro – In one league, I’m rocking Luis Castillo in my middle infield.  I don’t tell you this because I think you should pickup Castillo or for pity.  I want sympathy!  Castro started off as a hero to millions then he left all his believers scavenging for scraps.  That commie bastard!  Now he’s hitting and stealing bases.

Neil Walker – I’m pretty lukewarm on Walker.  He looks like Coghlan at MI, which is all right.  At least right now, he’s Coghlan when Coghlan’s hitting.

Asdrubal Cabrera – I’d prefer to take an As-Cab to a Walker.

Scott Sizemore – He’s baaack!  And doing nothing like when he left. Who knew a meth’d out Tom Sizemore would be the most reliable Sizemore this year?  I’d grab Scotty for the chance he can make good on his promise.  (He promised me 14/16 in the preseason.  He’s lied thus far.)

Ty Wigginton – His ownership numbers are trending down but that’s wrong, I tell ya.  Guy gets streaky like your acid wash jeans from the 80s.  Unlike the jeans, you don’t have to deny ever owning him.

Jason Bartlett – Welcome back to 103.5 MI-ROQ, where it’s middle infielders all day and night!  Bassoon, tire screech, crazy cackling, triangle, cow bell, more cow bell and one last ding.  Don’t fahgettaBartlett!

Matt Diaz – Dye-As murders lefties, which is similar to being a lefty killer.  Play him against his strong side, sit vs. weak side.  Rinse, repeat.

Drew Stubbs – At 13/18 with a .245 average, he’s having a season that a young Krispie Young would’ve admired.

Juan Rivera -  I’ll be honest, some of these guys are hard to get excited about.  Juan Rivera’s one of those guys.  Wait, who was I talking about?  See!

Jack Cust – If you don’t know what Cust gives you, go back three places and read Matthew Berry.

Luke Scott -  Hard to recommend Scott too highly.  He’s currently hitting and he could get you some homers, but he might not play every day.  It’s like masturbating to The Golden Girls.  It’ll get the job done, but why not switch the channel?

Jordan Zimmermann – I went over J-Z in, like, the last three Buys.  Scroll around the site, will be good for pageviews.

Travis Wood – There could be some ups and downs for Wood.  Oofa!  Thank you, don’t forget to tip your waitresses.  He gets the Astros today.  Giddy up, Wood.  That’s what she said!

Pedro Alvarez – I just went over my Alvarez fantasy.  Click through, it’ll save you time because we both know how busy you are.

J.J. Putz – SAGNOF!

Matt Thornton -  See 1/8th of an inch above.

Sergio Santos – Nothing comes between me and my Sergio Santos.  Except maybe Putz and Thornton.  I’d grab them, in the order I’ve listed them.

Chris Perez – We have to assume Wood will take over when he returns.  But Perez could have the closer job for the rest of the season if Wood is traded.  But II, Making A But Out Of Nothing At All:  Even if Wood returns, he’s far from secure.

SELL

Mike Leake – Even Dusty can’t continue to throw Leake as he flies past a reasonable innings limit.  Dusty’ll put him in Harang’s uniform then send him back to the mound.

Kris Medlen – I love me some Medlen.  We practically grew up together.  Or maybe it was just that I owned him in a few fantasy leagues for a few months.  Neverthehoo!  Medlen’s having his innings limited, it’s hard to own that, unfortunately.

Phil Hughes – The Yankees have limited Hughes to 4 starts in the past month and will probably keep him close to the same workload moving forward.  It’s Hughes Rules… Skip him for a start then let him throw a mediocre 5 inning game.

Josh Beckett – Right after he goes against the hapless M’s tonight, you write something like this on your league messageboard, “Now that Beckett is doing great, I have an excess of starters that I want to trade.  Will trade everyone but Beckett because I really believe him… Unless someone makes a good offer.”  Then you take any offer you get for Beckett.  That’s ygolohcysp, baby!

Andre Ethier had a June line of 9/3/12/.195… In 2008. June gloom? Perhaps. In 2009, he had a May as atrocious. So he can come out of this funk. In the last three years, Ethier has hit 30 points better in the 2nd half. Then again, could it be the pinkie that’s giving Ethier issues? Sure, but how long can a flippin’ pinkie hold him back? Take it easy on the shadow puppets and give your pinkie a rest, doode. Besides, this isn’t the first time Andre Ethier’s had to battle his pinkie demons. So he should get better? Yup. Like a dwarf standing in line, I smell a but. Yeah, random italicized voice, there’s a but. But he gives you no steals and his power is limited. His HRs per AB for the last three years is almost identical from the 1st half to the 2nd half. Around one homer every 25 ABs, so you’re looking at 40/12/50/.300/2 in the 2nd half. It’s nice, but Brennan Boesch just did that in the 1st half. Oh, and maybe the pinkie is bothering him. Ethier’s name value is a lot more valuable than his stats. This does not mean sell Ethier for an unopened Blossom: Season 2 DVD, but I’d entertain offers if there’s people in your league that think Ethier’s due for a huge bounce back. Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Clint Barmes – Has some power and very light speed. Will usually hurt you on average, but is currently hitting near-.400 in the last week. And just think if you own DeWitt and Barmes, you can dedicate your fantasy season to John Ritter.

Felipe Lopez – When you drafted Utley in the 1st round, you never thought you’d be thinking about swimming up the Fe-Lopezian in July, huh?

Mike Aviles – We’ll call this the “I Just Lost Pedroia, Utley and Tulo” Buy/Sell edition. Between Barmes, Felipe and Aviles (or Barfmes), you have a terrible average-okay power guy, a light on everything guy and an empty average guy, respectively. Just think, if you play your Barfmes exactly right, you can get everything Pedroia, Utley and Tulo were giving you. But probably not.

Matt LaPorta – Just went over him. Scroll down or click. The choice is yours, Black Sheep.

Chris Johnson – Before altering all of your Big Johnson t-shirts, I’d note that he has a terrible walk to strikeout rate. For right now, he’s more of an NL-Only add.

Dexter Fowler – This season Dexter is going to kill it! I’m hoping if I keep saying that it will come true while also reminding me to rent the first season of that serial killer show.

Roger Bernadina – Doesn’t he sound like a real estate agent whose picture would be on a bus bench? I’m Roger Bernadina and I can be a cheap source of a 10/20 season. Now who wants to be a homeowner?

Wilson Betemit – For how long can the Royals bench their hottest hitter? Not rhetorical. Before you answer, consider that they played Alex Gordon when he wasn’t hitting and now refuse to promote him when he is hitting. Also consider they never promoted Kila Ka’aihue when he was hitting or gave him a fair shake when they did promote him.

Milton Bradley – What are you worried about? Him throwing off your fantasy chemistry? Sure, in person Milton Bradley is unsafe for Ages 2+, but you’re not going to dinner with him. Go ahead and add this Golden Glove outfielder for power and some light speed.

Alfredo Simon – Mike Gonzalez should be owned, but that doesn’t mean he’s going to be the closer as soon as he walks off the big ol’ jet airliner. A) Gonzalez has a habit of losing closing gigs. B) He’s a lefty. C) He needs to get some innings under his belt in the majors before closing. D) There’s no D. E) Why would there be an E if there was no D?

Kris Medlen – In the May 7th Buy/Sell, I told you to get Medlen. He’s now at 11% owned in ESPN. Don’t everyone jump on the bandwagon at once.

Tom Gorzelanny – 65 Ks in 63 IP. I shouldn’t have to say more. Though by me saying I shouldn’t have to say more is technically me saying more. And me saying I shouldn’t have to say more is technically me saying more is me saying even more. And me saying– Well, you get the picture.

SELL

Paul Konerko – He’s now 34-years-old and has 20 homers while batting .295. Hasn’t hit over 31 homers or as high as .295 since 2006. I’m not saying to sell him for fifty cents on the dollar but for 2010 you’ve already got three-quarters of Konerko’s production. It’s time to cash in.

Ian Kennedy – You guys had a nice run. Member that time you and him and… Yeah, good times! The Diamondbacks are starting to skip him and he’s not a good enough bet going forward for you to be patient. I’m looking elsewhere.

Pablo Sandoval – Aw… But he’s so cute! He’s fat and a panda and you just can’t hate on that. In the preseason, I warned people that Sandoval is not a power hitter no matter his size. He’s similar to Billy Butler in that respect. (BTW, for All-Star Weekend, Billy Butler and Pablo Sandoval in a wet t-shirt contest. Who’s with me?! No one? Oh, well.) Sandoval can hit for more average than your average panda, but I wouldn’t be surprised to only see 15 homers from him this year. Otherwise known as what Rolen had through June 21st. Sandoval will still have some value this year, but he’s a prime example of someone who has more name value than actual value.

Carlos Beltran – Can he run? Can he hit major league pitching again? Can he stop looking so much like Rickie from My So Called Life, it’s really distracting. Lots of questions attached to Beltran. You know what else is attached to him? Is he wearing Michael Jackson’s jacket? No, random italicized voice. That picture is really distracting. I know. Hype and name value is attached to Beltran. If you think you’re getting a guy who is going to give you a prime career year packed into three months, you’re dreaming. I wouldn’t trade Beltran for a six pack of skunked beer, but I’d listen to offers.

On May 23rd, Jason Heyward was scratched with a sore thumb.  Seems harmless, right?  As they say in Norway, “A-ha!  (Best group ever.)”  Turns out he has a strained ligament in his thumb and is headed to the DL.  Member when I said I dropped him about a month or so ago?  In your face fantasy baseball gods!  (It was a shallow, no bench league, stop judging me for dropping Heyward.  I can feel your stares.)  Since May 23rd, Heyward has a line of 16/2/12/.210/2.  If my math is right, that’s not a good month.  No wonder he dodged the Strasburg bullet train last night.  He’s scurred, Mystikal.  Okay, I do really like Heyward, but this thumb injury could linger until the offseason.  Not a great sign.  He may not revisit his mollywhopping, pony stick ways until into The One-One.  For those doing a bid in redraft leagues, DL him if you can and hope the rest helps his sucky thumb.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Tim Hudson – 7 IP, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Has a poor xFIP, a terrible K-rate and a meh walk rate.  It’s not a trick, it’s an illusion!

Kris Medlen – Braves announced that Medlen will stay in the rotation after Jar-Jar returns because any other move would’ve been maddenin’.

Stephen Strasburg – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Rest assured, Beckett Sports Card Monthly still plans on running its Strasburg cover for 16 consecutive months, ESPN will still work Strasburg into every baseball highlight and Strasburg, Virginia will continue to sell bumper stickers that read, “Virginia is for Strasburgers.”

Chase Utley – Will have an MRI on his hand today after hurting it on his slide into 2nd.  They might want to MRI his hip while he’s in there.  If you own Utley, this would be a good time to start praying to your Philly Phanatic bobblehead.

Raul Ibanez – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer.  He’s been flatlining so long I didn’t think Bacon and Kiefer could’ve brought him back.  Maybe he has a pulse after all.  We shall see.  Or not.  Your choice.

Johnny Cueto – 8 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 0 Ks vs. the Phils.  Sonavabench!  How did he not strikeout anyone and hold the Phillies to 1 run?  Cueto, we were friends and now I feel like I don’t know you at all.

Scott Rolen – 1-for-3 with his 17th homer.  Should be a fun throwback Homer Derby at the All-Star Game with Rolen, Konerko and Wells.  When Berman says back-back-back, he might be talking about a back injury.

Aaron Heilman – Two errors led to Heilman blowing the save without giving up a hit or a walk.  Qualls was seen mumbling in the bullpen, “I’m not crazy, the closer role is cursed, I tell ya!  Cursed!”

Adam LaRoche – Hit his 12th homer yesterday.  It’s not quite the 2nd half yet, but no reason to tell LaRoche.

Chris Carpenter – 7 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Didn’t look like himself last night after being hit on the forearm by a comebacker.  He stayed in the game, so it obviously wasn’t that bad, but it’s worth monitoring.

Carlos Quentin – Another day, another homer and another day at the office after a two month vacation.

Travis Snider – Continues to pull a Kotchman and now isn’t expected back until after the All-Star break.

Joel Zumaya – Out with a severe arm injury.  His season might be in question.  Leyland said, “That’s an awesome bad feeling to see something like that.”  Did Tigers management tell him they’re trying to appeal to a younger generation and he needs to use “hip” words?  Did he lose a bet and have to use awesome in every sentence?  Or did someone pack his Marlboros with weed?

Francisco Liriano – 6 IP, 6 ER, 11 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Awesome!

Miguel Olivo – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 11th homer as he bats .303 on the year.  So the Wieters draft pick isn’t looking that good.

Hong-Chih Kuo – Got the save yesterday and could get another today as Broxton gets two days off after pitching four of the last five days.  That’s one way to manage the bullpen.  Another way would’ve been to just not bring Broxton in for the last four non-save opportunities.

Chad Billingsley – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks in his return from the DL.  6 innings, 98 pitches, a few runs, a few walks, some hits… Yup, Bills is back.

Michael Bourn – 4-for-6 and a home run.  Someone test his urine!

Jose Tabata – 1-for-4 with his 3rd steal in the last five games and 5 steals in 17 games.  Gotta love a guy that knows how he gives fantasy value.

Neil Walker – Probably going to the DL with a concussion, unless he’s hardheaded.

Mike Aviles – 3-for-4 and that’s exactly what Aviles do.  Not a flashy 3-for-4, but a 3-for-4 neverthehoo!

Jason Bay – 2-for-4 with 2 homers.  Now if the Mets bring in the fences 100 feet to mimic the bandbox Puerto Rican stadium, Bay will be in good shape.

Ricky Nolasco – 7 IP, 3 ER, 4 Hits, 0 Walks, 9 Ks.  Hey, look who it is, ’08 Nolasco.  Hey, ’08 Nolasco, say hello to your mother for me.

Kerry Wood – 1 IP, 0 ER with 2 Ks for the save.  Right after the last out, the Indians emailed the entire league. Subject:  Wood.  Body of the email:  He’s heating up!!!  Better make your offers soon!!!  No offer too small… Seriously, no offer.

Victor Martinez – Will go on the DL as the Red Sox call up Gustavo Molina.  No relation, but it brings up an interesting idea.  I wonder if I changed my name to Grey Molina if the Astros would be interested.

In case you were on a three day bender with Michael Madsen, Troy Tulowitzki will miss up to 8 weeks with a broken wrist.  It’s old news by now, but sometimes you just wanna know what Grey has to say.  Hey, hey, hey.  Wrists are tricky things for hitters.  I wouldn’t be surprised if Tulo returns in August and doesn’t start hitting well until September.  If you own him, there’s nothing you can do but sit on him.  Not literally, unless you have his permission.  I wouldn’t trade for him, unless it’s a keeper and you’re rebuilding for next year and can get him for cheap now that he’s out.  The Rockies called up Chris Nelson, but he just looks like infielder depth while SS and 2nd base get manned by Clint Barmes and Jonathan Herrera, who sounds like a fashion designer, so if you hear someone say, “Nice glove work by Jonathan Herrera!”  You tell them it’s a knockoff.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Manny Corpas – 0 IP, 5 ER.  Corpas Christi!  The last two days this guy left my ratios looking like a Port Authority toilet.  Huston Street gets activated on Tuesday, but Tracy says he’s going to ease Street back into role.  Since I own Corpas and not Street on several teams, I’m not sure if I want Street to become the closer sooner or later.  Also, for Street owners, if Tracy doesn’t get Street back into the role in short order, he may end up injured again before recording a save.  Cust kayin’.

Mike Stanton – 1-for-4 with a steal and 2 Ks.  Has 19 Ks in 11 games while batting .233.  He will be every bit the mollywhopping, pony stick waving phenom that he was billed, but there is obviously going to be some strikeout/average growing pains, Mike Seaver.

Gaby Sanchez – 2-for-4, hitting .320 over the last week and .290 on the year.  He’s walking that line between yawnstipating in mixed leagues and a very valuable NL-Only corner man.

Josh Johnson – 8 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Now has an ERA of 1.80.  If it wasn’t for Ubaldo’s silly season thus far, all eyes would be on Josh Johnson.  He has a lower WHIP and FIP than Ubaldo and a higher K/9.  Yes, I’m doing my best to point out Johnson has been better than Ubaldo.  Too bad only Keith Law will vote for him.

Hanley Ramirez – Sat out due to a sore hamstring.  Or as they call it in the Marlins’ clubhouse, “An excuse to not hustle.”

Jake Arrieta – 3 IP, 5 ER, 8 baserunners, 0 Ks as he roofied his owners.

Kris Medlen – It’s looking promising for Medlen to stay in the rotation and Kawakami to move to the bullpen.  Booyakami!

Carl Pavano – 9 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 2 Ks as he beat Roy Halladay (8 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners, 8 Ks)  In related news, water is dry.

Chase Utley – 6 for his last 14 with a homer and 7 RBIs since he denied that his knee was bothering him as Davey Lopes said.  The charge that his knee was hurting him may have sparked him to prove the naysayers nay.  Here’s how I think it went down.  Manuel knew that if a coach said Utley had a knee injury, Utley’s pomade would get all bent out of shape and start hitting, so Lopes jumped on the grenade.  Either that or Lopes is a jackoff.

Matt Holliday – 2 homers and four in his last 3 games.  When I saw his recent outburst, the first thing I did was look to see when he started hitting last year.  It was around mid-July.  So you drafted him in the 2nd round this year and he didn’t start hitting for another three weeks last year.  Seems like you owe Holliday an apology.

Kevin Kouzmanoff – 4-for-4 with his 7th homer.  Another Billy Beane success story!  Too bad he’s surrounded by Ryan Sweeney, Daric “Don’t Call Me Clara” Barton, Adam “Don’t Call Me Adam Rosales” Rosales and Landon “Not Quite As Good As Landon from the RR/RW Challenge” Powell.

Jason Bourgeois – Was called up by the Astros.  Not a fresh name at 28-years-old, but Bourgeois has the means of production to steal bases like a pig.  But he may not get the at-bats to do it yet since he’ll have to fill-in and work many jobs as the utility outfielder.  How proletariat of him.

Jason Castro – Was also called up by the Astros.  Yesterday, Ed Wade’s toupee said, “You know what this club is missing?  More Jasons!”  Seems like Castro is being rushed.  In Triple-A, he had a .278 average and 4 homers since May 1st.  In other words, we’re probably a year away from renaming the club, the Houston Castros.  In keeper NL-Only leagues, I could see sitting on him if you’re not getting any catcher production, since Castro will be the starter.  Oh, and now that Castro and Bourgeois are called up the same day, Pence may have to put his last name in a kitty to be divided up equally.

Chris Johnson – Finally, the most interesting name of the recent fresh-faced Astros.  Since May 8th when he was activated from the DL, he hit .329 with 8 homers.  He’ll supplant Peter Happy for the majority of the playing time at 3rd base, but not all of it yet.  I’d wait and see in mixed leagues, but in NL-Only leagues I’d grab him and hope he blows Happy’s production out of the water and becomes the every day starter.

Felipe Paulino – 6 IP, 2 ER, 12 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Only two walks, which is nice, but he’s so unpredictable it makes it hard to recommend him in mixed leagues.  For NL-Only, he’s a difference maker type guy.

Brett Anderson – He’s due back after the All-Star break, if there’s no setbacks.  That “if” has its own zip code.

Carlos Zambrano – 7 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Now has back-to-back solid starts after Piniella tried to self-sabotage his team with the failed bullpen experiment.  If Big Z’s on your waivers, I’d give him a shot in certain 12 team mixed leagues and deeper.

Brian Fuentes – 2/3 IP, 3 ER.  Kazaam!

Justin Masterson – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks.  He gets the Reds next.  My crystal ball says he’ll strikeout 10 and only give up 1 earned run…. Or he’ll give up 8 earned and be removed in the 3rd inning.  I should’ve sprung for the crystal ball that narrows choices down to one.

Carlos Santana – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer.  Buster Posey who?

Pedro Alvarez – 0-for-3 and batting .063 so far.  Pedro Alvarez who?  Really early to be writing him off, I’d give him another week in mixed leagues.  If you can, give him the week on your bench.  To the bench, Smashbuckler!

J.J. Putz – Picked up the save due to Jenks feeling jenky and Matt Thornton pitching in the 8th.  Guillen said Jenks will be fine, but you can grab Putz (hehe) or Thornton, if you’re really hurting for saves.

Billy Wagner – Got his 14th save.  I usually don’t mention closers unless they’re losing their job, but Wagner’s looking like a $12 Salad.  In 29 1/3 innings, 5-0/1.23/0.99/43.  Pretty incredible year so far.

Jonathan Sanchez – 2 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks as he tied his owners to the WHIPping post.  Hopefully, he straightens himself out quickly because I own him in every league.  Yes, this is about me.

Aubrey Huff – Hit his 12th homer.  Meanwhile, Pat Burrell hit his 3rd.  I’m sure this is not the first time they hit four-baggers on the same day.

John Maine – Looks like the Mets will shut him down.  Too bad, so sad.

Max Scherzer – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Now three starts away from his last shelling, and 5 of 6 solid starts since he returned.  Right now, he looks about as safe as he’s going to look.

Rick Porcello – Sent to Triple-A Toledo as the Tigers hope for a repeat of their Scherzer demotion magic.  If they can fix whatever ails Porcello, pitchers from all over may take a pilgrimage to bathe in that holy Toledo water.

Julio Borbon – 4-for-5 from the leadoff spot.  That is all.  Literally.  No steals.  I do think the training wheels come off him and he starts taking some extra bases.

Josh Hamilton – 5-for-6, now batting .337 on the year with 16 homers.  Man, I stepped in a big pile of juju with this guy.  Let me now apologize for ragging on you, Hamilton, for the last two years.  Maybe we can go get an O’Doul’s some time.  My treat.

Ian Kinsler – 2-for-4 and two steals before Davey Lopes can say anything about his ankle.

Alex Rodriguez – Him and Posada will probably miss a few games this week with no DH at the Yankees’ disposal.  How awesome would it be if Kevin Russo shows up at the LA game with Kate Hudson on his arm?

Mark Teixeira – 1-for-3, 4 RBIs with a homer in his 2nd game in a row.  Looks like Tex called up his July talent a week early and will risk losing it to arbitration a year early.

The 27-year-old, no-name rookie, Daniel Nava, came out of nowhere, hitting a grand slam on the first major league pitch he saw.  This all came after not making his college team, working as their equipment manager, finally playing college ball, going undrafted in the major league draft then being cut by the Chico Outlaws, which I believe is the minor league affiliate for Chico’s Bail Bonds.  Even his ESPN player photo makes it seem like he was in the Witness Protection Program.  Shoot, maybe he is.  If so, I hope Hermida starts his car for him.  Eventually, Nava caught on with the Outlaws, impressed the Sawx and the rest is history.  Nava is old for a rookie and his success at the majors may be short-lived, but he showed a good eye in the minors with modest pop.  He could be a flash-in-the-pan, but he’s worth grabbing in AL-Only leagues and monitoring in mixed leagues.  He may get bumped when Ellsbury returns and then it’s back to egg noodles and ketchup.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Josh Beckett – Played catch from 90 feet.  Guess when he returns he’s going to pitch from 2nd base.

Stephen Strasburg – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners (5 BBs), 8 Ks.  Gave up only 2 hits, one of them was him getting Pronk’d in the 2nd inning.  As I’ve been saying, his hype is over his value right now.  On a related note, I wonder what the Nats TV ratings look like when Strasburg leaves the game.  Probably a similar ratings plunge to when LC left The Hills.  Who are you, Kristin Cavallari?  I know Heidi Montag.  I know Brody Jenner.  I even know Justin Bobby.  I do not know, Kristin Cavallari.

Austin Jackson – Left the game with back spasms.  Could be a few days of no action Jackson.

Troy Tulowitzki – Out with a strained groin.  Or as they call in the Tulo household, a strained pipski.  Could be back by Tuesday.

Edinson Volquez – Barring any setbacks or an effective test for HGH, Volquez should be back just after the All-Star Break.  Definitely worth stashing if you have DL room.

Zack Greinke – 9 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 12 Ks and zero opportunities for the Royals bullpen to screw things up.

Joey Votto – 2-for-4 with 2 homers.  Now has 13 homers and 7 steals while batting .306.  Having exactly the kind of season you’d want from him and he hasn’t even had any prolonged hot streaks.  He’s going to be a good one for a long time.

Billy Butler – 4-for-5 with his 6th homer.  Or 3 homers per moob.

Garrett Jones – 2-for-4 and his 2nd homer in two games.  In the preseason, I told you to skip Butler and grab Robot Jones later on.  Right now, Robot has 10 homers and 5 steals while batting .274.  Since Butler couldn’t steal 5 bases in a slow pitch softball league, Jones has been more valuable, even if Butler has the bigger name recognition.

Raul Ibanez – Homer yesterday and now hitting .350 over the last week.  Ibanez, “Hello, Corner, I think I’m going to turn you.”  Corner, “About time.”

Jake Fox – Designated for assignment.  I don’t know what I’m going to do with all of these “Unathletic like a Fox” shirts.

Jorge Posada – Two games, two grand slams as the Yankees scored 22 runs in their three game sweep of the Astros.  Now the Orioles and the Astros have something to talk about on their date.

Delmon Young – 1-for-3 with his 8th homer and 3rd in the last week.  It feels like forever and 3 days ago when Young was a big-time prospect, but he’s still only 24 years old.  Grab while hot.

Kevin Slowey – 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Hey, Slowey, here’s a crazy thought, instead of giving up hits to everyone, how about you walk a few people?

Kris Medlen – 8 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Still hasn’t touched 100 pitches in a game, but has now thrown 5 solid starts in his last six.  Really should be owned everywhere…. Actually should’ve been owned for the last month.

Troy Glaus – 4-for-5, 2 homers.  I get the feeling people are waiting for the other shoe to drop with Glaus, but the only thing that really stood in his way was his health.  If he’s healthy, there’s no reason why he can’t hit 30 homers and .260.  Playing first could be the answer to his health woes.  Hey, maybe the Braves can let Glass Chipper simultaneously play first too.  It’s the WebMD defensive shift.

Tyler Colvin – 0-for-3.  Piniella said he wants to play Colvin more.  Steve Stone said, “Yeah, I thought so.”

Ted Lilly – 8 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Took a no-hitter into the 9th inning as Cubs fans’ brains were clouded with Pappas & beer.  Unfortunately, Pierre pulled a Joyce and singled up the middle.  Lilly has been terrific since he’s returned from the DL.  Hopefully, that jinxes him because I don’t own him anywhere.

Gavin Floyd – 8 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks.  He was mentioned in the post of pitchers who should be better.  Hey, look at that.  He was.

Alcides Escobar – Wait a second… Are my eyes seeing right?  Alcides Escobar has stolen a base in each of the last two games.  Do you believe in miracles?!  Yes!

Prince Fielder – 2 homers, supposedly.  I think it was Corey Hart wearing a Professor Klump Halloween costume.

Colby Lewis – 8 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 10 Ks as he wowed the crowd in this heated Brewers/Rangers rivalry.  Interleague fail.

Josh Hamilton – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 15th home run.  Owning Hamilton is like holding your breath for 6 months.  Honestly, I’ve been trying not to talk too much about Hamilton this year because I own him on more teams than I want to admit and I don’t want to jinx him.  Just give me 500 ABs, Hamilton.  Please.

Julio Borbon – 2-for-5 while hitting 2nd and batting .500 over the last week.  He’s not racking up the steals, but he could steal 4 bases in a game any day now and be off and running.  Literally.

Mike Stanton – 2-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 2nd steal.  I think he could be a fantasy first rounder as soon as 2012.  This guy is ridiculously huge and he has speed.  He’s so big the television cameras film him at the plate like Al from The Naked Gun.  You know, the guy who’s head is out of the frame.

Sean Rodriguez – 3-for-3, 2 steals after appearing in Friday’s Buy/Sell, but you knew that already because you read the site.

Jeff Niemann – 6 IP, 5 ER.  Mmm… Sweet, sweet regression.

Jeff Suppan – Signed on with the Cardinals as Dave Duncan takes on his toughest challenge yet.

Chad Qualls – 1/3 IP, 2 ER.  Someone put him out of his misery.  Or put him in Misery by tying him to a bed and breaking his ankles.

Krispie Young – 3-for-5 and 2 Krispie flies.  Now has 12 homers on the year while hitting a respectable (for him) .277.  According to ESPN’s Player Rater, he’s had top 15 value for all outfielders so far.  I could see him putting it together and walking away with a 30/30 season.

Aubrey Huff – 2-for-4, 2 homers, batting .303 with 10 homers on the year.  Looking like a poor man’s Glaus a.k.a. matte.

Ryan Spilborghs – 3-for-5, 2 homers, hitting almost .700 over the last week as Seth Smith loses time even against righties.  Maybe Seth Smith slept with the Rockie manager’s daughter, Tracy Tracy.