Fantasy Baseball Advice

The Indians have been more of a trainwreck than Jeff Conaway and Tom Sizemore doing a community theater production of The Taking of Pelham 123. Now Grady Sizemore hits the DL with elbow inflammation.  For whatever reason, this season he’s shown himself to be a bit of a flight risk.  In 13 attempted steals, he’s been caught stealing 6 times.  (He’s been terrible at stealing bases, but has elbow pain?  Is he running on his hands?  What’s the deal, friend?)  Half of me wants to be the doomsayer, um, saying doom that Sizemore’s going to struggle even when he returns because of what we’ve seen in the past from players with elbow pain.  Then my better half wants to say it can’t be that bad, he hit his 9th home run on Saturday. So the ladies love Grady, but should his fantasy owners?  Unfortunately, if elbow pain is severe enough to send someone to the DL, it’s not a good sign.  So I wouldn’t try to buy him low, unless the deal’s too good to turn down.  Then again, I wouldn’t sell him low, either.  If you own him, I think you need to just hold and hope for the best.  Unless, again, someone’s overpaying you for him.  Basically, you’re in a pickle between a rock and a hard place.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Ben Francisco – 2-for-3 with a steal.  Hitting .360 in the last seven games and has 5 homers and 9 steals on the year.  Yawnstipating, for sure.  But Francisco will now be batting in the top of the order while Sizemore nurses his elbow.  Is Sizemore nursing his elbow in public? Gross!

Victor Martinez – Sat out yesterday.  Are the Indians punting this season?

Jhonny Peralta – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and the Indians batted third their .339 SLG shortstop.  Though I don’t think that lasts.

Chien-Ming Wang – 8 IP, 2 ER and 7 Ks since he’s returned, but, man, it really feels like he’s trying to get you to fall for the old-banana-in-the-tailpipe, right?

Kevin Youkilis – 2 HRs yesterday as he bats .366 on the season and way above where his BABIP says he should be, i.e., the bottom could fall out.

Jon Lester – 6 IP, 1 ER, 12 Ks.  Even if you missed this start because you benched him, this is a good sign going forward… Unless he continues to alternate good and bad starts, then you’re gonna have to wait ten days for another good start, at which time you’ll probably bench him again.

Alex Rios – 5 for his last 8 and a homer and steal yesterday.  In case you don’t own him, which I don’t, you may not know his current stats.  6 homers, 4 steals and a .276 average.  From a 3rd round draft pick in ‘08 to 5th round in ‘09, he’s making a case for the 8th round next year.  Maybe the -is on his first name was his Samson’s hair.

John Maine – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 Ks.  Besides some early season struggles, he’s pitched well.  Can’t hurt to pitch at Metco.  If he’s out there, he gets the Nats next time out.

Edwin Jackson – 8 IP, 0 ER, 7 Ks.  Falls into those untradeable guys.  You can’t trade him for how valuable he’s been, because no one believes it.  On the other hand, you can’t trade for him either, because you don’t believe it either.  Wait, huh?

Jason Berken – 7 IP, 1 ER.  Didn’t this guy used to date Lauren Conrad?  (BTW, how about that Hills finale?  Tears, pho sho!)  Anyway, Berken’s not worth a pickup in 16 team leagues that only use Orioles.

Josh Willingham – 2 HRs yesterday and 3rd homer in three days.  Had a good May, wouldn’t trust him to have a good June.

Elijah Dukes – Returns Tuesday.  That’s if he doesn’t end up in jail.  I could totally see Phil Spector producing a Dukes album.

Edwin Maysonet – Rod Roddy, “For the next contestant on The Price is Right… A brand new…. Maysonet!”  9-for-20 since being called up to fill-in for Kaz Matsui.  I’m going to go out on a limb and say 9-for-20 is the best string of 20 ABs he’s ever had in pro ball.

Paul Maholm – 7 IP, 1 ER, but lost in a pitcher’s duel to Mike Hampton, who went 7 IP, 1 ER with 3 Ks.  The official attendance was 19,566 people bored out of their mind.  This would be a good test to see if a girl likes you, “Baby, you wanna take in the Astros/Pirates game? I hear the Pirates mascot, Captain Jolly Roger, shoots wieners into the crowd.”

Ben Zobrist – 1-for-4, batting leadoff yesterday.  While it might be nice in theory, let’s not put too much pressure on The Zo.  He’s 25-for-74 with 4 homers batting sixth.  The Zo likes to relax!

Randy Choate – What, no save today?  As I said in the comments on Saturday after Choate notched back-to-back saves on Friday and Saturday, Choate’s a situational lefty.

Kris Medlen – 6 IP, 1 ER, 9 Ks.  The forces of the universe are conspiring against Hanson.

Max Scherzer – 3 2/3 IP, 8 ER.  Ouch… Wait, huh?  Ouch…  Sorry, having a hard time sitting down.

Chipper Jones – This year might be the first time I’ve owned Chipper in any league in ten years — in fairness, I only own him there because it’s an OBP, and Chipper does the OBP thing almost as well as he does the, “Ow, my v-jay hurts,” thing.  So, my conclusion after owning him for two months is I hate him even more this year.  5 homers is unacceptable.  Seriously.

Yovani Gallardo – I thought I was going to witness something historic when he struckout 8 through the first 9 batters.  Alas, the pitch count was high and he had to get pulled in the 6th.

Zach Greinke – 7 IP, 3 ER, 7 Ks.  Who slipped the Kryptonite into his Prozac?  Not cool, guys.

John Danks – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER.  Walks haven’t been great, but he’s striking out guys at a solid rate.  The opposing team’s hits are just coming at the wrong time.  His ERA should come down.

Adam Kennedy – 2 HRs yesterday.   Though Nixon demanded a recount.

Josh Hamilton – Headed for a MRI for his abdominal and groin problems.  Hopefully, they’re separate issues.  Otherwise, that would really be a problem.

Andrew Bailey – 1 2/3 IP, 0 ER, blown save, but the Win.  Now not only is he the closer, but he’s also the setup man.  Maybe Ziegler disagreed with the choice of Brad Pitt to play Billy Beane in Moneyball:  The Movie. I, for one, hope Pitt channels his True Romance character for the role.

Scott Hairston – 2-for-4, and a steal.  I know, he’s a Padre, but, seriously, he has value.

Ervin Santana – 5 1/3 IP, 8 ER.  I kinda wish instead of saying you should trade him after a few good starts, I pressed you, dear Razzball reader, to trade him before his first start.  I think a trip to the Disgraceful List is more likely than a turnaround, but you’ll need to bench him and wait it out.

David Aardsma – 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 4 BBs. I didn’t see this outing, but he must’ve been very wild.  It’s hard to walk four Angels in two-thirds of an inning.   Luckily, Morrow’s been erratic as all get-out.

Ichiro Suzuki – 4-for-5 with a homer.  He’s batting .354 so that’s, uh, ya know where you expect it.  But he only has 19 Runs.  Surprisingly, he doesn’t have 19 solo homers.

Chad Gaudin – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 Ks.  Threw a masterpiece on Sunday in Colorado.  Of course…  Sonavabench!

Adrian Gonzalez – Hit his 20th homer yesterday.  Padres could clear 200 homers this year.  If Gonzalez hits 180.

Joey Votto – Totally pulling a Kotchman at this point as he heads to the DL with a stress-related issue.  What, he misplaced his ear drops and totally freaked?  What’s the deal, Votto?  Let’s get our shizz together.

Brandon Phillips – 2-for-4, HR yesterday.  I think my concerns about Phillips’s hairline fracture in his thumb were prematurely reported.  Seems to be fine.  I recant. (<–16th Century Word of the Day!)

Micah Owings – 5 2/3 IP, 5 ER.  Nothing really to report with this guy, but the Brewers announcer said something funny during yesterday’s game. (FYI, something is guaranteed to not be funny, when you say it’s funny.  Anyway…) Dusty walks to the mound and the Brewers announcer says something to the effect, “There’s no one ready in the Reds bullpen so this is probably just to talk to Owings about strategy for this next hitter.”  Then Dusty removes Owings from the game after five and two-thirds and 103 pitches.  So the Brewers announcer says, “I wonder what Owings said to get Dusty to pull him from the game.”  This made me laugh.  What on earth could Owings had said to get removed after only 103 pitches?  “Please, Dusty, I’ll wash your car!”  “I’m your man next time Dusty Jr. needs a babysitter on a Friday night.”  “Dusty, I’ll tell you who crapped in your Cubs Dairy Queen sundae helmet.  It was Votto!”

(Note from Rudy:  I wanted the title, “Ditch Stitch Tits.”  Over Instant Messenger, Grey thickly said, “What’s with you and the stitch tits?  This is about Vlad, not Pamela Anderson.” It means Vlad had a pectoral tear.  Your pectoral is in your chest.  Sorry none of you could bask in my preferred title.  Now, carry on, Grey — lamer!)  Vladimir Guerrero is due back on Monday from a torn pectoral.  I’m not a doctor, but occasionally I played one in my preteen years.  All I know of the pectoral is it’s somewhere in Vlad’s body.  Do I have one?  Maybe.  No idea.  So let’s go with what I do know.  Scioscia lies; he lies when he cries that Vlad can’t play the outfield, but can DH, which he said on April 7th, right before Vlad missed six weeks.  When Vlad did finally hit the DL, some source that Jayson Stark won’t reveal (because this is just so damning I suppose) said, “When those offensive linemen get (the same injury as Vlad) in the NFL, they’re out for the year.”  So, assuming Vlad doesn’t need to block Jose Guillen from trying to tackle Scioscia, will Vlad be in the clear come Monday?  Not likely.  The injury that was only supposed to effect him when he throws has already sidelined him for 6 weeks from hitting.  I’m assuming the Angels brass got together and decided half of a Vlad (or Vl) was a lot more intimidating hitting in the middle of the lineup than sitting on the sidelines doing Sudoku.  This does not mean you need to have him in your fantasy lineup.  Remember last year from June on, Vlad only hit 20 homers, or about what Raul Ibanez has done already (Raul!).  Then you throw in the risk of having a player who is a Latin 34 with deteriorating skills and knees and he’s a sell.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Brian Anderson – Could have some slight value in AL-Only leagues.  Though if you have a erection for longer than 4 hours after picking up Brian Anderson, you should seek advice from a doctor.

David Aardsma – He’s worked his way into the last two Buy/Sells going for the record of 4, which is currently held by last summer’s Cliff Lee when I kept telling people to sell him.  Hmm…

Jorge Posada – I’m not a huge fan of Jorge, but if he’s on waivers right now and you’re hurting for a catcher, I’d stash him in my DL spot.  He’s due back soon.  Act like you know, MC Lyte!

Paul Konerko – Not a thrilling name (he’s no Posada!) but he’s been hitting for average recently with power coming on.  He has 20 more homers in his bat.

Casey Blake – Keeping with the boring veteran theme, Blake’s good for 85/25/95/.270 and one alleged homicide.

Scott Hairston – Wait, where are the exciting names?  A hitter on the Padres?  This is the worst Buy/Sell ever! Thanks, random italicized voice.   Yeah, Hairston’s boring as dog balls and yawnstipating at best, but he’s hot right now and hitting in the middle of the Padres order.  I wouldn’t trade for him, but if you need a Hot Hitter Injection in your outfield, he’s worth a looksee.

Mat Gamel – Interleague is here and Gamel will see DH ABs.  Just hold him until the end of interleague because if he torches right handers this weekend, you’ll wish you gave him a few more days.  Oh, and if he hits righties like he’s capable of, he might platoon with H.A. double hockey sticks when they go back to those old school NL vs. NL match-ups.  Or Hall might move to 2nd.  All we need is just a little patience.

J.A. Happ – Will Happ be crapp?  PPotentially.  But he’s worth a pickup (don’t start him) in 12 team or deeper leagues.

Homer Bailey – Never trust a pitcher named Homer?  Well, not at first I wouldn’t.

Kris Medlen – Hmm… Let’s see if Grey can take out his magic stick on these schmohawks.  Happ, Medlen then Bailey, in that order.  But, guys, they’re all rookie pitchers.  You’re taking on a lot of risk.  As I’ve said before, a rookie hitter goes 0-for-16 and he does little damage to your team.  A rookie pitcher gives up 6 earned in 4 innings and it hurts.

Gil Meche - Like Meche much?  Yup.  Though not quite as much as this guy likes Brian Shouse.

Rafael Betancourt – Do I trust Betancourt at all?  No, but picking up cheap saves isn’t a trust exercise.

Jesus Guzman – He has Bugs Bunny numbers down in Triple-A, but he can’t field to the point where Gamel would be used as his defensive replacement.  Might just be up for the interleague series or he might relieve the Giants fans of having to watch Ishikawa bat.  In deep leagues and NL-Only ones, he’s worth a flier.  Oh, and in ESPN leagues, he’s eligible at shortstop.  Zoinks!

Jonny Gomes – Worth a flier in NL-Only leagues.  But Gomes is so AAAA.  So, in that way, he’s twice the player that Josh Hamilton is.

SELL

Jair Jurrjens – Jar-Jar’s a lot closer to a 3.75 ERA pitcher, instead of a 1.96 ERA.  His Ks are low and his luck is high.  But for those of you with Restless Trade Finger, don’t trade him for a bag of buttered popcorn and a postcard stamp.  He shouldn’t collapse.

Corey Hart – ’80s pop icon has been struggling, though hitting fine against righties.  (Fine’s obviously subjective here, but no worse than how he’s hitting against lefties.  But if the Brewers really wanted to mess with his mind, they could start Gerut against some righties.  You shouldn’t be dropping Hart, or selling him low, but it’s a situation to track.

Jose Lopez – Who are you, Lopez?  You’re not even a Sparky Anklebiter.  You suck.  Goodbye.

Adrian Beltre – A drain on my patience.  I’m done with you too.  Now don’t make me ever watch the Mariners again.  Frankly, I don’t ever even want to go to Seattle now.  You ruined it for me.  Are you happy?

Howie Kendrick – Batting 9th, but let’s assume that’s the 2nd number one hitter in the order.  Okay, so he’s batting in front of Figgins and Erick Aybar… He’s going to get bunted to third every time he gets on base?  Goodbye, hate you too.

Trevor Hoffman – Currently has a 0.00 ERA. That actually might have people believing he’s about to save 40 games.  Well, maybe he does, but if you can trade Hoffman for an every day hitter or a “go pitcher,” remember SAGNOF.

Roy Oswalt – Name value is all that’s carrying him at this point.  His Ks are down.  He’s not even being particularly unlucky.  His men left on base are about where they should be.  He’s looking like a 4.50 ERA pitcher right now.  Hold the sides of your head because I’m about to blow your mind.  Wandy’s better than Roy.

Conor Jackson – Gag me with a spoon!  Jackson contracted Valley Fever that turned into pneumonia which has given his owners the boogie woogie blues.  This pneumonia – which may drag on all year like Casey Kotchman’s mono – makes him droppable in all but NL-only formats.

Andruw Jones – Your laissez faire attitude was fine when you were in your twenties, but now you’re just fat and lazy and hope everything comes easy to you.  Me to Andruw, not my Mom to me.  I’m not fat.

Let’s just assume Joe Mauer hits 25 HRs, though no one south of the Arctic Circle has him projected for more than 18.  And even some less optimistic Eskimos have him down for only 20.  Let’s also assume after curing the swine (<–which is prosciutto, I believe), he hits .330.  Let’s also chuck in 80 Runs and 80 RBIs, which seems Brobdingnagian (Word of the Day!) considering time already missed.  I think these are all preposterous numbers considering his back problems, but let’s suspend disbelief.  So Mauer still has 17 more homers, a great average and 60 some-odd Runs/RBIs in him.  In the first half of last year, Doumit hit 11 homers with 42 Runs and 29 RBIs, while batting .329.  Those numbers are in 207 ABs.  He can easily replicate those numbers when he returns.  So if you trade Mauer for, say, an outfielder who still has 30 HRs in his bat (Quentin) or a pitcher (Hamels) or a corner guy (Youkilis) and grab a random schmohawk catcher of waivers, you’re walking out of the trade in good shape. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jake Peavy – San Diego is a beautiful city with a low crime rate, a large Navy presence and it’s a stone’s throw from Tijuana donkey shows.  Who would want to leave that?  Peavy knows how lucky he is to pitch in Petco and the NL.  However, this almost trade should raise red flags for Peavy owners.  He may end up moving at some point this summer.  Hopefully, he lands in Metco.

Homer Bailey – In 12 team leagues and deeper, I’d grab him and not start him for Saturday’s game.  In the minors, he looked flat-out dominant coming into May with a 3-0 record and a 1.86 ERA and a shizzload of Ks — we’re talking 15 Ks in just over 6 innings in one game.  But since then, he’s back to his old ugly self with an overall 3-5 record and a 4.57 ERA.  Caveat emptor, for those in Latin America.

Scott Hairston – Will be the beneficiary of the Gerut trade to Milwaukee.  Hairston’s startable in 12 team leagues and deeper.  He has an outside chance at a 20/12 year while being in a good run producing spot in the Padres order… Oh, who am I fooling?  There’s no good run producing spots in the Padres lineup.

Jesus Guzman – What time is it?  Rookie nookie time!  You’re showing Gamel, the dealer’s showing Guzman.  You win, but it’s nearly a push.  Hopefully, the Giants say saynora to Ishikawa, but Guzman’s call-up may just be for interleague, because Guzman makes Gamel look like Ozzie Smith.  Pick Guzman up now in deep leagues, keepers and NL-Only leagues and ask questions later.

Travis Snider – Optioned to Vegas with the Blue Jays recalling Candi Whistleshorts from Cheetah’s.

Joba Chamberlain – Came out of the game after throwing two-thirds of an inning when he was hit by a comebacker.  Word out of the South Bronx is he’s day-to-day.

Jon Lester – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER.  Lifting the moratorium on Lester-speak to say, ’bout time.

Juan Cruz – 1/3 IP, 4 ER.  Kazaam!

Juan Rivera – 2 homers in three days.  Get’m while they’re hot.

LaTroy Hawkins – Threw a perfect inning with 2 Ks.  I dropped Sampson from all my teams.

Bill Hall – 0-for-3 with 2 Ks and 5 men left on. The one where he actually hit the ball in play was an inning ending double play with the bases loaded. Meanwhile, Gamel had his cards read to him by part-time pitcher, part-time astrologer, Dave Bush.

Rafael Betancourt – A Cuddle Boy spotting getting the save.  Wood’s still the closer, but that may change after a few more blowups. Could Betancourt step in?  Not very likely, but I picked him up in two leagues — My name is Grey and I’m a save whore.

Pablo Sandoval – Took Eckstein out on a slide at 2nd.  It looked like Nikki Blonsky slide tackling DJ Qualls.

Zach Greinke – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 Ks.  Take that, Greinke!  Oh, wait, that was still a solid start.

Derrek Holland – Will start Friday against the Astros.  No DH?  Yes, to DH.

Raul Ibanez – Hit his 15th homer and racked up his 40th RBI.  Doode has been way underrepresented in the daily roundups.  The move to Citizens Bank obviously was going to be a boon to his value, but he’s singlehandedly carried me in my 15 team league.  If Razzball had a Walk of Fame, Raul would be right next Asdrubal and Wandy.  (Asdrubal just because of his silly name.)

Kris Medlen – 3 IP, 5 ER.  He looked like a nervous wreck, balking and walking.   His fastball has a ton of movement, but he needs to find his Quan.  Since he’s a rookie pitcher, he comes with risk and upside.

Edwin Jackson – 8 IP, 3 ER, 7 Ks.  After the game, when a reporter asked Leyland why he let Jackson throw 132 pitches, he responded by blowing out a smoke ring and saying, “I’m old school.  And don’t spell school with a K, that’s new skool.”

Ian Kinsler – Steal yesterday.  With Mark Reynolds breathing down his neck, he became the first 10/10 player on the year.

Mark Reynolds – Mini-Donkey was at it again last night with a homer and a steal, joining Ian Kinsler as the only 10/10 players in the majors.  Can the Diamondbacks please play 100 more games in Florida?

Curtis Granderson – Hit his 11th homer yesterday.  He could coast to a 25/20 season.

Justin Morneau – Twins score 20 runs.  Morneau goes 0-for-2 with one run.  Ticker tease!

Bartolo Colon – Clear the deck!  We have a Colon blow in Chicago!  He was actually another ticker tease for Fantasy Razzball as only one run of 8 was earned.

Adam Wainwright – 8 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 Ks.  Even more encouraging is his 17/4 K/BB in the last 22 2/3 innings.

Brad Ziegler/Andrew Bailey – Ziegler gave up the losing run, Bailey gave up two runs earlier.  I called up the A’s front office and asked to speak to the closer, and the receptionist said, “Who?”

Troy Percival – 1/3 IP, 2 ER.  I don’t think he gets removed from the job, they’ll probably just place him on the Disgraceful List out of respect.  I own Wheeler in a league or two, Nelson might be called on too.

Tony Gwynn Jr. – Traded to the Padres.  All across San Diego, I picture sons approaching their fathers with this question, “Dad, why do you have a jersey of a guy that stinks?”

Joey Votto -  After a week of tests, there’s word that Votto could come back this weekend.  Turns out he had an ear infection.  Okay, here’s the thing, my meth addict neighbor could diagnose an ear infection.  WTF?  Seriously.