Fantasy Baseball Advice

Almost a 11 K/9 in the minors is, uh, Mike Minor.  He major, Kanye.  I hope Roberto Kelly doesn’t come back to visit the Braves because when R. Kelly sees a minor, urine trouble!  So should you play some Gary Glitter if you’re lusting after this Minor?  In 118 2/3 IP this year, he has 144 Ks and 44 walks.  Hello, beautiful.  Want me to continue?  Of course you do.  You’re greedy.  In Triple-A through five starts, his ERA is 1.99 while rocking a .171 BAA.  He probably only has around 7 starts left in his arm this year before the Braves shut him down, but that’s all right, no one has many starts left.  Minor’s a must grab in NL-Only and keepers.  In mixed leagues, I’d grab him for his first start vs. the Astros, then go from there.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Kris Medlen – Medlen’s donezo.  Shut it down, Kris.  He’s about to.  Medlen’s headed for TJ surgery, which is when six drunk frat boys give a horse tranquilizer to– Wait, checking notes.  Ah, that’s Tijuana, not Tommy John.

Kevin Youkilis – Out for the season.  You kinda knew this was coming.  What can you do?  Put on a potato sack and walk into traffic?  Sure, but after that?

Carlos Delgado – He’s got suitors.  Right now, his Mom’s fielding calls while he tries on dresses.  Who really wants to take Delgado’s I-haven’t-played-in-two-years virginity?  Wouldn’t be surprised if he lands with one of the Sox.  Red would be my guess, but the White ones might pull it out.  Means nothing unless he gets hot and you’re crazy desperate.  He’s old and rusty right now.

Jason Bay – Reportedly not close to returning.  That’s more good news from Bay.

James McDonald – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Not that long ago, I liked McDonald.  Then the Dodgers diddled him as they’re wont to do.  Now he’s in the Pirates rotation and there’s no reason they shouldn’t throw him out there every fifth day.  McDonald should K around 8 per nine.  (In the minors, he had a 9+ K-rate in his career.)  His walks can get wonky, but in deep leagues, he’s definitely worth a look.

Joaquin Benoit – 1 IP, 2 ER.  I haven’t had room for many MRs this year.  Been chasing too many saves.  Two days ago, I found room on one team for Benoit.  He had given up only 3 earned runs the entire year.  Until yesterday.  When I was picking up Benoit, a little old lady walked passed my window chanting “Flores para los muertes.” I should’ve known it wasn’t a good sign.

Jhoulys Chacin – Returning to the Rockies rotation.  He’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell.  You can hardly wait!  Yes, you can.  Or can’t.  Whichever one makes more sense.

Roy Oswalt – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  What’s red, gray and all over the strike zone?  Oswalt.  Against a more patient team this would’ve been a very ugly start.  Cust kayin’.

Daisuke Matsuzaka – 8 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks.  It was against the Indians, I shouldn’t have to say more.

Nyjer Morgan – Hits the DL with hip pain.  He hurt it falling on one of Ronnie’s grenades.

Ryan Zimmerman – 2-for-4 with two homers.  After the game, the press couldn’t wait to talk to him about Strasburg.

David Murphy – With Vlad resting for the playoffs just about every other game, Murphy has seen a decent amount of time lately.  In the last ten games, he has three homers and two homers in back-to-back games.  He has 7 homers right now.  I wouldn’t be surprised if ended the year with 15 homers.  He doesn’t face many lefties, so you’ll have platoon him into your fantasy lineup, but I like him.  If it makes you feel better, I grabbed him in one league.

Adrian Beltre – 1-for-4 with his 20th homer and 75th RBI as he bats .336.  How’s this for a nickname for Beltre?  The Contract Killer.

Mike Gonzalez – Came in the 8th inning, gave up a single to the lefty Abreu and was promptly lifted.  The problem, if there is a problem, is Buck Showalter might see Mike Gonzalez and think he’s a LOOGY.  Sometimes old school managers see a lefty and get confused.  For further discussion, see Bobby Cox’s handling of Gonzalez.

Nick Markakis – Sparkakis!  He actually leads the major leagues in doubles which makes me think he might be a sleeper next year.  Doesn’t change how terrible he’s been this year though.

Max Scherzer – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 Ks in a no-decision against the White Sox.  Don’t look now but that’s 11 straight starts where Der Hurler has thrown at least 5 IP and given up no more than 4 runs.  His WHIP will be high until he gets better control but he’s a good option if you need K’s (nearly a K an inning this year).

Kevin Slowey – Masterful for 7 innings against the Rays (0 ER, 2 baserunners) then ol’ Gardy brings him out in the 8th only to give up an Upton HR then load the bases so Mahay can give up a pinch-hit grand slam to Jason Bartlett.  I can picture every fantasy owner seeing him come out for the eighth saying ‘Nooooooo!’ in slowey-mowey.

Russell Martin – Sounds like he’s done for the season.  Too bad, so sad.

Bobby Jenks – You know Ozzie couldn’t have been happy when Jenks gave up a 3 run lead by giving up a two out, 3-run HR to Ryan Raburn.  When Ozzie confronted him about it, Jenks pissed him off further by getting into a sumo wrestling pose instead of donning a mask and putting on tights.

Kila Ka’ahiue – The Good Eyein’ Hawai’ian got himself a place to play.  The Royals traded him?  Nope.  That crazy guy who wanted to kill Matt Stone and Trey Parker put a jihad on the Royals and took over their team?  Nope.  The Royals designated Jose Guillen for assignment.  Holy shizz balls, the Royals are making sense!  Member two months ago when I sat behind you at your computer and kept buzzing you with an electrical current to pick up Ka’aihue?  Don’t make me do it again, my electric bill was outrageous.

J.P. Arencibia was called up by the Buckless Jays.  In Triple-A, Arencibia hit 31 homers in 379 ABs.  That’s-a one spicy prospect!  To go all Latin America on you, there’s a caveat.  That was in the PCL, which is like playing on the moon with an aluminum bat.  He’s not quite the prospect of Wieters, Posey or Carlos Santana, pre-Kalish yelling at him, “Eat everything off your plate!”  I’d pick up Arencibia if you just lost Santana or if you’re just hurting at catcher, in general.  Conservatively, I’d give him 6 homers and a terrible average.  But he’s capable of more and that’s why you grab him.  When we’re dealing with such short sample sizes as the final two months, it’s worth the flyer to see if he surprises with an extended hot streak.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Carlos Zambrano – Will return to the Cubs rotation on Monday vs. the Giants.  Assuming the uneasy truce between Big Z, Derrek Lee and the Gatorade cooler sticks.

Kris Medlen – Left the game with an injury to the ulnar collateral ligament.  That’s longhand for ‘trouble.’  He’s droppable in all mixed leagues.

Carlos Pena – Has a tear in his plantar fascia, which sounds like the color your wife wants to paint the bathroom.  Right now, I’m trying to decide between Warm Khaki and Plantar Fascia for my kitchen. That’s nice, random italicized voice.  Pena hopes to be back by this weekend.  We shall see.  Or not.  Your choice.

David Price – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, but didn’t get the win because Scott Baker decided to show up (8 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks).  Even when Baker isn’t hurting me, he’s hurting me.

Matt Capps – Blew the save yesterday.  Storen was good but young, Clippard was a mess at times, Burnett’s a lefty.  I.e., Capps was pretty secure in Washington.  The Twins are trying to win a division and Rauch casts a very long shadow, which is only partially because he’s eight feet tall.

Carlos Gonzalez – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and two homers.  Go back and read this.  I’m a genius!  (Even though I always need my spellchecker to spell genius.  Genuis just looks better, sioux me.)

Geovany Soto – 3-for-5, 5 RBIs and his 15th homer.  He does it again!

Brett Anderson – 7 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Not sure what his deal was last time out when he was rocked, but so far when Anderson has been healthy, he’s been excellent.  No reason I see that changing.  Health’s the issue, not stuff.

Michael Wuertz – Got the 1-2-3 save.  I might be making this up, but I think this is the first time all year that I’ve grabbed a guy for vulture saves and I actually got a clean save out of it.

Ervin Santana – 3 2/3 IP, 9 ER, 14 baserunners, 4 Ks.  I’ve been Pwnson’d!

Peter Bourjos – 2-for-4 with a steal.  He’s alive with SAGNOF.  On Bill James’ Speed Score, where 5 is average, Bourjos turns it to an 11.  Actually, that’s a lie.  He’s probably a 9.  Carl Crawford leads the majors with an 8.7.  Bourjos just ran into your room, mussed your hair, re-combed it to exactly the same place and left the room before you even noticed.

Luke Scott – Guess what he did again.  Go ahead, guess.  I’ll wait.  Nope, didn’t steal a base.  No, he didn’t hit for the cycle.  No, he didn’t walk your dog for you.  How would he even get in your house?  He homered!  Again.

Alfredo Simon – 1 IP, 1 ER and the save.  I guess Mike G.’s going to be the closer again.  Any day now, Buck.

Justin Masterson – 5 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks vs. the Red Sox.  Nice to see Justin Masterson:  Passive Aggressive Fantasy Starter make another appearance.

Russell Martin – To the DL with a tear in his hip.  I think the same thing happened to Larry King.  Russell Martin may need to wear suspenders.

Vicente Padilla – 9 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks.  I know it’s weird that you should own Padilla, but you really should own Padilla.

Mike Stanton – Hit his 10th homer in 170 ABs.  In 500 ABs, that’s a nice handful of homers.  Not talking this year.  I’m talking 2011.  I cannot wait for Bill James’ Stanton projections in November.  At least 35 homers and 7 steals.

Paul Konerko – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer in the last ten games.  He goes crazy hot or crazy cold.  He’s yes or he’s no.  He’s in or he’s out.  He’s up or he’s down.

Edwin Jackson – 7 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners (only one walk), 6 Ks.  You’d think the Tigers would know to be a little more patient with Jackson.  I still wouldn’t grab Edwin in roto leagues, but he gets the Suckie-O’s next.  That’s a decent gamble in H2H leagues.

Brandon Inge – 3-for-4 in his return to the lineup.  That was quick.  He had a broken bone in his hand and was supposed to miss six weeks.  That was two weeks ago.  If he only had as much ability as he has desire to play or have books read to him.

Adam Dunn – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs, 2 homers.  You can’t spell Big Donkey without donk.  It’s a fact.

Kila Ka’aihue – He got the start.  It’s a celebration, snitches!  He went 1-for-4 with a strikeout.  It’s a bittersweet celebration.  Here’s what Stephen said earlier in the year, “The power is legit.  If given the chance at full playing time, the Royals could have a 25 homer, .400 OBP first baseman/DH.”  And that’s me cutting and pasting Stephen!  I agree, and I like Kila if the peasant Royals play him.  Ka’aihue is a total masher, poi.  Unfortunately, I think the Royals would prefer to play old ‘n dusty Jose Guillen.

Johnny Cueto – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Last year, he was dreckitude in the 2nd half.  This year he had a 5.33 ERA in April and 2.88 since.  He’s in a good divison.  Pittsburgh, Houston… Cards aren’t even that good.  Pujols, Holliday, then ‘Ooh, I’m scared, it’s Jon Jay.’

Juan Francisco – 3-for-5 as he got the start while Rolen rested.  Hard to recommend him in redraft, mixed leagues because he doesn’t have an every day job, but in keepers and NL-Only leagues go to it.

Mike Sweeney – Phillies acquired him for cash from the M’s.  The cash was said to be in the twelve hundred dollar range, but the Phillies used a Bed, Bath & Beyond 20% off coupon, so it came out to less.  Sweeney will play every day at first while Howard mends.  Sweeney’s only for the very³ desperate.

Travis Snider – 0-for-5 as he hit leadoff.  Hey, I’m excited about the prospects of Snider as anyone.  But leadoff?  Really?  Guess Gaston looks at his lineup and sees nine different six hole hitters and pulls a name out of a hat.

Chris Johnson – 1-for-3 with another homer.  Why haven’t you picked him up yet?  Afraid of success?  That’s what your girlfriend says about you behind your back.

J.A. Happ – 1 IP, 7 ER.  The Astros got Jokey Smurf’d.

Phil Hughes – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Has now only pitched past the 6th inning once in his last three starts.  His June ERA was 5.17 and 5.52 in July.  Who else do you have on your team for name recognition?  Glass Chipper?  The Glue Formerly Known As El Caballo?

Derek Jeter – 4-for-4, 3 Runs.  Pretty disappointing year for Jeter.  Blame the ground balls.  He’s at 67% for balls hit on the ground.  The next closest person is Juan Pierre at 61.5%.  No one has come close to leading the league at that high of a percentage since Luis Castillo hit 66% in 2007.  And that’s not even a fair comparison because Castillo hit some fly balls that just didn’t reach the pitcher in the air.

Alex Rodriguez – Became the fastest player to 600 home runs.  Was also the fastest player to frost his tips blonde, to get the names Brandon and Bronson mixed up, to press charges against Selena Roberts, to ask Joba “How’s your Mom?” while she sat in a Nebraska prison, to tell Girardi his braces “are really cool,” to say to Brain Cashman, “Where’s the Cash, man?!” then laugh hysterically and, finally, A-Rod was the fastest player to prematurely ejaculate into Madonna.

This year in the minors Domonic Brown had a line of 62/19/64/.323/14 and .385/.580/.965.  Let’s recap, whoa/wow/nice/yum-yum/don’t mind if I do and yowsers/that’s lovely/yowsersthat’slovely.  To break that down for the people who skimmed the first two sentences, he has 20/20 potential with plate discipline.  It’s the fantasy baseball equivalent to:  “I don’t think this glazed donut can get any better.”  “How about we sprinkle bacon on it?”  Drool.  By my estimation (and Keith Law’s), he’s the number one prospect in the minors.  (Desmond Jennings is a close 2nd in my book that was rejected by Simon & Schuster.)  Either Werth will be shown the door or Philly fans will kidnap Raul Ibanez and toss him blindfolded into the newly-constructed Octagon in Citizens Flank’s parking lot.  Is Domonic Brown more trouble than he’s Werth?  No, I don’t think so.  Unless we’re talking about spelling his name.  I’d grab Brown in 12 team mixed leagues or deeper.  In keepers, you should own him already.  If you don’t, then now might be a good time.  Or now.  Or now.  Or… You get the point.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

Psyche!  Before we head into the post, just wanted to say the Commenter and Razzball league standings were updated.  Anyway II, onto the Buy/Sell:

BUY

Alex Gordon – Is this the Alex Gordon that was called up three years ago after tearing up the minors only to flame out?  Or is this the Alex Gordon that is called up today that just got done ripping up the minors that will finally fulfill his promise?  I don’t know.  He crushed the minors this year — in 277 ABs, 14 homers, 8 steals, .310 average, .451 OBP and a 1.018 OPS.  He can be a 20+ homer, 15 steal guy over the course of a full season if he doesn’t get in his own way and the Royals give him every day ABs.  I would take a flyer on him for your corner infidel spot for the chance he finally makes good on the promise.  If you’ve heard this story before about Gordon, it’s because you probably have, so don’t drop anyone too valuable.

Chris Johnson -  He’s hitting right now and he has some power potential.  Plus, if he fails you, you can say, “Chris Johnson meet P. Johnson,” while urinating on your computer screen that’s showing your fantasy team.

Yunel Escobar – Hopefully the hand injury he sustained the other day doesn’t get in the way of the revenge he’s currently seeking on the entire Braves organization.

Starlin Castro – In one league, I’m rocking Luis Castillo in my middle infield.  I don’t tell you this because I think you should pickup Castillo or for pity.  I want sympathy!  Castro started off as a hero to millions then he left all his believers scavenging for scraps.  That commie bastard!  Now he’s hitting and stealing bases.

Neil Walker – I’m pretty lukewarm on Walker.  He looks like Coghlan at MI, which is all right.  At least right now, he’s Coghlan when Coghlan’s hitting.

Asdrubal Cabrera – I’d prefer to take an As-Cab to a Walker.

Scott Sizemore – He’s baaack!  And doing nothing like when he left. Who knew a meth’d out Tom Sizemore would be the most reliable Sizemore this year?  I’d grab Scotty for the chance he can make good on his promise.  (He promised me 14/16 in the preseason.  He’s lied thus far.)

Ty Wigginton – His ownership numbers are trending down but that’s wrong, I tell ya.  Guy gets streaky like your acid wash jeans from the 80s.  Unlike the jeans, you don’t have to deny ever owning him.

Jason Bartlett – Welcome back to 103.5 MI-ROQ, where it’s middle infielders all day and night!  Bassoon, tire screech, crazy cackling, triangle, cow bell, more cow bell and one last ding.  Don’t fahgettaBartlett!

Matt Diaz – Dye-As murders lefties, which is similar to being a lefty killer.  Play him against his strong side, sit vs. weak side.  Rinse, repeat.

Drew Stubbs – At 13/18 with a .245 average, he’s having a season that a young Krispie Young would’ve admired.

Juan Rivera -  I’ll be honest, some of these guys are hard to get excited about.  Juan Rivera’s one of those guys.  Wait, who was I talking about?  See!

Jack Cust – If you don’t know what Cust gives you, go back three places and read Matthew Berry.

Luke Scott -  Hard to recommend Scott too highly.  He’s currently hitting and he could get you some homers, but he might not play every day.  It’s like masturbating to The Golden Girls.  It’ll get the job done, but why not switch the channel?

Jordan Zimmermann – I went over J-Z in, like, the last three Buys.  Scroll around the site, will be good for pageviews.

Travis Wood – There could be some ups and downs for Wood.  Oofa!  Thank you, don’t forget to tip your waitresses.  He gets the Astros today.  Giddy up, Wood.  That’s what she said!

Pedro Alvarez – I just went over my Alvarez fantasy.  Click through, it’ll save you time because we both know how busy you are.

J.J. Putz – SAGNOF!

Matt Thornton -  See 1/8th of an inch above.

Sergio Santos – Nothing comes between me and my Sergio Santos.  Except maybe Putz and Thornton.  I’d grab them, in the order I’ve listed them.

Chris Perez – We have to assume Wood will take over when he returns.  But Perez could have the closer job for the rest of the season if Wood is traded.  But II, Making A But Out Of Nothing At All:  Even if Wood returns, he’s far from secure.

SELL

Mike Leake – Even Dusty can’t continue to throw Leake as he flies past a reasonable innings limit.  Dusty’ll put him in Harang’s uniform then send him back to the mound.

Kris Medlen – I love me some Medlen.  We practically grew up together.  Or maybe it was just that I owned him in a few fantasy leagues for a few months.  Neverthehoo!  Medlen’s having his innings limited, it’s hard to own that, unfortunately.

Phil Hughes – The Yankees have limited Hughes to 4 starts in the past month and will probably keep him close to the same workload moving forward.  It’s Hughes Rules… Skip him for a start then let him throw a mediocre 5 inning game.

Josh Beckett – Right after he goes against the hapless M’s tonight, you write something like this on your league messageboard, “Now that Beckett is doing great, I have an excess of starters that I want to trade.  Will trade everyone but Beckett because I really believe him… Unless someone makes a good offer.”  Then you take any offer you get for Beckett.  That’s ygolohcysp, baby!

Andre Ethier had a June line of 9/3/12/.195… In 2008. June gloom? Perhaps. In 2009, he had a May as atrocious. So he can come out of this funk. In the last three years, Ethier has hit 30 points better in the 2nd half. Then again, could it be the pinkie that’s giving Ethier issues? Sure, but how long can a flippin’ pinkie hold him back? Take it easy on the shadow puppets and give your pinkie a rest, doode. Besides, this isn’t the first time Andre Ethier’s had to battle his pinkie demons. So he should get better? Yup. Like a dwarf standing in line, I smell a but. Yeah, random italicized voice, there’s a but. But he gives you no steals and his power is limited. His HRs per AB for the last three years is almost identical from the 1st half to the 2nd half. Around one homer every 25 ABs, so you’re looking at 40/12/50/.300/2 in the 2nd half. It’s nice, but Brennan Boesch just did that in the 1st half. Oh, and maybe the pinkie is bothering him. Ethier’s name value is a lot more valuable than his stats. This does not mean sell Ethier for an unopened Blossom: Season 2 DVD, but I’d entertain offers if there’s people in your league that think Ethier’s due for a huge bounce back. Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Clint Barmes – Has some power and very light speed. Will usually hurt you on average, but is currently hitting near-.400 in the last week. And just think if you own DeWitt and Barmes, you can dedicate your fantasy season to John Ritter.

Felipe Lopez – When you drafted Utley in the 1st round, you never thought you’d be thinking about swimming up the Fe-Lopezian in July, huh?

Mike Aviles – We’ll call this the “I Just Lost Pedroia, Utley and Tulo” Buy/Sell edition. Between Barmes, Felipe and Aviles (or Barfmes), you have a terrible average-okay power guy, a light on everything guy and an empty average guy, respectively. Just think, if you play your Barfmes exactly right, you can get everything Pedroia, Utley and Tulo were giving you. But probably not.

Matt LaPorta – Just went over him. Scroll down or click. The choice is yours, Black Sheep.

Chris Johnson – Before altering all of your Big Johnson t-shirts, I’d note that he has a terrible walk to strikeout rate. For right now, he’s more of an NL-Only add.

Dexter Fowler – This season Dexter is going to kill it! I’m hoping if I keep saying that it will come true while also reminding me to rent the first season of that serial killer show.

Roger Bernadina – Doesn’t he sound like a real estate agent whose picture would be on a bus bench? I’m Roger Bernadina and I can be a cheap source of a 10/20 season. Now who wants to be a homeowner?

Wilson Betemit – For how long can the Royals bench their hottest hitter? Not rhetorical. Before you answer, consider that they played Alex Gordon when he wasn’t hitting and now refuse to promote him when he is hitting. Also consider they never promoted Kila Ka’aihue when he was hitting or gave him a fair shake when they did promote him.

Milton Bradley – What are you worried about? Him throwing off your fantasy chemistry? Sure, in person Milton Bradley is unsafe for Ages 2+, but you’re not going to dinner with him. Go ahead and add this Golden Glove outfielder for power and some light speed.

Alfredo Simon – Mike Gonzalez should be owned, but that doesn’t mean he’s going to be the closer as soon as he walks off the big ol’ jet airliner. A) Gonzalez has a habit of losing closing gigs. B) He’s a lefty. C) He needs to get some innings under his belt in the majors before closing. D) There’s no D. E) Why would there be an E if there was no D?

Kris Medlen – In the May 7th Buy/Sell, I told you to get Medlen. He’s now at 11% owned in ESPN. Don’t everyone jump on the bandwagon at once.

Tom Gorzelanny – 65 Ks in 63 IP. I shouldn’t have to say more. Though by me saying I shouldn’t have to say more is technically me saying more. And me saying I shouldn’t have to say more is technically me saying more is me saying even more. And me saying– Well, you get the picture.

SELL

Paul Konerko – He’s now 34-years-old and has 20 homers while batting .295. Hasn’t hit over 31 homers or as high as .295 since 2006. I’m not saying to sell him for fifty cents on the dollar but for 2010 you’ve already got three-quarters of Konerko’s production. It’s time to cash in.

Ian Kennedy – You guys had a nice run. Member that time you and him and… Yeah, good times! The Diamondbacks are starting to skip him and he’s not a good enough bet going forward for you to be patient. I’m looking elsewhere.

Pablo Sandoval – Aw… But he’s so cute! He’s fat and a panda and you just can’t hate on that. In the preseason, I warned people that Sandoval is not a power hitter no matter his size. He’s similar to Billy Butler in that respect. (BTW, for All-Star Weekend, Billy Butler and Pablo Sandoval in a wet t-shirt contest. Who’s with me?! No one? Oh, well.) Sandoval can hit for more average than your average panda, but I wouldn’t be surprised to only see 15 homers from him this year. Otherwise known as what Rolen had through June 21st. Sandoval will still have some value this year, but he’s a prime example of someone who has more name value than actual value.

Carlos Beltran – Can he run? Can he hit major league pitching again? Can he stop looking so much like Rickie from My So Called Life, it’s really distracting. Lots of questions attached to Beltran. You know what else is attached to him? Is he wearing Michael Jackson’s jacket? No, random italicized voice. That picture is really distracting. I know. Hype and name value is attached to Beltran. If you think you’re getting a guy who is going to give you a prime career year packed into three months, you’re dreaming. I wouldn’t trade Beltran for a six pack of skunked beer, but I’d listen to offers.

On May 23rd, Jason Heyward was scratched with a sore thumb.  Seems harmless, right?  As they say in Norway, “A-ha!  (Best group ever.)”  Turns out he has a strained ligament in his thumb and is headed to the DL.  Member when I said I dropped him about a month or so ago?  In your face fantasy baseball gods!  (It was a shallow, no bench league, stop judging me for dropping Heyward.  I can feel your stares.)  Since May 23rd, Heyward has a line of 16/2/12/.210/2.  If my math is right, that’s not a good month.  No wonder he dodged the Strasburg bullet train last night.  He’s scurred, Mystikal.  Okay, I do really like Heyward, but this thumb injury could linger until the offseason.  Not a great sign.  He may not revisit his mollywhopping, pony stick ways until into The One-One.  For those doing a bid in redraft leagues, DL him if you can and hope the rest helps his sucky thumb.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Tim Hudson – 7 IP, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Has a poor xFIP, a terrible K-rate and a meh walk rate.  It’s not a trick, it’s an illusion!

Kris Medlen – Braves announced that Medlen will stay in the rotation after Jar-Jar returns because any other move would’ve been maddenin’.

Stephen Strasburg – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Rest assured, Beckett Sports Card Monthly still plans on running its Strasburg cover for 16 consecutive months, ESPN will still work Strasburg into every baseball highlight and Strasburg, Virginia will continue to sell bumper stickers that read, “Virginia is for Strasburgers.”

Chase Utley – Will have an MRI on his hand today after hurting it on his slide into 2nd.  They might want to MRI his hip while he’s in there.  If you own Utley, this would be a good time to start praying to your Philly Phanatic bobblehead.

Raul Ibanez – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer.  He’s been flatlining so long I didn’t think Bacon and Kiefer could’ve brought him back.  Maybe he has a pulse after all.  We shall see.  Or not.  Your choice.

Johnny Cueto – 8 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 0 Ks vs. the Phils.  Sonavabench!  How did he not strikeout anyone and hold the Phillies to 1 run?  Cueto, we were friends and now I feel like I don’t know you at all.

Scott Rolen – 1-for-3 with his 17th homer.  Should be a fun throwback Homer Derby at the All-Star Game with Rolen, Konerko and Wells.  When Berman says back-back-back, he might be talking about a back injury.

Aaron Heilman – Two errors led to Heilman blowing the save without giving up a hit or a walk.  Qualls was seen mumbling in the bullpen, “I’m not crazy, the closer role is cursed, I tell ya!  Cursed!”

Adam LaRoche – Hit his 12th homer yesterday.  It’s not quite the 2nd half yet, but no reason to tell LaRoche.

Chris Carpenter – 7 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Didn’t look like himself last night after being hit on the forearm by a comebacker.  He stayed in the game, so it obviously wasn’t that bad, but it’s worth monitoring.

Carlos Quentin – Another day, another homer and another day at the office after a two month vacation.

Travis Snider – Continues to pull a Kotchman and now isn’t expected back until after the All-Star break.

Joel Zumaya – Out with a severe arm injury.  His season might be in question.  Leyland said, “That’s an awesome bad feeling to see something like that.”  Did Tigers management tell him they’re trying to appeal to a younger generation and he needs to use “hip” words?  Did he lose a bet and have to use awesome in every sentence?  Or did someone pack his Marlboros with weed?

Francisco Liriano – 6 IP, 6 ER, 11 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Awesome!

Miguel Olivo – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 11th homer as he bats .303 on the year.  So the Wieters draft pick isn’t looking that good.

Hong-Chih Kuo – Got the save yesterday and could get another today as Broxton gets two days off after pitching four of the last five days.  That’s one way to manage the bullpen.  Another way would’ve been to just not bring Broxton in for the last four non-save opportunities.

Chad Billingsley – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks in his return from the DL.  6 innings, 98 pitches, a few runs, a few walks, some hits… Yup, Bills is back.

Michael Bourn – 4-for-6 and a home run.  Someone test his urine!

Jose Tabata – 1-for-4 with his 3rd steal in the last five games and 5 steals in 17 games.  Gotta love a guy that knows how he gives fantasy value.

Neil Walker – Probably going to the DL with a concussion, unless he’s hardheaded.

Mike Aviles – 3-for-4 and that’s exactly what Aviles do.  Not a flashy 3-for-4, but a 3-for-4 neverthehoo!

Jason Bay – 2-for-4 with 2 homers.  Now if the Mets bring in the fences 100 feet to mimic the bandbox Puerto Rican stadium, Bay will be in good shape.

Ricky Nolasco – 7 IP, 3 ER, 4 Hits, 0 Walks, 9 Ks.  Hey, look who it is, ’08 Nolasco.  Hey, ’08 Nolasco, say hello to your mother for me.

Kerry Wood – 1 IP, 0 ER with 2 Ks for the save.  Right after the last out, the Indians emailed the entire league. Subject:  Wood.  Body of the email:  He’s heating up!!!  Better make your offers soon!!!  No offer too small… Seriously, no offer.

Victor Martinez – Will go on the DL as the Red Sox call up Gustavo Molina.  No relation, but it brings up an interesting idea.  I wonder if I changed my name to Grey Molina if the Astros would be interested.