Fantasy Baseball Advice

Well, not much has changed for closers since last month when we did a run down of all of them.  Kimbrel got a save, Axford got a save, and everyone else sucks.  Holly Robinson Peete closers are a mess!  I don’t think there’s ever been so many Brain Freezes before.  I almost feel like adding an extra category below the Brain Freezes called, “The Legend of Gloom.”  Wha’ happened?  Did someone poison the bullpen water?  Has Mariano Rivera made it so when he retires there won’t be any more closers?  There will only be starters and “Those Other Guys.”  To recap this month in closing quickly:  Valverde has been less than stellar, Putz and Street just don’t close games, Motte hasn’t been good, Brian Wilson became Casilla who Bochy pulled after one batter during one game, Joel Hanrahananananan gave fantasy owners the question, “Who’s Juan Cruz?”, Sergio Santos may start throwing at some point in the next few weeks, the Red Sox gave the job to someone who has an over 10 ERA, Frank-Frank hasn’t had a blank-blank inning in forever, Kyle Farnsworth left stage right and Rodney, who couldn’t get saves last year, entered stage “I can’t believe Rodney’s closing games,” Guerra’s been about as bad as expected, Walden blew one save and lost the job, What the H. Santiago?, What the H. Bell?, Grant Balfour might get traded, Jim Johnson gave fantasy owners the question, “Juan Cruz or Pedro Strop?  Wait, who?”, the closers on terrible teams have looked good so they’ll probably be traded or just not save games, and Brad Lidge is afraid of heights and the mound is above the field so he went to the DL which is on sea level.  Got all of that?  Yeah, I’m not sure I did either.  Anyway, here’s all the closers for 2012 fantasy baseball:

$12 Salads

You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad? Every time you go there, you have a thoroughly solid meal. No complaints, except you just paid $12 for a salad when you could’ve went to McDonald’s and stuffed you and your woman for ten schmools and had $2 in quarters left over to make the hotel bed vibrate. These closers are $12 salads.

1. Craig Kimbrel (Jonny Venters, Kris Medlen)
2. John Axford (Francisco Rodriguez)
3. Mariano Rivera (David Robertson, Rafael Soriano)
4. Jonathon Papelbon (Antonio Bastardo, Chad Qualls)

Donkeycorns

Imagine you’re following a donkey, who’s wearing a wool cap, through a desert for 1700 miles. Why are you following a donkey? Because he promises you something wonderful and you just need to trust him. Does the donkey talk? Yes. Yes, he does talk. So when you and the donkey in the wool cap arrive at his destination, he removes his the wool cap to reveal a horn. The donkey is a unicorn and his gift to you for your trust is saves. These closers are Donkeycorns.

5. Huston Street (+3) (Luke Gregerson, Andrew Cashner)
6. Jim Johnson (+15) (Pedro Strop, Matt Lindstrom)
7. Joel Hanrahan (+4) (Juan Cruz, Jason Grilli)
8. J.J. Putz (-2) (David Hernandez, Bryan Shaw)
9. Jason Motte (-1) (Fernando Salas, Mitchell Boggs)
10. Jose Valverde (-6) (Joaquin Benoit, Octavio Dotel)
11. Rafael Betancourt (+7) (Rex Brothers)
12. Brandon League (+6) (Tom Wilhelmsen)
13. Fernando Rodney (Joel Peralta, Jake McGee)
14. Grant Balfour (+6) (Brian Fuentes, Ryan Cook)
15. Brett Myers (+8) (David Carpenter, Brandon Lyon)
16. Joe Nathan (+6) (Mike Adams, Alexi Ogando)
17. Kenley Jansen/Javy Guerra (+2) (Matt Guerrier)

Brain Freeze

I’m going on a picnic and I’m bringing apples, bananas and Matt Capps– Wait, he just gave up 12 earned runs and hit Valencia in the head with a pickoff throw. Brain freeze! Make it stop! Use the following closers at your own risk.

18. Sean Marshall (+3) (Aroldis Chapman, Jose Arredondo)
19. Santiago Casilla (-10) (Sergio Romo, Jeremy Affeldt)
20. Chris Perez (+4) (Vinnie Pestano, Tony Sipp)
21. Matt Capps (+6) (Glen Perkins, Jared Burton)
22. Jonathan Broxton (+6) (Aaron Crow)
23. Henry Rodriguez (+6) (Tyler Clippard, Brad Lidge)
24. Frank Francisco (-8) (Jon Rauch, Bobby Parnell, Ramon Ramirez)
25. Alfredo Aceves (-13) (Franklin Morales, Daniel Bard)
26. Carlos Marmol (-11) (Rafael Dolis, Kerry Wood)
27. Heath Bell (-19) (Steve Cishek, Edward Mujica)
28. Scott Downs (-11) (Jordan Walden, LaTroy Hawkins)
29. Matt Thornton/Hector Santiago (-1) (Addison Reed, Jesse Crain)
30. Francisco Cordero (-15) (Casey Janssen, Luis Perez, Sergio Santos, Lloyd Moseby)

So with a continuation from previous post about fantasy baseball middle relievers today will be the senior circuit and the National League.  I personally tend to notice that it is easier to stream or pick up relievers from the NL because of the way they substitute pitchers in games more frequently.  Maybe it’s just me, you can agree to disagree if you choose, but I will always be right regardless of what you say.  Here’s some pitchers that get holds for 2012 fantasy baseball:

NL East

New York – Everyone handcuffed Frank Frank with Rauch as well they should, but in the holds department Tim Byrdak and Bobby Parnell are the main set-up to the set-up guys if that makes any type of sense.

Philadelphia – Antonio Bastardo was the early on favorite to garner most of the holds attention.  Retread Chad Qualls seems to be the go-to guy in the early going. Not a great situation, in general, as Philly’s starters average almost 8 innings a start.

Miami – This to me is the place to come and get a nice mixed daiquiri and maybe an unheralded RP.  Steve Chisek, Edward Mujica and Randy Choate form a nice triumvirate of relievers in front of Bell.  Out of the 3, I would take Chisek.

Washington – Tyler Clippard is the guy most owned, he has had it rough in the beginning, but is a good bet for 30 plus here.  Sean Burnett has been turned into an everyday guy to a more situational guy and it suits him.  Craig Stammen is the sleeper guy, showing great K rate and a good source for vulture wins.

Atlanta – Everyday Jonny is owned or should be in most formats. Kris Medlen and Eric O’Flaherty form a nice righty/lefty setup in front of him.

NL Central

St Louis – The more I watch St Louis, the more I am starting to like Mitchell Boggs as the guy in front of Motte.  Marc Rzepczynski is a fill-in for the tough lefties and both guys should finish above 25 Holds here.

Milwaukee – K-Rod is, well, K-Rod… Shows signs of being unhittable and then looks like a tether ball.  Jose Veras is a nice option to have and has pitched semi-effectively to date.  Kameron Loe is the sleeper to watch here.

Cincinnati – Aroldis Chapman is all the rage, like jean jackets and IOU sweatshirts, and, to be honest, he should be starting. Logan Ondrusek has done a stand-up job in the absence of Nick Masset.

Chicago – Yuck, can I just skip them?  Wood is hurt. Rafael Dolis is young and spotty at best.  Definitely a bullpen to avoid.  Newly acquired Michael Bowden could become useful, so monitor it closely

Houston – Outside of Wilton Lopez, Fernando Rodriguez and David Carpenter are more names for NL-only, then mixed variety.

Pittsburgh – They can’t score so how are they supposed to have a lead.  Do they even need a bullpen?  Juan Cruz did a great job filling in at closer for Joel Hanrahan and is rosterable based on handcuff.  Sleeper here is Jason Grilli, nice 10/1 K/bb rate in the early going.

NL West

Los Angeles – Kenley Jansen is most likely the closer of the future (or of right now).  Josh Lindblom is the guy no one knows, but is climbing up Hold ranks for me.

San Diego – What happened? San Diego used to be the maven for relief pitching and they have three, count it, three holds as of me writing this.  Cashner is the guy to own because of the inevitable trade of Street.  You can pick any other reliever in the bullpen for the Friars and their numbers are excellent just no counting stats yet. Monitor close as 3-4 guys have great ratios and will eventually put up holds in bunches.

San Francisco – Well, Romo is still the man here, Casilla is the one turning out the lights and Clay Hensley and Javier Lopez are the guys that you want for holds after Romo.  Just like Bochy drew it up in his ginormous head.  Don’t forget about Affeldt here, that’s all I am saying.

Colorado – It’s the Rex Brothers and Matt Belisle show here as it seems they pitch everyday for the Rockies.  Guys to keep an eye on are Matt Reynolds and Josh Roenicke.

Arizona – Bryan Shaw keeps stealing David Hernandez’s thunder by getting saves. Both are decent options for holds also. Though if Putz comes to shove, I think Hernandez is the closer in waiting.  Deeper leagues can look at Craig Breslow.

Joakim Soria went from being a $12 Salad to a Donkeycorn to a Brain Freeze back to a Donkeycorn to off the list completely in 12 short months.  And if this is the first post you’ve ever read at Razzball, I probably lost you by the eighth word.  Later!  In Soria’s wake is Broxton and Holland, who together can be called Hamsterdam.  In other “Saves give me serious agita” news is Ryan Madson.  He went from a donkeycorn to off the list.  Donkeycorns are dropping like flies!  Then there’s Drew Storen.  He was touch ‘n go there for a day or two… Okay, for about a week or two, but it seems like he could be okay.  Yet, he’s starting the year on the DL.  Terrific.  Since our last Closer Look, Beane told us Balfour got the closer job in Oakland and Chris Perez got the job back from Pestano, which has the Italian American Anti-Defamation League up in arms, but that’s the norm for them since they talk with their hands.  Finally, Carlos Marmol had some nerve issues with his hand that many Razzball commenters opined was from too much internet porn surfing.  Sounds like someone is empathizing.  Anyway, here’s all the closers for 2012 fantasy baseball:

$12 Salads

You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad? Every time you go there, you have a thoroughly solid meal. No complaints, except you just paid $12 for a salad when you could’ve went to McDonald’s and stuffed you and your woman for ten schmools and had $2 in quarters left over to make the hotel bed vibrate. These closers are $12 salads.

1. Craig Kimbrel (Jonny Venters, Kris Medlen)
2. John Axford (Francisco Rodriguez)
3. Mariano Rivera (+1) (David Robertson, Rafael Soriano)
4. Jonathon Papelbon (+1) (Antonio Bastardo, Chad Qualls)
5. Jose Valverde (+1) (Joaquin Benoit, Octavio Dotel)

Donkeycorns

Imagine you’re following a donkey, who’s wearing a wool cap, through a desert for 1700 miles. Why are you following a donkey? Because he promises you something wonderful and you just need to trust him. Does the donkey talk? Yes. Yes, he does talk. So when you and the donkey in the wool cap arrive at his destination, he removes his the wool cap to reveal a horn. The donkey is a unicorn and his gift to you for your trust is saves. These closers are Donkeycorns.

6. J.J. Putz (+1) (David Hernandez, Takashi Saito)
7. Heath Bell (+1) (Steve Cishek, Juan Leo Carlos Nunez Oviedo)
8. Huston Street (+6) (Luke Gregerson, Andrew Cashner)
9. Jason Motte (+4) (Fernando Salas, Eduardo Sanchez)
10. Brian Wilson (-4) (Santiago Casilla, Sergio Romo)
11. Joel Hanrahan (Evan Meek, Chris Resop)
12. Andrew Bailey (+4) (Mark Melancon, Daniel Bard)
13. Sergio Santos (+3) (Francisco Cordero)
14. Kyle Farnsworth (+4) (Joel Peralta, Jake McGee)
15. Carlos Marmol (-6) (Kerry Wood, Rafael Dollis)
16. Jordan Walden (+1) (Scott Downs, Rich Thompson)
17. Frank Francisco (+3) (Jon Rauch, Ramon Ramirez)
18. Brandon League (+6) (Tom Wilhelmsen, George Sherrill)

Brain Freeze

I’m going on a picnic and I’m bringing apples, bananas and Matt Capps– Wait, he just gave up 12 earned runs and hit Valencia in the head with a pickoff throw. Brain freeze! Make it stop! Use the following closers at your own risk.

19. Rafael Betancourt (+2) (Rex Brothers)
20. Javy Guerra (-1) (Kenley Jansen, Matt Guerrier)
21. Grant Balfour (+8) (Brian Fuentes, Faustino De Los Santos)
22. Sean Marshall (-10) (Nick Masset, Aroldis Chapman)
23. Joe Nathan (Mike Adams, Alexi Ogando)
24. Brett Myers (+2) (Wilton Lopez, David Carpenter, Brandon Lyon)
25. Chris Perez (+4) (Vinnie Pestano, Tony Sipp)
26. Jim Johnson (Kevin Gregg, Matt Lindstrom)
27. Matt Thornton (-3) (Jesse Crain, Addison Reed, Will Ohman, Hector Santiago)
28. Matt Capps (Glen Perkins, Jared Burton)
29. Greg Holland/Jonathan Broxton (-19) (Aaron Crow)
30. Brad Lidge/Henry Rodriguez (-27) (Drew Storen, Tyler Clippard, Mitt Romney)

Almost a 11 K/9 in the minors is, uh, Mike Minor.  He major, Kanye.  I hope Roberto Kelly doesn’t come back to visit the Braves because when R. Kelly sees a minor, urine trouble!  So should you play some Gary Glitter if you’re lusting after this Minor?  In 118 2/3 IP this year, he has 144 Ks and 44 walks.  Hello, beautiful.  Want me to continue?  Of course you do.  You’re greedy.  In Triple-A through five starts, his ERA is 1.99 while rocking a .171 BAA.  He probably only has around 7 starts left in his arm this year before the Braves shut him down, but that’s all right, no one has many starts left.  Minor’s a must grab in NL-Only and keepers.  In mixed leagues, I’d grab him for his first start vs. the Astros, then go from there.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Kris Medlen – Medlen’s donezo.  Shut it down, Kris.  He’s about to.  Medlen’s headed for TJ surgery, which is when six drunk frat boys give a horse tranquilizer to– Wait, checking notes.  Ah, that’s Tijuana, not Tommy John.

Kevin Youkilis – Out for the season.  You kinda knew this was coming.  What can you do?  Put on a potato sack and walk into traffic?  Sure, but after that?

Carlos Delgado – He’s got suitors.  Right now, his Mom’s fielding calls while he tries on dresses.  Who really wants to take Delgado’s I-haven’t-played-in-two-years virginity?  Wouldn’t be surprised if he lands with one of the Sox.  Red would be my guess, but the White ones might pull it out.  Means nothing unless he gets hot and you’re crazy desperate.  He’s old and rusty right now.

Jason Bay – Reportedly not close to returning.  That’s more good news from Bay.

James McDonald – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Not that long ago, I liked McDonald.  Then the Dodgers diddled him as they’re wont to do.  Now he’s in the Pirates rotation and there’s no reason they shouldn’t throw him out there every fifth day.  McDonald should K around 8 per nine.  (In the minors, he had a 9+ K-rate in his career.)  His walks can get wonky, but in deep leagues, he’s definitely worth a look.

Joaquin Benoit – 1 IP, 2 ER.  I haven’t had room for many MRs this year.  Been chasing too many saves.  Two days ago, I found room on one team for Benoit.  He had given up only 3 earned runs the entire year.  Until yesterday.  When I was picking up Benoit, a little old lady walked passed my window chanting “Flores para los muertes.” I should’ve known it wasn’t a good sign.

Jhoulys Chacin – Returning to the Rockies rotation.  He’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell.  You can hardly wait!  Yes, you can.  Or can’t.  Whichever one makes more sense.

Roy Oswalt – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  What’s red, gray and all over the strike zone?  Oswalt.  Against a more patient team this would’ve been a very ugly start.  Cust kayin’.

Daisuke Matsuzaka – 8 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks.  It was against the Indians, I shouldn’t have to say more.

Nyjer Morgan – Hits the DL with hip pain.  He hurt it falling on one of Ronnie’s grenades.

Ryan Zimmerman – 2-for-4 with two homers.  After the game, the press couldn’t wait to talk to him about Strasburg.

David Murphy – With Vlad resting for the playoffs just about every other game, Murphy has seen a decent amount of time lately.  In the last ten games, he has three homers and two homers in back-to-back games.  He has 7 homers right now.  I wouldn’t be surprised if ended the year with 15 homers.  He doesn’t face many lefties, so you’ll have platoon him into your fantasy lineup, but I like him.  If it makes you feel better, I grabbed him in one league.

Adrian Beltre – 1-for-4 with his 20th homer and 75th RBI as he bats .336.  How’s this for a nickname for Beltre?  The Contract Killer.

Mike Gonzalez – Came in the 8th inning, gave up a single to the lefty Abreu and was promptly lifted.  The problem, if there is a problem, is Buck Showalter might see Mike Gonzalez and think he’s a LOOGY.  Sometimes old school managers see a lefty and get confused.  For further discussion, see Bobby Cox’s handling of Gonzalez.

Nick Markakis – Sparkakis!  He actually leads the major leagues in doubles which makes me think he might be a sleeper next year.  Doesn’t change how terrible he’s been this year though.

Max Scherzer – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 Ks in a no-decision against the White Sox.  Don’t look now but that’s 11 straight starts where Der Hurler has thrown at least 5 IP and given up no more than 4 runs.  His WHIP will be high until he gets better control but he’s a good option if you need K’s (nearly a K an inning this year).

Kevin Slowey – Masterful for 7 innings against the Rays (0 ER, 2 baserunners) then ol’ Gardy brings him out in the 8th only to give up an Upton HR then load the bases so Mahay can give up a pinch-hit grand slam to Jason Bartlett.  I can picture every fantasy owner seeing him come out for the eighth saying ‘Nooooooo!’ in slowey-mowey.

Russell Martin – Sounds like he’s done for the season.  Too bad, so sad.

Bobby Jenks – You know Ozzie couldn’t have been happy when Jenks gave up a 3 run lead by giving up a two out, 3-run HR to Ryan Raburn.  When Ozzie confronted him about it, Jenks pissed him off further by getting into a sumo wrestling pose instead of donning a mask and putting on tights.

Kila Ka’ahiue – The Good Eyein’ Hawai’ian got himself a place to play.  The Royals traded him?  Nope.  That crazy guy who wanted to kill Matt Stone and Trey Parker put a jihad on the Royals and took over their team?  Nope.  The Royals designated Jose Guillen for assignment.  Holy shizz balls, the Royals are making sense!  Member two months ago when I sat behind you at your computer and kept buzzing you with an electrical current to pick up Ka’aihue?  Don’t make me do it again, my electric bill was outrageous.

J.P. Arencibia was called up by the Buckless Jays.  In Triple-A, Arencibia hit 31 homers in 379 ABs.  That’s-a one spicy prospect!  To go all Latin America on you, there’s a caveat.  That was in the PCL, which is like playing on the moon with an aluminum bat.  He’s not quite the prospect of Wieters, Posey or Carlos Santana, pre-Kalish yelling at him, “Eat everything off your plate!”  I’d pick up Arencibia if you just lost Santana or if you’re just hurting at catcher, in general.  Conservatively, I’d give him 6 homers and a terrible average.  But he’s capable of more and that’s why you grab him.  When we’re dealing with such short sample sizes as the final two months, it’s worth the flyer to see if he surprises with an extended hot streak.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Carlos Zambrano – Will return to the Cubs rotation on Monday vs. the Giants.  Assuming the uneasy truce between Big Z, Derrek Lee and the Gatorade cooler sticks.

Kris Medlen – Left the game with an injury to the ulnar collateral ligament.  That’s longhand for ‘trouble.’  He’s droppable in all mixed leagues.

Carlos Pena – Has a tear in his plantar fascia, which sounds like the color your wife wants to paint the bathroom.  Right now, I’m trying to decide between Warm Khaki and Plantar Fascia for my kitchen. That’s nice, random italicized voice.  Pena hopes to be back by this weekend.  We shall see.  Or not.  Your choice.

David Price – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, but didn’t get the win because Scott Baker decided to show up (8 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks).  Even when Baker isn’t hurting me, he’s hurting me.

Matt Capps – Blew the save yesterday.  Storen was good but young, Clippard was a mess at times, Burnett’s a lefty.  I.e., Capps was pretty secure in Washington.  The Twins are trying to win a division and Rauch casts a very long shadow, which is only partially because he’s eight feet tall.

Carlos Gonzalez – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and two homers.  Go back and read this.  I’m a genius!  (Even though I always need my spellchecker to spell genius.  Genuis just looks better, sioux me.)

Geovany Soto – 3-for-5, 5 RBIs and his 15th homer.  He does it again!

Brett Anderson – 7 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Not sure what his deal was last time out when he was rocked, but so far when Anderson has been healthy, he’s been excellent.  No reason I see that changing.  Health’s the issue, not stuff.

Michael Wuertz – Got the 1-2-3 save.  I might be making this up, but I think this is the first time all year that I’ve grabbed a guy for vulture saves and I actually got a clean save out of it.

Ervin Santana – 3 2/3 IP, 9 ER, 14 baserunners, 4 Ks.  I’ve been Pwnson’d!

Peter Bourjos – 2-for-4 with a steal.  He’s alive with SAGNOF.  On Bill James’ Speed Score, where 5 is average, Bourjos turns it to an 11.  Actually, that’s a lie.  He’s probably a 9.  Carl Crawford leads the majors with an 8.7.  Bourjos just ran into your room, mussed your hair, re-combed it to exactly the same place and left the room before you even noticed.

Luke Scott – Guess what he did again.  Go ahead, guess.  I’ll wait.  Nope, didn’t steal a base.  No, he didn’t hit for the cycle.  No, he didn’t walk your dog for you.  How would he even get in your house?  He homered!  Again.

Alfredo Simon – 1 IP, 1 ER and the save.  I guess Mike G.’s going to be the closer again.  Any day now, Buck.

Justin Masterson – 5 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks vs. the Red Sox.  Nice to see Justin Masterson:  Passive Aggressive Fantasy Starter make another appearance.

Russell Martin – To the DL with a tear in his hip.  I think the same thing happened to Larry King.  Russell Martin may need to wear suspenders.

Vicente Padilla – 9 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks.  I know it’s weird that you should own Padilla, but you really should own Padilla.

Mike Stanton – Hit his 10th homer in 170 ABs.  In 500 ABs, that’s a nice handful of homers.  Not talking this year.  I’m talking 2011.  I cannot wait for Bill James’ Stanton projections in November.  At least 35 homers and 7 steals.

Paul Konerko – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer in the last ten games.  He goes crazy hot or crazy cold.  He’s yes or he’s no.  He’s in or he’s out.  He’s up or he’s down.

Edwin Jackson – 7 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners (only one walk), 6 Ks.  You’d think the Tigers would know to be a little more patient with Jackson.  I still wouldn’t grab Edwin in roto leagues, but he gets the Suckie-O’s next.  That’s a decent gamble in H2H leagues.

Brandon Inge – 3-for-4 in his return to the lineup.  That was quick.  He had a broken bone in his hand and was supposed to miss six weeks.  That was two weeks ago.  If he only had as much ability as he has desire to play or have books read to him.

Adam Dunn – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs, 2 homers.  You can’t spell Big Donkey without donk.  It’s a fact.

Kila Ka’aihue – He got the start.  It’s a celebration, snitches!  He went 1-for-4 with a strikeout.  It’s a bittersweet celebration.  Here’s what Stephen said earlier in the year, “The power is legit.  If given the chance at full playing time, the Royals could have a 25 homer, .400 OBP first baseman/DH.”  And that’s me cutting and pasting Stephen!  I agree, and I like Kila if the peasant Royals play him.  Ka’aihue is a total masher, poi.  Unfortunately, I think the Royals would prefer to play old ‘n dusty Jose Guillen.

Johnny Cueto – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Last year, he was dreckitude in the 2nd half.  This year he had a 5.33 ERA in April and 2.88 since.  He’s in a good divison.  Pittsburgh, Houston… Cards aren’t even that good.  Pujols, Holliday, then ‘Ooh, I’m scared, it’s Jon Jay.’

Juan Francisco – 3-for-5 as he got the start while Rolen rested.  Hard to recommend him in redraft, mixed leagues because he doesn’t have an every day job, but in keepers and NL-Only leagues go to it.

Mike Sweeney – Phillies acquired him for cash from the M’s.  The cash was said to be in the twelve hundred dollar range, but the Phillies used a Bed, Bath & Beyond 20% off coupon, so it came out to less.  Sweeney will play every day at first while Howard mends.  Sweeney’s only for the very³ desperate.

Travis Snider – 0-for-5 as he hit leadoff.  Hey, I’m excited about the prospects of Snider as anyone.  But leadoff?  Really?  Guess Gaston looks at his lineup and sees nine different six hole hitters and pulls a name out of a hat.

Chris Johnson – 1-for-3 with another homer.  Why haven’t you picked him up yet?  Afraid of success?  That’s what your girlfriend says about you behind your back.

J.A. Happ – 1 IP, 7 ER.  The Astros got Jokey Smurf’d.

Phil Hughes – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Has now only pitched past the 6th inning once in his last three starts.  His June ERA was 5.17 and 5.52 in July.  Who else do you have on your team for name recognition?  Glass Chipper?  The Glue Formerly Known As El Caballo?

Derek Jeter – 4-for-4, 3 Runs.  Pretty disappointing year for Jeter.  Blame the ground balls.  He’s at 67% for balls hit on the ground.  The next closest person is Juan Pierre at 61.5%.  No one has come close to leading the league at that high of a percentage since Luis Castillo hit 66% in 2007.  And that’s not even a fair comparison because Castillo hit some fly balls that just didn’t reach the pitcher in the air.

Alex Rodriguez – Became the fastest player to 600 home runs.  Was also the fastest player to frost his tips blonde, to get the names Brandon and Bronson mixed up, to press charges against Selena Roberts, to ask Joba “How’s your Mom?” while she sat in a Nebraska prison, to tell Girardi his braces “are really cool,” to say to Brain Cashman, “Where’s the Cash, man?!” then laugh hysterically and, finally, A-Rod was the fastest player to prematurely ejaculate into Madonna.