Fantasy Baseball Advice

Ryan Madson hit the DL and some Bastardo took over, Broxton is a bastardo and Guerra is getting saves since Kuo can’t watch Lifetime without crying — assuming there are Dodger saves, Rauch was named the closer and Frank² started getting all the saves, Lyon is out for the season and Melancon looks terrible, La Russa changed closers three times since you started reading this run-on sentence, Jordan Walden has been taking pointers from Fernando Rodney and Kevin Gregg actually moved up the ranks.  Brain Freezes, your saves are cheap, but your headaches are senseless.  Anyway, here’s all of the closers for your fantasy baseball team, as of right now:

$12 Salads

You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad? Every time you go there, you have a thoroughly solid meal. No complaints, except you just paid $12 for a salad when you could’ve went to McDonald’s and stuffed you and your woman for ten schmools and had $2 in quarters left over to make the hotel bed vibrate. These closers are $12 salads.

1. Mariano Rivera (+3) (David Robertson, Luis Ayala)
2. Jose Valverde (+3) (Joaquin Benoit, Al Alburquerque)
3. Carlos Marmol (-2) (Sean Marshall)
4. Jonathan Papelbon (-2) (Daniel Bard)
5. Heath Bell (-1) (Mike Adams, Ernesto Frieri)

Donkeycorns

Imagine you’re following a donkey, who’s wearing a wool cap, through a desert for 1700 miles. Why are you following a donkey? Because he promises you something wonderful and you just need to trust him. Does the donkey talk? Yes. Yes, he does talk. So when you and the donkey in the wool cap arrive at his destination, he removes his the wool cap to reveal a horn. The donkey is a unicorn and his gift to you for your trust is saves. These closers are Donkeycorns.

6. Brian Wilson (+5) (Sergio Romo, Jeremy Affeldt)
7. Joel Hanrahan (+8) (Jose Veras, Chris Resop)
8. Chris Perez (+1) (Vinnie Pestano, Tony Sipp, Rafael Perez)
9. Francisco Cordero (+3) (Nick Masset)
10. Huston Street (Matt Lindstrom, Rafael Betancourt)
11. Craig Kimbrel (-5) (Jonny Venters, George Sherrill)
12. John Axford (+1) (Kameron Loe)
13. Leo Nunez (+1) (Steve Cishek, Mike Dunn)
14. Francisco Rodriguez (-6) (Jason Isringhausen, Pedro Beato)
15. J.J. Putz (-8) (David Hernandez)
16. Drew Storen (+2) (Tyler Clippard, Sean Burnett)
17. Kyle Farnsworth (-1) (Joel Peralta, J.P.Howell)
18. Andrew Bailey (+5) (Brian Fuentes, Grant Balfour)
19. Sergio Santos (Matt Thornton, Chris Sale, Jesse Crain)
20. Joakim Soria (+10) (Aaron Crow)
21. Neftali Feliz (-1) (Darren Oliver, Arthur Rhodes)

Brain Freeze

I’m going on a picnic and I’m bringing apples, bananas and Kevin Gregg– Wait, he just gave up 12 earned runs and hit Brian Roberts in the head with a pickoff throw. Brain freeze! Make it stop! Use the following closers at your own risk.

22. Matt Capps (+5) (Joe Nathan, Jose Mijares, Alex Burnett)
23. Kevin Gregg (+2) (Koji Uehara, Mike Gonzalez)
24. Brandon League (+2) (Jamey Wright, David Pauley)
25. Jordan Walden (-4) (Scott Downs)
26. Fernando Salas (-4) (Jason Motte, Mitchell Boggs, Eduardo Sanchez)
27. Mark Melancon (-3) (Wilton Lopez)
28. Frank Francisco (Jon Rauch, Octavio Dotel, Jason Frasor)
29. Javy Guerra (Hong-Chih Kuo, Kenley Jansen)
30. Antonio Bastardo (-12) (Ryan Madson, Michael Stutes, Brad Lidge, Battery Throwing Fan)

The questions have started about Heath Bell getting traded.  I think there’s a good chance it happens.  Well, Hair Lip, there goes his value! Not so fast, random italicized voice.  I guess you have all the answers! Actually, I have questions.  What if he’s traded to the Cards or Angels?  What if Huston Street gets hurt and the Rockies grab Bell?  What if the Mariners gain a few games on the Rangers and become buyers?  What if your boss replaces you with a coyote that was raised by humans and can flip burgers better than you?  Do you see what I’m saying here?  Don’t sell Bell short because of trade rumors.  Lots of things can happen. Anyway, here’s all of the closers for your fantasy baseball team, as of right now:

$12 Salads

You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad? Every time you go there, you have a thoroughly solid meal. No complaints, except you just paid $12 for a salad when you could’ve went to McDonald’s and stuffed you and your woman for ten schmools and had $2 in quarters left over to make the hotel bed vibrate. These closers are $12 salads.

1. Carlos Marmol (+1) (Kerry Wood, Sean Marshall)
2. Jonathan Papelbon (+2) (Daniel Bard)
3. Heath Bell (-2) (Mike Adams, Luke Gregerson, Chad Qualls)
4. Mariano Rivera (-1) (Joba Chamberlain, David Robertson)

Donkeycorns

Imagine you’re following a donkey, who’s wearing a wool cap, through a desert for 1700 miles. Why are you following a donkey? Because he promises you something wonderful and you just need to trust him. Does the donkey talk? Yes. Yes, he does talk. So when you and the donkey in the wool cap arrive at his destination, he removes his the wool cap to reveal a horn. The donkey is a unicorn and his gift to you for your trust is saves. These closers are Donkeycorns.

5. Jose Valverde (Joaquin Benoit, Al Alburquerque)
6. Craig Kimbrel (+1) (Jonny Venters, George Sherrill)
7. J.J. Putz (+1) (David Hernandez, Juan Gutierrez)
8. Francisco Rodriguez (+1) (Jason Isringhausen, Bobby Parnell)
9. Chris Perez (+1) (Tony Sipp, Chad Durbin, Rafael Perez)
10. Huston Street (+1) (Matt Lindstrom, Rafael Betancourt)
11. Brian Wilson (Sergio Romo, Jeremy Affeldt)
12. Francisco Cordero (+1) (Nick Masset)
13. John Axford (+1) (Kameron Loe)
14. Leo Nunez (+1) (Clay Hensley, Edward Mujica)
15. Joel Hanrahan (+1) (Jose Veras, Evan Meek)
16. Kyle Farnsworth (+5) (Joel Peralta, J.P.Howell)
17. Drew Storen (Tyler Clippard, Sean Burnett)
18. Ryan Madson (+10) (Jose Contreras, Antonio Bastardo, Brad Lidge)
19. Sergio Santos (+9) (Chris Sale, Jesse Crain, Matt Thornton)

Brain Freeze

I’m going on a picnic and I’m bringing apples, bananas and Kevin Gregg– Wait, he just gave up 12 earned runs and hit Brian Roberts in the head with a pickoff throw. Brain freeze! Make it stop! Use the following closers at your own risk.

20. Neftali Feliz (+10) (Darren Oliver, Arthur Rhodes)
21. Jordan Walden (-3) (Fernando Rodney, Scott Downs)
22. Fernando Salas (+4) (Eduardo Sanchez, Jason Motte, Ryan Franklin)
23. Andrew Bailey (+1) (Brian Fuentes, Grant Balfour)
24. Mark Melancon (-4) (Wilton Lopez, Brandon Lyon)
25. Kevin Gregg (-3) (Koji Uehara, Mike Gonzalez)
26. Brandon League (-3) (Jamey Wright, David Aardsma)
27. Matt Capps (-3) (Jose Mijares, Alex Burnett, Joe Nathan)
28. Frank Francisco/Jon Rauch/Octavio Dotel (-3) (Jason Frasor)
29. Matt Guerrier/Javy Guerra/Rubby de la Rosa (-2) (Jonathan Broxton, Hong-Chih Kuo)
30. Aaron Crow (-25) (Joakim Soria, The Winner of a Radio Call-In Contest)

Let’s quote the Random Preseason Commenter, “You don’t have Matt Thornton in your top 20 closers?  Hey, Grey, how does it feel to suck at life?  Oh, and while you’re sucking, blow me.  Thank you.”  This isn’t to point out I knew Thornton would be terrible, but to say again how fickle closers are.  He wasn’t in the top 20 because he had very little experience as a closer, and to say he was a lock as an elite closer was absurd.  The whole point with closers is the same as William Goldman’s famous quote regarding Hollywood, “No one knows anything.”  Soria has a 5+ ERA, Mariano’s blown two saves, Brian Wilson has a 9+ ERA and Fernando Rodney… Well, you knew he would suck and he did.  In the preseason, I also said that Ryan Franklin would lose the job.  I didn’t think it would happen that fast, but there ya go.  I have more faith in Mitchell Boggs keeping the job and his accounting firm above water until October than I have in Ryan Madson, but he’s a closer too so he too should be owned.  It’s all about SAGNOF, ya’ll.  Anyway, here’s all of the closers for your fantasy baseball team, as of right now:

$12 Salads

You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad? Every time you go there, you have a thoroughly solid meal. No complaints, except you just paid $12 for a salad when you could’ve went to McDonald’s and stuffed you and your woman for ten schmools and had $2 in quarters left over to make the hotel bed vibrate. These closers are $12 salads.

1. Heath Bell (+1) (Mike Adams, Luke Gregerson, Chad Qualls)
2. Carlos Marmol (+2) (Kerry Wood, Sean Marshall)
3. Mariano Rivera (-2) (Rafael Soriano, Joba Chamberlain)
4. Jonathan Papelbon (+1) (Daniel Bard, Bobby Jenks)
5. Jose Valverde (+1) (Joaquin Benoit, Ryan Perry)

Donkeycorns

Imagine you’re following a donkey, who’s wearing a wool cap, through a desert for 1700 miles. Why are you following a donkey? Because he promises you something wonderful and you just need to trust him. Does the donkey talk? Yes. Yes, he does talk. So when you and the donkey in the wool cap arrive at his destination, he removes his the wool cap to reveal a horn. The donkey is a unicorn and his gift to you for your trust is saves. These closers are Donkeycorns.

6. Joakim Soria (-3) (Aaron Crow, Jeremy Jeffress)
7. Craig Kimbrel (+7) (Jonny Venters, George Sherrill)
8. J.J. Putz (+7) (David Hernandez, Juan Gutierrez)
9. Francisco Rodriguez (Jason Isringhausen, Bobby Parnell)
10. Chris Perez (+2) (Tony Sipp, Chad Durbin, Rafael Perez)
11. Huston Street (+2) (Matt Lindstrom, Rafael Betancourt)
12. Brian Wilson (-5) (Sergio Romo, Jeremy Affeldt)
13. Francisco Cordero (+3) (Aroldis Chapman, Nick Masset)
14. John Axford (-4) (Kameron Loe, Zach Braddock, Takashi Saito)
15. Leo Nunez (+5) (Clay Hensley, Edward Mujica)
16. Joel Hanrahan (+6) (Evan Meek)
17. Drew Storen (+12) (Sean Burnett, Tyler Clippard)
18. Jordan Walden (+6) (Fernando Rodney, Hisanori Takahashi, Scott Downs)

Brain Freeze

I’m going on a picnic and I’m bringing apples, bananas and Kevin Gregg– Wait, he just gave up 12 earned runs and hit Brian Roberts in the head with a pickoff throw. Brain freeze! Make it stop! Use the following closers at your own risk.

19. Brandon Lyon (+4) (Mark Melancon, Wilton Lopez)
20. Matt Capps (-3) (Joe Nathan)
21. Kyle Farnsworth (+8) (Joel Peralta, Jake McGee, J.P.Howell)
22. Kevin Gregg (+3) (Koji Uehara, Mike Gonzalez)
23. Brandon League (+2) (David Aardsma)
24. Brian Fuentes (+4) (Grant Balfour, Andrew Bailey)
25. Jon Rauch/Frank Francisco (+2) (Octavio Dotel, Jason Frasor)
26. Mitchell Boggs (-10) (Jason Motte, Ryan Franklin, Miguel Batista)
27. Jonathan Broxton/Hong-Chih Kuo/Vicente Padilla (-19) (Matt Guerrier, Kenley Jansen)
28. Ryan Madson (-7) (Antonio Bastardo, Jose Contreras, Brad Lidge)
29. Sergio Santos (-19) (Matt Thornton, Chris Sale, Jesse Crain)
30. Darren Oliver (-6) (Arthur Rhodes, Darren O’Day, Neftali Feliz, Anyone With Intimidating Facial Hair)

From 2004 to 2009, no pitcher that doesn’t wear Jackie Robinson’s 42 has been more rock steady in the closer role than Joe Nathan. After winning 12 games coming out of the Giants bullpen in 2003, Nathan took his talents to the Twin Cities, finding himself immediately in the closer role, where he would reel off six consecutive 35-plus save seasons. His WHIP only topped 1.00 once during the stretch — and really, who’s complaing about a 1.02? Because of that sheer dominance, we in the rotosphere expected him to bounce right back to his elite level after missing all of 2010 while recovering from Tommy John surgery.

How wrong we were.

After blowing two consecutive save opportunities, Joe Blows now sits in the bullpen with an 8.44 ERA and 2.06 WHIP next to his name. That’s prodded the Twins to remove him from the closer’s role until he gets back on track. Luckily for the team, they have a guy with four years experience in the ninth inning waiting in the wings to take over. But no matter now well Matt Capps pitches, all Nathan needs to earn his job back is a week or two of his normal sparkling statistics. Fantasy owners left and right are dropping him from their teams; be sure you’re there to pick up the pieces.

What else is going on in The Bottom of the 9th? Let’s take a trip around the league and find out.

Baltimore Orioles – Both Kevin Gregg and Koji Uehara had made four appearances this season heading into Sunday action, with Gregg putting two men on in each inning of work and Uehara only allowing one base runner all season. Despite Uehara’s two-walk scoreless inning yesterday, he looks like the much better reliever, and I’d bank on him leading all Baltimore relievers in saves this season, health willing. Don’t drop Gregg quite yet, but be prepared for a change once Uehara’s back to 100 percent.

Chicago White Sox – The Chicago bullpen is a mess right now with new closer Matt Thornton forgetting how to close out games. He’s 0-2 with no saves this season and the not-so-proud owner of a 3.21 WHIP. Chris Sale has a much better K:BB ratio but nothing to show for it, as his ERA is up to 7.36 after allowing three runs to score without recording an out on Wednesday. I’ve grabbed Sergio Santos in my mono-league; he’s went 8.2 innings without allowing a run this season, striking out 11 while giving up four walks and five hits. He walks his fair share of people but racks up strikeouts. If anything, he can’t be worse than Thornton, right?

Colorado Rockies – Considering they’ve gotten to know Huston Street pretty well, you would think the Rockies would have reservations about using him nine times in a two-week span. Lucky for his owners, Street has brought in six saves during that timeframe before allowing two runs to the Mets a few days ago while recording only one out. Street owners should have Matt Lindstrom’s number in their back pocket for the inevitable trip to the DL (I’ve got May 9th in the pool).

Los Angeles Angels – Fernando Rodney hasn’t allowed a run sine being yanked from the closer role at the beginning of the season, pitching 4.1 scoreless innings and even picking up a surprise save. However, Jordan Walden is doing absolutely nothing to make Mike Scioscia doubt himself for the move, as the youngster has pitched 8.1 scoreless innings while saving three games this season. If that’s not impressive enough, hitters have managed just three hits off Walden in 2011. I’ve picked up Rodney in a few leagues just in case, but Walden looks like he’s here to stay.

St. Louis Cardinals – The hits just keep coming for Ryan Franklin. Literally. He’s now allowed runs in five of his six apperances this year after giving up a walkoff homer to Matt Kemp on Sunday. If Tony LaRussa wants to get any positive performances from Franklin at all this year, he has to stop the bleeding immediately. Jason Motte would get the job if it were up to seniority, but Mitchell Boggs is just killing it right now, racking up a dozen Ks in nine innings while allowing just three hits this year. Throw out the two runs allowed in a three-inning performance to start the season and Boggs has been virtually perfect. He’s worth a pickup for those mining for saves.

Tampa Bay Rays – Sorry, Jake McGee owners, because while your boy has been decidedly ordinary in middle relief this year, Kyle Farnsworth has slammed the door shut three times, allowing one run in 5.1 innings of work. Amazingly, Farnsworth hasn’t walked a guy yet in his seven appearances. Could he be morphing into a quality closer right before our eyes? I’ve ditched McGee where I had him, because he’s a long ways away from earning saves.

Toronto Blue Jays – Frank Francisco has spent the last two-plus weeks on the DL, but he’s expected to rejoin the Blue Jays on Tuesday. Jon Rauch has been solid filling in, posting a 2.70 ERA and 1.20 WHIP while recording three saves. In fact, I would expect Frank Frank to ease his way back, pitching a few times in the middle innings before inheriting closing duties after Rauch is rocked a few times. Keep patiently waiting.

Frank Francisco has a sore pectoral, Dotel has a sore hammy, I have a boo-boo on my finger.  Who’s going to close for the Jays?!  Rauch, and there’s no reason to scream.  Brian Wilson lost his Smile and may miss Opening Day.  Joe Nathan looks like he’s going to be the closer and also like he’ll be nothing like the Joe Nathan of old.  I’d handcapp him with Matt Cuffs… Uh, huh?  It makes me nauseous to write this but we got a hurt Putz.  He should be fine a week or two into the season, so, ya know, still draft him.  Fernando Rodney is going to be the closer and he’s going to be dreadful.  Andrew Bailey has a forearm strain and can never stay healthy.  Same could be said about Lidge, except his pain is in the biceps, or is it bicep?  Neftali wants to start, but I still think he closes.  Though I would love a decision on this.  Kevin Gregg sucks.  Storen may not even make the team the way he’s throwing.  And Franklin is firmly in the closing role which I don’t think lasts.  In other words, it’s the usual closer shizz.  Anyway, here’s all of the closers for your fantasy baseball team, as of right now:

$12 Salads

You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad? Every time you go there, you have a thoroughly solid meal. No complaints, except you just paid $12 for a salad when you could’ve went to McDonald’s and stuffed you and your woman for ten schmools and had $2 in quarters left over to make the hotel bed vibrate. These closers are $12 salads.

1. Mariano Rivera (Rafael Soriano, Joba Chamberlain)
2. Heath Bell (Luke Gregerson, Chad Qualls, Mike Adams, Pat Neshek)
3. Joakim Soria (Robinson Tejeda, Jeremy Jeffress)
4. Carlos Marmol (+1) (Kerry Wood, Sean Marshall, Andrew Cashner)

Donkeycorns

Imagine you’re following a donkey, who’s wearing a wool cap, through a desert for 1700 miles. Why are you following a donkey? Because he promises you something wonderful and you just need to trust him. Does the donkey talk? Yes. Yes, he does talk. So when you and the donkey in the wool cap arrive at his destination, he removes his the wool cap to reveal a horn. The donkey is a unicorn and his gift to you for your trust is saves. These closers are Donkeycorns.

5. Jonathan Papelbon (+1) (Daniel Bard, Bobby Jenks)
6. Jose Valverde (+1) (Joaquin Benoit, Ryan Perry)
7. Brian Wilson (-3) (Sergio Romo, Jeremy Affeldt, Santiago Casilla)
8. Jonathan Broxton (Hong-Chih Kuo, Matt Guerrier, Kenley Jansen)
9. Francisco Rodriguez (+1) (Bobby Parnell, Manny Acosta)
10. John Axford (+1) (Takashi Saito, Zach Braddock)
11. Matt Thornton (+3) (Chris Sale, Jesse Crain)
12. Chris Perez (+2) (Rafael Perez, Tony Sipp)
13. Huston Street (Matt Lindstrom, Rafael Betancourt)
14. Craig Kimbrel (+1) (Jonny Venters, George Sherrill)
15. J.J. Putz (-7) (David Hernandez, Juan Gutierrez)
16. Francisco Cordero (+1) (Aroldis Chapman, Nick Masset)
17. Joe Nathan (+4) (Matt Capps)
18. Ryan Franklin (+4) (Jason Motte, Mitchell Boggs)

Brain Freeze

I’m going on a picnic and I’m bringing apples, bananas and Kevin Gregg– Wait, he just gave up 12 earned runs and hit Brian Roberts in the head with a pickoff throw. Brain freeze! Make it stop! Use the following closers at your own risk.

19. Leo Nunez (+4) (Clay Hensley, Edward Mujica)
20. Brandon Lyon (+3) (Wilton Lopez, Jeff Fulchino)
21. Brad Lidge (Ryan Madson, Jose Contreras, Danys Baez)
22. Joel Hanrahan (Evan Meek)
23. Neftali Feliz (-2) (Alexi Ogando, Mark Lowe, Darren O’Day)
24. Fernando Rodney (-1) (Hisanori Takahashi, Kevin Jepsen, Jordan Walden)
25. Kevin Gregg (Koji Uehara, Mike Gonzalez)
26. Brandon League (+2) (David Aardsma)
27. Jon Rauch (-3) (Frank Francisco, Octavio Dotel, Jason Frasor)
28. Brian Fuentes/Grant Balfour (-15) (Andrew Bailey)
29. Kyle Farnsworth/Jake McGee (+1) (Joel Peralta, J.P.Howell)
30. Drew Storen/Sean Burnett/Tyler Clippard/Todd Coffey/Bill Cosby