Fantasy Baseball Advice

Yesterday, Shane Victorino went 4-for-5, 4 RBIs, 5 Runs scored and his 6th homer.  For anyone who read the roundups last year, you’re probably wondering where my Victorino love went.  Last year, Victorino was my ‘09 Mark Reynolds.  I saw good value in Victorino last year and pushed him on everyone.  Unfortunately, he met expectations, performed well, his value skyrocketed and I don’t have him on any team this year.  This will be the story next year when I rarely mention Reynolds.  I won’t own him because he’ll be drafted too high in 2010.  Alas, the story of the fantasy baseball ‘pert.  Your loves are forever changing.  One year Jeremy Guthrie, the next year Wandy Rodriguez.  Behind the ’stache lies a fickle man!  But I still gots love for Victorino.  My only concern is how low his steals are this year.  Sitting — literally — on 13 steals.  So run.  You’re The Flying Hawaiian for a reason, not The Taro Masher, poi!  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Ryan Howard – The Phils scored 22 runs.  Howard went 1-for-4, no Runs and one RBI.  Ticker Tease!

Jimmy Rollins – 3-for-4, 1 RBI, 4 Runs scored.  Batting near .400 in July.  Let’s not call him fixed yet, but we’re heading in the right direction.

Jayson Werth – Hit his 17th homer yesterday and drove in his 46, 47, 48, 49 and 50th RBIs.  Have I mentioned the Phils scored a lot of runs yesterday?

Cole Hamels – 7 IP, 1 ER, only 2 Ks.  A start against a team that isn’t scoring many runs and is down ten runs after the first inning is a nice place to be pitching from.  This could be the confidence boost Hamels needs moving forward.

Johnny Cueto – 2/3 IP, 9 ER.  The pimple-faced teenager tried to warn you.  I’m thinking it might be hard to Sell him now.  I wouldn’t panic and drop him out of spite.  He won’t be this bad the rest of the year.  In fact, he gets the Mets in Metco next.

Paul Janish – In relief he went, one inning and gave up 6 runs.  He still pitched better than Cueto.

Jonny Gomes – HR yesterday.  Reds face four lefties this week.  Play the matchups, dear Razzball reader.

Randy Johnson – Hit the DL with a case of Old.

Kevin Slowey – He has a strained wrist.  This was the best case scenario.  No, that’s not right. Best case scenario would be he’s healthy… Actually, best case scenario is he was healthy and pitching well.  So the good news is Slowey received the 3rd best best case scenario.

Rick Porcello – Now his spot in the rotation is getting skipped.  Next thing, he’ll be pitching out of the bullpen in August.  Then shutdown in September.  Finally, buying Leyland Camels in March.  It’s the circle of life.

Randy Wells – 6 IP, 2 ER, 4 Ks, no BBs.  Has a 2.48 ERA on the year.  I was worried after his start vs. the Twins when he went 3 2/3 IP and gave 4 runs.  I’m still hestitant about a young pitcher in Wrigley, but he’s done little to not trust him.  Fall backwards into his arms.  He’ll catch you.  At least for another start or two, then we’ll have to reevualate.

Aramis Ramirez – Returned and went 0-for-4.  This is unconfirmed, but Cubs fans are saying he would’ve had four hits, but Bradley forgot to run in front of him.

Jair Jurrjens – 6 IP, 4 ER, one K.  Meesa tinks Jar-Jar’s got a few more of these yawnstipating starts in him.

Willie Bloomquist – Hit his 2nd homer yesterday.  He dedicated the shot to Jay Buhner.

John Smoltz – 6 IP, 5 ER.  I don’t own Smoltz anywhere, because, well, there’s NL fish in the sea, but if I did own him, I’d be concerned.  These weren’t exactly the Gene Tenace A’s he was facing.  He gets the Willie Bloomquist Royals next time out, if that goes poorly, might be time to pull the ripcord.

Orlando Cabrera – Now here’s an exciting name!  He’s hit two homers in the last two games.  Do with that info what you must, but if you ask me if you should pick him up, I’m going to say, “Bleh.”

Brett Anderson – 9 IP, 9 Ks as he two-hit the Sawx.  I still wouldn’t pick him up, but you know what’s fun?  The first three months of any relationship.  Yes, but besides that, the way the A’s call up just about anyone.  Anderson would be pitching in Double-A right now for just about any other organization. No expectations is just another word for nothing left to lose.

Mike Hampton – 7 IP, 1 ER.  Took care of the Pirates yesterday, will get the Nats next time out.  That’s a decent spot start, assuming he doesn’t end up on the DL by this weekend.

Kevin Millwood – 5 IP, 9 ER.  Well, we both knew it was coming.  As my Polish neighbor from my childhood would say, “What can do?”

Josh Hamilton – Returned and went 2-for-4.  See, he does deserve to be in the All-Star Game!

Jarrod Washburn – Threw a one-hitter shutout yesterday vs. the Orioles.  On the positives, showing great command with only 26 walks in 105 1/3 IP and a spacious park.  On the flip side, not a lot of Ks and very little run support.  Potatoes to chips, Washburn is worth a flier if your team is struggling on WHIP.

Franklin Gutierrez – The Big FraGu has been out of his mind lately batting nearly .500 over his last 7 games.   After hitting .304 in June with 4 homers and 3 steals.  Project that out over the entire season and you have numbers The Big FraGu won’t get.  But Schlemiel! Schlimazel!  He’s worth a pickup while he’s hot.

Justin Upton – 1-for-3, HR and steal yesterday.  Was good to see him do something after going into yesterday’s game 0 for his last 18.

Everth Cabrera – 0-for-3 with two steals.  To say he’s lighting the world on fire would be a lie, but SAGNOF!

Albert Pujols – Over at Rotoworld, they referred to Pujols as Prince Albert. (If you look up Prince Albert, it’s perhaps the only Wikipedia page not safe for work.)  Guess when your last name is Pujols, you get used to harsh nicknames.  With a two ball count, Prince Albert gets the head of the bat in the zone and pierces it up the middle.

Josh Hamilton hits the DL and could be out for two months.  I’m not one to say I told you so, but… Man did I call this one!  Schadenfreude, snitches!  Sorry, I had to get that off my chest.  Really, no one could’ve saw this coming…. Except me!  Sorry, hiccup.  Of course, Hamilton’s injured.  He was abusing his body like Pookie for five years of his life.  Hey, great that he’s snuffed out the glue sniffing, but that takes a toll on your body.  Look at Courtney Love.  She’s like 40 years old and she looks older than the 75-year-old guy who turns on the lights for your bowling lane.  Then you throw in the fact Hamilton can’t take painkillers for fear that he might relapse so he’s stuck taking Airborne… Bleh!  All adds up to trouble.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Edinson Volquez – Yesterday, I said, “I wouldn’t be surprised if Volquez ends up back on the DL.” And that’s me quoting me breaking bad news to you again!  Turns out the finger numbness was elbow tenditis.  Pitchers with arm troubles yadda yadda yadda.  It ain’t good, guys and two girls that I know of that read Razzball.  (The Ladies love the ’stache!)  Volquez is not a buy low.  I hope you all listened when I said not to draft him this year.  The Reds are spinning it so it sounds optimistic, saying he should be back in two weeks.  Um, wasn’t that what they said two weeks ago?

Zach Duke – 7 IP, 1 ER vs. the Mets.  Kinda surprised the Mets were able to find nine guys for Duke to face.

Milton Bradley – Fun for all ages strained his calf running to first.  Umpires around the league won’t have to look over their shoulder for the next few days.

Jesus Flores – Gonna be out for the season.  Bummer as the Flores Fan Club was just picking up steam with Randy Flores joining.

Troy Glaus – Swinging a bat next week.  Wasn’t he just about to get shutdown for the season?  Anything to get in the papers… in the papers.  If you have an open DL spot, I’d stash, but expect nothing.

Jordan Schafer – Was demoted for Gregor Blanco.  This one hurt me hard in my Razzball league.  Schafer was leading the world in sucking the first two months of the season.  I’m going to look at Chris Burke next.  Hopefully, Burke sees enough time to prove his invaluability.

David Murphy – 2-for-4, one steal.  I grabbed Murphy in one deep league to fill in while Beltran digs on the swine.  I don’t recommend Murphy for 12 team leagues yet, but deeper leagues can look at him.

Joakim Soria – Returns from the DL.  Not soon enough as Cruz began to sputter.

Asdrubal Cabrera – Left the game with a shoulder injury.  Get well soon, Asdrubal.  Your name makes me giggle.

Evan Longoria – Left the game with a tight hamstring. He’s day-to-day, and should be fine after Tony Parker draws him a nice hot bath.

Randy Wells – 7 IP, 1 ER, and a no-hitter into the bottom of the 7th.  I wonder if he’s related to Dan Haren.

Derrek Lee – HR yesterday. Now has his average up to .253.  I know, big whoop!  But, and I might be alone on this island, I think he’s got a month or two hot streak in him.  Not an insane .400/40 homer-type streak, but a hot one nevertheless.

Roy Halladay – 9 IP, 4 ER, 14 Ks and 133 pitches.  He looks like Howdy Doody, but he’s a machine.  I am Rowdy Halladowdy and I must kill Sarah Connor.

Joe Saunders – 5 1/3, 6 ER.  Saunders is the new blech.

Kelvim Escobar – Will start this Saturday vs. the Tigers.  I have him stashed in one league.  Probably be a game time decision on whether I start him.  It’s not a 12 team league.  I wouldn’t start him there.  Not worth the headache.  Just wait to see how he does the first time out.  Honestly, I don’t have high hopes for him to stay healthy, but he’s worth a flier.  The nice thing about Kelvim Escobar is that when he’s been healthy, he’s been effective.

Alex Rios – HR yesterday.  Now .471 over the last 7 with 2 HRs.  Hey, looks like a little razzing has got Rios running through it.

Rick Porcello – 4 1/3 IP, 3 ER and pulled after 84 pitches.  This doesn’t seem very Leylandian.  Was it bring your grandson to work day for the Tigers?

Matt Joyce – 3 homers now in 5 games.  What, Gabe Gross is going to steal time from him?  I now own him in three leagues.  I lost Gamel, a middle reliever schmohawk and Krispie, respectively.

Ben Zobrist – The verse is, “The Zo hit another homer.”  The refrain is, “Of course, he did.”

Kevin Slowey – He’s now 8-1 after a 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER performance.  Ladies and gentlemen of the comments, I’m just a simple fantasy baseball ‘pert.  I do not understand your ways.  Your world frightens and confuses me, especially when you ask me if you should trade away Slowey.  What I do know is Slowey’s been excellent.

Manny Parra – 4 IP, 10 ER.  I said to Sell him last Friday, so I’m absolved of this.  But in one deep league, where there’s few options, I had Pena, Parra, Peavy and Wolf go yesterday.   That’s 23 earned runs in 11 and two-thirds of an inning.  Instead of buying me a daiquiri, perhaps we should go for cyanide.

Jake Peavy – 1 IP, 4 ER. Had the flu.  A’la Ralph Fiennes, “I pardon you.”

Antonio Bastardo – 6 IP, 1 ER.  If only his first name was Ubaldo, then he’d officially have the most badass name in the history of the planet.  Solid major league debut, but it was against the Padres.  I wouldn’t start him against the Dodgers next time out, but I’d grab him in deep leagues to see how the Bastardo does.

David Hernandez – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER vs. the Mariners and, no, Ichiro didn’t hit 5 solo shots.

Dexter Fowler – Not only has he stopped hitting, but he’s not stealing either.  He has a lot of promise in keepers, but in one year leagues you need to be looking elsewhere.

Miguel Tejada – 4-for-6 and leading the National League in batting.  Here’s a preview of Friday’s Buy/Sell:  Miguel Tejada – Sell.

Vin Mazzaro – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER in his major league debut.  Mazzaro’s from Hackensack, En-Jay.  Fun fact:  That’s where Grey was born.  Betcha he knows where to get a great slice of pizza.  Okay, nostaglia out.  I wouldn’t pick Mazzaro on any team.

Randy Wolf – 6 IP, 5 ER.  He’s been too good up until this point, so I didn’t cut him in any league.  Though I felt like cutting myself.   RIP, Frankie from The Real World: San Diego.  You more compelling than Irene “I’m Crazy From Lyme’s Disease” any day.

Tony Pena – 2/3 IP, 4 ER.  I know Tony Pena.  You, friend, are not him.  Goodbye!

Dan Haren – 7 IP, 3 baserunners, 1 ER, 7 Ks.  After the game, Haren said, “That Tony Pena was an imposter.”

Chad Qualls – Was available last night for the save.  Unfortunately, there was no save.  I’m still looking at you, Pena.

Mark Reynolds – 0-for-4, 2 Ks.  Like clockwork, this guy gets to .260 then he tumbles to .230.  It’s the patented Reynolds Whap.

Raul Ibanez – 2 HRs yesterday.  He don’t need no stinkin’ Citizens Bank.

John Maine – Supposedly, a Mets TV crew member has swine flu and has infected everyone, except Mr. Met.  The Mets said Maine should be cured by Friday.  And, as we know, when you cure the swine, you get prosciutto.  Ah… That never gets old.  Never!  Now don’t forget to tip your waitresses.

Carlos Beltran – Also with Swine.  Now I know how the flappers felt when they thought they lost their shortstop, Arky Vaughan, with Polio in the summer of ‘35.  Grey, see, I’m starting Arky, but Skeeter Newsome is on waivers and I’m in a ten way tie for first in homers with 3.  Should I make the switch, see?

Carlos Zambrano in his own special way welcomed the Cubs new arrival, Jake Fox, with a shizzfit of epic proportions.  Zambrano was ejected for bumping an ump,  I especially enjoyed when the ump ejected him and he then ejected the ump.  I’m out of order? No, YOU’RE out of order!  Somewhere Michael Barrett flinched.  Jake Fox can do it all. And, like Tyra Banks would say, he can do it fiercely.  His Triple-A numbers are 40/17/50/.423 in 40 games with a .503 OBP.  Pretty sick… And that’s sick as in healthy, not sick as in Conor Jackson, Carlos Quentin or Votto.  But will Fox get time to do any of it, you ask.  Let’s see, Soriano, Hoffpauir, Fuku, FU (Bradley), Derrek Lee and Reed Johnson in four spots.  Fox’s only shot for regular playing time is at 3B and there he’d be a butcher.  At 1B/OF, maybe he gets 3 starts a week unless D-Lee gets hurt.  Though you can call D-Lee “DL” at this point, because he’s been about as reliable as a parachute made of bloomers.  As with other rookies, if Fox gets the chance, he could prove successful, so you want to be the one that owns him.  If he fails, then you drop him and take a bat to the Gatorade cooler.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Manny Parra – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 12 baserunners and 5 walks with 6 Ks.  Unfortunately, this is what Parra do.  Until he can get his walks in order, he’s not worth the psoriasis-inducing head scratching.

J.J. Hardy – 3-for-5.  Hey, look who decided to make an appearance.  He’ll hit .250 and get 20+ homers.  If that’s what you need, that’s what he does.

Matt Capps – Said to be returning soon.  Be nice to get one save for all the effort I put in to pick up Grabow in every league.  Throw Grey a bone here, would ya?

Mat Gamel – 0-for-3.  Sticking with the Mat theme, but dropping one T like a bad geisha.  Gamel’s 3rd base eligibility made him especially enticing to me as a cornerman.  But he’s now making me long for Mark Teahen.

Luke Scott – Returned from the DL and hit a HR.  He’ll steal time from Wigginton, which is ironic because they’re basically the same player.  It would be like Mark Reynolds losing time to Chris Davis.  Tomato-tomahto, Orioles.  Find a blahtoon that makes sense to me then we’ll talk.

Nolan Reimold – Game winning homer yesterday.  See, Gamel, that’s how you turn lemons into Country Time.

Brett Myers – Left the game with his hip to be flared.  Again, he really shouldn’t even be on your team.  To avoid future flare-ups, he promises to wear the proper gear when disagreeing with his wife.

Jay Bruce – 2 HRs.  Now has 14 homers and only 29 RBIs.  Sure would be nice if the Reds put some runners on for him.  Maybe Dizzy Votto and his maritime compatriots can get aboard.

B.J. Ryan – For those holding out hope he’s taking over for Downs any moment, he’s given up 4 runs in the last 2 innings.  The Blue Jays are paying him a lot of money so they feel compelled to play him.  You shouldn’t.

Rick Porcello – 6 IP, 2 ER.  His lack of Ks leaves me wanting more, but he’s obviously been decent.  And his last name sounds like a delicious pasta sauce!

Josh Anderson – 4-for-5 while batting lead-off and stealing his 10th base.  SAGNOF!

Oliver Perez – Jerry Manuel said, Perez will need to be in the minors for at least another start because of “knee problems.” Jerry Manuel needs a bar of soap for some “lying problems.”

Adam Dunn – Hit another HR.  Since I traded him for Jose Reyes, he’s hit about five dozen home runs.  Kill me now.  Thank you.

Derek Holland – 5 IP, 5 ER.  Was a terrible matchup, and he gets the Yankees again next time out.

Chien-Ming Wang – Well, lookie-lookie.  2 IP, 2 Ks and zero baserunners.   Now let’s see you do it when you don’t have a seven run lead.

Elvis Andrus – I feel like I haven’t mentioned this enough, but where’s the effin’ steals, doode?  6 steals so far is not enough.  Let’s go, Elvis, boogie.

Kevin Slowey – I don’t own him in any league, but I gladly would.  I like Slowey a lot.  But because I don’t own him, I had no idea of something… He’s got 7 Wins?!  When did this happen?  Some of my teams don’t have 7 Wins.  Why am I fielding questions about whether to start this guy or not (when I invariably say start him)?  He’s 7-1 with a near-4 ERA.   Yeah, I’d start him.

Jered Weaver – Here’s another guy I feel like I keep answering questions about.  He has a 2.36 ERA.  For criminy sakes, start him.

Adrian Gonzalez – Hit his 18th homer yesterday.  Could this be the year we see a 40 homer guy call Petco home? (<–Sounds like something Tim Kurkjian would say while his voice squeaked.)

Bronson Arroyo – Now leads the NL with seven wins.  After the game he played on his guitar his new tune, “I May Suck, But My Wins Say It Ain’t True.”  Actually, pretty catchy.

Randy Johnson – Goes for win number 300 next week against the Nationals.  After he wins that game, I imagine he’ll say something like, “I could’ve won 500 games if they were all this easy.”

Jesse Chavez – 1/3 IP, 2 ER.  Somebody got burned yesterday chasing Saves.  A’la Nelson Muntz, ha ha!

Joe Nelson – 2 IP, 4 ER.  See 1/8 of an inch above.

Ben Zobrist – 2-for-3, and a steal.  Even if you just own him while Reyes gets better, it’s something, no?

Ben Francisco – 3-for-5 with a homer.  He’s 8-for-9 with 5 homers against Andy Sonnanstine.  Maybe he can get glasses made that superimpose Sonnanstine’s jersey on every pitcher.

Russell Branyan – Hit his 11th homer yesterday.  In the offseason of 2010, you’ll be looking at first basemen and you’ll think you should draft Branyan because he had 30 homers in 2009.  No, you shouldn’t.  But you can own him this year.

Adam Kennedy – 0-for-8 in the last two days.  He was hot for about a week, then he remembered who he was.  So my question is, who told my Reyes fill-in that he’s just Adam Kennedy?  I had a good thing going, man!

Emilio Bonifacio – 0-for-5, Just doing a friendly check-in on our favorite April 7th pickup.

Dan Uggla – HR yesterday and 5 homers in the last 10 games.  Not hitting for much average, but you didn’t expect him to do that anyway.

David Ortiz – Hit sixth again.  You know what’s been under reported in all of this?  Who’s now hitting third… J.D. Drew.  Zoinks!

Khalil Greene – It’s been a bad year for the Silent H’s as Khalil heads to the DL with anxiety disorder.  If there’s a bright side to this sad, sad story, maybe the anxiety will cause his ugly-ass hair to fall out.

Well, that didn’t take long.  Rickie Weeks has swine flu in the wrist.  Anything negative health-wise wouldn’t surprise me with Rickie Weeks.  “Coach, Weeks got the black plague.”  “Wasn’t that only spread by rats 600 years ago?”  “Don’t know, Coach.  After Friday’s game, he was with some old broad who had snaggle teeth.  Might’ve been that.”  I wouldn’t be surprised to see this force Weeks to the DL then miss two months of the season because that’s what Weeks do.  It would be too convenient for Bill Hall to go to 2nd and Gamel to fill-in at third.  But offensively it would make more sense than the blahtoon of Counsell and Iribarren.  Anyway, here’s what I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Chris Carpenter – Returning on Wednesday.  I don’t think he gets to the All-Star Break healthy.  If you have Carpenter, you might think about hammering out a deal.  (<–Pun!)

Koji Uehara – 5 IP, 4 ER.  I still believe he’ll be better going forward than most doodes that are on waivers.

Andy Sonnanstine – 5 2/3 IP, 5 ER.  As you probably heard by now, Sonnanstine had to bat 3rd for Longoria because Maddon was wearing his Monsters vs. Aliens 3-D glasses instead of his prescription ones when he made out the lineup card.  So my question is, how long do you think Maddon contemplated just pitching Longoria to keep him in the lineup?

Armando Galarraga – 2/3 IP, 5 ER.   A guy I’d pass over for Koji.  Give him a Stiff-Armando off your team.

Ben Francisco – 2 HRs.  Be(e)n quite the disappointment.  Might be the start of a hot streak though.

Luke Hochevar – 3 1/3 IP, 3 ER.  Walks got to Luke HocheVarErich early as he gave way to the bullpen, including Ravishing Ron Mahay.

Brian Roberts – 4 steals this weekend.  Obviously the spark he needed was being in Friday’s Buy/Sell.  So what’s your excuse Lester?

Pat Burrell – To the DL.  Some fantasy owner’s voodoo doll finally worked.

Matt Holliday – 4-for-4, raising his average to .267, meanwhile, after an 0-for-12 weekend, Cust falls to .262.  Now if Ryan Theriot would return Alexei’s eternal soul, everything will be dandy.

Trevor Cahill – 2 1/3 IP, 7 ER.  You know when I might like this guy?  2010.

Brad Ziegler – 2 IP.  He’s a middle reliever now, in case anyone’s holding out hope…. Or hoping for holds.

Josh Hamilton – 0-for-3 then left the game with a mild groin strain.  This is much better than the extra hot groin strain.

Jordan Zimmermann – 5 IP, 5 ER, 6.35 ERA on the year.  How about dem rookie pitchers?!  (Way off topic, but I had SportsCenter on in the background when I was writing this up and I think Magic Johnson said Kobe didn’t need penetration because he was busy getting his teammates off.  Whoa… Magic.  Family show!)

Chan Ho Park – 1 1/3 IP, 5 ER.  Give Happ the ball!  When I say Happ, you say “Hochevar.”  Hmm… Damn you, subconscious.

Johnny Damon – Hit a game-winning homer yesterday (as if no one heard) and now has 10 homers.  I think he can hit 22 homers on the year and still have lots of value, but he’s not going to hit 35 homers.  The time to sell is… wait for it… here it comes… you know what it’s going to be anyway… but you still want to hear it… so here it is… coming right after this ellipsis… wait, what was I saying… was this about Star Trek?  I saw it and liked it, but “Great?”  Not really.  Oh, and sell Damon now.

Kevin Slowey – 7 2/3 IP, 2 ER.  Probably the number one reason why if I trust a pitcher, I start them just about every time out.  When you start picking and choosing, you get Slowey for three runs in three innings and miss two earned over almost eight innings.

Gavin Floyd – 5 IP, 6 ER.  And this is why I don’t own pitchers who I don’t trust.  I wouldn’t want to start Floyd anywhere.

Aaron Hill – Another homer to bring his total to 11.  I wouldn’t sell him and could see him getting to 30 homers.  Zoinks!

Clayton Kershaw – 7 IP, 1 ER and 1 hit.  I could point you in the direction of Slowey and say the same applies.  And it does.  What I’ll add is, Kershaw needs to cut his walks otherwise he’ll hardly ever see the 7th inning.  Look at yesterday’s game as an example.  He gave up only one hit and he only made it to the 7th.  Pitch Economy 101 as taught by a former employee of AIG…

Chris Coghlan – If anyone’s paying attention to this kinda of stuff (and my guess is everyone is), Coghlan’s batting .167 and sat yesterday.

Juan Pierre – 3-for-5.  Hey, should I sell him high? First of all, random italicized voice, who’s buying a guy who’s on borrowed playing time?  Second, why not just collect the 25 steals he’s going to get in the next month and a half and be done with him?  Rhetorical!

Rich Harden – 6 IP, 4 ER.  Someone asked a very legitimate question about Harden on Friday, “I figured (Harden would be) either dominant or injured…I didn’t expect healthy and mediocre.”  Okay, maybe not a question, per se, but it brings up an interesting point.  Then commenter, Mark, answered with a little taste of brilliance, “(Harden) threw a ton of sliders last year, and this year dropped back to his 2007 level.  He appears to be throwing his changeup more than ever.  Velocity looks pretty good on everything….his fastball’s a good bit slower than it was 2 years ago but no slower than last year.  Here’s the biggie…he’s lost a ton of movement on his slider, particularly along the vertical axis.”  Also, Mark went on to notice that Harden may not be throwing his splitter at all anymore.   This could be the reasoning behind Harden’s mediocrity.  Or not.  But it’s interesting, nevertheless.

David Aardsma – Got the Win yesterday and will get the majority of the saves while Morrow tries to find what he’s looking for where the streets have no names.

Justin Masterson – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER.  Throw out two terrible starts against the Indians and the Rays and he’d be sitting on a very pretty record right now.

David Wright – From what I hear from Joe Morgan, Wright took a long slide yesterday when he was caught stealing.  A long slide.  A real long slide.  See, the problem was the slide was very long.  Too long of a slide.  Joe Morgan sounded like Milli Vanilli when they were caught lipsynching or Raymond Babbitt at the blackjack table.  Say it once, Joe.  We’ll figure it out.

Brad Lidge – Got the save, but, check this, he wasn’t brought into a save situation until after two lefties faced some other doode.  Lidge ain’t off the ledge yet…

Darren O’Day – Got the save yesterday but only because C.J. Wilson got the save the previous two days.  Wilson’s still the fill-in.  I would own Wilson in just about every league except NL-Only ones, cuz then your leaguemates will just mock you.

Shane Robinson/Nick Stavinoha – If you know who either of these two guys are, you have a Willie McGee bobble head and you’re halfway through writing a book titled, “Whiteyball,” that will definitively answer all those crazy Moneyball people.

The Orioles love their ex-Cubbies so they decided to sample some of their Pecan’t Pie rather than just hand the LF job to Nolan Reimold.  As with most of these rookies, a lot depends on starting jobs.  And Reimold doesn’t have one.  Yet.  So who’s blocking Reimold?  Luke Scott?  Who are you, Luke Scott?  A 30-something prospect?  Luke Scott must’ve called Matt Stairs for advice on how to prolong a major league career that should’ve ended years ago.   Go to the DL, Luke.  (He’s not there yet, but maybe if we all hold our breath.  What Razzballers want, Razzballers get!)  Then there’s Felix Pee-ay, who is crap-ay.  He was hurt in yesterday’s game.  Not to mention, many think his ship has already come and gone for prospect status.  If Reimold emerges from this O’s left fielder mess, he’s a slugger who we think could hit for power without costing you too much in the average department.  The nice thing about Reimold compared to a rookie pitcher — say, I don’t know, Hochevar! — is Reimold could slump for a week and only give you a few 0-for-4s, not a 36.00 ERA.  If we had to bet, we’d say the Orioles don’t bring him up in order to avoid giving him ‘Super 2′ status.  Why would we accuse the Orioles of leaving their best available player in the organization for a specific position in AAA?  Anyway, here’s what else we saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Kevin Youkilis – Youuuk can take a spot on the DL.  Thanks Sawx.  Instead of just putting him on the DL with his oblique injury, they kept him on the bench for 7 days before doing it.  Hey man – you might have a bunch of bench spots but us fantasy owners don’t!  The DL stint is backdated so he might only be out for another week or so but oblique injuries can be a wickid pissah of an injury.

Dan Haren – 7 IP, 3 ER.  “Johan, I think I heard Upton whispering to Byrnesie that they were saving their runs for Doug.  No, I’m not being paranoid!  Could you just come over?”

Stephen Drew – Returned from the DL.  Brother J.D. calls to ask, “They can DL you for less than 60 days?”

Ryan Ludwick – Pulled in the 1st inning with a hamstring injury.  That never sounds good.  If he has to go on the DL, LaRussa is down to two in his original 4 man OF rotation (Rasmus, Duncan).  We have a feeling LaRussa is trying to determine which young pitcher will make the better outfielder  – PJ Walters or Mitchell Boggs.

Chien-Ming Wang – 6 shutout innings in Triple-A.  I’ve already picked him up in a deep league (16 teams).  Hey, I had to get rid of Hocevar as quick as possible.  If you have an open DL slot, slide a Wang into it.

Chris Davis – 9th homer of the year and up to .231.  Hello, Mr. Reynolds.  Goodbye, Mr. Reynolds.

B.J. Ryan – Ricciardi said even when Ryan returns, Downs will be his closer.  Yeah, I trust Ricciardi when it comes to B.J.

Carlos Quentin – Out until Friday with a sore heel.  That’ll teach him to break bats with his foot.

Luke Hochevar – I was roofied and violated.  We won’t go into specifics.  But I think I’m done with rookie pitchers.  Wait… Against the A’s?  Really?  Bring back Ponson!  I hate you, Hochevar.  And I’m glad I can’t pronounce your name, it’ll be easier to forget.

Derek Holland – 1.74 ERA on the year as he got his first win.  He’s just working middle relief right now, but he could move into the rotation picture.  Wait, didn’t I just say no more rookie pitchers?  Damn you, Hochevar.

Kevin Slowey – 6 IP, 1 ER.  Great to see Slowey do what he’s supposed to do after Hochevar kicked my teeth in.

Armando Galarraga – 5 2/3, 5 ER. I gotta be honest, it’s nice to see a guy I thought would fail do exactly that.  Sorry, to his owners.  Scharmandofreude!

Manny Parra – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 Ks.  Manny being Parra with the Ks, but not the walks (only 2).  Encouraging…  Oh, wait.  It was the Marlins.  They don’t walk.

Zach Duke – 8 IP, 1 ER.  Has only had two disasters through 7 starts, but he doesn’t strikeout out that many guys so I’m a little weary. His ERA should come up a full run, but it’s only at 2.52, so that’s not that bad.

Matt Capps – 3 baserunners, but worked a scoreless ninth with 2 Ks.

Brad Lidge – Gave up another run.  I’d continue to hold Madson, something seems off with Lidge right now.

Jayson Werth – 4 steals, including one of home.  I didn’t see it, but I have to assume Belisario fell for the ol’ “Hey, look over there!”

Jimmy Rollins – Hit 5th yesterday.  I’m sorry, but is that supposed to break him out of his slump?  By hitting him in the heart of the order instead of the top?  I don’t think this lasts.

Brad Hawpe – 4-for-4 with 1 HR and 5 RBI.  Now at .359 with 5 HR and 25 RBI.  Hawpe has never taken that next step like Holliday and we’d bet the under on .300, 30 HR, and 100 RBI.  While he’ll give you quality numbers, now might be the best time you’ll have to trade him.  He’s an awful fielder and, with Colorado’s OF depth, he should be deemed expendable if they are out of the pennant race come July.

Felipe Paulino – 4 IP, 7 ER.  Looked more like Ronnie Paulino in this start.  While Ronnie’s doing a number two.

Ian Stewart – A solo homer and a grand slam from the 8th spot in the lineup.  He has been struggling mightily and Sonovabenched us in a couple leagues.  He now has 2B/3B eligibility in ESPN (had it already in Yahoo!) and is still 3 games away from OF eligibility.  Hopefully this outburst leads to a couple more OF starts…

Ubaldo Jimenez – 7 IP, 1 ER.  Has now pitched three quality starts in a row.  The only terrible starts of the year (3 of them) were against the Dodgers (twice) and the Cubs.  So if we’re to believe this, he should be a “go pitcher” for his next start against the Pirates.

Daniel Murphy – Could see time at first with Delgado nursing a bad hip.  This doesn’t add a whole lot to his value, since Murphy was a borderline outfielder as it was.  You don’t really want him at 1st.

Joe Mauer – Fourth homer in his tenth game.  Sure does have a lot of *pinkie to mouth* Pauer.  Guess when you only play 80 games a year, you gotta get your stats in while you’re playing.

Delmon Young – .277 on the year with 1 homer and 2 steals.  Wow is this guy yawnstipating.

Conor Jackson – He’s now on the DL with a ‘general illness’ according to new GM AJ Finch.  I got an idea, send him to a “General Hospital.”

Jerry Hairston Jr. – 3-for-7, 3 RBIs and 2 steals in the last two games.  .343 in May with 2 homers.  Rudy snagged him before this mini-hot streak.  Might end tomorrow, but I wouldn’t be surprised if it holds up for another week or so.

Joey Votto – Left the game with dizziness.  I thought in Cincy it was called “Dustiness?”

Frank Francisco – Suffering from bicep tendinitis.  We picked up Wilson in a few leagues.  We’re frankly frankled about it but frankfully Francisco is supposed to be franking it up again in a couple of days.

Jordan Zimmermann – 6 IP, 3 ER.  With 8 Ks, he looked solid outside of two innings (1st and 4th).  But if you can’t beat the Aint’s, who can you beat? The Nats, actually.  But not if you pitch for them.  Conundrum!

Matt Cain – 7 IP, 4 ER.  God forbid I get a Win in a league.  Seriously, what the eff?

Joe Beimel – Almost got the save yesterday for those still torturing themselves with Nats relievers.

Pablo Sandoval – Game winning HR yesterday.  After the game, Pablo said through a translator, “San Francisco is my village and no one will pilfer it, except for I.”  His translator was dressed like a waiter at Medievel Times.  Very weird scene.