Fantasy Baseball Advice

So it comes to this, the final countdown.  Cue Lou Gramm and let that blaze through your head as you listen to that classic from Foreigner.  If you read this in tune with that song, it’s almost like the Dark Side of the Moon/Wizard of Oz experience.  You have to read fast though.   I can’t believe the season is basically over as it seemed to fly by and I guess I missed all the fun.  This week is extended by 3 additional days so basically every pitcher you can think of goes twice during championship week. So there are tons of options and I just pulled my top 15 favorites based on pitching match-up favorability and my general guess work.  So as you read this, pitchers are in order of how they will appear in their first start of the week. Starting with 9/19. Check back mid-week as we will add a contribution for the last couple of games.  Good luck until Thursday.  Questions, comments or rants are greatly accepted.  (Pitchers and matchups will almost certainly occur this week due to teams clinching and whatnot.)

Kevin Millwood (SD vs. Luebke, @Hou vs. Norris) Was the starting pitching version of a pogo stick this year.  Found decent starts finally with his 4th team.  Last 5 starts ERA under 3.20.  Team scores runs, prolly better to score chicks, just my humble opine.

Mike Minor (@Fla vs. Nolasco, @Was vs. Wang) I was trying to get him to jump out of the birthday cake for Grey.  Unfortunately, he has a scheduling conflict.  Jim J. Bullock it is.   Sorry, homey.  Previous 3 starts 3.24 ERA, with some decent strikeout potential.

Jeremy Guthrie (@Bos vs. Lackey, @Det vs. Verlander) Last 5 starts, 2-1 with a 2.53 ERA and 30 K’s.  If his peak value wasn’t before the season started, it may be now when you need him the most. Maybe he was all on board the “Suck for Luck” campaign and forgot that he only plays football.

Jason Vargas (Min vs. Hendriks, Oak vs. McCarthy) Needs the Fister treatment.  No, not that kind of stuff.  Sicko.  A change of scenery makes his numbers look prettier.   Gets beat up once and awhile, but are we scared of the Twins and A’s offensive juggernauts?

Randy Wells (Mil vs. Marcum, @SD vs. Latos) Last 10 starts 6-1 with a 3.15 ERA only downfall is just 38 K’s.  Has pitched a lot better than a lot of sexier names that you prolly already roster over the last 30 days.  Just the facts.  And then Thursday happened and made what I just said irrelevant.

Bud Norris (@Cin vs. Bailey, Col vs. Millwood) I know Morrow gets more love but is 2 more K/9 more important than an uptick of 1.6 in ERA?  Not so much that it would lead to an almost double ownership.  I guess if I played for a loser I would go unnoticed too.

Chris Narveson (@CHC vs. Garza, Pit vs. Ohlendorf)  Starting, bullpen, back to starting.  Brewers will prolly have clinched by his first start.  When you dig deep, is it really horrible to have a pitcher from a winning team as your option?

Dana Eveland (SF vs. Vogelsong, @Ari vs. Hudson)  I could be wrong, but didn’t he star as MacGyver’s bald sidekick?  Getting by on looks, charm and a spoonful of who the heck is this guy? Tiny numbers in first 2 starts, you can roll the dice when I’m done playing click-clack.

Drew Pomeranz (@Hou vs. Myers,  @SF vs. Bumgarner) Features a plus fastball and curve, changeup needs work.  Reminds me a lot of Joe Saunders.  2 decent matchups as he fights for a rotation spot and fantasy formidability next year.

Henderson Alvarez (Ana vs. Santana, @CHW vs. Buehrle) A 3 ERA and a small WHIP from a groundball pitcher is almost as good as Reading Rainbow being back on the air.  Oh, it is.  Righteous.  It’s in a book, so take a look. Sorry got caught up in LeVar Burton’s goodness.

Philip Humber (Cle vs. Gomez, Tor vs. McGowan) Last 2 starts since coming off DL have been better than I expected.  That much needed time off looks like it refueled him for the faux baseball playoffs.

Jake Westbrook (NYM vs. Capuano, @Hou vs. Sosa)  Consistently is a 6 inning 3 ER pitcher, to hope for anything better would be like leaving Santa vegetables instead of cookies and then wonder why all your presents are broken.

Eric Surkamp (@Ari vs. Collmenter, Col vs. White) Man, that Barry Zito contract looks awesome right now.  Low K potential and lack of team run support hurts him some.  Any time I don’t have support I get all saggy, that ad brought to you by Spanx.

Felipe Paulino (@CHW vs. Stewart,  @Min vs. Diamond) We come for the Ks, that is all.  Now dance, monkey, as I turn this organ grinder.  In retrospect, it would be awesome if that monkey could do The Dougie.

Brett Myers (Col vs. Pomeranz, STL vs. Carpenter) Really useful right now, until he starts dating your sister and you’re like, “Wait a second,  I don’t want you dating my sister.”  1 ER in each of his last 4 appearances.  Would have liked to see him dealt to a contender, but there’s always next year.

Mike Carp is hitting .350 since July 1st.  (Thereabouts, I did the math in my head.  At least I think it was my head.  Hmm…)  Carp only has 4 homers, but now has two homers in the last 4 games.  He’s also hit in 11 straight games.  Finally… There’s no finally, isn’t the first three positives enough?  Mama mia, I don’t love Mariner hitters in Safeco.  It’s smothering!  In the minor leagues, he was great but it was in the PCL so divide his power by three and add a negative two.  But while Carp’s hitting, he’s worth an add across most leagues, and not just for pescetarians.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Salvador Perez – Royals catcher prospect was called up.  He has the most surreal pitch signals.  ”Is that a melted clock — oh, a changeup!”

Melky Cabrera – 2-for-3, 5 RBIs and his 14th homer.  Playing centerfield, but his season is totally out of left field.

Johnny Giavotella – 2-for-4, hitting .318 in his short time in the majors.  Now we just need his cheering section to skip the wave and do the Fist Pump.

Arodys Vizcaino - On Tuesday, the lead was Hommy Tanson, yesterday it was Jason Heyward, so I just couldn’t highlight Vizcaino.  I like sweet tea and talking garbled as much as the next guy, but Northerners would’ve started wondering where my allegiances lie.  While Arodys looks like an IM acronym for Red Sox fans, “A-Rod, You Sahck,” he’s a big-time pitching prospect for the Braves.  He breezed through the minor leagues pushing a K-rate over 9, and can be an Aroldis Chapman-type out of the bullpen, but he is crazy young.  With Vizcaino, the Braves now have two minors on the pitching staff.  In all non-keepers, I’d ignore Arodys for now.  His innings are a bit high and the Braves will probably limit him this year.  In dynasty and deep keeper leagues, grab him; he could be special.

Tommy Hanson - Tests show his shoulder is healthy enough for his next start.  His last month of starts show the tests are wrong.

Dan Uggla - 3-for-5, 2 RBIs as he pushed his hitting streak to 31 games.  Or the same number of double takes someone who just woke from a coma would have if they saw he was hitting .224 with a 31 game hitting streak.

Jason Heyward – 0-for-5 with the start as Jose Constanza went 3-for-4 with a steal.  That’ll make things better.

Curtis Granderson – 2-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 30th and 31st homer.  A Curtis hasn’t hit such high notes since Booger Presley played the mean guitar.

Ivan Nova – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 0 Ks.  Solid start, but how do you not strike out anyone?  That’s like a champale supernova.

J.J. Hardy – 4-for-5 with his 21st homer.  Sweet King Martin, Sweet Queen Coretta, Sweet Brother Hardy… Sweet Baby Jesus…

Adam Jones – 3-for-5 with his 21st homer.  Imma let you finish, but J.J. Hardy’s having the best Orioles season this year.

Adam Dunn – 0-for-4 with 3 Ks.  His average is down to .163.  He’s hitting half his weight!

Ubaldo Jimenez – 8 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks.  After his less than adequate first start for the Indians, he’s lucky he turned things around or he would’ve been Uscalpedo.

Jason Kipnis – 5-for-5, 4 runs, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer.  Here’s a good rule of thumb, if I mention a guy in a positive way more than twice in a week, add him.  Kipnis has been mentioned about five times in the last week.

Brett Lawrie – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 2nd homer in his last three games.  Definitely earning his Twitter hashtags.

Josh Willingham – 2-for-5 and his 3rd homer in 3 games.  Ended up on the A’s just because Jonah Hill likes pork, but it’s turning out okay.  While he’s hot, Willingham should be owned everywhere.

Jonathan Sanchez – 4 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Filthy Sanchez is looking a lot more like Port-A-Jon Sanchez.

Anibal Sanchez - 1 2/3 IP, 5 ER.  Should I Put A Diaper On My Fantasy Team Or Are You Done Defecating Sanchez?

Hanley Ramirez – Placed on the DL.  I’m sure he’ll do everything in his power to hurry back.  /sarcasm

Andrew McCutchen – 1-for-1, 4 runs and the delicious slam & legs.  Rudy hit me up on IM surprised to see The Dread Pirate only had 19 steals on the year.  I hit him back that I was surprised A-Gon only had 18 homers.  See, everything said in our IM chats isn’t really that interesting.

Jeff Karstens – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 9 Ks.  His last start (3 1/3 IP, 9 ER) left the cow pie on the window sill too long so the stench probably scared most off from this start.

Derrek Lee – Scratched with a sore hand.  Well, stop scratching with it!

Vance Worley- 4 IP, 6 ER.  A Worley hasn’t been hit so hard since his grandmother Jo Anne got smacked in the face by an errant window on the set of Laugh-In.

Brennan Boesch – Left yesterday’s game with a thumb injury.  So where is thumbkin?  At the hospital getting an MRI.

Alex Cobb – Having season-ending surgery to clear blockage by his rib cage.  Operating on him is a specialist by the name of Eve.

Brandon Phillips – Will miss at least five days as he tweeted yesterday that his elbow looked like a balloon.  Then some clown turned his elbow into a giraffe.

Jay Bruce – 2-for-3 with his 2nd homer in three games.  Prediction:  His end of the year stats will look solid and everyone will forgot that he couldn’t hit the broad side of a barn for two months.

Kevin Millwood – 7 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Less than average starter who will pitch his home games in Coors.  Burp.

Jesus Guzman – 2-for-4, 2 steals.  So what’s your excuse for not picking him up?  You a non-believer?

Chad Billingsley – 4 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners and three unearned runs for the always agita inducing ticker shock.

Dee Gordon – To the DL with a bruised shoulder, which isn’t nearly as tasty as a braised shoulder.

Juan Rivera – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 2nd homer on the Dodgers.  That makes him Dos Rivera.

Matt Kemp – 4-for-5 and his 30th steal.  He could be at 30/30 by the end of August.  He makes me feel like the only girl (in the world).  I’m pretty sure I grasp the use of parentheses as a way to modify, so what’s Only Girl (In the World) without the parentheses?  Only Girl?  ”I wanna hear Only Girl!”  No, that makes no sense.  It should stand alone without the parentheses.  You can Bang a Gong or you can Bang a Gong (Get It On).  You’re forwarding your gong banging.  You are upping your excitement on the gong.  The Reaper is good, (Don’t Fear) The Reaper is adding something.  ”Hey, (Don’t Fear) The Reaper.”  Now I’m at ease.  Only Girl means nothing!  You come for fantasy baseball advice, you stay for Rihanna rants.

Kendrys Morales was so busy running to the DMV to change his name that he will not be ready for the start of the season.  This will give Mark Trumbo an opportunity to get some April at-bats.  You say ho-hum, I say ho-hmm.  Did you see what I did there?  DID YOU!?  Yeah, I’m not sure either.  Trumbo hit 36 home runs in 139 Triple-A games last year.  Sure, that was in the PCL which is like hitting on the moon with an aluminum bat.  Still, 36 homers is nothing to sneeze at unless you’re allergic to power, upside rookies.  In most mixed leagues, Trumbo’s not worth stashing.  But in deeper leagues, I’d absolutely take a flyer that Kendrys has a few more setbacks.  I mean, it’s already taken him way too long to recover.  Who knows?  Maybe Trumbo will Pipp Kendry and mash his way into a regular job.  BTW, with the switch from Kendry to Kendrys, it seems like the “s” that Alexis Rios dropped when he switched to Alex has finally appeared.  Be interesting to see where the “i” shows up at.  I’m guessing there’s going to be a new San Fran outfielder, Cody Rossi.  Anyway, here’s what else is going on in fantasy baseball:

Scott Downs – Broke his toe.  Downs goes… Um, Downs.

Scott Hairston – Sticking with the newly established Scott theme, Beltran is going to start the year on the disabled list.  It’s not official.  I’m Cust kayin’ here.  Right now, I’d put Beltran’s over/under for games played at 100.  So who do the Mets go to, Scott Hairston, Lucas Duda or Willie Harris?  Is this even a question?  In NL-Only leagues, I’d take a flyer on Hairston for a cheap 10/10 season.

Nyjer Morgan – Riggleman is proving himself to be an enemy of fantasy baseballers (<–my mom’s term!).  In center field, he’s leaning towards starting Rick Ankiel with Roger Bernadina backing him up and Nyjer headed to the minors.  That arrangement is the new blech.  At least Nyjer has steals and Bernandina has 15/20 upside.  Ankiel is a high-teen power, terrible average guy.  He’s useless in just about all leagues.  Nyjer has no one to throw a ball at here but himself since he’s currently not hitting well in spring training.

Brian Roberts – Says his back feels great.  I say wait two weeks until his back no longer feels great.

Billy Butler – Did I say pitchers…I meant platters.

Kevin Millwood – You know the gag in Hall Pass where an unattractive girl surrounds herself with lesser attractive girls to make herself look better?  Okay, now picture that when you hear the news that the Yankees went to watch Kevin Millwood pitch then went back and watched Bartolo Colon.

Will Rhymes – Will start the season at 2nd base for the always-injured Carlos Guillen.  Rhymes had 22 steals in the minors last year in 95 games and zero in 54 major league games.  It’s rhyming and stealing!  Not rhyming and sitting on first!  In AL-Only leagues, I’d take a flyer on Rhymes for some SAGNOF.

Andrew Bailey – Dr. Freeze put Bailey on ice until his forearm feels better.  I.e., no one has any idea when Bailey will be healthy.  I’m guessing he’ll save some games from mid-April to mid-May then hit the DL.

Jake Peavy – Sent a text message to the Chicago Tribune that he’ll be able to resume pitching again on Thursday.  He then challenged the beat writer to a game of Words With Friends.

Danny Espinosa – Should be fine after sustaining a bruised foot, which isn’t half as delicious as a braised foot.

Jason Heyward – Turns out his back is sore because he has less cartilage between discs than the average person.  See, nothing about Heyward is average!  Yeah, that sounds bad but don’t think it’s going to be a real problem for a few years.  Not sure why they couldn’t harvest some cartilage from someone else.  Jeff Francoeur, “It’s so great to see some of my old friends in Spring Training…. Yeah, of course I’m open for a deep tissue massage.”  Then the Braves trainer cackles maniacally.

There are two weird trends going on this year. The amount of 1-0 games and the desperate creepiness of Carl “Purple Pie Man” Pavano’s mustache. Both completely weird me out in different ways. Fantasy wise 1-0 games suck, unless you are like me and like to dry hump starting pitching. The Pavano situation is awful. He reminds me of a guy with an endless supply of candy, that drives to the game in a van with an airbrushed wolf howling at the moon under the tinted windows. Just plain creepy. We are oozing to the playoffs with about 4 weeks to go. Now is a better time than never to make every attempt to go 7-3 rather than 5-5. So buck up and start streaming like you own it. Worse case scenario you get “smushed.” Have a look-see at the least likely owned 2 start options for this week of fantasy baseball.

Daniel Hudson (Cin vs. Arroyo) (Col vs. Francis)
His picture may be going in my locker soon. Shows great stuff, I just hope he doesn’t do too well, I don’t want to overpay next year. ERA in the mid 3’s, 6K’s/start. Run to pick him up… Stop, tie your shoe first.

Brad Bergesen (Sea vs. Fister) (Tex vs. Lee)
Huh, a complete game. What the Buck? It actually was a nice game pitched for all 55 people in attendance. Don’t get too excited, he is now done getting complete games for the decade.

Mike Minor (Was vs. Olsen) (ChC vs. Wells)
Future number 3 in the ATL. Decent four pitches, changeup is a plus pitch, seems to short arm it a little. BAA comparable to Jeremy Sowers.  Yeah, I just cancelled my subscription.

Kevin Correia (@ ChC vs. Gorzellany) (@Mil vs. Narveson)
You’re going to say, “Smokey, two road starts for a Padre?” My rebuttal is, they have to show some moxy. They are in a playoff hunt. Check the numbers, he isn’t that great at home either.

Chris Volstad (@Pit vs. McDonald) (Hou vs. Rodriguez)
Is only as good as the Marlins offense. He is 6-8, maybe he rides the pine for the Heat and gets a ring. Half of his wins against the Nats. Which isn’t really helpful info for this week. Previous bad outing vs. the Pie Rats.

Dallas Braden (Tor vs. Morrow) (TB vs. Garza)
2 complete games in last 3. ERA half run better at the home. Morrow may have shot his load, expect a disaster.

Kevin Millwood (Sea vs. French) (Tex vs. Hunter)
Yeah, he is really bad, but Baltimore is hot. Still, far from a safe bet in either game.

Jon Niese (@ Hou vs. Happ) (@Pit vs McDonald)
Fry Pan is pitching well just no run support/bullpen. The Mess are atrocious. He is going to be a good buy low guy with an innings warning next year.

Bronson Arroyo (@ Ari vs. Hudson) (Col vs. Francis)
Still under a 4 ERA for the year with 12 sneaky wins for the contending club. Still hate the pitching motion, looks like a ballerina wearing stirrups.

Hanley Ramirez said he wasn’t lollygagging after the ball.  I see his point.  You can’t chase after the ball.  You kick the ball to the curb, neg it then hope the ball comes back to you.  That’s Pickup Artist Rules 101.  Hanley was benched yesterday and now there’s talk he may get traded.  Fredi said, “We don’t want the game played like that in front of our fans.”  Insert your “There are no Marlin fans” joke here.  I don’t think he’s traded away.  In fact, I think all this shizz blows over in a day or so.  What are the Marlins going to do?  Trade away their best player?  As someone in the audience of Jerry Springer might say, “Pay first month on that puh-lease.”  Fredi Gonzalez will be out of job before Hanley gets traded.  Hanley being Manny and the Marlins will learn to deal with it.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Cameron Maybin – Hit his 2nd homer of the year.  That’s so Maybin!

Grady Sizemore – Had an MRI on his knee.  Know why?  Cause they can’t do an MRI on his bat.

Andre Ethier – Placed on the DL as lispers everywhere mourn.  But his name was Ethier to say! My guess is he’ll miss close to a month.

Shaun Marcum – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Has been incredible so far this year.  ERA at 2.61, WHIP’s at 0.97 as he leads the AL in innings.  He gets the Diamondbacks next in the no-DH, swing-friendly desert.  Yes, please.

Edwin Encarnacion – Hit a home run in his first at-bat back.  He’s fine in deep leagues as a stopgap, but when Snider returns in ten days, Edwin will lose playing time to Bautista.  To paraphrase, you Edwin some, you lose some.

David Price – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  His 1.81 ERA is a bit of a mirage obviously, but he can be a good one for a long time to come.

Trevor Hoffman – Don’t you love when a guy’s ERA and WHIP says INF and INF?  That’s short for infested.  As in, my pitching was fine today except for the Trevor Hoffman infestation.  The Brewers could go to Villanueva or Coffey, in that order.  They should.  Will they is a whole different story.  They may ask Hoffman to go to the Disgraceful List to save face and my ERA and WHIP.   Then again, I can’t believe the Brewers have stuck with Hoffman as long as they have, so really what do I know?  Besides where you live.  That’s me standing behind you.  Hey!

Casey McGehee – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs with his first steal of the year.  Now only 3 RBIs away from leading the NL.  Considering his lineup and where he hits in it, it’s not completely fluky.  That’s assuming RBIs aren’t fluky, of course.

Austin Jackson – 1-for-4, as he bats .329.  His average has now dropped about 50 points since I made him a Sell.  It’s your team, friend.

Carlos Quentin – 3-for-4 with 2 RBIs after getting almost a week off for unsportsmanlike behavior.  You know, not hitting, fielding, running or anything else from his sport.

Andres Torres – 2-for-5 with a homer yesterday, but that’s not his bag.  It’s steals.  Who is he?  He’s the guy who’s playing every day in the Giants outfield while batting 2nd.  So why don’t you know him?  Because he’s 32 years old.  When you don’t know a guy that’s 32, you wonder where he’s been, right?  The minors.  On and off since 1998.  He’ll get exploited soon, but he’s a source of steals while he’s hitting.

Jason Donald – 2-for-3 in his major league debut.  He batted ninth, which makes sense since the Indians have Trevor Crowe and Mark Grudzielmacallit at the top of the order.  Can’t break those two up.  They’re like peas and carrots.  Over boiled, unsalted peas and carrots that you wouldn’t feed to the dog.  In the case of Sooner vs. Later, Jason Donald should move up the order.

Carlos Zambrano – Lou Piniella said, “We moved Zambrano to the bullpen because he had a 7.40 ERA.  He now has 7.07 ERA.  So that worked as well as everything else I’ve done this year.  I am Sweet Lou.  Now pray to my sweetness.”  The preceding wasn’t an exact quote.  So Z’s moving back to the rotation.  Z magnifique?  Nope.  Z adequate?  Yup.  I said I wouldn’t own him in the preseason, ended up drafting him then dropped him.  I’m not rushing out to grab him again.  Z you later!

Luke Scott – Yesterday, he hit his 5th and 6th homers since May 8th.  He has 9 homers overall.  He won’t have value for longer than two or three weeks, so if you want/need power, Scott is providing it right now.  Now go take your emoticons and pick him up.

Corey Patterson – Hit his 2nd homer of the year (he only has, like, 25 ABs).  Patterson’s one of the streakiest hitters out there.  After Luke Scott, of course.  And that, sir, is no slander.  You want slander?  Luke Scott and Corey Patterson usually suck dog balls.

Kevin Millwood – 8 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 7 Ks.  I grabbed him in one league for his two start week. (He gets the Nats in his next start.  It’s a’ight in most H2H leagues.)

Felix Hernandez – 6 IP, 3 ER, 14 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Lately, F-Her has been more like F-Me.  Someone in the comments yesterday mentioned F-Her might be battling a sore back.  It could be since his WHIP is out of control right now.  Not normal for him.

Troy Glaus – Hit his 4th homer in his last seven games.  These waiver wire guys don’t stay hot forever.  Well, except for Jose Bautista and Ty Wigginton.

Kris Medlen – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Actually pitched better than the line shows.  Medlen made only two mistakes and coasted through 5 of 6 innings.

Zack Greinke – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks as he was appropriately enough Greinke’d!

Tyler Clippard – Took the loss as he moves to a 7-3 record.  Starting pitchers who have not missed a start only have 9 starts.  Clippard’s got ten decisions!  Yes, my voice is cracking right now like Tim Kurkjian.

Juan Miranda – The not-so-young Yankee rookie hit a homer yesterday.  After the homer, Miranda doffed his fruit basket to the crowd.  He’s a bit old for prospect status, but if the Yankees slot him in at DH for an extended period of time, he could hit some homers.  Right now, it’s not clear he’ll have every day time.  Fine in AL-Only leagues, I’d wait a bit in mixed leagues.

Miguel Olivo – Left the game after trying to do The Triple Lindy slide into 2nd base.  As of post time, he’s day-to-day.  Somewhere, Chris Iannetta laughs maniacally.

Jhoulys Chacin – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks.  He gets the Royals next and that’s tough to pass up, but after that game I’ll probably say you shouldn’t own him in any mixed leagues.  You’ve been served!

Carlos Lee – 2-for-4 and his 2nd homer in 3 games.  First, Quentin now the other Latino Chuck is clicking.  Don’t think Carlos Lee is anything more than a 25 homer, .270 hitter, but considering how bad he’s been, you’ll take it.

Felipe Lopez – Homered as he hit leadoff.  He’ll probably stay at the top of the order since no one else is hitting on the Cards and La Russa’s not crazy/drunk enough to bat the pitcher leadoff.  Or is he?

Torii Hunter – Now has 2 homers in 2 games.  Must be heating up in Texas aka Coors South.

Jered Weaver – 4 2/3 IP, 7 ER.  I was thinking I should bench him because of Arlington and the Rangers scare me.  Unfortunately, I went with the bold move to start him.  Stupid nads.

C.J. Wilson – 4 1/3 IP, 7 ER.  You had to kinda figure the 1.48 ERA wasn’t gonna hold all year.  If you didn’t, you should read this.  Wilson may quickly become a guy you only want to start on the road.  Am I seeing the future?  Yes.  Enjoy your Beef ‘n Macaroni at lunch.  No, that’s not a hair.  It’s yarn.

Roy Halladay – 9 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks as the Pirates beat him.  Ladies and gentlemen, you’re traveling through another dimension, a dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind; a journey into a wondrous land where Carlos Silva wins his fifth game and the Pirates beat Roy Halladay — Next stop, The Twilight Zone!

Josh Beckett – Left the game with the same back problems that forced him to miss a start earlier in the season.  Chris Berman would diagnose Beckett with “back, back, back” problems.