Fantasy Baseball Advice

I already put my feet on your coffee table while typing up my notes on the September call-up hitters and September call-up pitchers.  Oh, and I didn’t use a coaster for my forty of Colt 45.  Natch!  Not too many surprises in the call-ups.  The peasant Royals are dragging their feet on Mike Moustakas, not calling him up.  What else is new?  Carlos Carrasco was called up and got the start.  Go Indians, it’s your birthday.  I’ll get to Carrasco later on.  I’ll fill in a Mad Libs blurb for Wilson Ramos’ call up.  I’ll even go over J.P. Arencibia in this post.  But who I’m really pumped about getting recalled?  Brandon Allen, the wholesale home run king.  His homers are innnnnnsane!  In Triple-A, he hit 25 homers and .261 with 14 steals.  If you ever saw this kid play, you’d know why I’m so excited.  If you ever saw Kid ‘n Play, you’re awesome.  Yesterday, Brandon Allen hit a grand slam.  Allen can hit 30 homers in the majors right now.  He rocks a solid OBP.  He can chuck in a few steals.  Yes, I love this guy.  In NL-Only and keeper leagues, I’d grab him right now.  In mixed leagues, if you need power, I’d grab Allen if you can bench him on occasion if he doesn’t start.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Psyche!  Before I get into the roundup, we’re giving some love to those of you who are married with a kid or two and risk your wife’s scorn to visit the site.  Here’s a ‘Back to School’ contest where you can win $10,000.  If you win, that’s got to be good for 6 months of non-porn surfing immunity, right?  No, next week I won’t be trying to sell you BRAND NEW ROLECKS (sic) that I won in a Nigerian lottery.  Don’t be so smart.  This was done as a favor to an unnamed contributor.  Anyway II, here’s the roundup:

Barry Enright – 7 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Uncle Barry now has 8 quality starts in his last nine.  He gets the Giants next.  Yes, pick him up.

Ricky Nolasco – The Palm Beach Post, a paper that is packed full of early bird coupons for seniors, announced that Nolasco will get shut down.

Mike Stanton – 2-for-5 with his 15th homer.  I think it might’ve been his first hit since July, but don’t hold me to that.  Stanton looks very streaky in the first months of his career, so he might now go on a 10 homer in 10 game stretch.

Cameron Maybin – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer this week.  My old fave might be finally hitting his stride in the major leagues.  Stay tuned!  Or not, your choice.

Matt Lindstrom – Back from back problems (say that fast 117 times!).  He worked middle relief yesterday and Lyon’s been great in his stead so Lindstrom may not see saves immediately.  After a few appearances by Lindstrom to get back up to speed, they may share saves going forward.  “You want this save?”  “No, you take it.”  “No, you.”  “I’ll take it.”  “Who are you?”  “Wilton Lopez.”  “We don’t know you.”

Nelson Figueroa – 5 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 1 K.  He hasn’t given up more than 2 earned runs in his last four starts.  That’s nice, he’s also 36 years old.  (And he was born on Reggie Jackson’s birthday and my dog’s “I’m not just playing dead, I’m actually dead” day.)  Nelson Figueroa and Dennis Quaid should get together for The Rookie II:  The Winter Leagues.

Hunter Pence – 2-for-2, 3 RBIs and the delicious slam & legs.  Quietly having a decent year.  I wouldn’t mind owning him somewhere.  Hey, I got HP Envy.

Carlos Carrasco – 7 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks.  I’m a fan of Carrasco… If he were on a different team.  If you can start a rookie Indians pitcher in September, nice huevos but I think they might be contaminated.

Jordan Brown – 1-for-4, 1 RBI with the start as LaPorta nurses his hip.  Wubba Wubba Wubba!  It’s Downtown Jordan Brown!  I’ve seen Brown compared to Sean Casey, and that’s not for his conversation skills.  I wouldn’t look at Brown outside of very deep AL-Only leagues.

Chris Sale – Got the save yesterday.  Jenks had worked a few days in a row, so I wouldn’t read too much into this, even if it does appear to be a fire sale on White Sox relievers.  Or is it a *pinkie to mouth* hire Sale?  Then again, you never know with Ozzie.  After each game, Ozzie, Ken Williams and Sharon Osbourne sit at a panel to judge each reliever.  Sharon because she’s used to insane Ozzies.

Manny Ramirez – 1-for-3 in his White Sox debut where he batted fifth and pushed Quentin to the bench.  I think Quentin will still get his ABs.  Andruw Jones really shouldn’t.  Oh, and I’d take live Strasburg on the toilet coverage compared to what ESPN is now doing with Manny.  Guy’s pretty irrelevant at this point, do we really need non-stop Manny coverage?

J.P. Arencibia – DH’d last night (0-for-4), but I’m not confident that arrangement is going to last.  Without an everyday job, he’s not much use for you outside of AL-Only, two catcher or keeper leagues.  In related news, Buck hit a homer yesterday.

Sean Rodriguez – 3-for-3 with a homer and steal.  He has 9 homers, 11 steals and a .264 average in 299 ABs.  I kinda wish they went with him all year instead of Zobrist.  Would’ve been nice to see what he could’ve done.

Desmond Jennings – 0-for-3 as the Rays inserted him right into the two hole (not that two hole, silly).  Zobrist took the bench yesterday.  If you need steals in mixed leagues, you’ll want to add Jennings right now, just in case he sees more ABs than I think he will.  He will definitely see time in the final week of the season when the Rays have their playoff slot locked up.

Freddie Freeman – 0-for-3 as he got called up and the start.  I don’t think today’s start is any indication of playing time.  Grab Freeman in NL-Only and keeper leagues.  In redraft leagues, I wouldn’t bother unless Lee gets hurt.  Though, like Jennings, if the Braves wrap up a playoff spot, Freeman could see time at the end of the year.

Tommy Hanson – 7 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners (1 Hit), 3 Ks vs. the Mets.  Spoiler Alert!  In this afternoon’s borderline starter post, I mention how the Mets are the 2nd worst offense since the All-Star Break.  Brand new Mets, same as the old mess.

Roy Oswalt – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks.  He only gave up one hit to go with 6 walks as he did a better impersonation of Clayton Kershaw than Clayton.

Cliff Lee – Received an injection in his back to relieve some lower back pressure.  The problem late Lee has been stiff Lee?  Supposed Lee.  He says he should make his next start.  I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s bumped a day or two.

Mitch Moreland – Now has two homers in two games.  Cantu will steal time from him vs. lefties and he hasn’t hit for much of anything average-wise lately, but it looks like Moreland’s hot.

Jose Reyes – I read he took BP.  Where, to see the fish they’re killing?  Oh, batting practice!  Yeah, Reyes said he might be able to play this weekend.

Tom Gorzelanny – Last week one of my borderline starters on the Pirates was injured by a comebacker.  This week the Pirates injured Gorzelanny with a comebacker.  I sure hope no one finds out I’m the puppet master behind all of this.  Hmm… Maybe I shouldn’t have mentioned that.  Okay, move on to the next blurb now.

Brett Anderson – 6 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. the Yankees.  Was kinda surprised to see Anderson not owned in 100% of ESPN leagues.  He should be.

Kevin Kouzmanoff – Hit his third homer this week.  Still having a hard time recommending him, but you can take my non-committal recommendation as a recommendation.

Francisco Liriano – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. Max Scherzer’s 9 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Why don’t any of my leagues award no decisions?  I pillaged some seriously good people in a former life for the win karma I have.

Wilson Ramos – Ivan Rodriguez strikes me as a guy who won’t want to take a seat very often for some rookie upstart.  *while chomping a cigar* Yeah, I’m Pudge, see.  And I don’t take no seat for no kid. *removing the cigar*  On a side note, my Pudge nickname wasn’t always ironic.  So in NL-Only keepers, grab Ramos if you must, but unless he’s playing every day, there’s not much here.

Nyjer Morgan – Didn’t you think Nyjer was a good guy up until about two weeks ago when he threw a baseball at a fan?  I love this heel turn.  Too bad Tito Santana had the last laugh.  I mean, Gaby Sanchez.  Hehe, you got hit by a guy with a girl’s name!

Yonder Alonso – Young man, there’s a place you can go.   I said, young man–  Wait, was I typing that?  Alonso’s another great future prospect that you can read about at my call-ups post.  This year, he has no playing time.  I’m sure December Grey will go over all of these guys for 2011.

Aroldis Chapman – 1 IP and his first win.  I imagine it’ll be easy for hitters when they are seeing him more than once in a game.  Right now, I’ll be shocked when someone gets a hit off him.  Call his fastball The Keyser Soze because he throws it and…  Poof, it’s gone.

Ryan Raburn isn’t just some old fashioned name that sounds like a matinee idol from the 40′s.  Grandpa, tell me again about the time you were working as an extra in Hollywood and you stole Angela Lansbury away from Ryan Raburn.  Well, it all started late one night at Musso & Frank’s.  We were all pickled pretty good on Cuba Libres, remember this was before the House Committee on Un-American Activities banned them… So, Raburn hit 2 homers yesterday and is now batting over .400 in the last week and 8 homers in the month of August.  He’s starting every day since the Tigers were hit by injuries and the power is for real.  In his last full year of ABs in the minors, he hit 20 homers.  Last year, 16 homers in 113 games.  The average could bottom out, but with 2nd base eligibility there’s no reason not to take a flier on him.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Rick Porcello – 7 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Has now given up only 4 hits in his last 14 innings.  Okay, I don’t fully trust him, his Ks are just blahtastic.  Neverthehoo!  You can’t deny the type of groove he’s in right now and he gets the Royals next time out.

Jose Valverde – 1 IP, 3 ER.  Kazaam!

Brandon Morrow – After his next start vs. the Yankees, he’ll be shut down.  I blame the Mariners for their inability to settle on a role for Morrow over the previous few years.  He had the best K/9 for starters in the major leagues this year and will almost certainly be coveted by February Grey next year.

Mike Napoli – Was claimed off waivers by the Red Sox.  A deal is supposed to be unlikely.  According to sources, Scioscia’s asking for a family-size bag of Sun Chips.  Sawx are offering a single serving bag.

Brian Fuentes – Traded to the Twins.  Gardenhire went on the record saying that Capps will remain the closer.  Then he broke the record by bringing in Fuentes to close Saturday’s game.  I wouldn’t read too into though.  It was a one-out save vs. a lefty.  Fuentes may see a few saves against lefty-heavy ninth inning lineups, but Capps should get the majority of the saves going forward.

Fernando Rodney – Nothing like getting the closer job on a team that’s selling off its pieces.  Rodney gets no respect, I tell ya.  He’s a Brain Freeze waiting to happen, but, if you need saves, SAGNOF!

Edinson Volquez – Headed to the bullpen as the Reds realized what fantasy owners concluded a few starts ago, Volquez is too unpredictable to start at this stage of the year.  Dusty will have to find someone else to play Paper, Rock, Ulnar Collateral Ligament Reconstruction Surgery Scissors with.

Matt Lindstrom – Back problems haven’t subsided and Lyon could remain the closer for the rest of the year.  Rawr!

Bud Norris – 5 2/3 IP, 5 ER, 11 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Oops upside your head.

Roger Bernadina – 2-for-4 yesterday.  3 homers and 3 steals in his last ten games.  His track record says the speed is there.  (pun point!)  The power hasn’t show up much in his previous years.  Right now, I’d grab him in deep leagues just hoping his hot streak continues.  I wouldn’t bank on it though.

Jay Bruce – 4 homers in his last 3 games.  If I would’ve known all he needed to get hot was for me to tell you to drop him, I would’ve punted him in March.  I never doubted the talent; it was the slump that looked like it was taking Extenze that worried me.  There’s no reason not to give him a 2nd chance if he’s out there on waivers.

Ryan Braun – 4-for-4 with 19th homer.  Cool, now repeat this game every day for the next month and we’ll be cool with each other.

Alcides Escobar – 1-for-4 with his 10th steal.  He’s been on and off one of my teams so many times the elastic is completely shot.  I’m warning you now, I will like him again next year.  There’s 40 steals in those gams.

Trevor Hoffman – Recorded his 8th save.  Axford had pitched the last two games, so I wouldn’t say anything’s changed other than Hoffman’s a few saves away from retirement.

Evan Meek – Was hit with a comebacker and could be out for a few days.  That’s the good news for Hanarahananananan.  He could see some time in the ninth.  And there’s the bad news.

Manny Ramirez – Looks headed to the White Sox.  I can’t tell you how excited I am for this move.  Because, well, I’m not excited.  I don’t own him anywhere.  If I did own him, I’d be slightly more excited.  At least, he should actually play now.  If you got the best possible month from Manny, you’re still not going to get anything you couldn’t grab off waivers in all but the deepest leagues.  Maybe 7 homers and a .350 average in a best case scenario.  More realistically, a few homers and a .300.

Colby Lewis – 5 2/3 IP, 6 ER, 11 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Hasn’t won in over a month and his ERA is up to 3.61.  The K-rate is still purdy, so the Colby cheese hasn’t lost its bite.

Gio Gonzalez – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Was a home schooler for the early months of the season, but his ERA in August is under 2 and is now startable every time out.

Kevin Kouzmanoff – 2-for-5, hit his 2nd homer in three games.  Kouz is one of those players I halfheartedly mention that I can’t even bear to own myself.  And that’s me undercutting what was already a lukewarm recommendation!

Ivan Nova – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks.  As defined by Oxford English Dictionary, a Nova is a star that suddenly becomes much brighter and then gradually returns to its original brightness over a period of weeks.  As defined by Chevy Pimpalas dot com, the Nova is freakin’ awesome.

Marcus Thames – Was in Friday’s Buy, has 5 homers in his last 5 games.  Like Chiquita Banana’s boyfriend, he hits them in bunches.

Jeremy Guthrie – 8 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks vs. the Napoli-less Angels.  Yeah, the “Cutting off Napoli to spite the team” strategy is working good.  Anything that gets Jeff Mathis’ .201, 3 homer bat into the lineup.  Maybe Scioscia should skip Jered Weaver’s turn in the rotation too, so Kazmir can get an extra start.  He’s managing the team like he’s got a deal with that lady from Major League.

Koji Uehara – Got his fourth save yesterday as Buck Showalter gave him the confirmation name, “Closer.”

Carlos Gonzalez – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and two homers.  Aim to please, that’s CarGo’s MotTo.

Stephen Drew – 4-for-5 with his 3rd homer this week.  Yup.

Leo Nunez – 2/3 IP, 3 ER and his 8th blown save.  He needs a lozenge he’s coughed up so many games recently.  He’s surrendered a run in each of his last four starts and 7 of his last ten.  I’d be shocked if the Marlins continue to roll him out there.  I made a speculative grab of Clay Hensley in two leagues.  Jose Veras could also be an option.  Or it may be the dreaded closer by committee.  Don’t these people realize nothing’s better done by committee?  Except jerk seasoning, which is flavor by committee.

Hanley Ramirez – Left yesterday’s game with a bout of lightheadeness.  This is following a severe case of redheadness.  Hanley, you think you can get into the National Association for the Advancement of Gingy People that easily?  The NAAGP has a bumper sticker for you, “Feckless without freckles.”

Chase Utley was placed on the 15-day DL with a sprained thumb and he might need surgery.  This injury opens up a big gaping hole in his owners’ hearts that can only be filled with junk food and hardcore drugs.  Utley may not have been playing his weight in pomade, but at least you had him out there.  At night when you crawled into your Michelob-scented bedsheets, your head hit the pillow knowing that if nothing else Utley was healthy.  Looks like you’re going to have to dust off the “Sounds of the Ocean” CD you used to help you sleep when your wife left you.  Phillies will turn to Wilson Valdez, Juan Catastrophe and Brian Bocock, whose surname is bad enough without me altering it.   Hopefully your options are better.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Placido Polanco – Crapolanco also heads off to the DL.  Too bad because he was leading David Wright in All-Star votes for 3rd base.  Hold on, whaaaaa???  Oh.  Wait, what?  If his vote tally goes up while he’s on the DL, I’m gonna suggest players can’t vote for themselves.

Chris Carpenter – As reported here before I ever read it elsewhere then re-reporting it after I did read it elsewhere, Carp could miss his next start because of the comebacker he took off his forearm.

Albert Pujols – 3-for-4, 5 RBIs and 2 homers.  ESPN dedicated three minutes to Pujols yesterday with only two mentions of Strasburg.

Felipe Lopez – 4-for-5 with a steal and 6 for his last 9.  Worth taking a look at if you lost Pedroia or Utley.

David Freese – Is on ice for 15 days with a sprained right ankle.  Or as doctors call it, “a rankle.”

Dexter Fowler – As Hawpe nurses his ribs back to succulency, the Rockies called up a Razzball favorite, Dexter Fowler.  Fowler still doesn’t have an everyday job in the outfield.  Can the Rockies please ship off Hawpe and Spilborghs?  Fowler has great speed and good on base skills.  If he gets starts, I’ll be more excited.  I still grabbed him in all but one league where I was beat to the punch by Behrens.  Behrens!

Joel Zumaya – Will miss the rest of the season with a displaced fracture of his… It hurts just to type it.  It’s not good.  Let’s move on.

Alfonso Soriano – 2-for-4, 2 homers.  Looked like his Mummy knees were starting to unravel in June (4 homers, .229 this month), but last night was a nice sign of life.  (Of course I was sonavabenched by him last night, but that’s my ulcer.)

Ryan Doumit – 2-for-3 with his 7th homer.  Been Doumit out power since June 5th, but he’s the type to hit them in bunches like a horny monkey.

John Lackey - 7 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks.  That’s cool, I dropped him in a league yesterday.  I’m done with this schmohawk.  You can’t start him at home, in away games he’s taking on the Yanks, Rays and 1927 Blue Jays.  It’s over for Lackey and I.  I should’ve never drafted him to begin with.  Have a nice life, don’t write!

Bill Hall – 1-for-3 and a homer as he filled in for Pedroia.  Hopefully Hall’s brother doesn’t follow the lead of Dustin’s brother, Pedo Pedroia.

Adrian Beltre – 4-for-4 as he hits .349 on the year.  That translates to .270 at Safeco and .220 in a non-contract year.

Carl Crawford – 4-for-5 and a steal as he pulled back on the road after his shoulder issue.

B.J. Upton – Sat out, but the dork in the Buddy Holly glasses said it wasn’t because of his argument with Longoria.  Longoria said, “Yes, it was.”

Roger Bernadina – 1-for-4 with a steal.  Has now hit in nine of his last ten games, though he only has one multi-hit game in there.  He’s making a case for the leadoff spot and has shown some power and speed with 5 homers and 7 steals in 162 ABs while batting near .300.  It’s not spectacular, but in deep leagues it’s worth the flyer.

Joey Votto – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 17th homer.  I <3 Votto.

Mike Leake – 6 IP, 6 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks as the Leake floods your ERA basement.  You guys had a good run.  Get his address and you can write to him when he’s on someone else’s team.

Gavin Floyd – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks. Has now strung together 5 solid starts.

J.J. Putz – Got the save as Jenks continues to be away from the team.  Jenks will return within the next day or so, but this does tell us a bit about what Ozzie is thinking regarding Thornton and Putz.  Worth noting in case Jenks is traded.

Russell Branyan – 1-for-4 as he hit 3rd.  Really?  He’s your three hole hitter?  This is like when you and your lady breakup because you’re a damn fool and thought the new girl would be so much better and let you play your video games and cook for you and laugh at your corny jokes.  Branyan is the new girl, he is not better than the old girl.

Nick Swisher – 2-for-4 with 2 homers.  I almost sat him vs. The Adverb.  Sonavabenching averted.

Phil Hughes – 5 2/3 IP, 6 ER, 12 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Looks like the Hughes Rules in regards to skipping his rotation turn is working as well as the Joba Rules.

Matt LaPorta – Back from the minors only a few games and already homered.  It’s a nice sign.  Those of you hurting for a decent corner infidel will want to keep an eye on LaPorta.  We might have a live one, ya’ll.

Kevin Kouzmanoff – 0 for his last 12.  Yeah, his worth-owning streak might have officially come to a close.

Prince Fielder – He got a little “How’s your father?” in yesterday’s 2nd half hitter post and hit 2 homers yesterday.  And only one of them was a solo shot!

Wilson Betemit – 2-for-4 and is hitting .480 over his 25 ABs this year.  Not getting consistent playing time, but the peasant Royals may want to reconsider that.

Denard Span – 4-for-4, 3 Triples, 2 Runs and 5 RBIs.  Look at Denard Dawg getting it done.  Probably will have a career year for steals in 2010 with the way he’s cut down his caught stealings.

Pat Burrell – 2-for-3 with his 5th homer as he bats .344 so far with the Giants.  Maybe it’s good he’s in San Fran so he can focus on baseball and not girls.  No, not in that way.  He was going through a messy divorce in Tampa and said he was having a hard time focusing.  In San Fran, he can focus on nothing but bats and balls.  No, still not like that.

Clint Barmes – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 6th homer.  Here’s another MI that you can look at if you just lost Utley.  Barmes can give you a couple of ropers while only hurting you in average.

Huston Street – Recorded his first save of the year.  Member when you drafted him and you thought he’d be healthy by mid-April?  Good times!

Manny Ramirez – Left the game with an injured hamstring.  Better get Vladimir Shpunt on the horn!

Matt Kemp – 2-for-4.  Until Manny was hurt, Kemp was out of the starting lineup for the third straight day.  In related Rihanna news, Chris Brown has a new single.

Mike Napoli – Hit his team-leading 14th homer yesterday as the Angels keep trying to shop him for some power.  Can’t make this stuff up.

Leo Nunez – 1 IP, 2 ER as he recorded the newly-coined glossary term, sphinctory.

Brad Lidge – 1 IP, 3 ER.  Lidge now has 5 saves, 2 blown saves and a 5.25 ERA.  Good that he has the closer mentality, because without that intangible he’d be out of a job.

Wilson Valdez – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs as he hit a homer filling in for Utley.  After the game, he met with a youngster named, Wilson Beepee, to assure him his name won’t always elicit jeers.

There’s talk that the M’s might punt their closer, just not in the same way the O’s have.  They’re talking about trading David Aardsma.  Member when the M’s were going to be a contender?  That was a fun two weeks in March.  We were younger, you and I (hey!).  You had more hair (hey-oh!).  Doesn’t it seem like every year the pundits latch their unrealistic expectations on a team?  Member when the Royals were going to win it all in 2009?  My prediction for March darling to June dud team of 2011?  The Nationals.  But they have Strasburg and Zimmerman!  Yeah, and John Lannan and that doode you don’t know who plays every other position.  So, Brandon League would take over the job if Aardsma is moved.  I grabbed League where I could because, well, I’m a save vulture, swooping down on closer carcasses any chance I get.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jarrett Hoffpauir – Was called up by the Blue Kays.  He was hitting the ball around pretty good in Las Vegas (in 259 plate appearances, only struckout 15 times and hit 9 long balls).  But what happens in Vegas, well, you know.  Right now, I don’t think our neighbor to the north gives Hoffpauir every day duty (hehe, that sounds like doodie).  I think they move Fred Lewis into the lineup and start Bautista at 3rd base in Edwin Encarnacion’s vacated turd hole he was filling.  Hoffpauir’s worth a lookie-see in AL-Only leagues, since he has 2nd base eligibility in ESPN leagues.

Edwin Encarnacion – Oh, and he’s gone in case you didn’t pick up the above context clue about vacated turd holes.

Everth Cabrera – Could return as soon as Friday after going 0-for-3 with a strikeout and two grounders.  Yup, he’s in game shape!

Mark Reynolds – 1-for-2 with his 17th homer and 4th steal.  For Mini Donkey, today was a good bray.

Justin Upton – 3-for-3, 2 homers, a steal, 4 Runs, 4 RBIs and one old lady saved from the right field pool.  J-Upside, it’s good to see you.

Adam LaRoche – 1-for-4 and a three-run homer.  The clock struck the summer solstice yesterday and LaRoche turned it on.  May sours, June swoon.

Gio Gonzalez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks in Oakland.  Gio’s becoming a bit of a homebody with his splits.  Over 5 ERA on the road and under 3 at home.  That makes his next start at home vs. Pittsburgh look real nice.

Kevin Kouzmanoff – 2-for-4 with his 8th homer.  If you want to own Kouz, now would be the time.  Actually, yesterday would’ve been– Well, you get the drift.

Cristian Guzman – 1-for-3 with his first homer.  In other news, there wasn’t a whole lot of baseball games yesterday to talk about.

Carlos Beltran – Reports are coming back that he could begin a minor league assignment within the next week.  That means the New York hype machine about Beltran returning should pickup soon giving you a chance to sell him.

Coco Crisp – Could return this Friday from the DL, but he’s become very injury-prone of late, so tread carefully.  I.e. Coco beware.

Scott Podsednik – 4-for-4 with no runs and no RBIs.  Ah, the joys of being a Royals leadoff hitter.  Some guys who have more runs on the year:  Juan Rivera, J.D. Drew, Aubrey Huff and Adam Dunn.

Mike Aviles – 3-for-4 as he continues to Charley Lau the ball all over the field, hitting near .400 over the last week.  A small nugget to store in the “Read Then Discard” section of your medulla oblongata is how he can’t hit lefties.

Bruce Chen – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks and his 84 MPH fastball battled Livan Hernandez (7 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks) and his 82 MPH as National Radar Gun Day was observed in Washington.  Hope the radar guns did something fun on their day off.

A.J. Burnett – 4 IP, 7 ER, 11 baserunners, 4 Ks.  [sarcastic] Good to see his K-rate bounce back. [/sarcastic]  There’s reports that his foot is bothering him, some are theorizing he’s tipping his curveball or just not locating it properly.  For those that like why’s, awesome.  All I know is this guy wasn’t just bad last night, he’s been terrifically bad for the majority of his starts.  I wouldn’t be surprised to see him get sent to the Disgraceful List.  Either way, I’m not starting him in any league for at least one start and probably more.

Phil Hughes – Will be skipped in the rotation as the Yankees try to limit his innings.  Though they should probably limit Burnett’s innings.  I’d expect more of Hughes getting skipped in September as they prepare for the playoffs.  On the scale of no-likey for H2H, that’s about an 8.

Brett Gardner – 4-for-4, 2 Runs and his 23rd steal while hitting 8th.  Yesterday, Jayson Stark said Gardner is on pace for more Runs than any other player in history who has the majority of their ABs from the 8 hole or lower.  Actually, he didn’t say that.  He did say, “Kurkjian, stop your screeching!  I’m hungover.”

In case you were on a three day bender with Michael Madsen, Troy Tulowitzki will miss up to 8 weeks with a broken wrist.  It’s old news by now, but sometimes you just wanna know what Grey has to say.  Hey, hey, hey.  Wrists are tricky things for hitters.  I wouldn’t be surprised if Tulo returns in August and doesn’t start hitting well until September.  If you own him, there’s nothing you can do but sit on him.  Not literally, unless you have his permission.  I wouldn’t trade for him, unless it’s a keeper and you’re rebuilding for next year and can get him for cheap now that he’s out.  The Rockies called up Chris Nelson, but he just looks like infielder depth while SS and 2nd base get manned by Clint Barmes and Jonathan Herrera, who sounds like a fashion designer, so if you hear someone say, “Nice glove work by Jonathan Herrera!”  You tell them it’s a knockoff.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Manny Corpas – 0 IP, 5 ER.  Corpas Christi!  The last two days this guy left my ratios looking like a Port Authority toilet.  Huston Street gets activated on Tuesday, but Tracy says he’s going to ease Street back into role.  Since I own Corpas and not Street on several teams, I’m not sure if I want Street to become the closer sooner or later.  Also, for Street owners, if Tracy doesn’t get Street back into the role in short order, he may end up injured again before recording a save.  Cust kayin’.

Mike Stanton – 1-for-4 with a steal and 2 Ks.  Has 19 Ks in 11 games while batting .233.  He will be every bit the mollywhopping, pony stick waving phenom that he was billed, but there is obviously going to be some strikeout/average growing pains, Mike Seaver.

Gaby Sanchez – 2-for-4, hitting .320 over the last week and .290 on the year.  He’s walking that line between yawnstipating in mixed leagues and a very valuable NL-Only corner man.

Josh Johnson – 8 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Now has an ERA of 1.80.  If it wasn’t for Ubaldo’s silly season thus far, all eyes would be on Josh Johnson.  He has a lower WHIP and FIP than Ubaldo and a higher K/9.  Yes, I’m doing my best to point out Johnson has been better than Ubaldo.  Too bad only Keith Law will vote for him.

Hanley Ramirez – Sat out due to a sore hamstring.  Or as they call it in the Marlins’ clubhouse, “An excuse to not hustle.”

Jake Arrieta – 3 IP, 5 ER, 8 baserunners, 0 Ks as he roofied his owners.

Kris Medlen – It’s looking promising for Medlen to stay in the rotation and Kawakami to move to the bullpen.  Booyakami!

Carl Pavano – 9 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 2 Ks as he beat Roy Halladay (8 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners, 8 Ks)  In related news, water is dry.

Chase Utley – 6 for his last 14 with a homer and 7 RBIs since he denied that his knee was bothering him as Davey Lopes said.  The charge that his knee was hurting him may have sparked him to prove the naysayers nay.  Here’s how I think it went down.  Manuel knew that if a coach said Utley had a knee injury, Utley’s pomade would get all bent out of shape and start hitting, so Lopes jumped on the grenade.  Either that or Lopes is a jackoff.

Matt Holliday – 2 homers and four in his last 3 games.  When I saw his recent outburst, the first thing I did was look to see when he started hitting last year.  It was around mid-July.  So you drafted him in the 2nd round this year and he didn’t start hitting for another three weeks last year.  Seems like you owe Holliday an apology.

Kevin Kouzmanoff – 4-for-4 with his 7th homer.  Another Billy Beane success story!  Too bad he’s surrounded by Ryan Sweeney, Daric “Don’t Call Me Clara” Barton, Adam “Don’t Call Me Adam Rosales” Rosales and Landon “Not Quite As Good As Landon from the RR/RW Challenge” Powell.

Jason Bourgeois – Was called up by the Astros.  Not a fresh name at 28-years-old, but Bourgeois has the means of production to steal bases like a pig.  But he may not get the at-bats to do it yet since he’ll have to fill-in and work many jobs as the utility outfielder.  How proletariat of him.

Jason Castro – Was also called up by the Astros.  Yesterday, Ed Wade’s toupee said, “You know what this club is missing?  More Jasons!”  Seems like Castro is being rushed.  In Triple-A, he had a .278 average and 4 homers since May 1st.  In other words, we’re probably a year away from renaming the club, the Houston Castros.  In keeper NL-Only leagues, I could see sitting on him if you’re not getting any catcher production, since Castro will be the starter.  Oh, and now that Castro and Bourgeois are called up the same day, Pence may have to put his last name in a kitty to be divided up equally.

Chris Johnson – Finally, the most interesting name of the recent fresh-faced Astros.  Since May 8th when he was activated from the DL, he hit .329 with 8 homers.  He’ll supplant Peter Happy for the majority of the playing time at 3rd base, but not all of it yet.  I’d wait and see in mixed leagues, but in NL-Only leagues I’d grab him and hope he blows Happy’s production out of the water and becomes the every day starter.

Felipe Paulino – 6 IP, 2 ER, 12 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Only two walks, which is nice, but he’s so unpredictable it makes it hard to recommend him in mixed leagues.  For NL-Only, he’s a difference maker type guy.

Brett Anderson – He’s due back after the All-Star break, if there’s no setbacks.  That “if” has its own zip code.

Carlos Zambrano – 7 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Now has back-to-back solid starts after Piniella tried to self-sabotage his team with the failed bullpen experiment.  If Big Z’s on your waivers, I’d give him a shot in certain 12 team mixed leagues and deeper.

Brian Fuentes – 2/3 IP, 3 ER.  Kazaam!

Justin Masterson – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks.  He gets the Reds next.  My crystal ball says he’ll strikeout 10 and only give up 1 earned run…. Or he’ll give up 8 earned and be removed in the 3rd inning.  I should’ve sprung for the crystal ball that narrows choices down to one.

Carlos Santana – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer.  Buster Posey who?

Pedro Alvarez – 0-for-3 and batting .063 so far.  Pedro Alvarez who?  Really early to be writing him off, I’d give him another week in mixed leagues.  If you can, give him the week on your bench.  To the bench, Smashbuckler!

J.J. Putz – Picked up the save due to Jenks feeling jenky and Matt Thornton pitching in the 8th.  Guillen said Jenks will be fine, but you can grab Putz (hehe) or Thornton, if you’re really hurting for saves.

Billy Wagner – Got his 14th save.  I usually don’t mention closers unless they’re losing their job, but Wagner’s looking like a $12 Salad.  In 29 1/3 innings, 5-0/1.23/0.99/43.  Pretty incredible year so far.

Jonathan Sanchez – 2 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks as he tied his owners to the WHIPping post.  Hopefully, he straightens himself out quickly because I own him in every league.  Yes, this is about me.

Aubrey Huff – Hit his 12th homer.  Meanwhile, Pat Burrell hit his 3rd.  I’m sure this is not the first time they hit four-baggers on the same day.

John Maine – Looks like the Mets will shut him down.  Too bad, so sad.

Max Scherzer – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Now three starts away from his last shelling, and 5 of 6 solid starts since he returned.  Right now, he looks about as safe as he’s going to look.

Rick Porcello – Sent to Triple-A Toledo as the Tigers hope for a repeat of their Scherzer demotion magic.  If they can fix whatever ails Porcello, pitchers from all over may take a pilgrimage to bathe in that holy Toledo water.

Julio Borbon – 4-for-5 from the leadoff spot.  That is all.  Literally.  No steals.  I do think the training wheels come off him and he starts taking some extra bases.

Josh Hamilton – 5-for-6, now batting .337 on the year with 16 homers.  Man, I stepped in a big pile of juju with this guy.  Let me now apologize for ragging on you, Hamilton, for the last two years.  Maybe we can go get an O’Doul’s some time.  My treat.

Ian Kinsler – 2-for-4 and two steals before Davey Lopes can say anything about his ankle.

Alex Rodriguez – Him and Posada will probably miss a few games this week with no DH at the Yankees’ disposal.  How awesome would it be if Kevin Russo shows up at the LA game with Kate Hudson on his arm?

Mark Teixeira – 1-for-3, 4 RBIs with a homer in his 2nd game in a row.  Looks like Tex called up his July talent a week early and will risk losing it to arbitration a year early.