Fantasy Baseball Advice

$12 Salads

You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad? Every time you go there, you have a thoroughly solid meal. No complaints, except you just paid $12 for a salad when you could’ve went to McDonald’s and stuffed you and your woman for $10 schmools and had $2 in quarters left over to make the hotel bed vibrate. These closers are $12 salads.

1. Joe Nathan, MIN (Matt Guerrier, Dennys Reyes, Jesse Crain)
2. Jonathan Papelbon, BOS (Hideki Okajima)
3. Francisco Rodriguez, LAA (Scot Shields, Jose Arredondo, Justin Speier)
4. Mariano Rivera, NYY (Jose Veras, Damaso Marte)
5. Brad Lidge, PHI (Chad Durbin, Ryan Madson)
6. Joakim Soria, KAN (Ramon Ramirez)

Donkey-corns

Imagine you’re following a donkey, who’s wearing a wool cap, through a desert for 1700 miles. Why are you following a donkey? Because he promises you something wonderful and you just need to trust him. Does the donkey talk? Yes. Yes, he does talk. So when you and the donkey in the wool cap arrive at his destination he removes his the wool cap to reveal a horn. The donkey is a unicorn and his gift to you for your trust is saves. These closers are Donkey-corns.

7. Kevin Gregg, FLA (Renyel Pinto, Matt Lindstrom)
8. Francisco Cordero, CIN (Jared Burton, David Weathers)
9. Salomon Torres, MIL (Eric Gagne, Guillermo Mota)
10. Brian Wilson, SAN (Tyler Walker)
11. Brandon Lyon, ARI (Jon Rauch, Tony Pena, Chad Qualls)
12. Jonathan Broxton, LAD (Hong-Chih Kuo)
13. Jose Valverde, HOU (Doug Brocail)
14. George Sherrill, BAL (Fernando Cabrera/Jamie Walker/Jim Johnson)
15. Brian Fuentes, COL (Manny Corpas, Taylor Buchholz)
16. B.J. Ryan, TOR (Scott Downs)
17. Bobby Jenks, CHW (Octavio Dotel, Scott Linebrink, Matt Thornton)
18. Trevor Hoffman, SDG (Heath Bell)

BRAIN FREEZE

I’m going to a picnic and I’m bringing apples, bananas and C.J. Wilson– Wait, he just gave up 12 earned runs and hit Kinsler in the head with a pickoff throw. Brain freeze! Make it stop! Use the following closers at your own risk.

19. Carlos Marmol/Kerry Wood, CHI (Bob Howry, Jeff Samardzija)
20. Billy Wagner, NYM (Eddie Kunz, Aaron Heilman, Duaner Sanchez)
21. Huston Street, OAK (Santiago Casilla, Brad Ziegler, Alan Embree, Joey Devine)
22. Troy Percival, TAM (Dan Wheeler, Grant Balfour, J.P. Howell, Al Reyes)
23. Mike Gonzalez, ATL (Rafael Soriano, Blaine Boyer, Will Ohman)
24. Brandon Morrow/J.J. Putz, SEA (Sean Green)
25. Fernando Rodney, DET (Kyle Farnsworth, Joel Zumaya)
26. Masa Kobayashi/Rafael Perez, CLE (Rafael Betancourt)
27. Chris Perez, STL (Kyle McClellan, Ryan Franklin)
28. Joel Hanrahan, WAS (Luis Ayala, Saul Rivera)
29. C.J. Wilson/Eddie Guardado, TEX (Joaquin Benoit)
30. Tyler Yates/John Grabow/Denny Bautista/Corky Thatcher, PIT

Harnessing the pitching brilliance of Native Americans and intergalactic tubbies, Joba Chamberlain appeared to be the savior the Yankee fans, Girardi and Hankenstein needed for their pitching staff. So it was a terrific blow when Joba Chamberlain left yesterday’s game rubbing his shoulder. The only thing worse would be if Joba hurt it in a fight with The Drunken Ghost of Billy Martin. (Fortunately, he’s in a cloud lined with sawdust, boozing it up with Mickey Mantle.) Fantasy baseball owners can’t be thrilled either. Pitcher leaves game rubbing shoulder? Fantasy baseball owner leaves seat walking funny. It’s too bad they can’t trade for Jar Jar on the Braves. Anyway, here’s what else we saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Cliff Lee - I figured since I hadn’t watched him in over two months, it was time to jinx him. I was so close in the 2nd when I got him to walk a few and load the bases. Alas, he pitched well in every other inning. Never fear, non-Cliff Lee owners, I will grab him like some friggin’ floating astronaut and drag him back to earth.

C.J. Wilson - Wilson says he’s feeling fatigued, maybe he got mono from a Kotchman open-mouth kiss. Either way, Eddie Guardado should be owned in all leagues because he would step in if C.J. pulls a Prince Valium.

Jason Bartlett - Won’t be able to throw a baseball for a few days, maybe Kotchman kissed his hand.

Kerry Wood - Word out of Wrigleyville is Wood can close again, but he’s going to get a bit of work in the middle innings then move into the closing role by the end of the week.

Gil Meche - Everyone mocked KC for signing him to that ridiculous contract but who’s dancing now.  That’s right.  Good ol’ Gil.  9 Ks in a 6 IP win against the Sox.  10-9 for an awful team - including 9-5 with a 3.27 ERA since May.

Ryan Zimmerman - Zimmerman says he should be able to avoid the DL with his bruised hand, so he can just clog up your bench instead.

Eric Chavez - Shut down for the year.  Maybe they could build a healthy 3B out of the spare parts of Chavez and Blalock?  Those A’s don’t have a long shelf life, do they?  Mulder, Hudson, Chavez, Byrnes… Who’d have thought Harden and Giambi would be the poster children of durability?

Jay Bruce - 3 HRs in 4 games.  That’s the Bruce we know and love.  He obviously idolized Griffey Jr. and was emulating the current version.  Now that he’s out of Cincy, he’s back to emulating the 90’s version.

Bronson Arroyo - 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 Ks.  This on the heels of Zito besting Peavy yesterday.  Guess it’s premature for both to retire and start a rock trio with Slow Hand Pete called Baked Zito and the Republic of Bro-Yo, featuring Slow Hand Pete.

Roy Halladay - 8 IP, 1 ER. Queue the projector.  It’s time for another installment of Out of Contention Run For Cy Young in Toronto. (see Clemens, Hentgen, Halladay…)

Tyler Yates - Third of an inning, 5 ER. This works out to a 135 ERA, 15 WHIP and 1 less closer on all of my teams.

Manny Parra/Prince Fielder - Hit hard by the Reds, hit harder by Fielder in the dugout. I haven’t seen anything this lopsided since Andre took on this guy. “Stop talking about meat and I mean it!”

Monday night as I wrote the roundup, I was looking around my waiver wire for possible saves. I saw Taylor Buchholz and I began to think about how likely it would be for Fuentes to get traded. The Rockies are in a division that may only need a .500 record to win it. Why are they sellers? Holliday, Fuentes? I guess it could happen, but I don’t see it. Then I came across the crapfecta of Ayala, Hanrahan and Saul Rivera. Why couldn’t Rauch be traded? Because Chad Cordero was never traded those years the Nats floundered? Didn’t seem like enough of a reason. So I turned on my giant brain and decided Luis Ayala was going to be the next Nats closer. (Maybe you remember the last time I turned on my giant brain I killed Sydney Pollack.) Well, wouldn’t you know it, Rauch was traded and Ayala became the new closer– Zoinks! Okay, Ayala may not be the closer, but here’s my reasoning why he will be the guy. (Since I deduced this using my giant brain, you may not understand my logic. Feel free to skip ahead. Those with a heart condition or pregnant women should not try and follow along.) Ayala was the setup man and Hanrahan was pitching a few innings at a time. Crazy, right?! I know! Maybe Hanrahan does move into the closer role because he’s been better of late, but clubs don’t usually make decisions that make sense (Wolf goes to the Astros!). Neither guy (or Saul Rivera) should be invested in too heavily. Rauch nailed down only 2 saves this past month and 17 saves in almost 2/3 of the season. We could be looking at 3 guys splitting up 10 saves. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Shaun Marcum - He returned from his elbow injury and gave up six earned runs in 4 2/3. The good news is, he didn’t give up seven earned runs. I’ve been saying I didn’t want him anymore when he first went on the DL.

Mark Buehrle - 7.1 IP, 1 ER. This schmohawk joins Aaron Cook as a guy that I picked up in May and that I can’t believe I still have him on a bunch of teams.

Brad Hawpe - HR. Hawpe is hawt. *cue Rosco P. Coltrane laughter*

Adam Lind - 4-for-5, HR. In deep leagues, there’s a lot worse fliers you can take than Lind.

Clayton Kershaw - Not a good game, but I’d let him start a game at home before casting him off.

Brad Ziegler - 23 2/3 straight scoreless innings streak. According to Elias Sports Bureau, “Ziegler is the first pitcher with a scoreless streak over 20 IP that has a name similar to Ian Ziering.” (Actually, the Elias Sports Bureau didn’t say that, but it sounds like it. Here’s some more things that sound like the Elias Sports Bureau might have said them. “Last Wednesday was the first time in three years that five Elias Sports Bureau employees wore the color beige,” “Seventeen Elias Sports Bureau employees sneezed today for a new all-time high,” and “There’s no one more full of shit than Stephen Baldwin.”

Ubaldo Jimenez - 1 ER, CG. If you had the Rox to start him.

Josh Willingham - I still like him, but he’s been on my bench for a week now. He needs to pretend he’s a 30/.280 guy or I’m chucking him. You’ve been warned.

Denard Span - Span’s leading off and batting .341 as CarGo hits from the nine hole. (I could see myself being a big fan of Carlos Gomez over this winter as we prepare for 2009, but right now he’s overmatched.)

Kerry Wood - May not go on the DL after all. In other news, water is… not wet?

Freddy Sanchez - If you’re suffering through Ty Wiggington or some other schmohawk at MI, Freddy Sanchez is starting to get hot. Steals? Nah. Home runs? Not many, but he could hit .330 for a month.

Joe Blanton - What, you thought he’d be good in the NL? Wait until you see how well he is when pitching in his new home.

Nick Markakis - I am Sparkakis!

Rick VandenHurk - 5 IP, no hits and he still was pulled, what does that tell you about his control? He gave up 5 walks against 7 Ks. VandenHurk and Volstad sounds like a law firm of vampires.

Eric Byrnes - Transferred from the 15-day DL to the I’m-Not-Coming-Back-This-Year-But-I’m-Going-To-Pretend-I-Will List.

Alexis Rios - Hit his 6th HR. Man, what a busted season. If you don’t have him, you may not understand what a bullet you dodged. He has comparable numbers to Victorino, and The Flying Hawaiian was on the DL earlier in the year and he lost playing time to Werth. Incredible.

Duaner Sanchez - 3 ER without recording an out as Duaner made a strong case to never get the ball in the ninth.  I think Heilman gets the ball tomorrow if the Mets have the lead. Or the Mets put some of that numbing spray shizz on Wagner’s shoulder and send him out there.

Chris Davis - HR. Okay, maybe he doesn’t need to be benched when the Rangers aren’t in Arlington.

Randy Wolf - With this trade, I see no way the Astros don’t overtake the Reds and finish in fourth. Unless the Reds trade for Barry Zito. Then the race will be on!

Erik Bedard - After tossing the ball on Sunday, he landed on the MRI table-thingie. Guess what, ya’ll? Not a good sign. Or maybe the Mariners just want an excuse to shut him down for the year and they rigged a VW Bug to look like an MRI machine and they hired some extras to play the part of doctors. In a grand Shakespearan accent, “I did Uncle Vanya in the Park and I was the dog walker in “How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days.’”

Hey boys and girls, it’s time to look at all of the fantasy baseball closers again. Now is this every closer? Yes, I just said that. Dur. Why aren’t you listening? Or am I being obtuse? Also this is the majority of setup men. Is this all the setup men? Ugh. It’s a majority of the setup men. You’re what we Italians call a stunod. Now don’t get all heated. My grandfather called me a stunod for twenty years of my life. Now I write a blog. Hmm… I need therapy! So we’re going to break the closers up into three tiers as we always do. The first tier, they’re the girls that won’t date your stunod ass. The second tier, they’re the girls that will date your stunod ass. The third tier, they’re the girls that keep calling your house trying to talk to your wife about the affair you had with them while you were in Buffalo for the weekend. If that’s not clear, wait until your tenth year of alimony and you begin to contemplate how much you would’ve saved just by having some crackhead kill your ex. Anyway, here’s all the closers and most of their setup men for fantasy baseball purposes, of course:

NO-BRAINERS

This tier is filled with a bunch of closers that are too good to be true. They seem indispensable, but they’re not. They just have an allure over you that scares you to trade them away. Set them free and if it’s meant to be… Or some shizz. I don’t know, why don’t you read the Hallmark blog if you want girly nursery rhymes? These closers are as safe as closers get, so trade them away.

1. Joe Nathan, MIN (Matt Guerrier, Dennys Reyes, Jesse Crain)
2. Jonathan Papelbon, BOS (Hideki Okajima)
3. Francisco Rodriguez, LAA (Justin Speier, Scot Shields, Jose Arredondo)
4. Mariano Rivera, NYY (Kyle Farnsworth)
5. Brad Lidge, PHI (J.C. Romero, Ryan Madson)
6. Takashi Saito, LAD (Jonathan Broxton)
7. Joakim Soria, KAN (Ramon Ramirez)
8. Kerry Wood, CHI (Carlos Marmol)

BRAINERS

Greed, Gluttony and Envy are three of the seven deadly sins. Then throw in coveting your neighbor’s closers and masturbating three times a day and fantasy baseball is going to send you straight to hell, unless you focus your energies on these closers, the Brainers. These closers seem risky, but end up paying dividends.

9. Jon Rauch, WAS (Luis Ayala)
10. Billy Wagner, NYM (Duaner Sanchez, Aaron Heilman)
11. Francisco Cordero, CIN (Jared Burton, David Weathers)
12. Brandon Lyon, ARI (Tony Pena, Chad Qualls)
13. Brian Wilson, SAN (Tyler Walker)
14. Mike Gonzalez, ATL (Blaine Boyer, Will Ohman, Rafael Soriano)
15. Jose Valverde, HOU (Doug Brocail)
16. George Sherrill, BAL (Bunch of Schmohawks)
17. Damaso Marte, PIT (Tyler Yates)
18. Trevor Hoffman, SDG (Heath Bell)
19. Kevin Gregg, FLA (Renyel Pinto, Matt Lindstrom)
20. Todd Jones, DET (Joel Zumaya, Fernando Rodney)

BRAIN FREEZE

Saves are wonderful. I love saves! I have Fuentes, Morrow, Kobayashi, Wilson and Franklin on one team! They just combined for two-thirds of an inning and 17 earned runs. OW! Brain freeze! Use the following closers at your own risk.

21. Huston Street, OAK (Santiago Casilla, Alan Embree, Keith Foulke, Joey Devine)
22. Salomon Torres, MIL (Eric Gagne, Guillermo Mota)
23. B.J. Ryan, TOR (Scott Downs)
24. Brian Fuentes, COL (Taylor Buchholz, Manny Corpas)
25. C.J. Wilson, TEX (Eddie Guardado, Joaquin Benoit)
26. Brandon Morrow, SEA (Sean Green)
27. Ryan Franklin, STL (Jason Isringhausen, Chris Perez)
28. Masa Kobayashi, CLE (Rafael Perez, Rafael Betancourt)
29. Dan Wheeler, Grant Balfour, J.P. Howell, TAM (Al Reyes, Troy Percival)
30. Octavio Dotel, Scott Linebrink, Matt Thornton, CHW (Bobby Jenks)

Looks like Chipper Jones is headed to the DL. In other news, water is wet, taco diarrhea burns and astronaut ice cream is delicious. Couple of things spring to mind. First, steroids lead to injuries. Before 2004, Chipper played in at least 150 games for eight years in a row. Yes, that’s right. He wasn’t always injury-prone. It just feels that way. Why doesn’t anyone question Chipper about steroids? Is it because he’s white (or Caucasian for the PC gang…. Or posse, if gang’s too edgy for you)? Second, Chipper will challenge .400 and just barely qualify for the batting title. This will result in a bunch of crazy old coots (ala Buzz Bizzinger) coming out of the woodwork to say things like, “Hogwash! Williams had 150 more at-bats!” To this I say, I agree. I hope Chipper doesn’t hit .400. I hate that Bonds owns the home run record, that Titantic beat Star Wars for #1 box office and that Joey Chestnut beat Kobayashi. Third, Chipper seems racist to me. Just like Lance Berkman. This is completely unfounded. Just a gut call. I might even be held libel for saying it, but I’m partially insane, so there’s that. My craziness is why you’re here reading. If I were boring, I’d yawnstipate you and you’d move on. What does this mean for fantasy baseball? Nothing really. Just some things I needed to get off my chest. Anyway, here’s some things I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Roy Oswalt - Might be headed to the Disgraceful List a few months after he should’ve. A month or so ago, I said Oswalt would pitch through injury because that’s just how he’s built. (This site is easily searched so I’m going to leave it up to you guys to find that link. Trust me, I said it. I have a photographic memory for nonsense.) Oswalt’s not Chipper Jones, I’ll tell you that. He’ll keep pitching if he can. Since he came out of the game, my non-professional opinion is that Oswalt may hit the DL.

Chad Cordero - Out for the season. As far back as April 3rd (Yes, I found that link myself, smart ass.), I told you Rauch would get more saves and you should unload Cordero, whether you listened is on you. You do what you do; I do what I do and we meet somewhere in the middle. Mapquest it!

Juan Pierre - Hit the DL for the first time in his career. He’ll be out long enough to drop him in most leagues (4-6 weeks). The one guy who held Ethier this whole time just said this, “Yes!” Everyone else just said, “Whatever.”

Eric Byrnes - He aggravated his hamstring. (Or is it reaggravated? And if it’s aggravated then when does it become reaggravated? After the second aggravation? Third? This shizz will keep me up!) I told you to go after Byrnes, now that I see it will be a recurring injury, get out before you’re *pinkie to mouth* burned. Not worth it, trade him for 50 cents on the dollar.

Troy Percival - Wow, big night in fantasy baseball, right? Right. So he (re)aggravated his hamstring strain too. (Maybe… and this is a longshot, but bear with me…. Maybe Byrnes had a Percival voodoo doll and vice versa, but they made a pact to not use each other’s voodoo dolls. Then when Byrnes felt a tweak in his hamstring, he thought Percy betrayed him, so he went into his locker and stuck a needle in Percival’s voodoo doll hammy. Or not. I’m speculating.) Wheeler takes over for Percy until he returns.

Felix Hernandez - Right when the injury happened I said he’d be out at least 15 days. Everyone else said he’d make his next start. I called bullshit. Now he’s headed to the DL. Are you a doctor, Grey? No, I saw the injury and F-Her was carried off the field. That means DL for a last place team’s ace in June. Dur.

Brian Fuentes - Kazaam!

Josh Willingham - 2 HRs, been getting some “Would you get with this or would you get with that? I think you’ll get with this, because this is where it’s at” questions regarding Willingham. So here goes, Willingham over Thome, Swisher, Hermedia, anyone on the A’s, Headley, Bruce, Lyle Overbay, Chris Davis, Swisher, Per Djoos, Snyder, Billy Butler, Frenchy and Fred Lewis. Willingham not over Tulowitzki, Doumit, Kouzmanoff, Gordon, Dye, Parra, any closer currently getting saves and Corey Hart. This list was paid for by the committee to get Willingham on your team.

Mark DeRosa - 2 HRs, 6 RBIs and the start at third as Aramis took a family vacay. Must be something about the last name Ramirez because I could totally see Aramis and Manny getting along like two peas in an empanada.

Jhonny Peralta - 5-for-5, HR, 3 doubles, 3 RBIs, superflouous “H.”

Jim Thome - Hit another home run. I mentioned yesterday that he was getting picked up by me and he did.

Matt Thornton - Got the save yesterday instead of Jenks. Think it might have been just a matter of Jenks being overworked. I’m trying to get to the bottom of this. Stay tuned… (Or simply tell me what’s going on. That might be nice for a change.)

Joel Zumaya - Got the save in Jones’s stead. Just another case of the regular closer being overworked. Or is it? Yes, it seems that way. But it could mean Zumaya might get eight to ten saves from this point on just to “keep everyone fresh,” which is also known as  “not letting Jones blow too many games.”

Aaron Harang - 7 IP, 8 Ks, 3 ER, 1.14 WHIP. Now that looks like a Harang line. I’ll take that from now until October with a few wins mixed in.

Roy Halladay - Threw a four-hit, shutout against the Mariners. Jeffrey Loria, sick of trying to make the Marlins bad and failing, announced he would buy Seattle’s team, move them to Florida and call them the Marliners. First move: Rehire Bill Bavasi. Where did you go so terrifically wrong with Sexson that I went so horribly right with Jorge Cantu?

Dave Bush - Pimple-faced teenager runs in front of your car, “Watch out, Mister! Dave Bush is falling back to earth!” You stop short and Dave Bush falls in front of your car.