Almost two months into the 2013 Major League Baseball season and things have suddenly turned into Bizarro World from the Superman comics. Those not familiar with the term please note what the scholarly website Uncyclopedia says, ”Bizarro World is a situation or setting which is weirdly inverted or opposite of expectations.” In Bizarro World, Bizarro Coke tastes like Pepsi, Bizzaro USA is Canada and Bizarro Tom Cruise is a heterosexual, black orthodox Jew. The Bizarro Code states, “Us do opposite of all Earthly things!Please, blog, may I have some more?
Scenario: Jim Leyland has been a part of a clinical trial to prove cigarettes cause mental illness. On off days, Leyland sits in a hotel room with a monkey and a scientist and they all smoke Camels. All three of them wear nothing but tighty-whiteys and they order out to Papa John’s, which always takes longer than anticipated because they have the pizza man put the pie in a mailbox, so no one knows where they are. After a few hours, Leyland is presented with a few different ink blotches that are clearly just innocuous butterflies. The monkey tries to correctly identify the ink blotches, but the scientist shushes the monkey and waits for Leyland. Inevitably, Leyland always says each ink blotch is Jose Valverde. Second scenario: The closer, who was ineffective last year, is given the closer job again because he’s the best arm in the bullpen. Okay, which scenario seems more likely to you? Agreed, Leyland has officially lost his crackers. “Okay, I know I put some Saltines down on the bench. Where are THEY?!” That’s Leyland after losing his crackers. Either way, Valverde will be joining the Tigers this week and Leyland says he’s the Tigers closer. “Are those cracker crumbs on your jersey, Don Kelly?!” When Leyland walks to the mound to change pitchers, he should just signal to the bullpen by twirling his finger by his ear — the universal sign for he’s crazy. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Truth be told, I almost made Logan Morrison my discount double check post for first basemen but decided ‘nah, I’ll cheap out and go with an already draftable commodity in Kendrys Morales cuz I’m lazy like that’. Then Grey said ‘only one OF? Seriously, how lazy can you be? Give me three posts about outfielders. And put the lotion in the F@#$ing basket!’. And so I obliged on both counts but still got the hose again for some reason. But we’re not here to talk about playing lambs with Albright, we’re here to dissect LoMo’s current draft day ADP of 219 and whether it’s a discount or a steal for 2013 fantasy baseball…Please, blog, may I have some more?
This top 20 1st basemen for 2013 fantasy baseball goes to about forty-two. Every time I thought I was out, I looked at another 1st baseman that pulled me back in. Unlike any other position, there’s a few guys that can give you some huge numbers, then there’s about 25 players that can give you roughly the same stats. Unlike years past, I’m not going to tell you to either draft a top 1st baseman or insist you remove my name from your Trapper Keeper. We can still be BFFs without the drafting of Pujols, Fielder or Votto. For the first time in a while, any of the top 20 1st basemen (that’s the actual top 20 1st basemen not the 42 or so that are on this list; shizz gets a little wonky further along the list). The first basemen position is going through a serious transition. Right now, vets like Howard, Konerko and Te(i)x could still be valuable, but they have some major question marks. Then there’s guys like Trumbo, Davis or even Hosmer that have a different set of concerns. By next year, I have a feeling we’ll see that the next class of 1st basemen move up while the vets continue to fade. But, for now, it’s not clear. As always, for each player there’s my projections and where I see tiers starting and ending. There’s the position eligibility chart for 2013 fantasy baseball, and all the 2013 fantasy baseball rankings are under that linkie-ma-whosie. Anyway, here’s the top 20 1st basemen for 2013 fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Well this pick is a little strange. After covering guys that probably won’t get drafted in most regular leagues this year, I’ve come back to a guy going in 13th round currently in mock drafts with Kendrys Morales. I could lie to you and say I like a guy like Brandon Belt more because he’s going so cheap but until he hires a professional make-up artist that makes him look 35, he’s going to have a hard time staying on Bruce Bochy’s good side and away from Huff’s rally thong. I’m suggesting we take a look at whether or not Kendrys is a discount seeing as first base isn’t all that deep. Scoff all you want but I suggested Allen Craig to you last year when he was merely a pipe dream. Yes, that’s a picture of Jay ‘Bones’ Buhner and yes the writer calls himself ONC. Well that was me before I went Red Dragon on y’all and ‘transformed’. You see, I’m that dude Sky from the fantasy football side of the Razzball world but I cut my teeth on the baseball side by dropping helpful preseason nuggets to you last year and one of which is the afore mentioned Craig. The same Craig who’s now going 7th in mock drafts over at MDC amongst first basemen. For such a power-heavy position, doesn’t 22 HRs in 514 PAs scare you a little with where he’s going? Exactly. So with that, I think it’s time we take a look at why you might be paying less for more with Morales.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Now, it makes sense. That’s Justin Smoak and Dustin Ackley sitting in bathtubs overlooking Mt. Rainier. “The beans acting up on you, Smoaky the Bear?” “Why do you ask, Ackalacka?” “Cause I heard bubbles coming up in your tub.” “Nah, I get bubbles in my tub when I get an erection.” The move to Seattle will definitely reduce injury risk for Kendrys Morales. Not because he’s now assured a DH role, but because he can’t hit homers as easily. Snap in an inverted W formation! Kendrys is listed as a Latin 29. If you think he’s 29 years old, I have a bridge in Nova Scotia made of smoked salmon to sell you. It smells and it’s greying on the edges, but it’s worth a lot in retail at the butcher. “Saul, I can get my hands on a bridge made of lox, can you resell it?” That’s you talking to your butcher. Kendrys took forever to come back from his limp-off homer, but finally looked to be in a groove in the 2nd half of last season (14 homers in 238 ABs). He’s a possible Zombino, even though if he’s really 29 that shouldn’t apply. 29? Ha! And I’m fifteen with the most beautiful mustache that your deity of choice ever created! Please! His numbers at Safeco aren’t nearly as bad as you might think. In 120 ABs, his line is 19/7/23/.292/1. I’ve seen worse. Nick Punto in any ballpark over the course of three seasons combined. That’s worse. I imagine now people will look at Morales with a real puss on their faces because he’s in Seattle, but, while the park and lineup aren’t great, he doesn’t have to worry about platooning randomly whenever the Sciosciapath feels like it. For 2013, I’m still going to predict a bounce back for Kendrys, even though I was thinking of an even bigger one before this trade. The projected stat line I’ll give him is 77/26/89/.272. Anyway, here’s some more offseason moves for 2013 fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
After drudging through an Andy Dufresne-type tunnel for the top 20 catchers for 2012 fantasy baseball, I find myself with a group that actually really hurt or helped your team depending on how you drafted. If you went wrong with your 1st baseman, it could kill your season. Hey, Eric Hosmer, no hard feelings from me. We are totally fine. Please enjoy these cyanide pills I made special for you. If you went right, you might’ve won your league.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Yesterday, Felix Doubront went 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 11 Ks and rose The Walking Dead in Boston. I wonder if Stephen King helped recruit Doubront for the Red Sox. I wonder if there’s going to be a Red Sox team next year or if they’ll just merge with their Pawtucket minor league team.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Baltimore Orioles’ top prospect Manny Machado showed us exactly why he’s their top prospect last night, putting on an impressive display of power in just his second major league game with two home runs and four RBIs. OMGDROPEVERYTHINGANDGOPICKHIMUP!!! Well, not exactly.Please, blog, may I have some more?
The other day I got an email saying I have a financial windfall coming to me from a deceased relative in Nigerian that I didn’t know. So I don’t even need to be doling out fantasy advice anymore. Take the thirty-seven cents I made yesterday from this site and shove it!Please, blog, may I have some more?