Fantasy Baseball Advice

A Spanish woman, dressed in black, just pedaled past my house, chanting, “Luis Castillo no es Manny Trillo…Luis Castillo no es Manny Trillo…Luis Castillo… Oh shoot, I ripped my stockings!”  It was totally sad.  Kinda like when your best buddy, let’s call him Chase Utley, gets old man knee and the Phillies replace him with Luis Castillo.  Luis Castillo would be good for my pre-All-Star Game contest where him and Juan Pierre have a home run contest and the gopher ball-happy Rodrigo Lopez is pitching.  Just think of how few back’s we’d have to hear from Berman.  There’s nothing as far as fantasy goes with Castillo.  Even if objects appear closer in the side view, you still can’t see Castillo’s best days.  To give you an idea of how terrible he is, the Mets released him.  Long story short, he’s useless in any league where there are other starting 2Bs available.  This Castillo signing does spell further doom for Utley.  You really can’t draft him at this point.  Also, my giant ostrich head has been in the sand too long with Howard.  No Utley hurts him.  I’m dropping him eight spots in the 2011 fantasy baseball rankings to right behind A-Rod.  I would still draft him, but you can’t expect 115 RBIs or 95 runs at this point.  Well, you can, but people might start to worry about you.  Anyway, here’s some more news in fantasy baseball:

Johnny Cueto – Will miss 10 days or more with shoulder inflammation.  Looks like Jason LaRue’s voodoo doll is finally working.  This sounds like Cueto is going to miss at least a few weeks of the season.  Obviously, not a great sign, but before we take Cueto to the mattresses for getting injured we should tempurpedic our concern.  It’s a long season and he had a 5+ ERA last April and you still drafted him this year.  He gets better in the heat, just DL him once the Reds do.

Brian Wilson – Mild oblique strain.  Well, that’s vague.  Wilson says he’ll be ready for Opening Day.  If he can’t go, it’ll be Romo and his masked luchador, El Machine.

J.J. Putz – His back hurtz.  I’d grab David Hernandez for vulture saves.  He may not get them, but you don’t want any part of anyone else in the bullpen.  Namely, Juan Gutierrez.  By the buh-bye, there’s a closer report coming this afternoon.  You can hardly wait!  No, you!

Kendry Morales – As I told you last week after deciphering clues from the interwebs, he’s starting the year on the DL.  What’s that lovely horn I hear?  Oh, it’s a Trumbo.

Grady Sizemore – Set to test his knee on Tuesday.  Him and Utley should totally cruise for chicks together in Wal-Mart scooters.

Ryan Zimmerman – Someone who won’t be cruising for chicks is Zimmerman with a sore groin.  What a bummer, man.  He says he’ll be fine without many spring ABs.  I’m not too concerned, for now.  Zimmerman does seem like he’s going to have a steep decline in his early 30′s a’la Rolen.  Hopefully, he doesn’t adopt that Rolen-esque fast home run trot that is supposed to be uber-professionalism at its finest but actually comes off even more douchey to me.

Oliver Perez – Mets released him.  Here’s the world’s smallest violin.  Here’s the world’s smallest violin walking seven straight hitters.

Brad Emaus – The Mets 2B audition – aka the beautiless pageant – is nearing its end.  With Castillo gone and Daniel Murphy being pegged as a “utility” guy, it looks like Rule V pickup Brad Emaus will win the job.  He’s got great plate discipline, which is great in OBP leagues, but he doesn’t have great power or speed.  Think 10/10 if he plays the full year.  There’s still a chance though that they give a lot of playing time to Luis Hernandez (no hit, all glove), Justin Turner (who was great in Northern Exposure), Murphy, or some other blech option.  For full disclosure, we picked him up as a bench guy in our NL-only; his upside is that he beats our incumbent MI, Skip Schumaker.

Starlin Castro – Rudy is high on Castro, saying crazy things like he could take a huge step forward.  Castro’s big spring has done nothing to dampen Rudy’s enthusiasm.

Jeff Baker – Another player Rudy’s going a bit caca-cuckoo over is Baker.  Right now, he’s still nothing but an NL-Only flyer, but Joyce DeWitt’s son is in danger of not even making the team.

Devin Mesoraco – Okay, so some of these updates are because we own these players in LABR, but you need to put shizz out in the universe.  That’s The Secret!  Mesoraco is hitting over .400 this spring, was drafted 15th overall in 2007 and he’s the catcher of the future in Cincy.  He’s worth looking at in dynasty leagues.  Dusty Baker added, “I like it when my catchers’ names sound like wrestlers.  Ramon Hernandez sounds impressive but no one wants to get in a steel cage with someone named Devin Mesoraco.”

J.P. Arencibia – The Jays manager, who 85% of you can’t name, said the Jose member of The Flying Molina Bros. will catch Morrow and Drabek.  When I said in the rankings, Arencibia reminds me of Napoli, I was hoping it wouldn’t be his lack of playing time too.  Looks like Scioscia-ism has crossed the Canadian border!

Pedro Alvarez – 19/1 K/BB rate so far this spring.  People seem pretty sure about drafting Alvarez above Reynolds.  I think Mini Donkey might still have some kick in him.  Cust kayin’.

Charlie Morton – Awarded the fifth starter spot in Pittsburgh.  There are two types of crappy pitchers:  1) The type that get hit because they have bad stuff and 2) The type that get hit because they don’t know how to use their good stuff.  At least with the second type, they might figure it out.  Charlie Morton is the 2nd type.

Nelson Figueroa - Currently the 5th SP on the Astros but he has the talent to be a 6th SP, 7th SP, 8th SP or even higher.  If auction dollars had a face, the $1 would look like Nelson Figueroa and the $2 would be of some other pitcher laughing at the $1.

Jake Peavy – Will miss Opening Day.  Do they make emoticons with tears?  Oh, well, looks like Peavy’s back to usual shizz.  Phil Humber is slated to take his rotation slot.  Humber is from Nacogdoches (KNACK-uh-DOUGH-ches), Texas.  Appropriately, he is not from mackadocious.

Justin Upton – Should be fine, but his knee is a bit sore from tripping on grass.  Who is he, Tommy Chong?

Orlando Cabrera taxied into Cleveland yesterday.  Does Cleveland’s middle infield of Orlando and Asdrubal remind anyone else of an embarrassing moment at Epcot that I blamed on a 5-year-old?  Probably just me.  Hopefully not too many mixed leaguers are doing handstands over this news.  Orlando Cabrera is good for 7-10 homers and 7-10 steals and by “good” I mean bad and not bad as in good.  Too bad Cabrera’s first name doesn’t start with an S, then he can be S-Cab.  Anyway, here’s some other fantasy baseball news:

Scott Podsednik – Signed with the Blue Jays.  Don’t the Jays already have Podsednik but call him Rajai Davis?  Perplexing news to say the least, though saying the least wouldn’t have me saying anything.  Maybe the Jays signed Podsednik because his wife keeps morale up around the clubhouse.  Wokka, wokka, wokka.  Right now, Podsednik will work as a fourth outfielder and will probably see around 400 ABs.  I’m not too concerned about Davis, Snider or Juan Rivera’s playing times.  They all need a rest once in a while and Rivera can’t stay healthy.

Joe Nathan – Threw off the mound yesterday.  He’s sure trying to make me look bad for saying he won’t be ready for the start of the season, that Nathan’s a hot dog.  I’d still be tentative about drafting Nathan and would grab Capps real late as the handcuff.

Kendry Morales – Said that he might not be ready to go on Opening Day because of the rehabilitation for his limp-off homer.  Only thing less surprising than this would be if Morneau announces he has lingering concussion symptoms.  Since pulling a Kotchman started on the Angels, it’s only appropriate that Kendry carries on the tradition.  Seriously, Al Green mended a broken heart quicker than Morales and his stupid leg.  Put on a cast, grab a wire hanger for itching and be done with it.  I didn’t want to draft Morales before, as my top 20 1st basemen for 2011 fantasy baseball shows, this news doesn’t help matters.

Russell Branyan – Signed with the Diamondbacks.  I.e., Brandon Allen can’t get a break and this sure doesn’t help Juan Miranda’s value.  I’ll never understand why a team going nowhere would sign a go-nowhere vet rather than give their youngsters a chance.  Guess that’s why they’re going nowhere.  As for Branyan, if you can platoon him in NL-Only leagues vs. righties, he could get you 20+ homers in 400 ABs.

Joel Hanrahan – Was announced Hanrahanananan would be the closer for the Black & Yellow, Black & Yellow, Black & Yellow over Evan Meek.  Hanrahanananan should be a solid donkeycorn by the time May rolls around.  You can continue to draft Meek, but you might look a little desperate.

The top 10 and 20 for 2011 fantasy baseball are in the bag, along with the top 20 catchers and your receipt for a $30 massage valued at $50.  Thanks, Groupon!  Today, Razzhands, we look at the top 20 1st basemen for 2011 fantasy baseball.  All this shizz can be found under the 2011 fantasy baseball rankings.  Don’t believe me?  Click the link.  This top 20 list of 1st basemen is the opposite of the catchers, it is bursting at the seams like you at a Hometown Buffet.  Speaking of gorging yourself, I want a top 1st baseman on my team in 2011.  Sure, the list is deep, but 10 of these guys will probably be gone by the 4th round.  Do you really want to go to battle with, say, Lance Berkman when someone else has, say, Ryan Howard?  I don’t.  I want to be one of the teams with a top 1st baseman.  This list will get additional 1st basemen added to it in the way of sleeper posts.  As with the other rankings, the first basemen are broken up into tiers with my projections included.  Anyway, here’s the top 20 1st basemen for 2011 fantasy baseball:

1. Albert Pujols – See top 10 for 2011 fantasy baseball for Albert Pujols’ projections.

2. Miguel Cabrera – See top 10 for 2011 fantasy baseball for Miguel Cabrera’s projections.

3. Joey Votto – See top 10 for 2011 fantasy baseball for Joey Votto’s projections.

4. Prince Fielder – See top 10 for 2011 fantasy baseball for Prince Fielder’s projections.

5. Adrian Gonzalez – See top 20 for 2011 fantasy baseball for Adrian Gonzalez’s projections.

6. Mark Teixeira – See top 20 for 2011 fantasy baseball for Mark Teixeira’s projections.

7. Ryan Howard – See top 20 for 2011 fantasy baseball for Ryan Howard’s projections.

8. Kevin Youkilis – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Dunn.  I call this tier, “Your last chance for a 1st baseman I’d feel safe with.”  Other fantasy baseball ‘perts will say 1st base is one of the deepest positions and you shouldn’t pay for it on draft day.  Now, granted, Youuuuuuk had a fluke injury last year that should be fine in 2011, but do you feel as safe with Youuuuuk as you would with, say, Te(i)x?  I wouldn’t.  Do you feel as safe with Morneau as Fielder?  Do you feel as safe with Dunn as you do with any of the first basemen in the 1st tier?  And this is only one tier down.  Go another tier down.  How do you feel with Howard compared to Butler?  With Fielder compared to Huff?  Sure, some of the guys below may produce, but there’s also lots of pitfalls in there.  As for Youuuuk, as mentioned, he should be fine returning from injury and give you his usual 25+ home runs and good counting stats.  2011 Projections: 95/27/95/.300/5

9. Justin Morneau – Last year, Morneau pulled a Kotchman and missed like a gazillion games.  I wonder if his doctor warned him not to lie in a hammock under a palm tree for fear a coconut would drop on his melon.  Eh, probably not.  But maybe!  Morneau’s more valuable than Youuuuuk if he can stay healthy, but put Morneau staying healthy in one hand and a fortune cookie that says, “Morneau never stays healthy” in the other hand and what do you have?  Exactly!  2011 Projections:  85/25/100/.285

10. Adam Dunn – I have no scientific proof of this, but I think we’re due for a .240 average season from Big Donkey.  I mean, two seasons of .260+ now for him.  He’s playing with the house’s money, ain’t he?  Unless he sold two of his usual forty homers for twenty points on his average.  Then maybe Juan Pierre sold four steals to buy Dunn a hairbrush.  That’s like that O. Henry story.  2011 Projections: 80/40/100/.245

11. Kendry Morales – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Huff.  I call this tier, “You got caveats.  Now go floss.”  Morales has one solid season under his belt then a limp-off home run.  Here’s what I said when he got hurt, “Too bad the Wide World of Sports isn’t still on.  They could’ve covered the agony and the ecstasy all in one full swoop (with Morales’ home run).  This injury reminds me of the time Justin Duchscherer heard The Hokey Pokey and in celebration put his right hip out.  And didn’t put his right hip back in for six to eight months later.”  That doesn’t mean anything as far as fantasy is concerned, but it made me giggle.  I got some gems up in this mug!  You’re welcome.  There’s not much to say about Morales.  If he’s healthy, draft him for 27+ home runs.  If he’s rusty as all get out, then you’re sitting in a public restroom realizing ten minutes too late there’s no toilet paper.  2011 Projections:  80/26/95/.290

11 1/2. Adam Lind – His caveat is his strikeouts skyrocketed last year.  Still, I’m a sucker for Lind.  I wouldn’t be if 30 homers didn’t seem like such a pipe dream for so many players nowadays.  I can’t promise you that he will return to the 35 homer hitter he was in 2009.  It’s far from scientific but what I think happened last year was he was being unlucky so he expanded the strike zone causing the bottom to fall out.  The numbers back up this theory.  His HR/FB% was also off last year.  Another 5 homers on top of his 23 homers last year is easily doable.  With a little luck, you’re looking at a .270, 30 homer guy.  With a lot of luck, you’re looking at even more.  (Note:  He only has 11 games at 1st base that’s why he got a half.  Check the fantasy baseball position eligibility, fool!)  2011 Projections:  80/27/90/.270

12. Carlos Pena – I already went over my Carlos Pena fantasy when he signed with the Cubs.  His caveat is his average.  It could be silent and deadly.  2011 Projections:  70/35/95/.235/3

13. Billy Butler – It’s Mardi Gras and you have one more string of beads.  You see what you believe is a foxy number, but you can only see her from the neck down.  Do you wait to see her face or do you throw your beads on chest size alone?  Those who drafted Butler last year after his 21 homer year in 2009 threw their beads and got flashed with a rack of moobs.  Mr. Grapefruit just doesn’t have huge power potential like his Humpty Dumpty-shaped body would indicate.  2011 Projections:  80/20/90/.310

14. Buster Posey – See top 20 catchers for 2011 fantasy baseball for Buster Posey’s projections.

15. Paul Konerko – Last year, Konerko had his highest HR/FB% since 2005.  He had his highest home run total since 2005.  He had his highest strikeout rate ever.  His lowest walk rate since 2004.  His highest BABIP in his career.  You got damn lucky last year if you owned him.  If you own him again this year, you’re doubling down on an eighteen and the dealer’s showing a picture card.  2011 Projections:  70/24/85/.265

16. Aubrey Huff – I don’t buy his 2010 season at all.  Actually, that’s a lie.  I buy it.  I just don’t think we can trust he’ll do it again in 2011.  Not to mention, a big flashing red arrow is pointing at his alternate seasons of 15 home runs a piece in 2007 and 2009.  If you get an off season from Huff, you’ve just lost your league.  That’s just me being real wit’ you.  You see the truth is everybody wanna know how close me and Huff is.  Or who I’m still cool wit’.  2011 Projections:  70/22/80/.275

17. Lance Berkman – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Derrek Lee.  I call this tier, “Oldies and not so goodies.”  Maybe you draft someone from this tier and you get a 2010 Konerko.  Maybe you get a 2010 Berkman.  I would try not to live too much in the past.  These guys have deteriorating skills. As for Berkman, line drives are down (literally!), ground balls are up (not literally!) and fly balls are down (literally!).  St. Louis isn’t going to help turn around his career slide.  Sorry.  2011 Projections:  65/20/75/.270/5

18. Carlos Lee – Member how I said two seconds ago that one of these guys may be a 2010 Konerko?  If I had to bet, I wouldn’t guess public enemy #1, Chuck Lee.  2011 Projections:  65/24/75/.260/3

19. Mike Napoli – Not really old so sue the tier name for false advertising.  See top 20 catchers for 2011 fantasy baseball for Mike Napoli’s projections.

20. Adam LaRoche – The people who draft LaRoche late and say they just want his 25 home runs and don’t care that he only hits in the second half are the same people who ask me on April 15th if they should drop LaRoche for Gaby Sanchez.  That word is bond.  2011 Projections:  75/25/90/.265

21. Derrek Lee – Didn’t really want to turn this thing to 21, but I couldn’t fit Lee anywhere else and felt he needed to be accounted for especially with his new home in Baltimore.  To think I couldn’t get in James Loney at all.  Just don’t think about it for too long.  It’s a waste of time.  So let’s see why Derrek Lee is a candidate for a rebound… He’s old.  He’s only hit more than 22 homers once in the last five years.  He’s dealing with an injured thumb.  The only reason I can think people are suddenly excited about Lee is because the O’s signed him.  The O’s also finished in last place last year thirty games under .500.  This is a team you want to emulate?  If you’re pumped to find Lee on your draft board this late, you’re living in 2005.  Go buy some Apple stock, it hasn’t peaked yet.  2011 Projections:  75/18/80/.275/3

After the top 20 1st basemen for 2011 fantasy baseball, there’s a lot of names, but these two stand out:

Justin Smoak – Already went over my Justin Smoak fantasy.  If you read that post backwards, it’s a Satanic message.  Sorry, churchies!  2011 Projections:  75/22/90/.275

Gaby Sanchez – He’s a lot closer to Billy Butler’s value than he appears to be and at half the cost in your drafts.  Actually, he might be better than Billy Butler.  He’s only unofficially listed at number twenty-three because I wanted to highlight him.  Check out his projections then look at Billy Butler’s.  How’s dem apples?  Delicious!  2011 Projections:  75/20/90/.270/5

You know how cutters cut themselves to take their mind off some pain in their life? (RIP, Frankie from The Real World… San Diego!) Well, I have an idea that major league teams can employ.  They should hire absolutely terrible ex-major leaguers to make slumping hitters feel better about themselves.  “Pena, you’re in a real bad slump, but imagine how I felt when I hit .195 for the better part of the 1990′s?”  Wait, they already do this.  They’re called major league managers.  So, Carlos Pena is capable of 10+ homer months and 40 homers on the year.  His average isn’t going to be good.  He’s not a .170-something hitter though.  Even if he hits only .210 this year.  That’s a forty-something point increase from where he is.  Right now, fantasy baseballers (<–my Mom’s term) aren’t just trading Pena on the low, they’re flat out dropping him.  So you don’t have to buy him for a lot, you barely have to buy him for anything.  You could throw a Pena owner a bag of empty pistachio shells that you already licked and they’d probably be happy to get Pena off their team.  In fact, I just saw a guy walk through heavy traffic wearing a Carlos Pena jersey.  Hmm… Maybe that was Carlos Pena.  Come back, Pena, you’ll be better!  (Note:  I wrote this before I was told that Pena was a Buy Low guy at ESPN.  Though I still haven’t read what they said, it makes sense when a 40 homer guy is struggling.  Note from Hater Bell:  Hey, Grey, you and Karabell should get a room and have sex.)  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

John Axford – Hoffman will either suddenly hang ‘em up and retire or he’ll be the closer again by the end of the month.  At least that’s what my Magic Eight Ball that I purchased at Spencer’s Gifts says.  In the meantime, grab Axford.  He could get sloppy with his walks at some point, but he’s getting saves now.  And, yes, I am an Axfordian scholar.

Bobby Jenks – Why’s he getting dropped everywhere?  He’s still the closer.  SAGNOF, people, SAGNOF!

Brad Lidge – Of course if you own him you’re going to wake up with night terrors, screaming Lidge’s name.  Sure, there’s a good chance if he gets called into a game in Citizens Flank, a Philly fan may attack him with a blunt object, but Manuel wants Lidge to be the closer and what Manuel wants he gets, which usually just means a nice piece of straw to chew on.

Brandon Lyon – Just went over him.  Scroll or click.  It’s your choice now.  Good luck!

Buster Posey – Here’s what I said the other day, “Capable of a .300 average and 10+ homers.  He’s playing 1st base so that makes him more desirable than some other catchers because he’ll get more counting stats.  Plus, he has potential for a breakout.  When in doubt, go for upside.  I’d grab him (in the non-perverse way) in all leagues.”  And that’s me cutting and pasting me!

Kevin Kouzmanoff – Holy crap, am I really telling people to buy Kouzmanoff?  See, this is the kind of thing that is going to have people digging through my transcripts from the College of Fantasy Baseball at Charleston.  Okay, I want Rolen, Glaus and about 17 other guys before Kouzmanoff, but if you’re hard up, Kouz is going off, for now that’s e’noff.

Seth Smith – Might be the least exciting name in the history of names.  At least John Doe has some mystery to it.  As a baseball player, Seth Smith isn’t much more exciting.  He’ll sit vs. lefties, but there’s more righties, so there’s that.  If you can platoon him, he has 20 homer power and a decent average.

Angel Pagan – I fully expect Pagan to be unownable soon enough, but I actually grabbed this guy last week in a few leagues and damned if this Pagan ain’t doing the devil’s work.

Mike Stanton – I’ve spoken about how wild this turkey can be at length.  You click now.  You’re welcome.

John Ely – He’s only owned in 58% of ESPN leagues, but 40% of ESPN are abandoned, which means he’s available in 2% of leagues.  That’s still too high.

Max Scherzer – People seem slow to re-add him.  Aw, you’ve been wounded.  Your psyche is hurt.  Is it your ego?  I got crocodile tears and they’re running down the side of my jowls.  Just grab Scherzer again.

Brett Cecil – Yeah, I don’t like AL East matchups either.  Yeah, I wouldn’t start him against the Yankees tonight eye-there.  Cecil still has 40 Ks and 12 BBs in 49 2/3 IP.  His BABIP is a little low, but I’d still own him and sit him for certain aforementioned matchups.

Carlos Monasterios – His last name is Spanish for “spot starter with a chance for morios.”  It doesn’t translate that well.

SELL

Grady Sizemore – Yeah, sucks you’re losing your 2nd round pick, but I wouldn’t hold him unless I had a DL spot, and, even then, there’s probably a better DL grab off waivers.

Kendry Morales – See 1/8th an inch above.  Or read backwards until you read “LLES” then go forward again.

Austin Jackson – He’s top ten for Ks in the major leagues and his BABIP is Simple Jack-ish.

Matt Cain – Another year, another Matt Cain-is-getting-too-lucky-to-sustain-his-numbers post.  His Ks have actually gone down this year and he’s getting insanely lucky, even compared to last year.  Cain’s able, but not this much.

Aaron Hill – Whoa, Grey, you are out of line!  Hill’s actually hitting right now. I know, Random Italicized Voice, but that’s why you should start exploring trade offers.  I GOTTA SIDE WITH THE R.I.V. HERE.  MY FANTASY BASEBALL ‘PERT DONE GONE CRAZY!  Okay, Mr. Caps, let me at least speak.  SAY YOUR PIECE.  People are starting to think Hill is coming around and he might be, but everyone is starting to think Hill’s coming around.  So his value has actually gone up after floating around in the john for two months.  He still dealt with a hamstring injury that has recurred once already.  That injury could return at any time.  He will hit better than his current .188, but he’s not having a career year again.  He had that last year.  People might actually think he can do it again now that he is hitting.  You know you done messed up when you drafted him and now’s the time when you might actually get some value back.  Don’t trade Hill for a melted Coolatta, but explore offers.

Kendry Morales could miss the rest of the season after breaking his leg during the celebration of his walk-off grand slam.  Too bad the Wide World of Sports isn’t still on.  They could’ve covered the agony and the ecstasy all in one full swoop.  This injury reminds me of the time Justin Duchscherer heard The Hokey Pokey and in celebration put his right hip out.  And didn’t put his right hip back in for six to eight months later.  In place of Kendry, the Angels could call up Mark Trumbo.  In AL-Only leagues, he’s worth grabbing for his power potential.  In 47 games, he has 11 homers, but it’s also in the PCL, so there’s your grain of salt.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Howie Kendrick – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and two home runs.  Second home run was a game winner but there was no need for pylons around yesterday’s pile-on.  The celebration was kept in check by Scioscia.  He said under no circumstances is anyone supposed to injury another teammate in a celebration unless that player is Mike Napoli.

Mike Napoli – Hey, I was just talking about you!  He played first base yesterday.  Could see Scioscia going with this arrangement because I always felt he looked down on Napoli’s defense like an impossible to please probation officer.

Grady Sizemore – Having knee surgery so now he’s eligible for your POS slot.  I’d cut him in leagues just because it might make it feel slightly better, but if you’re like a battered housewife (which is delicious with ranch dressing) who likes the abuse, then DL Sizemore, you might get a couple of weeks of him in September.  Maybe then he can defecate in your priceless, game-worn Ivan DeJesus hat.

Joey Votto – Misses his fifth game with neck stiffness.  This is a hunch, but I think Votto just needs a hug.

Josh Beckett – Won’t return on the first day he’s able because, well, he’s not able.  His mechanics are still off.  On a non-humorous observation tip, it doesn’t seem right that teams can just say someone’s injured when they’re clearly on the DL simply because they’re sucking.  Shouldn’t there be a league doctor who has to okay DL stints?

Jacoby Ellsbury – Was D’Ellsburied once again.  Was told to rest and drink lots of fluids.  Actually, I have no idea what he was told but I feel like doctors always say the same shizz.

Ryan Zimmerman – Hit 2 homers yesterday to bring his season total to 10.  T-minus 8 days until he becomes Washington’s 2nd favorite player.

Buster Posey – 6-for-8 since his call up.  Capable of a .300 average and 10+ homers.  He’s playing 1st base so that makes him more desirable than some other catchers because he’ll get more counting stats.  Plus, he has potential for a breakout.  When in doubt, go for upside.  I’d grab him (in the non-perverse way) in all leagues.

Max Scherzer – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners (4 BBs), 14 Ks.  Well, that’s one way to return.  Scherzer had a mechanics issue earlier in the year causing him to lose M’s on his PH’s.  A few weeks in the minors later and he looks cured.  He gets the peasant Royals next so he has a good chance of having another nice outing.  I don’t think he tears up the majors like he just did in the minors.  He suffers a bit from Kershawitis with short outings and deep counts.

Carlos Guillen – 1-for-5 with a homer.  Best case scenario is a 10/10 guy at 2nd base.  It’s a’ight.

Dontrelle Willis – Was designated for assignment.  His assignment is to “stop sucking.”  Whether he chooses to accept it is a whole another issue.

Justin Masterson – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks vs. the Yankees.  Figures the one game where he pitches semi-decent is against a team where no one would start him.  Nice, Justin Masterson:  The Passive Aggressive Fantasy Starter.

Anibal Sanchez – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Now has a 2.89 ERA on the year.  Up until this start there were some easy matchups and a bunch of walks.  He goes to Metco next, which should be favorable but then he goes to Citizens Flank, where he could get assaulted by Philly hitters or fans.

Will Ohman – The child safety seal is off now that he gave up his first two runs of the year with back to back homers to Jose Bautista and Alex Gonzalez.  BTW, Jose Bautista leads the major leagues in homers.  Him and his stupid Hitler stache under his lip.

Ricky Romero – 9 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks.  The Blue Jays somehow lost Roy Halladay and got better.  Insert confused emoticon.

Derek Holland – Left the game with shoulder soreness.  I’d lose him in all but the deepest leagues.  And since we’re on Texas and their myriad of injuries…

Nelson Cruz – Headed to the DL.  So much upside out there in Arlington but can’t avoid injuries.  They have the eternal flame-outs.

Jake Peavy – Got the Win!  Gave up 5 runs in 5 and 1/3 innings.  Got hit hard!

Alex Rios – Another game, another homer and steal.  He was in Friday’s Buy/Sell as a Sell.  I stand by that.  I am standing too.  And wearing no pants.  Do you bet on the career year where he far exceeds expectations or do you trade him for someone who is a safer bet like, say, Adrian Gonzalez?

Matt Thornton – Got the save on Friday then Ozzie removed him from a save situation on Sunday.  Cause, really, what’s a closer shituation without some confusion?  Oh, want further wagon circling on your closerousel?  Jenks says he’s healthy enough to return.  Though who’s listening?

Jayson Nix – Hit a grand slam yesterday.  Nothing to see here unless you’ve got some inside dope that the Nix brothers got the same ’strength trainer’ as the Giles brothers used to employ.

James Shields – 5 1/3 IP, 7 ER, 12 baserunners, 3 Ks.  There’s a warm feeling I can’t describe in the pit of my stomach.  Wait… I know what it is.  Schadenfreude and it feels so good!

Albert Pujols – 3 homers yesterday.  Guess he’s not done, though the only one who was manufacturing that crap was ESPN as they tried to sell pageviews.

Geovany Soto – Hit a homer just as his fantasy owners began to drop him.  Obviously, Soto and Masterson got together to come up with ways to make their fantasy owners cry.

Rickie Weeks – 3-for-4 and 2 homers.  Now has one more homer than Prince Fielder.  And 17 extra open holes on his belt.

Jose Reyes – 2-for-5 as he made the June 1st milestone of .255.  Do I hear .275 for July 1st?  .280?  Be even better if he stole 15 bases this month.

Angel Pagan – Batting around .350 with 4 steals and 1 homer in the last week.  I actually picked him up in one league.  It’ll probably be a short layover on his way to the waiver wire, but there ya go.

Jeff Francoeur – 4-for-5, 3 Runs, 2 RBIs and a steal as he also heats– Actually, the entire Mets team is hot for the first time since The Curse of the Shirtless Bernazard.

Chad Qualls – 1 IP, 2 ER for his 4th blown save.  This was the 2nd straight 2 earned run outing for Qualls.  At some point, he should be replaced as closer, and that point was probably about a month ago.

Roy Halladay – Threw a perfect game on Saturday.  After the game, Vice President Joe Biden called to congratulate him.  Afterwards, Halladay put Moyer on the phone so he could talk to his old high school friend.