Fantasy Baseball Advice

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@HornyOldGuy Did you get that pic I sent you? I LOL’d really hard. They’ll put anything on cats!

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@EricKarabell I haven’t checked my email today. Trying to get this cellphone to work. Hello? Oh, wait, I was typing that.

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@EricKarabell Please forward. Manny loves to laugh!

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@OldHornyGuy Did you get those preseason rankings I went over?

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Go Sox!

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@EricKarabell Seems like I messed something up when I downloaded the new Aguilera ringtone. Things were much simply when I was writing for Married With Children, Crocodile Dundee II, et al.

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@OldHornyGuy Did you get those rankings?

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@TristanCockcroft There’s proper channels for unsolicited submissions.

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@OldHornyGuy I write for ESPN.

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@EricKarabell How did they get the sombrero on the cat?!

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@I’mMannyYou’reNot Those cats are muy hilarity! Do you think they are safe?

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@BuryingDwarvesOneDwarfAtATime Pedro! Are you going to get traded back to the Sox? We miss you.

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@EricKarabell Can I send my rankings to you?

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@I’mMannyYou’reNot I think they use glue.

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What up, Manny y Pedro?! If there are two things I love, it’s the Red Sox and cats.

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This just in. The Yankees are going to offer Mr Whiskers, that tabby cat, $120 million over 5 years.

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That is a slap a lapper!

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@Dick Vitale Forget about the cats. Let’s talk about the Oakland RAY-DAS. The FROZEN TUNDRA of Lambeau Field. Rumblin’… stumblin’…He COULD…GO…ALL..THE…Hey, you’re with me, leather….

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Uh-oh. Someone forgot to turn off the Bermatron 2000.

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Correction. That was CC Sabathia.

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You people all suck.

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@TristanCockcroft You’re not going to get hired with that attitude.

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@HornyOldGuy Worked for me.

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@SkipBayless Are you David Caruso?

I’m just going to jump right in with this moron, or morron, as he’d spell it. First, a Karabell title, “Euphoric about Eugenio; closers, Bush, mail.” Eugenio who? Velez, the guy who should have one hand tied to the barrel of a bat so all he can do is bunt. He’s cheap speed. But so is chasing down a rock of crack with Red Bull. You wanna see helicopters? I’ll show you helicopters! Razzball pimped Velez too, back in March. Karabell’s pimping him in July. Since Karabell advised you pick him up three weeks ago, Velez has started three games. Sweet! How about giving Eric Chavez a pickup for some pop? Does anyone know why Luis Polonia’s not in Yahoo? He played baseball as hard as he pedophile’d!

Then Karabell pokes his finger around in Bush to see if it moves. There’s some life there, but how many people can you put in this schmohawk while Jeremy Guthrie is owned in 32.9% of ESPN leagues? Guthrie has 17 Quality Starts. Haren is tops in all of baseball with 19. Since he pimped out his Bush, ten runs in 19 innings. Sweet! The crux of his argument is that Bush is all right by him, but he should be played home and away by Yost. Yeah, double your trouble — literally.  Moving on before I fall into an idiotic coma.

His next post title was, “Ortiz, Chipper, Liriano, weekend watch.” David Ortiz, his choice for AL MVP (seriously, you can’t make up shizz this stupid), was predicted to absolutely go off as soon as he returned from the DL. 1 HR, 6 RBIs since his return three weeks ago. Okay, that works. Cool. Now if I can figure out how to get Matt Holliday into every other hitting spot on my team, I’ll be all set. Thanks. Then he went on to say Jeff Baker was an absolute add. “(Jeff Baker) is hardly a fluke, and the fact he’s hitting .522 since the break and .400 in the No. 2 spot in the order aren’t things suddenly about to end.” Jeff Baker is in a 3-for-36 slump and has been benched in three of the last six games. Awesome! Maybe I can slot him into my Utility slot when Ortiz isn’t playing.

I’ll leave you with this last piece of Eric Karabell anti-advice, “I would never sit Ryan Sweeney of the A’s, assuming he could stay healthy. He takes walks, hits doubles and steals bases. I’d like to see him get 500 at-bats.” Rather than have you look up his stats, I’ll just give them to you. In 272 at-bats, he is 36/3/36/.294/8. Over 500 at-bats, that makes Randy Winn seem exciting. How do I get into a league with Karabell? I can see it now, “What do you think about Ryan Sweeney for Arod?” “Hater, that sounds like a go picture!”  What an effin’ jackfruit. Until next time… Karabell, go get your shinebox!

EricKarabell @MatthewBerry Saw an article about how gas is out of control. Made me think about how you used to pop into my office to fart. I miss you. about 1 hour ago from web

EricKarabell @TristanCockcroft Love those pics you emailed me. Can’t believe the stuff they get to sit on top of cats. about 2 hours ago from web

EricKarabell @BillSimmons Hey, not sure if you got my last emails, but REALLY liked your “The Mag” piece. Write back, dude! about 3 hours ago from web

EricKarabell @RobNeyer Saw that piece on Burrell. I know you follow those saber-whatchamacallits, but I think it’s too early to make a call on Burrell’s chances in the Hall. Not too many people know this, but he sacrifices his natural speed so the average fan can blink while watching him. about 4 hours ago from web

EricKarabell @BusterOlney Your St. Louis Post-Dispatch link about Adam Kennedy getting a game in at first crashed my browser. about 5 hours ago from web

EricKarabell @BillSimmons So I’m going to Espys… Prolly! Are U? If so, I was wondering if you wanted to hang before. I told my wife you can get us in to see a movie premiere. I want to see something funny, she wants to see anything with Ryan Gosling. Ha! about 6 hours ago from web

EricKarabell @MatthewBerry Did you really mean what you said at lunch? Because I would never say Brad Evans is a better fantasy baseball expert than you. about 7 hours ago from web

EricKarabell @MatthewBerry Okay, I just realized that you can see what I write to other people. Sorry about saying I wouldn’t give your phone number out to any attractive female. I hope she calls you! about 8 hours ago from web

EricKarabell @MatthewBerry Hello? You there? Is this about the Doumit thing? Cause there’s no hard feelings about the rankings on my end. I just thought Ryan Doumit shouldn’t have been top hundred. Hope you’re not really mad. about 9 hours ago from web

EricKarabell @JaysonStark I think Berry is mad at me. I can’t believe I even bothered to give our El Torito waitress his phone number. He said I should give it to any attractive female, but I’m not going to anymore. It’s not my fault he lost his wingman, Harold Reynolds. about 10 hours ago from web

EricKarabell @MatthewBerry I get the sense you’re mad at me. Is this about leaving you off that El Torito Evite? It was a couples thing. about 11 hours ago from web

EricKarabell @JaysonStark Erica and I had such a good time last night at El Torito. Definitely should do it again. about 12 hours ago from web

EricKarabell @MatthewBerry I got this great idea for a screenplay. It’s Rounders in the world of fantasy baseball. Do you think your agent would be interested? You around to discuss? about 13 hours ago from web

Okay, we’re going to put behind us the absurd notion that absolutely everything has changed in a little over a month of a six month season. I’m not going to point out regression to the mean, skill sets or anything else in regards to players doing what they should do over the marathon-like baseball season. We’re going to assume ESPN knows better than us. That their rankings a month ago made sense and today their new rankings also make sense. We’re not going to say, “How could Brandon Webb be ranked tenth overall on Berry’s ranking yet Harang is ranked 70th?” We’re not going to say, they kinda have the same numbers, except for wins. We’re going to assume Webb will go 30-0 and Harang will go 3-27. We’re going to do all of that because we’re all brainwashed. We won’t second guess Karabell ranking Webb first overall. That’s right. We’re going to take our medicine, because that’s what we do — day in and day out. What choice do we have? You get all of this tremendous information at ESPN Hindsighter™; they know better than us because they broadcast games. And they’re owned by Disney. And Disney stockholders must know better than me. And… Fuck that! Is Hater Bell the only one that’s irate? You’re not frustrated with the status quo?

You need to start listening to some ’80s PE, and stop watching Flavor of Love. You need to get angry, quickfast. Put down the wine cooler and pick up a four-oh of OE. Stop holding your girlfriend’s pocketbook while she’s in the bathroom. Take her cash out of her wallet, drop the purse in the garbage and take the eighteen-year-old Wetzel’s Pretzels girl home and do her like Karabell’s been doing to his readers for the last seven years. You’re all to blame. Karabell et al is the meter maid who gave you a ticket while you ran into the store to get change. Karabell’s your eighth grade crush who asked your best friend to the Sadie Hawkins dance. Karabell’s your insecurity and that shizz is eating you alive. /rant

Luckily someone transcribed Eric Karabell’s crayon drawings into a blog post so we can see which players Karabaloney is thinking are overrated this year. As Common said, “It doesn’t take a whole day to recognize sunshine…” Well, it also doesn’t take a mouthful to recognize shit either. The following is only a sampling of Eric Karabell’s crap. Seriously, try and wrap your head around these puppies.

Roy Halladay – The ESPN ‘perts ranked him at 67. The rest of the free world ranks him at 99. You can’t say someone is overrated when you are the one overrating him?! Inconceivable! This would be like me saying Alex Gordon’s overrated after rating him sixty spots higher than everyone south of Canada and north of Mexico. Halladay may be good value at 99 because other than Ks, he has a proven track record of Wins, ERA, WHIP and injuries. He’s not in my top hundred for a reason.

Placido Polanco – The ESPN ‘perts ranked him 133. Everyone else ranked him at 163. This is akin to me saying I’m an overrated lay, even though I’m the only saying I’m good in bed. Polanco will guarantee you 90/7/65/.310/7 and a fifth place finish in your league. Try harder!

Travis Hafner – The World says 42. ESPN says 37. I said 34, and I thought I was overrating him. Hafner’s one of my risky picks because of his injury history and his position eligibility. I could understand if you passed him by, but to say he’s overrated… Ugh.

Bobby Abreu – Check out this Karabell turd nugget, “I bet most people who draft him think he can still be a 30/30 player. I do not.” Seriously, is it me or is Karabell The Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer? Abreu hasn’t come close to 30 homers in a while; does anyone actually believe they are getting a 30/30 guy? My projections were 120/15/110/.310/20. Sure doesn’t look like 30/30. Abreu hasn’t hit 30 homers since ’04 and has only recorded two 30 homer seasons in his career. Who’s expecting 30/30 at the age of 34? Seriously. crickets

What have we learned from this exercise? ESPN overrates players then dispatches their experts to tell us to be careful they’re overrated. Do yourself a favor and ignore ESPN. They will hurt you. And they’re owned by Disney. Do you need other reasons?