The title of this post is more indicative of what the fantasy baseball season does to us than to what this player will do for you. How nutty was week 1? I’m loving drafting Adrian Gonzalez in the 4th round of the Razzball Pert’s league, and pissed at myself for not drafting J.D. Martinez anywhere. I really liked J.D. coming into the year and yet got sniped on him every time I was ready to draft him. Same goes for Matt Harvey. I heart you two and will look to trade for you at premium prices if I must. Wait! What? No I won’t. Yes you will. Okay, maybe I will, but sometimes you have to pay a price to get the toys you want. The bills on my Impala can attest to that. Before I move into this week’s creeper, I want to thank all the commenters that came out for the Easter Creeper. What a great kick off to the MLB season…thanks guys. It was a great opener for the baseball season.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Party people in the place to be it’s your host, the Legendary Lif-s-h-i-t-z back on the M-I-C. That’s right Y’all, I’m back on my DFS grind with DraftKings, bringing the funk on what we used to call Hip-Hop Sunday. Maybe we still do, I don’t know, I’m too busy dominating fantasy sports, NCAA pools, DFS games, pushup contests, and beard growing competitions. It’s an exciting life I lead and I still find time to make babies at rates only matched by Mel Gibson. So how’s everybody been? Have you been filling your time with inferior daily fantasy games like basketball, football, or hockey? It’s cool, the grand master is back and you can play along with your old Uncle Ralph just like you did all last summer. I promise I won’t get drunk again and get too touchy. That was a one time thing and it’s not that big a deal because we’re all adults and I’m not really your Uncle. BTW, that reminds me of a question that’s been burning my head like a splinter in my mind. When did incest porn become a thing? What’s wrong with you people? Have you no shame? Has the country music craze gone too far? I’ll just be right here bumping some Old School Wu-Tang pretending it’s 1996.

Any the who, Daily Fantasy Baseball is why we’re here right? That’s correct so I should probably get to talking about it. How many of you are believers in BvP? Some of you are shaking your head, some of you may think I’m about to talk about a dutch footballer, and some of you may actually be fellow believers. It’s batter vs. pitcher historical data and it’s the one thing that I always consider before making my lineups on DraftKings. I want to know who’s hit who in the past because that’s a hell of a lot more relevant than making assumptions based on who I think is good and who I think is bad. This will be a theme throughout my picks below, so take a look, follow my guide to cashing and who knows you might end up telling your league mates to Run The Jewels.

New to DraftKings? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well try out this 25 teamer of Razzball writers and friends to wet your DK whistle. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. It’s how we know you care! If you still feel helpless and lonely, be sure to subscribe to the DFSBot for your daily baseball plays.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

It’s really hard to pick a Creeper for Week 1. I asked myself, do you suggest a player the Razz army all drafted but is undervalued everywhere else? Is telling them to drop a player they drafted for my one week call a good idea? Why does Sky wear running shorts in the shower? How do I know what he wears in the shower? The latter is because I shared a hotel with him during Spring Training (insert winking emoji) and the former is why we are here. Welcome back to Sundays everyone, no not you troll…okay, you can come on over and troll. I don’t mind. Everth Cabrera is a recipient of opportunity this week and like we say around here SAGNOF! Why not start now? Unlike a diet in January this is a regiment that needs to be stuck to for the next six months. Yes we play for six months here. I don’t want any of that, I’m out of it in June B.S. from any of you. You might be surprised what can happen if you stick it out. It’s a marathon, not a sprint.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

By now, most of you have drafted your fantasy baseball teams, and while there may be a few stragglers, the majority of you will be turning to Razzball for in-season info, not draft info.  You can no longer wait till the wee rounds of your home league to grab that super sleeper you have been pining for since the Winter Meetings.  Adding clutch players will either have to be done via trade or the waiver wire.  In my weekly “Deep Impact” series, I’ll be focusing on the players that you can acquire from the latter from of those transactional options — the waiver wire pick up.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Jay has set the table or whatever he was talking about last week with spoons, knives and whatnot. I think he needs to eat before he writes these. Well if I’m reading him right, that is my queue to grab the tablecloth and pull it out while leaving all the table settings perfectly in place. *Grabs cloth, pulls hard* CRASH! No, not Davis…well, the place setting is ruined, literally broke everything with one fell swoop. Okay, I actually jacked all the silverware and pawned it to pay for my anti-depressants. This is a sign my friends and detractors that opening day is almost here. Draft time is cute like a puppy where we are full of hope and optimism, unless you drafted Stroman, Salazar, Wheeler, and Darvish. Now the season begins and it turns into a dog that pisses on your pillow, craps in your shoes, and turns your socks into swiss cheese. Why all the cynicism J-FOH? It’s who I am, and the chances of you having a perfect draft is as likely as Grey getting that restraining order Giancarlo slapped on him lifted. Give it up Grey, it’s not happening. Seriously, it’s time for reality to start as we see how our educated guesses/luck/gut instincts/stat crunching/strategies start to pan out. Here is to not having an unlucky year *toasts 40ozer to computer*.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

If you’ve lived in an area with access to the major Turner Broadcasting networks at any point since 1997, you’re probably familiar with the popular holiday movie A Christmas Story. The plot of the film revolves around Ralphie’s desire to obtain a BB gun (or more specifically a Red Ryder Carbine Action 200-shot Range Model air rifle – but who can remember for sure) for Christmas that year. What nine-year-old boy wouldn’t want a BB gun? I know I would’ve loved one. All I usually got were a bunch of socks and sweaters and other boring stuff that I couldn’t care less about. What the hell, Mom?

But I digress. Just like Ralphie, we’ve all wanted that shiny, new BB gun at some point. Without those BBs, how would’ve young Ralphie fared against the likes of Black Bart and his crew? This fantasy season, we want those BBs instead of Aunt Clara’s homemade gift of choice. That brings us to this week’s exercise. Watch A Christmas Story tonight and then post your review in the comments. Wait, that’s not it, though feel free to discuss the movie if you’re so inclined.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

As the adage goes, ‘nobody wants you when you’re old’. Unless you’re a female and Grey Albright is nearby. Yo Sky, check out this smoking hot chick! *Clicks google image link*. Um, Grey? Yeah? That’s Raquel Welch. I know, right? Older the berry, the sweeter the juice, you know what I’m sayin’? *hi-pitched cackling ensues*. I get it, though, in this day and age where steroids can’t even be used to quell skin rash irritations without a 50 game suspension. We get to see athletes in their truest form: they’re human, they get tired, they get hurt, they age and their prime doesn’t last 10+ years. But as a fantasy player? EFF THAT NOISE. Bring back the greenies, baby! But I digress, the key is, ageism is a real thing at the draft table, especially for a late bloomer and in steps Steve Pearce. So what has my fantasy loins in a lather like Ann-Margaret just did a cat-walk in lady’s lingerie for Grey? Well, read on. Here’s why I think Pearce is a good get for deep leagues this year for 2015 Fantasy Baseball…

Please, blog, may I have some more?

I joined Funston, Behrens, Pianowski, Dalton Del Don, Not The Noise (someone drafted using Brad Evans name, but it wasn’t him), Rudy, Paul Singman and others. Since Singman writes for us now, we’re up to three writers in the Friends & Family draft held at Yahoo. Within ten years, it’s going to be 14 Razzball writers vs. Funston, and Funston will prolly still win after only drafting Howie Kendrick. I’m not being entirely facetious, Razzball’s results in this league have been less-than-stellar. I don’t mention this to be modest — modesty’s for nuns! — I tell you this to preamble my reasons for drafting Billy Hamilton. I feel like my Friends & Family mojo is leaking oil, the carburetor is coughing up fumes and I’m on the side of the road, with my skirt hiked up, and no one’s stopping. So, I decided to draft someone I have never drafted before and paid full price, to boot! (By the by, when I go to Italy, I like to shout, “To boot!”) Well, enough about me, more about my team! Anyway, here’s my 15-team, 5×5, roto, Friends & Family fantasy baseball draft:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

What was I thinking when I thought this would be a fun post? I came into this wanting to be Grey’s opposite for S’s and G’s, but that ship sailed south really fast. If you are disappointed that I bailed on that idea, then go to his comments any day and you can view my contrarian ways as I try to keep him honest and keep myself being…well, me being good ole me. When Rudy told me he would make me a table doing a side-by-side with dollar values, I was a little worried about how that would be accepted by the Grey-heads. Then I thought to myself, who doesn’t like money? Well maybe Monty Brewster, who hated money for 30 days, but I would too with what he had to do in that classic 80’s baseball flick. On a hunch, I went into the archives to find that Rudy wrote this post last year and realized I got duped into doing it for 2015. Well played señor Rudolfo…well played indeed.

Want to take me on in a Razzball Commenter League? Join my league here!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Well, another fantasy baseball season brings another opportunity to waste a roster spot on Chase Headley, and SPOILER ALERT, I did not disappoint. And yes, if you had to know, I was also able to draft R.A. Dickey… which would bode very well for me if this were a 20-team league format. But yeah, it’s not. It’s a 12-team auction format with two catchers and seven reserve spots. But you know me when it comes to Headley and Dickey. [Insert sexual innuendo joke here.] But yeah, this should turn out well! Regardless, when an invitation for an expert league pops up in my general direction, I usually verify with Grey to check if it’s some kind of mistake. If it wasn’t, I accept the invitation in a very vigorous fashion. Vigorous, like your mother. Whatever you think of the nomenclature (I prefer to be called a “fantasy writer”, not a “fantasy expert”), it’s difficult not to try-hard in a league that has such recognizable names as Scott White, Adam Aizer, Chris Towers, and Al Melchior. And boy did I try-hard… [Instert another sexual innuendo joke here.] But was it good enough? Only time will tell. And alcohol. A heavy regiment of alcohol. (Note: It doesn’t really tell you anything, but I like alcohol. So whatever.) Here’s the team:

Please, blog, may I have some more?