Amish text states vociferously that a Quackenbush should not render thou’s biblical nature moot. Stating, “Eroticism is the devil’s electricity, and our brains should not be hardwired to flip any switches when our nature’s bell rings. You may want to churn butter into the Quackenbush–” I just realize I had a smudge on my Amish Schoolchildren Early Education textbook and it’s not Quacken, it’s Quaker. That is my bad. So, Joaquin Benoit could be headed to the DL, and even if he’s not, he’s dealing with a shoulder issue and may not be effective. In every league I needed saves, I’d grab Kevin Quackenbush. And, if truly desperate, I’d even grab Dale Thayer. As for a Quaker bush, well, caution is advised. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Last week in the comments of this post we talked about everything but DraftKings because at this point of the season we have lost all our beer money and need to talk about something else to cope. It’s okay though because if I was winning every time I payed I would be making it rain dollar bills every night at the club and wouldn’t be writing this. I’m kidding, I love this too much and wouldn’t want to be anywhere else but here. (I’m lying I would rather be at the club blowing through my money like an 18 year old who won the lottery) Today I went with a music play in my title after being inspired by the considerable music discussions with Sky, Ralph and a very drunk Big Magoo last week. Great time fellas, I hope you come back today and we can have Thursdays with J-FOH continue. I will be honest, I like Simon and Garfunkel and Paul Simon’s solo career. It’s the music that soothes this savage beast and keeps my mind at ease. You got a F**KING PROBLEM WITH THAT? When I looked at my 8 options for arms today I was at a loss because I only have 8 options. With Zach Greinke missing his start, Madison Bumgarner, Tyson Ross and Clayton Kershaw are the three I feel most people will go with as they stay away from Julio Teheran. Julio has been so-so of late and could be overlooked as people try to avoid a blow up. I think they’re nucking futs with this one. The Braves have been swinging a hot stick and face a train wreck of a pitcher in David Holmberg which helps in getting the win. Julio has faced the Reds once this year and shut them out going 8 innings, striking out 5, walking two and only giving up 3 hits. Yummy! After two bad outings against the Dodgers and Mariners he came back with a 1 ER performance against the very dangerous A’s. He has the upside to get you double digit K’s and with a K/9 of 7.79 is not an unreasonable statement. The Reds on the year are 13th on the team K-rate chart doing it at a rate of 20.6%. I like his pairing with Madison and as I always do in my head when I hear Tehran’s name I think of the Iron Shiek from Tehran, Iran stomping on an opponent before the bell rings. Julio #1 Teheran #1, everyone else ptui!

Hey there everyone! I would like to welcome you to another episode of the Razzball football show. I’m going to talk about football and you better sit back and read this or else our big scary Canadian Nick will come visit you and make you. He has a van and is mobile taking residence in Anywhere, America as he promotes our game changing product on the 32in32in32 tour. We are changing the game before the game even knows it needs to be changed. Can you dig it! This week we launched our first ever Razzball Football IDP leagues with myself and IDP writer Kevin hosting the first two. We filled them up pretty fast and would like to do some more. If you are interested in hosting one then please leave a comment and we can work it out via e-mail. Jay, Grey and everyone here at Razzball would love your support as we keep trying to take Razzball Football to the next level. We have a damn good product with quality content and mandatory shenanigans over there. For those that don’t know, IDP stands for Individual Defensive Players where we get rid of the old boring team defense concept and select defensive backs, linebackers, and defensive lineman as a part of our squads. In my most humble opinion it makes the game viewing experience better than anything you have ever done before because the action for your team never stops. You get a rush as one of your players makes a great tackle, a sack, a pass deflection or an interception they take to the house. So what do you say. JOIN OR ELSE!

New to DraftKings? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well try out this 20 teamer of Razzball writers and friends to wet your DK whistle. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. It’s how we know you care!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Chris Tillman went 8 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks, lowering his ERA to 3.55 while dropping his 2nd half ERA to 2.14 in 46 1/3 IP. Still, the best thing about him is he doesn’t currently have a duet with Nicki Minaj on the radio. He’s the one person in the western hemisphere. You are so lucky, eastern hemisphere! Assuming you, Eastern Hemispherers, move to the western hemisphere in the next six months and don’t get all of our hand-me-down crap songs next. I lived in London in the fall of 1996, so I had a jumpstart on “Tell me what you want what you really want, what you really really want” by the Spice Girls, then when I moved back home, it just got here. I had a good solid 12 months straight of one stupid Spice Girls song. I called it A Clockwork Spice. Ready for me to tie this in? I bet you are! I was in on Tillman in the preseason the past two years, convinced he could make the jump to fantasy number two. I held him both years in the 1st half, as he got battered around, then in the 2nd half of both years after I dropped him, he buckled down and showed the kind of pitcher he can be. Unlike last year, his peripherals this year are pretty poor — 6.2 K/9, 3 BB/9, 4.31 xFIP. I’d definitely own him while he’s going well, but I don’t think he’s become anything more than a decent fantasy number four to five. Right now, he’s a Wannabe. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Hello, I’m Keith Morrison of Dateline. Today’s story is about a young closer who had the life that we all dream about — money, girls, Tony La Russa’s private phone number to find out if a product used animal testing. What Trevor Rosenthal didn’t have, his shut ‘em down stuff. We pick up the story right after Rosenthal took the mound on April 7th. He was in for his third save, but there was something wrong. Could it have been he lost his control? Or was something else lurking deep in his past — perhaps a high school sweetheart who assumed the identity of Rosenthal’s favorite Starbucks barista, who was putting Visine in his favorite latte drink. Visine that has been known, when digested, to cause runs. Coming up later, Rosenthal can’t find the strike zone for three months, he blows numerous saves, Pat Neshek looks incredible in a setup role and Matheny groans. This is the story of The $12 Salad That Became A Brain Freeze. So, the Cards have been patient with Trevor Rosenthal, even while he hasn’t looked good for the majority of the year, but recently he’s been hideous. I wouldn’t be surprised if the Cards go to Neshek, who has a 0.86 ERA, 0.57 WHIP and four saves already. Yesterday, Seth Maness (no relation to Brandon Guyer) got the save, but that was more because Neshek had thrown already in the game. As for the title, you may not stay…for Trevor stung! Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

James Paxton continued to pitch well last night versus the ferocious Tigers tossing six innings, allowing five hits, one run, walking one and striking out a pair to move to 3-0 on the year. We shall call you, Pax the Destroyer! Pax is also one of Guardians of the Galaxy, believe it or not. No, not the tree or the raccoon. No, he’s not Scott Hatteberg from Moneyball or the smoking hot green alien either, but the other guy. The big guy. Yeah, him, apparently, he can pitch too. Since returning from the DL at the beginning of the month, he’s got a 2.16 ERA in three starts, giving up 4 ER, 15 hits and 4 walks while striking out 11 in 16.2 innings against some of the leagues top offenses (Baltimore, White Sox and Detroit). Sure, the stats aren’t overwhelming, but he’s still adjusting after returning from four months on the DL with a strained lat, and if you take his early season stats into account, the Destroyer holds a 0.94 WHIP and a 24/6 K/BB ratio. Also, the sample size is tiny, but the .236 BABIP and the 2.61 xFIP sure are pretty to look at. The M’s need Paxton to step up big time down the stretch, and I think he could do the same for your fantasy team. Pax the Destroyer gets the Phillies next week, and he’s undefeated, getting better by the start. He’s available in little over 70% of leagues and you don’t have to be a space pirate, a weird alien tree man, or a even Xandarian collector to see he could be worthy of a pick up in most leagues.

Here’s what else happened in fantasy baseball Friday night:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Low voice, “Wow.” Digs ditch, steps down, “Wow.” Need more emphasis. Buys a mini-excavator, consults with architects about installing a down escalator, begins construction, gets behind on schedule, fires a guy that smokes more than he digs, hires a foreman that seems like he knows what he’s doing, foreman runs off with money, tracks foreman down in Aruba hanging out with Andruw Jones, punches foreman, watches Andruw Jones make diving catch of forearm’s body, heads back to the States to oversee completion of down escalator, breaks champagne on escalator, travels down a full story and, “WOW!” Do you see what I go though to emphasize something for you? After Mike Fiers struck out 14 Cubs in 6 innings, he can have anything he wants. Sleep with my Cougs, she’s all yours! He now has a 1.29 ERA, a 10.3 K/9 and 2.1 BB/9 after 21 IP, after blowing through the minor leagues with a 11.3 K/9. I grabbed him in one 12 team league and looked to pick him up in every league, but he wasn’t there. I forgot the most important lesson, you couldn’t get Michael Fiers if you were f***ing Michael Fiers! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

This never should have happened, but do you remember a time when Gangnam Style was cool? It’s hard to remember, I know, but I’m talking about the dark ages of 2012; the same year Jeremy Hellickson was last an effective pitcher. Following a disastrous 2013 campaign, Hellickson underwent offseason surgery, and tonight will be his third start off the DL. Against very mediocre competition (BOS and KC), he’s looked rusty (as expected), and I don’t think he’ll get his groove back against the Angels, who are probably my favorite stack of the night. Los Angeles of Anaheim of California of Earth has struggled to put up runs recently, but I expect an outburst at the Trop. So, feel free to take a hit off my stack pipe, but if you’re chicken, see below for some other players who gon’ do the damn thing.

New to DraftKings? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well try out this 20 teamer of Razzball writers and friends to wet your DK whistle. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. It’s how we know you care!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Something many of you don’t realize, but one of the first people to talk to a player that was just traded is his new team’s tailor. The Yankees tailor got on the phone with Chase Headley to find out what size jersey he wears, and Headley looked down, beaming to be out of Petco, and said, “Giuseppe, you might want to take out my inseam too.” I wonder if the flowers smelled a little better as Headley stepped into Yankee Stadium for the first time. Sure, in contrast to his hour long ride through the Bronx, getting lost in Hunts Point, anything would smell better, but it can’t be worse, can it? His career in away games prorated over a 162 game season is: 79/19/79/.286/14. Doode’s David Wright! Well, almost. Which is sad for Headley and Wright. More sad for Wright. What a guy does in only half a season can be anywhere from bupkis to I-want-to-bump-grind-and-kiss. Will Headley suddenly be mixed league worthy? Yeah, for at least a flyer, if nothing else. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

So it’s not really the 2nd half mark in the fantasy baseball season, but it’s the All-Star Break so what else are we going to talk about? Hell’s Kitchen? Is it even believable that these people would one day be in charge of a kitchen? There’s Real World castmates who seem like they have their shizz together better than these schmohawks. I like the one guy who burps a lot. He seems ready to run a kitchen! MasterChef, though, that show is the Sistine Chapel of reality shows. Okay, as with all of the other 2014 fantasy baseball rankings, take this list with a grain of salt. If you need a 2nd baseman, but an outfielder is above him that doesn’t mean you can’t trade the outfielder for the 2nd baseman. Also, things change in fantasy baseball. Daily. I could put Miggy number three on the top 100 list for the second half of 2014 and he could get in a fight with a bartender (not Tom Wilhelmsen) tomorrow, then he wouldn’t be number one. See how that works. This list is a road map for where I think guys are valued. It’s not the Holy Grail in the Church of Grey, that would be my mustache. This list is NOT (caps for emphasis, not aesthetics) where I see guys ending up if you were to take their first half and combine it with the 2nd half of their season. This is simply a list of the top hundred fantasy baseball players if you were to pick them up today. So while Carlos Santana did not have the greatest first half, he will appear on this list because I still believe. The projections are not their combined 1st half and 2nd half numbers; these are their projections for the 2nd half of 2014. I also liberally used our rest of the season Fantasy Baseball Player Rater. That’s right, we have a Player Rater that tells you what guys will do. Welcome to the future! Anyway, here’s the top 100 for fantasy baseball for the 2nd half of 2014:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Thank God Apollo Creed was played by Carl Weathers and not Khris Davis. The reason I say this is because when Balboa Switched to Southpaw in the last round of Rocky 2 Davis would have killed him! Khris Davis (OF, $4,100) is a cyborg sent to Earth to destroy lefty pitching. (A Cyborg huh? That’s a bit overly dramatic don’t you think?) No seriously he is!! Allow me to explain. This season Davis has a .452 wOBA against lefties with 6 homers, 16 Rbi’s, and a wRC+ of 191. Davis’ wRC+ against lefties is more than double what it is against righties. Lucky for Davis, The Brewers, and most esspically us Daily Fantasy Players he faces a lefty tomorrow….a bad one. Christian Friedrich is a lefty who in 17 career starts has an ERA of 6.15. He also has a HR/9 of 1.49 to go along with a tidy 3.28 BB/9, what I’m more or less saying is the Brewers stack is very much in play today. The only way this matchup could setup any better for the Brewers is if the game was played in Coors with metal bats filled with super balls. I think Carlos Gomez (OF, $4,500), Jonathan Lucroy (C, $4,600), and Aramis Ramirez (3B, $4,900) are all solid plays today. I’d suggest Ryan Braun (OF, $5.600) but his price tag is too high considering his numbers against lefties are the worst of all the Brew-Crew members named.

Now time for my shameless plug!

If you’re not playing daily fantasy baseball with us on Draftkings you’re missing out. Not only will we hook you up with a ticket to one free game just for signing up. Once you’re on you’ll have the oppourtunity to play head to head against some of your favorite Razzball writers in the contests we’re running daily. We’ve been filling up a 20 team league the last couple of nights and the competition has been great. I’ll make sure to post the link below. There’s also no need to fret about who to start because with our daily columns and advanced tools like the DFSbot, Hitter-tron, and Stream-o-Nator. In other words we got you covered.

Without Further Ado my Draftkings picks for June 26th 2014.

Please, blog, may I have some more?