Fantasy Baseball Advice

In the preseason, I said Adam Lind could contend for the MVP.  Wow.  It’s almost like Matthew Berry put that thought in my head.  In a litany of dopey things I’ve said, that might take the cake, frost it and smush it into my face.  The Berry feeds the Grey (bad advice), the Berry feeds the Grey (bad advice)… Hi-ho, the marry-o… What was I thinking?!  In my defense, he didn’t have an ailing back when I said that flimflammery and I told you to drop him outright a few weeks ago.  Oh, well, that’s what you get sometimes from crazy predictions.  Just flat-out crazy.  Like I should be walking into traffic in a burlap sack crazy.  So the Jays added a third A to Lind’s first name, sending him to the minors.  Since he was hitting like an infant, it makes sense.  In his place, the Jays called up Yan Gomes.  What’s with people and the last name Gomes unable to spell John?  Yanny was hitting .359 with 5 dingers in Triple-A.  Whatever, right?  Well, he’s a catcher, so those are like MVP (dah!) numbers.  In AL-Only leagues, I could see grabbing him.  Right now, he’s behind J.P., Mathis, Lawrie and Encarnacion, but Lawrie’s got a suspension and Edwin just made an error and the Jays game doesn’t even start for 12 hours, so Yanny could see time all over the field.  Yesterday, he played third and went 2-for-3.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Brett Lawrie – Unable to decide on the shadow coat rack or just bad calls, he dropped his appeal.  He is also practicing counting to ten before blowing his top.  As soon as he figures out what comes after 6 it should be a breeze.

J.P. Arencibia – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer in as many games.  I think he leads my RCL team in homers.  Now I will cry.

Mat Latos – 5 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 7 Ks which equals a pretty mediocre start in Metco.  This was his chance to string three quality starts together.  At best, that chance only comes around once every three starts!

Lucas Duda – I didn’t mention it yesterday when he had a 3-for-4 day because I wasn’t sure if it would be a 3-for-4 day followed by a 1-for-4 day or a 3-for-4 day followed by a 3-for-4 day or a 2-for-5 day.  It turns out that 3-for-4 day became a 2-for-5 day and now he looks like he’s a hot schmotato again.  And, sorry, I think my 3-for-4 day record is scratched; it keeps repeating.

Ike Davis – 0-for-2 to lower his average to .164.  He’ll be fine.  He has his family’s support.  You know who I really worry about?  That poor soul who drafted Hosmer and Ike Davis.

David Wright – 2-for-2 with his 4th steal.  I pledged a nickel to Jerry Lewis’s Kids for every time I mention Wright.  We’re up to fifteen cents.

Dayan Viciedo – 1-for-4 with his 6th homer and 3rd in the last 4 games, and hitting .381 in the last week.  As we know, Viciedo is Latin for I Swing Therefore I Am, and he’s living up to that.  In 118 ABs, he has 32 Ks and 3 walks, but if he’s swinging a hot bat, what do you care?

Chris Sale – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks as the White Sox let him throw 102 pitches.  Could someone help the White Sox tie their shoes because they’re wearing kid gloves?

Josh Reddick – 2-for-5 with his 10th homer.  I wouldn’t use Reddick’s towel to dry my hands, but I’m sure enjoying him on our teams.

Adam Wainwright – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 1 K.  Far from a beautiful outing vs. the Melky-led Giants.  “Yo, Giants fans, you got Melky in your three hole.  Y’all is spoiled!”  That’s a Padres fan talking.  If you heard this week’s podcast, Rudy and I discussed Wainwright with some favorable mentions and whatnot.

Allen Craig – Out for a few days with a tight hammy.  Wouldn’t surprise me to see him hit the DL.  Poor guy, can’t have nothing nice with his health around.  It’s like Chipper Jones is his mentor. “Now, when you get out of bed, you’re gonna feel your quad tighten up.  That’s totally natural.”

Matt Carpenter – 3-for-5, 2 runs as he got the start in right field with Berkman back in the lineup.  He should continue to see starts with Craig pulling a Craig.  I’m also convinced that the Cards could put anyone in their lineup and they’d hit.

Charlie Culberson – The Charlie Culberson Era has officially begun!  That’s almost as electrifying as TBS’s George Lopez Era.  Charlie Culberson sounds like he has grit and other intangibles, but for s’s and g’s let’s see what tangibles he has.  This year in Triple-A, he hit 5 homers with a steal.  The year before in Double-A, 10 homers, 14 steals.  His glove’s a bit sloppy, i.e., Charlie Culberson makes fielding grounders cumbersome (say that fast 117 times!).  Sounds nice for fantasy, right?  Yeah, he might also hit .210.  Charlie Culberson not only has a name that only sounds right if you say the whole thing, but he also hasn’t seen too many pitches he doesn’t like.  In NL-Only leagues, you can find worse — like the other schmohawks the Giants were playing at 2nd.  In mixed leagues, let’s see how ol’ Charlie Culberson plays out.

Trevor Plouffe – 1-for-4 with his 3rd homer.  Plouffe goes the dynamite!

Justin Morneau – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer.  Don’t sleep on Morneau!  Seriously, because if you guys knock heads while laying on top of him, you may seriously hurt him.  If you really need a corner infidel, I’d go ahead and grab him.  Of ghrabi him, if you like things spelled to look like they’re in the Middle East.

Matt Capps – Perfect inning to notch his 8th save.  I’m totally jinxing him by even talking about him, but I remember distinctly during our RCL draft (after ending up with Cano instead of Votto!), Rudy saying to me how Storen and Valverde were the solid closers that I drafted, but how I’m gonna regret Capps.  This year more than most, it just proves SAGNOF!  Draft three closers, pray they work out and don’t overpay for them.

Mark Trumbo – 4-for-4 with a steal (hitting .370) while Pujols hit his 3rd homer and 2nd in as many games.  It only took Scioscia 39 games to figure out a lineup!  Don’t worry, it’ll take the Sciosciapath only a day to forget.   Oh, and good luck on buying low on Pujols now.  Oh, Part II:  The Return Of Oh:  This Pujols turnaround all started with the firing of the hitting coach.

C.J. Wilson – 3 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners (6 BBs), 3 Ks.  Fire the pitching coach!

Mitch Moreland – 2-for-2, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and 2 jacks.  Don’t you despise people who call homers jacks?  It’s not as bad as people who use the word uber, but it’s not far off.

Ryan Roberts – 3-for-5 yesterday, and, since his Creeper of the Week post on Monday, he’s 7-for-18 with a steal and two new tats.

Justin Upton – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer to raise his average to .224.  If you had thoughts of buying low, time could be slipping, slipping, slipping into the frontal suture.  Damn you, Autocorrect!

Trevor Bauer – Was promoted from Double-A to Triple-A yesterday as he slowly makes his way to the majors.  He’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell.  Bob Sugar read it and gave me a thumbs up.

Orlando Hudson – Was released by the Padres.  You know who’s ears are perking up?  Brian Sabean.  He likes his meat aged, jerky!  I wish Orlando Hudson the best; I always loved his mom, Florida Evans.

Carlos Ruiz – 4-for-5, 3 RBIs and a steal.  He’s doing better than my Utility man in the RCL.  It’s sad, because it’s true.

Troy Tulowitzki – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer.  That’s his first homer since April 27th.  That’s a long delay on the snooze button.

Brandon Beachy – 9 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks to lower his ERA to 1.33.  Pretttay, pretttay good.  He could be a top ten starter this year, and that guy that has an ERA around 2.50 in September.  With Beachy, it’s no shore thing, but ride the wave.

Jordan Zimmermann – 6 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks as he was beat by a Barajas homer.  Or as J-Z would say B*****s.

Dee Gordon – 0-for-3, lowering his average to .207.  If he doesn’t turn it around, we’re about ten days away from him being demoted.

James McDonald – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 11 Ks.  Five and two-thirds and only 5 baserunners with 11 Ks but 3 earned?  That doesn’t even seem possible.  Raw deal, J-Mac.  A’ight, real talk, guys and 4 girls, McDonald used to be a top prospect.  It was a while ago now, but maybe he’s putting his shizz on lock.  You feel me?  Okay, you’re just touching the computer screen; you’re not actually feeling me.  McDonald has around a 8 K/9, a strong FIP (2.88), and his walks are in check.  If Mickey D’s is out there, I’d absolutely grab him.

Andrew McCutchen – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and 2 homers.  He’s going for the record of most homers with the least amount of RBIs.  The Pirates are doing all they can to support that record-setting goal.

Matt Moore – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks vs. the Red Sox.  I’m sure this was a bit of a sonavabench for a bunch of you, but I’d much rather have a struggling starter do well on my bench than continue to stink up the joint.

Ricky Nolasco – 4 IP, 4 ER.  Aw, how sad, he was Rudy’s streamboat in the RCL.  Oh, wait, he benched him.  Sonavawishhewasn’tbenched!

Jose Altuve – 3-for-5 and his 8th steal.  I asked Rudy the other day if he thought Altuve should start being dropped in 12 team leagues.  His words were something like, “He’s a .300 hitter with 25 steal speed at the top of a lineup, what do people want from an MI?”

Doug Fister – 6 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners, 5 Ks and took the loss as he ran into the hot-hitting Twins.  I’m not completely joking either.  They actually have scored some runs of late.  Though, Mauer, who’s hitting .265, sure hasn’t been involved.

Welington Castillo – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his first homer.  You think he gets this a lot, “Where’s the beef, Welington?”  Probably not.  I’m not going to say he’s a better option than Geovany Soto.  That’s obvious.  Soto has a bad case of can’t-hit-to-save-his-life-itis and a sore knee.  Welington had 15 homers last year in Triple-A.  Right now, he’s just for two catcher leagues, but I could see him stealing more time from Soto even when the latter gets healthy.

Johnny Giavotella – 1-for-4 to raise his average to .176 as the Guido played over Hosmer.  Sadly, it makes sense.

Brian Matusz – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks vs. Luke Hochevar – 6 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks.  That sounds like a tailor-made matchup for some fingercuffing that didn’t work out great for either finger.

Dustin Ackley – 1-for-5 with a steal.  Hey, his cleats arrived from Japan!

Brandon League – 1/3 IP, 2 ER.  And on the fourth day, God said only Fernando Rodney and Jim Johnson can close with ERAs under 3.

Ichiro Suzuki – 0-for-6 to lower his average to .278.  Doode got old fast, right?  It’s my Morita Law of Asian Ages.  Pat Morita was young and spry on Happy Days, then five years later as Mr. Miyagi he looked ancient.

Hector Noesi – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks to lower his ERA to 5.61.  On a side note, I wonder if Carlos Beltran would pay for Jon Niese to have his last name changed to Noesi.

Will Middlebrooks was called up to step between his brother, Donnybrook, Bobby Valentine and Youuuuuuuuuk.  Youuuuuuuuuk said, “Ow, my back hurts, I need the DL,” Valentine said, “Just wrap yourself in lavash, that makes everything better.”  Donnybrook erupted in a public place because of needling from Sawx fans and Will Middlebrooks hits a lot of homers in the minors.  Hello, Will, you be staying for dinner?  I’ve prepared a nice spot at the corner spot.  Please disregard the Rays embossed flatware that I have there; it was for someone else.  This year in 23 games in Triple-A, Middlebrooks hit 9 homers and stole three bases.  Last year, he hit 18 in Double-A in 96 games and 7 in 17 games in the low minors.  Yesterday, he went 2-for-3 and stole a base.  He strikes out way too much currently with little to no walks for him to come close to putting up a good average over the long haul.  But long hauls are why you pay movers on Craigslist.  You’re looking at short term if you lost Longoria and, for that, I say grab him in AL-Only and deep mixed leagues.  If you’re in a league where you can grab Alvarez or Chris Davis, then I’d go with them right now.  And, no, I never thought I’d be saying that a month ago.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Josh Beckett – Beckett will only miss one start due to his lat soreness.  Lat’s all, folks.

Mark Prior – Signed by the Red Sox.  Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent desperation.

Mat Gamel – Just when he was finally proving that with playing time he couldn’t hit, he torn his ACL and will miss the season.  Mark down 2013 as the season Gamel can truly disappoint.  With Travis Ishikawa, the Brewers planned for the worst with their 1st base backup, and by that I don’t mean they planned ahead, I mean they literally planned to have the worst backup.

Corey Hart – Due to their aforementioned planning, the Brewers hit grounders at Corey Hart, acclimating him to first.  He said, “I might sneak in there…”  What are you a ninja?  Weeks throws it over to Ishikawa– Bam!  Corey Hart just snuck in and grabbed the throw.

Ryan Braun – Might need a day or two rest after leaving yesterday’s game with a sore Achilles.  Hopefully, he doesn’t have a doctor who stutters because instructing him that he needs to “heal heel” could get confusing for all parties.

Anthony Rizzo – Cubs have discussed internally how to get LaHair and Rizzo in the same lineup.  Razzball Exclusive!  Here’s the Cubs’ inner monologue, “Well, if we agree to off Chone Figgins for the Mariners, and they agree to off Alfonso Soriano, then no one will suspect a thing.”

Bryan LaHair – He hit his 6th homer yesterday.  Hey, Cubs, don’t comb over LaHair yet!

Jeff Samardzija – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Yeah, you should pick up Samardetc.  Yes, you.

Cory Luebke – Lands on the DL with elbow soreness.  I want to think good thoughts here and say he’ll be fine when his DL stint is up and he’ll only miss a few starts, but I can’t say that because he’s a pitcher with pitching elbow soreness.

Chipper Jones – 3-for-6, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer.  Glass Chipper said yesterday that it’s a daily decision on whether he can play or not on his knee.  And here I thought he woke up on Thursday and said, “I think I’m gonna have a sore knee on Tuesday.”

Brett Gardner – Shutdown from baseball-related activities for a few days.  No spitting or grabbing your crotch for you!

Ryan Zimmerman – In case you missed it, Zimmerman’s return date was bumped from Sunday to Tuesday.  Here’s Zimmerman at the Genius Bar, “Hey, for some reason I marked my iCal down to give me a reminder to have an injury setback every day at 2 PM, and it’s not showing up until 4.”

Roy Halladay – 5 1/3 IP, 8 ER.  That’s like the pitching equivalent to what Pujols has been doing for the past month.

Carlos Ruiz – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 7 RBIs and his 4th homer.  7 RBIs is more than some of my teams have combined all week.  I will now squeeze myself into an industrial-sized microwave.

Kyle Seager – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and 2 homers.  In our AL-Only team where we lost Longoria, we had Seager back him up.  With back-ups like that who needs front men?  Am I right, last man standing on Blake Shelton’s team from The Voice?  Though I’m simply rooting for “anyone but opera guy” to win.

Jed Lowrie – 3-for-4, 3 runs after hitting a homer yesterday.  You say potato, I say hot schmotato.

Chris Johnson – 4-for-4 as he DIV/0#x’d his HR total with his first 2 HRs of the year in a 6 RBI game.  He is a fantastic 3rd base play 8 times a year.  If he could concentrate that in 1 week and give me a heads up, it would be appreciated.

Kelly Johnson – It was a good day to be a Johnson as Kelly hit his 6th HR while hitting leadoff for the first time this year.  In retrospect, it’s odd that Bobby Cox hated this guy given their surnames are equally phallic.

Brett Lawrie – 0-for-4 as the Blue Jays scored 11 runs.  Ticker tease!

Edwin Encarnacion – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs with his 9th homer.  Coincidentally, this was the 9th time I sighed this season saying, “Why didn’t I draft Encarnacion?”

Jake Arrieta – 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Been having a hard time coming around on O’s starters, but Arrieta, like a true love or a really good sandwich, is giving me something to believe in.  Two weeks ago, he was in the Buy, two and a half years ago Stephen wrote about him.  Member Stephen?  His picture looked like Alf blowing a bubble.  Anyway, grab Arrieta.  It’s good for your pancreas (and fantasy baseball team).

Nick Markakis – 2-for-5 and his 3rd homer.  Sparkakis!  Never has such a good rallying call been so wasted.

Matt Harrison – 3 1/3 IP, 8 ER, 10 baserunners.  My sweet lord that sucks!  Hope Harrison found some inner peace while owners’ ERA and WHIP gently weep.

Jonathan Sanchez – 5 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 2 Ks as he outdueled Verlander, but Crow blew the win as retaliation for Sanchez’s bullpen-taxing short outings and his pranks in the bullpen that show an odd appreciation for Rollie Fingers.

Brennan Boesch – 1-for-4 with his 4th Boesch and bomb!

B.J. Upton – Should be fine after leaving yesterday’s game with cramping.  Not the first time I’ve heard a B.J. pulling up short due to cramps.

Chris Schwinden – 4 IP, 5 ER vs. the Astros.  In the first row at Minute Maid Park was Barbara Bush or as Schwinden would call her Babraham Lincoln.

Carlos Gonzalez – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs with his 6th and 7th homers of the year.  Yeah, and Matt Kemp poops out 6th and 7th homers for breakfast.

Jeff Suppan – 5 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Does Hodgepadre’ing know no (stutterer!) bounds?  Apparently not.

J.J. Putz – 2/3 IP, 2 ER and his 2nd blown save.  Call me when he’s got 4 blown saves like every other closer!

Justin Upton – 1-for-3 with a slam & legs.  One of the Upton’s knows how to satisfy his owners and surprisingly it’s not the one named B.J.

A.J. Burnett – 2 2/3 IP, 12 ER vs. St. Louis.  Don’t mess with the Cardinals now that they got that Albertross off their team.

Carlos Beltran – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 7 RBIs with his 6th and 7th homers.  Looks like Berkman bit Beltran and now he’s the new Zombino.

Brian Fuentes – Recorded the save because Balfour’s been ineffective and just threw 29 pitches the day before.  I speculated on Ryan Cook, because at least he’s been good, but the A’s look like they went with a known (if crappy) commodity in Fuentes.  Eh, Fuentes is just a dog with different fleas and if you think he’s good, you’ve been in the monkey house too long, as Tim Gunn would say.

Heath Bell – Zero recorded outs, blown save, ERA balloons to 11.74.  In the next week, one of two things will happen to Bell:  Cishek or Mujica will take over the closing job or he will be traded to the Red Sox.

Ian Desmond – 2-for-5 with his 3rd homer which was a walk off homer to give my man Henry Rodriguez a win.  Like I needed more reason to like Ian Desmond.  C’mon, you tantalizer!

Stephen Lombardozzi – 1-for-3, hitting .293 in the two hole.  Hold on, I wanna call Ms. Cleo of the Psychic Friends Hotline.  “Hello, Ms. Cleo?”  “Hey, child, how you doing with your fine moo-stache?”  “Good, Ms. Cleo, question for you.  What do you see happening next week with Espinosa and Lombardozzi when Zimmerman returns?”  “What a good question from such a handsome, young man!  Next week, Zimmerman will return and Lombardozzi will take over 2nd base and Espinosa will be sent–”  Sorry, I had to cut off before I was charged the extra $1.99, but she was about to say he’d be sent down.  I think Ms. Cleo’s on to something.

Jered Weaver – Threw a no-hitter with one walk and 9 Ks.  It was like he was facing nine Pujolses.

Heath Bell is giving out two run innings like he’s Daryl Hannah giving out crazy vibes. Yesterday, was the fourth time in 8 appearances this year he’s allowed 2 runs.  His WHIP (2.70) looks like an ERA, his ERA looks a perfect score from a corrupt figure skater judge (10.80) and the Red Sox are wondering if he can be their closer.  At some point, Bell should be replaced as closer, and, with the way he’s been pitching, that point was about three weeks ago.  Astute Razzball reader, “Is Cishek or Mujica the replacement?”  I thought you were the astute one.  Mujica looks to be the set-up man, but I think Cishek gets first crack.  It’s called a hunch, like how Guy Fieri eats a sandwich.  As of right now, I wouldn’t drop Bell, but I also wouldn’t put him in my active roster.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Juan Carlos Oviedo – MLB suspended Juan Carlos Ovideo (Leo Nunez) for eight weeks for using a fake identity.  No plan to suspend Heath Bell for impersonating Kevin Gregg.  In his time off, Leo the Lyin’ plans on snorkeling through Atlantis, talking to his giant rabbit Harvey and hunting Sasquatch.

Yu Darvish – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Looking like a true sterling Darvish.

Evan Longoria – Left yesterday’s game with a knee injury after trying to steal 2nd.  The Rays are calling it “knee soreness.”  I’m calling it “it better be just soreness.”

Miguel Olivo – Homered, but whatever he also left yesterday’s game because his groin got injury duty, leaving the M’s summonsing Montero (who also homered)!  Olivo’s headed to the 15-day DL, so guess who will get 10 games played at catcher just a tad quicker now?  Hey, I’m smiling.  That feels weird.

Edwin Encarnacion – 2-for-3 with his 8th homer and 4th game in a row with one.  His hot hitting has my heart stopped…. captured…. arrested… It’s a case of Edwin Incarceration.

Allen Craig – Look at Allen Craig strutting around with two first names while R. Kelly’s only got an initial.  Craig is set to return from the DL.  Probably won’t play 2nd base, but whatever, that’s real baseball talk.  He’s eligible there in most fantasy leagues.  He could get teen homers and a handful of steals with everyday playing time, which he should have.

Kyle Drabek – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, as he lowers his ERA to 2.40 while striking out nearly a batter per inning.  I’ve told just about anyone who’s asked in the comments that they should pick up Drabek, friend.

Brad Lidge – He’s gonna miss May with hernia surgery.  So he went from Vertigo to Nads on a Strain.

Tom Milone – 4 2/3 IP, 7 ER in Fenway.  Eh, even in our deep leagues we benched Milone here.  Don’t hate the playa (not Spanish for beach), hate the game.

Kevin Youkilis – Was scratched with a sore back.  Weird, that usually happens to me with an itchy back.

David Ortiz – 2-for-3 with his 5th and 6th homers as he bats .405 with 20 RBIs.  Of course I should’ve just drafted Ortiz in the 2nd round instead of Giancarlo Stanton.  I will now lock myself in my cry closet.

Jason Hammel – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  His ERA is now at 1.97.  Good thing Matusz was the Orioles starter to watch coming out of Spring Training.  Sideways emoticon with an elbow nudge.

Ryan Braun – 3 homers in Petco with the 2nd one being airmailed, but it still counted.

David Robertson – 1 IP, 3 Ks.  K-Rob’s ERA is 0.00 and WHIP is 0.91, having allowed 7 baserunners in 11 IP to go with his 18 Ks.  He’s owned in 12% of ESPN leagues and he’s headed for a better year than probably at least two of the starters on your fantasy team.

Patrick Corbin – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Isn’t this Patrick Corbin guy the one Carrie bides her time with while she waits for Mr. Big to come to his senses?  She looks like a horse; horses are hot; what else do you need, Mr. Big?  Any the hoo!  In mixed leagues, wake me when Trevor Bauer’s called up.  Or even Tyler Skaggs.  Or Boz Scaggs.

Justin Upton – 2-for-5 with his 2nd homer and the Desmond Jennings Special, a slam & legs.  Call a fireplace cause Upton looks like he’s starting to swing some hot lumber!  Can someone give me an AM radio-style bassoon, triangle, horn?

Paul Goldschmidt – 1-for-3 with a steal as he bats .193 and hit cleanup. Pretty appropriate since he’s been dirtying fantasy lineups all year.

Justin Morneau – Left yesterday’s game with a sore wrist.  This Justin, Morneau’s an injury waiting to happen.

Bryan LaHair – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer.  For those who are like, “LaWhere did this come from?”  He hit 38 homers last year in the PCL.  Granted the PCL fills their baseballs with helium, but he’s still got power to spare.

Tony Campana – 0-for-4 with a run and a steal.  When he’s in the dugout, the Cubs hang him from a coat hanger and his legs continue to run.

Matt Kemp – Hit his 12th homer yesterday.  The Padres collectively have 11, Cubs have 8 and Infante has 5.

Juan Nicasio – 6 IP, 2 ER, 11 baserunners, 4 Ks.  That looks about right for the line you can expect from Nicasio.  Maybe a touch more K and a tad less LOB.

Vance Worley – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks as he was done wrong by his bullpen that gave up his win.  He’s probably suffering from Münchausen Syndrome because of the rest of the starters in the majors.

Pedro Alvarez – 1-for-4 with his 5th homer.  Fine, I picked him up.  I had a gaping hole left by Zimmerman, so, with a heavy heart, I went back to the Pedro Alvarez well.  The worst thing that could’ve happened was I ended up ignoring Alvarez this year because of how burnt I got last year.  The 2nd worst thing that could happen is I get burnt again this year.  Yay.

James McDonald – 7 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 10 Ks.  There’s the old (once-hyped) McDonald.  Has now strung together back-to-back solid starts with excellent Ks.  I don’t think he’s going to be without his hiccups.

Mike Minor – 6 1/3 IP, 7 ER, 11 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Speaking of hiccups, looking at Minor’s start would cure his owners of them.  I’m guessing with 11 baserunners, seven earned and 9 Ks through 6 and a third, he was pretty unlucky.  Too bad I don’t play in any FIPpin’ leagues that care about luck.

Delmon Young – Suspended for 7 days after an incident where he was allegedly yelling anti-Semitic remarks.  Delmon said he was just playing Words With Friends.

In the doubleheader, Nate Schierholtz went 6-for-10 with a homer, 2 runs, 3 RBIs, steal and back-to-back-to-back-to-back-to-back-etc. starts from Bochy, go ahead with your big head self!  “This is the year Schierholtz breaks out!  And fill up my Merlot!”  That’s every Giants fan for the last three years.  Then within a few weeks, he’s usually hurt.  If Schierholtz is indeed German for pantyhose, he sure gets rips in them quickly.  Maybe he should bathe in clear nail polish.  (See, ladies, Grey doesn’t forget about you.)  Schierholtz has power, he just needs to stay healthy.  For now, I’d pick him up in all leagues.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Tim Lincecum – Good news:  5 IP, 1 ER, 8 Ks.  Bad news: 4 hits, 5 walks, 108 pitches.  Reminds me of my stat lines when playing backyard Wiffle Ball.  Maybe Timmy needs to throw to a Pitchback instead of a Posey.

Mike Gonzalez – Boras said Gonzalez is expected to sign with a club in the next ten days.  Boras better get a deal fast before the terrible closer bubble bursts.

Lorenzo Cain – Expected to come off the DL on Friday.  Make room in your fantasy cupboard for Cain…Sugar!

Josh Donaldson – After starting the year on a sub-.100 anti-tear, the A’s brushed him aside like the ABC makeup lady used to do to his grandfather’s hair.  He will be sorely missed by opposing pitchers, Fantasy Razzball managers, and frustrated owners in 2-catcher leagues who hoped he could outperform the Barajii of the league.

Adrian Beltre – Should return soon as the MRI showed his leg was normal.  Right above the foot and below the hip.

Francisco Liriano – Twins will skip his next start.  Guess that’s easier and more legal than getting John McDonald to drop a knee on his head.

Josh Willingham – Out until Friday on maternity leave.  A lesson in the birds and the bees brought to you by Grey Albright:  Nine months ago there was a Drillingham with a throbbing lardon, asking to porker and now there’s a baby back.

Derek Holland – 6 IP, 7 ER, 13 baserunners, 1 K.  An embarrassment to pitchers and mustaches everywhere.

Josh Hamilton – 1-for-4 with his 8th homer as everyone who didn’t draft Hamilton continues to have their balloon Burrst.

Hunter Pence – Missed yesterday with a sore shoulder.  Chase Utley scoffed and raised him a sore everything.

Michael Bowden – The key piece in the Byrd trade is headed to the bullpen as predicted here first after reading it elsewhere.  He was a top pitching prospect once, but had a pedestrian K-rate as a starter in AAA so they turned him into a closer where he showed some signs of dominance (10+ K/9).  Nothing to see right now, but, if he has some early success and Marmol is traded (as I think he will be), Bowden could be saving games by the end of the year.

Cody Ross – 2 HRs yesterday and another one on Saturday (his last game).  Hot schmotato!

Daniel Bard – Shut the door yesterday in the 8th inning, but Bobby Valentine said that there’s no “great temptation” to have Bard stay in the bullpen.  In related news, Valentine is going for psychological testing.

Jake Peavy – 9 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Now has an ERA of 1.88.  I told you to draft him in the preseason, I drafted him in the preseason and then I dropped him.  Why do you make me rue?  I don’t wish to rue.  I’m fine with no ruing.  I’m stirring butter and flour in my soul!

Alex Rios – 3-for-5, hitting .360 on the season and hitting about .500 over the last week.  Cust kayin’.

Dontrelle Willis – The O’s confirmed that they signed Willis.  This was hilarious to me.  I imagine the O’s front office said, “Dah!  Yes, we signed Willis.  Stop mocking us!”

Chris Capuano – 7 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Is it the Year of the Cap?  Not probably, no.  But he could have end of the rotation appeal in mixed leagues and be one of those guys that’s cheap in NL-Only leagues that can really help you.

Michael Pineda – Headed for an MRI on Tuesday.  Here’s the Cliff Notes of a book I wrote (besides this one).  The name of this other book, “Signs of Trouble for Your Fantasy Starter.”  Chapter One:  If your starter is shut down and almost a month later they need an MRI, it’s not good.

CC Sabathia – 8 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks as he has an ERA of 5.27. Without looking at our Player Rater, I’m guessing his FIP is much lower.

Derek Jeter – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI, batting .411.  So is he an Early Bird Special or a (Fill-in blank for term of older player who has a renaissance year.  Regarding that term that I asked for with Beltran last week.  I liked Ponce De Leon-g Balls, Hologram Tupac and Dead Cat Bounce, but Rudy nixed them.)?

Dillon Gee – 6 2/3 IP, 7 ER.  He alternated good start/bad start last year and he’s continuing this trend.  It’s pretty uncanny.  It’s like his job is to rope in and frustrate streamers and he takes his job very seriously.

Jason Bay – Left yesterday’s game with bruised ribs, which is nowhere near as delicious as braised ribs.

Hideki Matsui – Rumored to be signing a minor league deal with the Rays.  The Rays hope he still has a little left in the tank if they need a lefty DH.  Matsui just wants a job and heard good things about their potato chips.

Brandon Morrow – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Can we get Scooby on the Case of Morrow’s Missing Ks?  He only had 2 starts all last year of 3 Ks or less and he’s already had 3 starts this year like that and his other start was a 4 K effort.  His velocity didn’t look bad last night, but I’m starting to get concerned.  A guy who walks as many as he does (though he didn’t yesterday), isn’t very cute without Ks.

Krispie Young – Won’t return when his DL stint is up in 15 days.  With a ligament tear in his shoulder?  Really?  Here I thought a ligament tear was a good thing.  Just when you think you got the world figured out.  Wow.  File that in the surpriseapedia.

Wade Miley – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. the Phillies (Just think, Phils fans, in another 25 years your team will be good again, not like the Red Sox who have to wait 80 years.), and Bauer’s call-up just took two steps back with this Miley effort.  The key word with Miley is serviceable.  That makes for good real world pitching and only matchups appeal in fantasy.

Justin Upton – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs as he hit his first homer.  Formally document it:  In the nick of time, Justin.

Eric Hosmer – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer in 3 games and 4th on the year.  He’s still hitting .203, but I bet he’s about to go on a tear and be hitting near .260 by this time next week.  Get it, Hosmer, get it!

Tony Campana – 1-for-1 with 2 steals.  He stole 2nd base so fast that he actually overran it, ran all the way around the globe, causing time to rewind, and allowing him to steal 2nd again.

Jason Motte – 2/3 IP, 2 ER and the blown save.  What a follower!  Ooh, all the cool closers are blowing games so he figured he would too.

Bill Hall – Signing a deal with the Orioles to replace Josh Bell on the Triple-A roster.  Bell to Hall?  This is a big score for the equipment manager.

I watched Mat Latos yesterday.   Now I want an eye transplant with someone that watched Jamie Moyer pitch (not when he was first called up because that eye transplant would have cataracts).  I wish I could pinpoint what the problem is with Latos, besides looking terrible.  He was hitting 95 MPH on the maybe-a-tad-Reds-friendly radar gun for three straight pitches to Beltran.  Unfortunately, he threw all three friggin’ pitches in the exact same spot, so, of course, Beltran turned on one.  Then he made the next hitter, Holliday, look terrible with offspeed stuff.  Like a bachelorette order form, is there somewhere I can check for him to mix in the junk?  Does Mesoraco only have one finger on his pitch-calling hand?  Is Latos giving up early runs so Dusty can’t throw him into the 11th inning?  How do you even give up 5 earned runs in the first two innings on only 6 baserunners?  Is that even mathematically possible with only one two-run homer?  Why are you making me wrack my brain?  And why are you giving up a two out triples to the opposing pitcher?!  Latos gets the Giants next.  If he can’t make them look like a team that has only three hitters, and one of which they bench, then Latos is going to my bench for the foreseeable future.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Krispie Young – The MRI revealed a ligament tear and who wins this year’s Biggest Loser.  Damn you, MRI, and your spoilers!  Krispie’s headed to the 15-day DL and the Diamondbacks say he should be fine after a couple of weeks of rest.  With a ligament tear in his shoulder?  Sounds like they have a ligament tear in their silver lining.  This sounds like something that won’t only sideline Krispie for longer than 15 days but also leave him at less than 100% for the rest of the season until an offseason of rest.  It’s pretty terrible news.  Rico Suave should see the majority of the time in the outfield while Krispie gets himself right.  Parra’s pretty yawnstipating from a fantasy perspective for mixed leagues.  In NL-Only leagues, he should get you some counting stats.   (Wanna hear something that says so much?  I added yawnstipating to my computer dictionary.  It’s right there in my virtual dictionary next to dork.)

Justin Upton – Where is thumbkin?  Back from the MRI to say Upton needs a few days of rest with a bone bruise on his thumb.  He did get into yesterday’s game as a pinch runner.  Would be just wonderful if he had to slide head first.  Hope Kirk Gibson didn’t slo-mo arm pump that in-game move.

A.J. Pollock – 0-for-3 with a caught stealing.  How many players does it take to fill-in Krispie’s roster spot?  One Pollock.  He has good speed (36 SBs last year in the minors), but it’s not clear how much he’ll actually play.  Might just be a bat for a few days until Justin’s thumb stops being Upton no good.

Brett Gardner – To the DL with a strained elbow.  Huh?  What’s he running on his hands like Encino Man?  You don’t need an elbow to bunt and run.  Put your elbow in a sling and call it macaroni!  This kills my RCL team (well, Krispie’s loss kinda hurt that too), but how is there only one DL spot in the RCLs?  What were we thinking?  Guys (and 4 girls), talk some sense into me Charlotte sometimes, would cha please?

Hiroki Kuroda – 4 1/3 IP, 6 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Starts like these in The House They Built Across The Street From The House Ruth Built is the reason why I told people to not draft him.

Lance Berkman – Puma reaggravated his calf injury and might hit the DL.  Coincidentally, my Cougar’s out for a day or two with shingles.

Carlos Beltran – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam & legs.  That’s 5 homers and 3 steals.  Maybe he’s this year’s old player who comes out of nowhere and has a renaissance year.  How do we not have a term for this in the glossary?  Please suggest in the comments.  Thank you.

Brad Lidge – Davey Johnson revealed that Lidge suffers from vertigo.  Still waiting for Davey to choose a closer, or more accurately, to explain The Trouble With Henry.

Ivan Rodriguez – Announced his retirement.  Let’s remember the days when his nickname Pudge wasn’t ironic due to the banning of illegal substances that caused him to lose all muscle mass.  Pour some andro out for him.

Cliff Lee – 10 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks.  I feel like a ten inning game is more rare than a no hitter. (I probably could find out if that was true at the ol’ Google.)  Through 10 innings, he threw 102 pitches and 81 of those were strikes.  Let’s just say, The Adverb was more than suffixient.

Bartolo Colon – 8 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Lincecum who?

Matt Cain – 9 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Bartolo Colon who?

Brian Wilson – Undergoing Tommy John surgery today.  They’re still evaluating whether they hairnet his beard or if they have to shave it.  If they shave it, the surgery is due to end on Sunday and the homeless family of Lilliputians will need to be relocated.

Brandon Morrow – 6 IP, 6 ER, 11 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Walks really got him in this game…and the hits…and the runs…and the lack of Ks.

Mark Buehrle – 8 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Of course he pitched a gem.  Why wouldn’t he?!  Why would I want this kind of start from Latos?!  I must be crazy!  Yeah, still a little annoyed at Latos.  And another thing, if Latos didn’t seem so detestable of a personality, I might be able to let it go!

Joel Hanrahan – Tweaked his Hanrahammy.  Should be good to go by the weekend.  In his place…

Juan Cruz – Guess who has more saves than Jordan Walden and Heath Bell combined?  I grabbed Cruz in one league, then dropped him when I had to fill in for Gardner.  Cruz may not see another save all year.  If you’re very desperate, then specloselate.  (On a related note, I thought of what we can call a top closer’s set-up man, a side salad.)

Grady Sizemore – Cleared for baseball activities.  He’ll probably pull his groin scratching himself.  I’m only half-punning.

Juan Francisco – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer in as many games.  The Braves are committed to Glass Chipper like Aguilera should be committed for eliminating Jesse Campbell, but Francisco’s a good name to watch in deep leagues in case he can get more playing time.

Jair Jurrjens – 4 IP, 4 ER.  Can the editor who recut Star Wars take Jar-Jar out of the Braves rotation too?

Dan Uggla – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs with his first homer.  Still wanna sell him for Skip Schumaker and a bag of Fritos?

Luke Scott – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 3rd homer.  Member I said last week to pick him up?  Yeah, nothing’s changed yet.

Matt Joyce – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 1 RBI and his 2nd game in a row with a homer.  If he’s gonna hit, it will be in the first half.  It’s Joyce to wit.

Justin Morneau – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs with his 3rd and 4th homers.  Only cussword his fantasy owners are hearing this year is refocused.

Matt Capps – 1 IP, 1 ER and the save.  Could he save a game without giving up a run?  Just a question.

Kevin Youkilis – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs with his first homer.  Youuuuuuuk, speaking through his agent, said, “Tell Valentine there’s his motivation.  And Sugarhill Gang invented the rap.  So there!”

Lucas Harrell – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Anyone with a rotation spot, you own in NL- or AL-Only leagues, so I grabbed Harrell in an NL-Only league.  Never looked at his stats.  Just grabbed him.  Then he pitched well yesterday for the second time in three starts and I was like, “Hey, this guy’s awesome!  I wanna see his minor league stats.”  So I Googled his name to see his minor league stats, and Googled asked me, “Are you sure you want to see his minor league stats?”  Yes, Google!  Give ‘em to me!  “Oh.”  That was my reaction after seeing his stats.  Um, yeah, I wouldn’t touch him in mixed leagues.

Aramis Ramirez – 2-for-4 with his first homer.  He’s alive!  I think.

Omar Infante – Out until Friday with a groin strain.  It happened when he was running away from Hanley carrying a bottle of hair dye.

Pedro Alvarez – 1-for-3 with his 2nd homer.  He’s batting .074 on the year.  To get results from Alvarez, the Pirates threatened him with a demotion to Triple-A or worse a trade to the Orioles.

Jake Peavy – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Yes, you should own him.  No, I’m not joking.

A.J. Pierzynski – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer.  When I say hot, you say schmotato.

Doug Fister – Felt renewed discomfort in his abdomen.  For Fister owners, that’s a punch to the gut.

Prince Fielder – 2-f0r-4, 2 RBIs and a steal as Major League Baseball tried to increase offense by moving 2nd base five feet from 1st.

Chase Headley – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and TWO HOMERS?  He had two homers the entire 1st half last year, and two homers the entire 2nd half for four (stutterer!) total.

Michael Cuddyer – Homered then left Wednesday’s game with a bruised toe.  If Cuddyer needs to miss time, guess who gets some time?  No, not Eric Young Jr.  Tyler Colvin.  Could be some pop there.  Keep your eyes peeled in deep leagues.

Juan Nicasio – 6 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Eh, I’ve seen better starts.  Buehrle, for instance, that was better, but I’d continue to roll with Nicasio in most leagues.

Derek Holland – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Kinda wish I had Holland instead of Latos right now.  Okay, I’ll let it go.

Kirk Nieuwenhuis – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 1 RBI and a steal.  I’ve seen some people in the comments ask if they should pick up Kirk.  Don’t cheat, Razzballers.  Ask if you should pick up Nieuwenhuis.  If I gotta spell that shizz, so do you.  And, yeah, you should pick him up.  Kinda like how I’ve been saying that in the last two weeks of Buys.  Yesterday, he hit leadoff.  That probably won’t hold, but Bay’s name is short for Sickbay, as in he hasn’t been good in years, and Duda hasn’t had much zippity, doo or dah recently.

R.A. Dickey – 4 1/3 IP, 8 ER.  More like U.R.A. Dickey.