The Yankees are the movie Family Plot with hot, upcoming stars Bruce Dern, William Devane, and Karen Black. Alfred Hitchcock is the master suspense and this is his greatest movie about a man obsessed with a blonde since ever! The Yankees are Tupac’s last posthumously released album featuring Papoose, Lil’ Scrappy and Big Syke. Hear what Tupac never wanted you to hear in a way he never meant for you to hear it ever! The Yankees are the leftover stuffing from your 2010 Thanksgiving that you ate then pooped into a Tupperware container and decided to see what it would be like in two years in your freezer. They are so done that done called and said, “Nuh-uh, don’t be comparing me to them or we’re done.” Add Derek Jeter to the list of the Yankees MASH unit that are wearing fatigues. It’s now being reported Jeter could miss a big part of April. He won’t appear in a minor league game until next week and Cashman said Jeter needs to play in back-to-back games for nine innings before being activated. Jeter can’t even play in a few innings per week, let alone back-to-back nine-inning games. I think the next guy to come down with an ailment is Cashman, as he tries to move to another team that is on the precipice of greatness. “Arte, I like what you did with Trout, Pujols and Hamilton, have you thought about spending $350 million on Miggy?” Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in spring training for fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
As I was sipping from my high-priced stemware that also happens to feature Star Wars characters, I got to thinking about how lucky I was to grab Eric Hosmer in one league. I patted myself on the back and took a dive onto my water bed. As the posturepedic waves crashed over me, I slept. A few hours later, I woke in a panic. Water was dripping from my forehead. Was there a leak in my bed? No. I was sweating, worried I fell for the hype machine like when I bought 10 Gregg Jefferies rookie cards for the incredibly low price of $9. (On a baseball card side note, I was one of those schmohawks thinking baseball cards are only going to appreciate in value. They are going to be so rare! Ooh, a Mark McGwire 1987 card! Better hold on to that one! Wally Joyner has some pop! Stock up! Randy Velarde is the next Bucky Dent! Put that one in a sleeve! Now you can buy 200 cards for a nickel. Alas…) Is Hosmer going to be great with a side order of splendiferous? Probably, friend, assuming splendiferous is a word. But he’s a rookie. A 2007 Ryan Braun rookie season is crazy rare. Most rookie seasons are pretty just a’ight. Some solid streaks, some funky streaks where it looks like they’re playing in a burlap sack. In ESPN, Hosmer went from 1% to over 90% owned in a week. Since 40% of ESPN leagues are filled with abandoned owners, that tells me 130% of fantasy baseballers (<–my mom’s term) are excited about Hosmer. That’s your chance to sell high, you savvy fantasy owner you. Obviously, in keepers, you hold tight. Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Justin Turner – I’d have no interest in him if he didn’t have 2nd base eligibility. How’s that for a hard sell? Or is it a hard Buy? Or maybe it’s a soft Buy…
Elliot Johnson – He sounds like a Vice President candidate from the early 1900s. Elliot Johnson is a firm believer in woman suffrage. Hopefully Nucky backs him. It feels like the middle of the Rays infield is a black hole for upside. Hey, is that Reid Brignac floating past the Russian space station? Way to reach your potential! Johnson has decent speed (~25 speed potential over a full season) and some light power.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Vicente Padilla went to the DL with a forearm strain. Maybe it’s was straining to be a fivearm. Oofa! Who am I, Buddy Hackett? Actually, I am. No, I kid. Or do I?! No, I do, he’s dead. Unless I’m writing this post from beyond the grave! Boo! Know what I like most about Matt Guerrier? He’s not Padilla. How’s dem apples? Sour! Then we have Kenley Jansen– “Buh-buh-but, Grey! Who do we own from the Dodgers bullpen? I can’t own everyone. By the way, nice mustache. Primo!” For immediate closer action, I’d own Guerrier, Jansen, Alyssa Milano, in that order. Unless your league counts blown saves, then reverse the order. But — and unless you’re an alien, there’s always a but — I think Jansen ends the season with more saves than Guerrier. The only problem is I think he gets weaned into the job and may not be getting saves regularly at first. Frankly, it’s a committee and too many chefs make too many hors d’oeuvres and not enough entrees, or whatever that cliche is. Oh, and because any great closerousel shituation should keep fantasy owners on their toes, Guerrier pitched the 8th inning in a losing game last night. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Joe Blanton – Yesterday, he was scratched. No word if he’s still itchy.Please, blog, may I have some more?
David Wright has a stress fracture in his lower back. It’s the new Mets, same as the old Mess! I find it hard to believe this is still The Curse of the Shirtless Bernazard, but who else is evil eyeing them? George Foster? (BTW, If George Foster ever evil eyed you for longer than 5 seconds, you’d turn to stone. Fact!) The Mets are downplaying Wright’s injury, but what else is new with the Mets? Let’s look at their truthiness in some recent reports: In 2009, “Reyes will be out for a few days.” In reality, he’s only fully recovered two years later. In 2009, “Beltran will be out for three to five days.” In reality, he missed two seasons. “K-Rod and his stepfather, an up and coming videographer, were remaking the “Beat It” video.” In reality, K-Rod blew Kabuki white powder into his stepfather’s face and hit him over the head with a metal chair. So the Mets are saying Wright might miss only a week and a half to two weeks. Um, okay. Even if he returns quickly, a stress fracture in his lower back isn’t going to hurt his power? Yeah, that’s rhetorical. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Jose Reyes – 2-for-5, 2 steals. Now has 16 steals on the year. How do you motivate overpaid athletes? With the allure of being vastly overpaid.Please, blog, may I have some more?
A whale of a prospect plus a bad oblique leads to a a closed Beachy. Enter Julio Teheran. Well, reenter Julio Teheran. Teheranasaurus Rex! First, let’s see what Stephen said about him, “Easily the best story of the 2010 minor league year. Teheran throws a 92 to 96 MPH fastball, an above-average changeup, and a more consistent breaking pitch. Teheran is considered a top 5 pitching prospect in the minors, if not top three. Finally, I hope Grey gets his mustache caught in the gears of a car.” Hmm… Maybe I should’ve read what he wrote before quoting him. Anyhoo! Don’t judge Teheran on his messy first start in the bigs. He should be grabbed in most competitive leagues. Should have a 7+ K/9 and a high 3 ERA with a chance for a lot more. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Chris Carpenter – 6 1/3 IP, 7 ER, 11 baserunners, 5 Ks as he was handily beat by Wood (6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks). In honor of the Carpenter/Wood matchup, everyone in attendance received a bill for $5000 for a picket fence that wasn’t completed correctly.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Ryan Franklin was replaced yesterday, but it came so begrudgingly, La Russa wouldn’t even announce who would replace him. GM Mozeliak held a knife to a squirrel’s neck to try and get La Russa to tell us who would be the closer and still nothing. “There’s only two things in this world I hold dear — my Mom and my word and I’m mum on both.” That was what I imagine La Russa said. Mitchell Boggs, CPA seems most likely to see the first chances. Behind him, Motte, then MLB’s poet laureate, Miguel Batista. Keep in mind, Franklin isn’t out of the picture completely either. La Russa is way too loyal to his guys. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Skip Schumaker – Headed to the DL with a hyperextended elbow. Somewhere, Shawn Michaels’ elbow says, “Pfft.”
Ian Stewart – Sent to Triple-A. Pretty sad move for me to hear. Mini-Mini Donkey was a one-time favorite. I was thinking how this is one of those moves that if you don’t play fantasy, you’re probably like whatevs. Deep thoughts with Grey Albright, I suppose.Please, blog, may I have some more?