Fantasy Baseball Advice

Hey, I can bench Eric Hosmer!  That was the first thing I thought when I picked up Matt Adams.   First stop for Hosmer is my bench, next stop waivers.  Yesterday, our prospect writer Scott said this about Adams, “Despite the impressive audition (in Spring Training), St. Louis sent him to Triple-A Memphis where he’s hit .338/.373/.597 with 9 HR through his first 150 plate appearances… With an advanced approach, solid on base skills, and plus power, Adams has a chance to do damage in the bigs right away.  He’s worth an add in most formats.  There’s really not much else to say, except Grey is handsome.”  I obviously wouldn’t have copied and pasted all of that if I didn’t agree.  In a 12 team mixed league, I found room for him (then again my offense could use anything at this point — I have Brian Dozier!) by losing Anthony Rizzo.  I do think Rizzo will be up soon and is worth owning, but I could only speculate on one “young 1st baseman that will fix my other young 1st baseman problem (Hosmer!).”  With Berkman possibly out a while (as of this writing, his timetable wasn’t clear, but it didn’t look good and he was talking of retirement), Adams just needs to hit to get everyday playing time (please, deity of my choice, let him hit).  At first, I could see him platooning a bit with Carpenter so don’t overreact on who you drop when you pick up Adams, but if you’re hurting at 1st base, get smart and don Adams.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Aroldis Chapman – Hey, he’s now the closer!  Mazel tov!  I remember when he was just a new Cuban raftee and, now, he’s a man.  A real fine chap, man.  He has yet to allow an earned run in 22 1/3 innings to go with 39 Ks.  Man, that is beautiful.  Shoot, I have to change my shorts.  And…I’m back!  You miss me?

Ryan Ludwick – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs with his 4th homer.  Just when it looked like Heisey finally bought himself a longer leash, Ludwick comes along to confuse Dusty.  (Yes, they both played yesterday, but that was only because there was a DH.)

Paul Konerko – After taking one off his face on Friday, the White Sox said they should be able to punim back in on Tuesday.

Jake Peavy – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks.  No kidding, who would you prefer:  Peavy or Lincecum?  Is it close?

Gordon Beckham – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer in the last three games.  If it’s not the Rip Van Winkle of sleepers.  If you’re desperate for infield help, I could see grabbing him for your middle infidel spot.

Adam Dunn – 1-for-4 with his 14th homer.  Like one of those weekly Bieber’s been trampled by 1400 screaming Asian girls rumors, the reports of Dunn’s death were also premature.  Rob Thomas would say he’s come un-Dunn.  Fantasy Baseball Blurb Police, “Bieber and Rob Thomas in the same blurb?  C’mon, man, don’t make me ticket you.”

Ike Davis – Terry Collins (who?) said that Davis could be headed to the minors.  All kidding aside, have the Mets doctors checked him again for Valley Fever?  Actually, has anyone but the Mets doctors checked him for Valley Fever?

Kevin Youkilis – Phillies and Indians are “monitoring” Youuuuuuuk.  I found this funny for some reason.  Next time I’m caught sitting outside an ex-girlfriend’s house, I’m going to say I was just “monitoring” her.  Wouldn’t surprise me to see Youuuuuuk moved.  Red Sox don’t want to send Middlebrooks down and Youuuuuuk’s so welcome in the Red Sox clubhouse that Bobby Valentine commissioned Billy Ocean to remix his own song to, “Get Outta My Team, Get Into My Veggie Wrap With Swiss Chard.”

Josh Beckett – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks vs. Cliff Lee, who went 7 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks, as the two last place teams battled.  The Comatose Red Sox and Phillies fans, that conked out the day before the season started, blink their eyes open, “Don’t you mean first place?”

Jarrod Saltalamacchia – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer in as many games, and 7th on the season.  Why do I wish he had 1st base eligibility and I drafted him instead of Hosmer?

Mike Aviles – 2-for-5 with his third homer in as many games.  Thomas Peefuttle who?!  Actually, that’s a made-up name, but Aviles has been good even if you compare him to someone who’s real.

Jonathan Lucroy – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 7 RBIs and 2 homers.  Actually, I wouldn’t mind dropping my whole RCL offense and having only catchers.

Corey Hart – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs with his 9th homer as the Brewers exploded for 16 runs.  Elias Sports Bureau said Corey Hart was rated by People Magazine as The Ugliest Man Alive.  Actually, Elias didn’t say that, but here’s something that was overheard at the Stamford compound of Elias Sports Bureau.  “In Accounting, Jeff and Dave have casually joked about switching wives twenty-seven times in the last two weeks for a new office record.  Also, Jeff recorded it a record 17 times to be used for blackmail purposes later.”

Colby Lewis – 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks vs. the Astros.  In related news, American League pitchers are fully supportive of the Astros’ 2013 league switch.

Vance Worley – Has a bone chip in his elbow.  He says he’s going to “man up” and pitch through the pain.  Who’s he Bruce Willis cutting a bullet out of his arm and bandaging it up with a shirt he rips with his teeth?  Ridiculous to think Worley’s going to be anywhere near as effective and not just end up back on the DL.

Anthony Rizzo – That billboard counting down is not how many hours until the America’s Got Talent premiere, that’s until The Scer arrives.  The Cubs confirmed yesterday what I was saying on Friday.  Rizzo’s arrival, or arrizzal, is imminent.

Max Scherzer – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 15 Ks. There’s the eggs Woody Allen was talking about that we need.  Hopefully, if you dealt with the bad half of the schizo-Scherzer, you also got this good half.

Rod Barajas – B*****s ain’t shizz usually, but, for those in deep leagues, B*****s has 2 homers in his last three games.

Greg Dobbs – 3-for-4, and .154 over the last week, but whatever.  I just want to rant about how stupid it is that Ozzie is splitting up Hanley and Stanton with Dobbs.  I get the whole righty/lefty thing, but is that really going to change how opposing managers think when they see Greg Dobbs?  It’s not like they’re saying to themselves, “I’d go to my righty here but Dobbs, who’s hitting .253 against righties over the last three years, will kill me.”  Move Giancarlo into the cleanup spot, I need RBIs!

Josh Johnson – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks.  After the game, his porn star brother, Gosh Johnson sprayed the team with what everyone is hoping was champagne.

Emilio Bonifacio – Ended up on the 15-day DL with a sprained thumb.  When asked how it was feeling, Bonifacio stayed true to his name and tried to put on a good face.

Derek Lowe – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks to lower his ERA to 2.15.  He said he’d have an ERA under 2 if it wasn’t for Indians fans.

Mike Trout – 3-for-4, now batting .355.  At Sunday brunch, he had a mimosa, grapefruit wedges and a slam & two legs.  Trout homered and stole a base off Bass, something the media is calling “Fish on Fish” crime.

Vernon Wells – Headed to the DL with a thumb injury.  He’ll have some free time now to reply to all his fan mail that is meant for the actor from Weird Science, Vernon Wells.

Alexi Amarista – 1-for-6, with a steal.  He was the piece the Padres got from the Angels for Frieri.  Here’s what Bud Black said Scioscia told him, “The first thing (Scioscia) said was this guy can play six positions, he can feel comfortable with them anywhere, he swings the bat and he has some speed, so that versatility plays much better in the National League.”  Right, nothing at all like Maicer Izturis.  With the Padres now having (n)O-Dog, Amarista has been playing 2nd base.  In the minors, he hit for a decent average with speed.  In the majors, I could see him having a .270 average with 25 steals.  Definitely NL-Only grab.  I’d hold for now in most mixed leagues.

Justin Smoak – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer.  I told you last week to grab him for his road trip and now he heads back to Safeco, so where there’s Smoak, there’s other options off the waiver wire.

Mike Carp – Has homers in back-to-back games.  Carpe Carp!

Wei-Yin Chen – 4 1/3 IP, 6 ER as he was pitchslapped by Strasburg.  I’ve seen Tony Pena pitch better than Chen.  And Tony was pitching in a Home Run Derby.

Danny Espinosa – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs with his 4th homer.  Going on about ten days of hot schmotatoness.

Jesus Flores – 1-for-4 with his 1st homer.  If you lost Wilson Ramos, Flores could basically do the same thing.  And that’s a promise or my name isn’t Grey “El Toro” Albright.

Stephen Strasburg – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, but left the start with bicep tightness.  He said he should be fine for his next start.  He’s going to apply some Hot Stuff and then not touch his groin for the next five days.

Mark Ellis – Will be out for at least 6 weeks as the doctor performed an emergency procedure on him to relieve pressure in his leg.  The Dodgers will turn to Justin “The Inspector” Sellers and Elian “I Wouldn’t Mind Checking Out Miami Again” Herrera.  Elian and Sellers aren’t much to look at outside of deep NL-Only leagues, especially if they’re sharing time.  Since Ellis will be out, the Dodgers may now ask Flavor Flav to no longer stand above Dee Gordon’s head with his giant ticking clock.

Jeff Francoeur – 4-for-4, but I’m giving two of them to the now batting in the seven hole, Hosmer.

Wade Miley – 7 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks.  I see you moving your cursor towards picking up Miley.  Stop and back away from your computer.  Go splash some coffee on your face.  You’re sleepwalking.

Brandon McCarthy – Went to the DL, but the A’s found no damage to his scapula.  Sounds like there should be a chicken in there, i.e., Chicken Scapula.  BTW, when you’re in a fancy restaurant and the waiter rolls up the cart carrying your entrees, make sure you say, “They weren’t joking when they said it was all a la carte.”  It’ll make you look classy.

When Heath Bell looked like garbage on Sunday, Frank Francisco returned serve with three of his own runs.  It was like watching a tennis match between Jon Lovitz and that guy from Felicity.  Rather than getting the hook by his manager, Frank-Frank was ejected for arguing balls and strikes.  The ump should’ve told him, “With your stuff, I wouldn’t have the balls to throw strikes either.”  Jon Rauch is next in line here, but, before the ink can dry on his neck, he could lose the job too.  Though, I would grab him, in the non-sexual way.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Ike Davis – Sat out yesterday with flu-like symptoms.  Like.  Oh.  My.  Gahd.  I hopes it’s not Valley Fever.

Heath Bell – Ozzie Guillen has come to the conclusion that Edward Mujica and Steve Cishek are simply just as awful at closing games as Bell has been, so they might as well go with the guy with the bad contract.  So, once again, Bell is officially unofficially your Marlins closer and, as previously mentioned, he gave up two runs on Sunday.  I’d continue to hold Cishek and Mujica.  Bell needs to either go to the Disgraceful List or do some mop-up duty.  Despite the closer craziness, the past week the Marlins have got it done, winning 10 of their last 12 games.  A rational person might say to me, “The Marlins have played the Giants, Padres and Astros as of late, don’t get too excited.”  I am an irrational person, so it must be their new uniforms!

Giancarlo Stanton – 3-for-5 with a grand slam.  Is it just me or are you waiting for him to announce his name is actually Giancarlos Tanton?

Joey Votto – 4-for-5, 4 runs, 6 RBIs and 3 homers.  Votto bing, Votto boom.

Brian Fuentes – Was named the new A’s closer.  I literally wrote everything else in this post then came back to this to make sure he was still the closer.  If I wake up at 3 AM tonight and stumble back to my office, he may no longer be the closer.  He’s on a short leash with a cone and muzzle.  If he gets too far off the leash, he doesn’t give his owners rabies, he gives them ERAbies.

Brandon McCarthy – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 10 Ks.  Look at him K’ing people with reckless a-Brandon.  McCarthy feels like one of those guys that you can get for cheap in a trade, but could be way more valuable.  He’s literally in every fifth comment as a guy people want to drop, and I use the word ‘literally’ metaphorically.

Jarrod Parker – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners (4 BBs), 5 Ks.  I doubt anyone’s actually buying (as in trading for), but you should be careful with Parker.  He’s due for some Liquid Paper getting dropped on his stats.

Bud Norris – Got the win on Friday with 6.0 IP, 1 ER and 8Ks.  Old James MacDonald pitched 8 innings and also struck out 8 in a pitchers’ duel.  And a Bud at McDonald’s is a combo meal in The Bootheel of Missouri.

Bryce Harper – On Friday, he threw his bat at the wall in frustration and needed 10 stitches as it bounced back and hit him in the head.  ESPN is auctioning off the bat with the proceeds going to TD (Teenaged Dipshits).

Wilson Ramos – Torn ACL and out for the year.  On the positive side, he’s now way too gimpy for kidnappers to lug around.

Danny Espinosa – Got a couple of hits on Sunday, homered Friday and Saturday while adding in two steals.  If it’s not obvious and you need me to spell it out, he’s H-O-T.

Henry Rodriguez – 2/3 IP, 4 ER with a massive blown save on Sunday.  I shut the game off before the Votto grand slam, knowing it was coming.  Then after it happened, I refreshed the box score a few times hoping it would change.  It’s a soul-crushing defeat when you know it’s gonna happen, then don’t believe it when it does.  Must’ve been what it felt like when Dewey tried to move his stuff into the White House with only a copy of the Dewey Defeats Truman newspaper.

Brian Dozier - 2-for-5 with his first homer.  I wouldn’t expect much here; he’s pretty yawnstipating.  It’s no coincidence that his last name is French for sleep (not true).

Scott Diamond – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Now has back-to-back 7 inning scoreless starts.  In AL-Only leagues, he could provide some value if he can continue his low walk-rate and so-so K-rate.  But in AL-Only leagues, Bruce Chen is valuable, so take that with a grain of salt, which is a crystal as is a diamond.  How’s that for circular reasoning?

Andy Pettitte – 6 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 2 Ks vs. the M’s.  Against a major league offense, that’s 5 IP, 5 ER.  That’s not exactly a comeback on par with Lance Armstrong returning less nutso.

Carlos Ruiz – 6th HR on Friday.  Ruiz is batting .330 and leads the Phillies offense along with Juan Pierre.  Or JuanCarlos if Stanton’s renaming them.

Jimmy Rollins – 1-for-4 with his 1st homer.  Only one more to catch Chone Figgins!

Jesus Montero -  Hit a home run on Friday against his old team as he punishes New York for trading him to the Mariners.  You could taste the bad blood.  Mmm… Iron.

Justin Smoak – Hit a homer yesterday and is 6 for his last 12 as he got to hit away from Safeco.  Gets Fenway and Coors this week and could be a short term play.  Seriously, no kindling with Smoak.

Addison Reed – Robin Ventura is planning on splitting his save chances between Thornton, Reed and Santiago.  I think it’s appropriate to call Ventura by his cartoon onomatopoeia name:  VenturARGH.  And, because Reed seemed like the guy to own, he gave up 6 earned runs in a third of an inning yesterday.  To give up 6 earned in a third of an inning is, like a bowling alley that doesn’t cater to dwarfs will tell ya, no small feat.   At this rate, I don’t think I’d pick up any White Sox relievers in any shallow mixed league.  I need this ulcer?  No, no I don’t.  If you really need the saves, I’d grab Santiago, Reed or Thornton, in that order.

Chris Sale – 5 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks.  When you go for a ‘precautionary’ MRI (something I get all the time!), and you’re moved around to help ‘save’ your elbow, then throw a pretty mediocre start, I think something is wrong and you’d be wise to sell him quickly.  But I’m not a doctor, though I did fall asleep while watching a Scrubs rerun last night.

Carlos Beltran – 4-for-5 with 2 home runs and 4 RBIs on Friday and hit his 13th homer on Sunday.  He’s doing his best Albert Pujols impression, the pre-Angels Pujols.  Yes, it took Pujols to go to the Angels to become mortal.  The irony!

Allen Craig – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer on Sunday, after homering on Friday.  Bad enough that he double-dipped on first names when there’s people without one — R. Kelly, “Tell me about it!”  But now there’s people out there who can’t buy a homer in their leagues (me!) and this guy now has 5.

Rafael Furcal – 3-for-3 with his 7th steal, while batting .383 on the year.  Still think he’s more of an Early Bird Special than a Zombino.  You get two Facebook Likes if you understood that.

Lance Lynn – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks.  If you’ve owned him all year, you know this is less spectacular than he’s been.  Or spectaculess, if you like portmanteaus.

Josh Hamilton – Homerton was 3-for-4 with two more home runs on Friday to bring his total to 17.  The first player since Albert Pujols (who?) in 2006 to hit that many home runs in only 33 games.  Then he hit his 18th homer on Saturday.  18 homers?  I have 31 homers in one of my NL-Only leagues.

Mike Trout – Got his first slam & legs on Friday.  In related rookie news, ESPN ran a feature on Bryce Harper’s TD telethon.

C.J. Wilson -  Got roughed up in his Texas homecoming by Hamilton and the boys 1/3 IP, 3 H, 4 ER.  Then Matthew Modine started screaming “You wanna have another go at it” and Wilson agreed.  So, on Saturday, he went 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Then on Sunday, he rested.  Geez, with the God complex.

Mark Reynolds – Lands on the DL after throwing batting practice on Friday.  He said, “I got carried away with what I was trying to do.  It just looks so easy to strike me out.”

Xavier Avery – O’s called up their outfield prospect and played him in left field yesterday as he went 0-for-4.  Now for the Mystique behind X-Man.  He has some speed (and very light power), and will struggle to hit for much of an average in the majors.  In AL-Only leagues, he’s SAGNOF.

Jake Arrieta – 3 2/3 IP, 7 ER vs. the Rays.  He’s been absolutely clobbered in his last two starts.  I’d definitely look elsewhere, since I’m not a huge fan of O’s starters to begin with.  My O’s starter face is a straight line for my lips and a slow blink of the eyes.  It looks like ‘meh.’

Nick Johnson – Homered in back-to-back games that he started (Friday and Sunday).  He was in good spirits after the game, smiling in the locker room.

Danny Duffy – Left yesterday’s game with what is being described as “medial left elbow tightness.”  Sounds like medial up a different starter.

Alcides Escobar – 3-for-3, 2 runs and 1 RBI.  He’s been on and off my teams so many times the elastic is completely shot.

Jeff Francoeur – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs with his first Frenchy fly of the season, or Freedom Fly if you’re still harboring shizz.

Desmond Jennings – Has now missed six games with a sore knee.  Instead of day-to-day, they could’ve told us day-to-week.  Might’ve been helpful.

Ben Zobrist – Slam and legs with a side of mash (3 hits!) and Elliot Johnson also slammed, legged and mashed.  Johnson is 7 for his last 13 with two steals and a homer.  Could be a nice pickup if you’re struggling at MI.  BTW, if someone asks you if you’re struggling at MI, your answer is IM.

Carlos Marmol – Since the start this year, he looked like Apollo vs. Ivan Drago in the exhibition match.  Finally, the Cubs threw in the towel with Marmol’s head landing on top of it and on the Disgraceful List.

Bryan LaHair – Since Friday’s Sell, he’s 1-for-14 with 6 Ks.  Cust kayin’.

Jeff Samardzija – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks.  The best thing I can say about Samardetc. is I wish I owned him on all my teams.

Rickie Weeks – His wrist showed no breaks and his bat showed no hits.

Kevin Youkilis – Cleared to swing a bat.  Sounds like positive news for a guy at Hedonism after a cliff diving accident.

Will Middlebrooks – 2-for-3, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer.  If Youk pushes Middlebrooks to Triple-A, there’s gonna be a letter written to Jimmy Breslin from a Son of Sam Horn.

Matt Kemp – Left yesterday’s game aggravating his tight hamstring.  Said he’s going for an MRI, but will only miss a game.  Um, well, guess we can hope.  How do we get this hammy cured?  Because those are delicious.

Juan Rivera – Could miss two months with a ruptured hamstring tendon.  Dude, c’mon, the day of rupture isn’t until December 21st.

Yoenis Cespedes homered in yesterday’s second day of kinda real baseball played about six hours before I wake up.  I wonder where Cespedes is being drafted now.  When Rudy and I took our giant beach balls to early March drafts and took Cespedes in a bunch of drafts, he was going cheap.  I wonder if now all those other ‘perts are suddenly stepping up because others are excited about him.  I wonder if everyone else is a Monday morning quarterback with their advice.  I wonder if Yoenis will hit 30 mistake pitch homers.  I wonder if he’ll make adjustments and hit for a decent average too.  I wonder how this would sound read by Morgan Freeman.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in spring training (and real baseball) for 2012 fantasy baseball:

Bartolo Colon – 8 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks. I still wouldn’t go near him with a three foot churro. (Only partly because waving a three foot churro near Bartolo would be similar to going to a grizzly bear observatory wearing nothing, but bikini briefs made of Marshmallow Fluff. Talk about a Fluffernutter — oofa!)

Mike Carp – Mike Sashimi ended up on the DL after one game playing in Japan.  He should’ve never said, “Come on, pal!  Fugu me!”

Jason Vargas – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks.  I think Vargas is gonna have one of those seasons where you think because he’s the Mariners’ number two that he’s gonna take a number two on your stats, but he won’t.  For now, I’ll call him a Marginer with future appeal.

Jesus Montero – 1-for-3 as he started his 2nd straight game at DH.  Uh-oh.  I was hoping to see Montero start at least one of these games at catcher, but now it’s looking like he may only start when Olivo rests, which would mean once or twice a week behind the plate for Montero and mid-May for catcher eligibility.

Dustin Ackley – 0-for-4, knocking his season pace down to 81/81, but will probably come closer to 8/8, which looks like what Dorothy Hamill would put after her signature.

Justin Smoak – 1-for-4 with a homer.  Is there anything more satisfying than a home run for a guy you pick for two games before the season (actually) starts?  It was almost as satisfying to drop him right after.  It was like a one night stand where everyone has the same expectations.  (I promise you when there’s a full slate of games I won’t talk this much about the A’s and M’s.)

Jonathan Broxton – Royals are leaning towards Broxton for the closer role.  Perhaps a see-saw isn’t the fairest way to determine who should get saves.  Broxton is such a wild card at this point that you have to hold onto Holland in most leagues until he shows some level of dominance/health.

Carl Crawford – Looking at returning at the end of April.  With a wrist injury, I’d choose to March.  Valentine said he’ll only need 50 ABs in rehab, I said, “No, no, no.”

Bobby Abreu – The Los Angeles Suburb of Los Angeles Angels almost got rid of the Abreu-tross from around their DH neck last night.  He came inches from being an Indian, but now the chances of it happening have reduced to 50%.  If it happens, it’s better for both clubs.  I’m just not sure how much better it will be for Kendrys’s playing time.  Abreu wasn’t stealing much time from him anyway.  Stealing time from Kendrys is the fact that he missed 273 games in the last two years because he celebrates like a buffoon.  Angels have already said Kendrys will sit vs. lefties because of health.  Not because of the sourpuss with the big contract that they can’t get rid of.  Yeah, I used the word sourpuss.  Now get off my lawn!

Freddy Sanchez – Expected to start the year on the DL.  Welcome to the club, we expected that in October of 2010.  That’s like predicting a fart two years from now will smell.

Jeff Samardzija – Won a spot in the Cubs’ rotation.  He’ll be in the first Buy/Sell of the season later today.  You can hardly wait.  No, you.

Brian Wilson – Bochy said Wilson was never scratched on Wednesday, he wasn’t supposed to pitch.  So Brian Wilson owners can Smile.

Chris Perez – In five pitches, he threw a complete inning.  After the game, he said, “The quicker the inning, the more time for mullet grooming.”  He should be fine for Opening Day (The One Not Starting Between 3 AM and 6 AM.)

Scott Podsednik – Told reporters he’s not making the Phils’ roster with them opting for Juan Pierre.  Can’t him and Juan Pierre get into one pair of Ryan Howard’s pants and be a stealing hybrid that sounds like a French revolutionary, Robspierre.

Adam LaRoche – Returned to the Nats lineup after nursing a foot injury for, like, two weeks.  Is it me or is LaRoche always hurt?  He should change his name to Adam LaOuch.

Carl Pavano – A police search warrant revealed that a classmate of Pavano threatened to reveal a homosexual affair with the pitcher if he didn’t buy him an SUV.  I’ll never look at his porn mustache the same.

In the first real game of the season (it was real, right?  I looked for highlights, but ESPN was showing a Red Sox split-squad game instead).  From the box score, I heart Brandon McCarthy.  His line was 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners and 3 Ks.  Yeah, the Mariners aren’t very good at hitting, but a quality start is a quality start.  Brandon McCarthy celebrated by taking out a Tokyo girl with red streaks in her hair who lives on the other side of the tracks.  Sorry Peking Ducky!  I tried to get Rudy to draft McCarthy in one of our leagues on Tuesday night, and was disappointed to see he went to someone else for $9.  I have his projections down as 8-11/3.50/1.17/140.  Last year, his home ERA and WHIP was 2.65 and 1.11.  He may not strike out many hitters, but there’s not many pitchers late I’d trust to actually help my WHIP.  Anyway, here’s what else we saw in spring training (and real baseball) for 2012 fantasy baseball:

Justin Smoak – 0-for-5.  That two day pick up has worked out well so far!  While he’s at it, maybe he can hit a line drive into Florida and injure Anibal Sanchez.

Ichiro Suzuki – 5 ABs, 4 singles, 2 balls out of the infield.  That’s a .800 AVG in baseball and .400 AVG in sumo.

Dustin Ackley – Home run and steal for the first official slam & legs of the season.  Back in November, I went over my Dustin Ackley fantasy.  I wrote it while beating Steve Wiebe at Donkey Kong.

Felix Hernandez – 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks.  With the week layoff between the second and third Mariners game, is he gonna start twice in the first four games of the Mariners season?  Cause that would be kinda awesome…If I owned him anywhere…which I don’t…  Sticking with the dot, dot, dot theme:

Michael Morse – His collagen injection paid wonders and was able to secure a sugar daddy may make it back for Opening Day.  If not, he shouldn’t miss much time.

Drew Storen – Expected to start the year on the DL.  Of course he is.  He’s only thrown 2 innings this spring.  As I mentioned in our fantasy baseball podcast, Henry Rodriguez is looking to me like one of those middle relievers that comes out of nowhere and Ks a shizzton and ends up being more valuable than your number three fantasy starter that you were crazy about in March and wanted to kill in May.  Think Venters instead of Liriano last year.  Actually, think of Venters instead of Liriano last year as long as you don’t have any sharp objects around.  No, a comparison to Venters isn’t completely apt.  Rodriguez’s WHIP might be more in line with a Marmol.  But he gets Ks, should get innings and may get saves.  Who’s standing in his way?  Lidge?  Oy.  If I wanted straight saves, I’d go Lidge first.  He will probably be the first guy to see ninth inning looks.  It doesn’t mean he will be the last guy to see saves in Storen’s stead.

Justin Morneau – The 2nd best Canadian 1st baseman is starting to heat up as spring training comes to a close.  He’s hit 3 HRs in the past couple days.  Hopefully, he doesn’t rub it in to Brian Roberts at the next Concussion Anonymous meeting.

Brian Wilson – His beard must be itchy because the Giants scratched him from Wednesday’s game.  If you drafted him, hope you enjoy wild rides.  Follow his gimp’s lead and handcuff him with Sergio Romo and/or Santiago Casilla.  (For saves, I’d go Casilla first.)

B.J. Upton – Headed to the DL to start the year as B.J.’s back is still Upton-o-good after colliding with Desmond Jennings in the OF.  They are just too fast.  The Rays have to regulate them like NASCAR to avoid this stuff in the future.  Steals ain’t got no face, but they require a functioning back.  Upton said he could miss only a few games (three), and doesn’t expect to miss more than a few weeks.  Gulp.  Hopefully it’s the former if former means the first one.  Brandon Guyer should get some playing time in the mean’s while.  Take note those of you in 30-team MLB leagues.

Jed Lowrie – Jammed his thumb.  Thumb up the jam, thumb it up!  Sorry, that always gets me.  Lowrie said he should be back in a few days.  Sounds like a stereotypical Sparky Anklebiter injury.  So a player with too much can’t-put-your-finger-on-it-ness needs to put his finger on ice.

J.J. Hardy – Received a cortisone shot in his shoulder yesterday, which is a steroid (tomato-potato, I guess).  I didn’t like Hardy going into the spring, but the one thing he offered was power.  How you think the power’s gonna be with a sore shoulder?  Yup.

Chris Carpenter – Having a bone spur removed, will be sidelined a couple of months.  No, this is not the Cardinals’ Chris Carpenter, it’s the Red Sox’s Chris Carpenter.  What a jinxed name.  This is a warning to anyone underage getting a fake ID.  Don’t go with Leo Nunez or Fausto Carmona.  The authorities will be all over you.

Did you know that Vapors song, Turning Japanese, is about masturbation?  Because when said act is done, a man squints, hence turning Japanese.  Things that are offensive aren’t always racist, but, in this case, they are.  Too bad The Vapors follow up single, “When I Really Have To Pee, I Dance Like A Cherokee” never climbed the charts.  So this morning, Selig, on advice from his toupee, is taking the greatest day, Opening Day, and putting it up against infomercials and a three hour loop of the Emergency Broadcast Network.  Why the hell is Opening Day at 3:05 AM Pacific Standard Time, you ask.  Because Selig is a f*cking idiot.  That asterisk is a U, by the way.  In case that wasn’t clear.  Way to excite the next generation of baseball fans.  Take Opening Day 6,000 miles west and have the two worst teams play.  Could we not get the Padres to play the Washington Generals in Cape Horn?  Anyway, for fantasy baseball, pick up anyone who may play, especially in H2H leagues.  They’re all fair game.  If I were you, I’d focus on the hitters.  From what I’ve read, Japanese ballparks are smaller…. They’re definitely smaller than O.co and Safeco.  I already grabbed Smoak in one league.  If I saw Pennington and I had room, I’d get me some.  Kurt Suzuki?  What the hey!  Seth Smith?  Do it!  Mike Carp, or as the Japanese say “Mike Sashimi,” grab him!  Middle relievers or the starters for the 2nd game, Vargas and Colon, are fair game, too.  Don’t drop anyone that is obviously valuable for your team just for a two game series that you can’t even watch because it’s four hours before dawn on the West Coast!  But I’ll take any leg up on my competition because, remember, a leg up on the competition means you’re urinating on them.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw in spring training for 2012 fantasy baseball:

Justin Smoak – Did he hit a home run this morning?  I hope so, but I’m writing this prior to 3 AM Pacific Standard Time so I have no clue.  Once again, eff Bud Selig.

Mat Latos – Left yesterday’s start with a mild calf strain.  Latos said, “I don’t know the layman’s terms of what’s going on but I’m fine.”  Isn’t that layman’s terms?  Latos said he’d make his next scheduled start.  I own Latos all over the place this year, and I’m not concerned.  It’s not an arm injury; he should be fine, or however they say it in layman’s terms.  Dusty’s Toothpick said, “Dusty and I plan on stretching Latos’s calf out on a medieval rack.  He’ll be good as new,” then Dusty’s Toothpick stroked his white cat.

Sean Marshall – Dusty is saying that he might choose to go with the dreaded closerousel, right after I went over all of the fantasy baseball closers.  Actually, I think this is a non-story.  The only thing that could happen is Marshall falters in April and someone else steps up.  Otherwise, Dusty will be all over Sean Marshall like Russell Brand was all over Sarah Marshall.

Lonnie Chisenhall – Optioned to the minors.  Well, my last round grab in one league is already gone as the Indians went with Jack Hannahan.  Maybe he threatened them with a liger.

Miguel Cabrera – Team doctors cleared him to get back to action and he should be fine for Opening Day.  This is a happy day for Miggy owners.  Miggy, “Is a happy day like a happy hour for twenty-four straight hours?”

Marlon Byrd – Nats and Braves have expressed interest.  They are going for Marlon Byrd after striking out in signing his more talented brothers, Damon and Keenen Ivory Byrd.

Nolan Arenado - Casey Blake did not make the club with them opting for a blahtoon of Chris Nelson and Jordan Pacheco until Nolan Arenado is ready.  This is surprising to me.  Just yesterday I put up the 2012 fantasy baseball rookies post and left off Nolan Arenado because I didn’t think he had a legitimate chance for good playing time this year before midseason, but now I’m thinking we might see him as early as June 1st.  If you’re not familiar with Nolan Arenado (BTW, his name only sounds right to me when you say the whole thing like Bobby Fischer or Mr. T), he won the AFL MVP (My acronyms got awards, snitches!).  AFL line was .388/.423/.636 in 121 ABs with 6 homers to go along with his 2011 minor league line of .298/.349/.487 and 20 homers and 122 RBIs in 517 ABs.  His minor league numbers were actually put up in a park that reduces home run numbers too.  Now that I’ve tempted you by the fruit of his booms get a load of this –>  He’s a 3rd baseman who will be playing his home games in Coors Field!  Hello, beautiful, it’s good to see you.  You are so not Ian Stewart.  That flake.  See, Nolan Arenado doesn’t strike out like a Donkey, Mini, Mini Mini or otherwise.  He walks.  He walks, you sexy beast!  Also, screw you, Garrett Atkins!  Go back to being a subject of the TV show, Whatever Happened to Garrett Atkins?  Something that wasn’t mentioned during my effusiveness (that’s a real word! (I think)) is those minor league numbers were in High-A.  He needs to see Double-A pitching, unless he’s a cyborg and he kills all pitching like Reggie wanted to kill the Queen.  In redraft leagues for right now, it’s too early to pick him up or draft him, but, what can I say, Rockies get me excited or exited if C’s scare you because of too many games of Words With Friends.  Now in keepers or dynasty leagues, I’d make sure to grab him later on for cheap when you’re filling out your bench.

Jordan Pacheco – Hey, his name sounds familiar… Oh, I just mentioned him.  Yeah, he’s in the Rockies 3rd base blahtoon.  He’s not much to talk about right now — so why do I keep talking about him?!  Well, he has catcher eligibility in some leagues, so those in deep 2 catcher leagues, he could be a play.

Nolan Reimold – Blue Jays recently inquired about Reimold.  I guess six outfielders/DHs isn’t enough.  Maybe Reimold can keep company with my other post-hype-I-keep-calling-him-a-sleeper-but-when-is-it-happening Travis Snider.

Jerry Sands – Dodgers sent him packing to the minors, opting for Juan Rivera.  The last time a Rivera replaced a Sands, they needed six bulldozers and permission from Bugsy Siegel.  Colletti was probably enamored with Rivera’s one good month last year, which was a Mirage.  I think it’ll turn out for everyone that this is a no Wynn.

Elvis Andrus – Left yesterday’s game with a tight hip.  Rangers said he’d be fine by Thursday.  Or, he’s too hip to be impaired, if you’re into Huey Lewis.

Scott Podsednik – Looking like a better bet to get a roster spot than Juan Pierre.  He’s hitting .362 and yesterday he homered off the bench.  I wonder who was pitching for the ball to go into the dugout so he could homer off the bench.  Is Oliver Perez back in baseball?

Brent Morel – Hit a homer yesterday, which is whatever, but I just wanted to remind people about my Brent Morel sleeper post.  I wrote it while washing my undercarriage.

Curtis Granderson – Was scratched with elbow soreness.  I’m usually scratched with elbow itchiness.  The Yankees don’t seem concerned, but they are sending him for an MRI.  For those that didn’t listen to my Curtis Granderson overrated post, prepare for me to be gleeful if his injury is serious.

Wade Davis – Will head to the bullpen with Jeff Niemann going into the 5th starter spot.  I’m not a fan of either guy, so this is whatever for fantasy, but I did notice an interesting resemblance with Jeff Niemann and this guy.

Mike Aviles – Red Sox announced he would be their starting shortstop.  No surprise here; they just made it official by optioning down Iglesias, who would be a non-factor anyway for 12-team leagues unless you count UZR as a statistic.

Jack Cust – Released by the Astros.  When pressed for comment, Jack cussed.  He was a three outcome pickup – awful starter, mediocre bench pickup, or preseason cut.  Cust kayin’.