Fantasy Baseball Advice

Sometimes when a player gets hurt, I feel bad if I told you to buy into them.  I’m like, “Shove your emotions into your cankles, you sissy!”  Alas, my inner Native American watching someone litter in a 70′s commercial comes out.  A tear forms in my eye and rolls into my mustache.  Then I leave it there to remind me of my fallen fantasy baseball comrades.  This mustache holds a lot of tears.  But when a player that I warned you against like Aaron Hill heads off to the DL with tightness in his hamstring, I do a little dance like MC Skat Cat.  You know the kid in high school that wore a helmet all day that you used to make fun of?  Okay, now remember when you were alone in the hallway and that same kid walk passed you and you said hello to him because no one else was around?  Today, that kid is Aaron Hill’s owners.  Save your ridicule until their back is turned.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jimmy Rollins – Having an MRI on his right calf strain.  Mr. Obvious phoned into Razzball HQ yesterday and said, “This is not great news for Rollins owners.  Hope for the best when the test comes back tomorrow.  Remember testing negative is a positive.”  Thanks, Mr. Obvious!

Jayson Werth – Left the game with hip soreness.  After the game, he said he’ll be fine.  He obviously just wanted to scare his fantasy owners.

Placido Polanco – 2-for-4, batting .484 so far.  That’s Polanculous!

Cole Hamels – 5 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 6 Ks, only one walk.  Okay, I’m a Hamels apologist, but he didn’t really pitch that bad.  Marquis hit a cheap grounder that scored two runs and Hamels’s control looked fine.  As they say in the porn industry, you can’t help it if balls find holes.  Would I have liked a shutout?  Yeah, well, dur.

Brian Roberts – Heads to the DL.  His abdominal muscle injury appears to have hurt his back too.  Like Chipper, he too is currently an injury domino.  This isn’t a great place to be if you own him.  You really should wait for any good news before selling him.  For instance, the day before a player returns there will be a news report something like, “Roberts feels great, set to return.”  He’ll probably return and get hurt again.  But your opponents don’t need to know that.  Take that “feels great” news and turn it into something.

Justin Duchscherer – 7 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Was glad I hung onto him in one league, wish I would’ve held onto him in two leagues.  Damn you, Mike Gonzalez, making me back you up!

Luke Hochevar – 5 IP, 4 ER, 5 Ks.  It’s true, I like to be able to pronounce a guy’s name when I own them.  Nevertheless!  That’s not why I’m ignoring Hochevar… Though I’m not exactly ignoring him when I’m talking about him… Nevertheless II!  He was hit pretty hard yesterday and had some luck to come out the game with a win.

Scott Podsednik – 4-for-5, 5th steal yesterday.  SAGNOF! (Yes, two days in a row, but some people need shizz drill into their heads.)

Jose Guillen – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs, HR yesterday.  Now has three homers in two days.  You pick up players when they’re hot, you drop them when they’re not.  Took Matthew Berry a whole semester at the College of Fantasy Baseball at Charleston to say that, but the gist remains.  (Oh, and loved loved loved what Merchant Ivory did with “The Gist Remains.”  Much better than “New Delhi On Wry” in my opinion.)

Brandon Inge – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs.  Hitting .345 through the 1st week.  Last year, he hit 7 homers in April with a .319 average.  Rudy dropped Sean-Rod for Inge in one of our leagues.  I didn’t object.

Ryan Raburn – Did nothing yesterday, but he did play 2nd base.  Probably was just a day off for Sizemore, but it’s not like he’s done anything.  Then again, Raburn hasn’t done anything either.  But if Raburn can get 400 ABs, he can hit 20 HRs.

Josh Willingham – Another homer yesterday.  The other white meat!

Julio Borbon – 0-for-4, now batting .040.  I have him in a league and I agree with George Thorogood.  One Borbon, one Scotch, and one beer.

Vladimir Guerrero – Bats over .450 on the year as he stole a base yesterday.  When Vlad has a tell-all autobiography ghostwritten one day, there will be a whole chapter about how he snuck a motorized scooter onto the field to steal a base.

Nelson Cruz – Hit his fifth homer yesterday.  I wish Hamilton was smoking whatever Cruz is.

Kerry Wood – Threw a bullpen session yesterday and the Indians said they might activate Wood without him going to the minors first to rehab.  In related news…

Chris Perez – Came into the game, didn’t record an out and loaded the bases.  You think he’d have the decency to at least try and scuff the balls with his stupid frickin’ mullet!  Jensen Lewis would be the next guy in line for saves.  Member when Lawrence Taylor said his life is in the toilet and no one is flushing?  That’s how my teams have been with closers.  So, for full disclosure, I did not grab Jensen Lewis in any leagues.

Fausto Carmona – 8 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners with 4 walks and 4 Ks.  It may seem like I’m stubbornly refusing to believe in this guy, but that’s really not that good of a line.

Frank Francisco – 1 IP, no baserunners, but his 1-2-3 inning wasn’t pretty.  Balls were hit hard.  Andrus had to make a diving stop.  On the other hand — the 100 MPH hand…

Neftali Feliz – Makes me feliz to watch him throw.  Made short work of the Indians for the save.  Could have the job for a while, but you still can’t drop Frank-Frank.

Andruw Jones – Look at everyone’s surefire Hall of Famer circa 2006 hitting 2 HRs yesterday.  His play is too sporadic to have fantasy value right now outside of AL-Only leagues, but if he gets outfield eligibility then he’ll be someone to look at.

Jason Frasor – Blew the save yesterday.  I’d grab Gregg where you have room, but I do think it’s still safely Frasor’s job.  Of course that could change quickly.

Vernon Wells – Hit his fifth homer yesterday.  You can’t spell Wells without sell…  Or swell, but ignore that.

Wandy Rodriguez – 4 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners.  Obviously wasn’t a good start, but there were only 2 walks.  Yes, that’s me trying to find the positive where there wasn’t much of one.  He gets the Cubs next, a team he dominated last year.  Hopefully he can right the Wandwagon.

Jay Bruce – 2-for-4 yesterday.  People are asking me in the comments if they should pick up Bruce because someone in their league dropped him.  The universal answer is yes and set a reminder for May 15th to mock your leaguemates.

Johnny Cueto – 5 IP, 4 ER, 2 Ks.  From what I saw, he was doing a good job getting ahead of the hitters, not as good a job putting them away.  He gets the Pirates next.  If that’s not a cakewalk, we may need to reevaluate.

Scott Rolen – 3-for-5, 2 HRs.  2002 called, it wants its home runs back.

Bengie Molina – 4-for-4, HR and 4 RBIs yesterday.  Was Monday Old Timer’s Day?

Derrek Lee – Lee left the game with an inflamed thumb.   X-rays came back negative.  He’s listed as day-to-day.  In other words, D. Lee is trying to avoid the DL.

Xavier Nady - HR yesterday as he replaced Lee.  Worth grabbing in NL-Only leagues in case Lee can’t return immediately.

Carl Pavano – 6 IP, 1 ER.  Extremely solid control and it looks like his taxi cab years in New York are well in his rear view mirror.  I’d take a chance on him if you need a solid #4 fantasy starter.  Plus, Target Field looks like a pitchers’ park and a great place to get women’s dress slacks.

Reid Brignac – 2-for-4, HR yesterday.  As I said in the comments yesterday, “Sean-Rod and Brignac will share time at 2nd until one can breakout, if one can breakout.”  And that’s me quoting me!  Though Brignac is definitely looking like the one that could breakout.  Right now, neither have much value outside of AL-Only leagues if they’re platooning.

Kevin Correia – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners.  Hodgepadre!

Chase Headley – 2-for-4, batting .448 on the year.  If you’re not owning him at this point, it’s your own fault.

Will Venable – 3-for-5, HR yesterday.  He’s okay in NL-Only leagues or if you can platoon him, but he doesn’t have an every day job.

Jair Jurrjens – 3 1/3 IP, 8 ER.  The positive coming out of this start was Rudy and I came up with a new glossary term.  Smugshot:  the grinning picture posted on a baseball site that drives you nuts when the player’s underperforming.  “Why the f*** are you grinning like that Jurrjens – you just gave up an 8 spot to the Padres!  The real crime isn’t that you’re killing my team, it’s that your damn smugshot rubs it in my face.”

David Ortiz – Big Floppy lashed out at reporters saying he’s not playing with a wrist injury.  “I used to take steroids and no longer do.  I’m a Latin 34, which makes me around 38 years old.  I don’t even know my real age!  Also, do I look like I’m in good shape?  Rhetoríco!  I’m just not a good hitter anymore.  Leave it at that.”  That was me paraphrasing.  But it went sorta like that.

Now’s the time that you realize your fantasy season is over and you start trading everyone to get Vernon Wells, because you think it’s the old Vernon, who didn’t steal 100 mil from the Blue jays. Come on, seriously. This is a marathon, not a walk to the fridge. As I previously stated SP is the hardest to forecast, wins especially. So have no fear and go crazy with the waiver wire and get yourself back in the “streaming” mood. Here is the week 2 starters who might not be owned in your league that may give you a huge gift basket full of joy with some left over peeps from Easter.

Jeremy Guthrie (TB vs. Garza) (Oak vs. Duchscherer)
This guy is like that last shot on a Saturday night.  You know you shouldn’t.  Your judgment is all screwy and you’re still looking for the grenade to bring home. Home/away spilts are fairly evenly bad, but Charm City is going to score some runs this year. Losing all games to date by one run.  Roll the dice on both starts.

Brian Matusz (TB vs. Niemann)( Oak vs. Anderson)
If he isn’t owned in your league, then you probably play in a 8 team league with all your uncles.  Pick him up posthaste in any league, any format.  May get Sonnanstine start one, and for the baseball purest start 2 may be a matchup of the best two young lefties in baseball.

Fausto Carmona (Tex vs. Harden)( CHW vs. Floyd)
Here is your wing man on Saturday night, who bought you that shot. This guy is a roster move enigma.  Lots of people bit on the ST hype, guess what? Tuffy Rhodes was also the number one pick up after day one of a baseball season. Two home starts are always a fave of mine. Shaky rollercoaster all season. Avoid.

Max Scherzer (KC vs. Hochevar) (@Sea vs. Rowland-Smith)
His last name makes Johnny Jolly want to be friends with him. Already pitched very effective against KC, but the Sunshine Band hits him pretty good. Second start is an easy call matchup-wise by name alone.  Will have a down start here or there and I’m predicting it against Seattle.

Luke Hochevar (@Det vs. Scherzer) (@Minn vs. Blackburn)
Is the barber to the “oldest profession” in the world, well phonetically he is. First start may wish you regretted even laughing at that joke, Minnesota’s new digs is going to be a pitchers’ park, but freezing. Not a personal fave of mine and I’m not big on either start.

Carl Pavano (Bos vs. Lester) (KC vs. Hochevar)
The “small market” wonder, started well vs. Angels.  Almost too well.  Versus the Red Sox isn’t going to be pretty. Will look completely different in second start. End of the week gamble if you’re behind and need a quality start.

Justin Duchscherer (@ Sea vs. Rowland-Smith) ( @ Balt vs. Guthrie)
Has the goods, just in a damaged box. Got torched by SEA earlier in week 1, albeit at Home. May get redemption road style. Like his chances more against Guthrie. Watch first start, and follow along.

Ryan Rowland-Smith (Oak vs. Duchscherer) (Det vs. Scherzer)
Big time deep sleeper for this year.  Will get a lot of favorable matchups in the AL West. Pitched okay vs. A’s first go around and the change of park serves him well. Not so nervous vs. Detroit as I should be. I’m taking a flier in most leagues.

Barry Zito (Pitt vs. Ohlendorf) (@ LAD vs. Kershaw)
Huge add in leagues after week one magic show.  Watched his start on DVR, looked awesome, like when Zito had wingmen called Mulder and Huddy. Grab ASAP, start one will probably be a 3ER in 6 innings kind of affair. I’d take that all day. Second is another sneaky good matchup of lefties.

Doug Davis (@CHC vs. Dempster) (@ Was vs. Hernandez)
Innings gobbler, got on the wrong end of a Colorado whooping stick again. Huge offensive potential behind him that can blow up. Can get you 7 Ks a game with a 5 era. I’m liking the second start better. Is an avoid for me for both starts.

Kevin Correia (Atl vs. Jurrjens) (Ari vs. Kennedy)
Pitched good enough to win vs. Arizona in week one.  His offense is garbage behind him.  2 starts at home for any Padres pitcher is a bonus. Favorably matchup in second start . Top add of the week or should be, hurry up.

Ross Ohlendorf (@ SF vs. Zito) (Cin vs. Cueto)
Another guy who pitched well enough to win.  I think it was Robot’s day off. Gets 2 okay matchups vs. teams that are offensive conundrums. A semi-risky add for anyone looking to juice up the chances for a week 2 victory.

Ian Kennedy (@ Lad vs. Kershaw) (@ SD vs. Correia)
Pitched great in week one by his standards.  2 road starts, one vs. C-Saw and another in Petco. What more needs to be said about the second start? I like him for 12 Ks this week and at least one win. Grab him like you stole it.

Clayton Kershaw went 4 and two-thirds innings, giving up three earned and 11 baserunners.  Six of those ducks on the pond were walks.  That’s 1-2-3-4-5-6 walks.  Versus the Pirates.  A team that had a .318 OBP last year.  Sure, this year they’re starting with Robot Jones, “I must kill the Queen,” but c’mon.  How did I convince myself a pitcher who can’t get through 5 innings was a good idea?  I blame all of you.  Someone should of said something.  And if you did say something, you should used more exclamation marks or a bigger font.  This is not your beautiful wife, this is not your beautiful house, this is a pitcher who walks the ballpark.  On the bright side — and let’s face it, we need a bright side since not all of us live on the first floor — Kershaw was very bad last April too.  He’ll get better.  Or at least I keep telling myself that.  Convincing, right?  No, really he will.  Right?  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Aaron Cook – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 5 Ks.  Can you smell what the Cook is rocking?  Smells like Dwayne Johnson’s movie career.

Carlos Gonzalez – 2-for-5, Run scored.  I’m as impressed as everyone else with what he’s doing so far.  Like a dwarf standing in line, I smell a but. Yeah, random italicized voice, there’s a but.  His jumps and/or reads on his stolen base attempts have been poor at best.  Last year, his stolen base percentage wasn’t bad, but he was weak in the minors.  6 steals, 3 times caught in Triple A; 9 steals, 5 times caught in Double-A; 8 times caught in 23 attempts in Single-A… Do you want your leadoff man getting on and getting erased?  Probably not.

Miguel Olivo – 1-for-3, HR yesterday.  I know it’s frustrating when your catcher doesn’t start, but this was a day game after a night game.  Iannetta won’t play this game at any point in the season if Olivo’s healthy.  Could Olivo steal time?  Yup, uh-huh, yeppers.  But because he started this game is no indication of that.

Alcides Escobar – 1-for-2, 1 RBI.  Carlos Gomez does not belong in the two hole, even if it seems appropriate because of what comes out of the two hole.  Over/under for Alcides moving up to leadoff or the two hole is the end of April.  I’m taking the under.

Trevor Hoffman – Got his 2nd save yesterday.  When he was facing Todd Helton, I smelled fossil.

Ian Desmond – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs, HR yesterday.  Desmond can make it all right, brotha.

Cole Hamels – 5 IP, 2 ER, 5 Ks, 9 baserunners and the Win.  He’s just lucky there’s only one Ian Desmond.

Ryan Howard – Two games, two homers.  Howard’s not usually a fast starter.  If he stays hot in April, he could hit a lot of homers this year.  At least the Maris family hopes so.  We was duped!

Kelly Johnson – 2 HRs yesterday.  This is why you just draft guys and let them play.  Otherwise, you end up like this, “Grey, I dropped Desmond on Monday for Kelly Johnson, then dropped Johnson for EverCab.  Now I’m wondering if I should use my waiver claim for Desmond who I just dropped two days ago.  Or what do you think of Scutaro?”

Ian Kennedy – 5 IP, 3 ER, 8 Ks, 0 BBs.  Granted, it’s the Pads, but still Kennedy only really made one mistake — a three-run homer to Hairston.  Joba must be thinking of staying in ‘Zona for good next time he goes to Burning Man.

Kevin Correia – 6 IP, 4 ER, 6 Ks, 0 BBs.  Was beat by Kelly Johnson and Krispie Young going long.  In Petco, he would’ve won this game.  Once a hodgepadre, always a hodgepadre.

Ervin Santana – 6 IP, 4 ER.  Has looked bad and I think his elbow might still be hurting him.  I’m not getting caught in this guy’s free fall.  I’m in the exit row, my life vest is secure and I’m ready to help you secure your flotation device.

Mike Napoli – 1-for-4, RBI.  In related news, Jeff Mathis woke up yesterday with a horse’s head wrapped in a Snuggie.

Brandon Wood – 1-for-12 on the season.  Good to see he’s really running with the job.  If he’s not careful, soon the pine’s good get some more Wood.  There’s a pun in there somewhere, you find it.

Justin Duchscherer – 5 2/3 IP, 5 ER.  Duchs suchs.  Not loving these AL starters at all.  Where’s Latos?  I need him.  I’m feeling a “No Latos” intolerance.

Matt Garza – 8 IP, 1 ER, 9 Ks.  Okay, I’m not hating all my AL starters.

Milton Bradley – Homered then gave the game away with his defense.  Blame it on the Mariners’ Moose… Lost the ball in the lights that are whiter than Jerry Reuss…

Luke Hochevar – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners.  He looked sharp last night and I’m ready to leap if he pitches this well again.  Though he’s pitched well before only to get torched right after, so I am not going to fall for the banana in the old tailpipe just yet.

Max Scherzer – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 Ks, 3 baserunners.  In what sounded like a battle of Michael Chabon characters, Max Scherzer actually looked even better than Hochevar.

Fausto Carmona – 6 IP, 1 Hit, 3 ER… Wow, that’s not a bad line at– Wait a second, he also threw 6 walks and 1 strikeout.  Yeah, that’s not something you want to be part of.

Garrett Jones – Hit his 3rd homer yesterday.  I took him out of my lineup because he was facing a lefty.  Sonvabench!

Russell Martin – HR yesterday.  Martin only hit that homer to annoy all the fantasy baseballers (<–my Mom’s term) who skipped over him in favor of Napoli or Iannetta.  He’s in your head!

Josh Hamilton – Now 6 Ks in his last 7 ABs.  Maybe he’s missing ex-Rangers hitting coach, Rudy Jaramillo.  The second most influential Rudy in baseball.

Rich Harden – I’m sure when a lot of his owners saw he only threw three and two-thirds innings before he was removed that he must of been hurt.  Well, take out your piñatas, but don’t swing the sticks near Harden because he’s still healthy.  He struckout eight hitters and walked five so he was removed because of a high pitch count.  Kid gloves and all.

Vladimir Guerrero – HR yesterday.  I never thought the day would come when I owned a DH-Only hitter and was happy about it, but we have Vlad in more than one league and I’m kinda enjoying it.  I think at DH and in Arlington he can have a respectable year.

Kyle Blanks – Hit for the golden sombrero — 0-for-4, 4 Ks.  He was so bad that firing himself would’ve been both appropriate and punny.

J.J. Hardy – Hit his 2nd HR of the year.  It’s no mystery that a SS with 20 HR power has some fantasy value.

Vernon Wells – 2 HRs yesterday.  3 HRs for the year.  This resurrection is the best piece of Wells-authored science fiction since War of the Worlds.

Jenrry Mejia – Made his major league debut as he threw one inning and gave up one run in three hits.  The Mets seem to be taking the Joba route with him.  So far, similar results.

Leo Nunez – Blew the save as he walked in a run then balked in a run.  This was after a, uh, balky spring.  There’s no clear cut replacement for Nunez but it’s something to watch.

Jon Heyman – Obviously feeling upstaged by the Verducci Effect’s shortcomings, Heyman released his breakout candidates for 2010.  Some of the names are Jayson Werth, Justin Upton, B.J. Upton, Matt Kemp, Ubaldo Jimenez, Nolasco, Gallardo and Cano.  Great stuff, Jon!  I think Lincecum is on the cusp of being a good pitcher.  And who knows, maybe there’s something to this Pujols fellow.

Edgar Renteria – 5-for-5 or a hit for every decade he’s been alive.

John Bowker – 1-for-4, HR yesterday.  Here’s what I said last year, “Bowker’s proven more than capable in the minors.  This year’s Triple-A numbers are 82/21/83/.342/10 with more walks than strikeouts.  In NL-Only leagues, you should absolutely grab him.  In mixed leagues, I’d wait a few unless you’re absolutely hurting for power.”  And that’s me quoting me!  I’ll add that Bowker is a little long in the tooth and may be nothing more than a Quad-A player.

Eli Whiteside -  That’s who I buy my lox from.

Jorge Posada’s going to hit 161 home runs (accounting for one rainout, of course), Granderson’s going to win the MVP and Big Papi still sucks.  Oh, and Beckett’s record will be 0-25-1. Yes, a tie.  My crystal ball doesn’t lie, don’t second guess it.  Spring has sprung and baseball’s back.  It’s a good time to be alive.  The flowers smell different, don’t they?  They smell like hot dogs.   Right now, I feel like putting some endangered Chilean sea bass on the grill, an Olde English in an oversized cozy and kicking back for the next six months while the sounds of baseball dance in my head.   Oh, and win all my fantasy baseball leagues; that would be nice too.  The number one thing you don’t want to do in the next few weeks is overrate anything you see.  You’re not winning your league in the first few weeks, but you can lose it.  As inviting as Brett Gardner seems right now, don’t drop A-Rod for him.  Even if A-Rod cheats.  Brett Gardner’s an intriguing name in deep leagues.  Just don’t jump out the window until you see how real the fire is.  On the other hand, don’t ignore what goes on these first few weeks.  This is when The ‘08 Nadys (<–great band name) get signed, but is also when the ’09 Bonifacios open for them.  Anyway, here’s what I saw this weekend for fantasy baseball:

Jon Rauch – Officially the closer for the Twins.  Old news at this point.  But, as far as I’m concerned, old news is better than new news because saying new news sounds dumb.  Who are you, Starship singing Sara, Sara… Sara, Sara?  I get it.  One Sara would suffice.  No reason why Rauch can’t be completely effective as the closer, or effective until July when the Twins trade for Bell.  Rauch is a sneaky donkeycorn, which is redundant because all donkeycorns are sneaky.  It’s in their DNA.  In all the leagues I had Guerrier, and it was quite a few, I dropped him and grabbed Duchscherer.

Justin Duchscherer – When healthy, he’s pitched well.  When not healthy, you DL or drop him.  He’s a Bennis Carpensheeter.

Andrew Bailey – Limped off the field on Saturday with grabbing in his knee.  *sad trombone*  Bailey says he’ll be fine for Opening Day.  I say it’ll be a miracle if he gets through April healthy.  With Wuertz *pinkie to mouth* hurtz, I grabbed Ziegler and dropped Duchscherer in one league.  Yes, in the matter of two blurbs I’ve added two guys and dropped two guys.  That’s how I roll.

Gio Gonzalez – Named the A’s fifth starter.  I already dazzled your retinas with why to own Gio Gonzalez.  Gio’s 1980 Belushi wild, but he’s also pretty unhittable.  He could easily be the AL’s answer to Jorge de la Rosa.  Oh, and Gio pitches in a pitcher’s park.  Hello, melons, I like to squeeze.

Coco Crisp – Fractured his pinkie.  And the breaks keep coming for the A’s.  I mean good breaks.  Bee tee dubya, Fox didn’t crack the lineup even without Crisp.  Let us say, radicchio.

Jack Cust – Geez, is this an all A’s roundup?  Cust was designated for assignment.  Still… No Fox!  Eric Chavez will be the primary DH.  As far as Chavez can limp, DH may as well stand for designated hamstring.  Chavez doesn’t need Macho Camacho to knock him out, a strong gust of wind will do.  Fox will see his share of ABs this year.  Elias Sports Bureau said Jake Fox is the first super-utility man in the history of baseball who can’t play defense.  Actually, they didn’t say that, but something that was overheard this week in the Elias Sports Bureau compound, “On Monday, Peter, in accounting, imitated the dramatic prairie dog a record 17 times.”

Nate McLouth – Hamstring’s fine, will play on Opening Day.  This guy really fell off the map in drafts.  See no reason why he can’t give you a 20/20 season with a mediocre average.

Luis Valbuena – Bruised his hand and will miss a few days.  Grudzielanek will fill-in for him.  Somewhere the guy who has to sew the last names on the Indians’ jerseys groans.

John Bowker – Won the starting job over Schierholtz.  That’s like beating conjoined twins in a race to put on pants.

Scott Kazmir – To the 15-day DL.  No way!  C’mon!  Really?  He’s only supposed to miss two starts.  And I was only supposed to write a blog for a few months back in 2007.  Oh-kay.

Jeff Francis – Rockies placed him on the DL.  In other news, who cares?

Seth Smith – Will start over Dexter Fowler on Opening Day.  It’s only Opening Day, but Fowler’s value could take a hit moving forward. Unless we can somehow coax Brad Hawpe to run into a wall.  Smith’s a great pickup in deep mixed leagues and NL-Only leagues.  His bat has never been the issue.  Playing time has.

Aroldis Chapman – Sent to Triple-A.  He’ll be back at some point.  June is my guess.  Filling in for him is…

Mike Leake -The first 1st (geez, so much redundancy in this post) round pick to make it to the major leagues from last year’s amateur draft (you know, the one with Strasburg).  Leake has quality control and strikeout stuff.  I’d grab him in keepers and NL-Only leagues.  Just remember Homer Bailey was a highly touted pitcher and we’re still waiting for him.  For every rookie phenom, there’s a few roofies in your drink and you wake up in Guatemala watching a high school production of My Fair Lady.

Mike Jacobs – Staying in the “Mike” genre, Jacobs will be in a blahtoon with Fernando Tatis.  I understand the Mets are biding their time until Ike Davis is ready, but they couldn’t have went after a 1st baseman this offseason.  The Mets are a big market team, right?  Cause I could’ve sworn New York qualified for that distinction.  The Mets really need to move past minayal and get on with pain and guilt.

Dustin Pedroia – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and a HR yesterday.  He says he wants to go for 20 homers.  That would be a record for a Sparky Anklebiter.

Kevin Youkilis – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and hit his first and probably only triple this year.  Assist from Nick Swisher when his route to the Youk triple was through Beacon Street.

Josh Beckett – 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER.  Last year, his April ERA was 7.22.

CC Sabathia – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER.  Another notoriously slow starter.  He’ll be fine.  Long season, yadda².

Brett Gardner – 2-for-4, steal of home.  You tell Raphael that Brett Gardner ain’t taking no jive from no Western Union messenger.

Jorge Posada – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs, HR, one manly pat on the butt from Andy Pettitte.

Nick Johnson – 0-for-3, hurt himself on Friday, but played yesterday.  If you have Johnson on your team and you need him to stay healthy, it’s like needing farts to not smell.

Right now, Jason Bartlett has a 45/8/39/.347/19 line.  At 29-years-old, he’s flying past his career numbers.  Before this season, his career high for homers was 5.  He’s already at 8.  So let’s say the talk of his new jack swing is true; he can hit for more power now.  He’s still not hitting more than 5 homers in the 2nd half (he hit 1 homer in June and July in 87 ABs).  Recently, Maddon has batted him 7th or 8th in the order.  So the runs won’t come easy unless he eats at Taco Bell.  He’s a career .286 hitter with a .398 BABIP right now, so the average will come down.  He’s never stolen more than 23 bases in a season, but let’s say he blows that away by ten.  So let’s be optimistic and say a 2nd half line of 30/5/35/.300/14.  I ran an ultraviolet light over my bedsheets and it read, “That sounds a lot like Clint Barmes’s 2nd half.”  Thanks for confirming my suspicions, bed!  So Bartlett is a Sell.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Josh Whitesell – Speaking of -sells, but this one’s a Buy… Kinda.  Whitesell doesn’t have every day playing time right now, so grab him in NL-Only leagues, but everywhere else I’d hold tight.  So, I guess, that’s a Whitehold.

Ramon Troncoso – The only thing better than getting vulture saves for your birthday is getting vulture wins.  But I’d take some vulture saves on my half birthday (<–it’s tomorrow!).

Pedro Martinez – Already went over my thoughts on Pedro to the Phillies.  I said, “In his last 48 starts, he has a 4.74 ERA and that was in a pitchers’ park.  On the other hand, he has been solid for Ks even as his career winds down.  On the third hand, he gave up 19 homers in 109 innings last year.  Oy.  I would grab him in an NL-Only league to see if there’s a spark left from the midget era, but I’d hold off in mixed leagues.”  And that’s me saving you the trouble of searching the site yourself!

Justin Duchscherer – Expected back early August.  I’d stash him if I had a DL spot.

Garrett Jones – If you’re wondering about this guy, where ya been?  He’s now been mentioned in three straight Buy/Sells.

Jed Lowrie – Will return on Saturday.  In a weekly AL-Only league, I’ve already activated him.  In a mixed league, where I’m rocking Everth Cabrera, I’m not sure what I’m going to do.  I’ll probably drop Lowrie because even in his Sons of Sam Horn-deemed huge year in 2008, he had 2 homers and one steal while batting .258 in two-hundred and sixty at-bats.  Pardon me while I yawn.

Marcus Thames – Has 3 homers in the last six games.  He can hit 7 more homers in the month of July before he becomes unusable in August, i.e., he’s streaky like Spike’s hair from Degrassi Junior High.  If Thames ever becomes a regular fantasy contributor, I have the title, “A Thames Runs Through It” burning a hole in my pocket.

Alex Gordon – Hey, it’s Grey’s favorite prospect that makes San Diego prospect, Nadir Bupkus, look valuable.  Boing! The best you could hope for from Gordon is a 5 to 7 homer 2nd half and 5 to 7 steals.  Those are optimistic when you consider he just had hip surgery.  Gordon’s worth grabbing if your corner spot is in dire straits, Mark Knopfler.

Edwin Encarnacion – To answer comment #76, “I’d go with Edwin over Alex Gordon.”

Mat Latos – The newest of the HodgePadres.  He was dissected in a Scouting the Unknown a few weeks ago.  I’d grab Latos in all leagues 12 or deeper.

Brandon Wood – Don’t blame Scioscia, where do you put a guy named Wood other than the bench?  It’s the power of the aptronym (<–Word of the Day!).  So, how long you think Scioscia extends Wood?  Hmm… Let’s rephrase.  How long until Wood’s demoted again?  Week?  Two?  I hope Wood’s up for good and getting regular at-bats, but I have my doubts.  He’s worth a flier but I wouldn’t invest too heavily.

SELL

Jay Bruce – Since I had no DL spot, I dropped him for Troncoso in a 15 team league.  He might return in 6 weeks.  Awesome!  He wasn’t hitting when his wrist was one piece.  I’d hold him in keepers and deep NL-Only leagues.

Dan Haren – The dog days of summer don’t do him justice.  Maybe he’s part-Albino and he’s scared of sun damage.  Whatever the case, the stats don’t lie.  Not since 2005 has he pitched well in the 2nd half.  And that was following a season of 46 innings in 2004, so my guess is he tires.  From 2006 through 2008, his 2nd half ERAs have been 4.91, 4.15 and 4.19, respectively.  Every way you look at it, he’s not the pitcher in the 2nd half as he has been in the 1st half.

Casey McGehee – McGehee has been slowed by patella tendinitis in his knee.  (I went to college with a Patella.  Sweet girl.)  McGehee’s 3 for his last 17 and has sat out three games in the last week.  As I said all along, McGehee wasn’t that great to begin with, if he’s hurting, there’s no reason to wait around.  It sure didn’ take McGehee long to go from a Buy to a Sell.  (BTW, the “T” that I left off of “didn” is being boxed up and shipped to Mat Latos.)