Fantasy Baseball Advice

As I’ve been saying for the last month, Neftali Feliz will be the closer and he doesn’t have syphilis.  Now stop experimenting on him!  Feliz shoots all the way back up to the top of the Donkeycorns and can/should/verb be the top closer in the game by the end of the season.  This also means Matt Harrison will be a starter.  And to that I say, “I enjoyed your work on Falcon Crest.”  Matt Harrison shall be now known as the Lone Ranger, as in he’ll be the lone Ranger that no one drafts.  Anyway, here’s some other fantasy baseball news:

Tommy Hunter – Suffered a groin strain.  I know too well about those!  Oh, wait, no I don’t.  *blushes*  Maybe they’ll put Neftali back in the rotation.  I’m kidding!  They’ll probably use Dave Bush.  Um, yikes.

Matt Dominguez – Out as the Marlins 3rd baseman so that leaves…. Drum roll, please.  Wes Helms, Greg Dobbs and Emilio Bonifacio.  Drum roller, “I can’t believe I’m drum rolling this crap.  I once drum rolled Fonzie setting a world record by jumping over 14 garbage cans on a motorcycle!”  My best guesstimate for playing time will be Wes Helms gets 300 ABs, Emilio gets 150 and Dobbs gets gobs of sunflower seeds stuck in his teeth.  It’s not a pretty blahtoon and should be avoided at all costs.

Chase Utley – Will start the season on the DL.  I imagine he will start May on the DL.  And June.  And July.  And… Well, you get the picture.  I wouldn’t draft Utley this year.  Not worth the ulcer.

Scott Rolen – Big injury wheel keeps on turning…Rolen, Rolen, Rolen hurt his fingers.  Rolen almost managed to get out of spring training without an injury.  He had to leave yesterday’s game after getting hit on the hand as he was unable to grip the bat.  Still TBD if this is serious but it didn’t seem like it was DL-worthy.  If it is, Juan Francisco likely makes the team and gets most of the starts.  (Please let Juan Francisco start for the Reds for our LABR team.  Reds-a-roni!)

Kevin Correia – Will be the Pirates Opening Day starter.  Correia?  Who is running Pittsburgh — Kim Jong-il?

Freddy Garcia – Will be the Yankees fifth starter.  We’ll see what Freddy Garcia shows up:  This one or this one.

Joe Nathan – As I said in Tuesday’s Closer Look, he’s been awful.  Wouldn’t be surprised if his job gets *pinkie to mouth* Cappsized, at least in the first few weeks.  Actually, here’s what I see happening.  Nathan gets torched and Capps saves a few games while Nathan works things out.  Then Nathan returns, gets torched again and, finally, the Twins send him to the Disgraceful List.

Lorenzo Cain – Melky Effin’ Cabrera is putting a hurt on Team Grey.  Looks like Cain is going to start the year in the minors.  And, even if he doesn’t, Melky’s locking up the center field job on the Royals.  Melky, I like your name, I do not like what you’re doing to Lorenzo Cain.  You’re on notice.

Cody Ross – The boo-boo on the moo-moo is going to have Ross shelved for 3 weeks.  Nate Schierholtz should see most of the time in right.  He’s pretty much waiver wire fodder in NL-Only leagues unless he’s hot.

Casey McGehee – Got hit by a pitch and was carted off the field.  X-rays showed he should be fine for the start of the season.  X-rays also found a misplaced remote control.

Justin Duchscherer – Orioles said he’d start the season on the DL.  Hate to be one for semantics, but I think they meant he’d spend the season on the DL.

Brent Morel – Will be the White Sox opening 3rd baseman, but he should be avoided in all leagues.  Though Morel does seem like a funghi!

Mike Minor – As reported here first after reading it elsewhere, Beachy will be the fifth starter.  Minor should change his name, aptronyms (Word of the day!) will get you every time.

Jair Jurrjens – Sticking with the newly established Braves starting rotation theme, Jar-Jar left yesterday’s game because of pain in his side.  Jar-Jar said, “Meesa tinks me side hurts me now.”  Braves are saying he’ll be fine for the start of the season.  Okay, but he’s injury prone and I think we see Minor and Beachy in the rotation before too long.

Franklin Gutierrez – The Big FraGu is going to start the year on the DL because he has stomach issues stemming from a slow digestive tract.  His body treats all food like maraschino cherries and gum.  Food for Franklin Gutierrez is like last season for the Mariners.  Difficult to digest.

No, there’s probably no cast in Andre’s future.  I’m not even sure they make casts small enough for the pinkie finger.  That was Pingping‘s downfall, that and the chain smoking.  After Andre Ethier broke a bone in his pinkie, he said something was seriously wrong.  Seriously?  You got a boo-boo on your pinkie!  What, you can’t make shadow animals now?  When he found out what it was, he said that it’s the leverage point of his swing and it would prevent him from holding the bat the way he normally does.  Who’s leverage point is their freakin’ pinkie?!  This is like the pea under the princess’s mattress.  His biggest concern is probably how he can stick his pinkie out while drinking tea.  Ethier could be out for a few weeks or he can play through it.  So he’s damned if he does or a half dozen of the other… Or however that cliché goes.  If it is his leverage point, you don’t want him playing through it.  If he doesn’t play through it, he could be out at least a few weeks.  And here I thought the only time Ethier and the word pinkie would be associated would be from this picture.  Draw your own conclusions, but I’m guessing he’s in Key West.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Chad Billingsley – 7 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks.  What every pitcher needs, a trip to Petco.

Huston Street – Huston, we have a setback.  We should just call them streetbacks.  This time he strained his groin.  Straining your groin is so adolescent!  Corpas stays the number one option for saves.  He’s by no means safe, but he’s safer than the other options.  Those really hurting for saves can look at Cuddle Boy, Rafael Betancourt.

Jeff Francis – 7 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Definitely worth grabbing in NL-Only and deeper mixed leagues, but, in the end, he’s a mid-4 ERA, 6 K/9 pitcher.  It’s just a’ight.

Brad Lidge – You know those signs that say, “If you lived here, you’d be home right now?”  How about the sign, “If you were Brad Lidge, you’d be injured right now?” Lidge returns to the DL and Jose Contreras continues to fill in the closer role.  Those is desperate need of saves can look at Danys Baez and J.C. Romero too.

J.C. Romero – And J.C. turns a close game into a save.  There were lefties batting and Contreras had pitched two days in a row, so that’s what went on here.  Though it does give you an idea of the pecking order when you’re vulturing.

Jimmy Rollins – To return on Monday.  Assuming he doesn’t share a doctor with Brad Lidge.

Kila Ka’aihue – Was sent back down.  Too bad he couldn’t make the best of his time.  Then again, he was only given 4 at-bats in almost two weeks.  Here’s a prospect, here’s the Royals stunting a prospect’s growth.

Justin Duchscherer – This Justin, probably out for the season with his grandma hip.

Jack Cust – 2-for-3 as he returns to the A’s.  He missed almost 40 games, so how long until you think he leads the club in homers?  Week and a half?  2 weeks?  If you need power, I’d grab him.  Also, everyone in OBP leagues should obviously pick him up.

Scott Hairston – Looks to be headed to the DL with the dreaded strained hamstring.  This will free up playing time for Venable and Gwynn.  Though I’m not sure that’s a good thing.

Carlos Guillen – As reported here first after reading it elsewhere, Guillen will play 2nd base when he returns next week.  Scott Sizemore is no more as he was optioned to the minors.

Brennan Boesch – Now batting .380 over 71 ABs.  Member when I effused praise, but hedged that Boesch had no playing time when Guillen returned?  Yeah, that’s old news, friend.  Boesch should play every day as long as he continues to hit.  I’d grab him in most 12 team leagues and deeper.

Max Scherzer – The Tigers weatherman called for a flurry of moves this weekend, huh?  Scherzer was sent to the minors.  If you owned him, it’s your own fault.  I couldn’t have been more vocal about why I was avoiding him this year.  At least now he’s done Pwnsoning you.  Replacing him…

Armando Galarraga – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  He’s a 4.50+ ERA pitcher with a bleh K-rate.  I’d ignore in all leagues, except AL-Only ones.

Scott Olsen – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Very respectable start against a team that is good vs. lefties and even better at home.  I’d own Olsen in the shallowest of leagues.

Tyler Clippard – 1 1/3 IP, 1 ER as he got the loss.  What a decision hog!

Willy Taveras – The Nats DFA’d, which is baseball’s acronym for “You don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here.”

Drew Storen – Called up to the majors.  Storen won’t see any saves unless there’s a total collCapps.  Not if there’s just some hicCapps.

Carlos Quentin – I don’t know what’s worst, that Quentin missed his third straight game with a stomach problem or that I was glad Quentin missed three straight.

Gavin Floyd – 6 IP, 5 ER, 11 baserunners, 4 Ks and now has a 7.00 ERA on the year.  I think change gonna come, nephew, but I wouldn’t wait for it with him on my team.  Let him correct himself on waivers.

Alex Rios – 3-for-4, and his 7th homer while he has 12 steals.  It is my belief that James Shields and Alex Rios are conspiring to drive me crazy.

Alexei Ramirez – Now 5 for his last 7.  It took him until around this time last year to get hot.  Cust kayin’.

Grady Sizemore – Should be day-to-day after he left the game with a left knee contusion.  No word on how he suffered it, but my guess is one of his fantasy baseball owners Tonya Harding’d him.

Russell Branyan – Hit his 4th homer on the year yesterday and his 3rd this week.  Trust me, I wouldn’t mention some of these guys if they weren’t worth owning immediately.  I grabbed Branyan in a few leagues last Thursday, if that helps the medicine go down.

Jake Westbrook – 9 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Before this start, he had a 23:19 K:BB rate, which is bad.  His WHIP is 1.51.  I wouldn’t own him with your team.

Luke Scott – 3-for-4, as he hit his 7th homer yesterday and his 4th homer in his last 7 games.  Another guy who is only worth owning while he’s hitting.  Currently, he’s hitting.

Brad Penny – 5 IP, 7 ER, 14 baserunners, 7 Ks.  That’s not a pretty Penny.

Jonny Gomes – 2-for-3 and batting .350 on the week.  He’s been playing every day and, even if he wasn’t, interleague is coming up so he’d play then.  (BTW, a interleague post is coming this week about guys to start and sit.)

Bronson Arroyo – 9 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. a slumping Cards team.  I’d continue to avoid Arroyo until after the All-Star Break.

Brandon Morrow – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 8 Ks.  His WHIP is hideous (1.68), but I’d grab him in leagues where you need Ks.  Right now, 54 Ks in 41 innings.  For you noobs, that’s really good.  In fact, it’s the best K-rate in the major leagues.  Yes, better than Lincecum.

Mariano Rivera – 1/3 IP, 2 ER.  Oh, Mo.  Hasn’t saved a game in May then this dreckitude.  Joba wasn’t much better in this game, but continue to hold Joba just in case Rivera’s hurt.  On an amusing side note, my grandfather’s real name is Mariano.  Not Panamanian, but Italian.  Hey, paisan!  But he hasn’t gone by Mariano since he was a kid, opting for Joe.  He says Mariano sounds too Italian, even though he has no problem wearing self-tanning lotion to “darken his complexion.”  Yes, my grandfather is C. Thomas Howell from Soul Man.

Gaby Sanchez – Went 9-for-17 this weekend, Maybin went 5-for-12 with 6 RBIs.  As I told someone in the comments this weekend, I have no idea if this is a good sign for the Marlin youngsters or a bad sign for the Mets pitching.  And that’s me paraphrasing me!

Dan Haren – 4 1/3 IP, 6 ER, 11 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Did he see his shadow and think it was after the All-Star Break?

Martin Prado – 4-for-6, 2 Runs, 3 RBIs and 2 Homers.  I wouldn’t own Prado just because of the complete lack of speed, but if you need average or Runs, that’s what Prado gives you.  Pretty yawnstipating, but he is what he is.

Troy Glaus – 3-for-5, 2 Runs, 2 RBIs as he was another guy who homered that showed up in Friday’s Buy/Sell.

Jon Niese – Left the game yesterday after getting hamstrung.

Jose Reyes – Moved back to the leadoff spot, which left a void in the heart of the lineup.  Batting 4th for the Mets?  It’s a sci-fi mystery scripted by Chris Carter.

In the first act, some creepy kid runs into frame, mumbling, “I see blown saves.”  I know Ryan Madson is a Cuddle Boy, but don’t drop him yet.  Sorry to get Biblical on you, but hast thou forgotten the wrath Brad Lidge hast broust on ye past teams?  Please.  Give Lidge a week before abandoning Madson.  Lidge is like a “1000 Dollar Car” as sung by the Bottle Rockets.  Google the lyrics if you don’t know the song but in summation, “If a $1000 car was truly worth a damn, then why would anybody ever spend ten grand?”  Let shizz shake out first before you act rash, talcum.  There’s time to drop Madson.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Evan Meek – Recorded the 3 up, 3 down save yesterday as Dotel was out sleeping with your sister.  Don’t worry, Dotel’s days of ruining your ERA and WHIP aren’t over yet.  Meek was only used because Dotel had pitched two innings the day before (beautifully, I might add).  To recap, handcuffs across the Brewers, Pirates and Rangers:  Frank-Frank, Meek, Villanueva and the guy at Subway who gives you the skeeves, in that order.  Hoffman, Dotel and Feliz, in that order, should all still be owned.

Carlos Beltran – Was fitted for a knee brace hoping it accelerates his rehab.  Here’s me putting on my stethoscope.   If a guy needs to be fitted with a knee brace to help his recovery, it’s not a good sign.  This is like trying to make a girl jealous by going to the movies with your mom.

Paul Konerko – 2-for-3 as he hit his 9th and 10th homers.  Paulie’s bonkers right now.  Truly, Paulie Walnuts.  I say he gets to 30 homers and there’s really no reason why you need to unload him.  Just think you got Adrian Gonzalez in the last round of your draft.  Open a Michelob and celebrate.

Gavin Floyd – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks.  I liked Floyd coming into this year.  Before yesterday, Nadir Bupkus looked better and he’s an imaginary hitter.  Floyd’s FIP is out of whack with his ERA as of right now.  He should continue to be better.

Carlos Quentin – Sat out Thursday and won’t play Friday with hamstring soreness.  This guy is made of paper-mache.

Alexei Ramirez – 1-for-3 and a steal.  Rudy pushed for me to put Alexei in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell, so he’ll be there.  BTW, Ozzie had him bunting with two men on and no outs and Pierre up next.  Here’s what Ozzie tweeted, “Team sucks.  Bunt guys over for the 2000 All-Stars, Andruw and Konerko.  Someone get me Andres Galarraga!  Me gusto El Gato Grande!”

Josh Hamilton – 3-for-4 and looks like he’s finally seeing the ball well.  Sure, it’s a month late, but there’s still plenty of time for him.

Justin Smoak – 2-for-4, HR.  Mentioned the other day that I slotted in Inge on a short schedule day and got two homers.  Well, on a different team I have Smoak and he’s been riding my bench since I picked him up because A) I have enough hitters. B) He hasn’t hit. C) There’s no C.  There’s rarely a C.  So yesterday with the short schedule, guess who got into my lineup?  Booyakasha!  I am a mustachioed God!

Jair Jurrjens – Left the game with a strained left hamstring.  The good news, it wasn’t his arm.  The bad news, he’s still injured, his FIP last year showed he was lucky, he doesn’t strikeout people and his arm is still a reason for concern.  Okay, so the good news and bad news aren’t exactly even.

Kris Medlen – Took the ball for three innings after Jar-Jar went down.  If Jurrjens can’t come back and Medlen gets his starts, he would be worth owning in NL-Only and deep mixed leagues.

Yunel Escobar – Yunel strained his groin trying to go big fly.  *snickers*

Chipper Jones – There’s no news about Chipper, but with the other Braves injured I figured I’d put this here as a place holder.

David Freese – 3-for-3, homer and 6 RBIs.  It’s a been awhile since I’ve talked about him, so I’ll just tell you what I said last time, “(Freese) hits .300 everywhere he goes (in the minors) and he has 20 homer power.  Before you scoff like you’re some Victorian bigwig, those numbers may not be that far off from Butler at a shallower position.”  And that’s me copying and pasting me!

Dontrelle Willis – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks as he faced a Twins team without Mauer or Morneau aka The Zombie Twins.

Kurt Suzuki – Probably headed to the DL with a strain of the intercostal.  Isn’t that the highway in Florida?  Weird!

Justin Duchscherer – Well, I tried to get everyone on board before he was injured again, but his wonky hip hit its capacity.  You can wait to hear how long he’ll miss, but I would just drop him if you’re hard-pressed for room.

Justin Morneau – Staying in the Justin genre, Morneau sat out with a sore back.  He hopes to return by today’s game.  We shall see…

John Buck – 3-for-4, 5 RBIs with 3 homers yesterday.  Buck dedicated this game to his nieces and nephew for teaching him responsibility while he was babysitting.

Luke Hochevar – 2 2/3 IP, 9 ER and now has a 6.11 ERA on the year and there’s the reason why I was so hesitant to endorse him.  Sometimes he can be absolutely miserable.

Brian Matusz – 6 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Not a bad start at all considering the Orioles vs. Yankees looked like the Lambda Lambda Lambda’s vs. the Alpha Beta’s.

Robinson Cano – 2 more homers as he now bats .407.  We better put Ted Williams’ head out on the counter now, because things are never right when you defrost in the microwave.

A.J. Burnett – 8 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks.  I own Burnett in a few leagues, so I’m more than happy with his year so far, but where’s the Ks?  He now has 33 1/3 innings and only 20 Ks.

Everth Cabrera – EverCab has been dealing with a hamstring strain for days and trying to avoid the DL.  At one point, Kyle Blanks volunteered to put him in a Baby Bjorn and play short.  Alas, EverCab to the 15-day DL.

Ted Lilly – 5 IP, 6 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks in his last rehab start.

Mark Reynolds – 0-for-3 as the Diamondbacks scored 13 runs.  Ticker tease!

Adam LaRoche – 3-for-4, 5 RBIs with two homers.  How dare you show up Kelly Johnson!  Rudy had much love for Ad. LaRoche going into this year, saying that he might’ve started cold in past years because, well, he was cold.  As in he needed mittens.  In Arizona, that could change everything.  So far, Rudy’s looking like he might’ve been onto something even if this game was in Chicago.

Ian Kennedy – 8 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Was only hurt by a grand slam to Fukudome, but that is sorta Kennedy’s M.O.  Still ownable and startable and yadda², but he gives up homers.

Kelly Johnson – 4-for-5, 3 RBIs, 1 Run, 1 Life-Threatening Disease Cured and a homer.  After he hit his homer, I went into the comments and wrote something giddy and after I posted it I realized something.  After I comment when I’m happy, my picture looks like I’m smiling.  After I comment when I’m upset, my picture looks like I’m frowning.  I’m Mona Lisa!

Adam Jones is not on a great team.  He’s not hitting well.  Not to be blunt, but he doesn’t even look like he’s getting stoned anymore in his ESPN profile pic.  SOS to Adam Jones, it’s past 4:20, cuz.  Grab some Crunk Juice and be fire.  Right now, his BABIP, line drive rate, home run rate and walk rate are all way off.  Bundle some non-investment-grade triple-B bonds make it seem like a triple-A tranche and trade them for Adam Jones.  I.e. Add’em Jones.  I.e., Make it rain for Adam Jones.  I.e. Except After C.  Jones won’t be terrible forever.  Get in before everyone on your street owns an Adam Jones and then you just seem like a follower.  You have my money back guarantee.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Alex Gonzalez – He will bat around .230 by the end of the year.  He adds the U C to sucks.  He needs a new neckerchief he has so many Demerit Badges, but he’s currently hitting, so there’s that.

Chris Coghlan – I don’t even like this schmohawk, but he’s not this bad.  You might be able to pull him away from a panicky owner with a past the due date Pink Sno Ball.

Mike Pelfrey – Here’s what I said the other day, “His K-rate prior to 2010 was pretty poor.  Even this year, it’s only a little above his career mark.  His biggest adjustment so far seems to be his ability to avoid the homer ball and leave men on base.  He won’t continue to leave men on base, but he can maintain his small strikeout and homer gains. You’re not looking at a total breakout, but he can be usable as a 4th fantasy starter, especially in Metco.”  And that’s me quoting me!  I’ll also add to buy him while his sinker is keeping bats off the Pelfrey.  Oofa!

Justin Duchscherer – I figured this guy was owned everywhere, then I see he’s only owned in 11% of ESPN leagues.  This just in, Duchscherer worth owning.

Jon Lester – If he doesn’t bounce back this week, he’ll probably have the lead-in of the Buy section next Friday.  Go and get Lester now!

Cameron Maybin – Contributing steals, runs and average in the leadoff spot.  Some power could come soon.  That’s so Maybin!

Mike Napoli – In the beginning of the year, Napoli got plutoed.  You’re a planet, you’re a planet, you’re getting declassified and catching batting practice.  So you dropped Crapoli already three times this year and now you’re having a hard time keeping down empty at-bats from Clement.  You’re thinking maybe it was better to have a DNP from Napoli than a DP/DS (Did Play/Did Suck) from Clement.  Well, it’s your catching scab and it’s choice to pick it.  Napoli’s playing again.  For now.  Will Scioscia find a way to screw you over again?  Prolly.

Ike Davis – The other day, I dedicated a roundup lead to Ike Davis.  He’s probably not that much better than Daniel Murphy.  That’s an insult for those not familiar with the Murphy oeuvre.  But if Davis hits, everyone will jump on the Davis and then you can flip him.  Hey, it’s the rookie trampoline.  Jump on them, them flip them but if you stay on it too long, you’ll fall and hurt yourself.

Justin Smoak – Scroll down to this morning’s post or click here.  Your choice.

Jeremy Hermida – The Random Outfielder Off Waivers That Is Currently Hitting Homers That May Not Be Hitting Homers In A Week.  Or ROOWTICHHTMNBHHIAW for those who find acronyms easier to remember.

Carlos Quentin – Early in the year I made a crack that he was like Robert De Niro in Awakenings.  Then he did nothing for two weeks and I started to think someone should stick a fork in Quentin to make sure he’s still alive.  Then I looked at his numbers.  He’s been unlucky.  Change gonna come, nephew.  It takes alligator blood to check raise to the bettor and go after a hitter that isn’t doing anything, but Quentin should get better.

Julio Borbon -  Take the Borbon off the shelf!

Juan Gutierrez – Gutierrez might be that pitcher you pickup only to watch him destroy your ERA and WHIP, then drop him only to watch him pitch well in the next game, then pick him up again³.  Or maybe that’s me.  I have a problem!

Brett Cecil – Besides having a name that sounds like a 1970′s pinup, Cecil has strikeout stuff, but was a bit wild last year.  Though that might’ve been an aberration because earlier in his minor league career his control was pretty sound.  I’d avoid outside of AL-Only leagues for now.

Alex Gordon – Every time I see Alex Gordon on waivers, I sing to myself, “Shooting at the walls of heartache… Bang, bang!”  I’m not sure if I’m the warrior, Patty Smyth or a fool for picking up Alex Gordon.

SELL

Scott Podsednik – Member that Nike commercial “I am Tiger Woods.”  Someone should do that commercial but use only super shady guys that look like they just stepped out of a peep show.  Scruffy looking guy with a trench coat, “I am Tiger Woods.”  Gary Glitter, “I am Tiger Woods.”  Pee Wee Herman, “I am Tiger Woods.”  That would be awesome.  Anyhoo, a fantasy baseball version of that commercial would be:  Nyjer Morgan, “I am Scott Podsednik.”  Michael Bourn, “I am Scott Podsednik.”  Rajai Davis, “I am Scott Podsednik.”  Don’t get caught up in overrating Podsednik because he’s hitting well and getting some hot lady action.

Austin Jackson – Leading the Major Leagues with 24 strikeouts; Mark Reynolds has 17.  Zoinks!  Austin Jackson’s days of hitting .300 won’t be long.

Vernon Wells – Tied for the league lead in homers with Nelson Cruz and Matt Kemp.  Right behind him, Pujols and Utley.  This could be a test to make sure you can move from 1st to 2nd grade.  Which name doesn’t fit?

Max Scherzer – A K/9 of 5.29, nearly 80% of men left on, an ERA of 2.12, a FIP of 4.62… You haven’t escaped, you’re dragging your feet on the inevitable.  A’la Ray Walston in Robert Altman’s Popeye, “Your pappy was a dragger and you’re a dragger.”

How dare you.  How dare you make me write a Buy for Jay Bruce.  Did you forget all our pre-draft love?  It’s less than two weeks into the season.  People need to chillax.  Here’s what Jay Bruce had to say to all his naysayers.  Jay Bruce could hit 7 homers in April.  Still.   Before he goes streaking, go to Marshall’s and buy him some pants.  You owe him that.  Bruce is one of those guys that I wish would slump for another two weeks, so I can trade for him even cheaper.  I will Mola Ram the Bruce right out of your team’s chest.  Then I will grab a fart and Nolan Ryan it right into your skull Robin Ventura-style.  As I cackle.  I will cackle loudly.  Hold Bruce, covet Bruce.  Don’t give up on Bruce.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

Psyche!  Before we jump into the players, I need to make an announcement.  Our very own Rudy Gamble is getting married in a few weeks.  Sorry our three lady readers, the fro’s off the market.  So this weekend we’re in Vegas for his bachelor party and I’m his best man.  Yes, I got him a blow up doll to carry and a uber-realistic vulva skullcap to wear all weekend.  But that means I won’t be as close to a computer to answer comments until Sunday.  You guys need to help each other.  I know you can.  Make me proud.  Anyway II, here’s the post:

BUY

Jose Guillen – His last three Aprils –>  199 ABs  –> 25/7/25/.211.  –> Belch.  This April his burps smell like he just chugged some rose water.  I don’t think in October we’re going to have conversations about whether we can give Guillen an MVP even though the Royals lost a 100 games, but 30 HRs and a .280 average aren’t out of the question.  Also known as, what you were hoping to get from Ludwick.

Jeff Francoeur – He’s only 26, he’s taking walks and Frenchy’s hitting freedom flies.

Krispie Young – Also 26 years old, also taking walks (okay, only 2 as of this writing) and hitting Krispie flies.

Magglio Ordonez – Getting hits like he just dropped his debut album, Maggystyle.  She want the Maggy with the biggest cuts, and guess what?  He is Mags, and Mags is him.  Alas, I’m fully expecting him to start sucking soon.  Could’ve easily been in the Sell section, but really who’s buying this schmohawk.  Make a record of his label, “Own While Hitting.”

Josh Willingham – Went over him in last week’s Buy/Sell.  All Buy/Sells are located on the left sidebar.  No, your other left.

Seth Smith – Doesn’t his name seem like it should be the name for an unknown corpse?  Coincidentally, that’s how well he’s hitting too.  He’s worth a chance in deep leagues while he has every day time.

Scott Podsednik – It’s like this Buy post just hopped out of the hot tub time machine.  Who’s next, Kevin Gregg? Aw, geez…

Kevin Gregg – Here’s the thing with closers and, frankly, I’d write this on my forehead.  If guys are getting saves, you should own them.  In two months, if Gregg has 15 saves and still rocking a solid ERA, you can trade him for a much bigger piece than you’re getting off of waivers.  Wow, guess that’s a lot to write on your forehead.  How about you just write “SAGNOF!”

Fernando Rodney – Member what I wrote back in the Gregg blurb?  It still applies.

Jim Johnson – Same shizz, different blurb.

Jensen Lewis – A familiar pattern has emerged and here comes a filial pattern.

Ty Wigginton – Hey, it’s Casey McGehee Sr.

Casey McGehee – What’s up, Dad?!

Ryan Theriot – It’s me, your cousin.  Ryan.  Ryan Theriot.  The one with speed.  Oh, well.

Alcides Escobar – People really need to give this guy a bit more time.  The steals can come in a hurry.

Carl Pavano – I’d like to say he’s crizzap just as much as you, but his walk rate has me ignoring my past prejudices.   Is he the rebirth of slick?  Nah, Doodlebug.  But sometimes stability’s cool like dat.

Justin Masterson – Already went over him numerous times in the last few days.  You’re following along.  I don’t need to say anything else, right?

Justin Duchscherer – Total Bennis Carpensheeter.  His career numbers over 439 2/3 innings are a 3.15 ERA and 1.12 WHIP.  Why’s he owned in only 4.2% of ESPN leagues?  Your guess = My guess.

Brad Penny – Duncan just pulled a Penny from behind your ear.  Abracadabra, snitches!

C.J. Wilson – Ceej has always sported a nice K-rate.  Not crazy about Texas pitchers, but I’d give him a shot in the right matchups.  (Yes, I called him Ceej.  Yes, that’s lame.)

Ricky Romero – I really hate AL East pitchers not named… Well, you know the ones I like.  Here’s what happens, you don’t start Romero vs. the Sawx and he pitches well.  Then he faces the Orioles and they manage to hit him.  Then he throws against the Yankees and you second guess benching him and he gets hit again.  Before you know it you’re writing mission statements, getting fired, flipping out, taking a goldfish and a single mom to start your own business.  Only you’re not half as handsome as Tom Cruise, don’t know the first thing about business and the single mom has an ex with a neck tattoo who likes to booze with breakfast.

SELL

Scott Sizemore – This isn’t a sell as much as a time to move on.  It was a nice try for some *pinkie to mouth* upsize.  But it’s not working.  Let him figure out how to hit major league pitching on someone else’s dime.  If he starts hitting at some point, he’ll be out there for your grabby hands.

Sean Rodriguez – He needs to play every day and actually hit to warrant ownership.  I’ve lost him in numerous leagues.  To warn you though, I will be the first to say grab him if he does start hitting.  For now, go with a hot hitting MI.

Fausto Carmona – Name the movie:  “I can’t believe you fell for the oldest trick in the book!  What a goof.  What’s with you man?  C’mon!”  Using Google is officially cheating.

Chris Carpenter – I know, blasphemy!  Everyone loves Carpenter.  He’s a grinder.  He is blue collar.  I am, Carpenter.  Rawr!  Get away from me documentary filmmakers, I’m eating dolphin babies.  I am, Carpenter.  Yeah, it’s all terrific.  He has a pretty lengthy track record of solid pitching.  His injury track record is as lengthy.  I say there’s a 50% chance of a breakdown this year.  His strikeouts are just okay.  I’m not saying sell him for an expired Capri Sun coupon, but I’d listen to offers.