Fantasy Baseball Advice

In case you were on a three day bender with Michael Madsen, Troy Tulowitzki will miss up to 8 weeks with a broken wrist.  It’s old news by now, but sometimes you just wanna know what Grey has to say.  Hey, hey, hey.  Wrists are tricky things for hitters.  I wouldn’t be surprised if Tulo returns in August and doesn’t start hitting well until September.  If you own him, there’s nothing you can do but sit on him.  Not literally, unless you have his permission.  I wouldn’t trade for him, unless it’s a keeper and you’re rebuilding for next year and can get him for cheap now that he’s out.  The Rockies called up Chris Nelson, but he just looks like infielder depth while SS and 2nd base get manned by Clint Barmes and Jonathan Herrera, who sounds like a fashion designer, so if you hear someone say, “Nice glove work by Jonathan Herrera!”  You tell them it’s a knockoff.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Manny Corpas – 0 IP, 5 ER.  Corpas Christi!  The last two days this guy left my ratios looking like a Port Authority toilet.  Huston Street gets activated on Tuesday, but Tracy says he’s going to ease Street back into role.  Since I own Corpas and not Street on several teams, I’m not sure if I want Street to become the closer sooner or later.  Also, for Street owners, if Tracy doesn’t get Street back into the role in short order, he may end up injured again before recording a save.  Cust kayin’.

Mike Stanton – 1-for-4 with a steal and 2 Ks.  Has 19 Ks in 11 games while batting .233.  He will be every bit the mollywhopping, pony stick waving phenom that he was billed, but there is obviously going to be some strikeout/average growing pains, Mike Seaver.

Gaby Sanchez – 2-for-4, hitting .320 over the last week and .290 on the year.  He’s walking that line between yawnstipating in mixed leagues and a very valuable NL-Only corner man.

Josh Johnson – 8 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Now has an ERA of 1.80.  If it wasn’t for Ubaldo’s silly season thus far, all eyes would be on Josh Johnson.  He has a lower WHIP and FIP than Ubaldo and a higher K/9.  Yes, I’m doing my best to point out Johnson has been better than Ubaldo.  Too bad only Keith Law will vote for him.

Hanley Ramirez – Sat out due to a sore hamstring.  Or as they call it in the Marlins’ clubhouse, “An excuse to not hustle.”

Jake Arrieta – 3 IP, 5 ER, 8 baserunners, 0 Ks as he roofied his owners.

Kris Medlen – It’s looking promising for Medlen to stay in the rotation and Kawakami to move to the bullpen.  Booyakami!

Carl Pavano – 9 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 2 Ks as he beat Roy Halladay (8 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners, 8 Ks)  In related news, water is dry.

Chase Utley – 6 for his last 14 with a homer and 7 RBIs since he denied that his knee was bothering him as Davey Lopes said.  The charge that his knee was hurting him may have sparked him to prove the naysayers nay.  Here’s how I think it went down.  Manuel knew that if a coach said Utley had a knee injury, Utley’s pomade would get all bent out of shape and start hitting, so Lopes jumped on the grenade.  Either that or Lopes is a jackoff.

Matt Holliday – 2 homers and four in his last 3 games.  When I saw his recent outburst, the first thing I did was look to see when he started hitting last year.  It was around mid-July.  So you drafted him in the 2nd round this year and he didn’t start hitting for another three weeks last year.  Seems like you owe Holliday an apology.

Kevin Kouzmanoff – 4-for-4 with his 7th homer.  Another Billy Beane success story!  Too bad he’s surrounded by Ryan Sweeney, Daric “Don’t Call Me Clara” Barton, Adam “Don’t Call Me Adam Rosales” Rosales and Landon “Not Quite As Good As Landon from the RR/RW Challenge” Powell.

Jason Bourgeois – Was called up by the Astros.  Not a fresh name at 28-years-old, but Bourgeois has the means of production to steal bases like a pig.  But he may not get the at-bats to do it yet since he’ll have to fill-in and work many jobs as the utility outfielder.  How proletariat of him.

Jason Castro – Was also called up by the Astros.  Yesterday, Ed Wade’s toupee said, “You know what this club is missing?  More Jasons!”  Seems like Castro is being rushed.  In Triple-A, he had a .278 average and 4 homers since May 1st.  In other words, we’re probably a year away from renaming the club, the Houston Castros.  In keeper NL-Only leagues, I could see sitting on him if you’re not getting any catcher production, since Castro will be the starter.  Oh, and now that Castro and Bourgeois are called up the same day, Pence may have to put his last name in a kitty to be divided up equally.

Chris Johnson – Finally, the most interesting name of the recent fresh-faced Astros.  Since May 8th when he was activated from the DL, he hit .329 with 8 homers.  He’ll supplant Peter Happy for the majority of the playing time at 3rd base, but not all of it yet.  I’d wait and see in mixed leagues, but in NL-Only leagues I’d grab him and hope he blows Happy’s production out of the water and becomes the every day starter.

Felipe Paulino – 6 IP, 2 ER, 12 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Only two walks, which is nice, but he’s so unpredictable it makes it hard to recommend him in mixed leagues.  For NL-Only, he’s a difference maker type guy.

Brett Anderson – He’s due back after the All-Star break, if there’s no setbacks.  That “if” has its own zip code.

Carlos Zambrano – 7 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Now has back-to-back solid starts after Piniella tried to self-sabotage his team with the failed bullpen experiment.  If Big Z’s on your waivers, I’d give him a shot in certain 12 team mixed leagues and deeper.

Brian Fuentes – 2/3 IP, 3 ER.  Kazaam!

Justin Masterson – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks.  He gets the Reds next.  My crystal ball says he’ll strikeout 10 and only give up 1 earned run…. Or he’ll give up 8 earned and be removed in the 3rd inning.  I should’ve sprung for the crystal ball that narrows choices down to one.

Carlos Santana – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer.  Buster Posey who?

Pedro Alvarez – 0-for-3 and batting .063 so far.  Pedro Alvarez who?  Really early to be writing him off, I’d give him another week in mixed leagues.  If you can, give him the week on your bench.  To the bench, Smashbuckler!

J.J. Putz – Picked up the save due to Jenks feeling jenky and Matt Thornton pitching in the 8th.  Guillen said Jenks will be fine, but you can grab Putz (hehe) or Thornton, if you’re really hurting for saves.

Billy Wagner – Got his 14th save.  I usually don’t mention closers unless they’re losing their job, but Wagner’s looking like a $12 Salad.  In 29 1/3 innings, 5-0/1.23/0.99/43.  Pretty incredible year so far.

Jonathan Sanchez – 2 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks as he tied his owners to the WHIPping post.  Hopefully, he straightens himself out quickly because I own him in every league.  Yes, this is about me.

Aubrey Huff – Hit his 12th homer.  Meanwhile, Pat Burrell hit his 3rd.  I’m sure this is not the first time they hit four-baggers on the same day.

John Maine – Looks like the Mets will shut him down.  Too bad, so sad.

Max Scherzer – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Now three starts away from his last shelling, and 5 of 6 solid starts since he returned.  Right now, he looks about as safe as he’s going to look.

Rick Porcello – Sent to Triple-A Toledo as the Tigers hope for a repeat of their Scherzer demotion magic.  If they can fix whatever ails Porcello, pitchers from all over may take a pilgrimage to bathe in that holy Toledo water.

Julio Borbon – 4-for-5 from the leadoff spot.  That is all.  Literally.  No steals.  I do think the training wheels come off him and he starts taking some extra bases.

Josh Hamilton – 5-for-6, now batting .337 on the year with 16 homers.  Man, I stepped in a big pile of juju with this guy.  Let me now apologize for ragging on you, Hamilton, for the last two years.  Maybe we can go get an O’Doul’s some time.  My treat.

Ian Kinsler – 2-for-4 and two steals before Davey Lopes can say anything about his ankle.

Alex Rodriguez – Him and Posada will probably miss a few games this week with no DH at the Yankees’ disposal.  How awesome would it be if Kevin Russo shows up at the LA game with Kate Hudson on his arm?

Mark Teixeira – 1-for-3, 4 RBIs with a homer in his 2nd game in a row.  Looks like Tex called up his July talent a week early and will risk losing it to arbitration a year early.

Ozzie Guillen said Jake Peavy “has some things with his arm.”  You know how know-it-alls put (sic) to indicate the quote’s error is not the transcriber’s error?  They should adopt this for major league managers.  “Has some things with his arm (Ozzie).” “Mathis just knows how to play the game BETTER! (Scioscia)”  “That’s not old school, that’s good school.  That’s the way you play the game unless you want to put some rouge and makeup and lipstick on. (Manuel)”  So Peavy has some things with his arm.  Yeah, that’s not a good sign.  That’s like my friend who was trying to sell me a car.  “It just hasn’t been started in over a year.”  I put Peavy in the “Avoid” tier in the preseason because he’s been too injured the last few seasons.  What’s he now?  Injured.  Thank you, your Honor.  I rest my case.  I’d look to sell Peavy.  Unfortunately, no one’s buying him.  Right now, the Sox are only talking about moving his next start, but it’s not a good sign either way.  Or eithurrrr if Mystikal’s reading to you.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Chris Resop – Off to the DL.  The Disgraceful List is when a player’s DL’d for sucking.  But what’s it called when the player forces a team to promote them due to a contract issue and then is DL’d because the club just doesn’t want the player?  Disagreement List?  Disaccord List?  Dis Team Has No Room For You List?

Shelley Duncan – Hit his 2nd homer in two games.  Unfortunate for anyone who had to high five him afterwards.

Tommy Hunter – Left the game with some hip flexor discomfort.  Pretty sneaky of Coghlan to step up to the plate with “The Twist” playing.

Julio Borbon – 2-for-4 with his 1st homer, now batting .285 to Andrus’ .288.  Give him the green light!

Brandon Wood – 1-for-3 as he played shortstop for Izturis, who went to the DL with a strained forearm.  If Wood hits and if he gets shortstop eligibility and one more if you’ll have a full house.  If’s over and’s.

Jon Niese – 7 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Looks like Niese has put his feud with Heather B completely behind him.  He’s pitching well and he has home games in Metco yadda³, I’d grab him.

Fred Lewis – 4-for-5 with his 5th steal as Jose Bautista sat.  The Bautista who is hitting .194 with 5 homers since I said you should sell him a month ago.  In April, Bautista had 4 homers.  In May, he hit 12 homers.  In June, he has 2 homers.  You tell me which month looks off.  Oh, and sorry to Fred Lewis for hogging his blurb with Bautista info.

Ricky Romero – 6 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks and a 3.08 ERA on the year.  I don’t want to lose people with K/9 or anything so here… Romero has 96 Ks in 96 1/3 innings.  Thing.  Of.  Beauty.  Yes, I brought out the douchey one word sentences for emphasis.

John Buck – 2-for-4 with his 12th homer.  BUCK!

Scott Baker – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 12 Ks.  A Baker’s dozen!  Wait, that’s not right.  Eh, whatever.  Baker just about reached the point where I was going to tell people to lose him everywhere so he really needed this start.  I don’t think he’s completely out of the woods, but he’s in a better place than he was after his last start.

Joe Mauer – 0-for-3, hitting .311 with 2 homers on the year.  Cust kayin’.

Jaime Garcia – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks.  First time in a while his line looks like he should have got the Win and what happens?  Gets the loss for the first time since May 8th.  It’s the chutzpah of Wins.

Brennan Boesch – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs, his 9th homer as he bats .344 on the year.  Who’s been more valuable, Boesch or Holliday?  Yup.

Don Kelly – 0-for-4, ye of a .217 average and .276 OBP hit leadoff.  Your internal monologue, “Why, Grey, I do not understand?”  Because Kelly played center and Leyland only has one lineup card.

Jose Tabata – Hit his first major league homer yesterday.  I’m fingercuffed to him and it feels so good.  Then not good.  Then good again.

Matt Lindstrom – Got the save.  Guess his back is, um, back.  Lyon hasn’t been bad so I’m holding him for now where I have room.

David DeJesus – 10 for his last 13.  For DeJesus’ next trick, he’s going to walk on water.  The downside is there isn’t much upside.

Mike Leake – 6 IP, 5 ER, 12 baserunners, 4 Ks.  About three weeks ago, I was saying he was going to fall back to earth then for the last two weeks after that I’ve been reminding you that I was saying Leake was going to fall back to earth three weeks ago.  I don’t think he’s all the way back to earth yet either.

Manny Ramirez – 3rd homer in his last seven games and 2nd homer in last two games.  After the homer, he got back in the dugout and Casey Blake iced him.

Clayton Kershaw – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 Ks, 8 baserunners, but only 1 walk.  Look at Kershaw only walking three hitters in his last two starts.  Oh, and he has 97 Ks in 85 IP.  Nasty.

Livan Hernandez – 6 2/3 IP, 8 ER, 13 baserunners, 2 Ks.  What did this fat guy who can only throw 82 MPH do with the other fat guy who can only throw 82 MPH?

Aubrey Huff – 3-for-4 with his 4th homer in the last six games.  Keeps going like this and he may get a “Huffing Along” post title.

Tim Lincecum – 6 IP, 2 ER, 12 baserunners, 10 Ks.  Was hit by a comebacker and removed from the game.  Lincecum should be fine for his next start.  In a weird voodoo doll-type way, when Lincecum was hit, k.d. lang said, “Ouch.”

Pablo Sandoval – Giants trainer said Sandoval needs to be more disciplined about his eating habits.  Earth to ESPN, this is a reality show!  Watch Kung Fu Panda go to the beach and refuse to take off his shirt.  Watch as Kung Fu Panda says no to Kung Pao Chicken and yes to calisthenics.  Watch Kung Fu Panda go shopping for clothes.  “No, Renteria, I can’t fit into these Dockers.  I’m bloated!”

The 27-year-old, no-name rookie, Daniel Nava, came out of nowhere, hitting a grand slam on the first major league pitch he saw.  This all came after not making his college team, working as their equipment manager, finally playing college ball, going undrafted in the major league draft then being cut by the Chico Outlaws, which I believe is the minor league affiliate for Chico’s Bail Bonds.  Even his ESPN player photo makes it seem like he was in the Witness Protection Program.  Shoot, maybe he is.  If so, I hope Hermida starts his car for him.  Eventually, Nava caught on with the Outlaws, impressed the Sawx and the rest is history.  Nava is old for a rookie and his success at the majors may be short-lived, but he showed a good eye in the minors with modest pop.  He could be a flash-in-the-pan, but he’s worth grabbing in AL-Only leagues and monitoring in mixed leagues.  He may get bumped when Ellsbury returns and then it’s back to egg noodles and ketchup.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Josh Beckett – Played catch from 90 feet.  Guess when he returns he’s going to pitch from 2nd base.

Stephen Strasburg – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners (5 BBs), 8 Ks.  Gave up only 2 hits, one of them was him getting Pronk’d in the 2nd inning.  As I’ve been saying, his hype is over his value right now.  On a related note, I wonder what the Nats TV ratings look like when Strasburg leaves the game.  Probably a similar ratings plunge to when LC left The Hills.  Who are you, Kristin Cavallari?  I know Heidi Montag.  I know Brody Jenner.  I even know Justin Bobby.  I do not know, Kristin Cavallari.

Austin Jackson – Left the game with back spasms.  Could be a few days of no action Jackson.

Troy Tulowitzki – Out with a strained groin.  Or as they call in the Tulo household, a strained pipski.  Could be back by Tuesday.

Edinson Volquez – Barring any setbacks or an effective test for HGH, Volquez should be back just after the All-Star Break.  Definitely worth stashing if you have DL room.

Zack Greinke – 9 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 12 Ks and zero opportunities for the Royals bullpen to screw things up.

Joey Votto – 2-for-4 with 2 homers.  Now has 13 homers and 7 steals while batting .306.  Having exactly the kind of season you’d want from him and he hasn’t even had any prolonged hot streaks.  He’s going to be a good one for a long time.

Billy Butler – 4-for-5 with his 6th homer.  Or 3 homers per moob.

Garrett Jones – 2-for-4 and his 2nd homer in two games.  In the preseason, I told you to skip Butler and grab Robot Jones later on.  Right now, Robot has 10 homers and 5 steals while batting .274.  Since Butler couldn’t steal 5 bases in a slow pitch softball league, Jones has been more valuable, even if Butler has the bigger name recognition.

Raul Ibanez – Homer yesterday and now hitting .350 over the last week.  Ibanez, “Hello, Corner, I think I’m going to turn you.”  Corner, “About time.”

Jake Fox – Designated for assignment.  I don’t know what I’m going to do with all of these “Unathletic like a Fox” shirts.

Jorge Posada – Two games, two grand slams as the Yankees scored 22 runs in their three game sweep of the Astros.  Now the Orioles and the Astros have something to talk about on their date.

Delmon Young – 1-for-3 with his 8th homer and 3rd in the last week.  It feels like forever and 3 days ago when Young was a big-time prospect, but he’s still only 24 years old.  Grab while hot.

Kevin Slowey – 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Hey, Slowey, here’s a crazy thought, instead of giving up hits to everyone, how about you walk a few people?

Kris Medlen – 8 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Still hasn’t touched 100 pitches in a game, but has now thrown 5 solid starts in his last six.  Really should be owned everywhere…. Actually should’ve been owned for the last month.

Troy Glaus – 4-for-5, 2 homers.  I get the feeling people are waiting for the other shoe to drop with Glaus, but the only thing that really stood in his way was his health.  If he’s healthy, there’s no reason why he can’t hit 30 homers and .260.  Playing first could be the answer to his health woes.  Hey, maybe the Braves can let Glass Chipper simultaneously play first too.  It’s the WebMD defensive shift.

Tyler Colvin – 0-for-3.  Piniella said he wants to play Colvin more.  Steve Stone said, “Yeah, I thought so.”

Ted Lilly – 8 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Took a no-hitter into the 9th inning as Cubs fans’ brains were clouded with Pappas & beer.  Unfortunately, Pierre pulled a Joyce and singled up the middle.  Lilly has been terrific since he’s returned from the DL.  Hopefully, that jinxes him because I don’t own him anywhere.

Gavin Floyd – 8 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks.  He was mentioned in the post of pitchers who should be better.  Hey, look at that.  He was.

Alcides Escobar – Wait a second… Are my eyes seeing right?  Alcides Escobar has stolen a base in each of the last two games.  Do you believe in miracles?!  Yes!

Prince Fielder – 2 homers, supposedly.  I think it was Corey Hart wearing a Professor Klump Halloween costume.

Colby Lewis – 8 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 10 Ks as he wowed the crowd in this heated Brewers/Rangers rivalry.  Interleague fail.

Josh Hamilton – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 15th home run.  Owning Hamilton is like holding your breath for 6 months.  Honestly, I’ve been trying not to talk too much about Hamilton this year because I own him on more teams than I want to admit and I don’t want to jinx him.  Just give me 500 ABs, Hamilton.  Please.

Julio Borbon – 2-for-5 while hitting 2nd and batting .500 over the last week.  He’s not racking up the steals, but he could steal 4 bases in a game any day now and be off and running.  Literally.

Mike Stanton – 2-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 2nd steal.  I think he could be a fantasy first rounder as soon as 2012.  This guy is ridiculously huge and he has speed.  He’s so big the television cameras film him at the plate like Al from The Naked Gun.  You know, the guy who’s head is out of the frame.

Sean Rodriguez – 3-for-3, 2 steals after appearing in Friday’s Buy/Sell, but you knew that already because you read the site.

Jeff Niemann – 6 IP, 5 ER.  Mmm… Sweet, sweet regression.

Jeff Suppan – Signed on with the Cardinals as Dave Duncan takes on his toughest challenge yet.

Chad Qualls – 1/3 IP, 2 ER.  Someone put him out of his misery.  Or put him in Misery by tying him to a bed and breaking his ankles.

Krispie Young – 3-for-5 and 2 Krispie flies.  Now has 12 homers on the year while hitting a respectable (for him) .277.  According to ESPN’s Player Rater, he’s had top 15 value for all outfielders so far.  I could see him putting it together and walking away with a 30/30 season.

Aubrey Huff – 2-for-4, 2 homers, batting .303 with 10 homers on the year.  Looking like a poor man’s Glaus a.k.a. matte.

Ryan Spilborghs – 3-for-5, 2 homers, hitting almost .700 over the last week as Seth Smith loses time even against righties.  Maybe Seth Smith slept with the Rockie manager’s daughter, Tracy Tracy.

Scott Olsen went 7 1/3 innings, giving up 1 ER and registering 8 Ks, while taking a no-hitter into the 8th inning.  Olsen, “Hello, Corner, I think I’m going to turn you.”  Corner, “Go for it.”  Looks like Olsen has been able to use his changeup more effectively this year and rely less on the fastball.  Olsen, “Fastball, you’re my woobie, I think I need to move on.”  Fastball, “But where were they going without ever knowing the way?”  Olsen, “Sorry, think I dialed the wrong Fastball.”  I get worried about putting faith in Nationals pitchers not named, That Kid In Triple-A, but I could see taking a flier on Olsen in 12 team mixed leagues and deeper.  At one time, Olsen wasn’t just some random Nats pitcher, he was a top Marlin prospect.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Lance Berkman – Fat Elvis says he’d leave the building if the Astros wanted him to.  He’d agree to leave the Astros?  That’s just crazy.  Cray-zee.

Wandy Rodriguez – 3 2/3 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks.  And the Wandwagon is back off the tracks.  Hopefully, it’s not back spasms.  He had three okay starts prior to this, so you gotta wait it out.  Well, you don’t have to, but that’s my suggestion.

Kelly Johnson – 2-for-4 as he hit his 10th homer.  Nothing says I love you like a Johnson going deep.  Hmm… Could’ve reworded that.

Dan Haren – 9 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 9 Ks.  I just thought of the perfect trade.  You trade Haren in July for Teixeira.  Am I right?  Or am I right-right?

Kila Ka’aihue – 1-for-1 with an RBI.  I know, you’re thinking he got 5 ABs and shot four BBs.  No, he pinch hit.  Here’s an idea, put Guillen in the outfield and sit the .118 batting, Dishonorable Willie Bloomquist, not that I’m judging.

Vladimir Guerrero – 2 HRs, 4 RBIs. I’m enjoying owning Vlad this season.  That is all.

Justin Smoak – 1-for-4, and his third homer.  Ignore the .196 average.  He has 8 walks and 9 Ks.  The Smoak will rise.

Julio Borbon – 0-for-4 as the Rangers scored 13.  Ticker tease!  Wait, actually, ticker season.

Randy Wells – 2 IP, 6 ER, 8 baserunners, 1 K.  After the game, the Fangraphs Database had this to say, “That’s payback for having a FIP higher than your ERA last year.  Muahahahaha…”  What an evil database.

Nate Schierholtz – 3-for-3, homer and a steal.  He won’t kill you on average, but he’s also not going to wow your socks off with his power or speed.  Decent roster filler for NL-Only leagues, but that’s about it as of right now.

Edgar Renteria – Headed to the 15-day DL.  Member the first week of the season when you wanted to add this schmohawk?  Ah, yeah, those were the days.

John Ely – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Solid command and groundball stuff, though nothing really overpowering.  I’d look at him in NL-Only leagues for now.

Mike Napoli – Hit his first homer of the year.  After the game, Scioscia said, “Mathis would’ve hit two.”

Roy Halladay – 7 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 9 Ks and now has a 1.45 ERA and a 6-1 record.  But can he give birth to kittens?  Well?  Didn’t think so.

Raul Ibanez – Hit a homer and now has hits in 7 of 8 games.  Sure, he’s only had one hit in most of those games, but the glass half full here, c’mon.

Cameron Maybin – Sat yesterday and may not be long for everyday at-bats.  On high alert:  Mike Stanton.

Dana Eveland – 7 IP, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Dana has 16 Ks and 17 walks on the year.  Ignore him (her?).

Gordon Beckham – 0-for-4 as he looks more like Gordon Shumway.

Alfredo Simon – Third save without allowing an earned run.  ‘fredo can handle things!  He’s smart!

Ty Wigginton – 2-for-4, and his 10th homer.  Can we get Adam Jones to use Wigginton’s bat?

Koji Uehara – He’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell.  How will I ever do without my Koji Uehara news?! Was that sarcastic, random italicized voice?  Yup.

Michael Saunders – In the wake of Milton Bradley’s case of the Mondays, Saunders was recalled.  He’s a poor man’s Big FraGu.  Some power, some speed, some AL-Only league fodder.

Eric Byrnes – Decided to hang up his dignity and join a recreational softball league.  I figured if anyone were to retire to a sport with beer in the dugout it would’ve been Miguel Cabrera.

Adam Jones is not on a great team.  He’s not hitting well.  Not to be blunt, but he doesn’t even look like he’s getting stoned anymore in his ESPN profile pic.  SOS to Adam Jones, it’s past 4:20, cuz.  Grab some Crunk Juice and be fire.  Right now, his BABIP, line drive rate, home run rate and walk rate are all way off.  Bundle some non-investment-grade triple-B bonds make it seem like a triple-A tranche and trade them for Adam Jones.  I.e. Add’em Jones.  I.e., Make it rain for Adam Jones.  I.e. Except After C.  Jones won’t be terrible forever.  Get in before everyone on your street owns an Adam Jones and then you just seem like a follower.  You have my money back guarantee.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Alex Gonzalez – He will bat around .230 by the end of the year.  He adds the U C to sucks.  He needs a new neckerchief he has so many Demerit Badges, but he’s currently hitting, so there’s that.

Chris Coghlan – I don’t even like this schmohawk, but he’s not this bad.  You might be able to pull him away from a panicky owner with a past the due date Pink Sno Ball.

Mike Pelfrey – Here’s what I said the other day, “His K-rate prior to 2010 was pretty poor.  Even this year, it’s only a little above his career mark.  His biggest adjustment so far seems to be his ability to avoid the homer ball and leave men on base.  He won’t continue to leave men on base, but he can maintain his small strikeout and homer gains. You’re not looking at a total breakout, but he can be usable as a 4th fantasy starter, especially in Metco.”  And that’s me quoting me!  I’ll also add to buy him while his sinker is keeping bats off the Pelfrey.  Oofa!

Justin Duchscherer – I figured this guy was owned everywhere, then I see he’s only owned in 11% of ESPN leagues.  This just in, Duchscherer worth owning.

Jon Lester – If he doesn’t bounce back this week, he’ll probably have the lead-in of the Buy section next Friday.  Go and get Lester now!

Cameron Maybin – Contributing steals, runs and average in the leadoff spot.  Some power could come soon.  That’s so Maybin!

Mike Napoli – In the beginning of the year, Napoli got plutoed.  You’re a planet, you’re a planet, you’re getting declassified and catching batting practice.  So you dropped Crapoli already three times this year and now you’re having a hard time keeping down empty at-bats from Clement.  You’re thinking maybe it was better to have a DNP from Napoli than a DP/DS (Did Play/Did Suck) from Clement.  Well, it’s your catching scab and it’s choice to pick it.  Napoli’s playing again.  For now.  Will Scioscia find a way to screw you over again?  Prolly.

Ike Davis – The other day, I dedicated a roundup lead to Ike Davis.  He’s probably not that much better than Daniel Murphy.  That’s an insult for those not familiar with the Murphy oeuvre.  But if Davis hits, everyone will jump on the Davis and then you can flip him.  Hey, it’s the rookie trampoline.  Jump on them, them flip them but if you stay on it too long, you’ll fall and hurt yourself.

Justin Smoak – Scroll down to this morning’s post or click here.  Your choice.

Jeremy Hermida – The Random Outfielder Off Waivers That Is Currently Hitting Homers That May Not Be Hitting Homers In A Week.  Or ROOWTICHHTMNBHHIAW for those who find acronyms easier to remember.

Carlos Quentin – Early in the year I made a crack that he was like Robert De Niro in Awakenings.  Then he did nothing for two weeks and I started to think someone should stick a fork in Quentin to make sure he’s still alive.  Then I looked at his numbers.  He’s been unlucky.  Change gonna come, nephew.  It takes alligator blood to check raise to the bettor and go after a hitter that isn’t doing anything, but Quentin should get better.

Julio Borbon -  Take the Borbon off the shelf!

Juan Gutierrez – Gutierrez might be that pitcher you pickup only to watch him destroy your ERA and WHIP, then drop him only to watch him pitch well in the next game, then pick him up again³.  Or maybe that’s me.  I have a problem!

Brett Cecil – Besides having a name that sounds like a 1970′s pinup, Cecil has strikeout stuff, but was a bit wild last year.  Though that might’ve been an aberration because earlier in his minor league career his control was pretty sound.  I’d avoid outside of AL-Only leagues for now.

Alex Gordon – Every time I see Alex Gordon on waivers, I sing to myself, “Shooting at the walls of heartache… Bang, bang!”  I’m not sure if I’m the warrior, Patty Smyth or a fool for picking up Alex Gordon.

SELL

Scott Podsednik – Member that Nike commercial “I am Tiger Woods.”  Someone should do that commercial but use only super shady guys that look like they just stepped out of a peep show.  Scruffy looking guy with a trench coat, “I am Tiger Woods.”  Gary Glitter, “I am Tiger Woods.”  Pee Wee Herman, “I am Tiger Woods.”  That would be awesome.  Anyhoo, a fantasy baseball version of that commercial would be:  Nyjer Morgan, “I am Scott Podsednik.”  Michael Bourn, “I am Scott Podsednik.”  Rajai Davis, “I am Scott Podsednik.”  Don’t get caught up in overrating Podsednik because he’s hitting well and getting some hot lady action.

Austin Jackson – Leading the Major Leagues with 24 strikeouts; Mark Reynolds has 17.  Zoinks!  Austin Jackson’s days of hitting .300 won’t be long.

Vernon Wells – Tied for the league lead in homers with Nelson Cruz and Matt Kemp.  Right behind him, Pujols and Utley.  This could be a test to make sure you can move from 1st to 2nd grade.  Which name doesn’t fit?

Max Scherzer – A K/9 of 5.29, nearly 80% of men left on, an ERA of 2.12, a FIP of 4.62… You haven’t escaped, you’re dragging your feet on the inevitable.  A’la Ray Walston in Robert Altman’s Popeye, “Your pappy was a dragger and you’re a dragger.”