Fantasy Baseball Advice

It was a big day for one of my favorite mancrushes, Brandon Allen, as he was called up.  In Triple-A this year, 18 homers, 7 steals and a .426 OBP.  He’s cut from the same cloth as all the donkeys that have come before him.  Hopefully, he’s less 2010 Big Donkey, because Adam Dunn looks like he’s still got David Eckstein in a bjorn and letting the little man swing for him.  In the majors from Allen, first, expect nothing.  That’s always a good way to start.  At least that’s what I tell the ladies.  If the Diamondbacks give Allen ABs, which I do think they will, he will get 10 to 13 homers and a few steals.  That’s the baseline.  When you hear the baseline, you nod your head.  Or maybe that’s the bassline.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Wily Mo Pena – Designated for assignment.  That assignment is to stop sucking.

Brett Anderson – Headed for Tommy John surgery.  Jonah Hill clearly said don’t trade for him.

Ike Davis – Ike’s taking so many hits while on the DL, somewhere Tina Turner’s smiling.  Now Davis could need ankle surgery in three weeks.  By the time the Mets figure out Davis’s injury, it’s going to start to hurt him for next year.  Hey, Mets, go to a different health care provider and get off the HMO!

Carlos Beltran – Love how the rumors of him being traded heat up the same day the Mets management says the trade of K-Rod doesn’t mean they’re throwing in the towel.  Kinda like how Rocky didn’t throw in the towel until Apollo was dead.

Bobby Parnell – Still my favorite for saves, but now the Mets are saying it could be Izzy or even Pedro Beato.  I think the Mets are just trying to enhance Izzy’s trade value by saying he’s the closer.  He might get a save or two until he gets on the casino bus.

Carlos Gonzalez – Supposed to be back for Friday’s game.  To give you some insight into the inner sanctum of the ‘stache, I almost made Carlos Gonzalez a sell in this afternoon’s post.  I’m pretty worried about the wrist.  If it hurts his power, you’re looking at a top outfielder in name only.

Julio Borbon  – Could miss two months if he needs surgery on his ankle.  If this news is disheartening for your fantasy team, you have bigger fish to fry.  And for those that drank too much Wild Turkey last night and found us after they Googled “Borbon fantasy,” the hallucinations will stop soon.

Bartolo Colon – 2/3 IP, 3 ER.  Colon blow!

Andruw Jones – Hit two homers last night to pad his once Hall of Fame stats.  They should start a Baseball’s Almost Hall of Fame in Cupertino.  Andruw, Delgado and McGriff can be the inaugural class.

Justin Morneau – Was cleared to resume non-baseball activities.  So he can now do pretty much the same things he’s been doing since April.

Matt Garza – 7 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Two and a half more months of starts like this and we’ll be copacetic.

Carlos Marmol – 0 IP, 5 ER.  YOU STUPID MOTHER–  We interrupt this program to remind all our readers the importance of family.  Call someone you love and tell them they’re special.  OR CALL MARMOL AND TELL HIM HE’S PIECE OF SH– Or just go outside and smell the flowers.  ONLY IF IT’LL TAKE THE STINK AWAY FROM THIS MARMOL OUTING!

Mike Napoli – Slam and legs.  What are the chances?  Same as my chances with his Mom.

Asdrubal Cabrera – 2-for-5 with his 15th home run.  If I had access to the government’s time machine (and they have one!), then I’d go back in time to March and draft Asdrubal in the first round of every league just so I can see my leaguemates’ faces (assuming I did a draft in person).

Carlos Santana – 2-for-5 with his 14th home run.  I only mention this because I want a dozen catcher questions in the comments.  I crave your attention.  Shower me with it!

Justin Masterson – 6 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 8 Ks.  He has a 2.80 ERA, yet I don’t think I’ve felt good about starting him all year.  Cust kayin’.

Yovani Gallardo – 4 IP, 6 ER.  His Outkast song would be, So Inconsistent, So Frustrating.

Trevor Plouffe – Here was an IM exchange between Rudy and I:  R:  You should mention Trevor Plouffe as a Buy.  G: Did you make up that name?  R: No.  G:  Are you lying?  R: No.  G:  Are you sure?  R: Yes.  G: His name sounds like the sound crap makes when it hits the toilet water.  R:  He’s a shortstop with power.  For deep leagues.  G: How about I mention him in the roundup?  R: That works.  G: Should I make up a team name for this make believe player?  R: I hate you.  Rudy likes Plouffe a lot in AL-Only leagues.  Solid power at a weak position, though he could struggle for average.  Yesterday, he hit his 4th homer.  Mark Whiten, “In one game?!”  No, Mark, on the year.

Francisco Liriano – 7 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks.  He’s my Bart, and I am his Sideshow Bob.

Delmon Young – 3-for-4, if only he could come off the DL every night, instead of every 15 days.  Member three days ago when I put him in my top 100 for the 2nd half and you did a double take?  Luckily, you didn’t do a spit take, that could mess up your keyboard.

Derek Holland – I will simply say I could pitch against the Mariners in Safeco and I throw like a girl (no offense to our 3 girl readers; if you have any friends, your man Grey is single again.  Hello!).

Jose Bautista – Twisted ankle has JB day-to-day.  Since I don’t own him anywhere, why couldn’t he be more seriously injured?  Excuse me, I need to be unbiased.  Please let him be okay (after the season).

Travis Snider – 3-for-5, with his 6th steal.  Don’t drink whatever it is Aaron Hill’s drinking with all that stealing and no power nonsense.  Please.

Eric Thames – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and…Okay, everyone on the Blue Jays went 3-for-5 with 3 RBIs so there’s that.  I like Thames for power, which is also called hydroelectricity.  Al Gore invented that.  After the internet.

Jon Rauch – What’s six-eight with tattoos on its neck?  A giraffe at the Bronx Zoo.  Oh, and the new Blue Jays closer.  For right now at least.

With 4 homers for Kelly Johnson, there’s still the Kelly Ka-POW, see?  With the 6 steals, he’s still running.  If you extrapolate those numbers out, it’s a 20/20 season.  If extrapolate is the right word.  From radio, to the video, to Arsenio… Tell me!  Yo, what’s the best case scenario for Johnson?  Last yeario, Phife Dawg.  That’s not happening this year though.  This is what currently is happening.  His balls batted into play are showing he’s been unlucky, so he’s pressing and his Ks have gone up and walks have gone down.  If a couple balls fall in front of fielders and Johnson gets on base, his confidence will rise and he’ll start being more selective at the plate.  His average will then rise and he’ll continue to hit for power and steal bases.  His average isn’t likely going to get up to .280, but a 18/15 year with a .250 average is still very possible.  That’s better than the current perception of him.  If he’s been dropped, I’d look to grab him. If he’s on an impatient owner’s team, I’d offer up a deal.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Julio Borbon – Was moved to the top of the order in Texas.  You know why?  Cause Ron Washington is mixing things up!  “How much powdered sugar are you putting on your donuts?”  “That’s not powdered sugar…I’m mixing things up!”  That’s Ron in other aspects of his life.

Domonic Brown – He was in last week’s Buy column, he’ll be in next week’s and every week until he’s called up.  That is my promise to you, now buy American!

Roger Bernadina – He’s been doing a whole lot of bupkis since he got called up, but for his upside I’m giving him another week.  Now get hot you schmohawk!

Mark Trumbo – Maybe the Los Angeles Angels of Not Los Angeles County shouldn’t have took Trumbo’s doctor recommendation for Kendrys.  Never the hoo!  Pitch a tent in the middle of your fantasy lineup for Trumboner.

Anthony Rizzo – I’m Anthony Rizzo, jerky!  He has 10 homers in 31 games in Triple-A, so I don’t think Petco is going to kill his power completely.  For now, I’d just grab him in NL-Only leagues.

Danny Valencia – More of a very deep, short-term add because he doesn’t have enough power to really get the blood flowing.

Mark Melancon – He sounds like a comedian/ventriloquist who plays in an Indian casino.  Speaking of which, my friend recently went out with a puppeteer.  I told him to ask her if he can try and move her mouth by putting his hand up her–  Wait, this is a family show.  Um, Melancon, yeah, he should be getting saves for the time being.

Vicente Padilla – No, I can’t believe I keep recommending Padilla for pick up.  Yes, it is weird.  Yes, I am reading your mind’s eye for questions you have.  No, you shouldn’t have Chipotle for lunch.  You had that yesterday.

Eduardo Sanchez – SAGNOF!

Jake Arrieta – In his 2nd start of the year vs. the Rangers, he gave up 8 runs in 3 1/3 IP.  He bounced back from that mugging like Bernie Goetz.  In all other games, his ERA 2.14.  Zoinks!

Travis Wood – Should be owned.  Don’t believe me today?  Go back and read what Yesterday Grey had to say.  Yesterday Grey, “Do your own work, man.”

James McDonald – There’s certain players that make it seem like I’m higher on them than I am because they’re never owned but should be, forcing me to talk about them a lot.  That doesn’t mean they should be owned over say Kuroda.  This message was brought to you by the Committee to Hedge All Bets in Regards to Picking Up McDonald.

Chris Iannetta – Ever notice Italians seem to catch more than any other position?  Berra, Piazza, Torre, Girardi, Garagiola, Campanella (half), Lo Duca, Napoli, Iannetta, Sal Fasano…  My theory is because Italians like to be in charge and what better way to control the game than from the catching position.  Or maybe it’s because they all enjoy eating so they like it behind the plate.  As for Iannetta, he’s hitting so ride the green, white and red lightning.

Scott Sizemore – He’s not exactly lighting the world on fire…Shoot, he’s not even sparking a match over a stack of dry newspapers.  (For our 18 to 25-year-old demographic, newspapers were regularly scheduled publications containing news of current events, informative articles, diverse features and advertising.  Thanks, Wikipedia!)  Sizemore is still a solid upside MILF (Middle Infielder I’d Like to take a Flyer on).

SELL

Ryan Roberts – Hey, you guys had a good couple of weeks.  Friend him on Facebook so you guys can keep in touch and drop him.

Jason Bay – Other than Reyes and Wright, I’m not a huge fan of the Mets hitters (or pitchers for that matter).  I’ve been called names for expressing yawnstipation for Ike Davis.  Some of those names were accurate.  I am gooftarded from time to time.  Still, potatoes to chips, old Bay isn’t helping any fantasy teams reach its full flavor potential.

Jeff Francoeur – I wouldn’t drop Frenchy outright, but right now he’s sandwiched between A-Gon and Miguel Cabrera on ESPN’s Player Rater.  That’s as good as it baguettes for Frenchy.  You should see what you can get in a trade before his average drops out and he stops hitting Freedom Flies.

Gaby Sanchez – He (she?) is batting .336 and just came off a home run binge (binger!).  It’s nice, huh?  You should go to a Marlins game (if you can get seats — real hot ticket!), sit in the first row and blow kisses to Gaby.  He (she?) will like that.  He’s still around a 20 homer, .275 hitter.  I wouldn’t trade him for a You Can’t Do That On Television autographed cast photo, but I’d explore options.

Justin Verlander threw a no-hitter on Saturday, said the guy who doesn’t write a roundup on Sunday which makes Monday’s lead-in a little dated.  BTW, I hear The Godfather is a good movie, you should check it out!  And invest in Microsoft!  Verlander seems to get little respect as a number one starter, but if I owned him, you’d have to pry him from my cold, dead, well-manicured fingers.  Gives you 200 Ks, a mid-3 ERA and a killer smile.  Smiles are totally underrated.  You can’t put a price on those…Unless you’re a dentist.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Austin Jackson – 7 for his last 13.  I’m not a fan in the big picture, but the small picture says if he’s going to start hitting, there’s no reason to turn your nose up at him unless the smell of a hot hitter repulses you.

Yovani Gallardo – In 8 innings, threw a one-hitter on Saturday.  To misquote Positive K, Gallardo’s a headache, now he’s an aspirin.  Hopefully, he’s turned a corner this time and not just a U-turn back to crap.

Jason Bourgeois – To the DL.  That was a fun SAGNOF ride, right?  Haven’t been that excited about a SAGNOF’er since Alex Sanchez stole 52 bases in 2003 with nothing but a cheap pair of Keds and steroids.

Frank Francisco – John Farrell, who is supposedly the Blue Jays manager, said Francisco is the primary closer.  If you mix a primary closer with a primary set-up man, it makes the color blue.

Jose Bautista – Returned and hit a homer.  At season’s end, Bautista will meet in front of a congressional committee for making me look bad.

Vicente Padilla – 1 IP, 1 ER as he secured his 2nd save but he’s already showing signs of the rough waters that once sank Padilla’s flotilla.  I’d continue to hold Kuo and Jansen, in the non-sexual way.

Andre Ethier – Finally went hitless on Saturday, but returned with a 2-for-4, home run day on Sunday.  Alyssa Milano gave him a hand for three straight minutes.

Johnny Cueto – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Sonavabench!

Justin Masterson – 7 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks, now has a 2.11 ERA.  Yeah, not sure why he shouldn’t be owned in all leagues for right now.

Roger Bernadina – He’s back!  Ooh, hold on, someone’s knocking on my door.  “Hey, it’s Excitement For Bernadina here.  I just moved into the building and wanted to say I appreciate you still using an exclamation mark when saying Bernadina’s back.  Us Excitement For Bernadina’s have to stick together.  By the way, did you see a package from Omaha Steaks by my door?  It’s missing.”  Riggleman, who’s not related to Jigga man, says Bernadina will play every day.  All Bernadina needs to do is hit and he’ll block Ankiel upon his return.

Anibal Sanchez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 11 Ks.  Their Ks are not the same, but Anibal reminds me of Buehrle.  You get nothing, you get a near perfect game.  You don’t get nothing, you get nowhere near a perfect game, triple negatives be damned.

Hanley Ramirez – Edwin Rodriguez, who’s currently posing as the Marlins manager, had a terrific quote that should be inspiring to Marlin players and fans alike.  He said, “(Hanley) will stay there in the third hole until we get another option.  There are not too many options.”  It’s not easy to insult your entire team while offering no hope.  He’s the Knute Rockne of baseball managers.  One day his Cooperstown plaque will read, “When Edwin Rodriguez faced adversity, he threw up his hands and offered no solutions.  Instead, he passive-aggressively blamed others.  It’s actually a little weird that he’s in Cooperstown with a losing record over a two-year span of coaching.”

Gaby Sanchez – 4-for-4 with his 5th homer as he bats .328.  Too bad he’s apparently not capable of the three hole.

Nelson Cruz – To the DL.  Hey, at least he got his first DL stint out of the way.  Now he only has three more stints to go.

Chris Davis – Will see more playing time with Nelson Cruz on the DL.  Bill James has to have his inseam taken out.

Julio Borbon – 4 steals in his last six games.  Could be a quick fill-in for those that lost Bourgeois, which also led to the fall of the Soviet Union.

Erik Bedard – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Looks like vintage Bedard, which means he’ll be injured any day now, but he should still be owned while we’re waiting for the other shoe to drop (and injure him).

Sam Fuld – 1-for-5, now batting .248.  I actually meant to include him in Friday’s Sell, but shizz got away from me.  Potatoes to chips, Fuld looks done-zo.

Mark Reynolds – 0-for-2, hitting .187.  Brian Roberts hitting .221; Markakis hitting .227; Lee .233; Vlad .267; Scott .253; Jones .250, Wieters .232.  The O’s are staying true to their name.

Carl Crawford – Since I told you to buy him, he’s hitting around .400.  Cust kayin’.

Danny Valencia – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and the hangover cure slam & legs.

Pedro Alvarez – Won’t need a trip to the DL…But will need 15 days on your bench while he recovers.  Just when you thought Alvarez couldn’t make you hate him anymore, he goes and gets hurt but not put on the DL.  Stop eating red velvet cupcakes and play baseball, you douchetard!

James McDonald – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Now has only 2 earned runs in his last 18 innings, 16 Ks to 7 BBs while lowering his ERA from 10.13 to 5.65.  Looking like that preseason sleeper that we thought he’d be.  And by we, I mean me and the rest of my graduating class from the College of Fantasy Baseball at Charleston.

Kendrys Morales – Going to Colorado for a 2nd opinion on his ankle.  Gotta love how major league teams conduct business.  He’s being paid three million this year, yet it took months of him being unable to run to seek a 2nd opinion.  What’s he got, Medicare?

Chris Narveson – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks.  I’ve gone hot and cold on Chris Narveson, which sounds like the Christian name for The Noid and is beginning to act like it.  Just hard to get confident about a guy who gets hit by the Astros and pitches fine vs. decent teams.

Lance Berkman – 1 for his last 11.  Better get back in the DeLorean.

Kyle McClellan – 8 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Same shizz as Narveson, except his K:BB is 22:15 in 43 2/3 IP.  At any point, Dave Duncan’s abracadabra could leave an abracadaver.

Fernando Salas – The Cards “closer,” Salas, relieved the Cards “closer,” Eduardo Sanchez.

Tyson Ross – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Team ERA of 2.69 and that’s with their crizzappy closer.  Get on board with all the Oakland A’ces, they’re your American League hodgepadres.

Derek Jeter – 4-for-6, 2 homers and a steal.  Some may view this as Jeter is finally coming alive.  I thought that too until I stroked my mustache a few times.  This is Jeter’s owners opportunity to finally sell him for value.  This is one game.  Even if Cap’n Jeets comes alive for a week or two, he’s still not going to return to the player he once was.  Mustache, “You’re welcome.”

Curtis Granderson – 3-for-4, three runs, two RBIs, one home run, zero idea what A-Rod sees in girls with manly faces.

Chris Young – Headed to the DL with shoulder tightness.  I didn’t even know giraffes had shoulders.

Even if you draft one or two outfielders in the top 100 (which you should), you’ll still need to identify some late bargains.   The top 20, 40, 60 and 80 outfielders for 2011 fantasy baseball can be found under the 2011 fantasy baseball rankings.  This is by no means all the outfielders I’d draft for one of my teams.  This is a list of guys that will go after the top 200 and could provide some healthy returns.  Where applicable, click on the player’s name to read more about them and to see their 2011 projections.  Anyway, here’s some outfielders to target for 2011 fantasy baseball:

Julio Borbon – I don’t want to toot my own horn — well, actually I do, but can’t reach — but last year this outfielder to target post had Bruce, Rasmus, Corey Hart, Jason Heyward, Austin Jackson and Julio Borbon.  Okay, Borbon was a year too early.  Fair enough, fair enough.  What makes Borbon enticing is his potential for 5 to 7 homers and 20 to 30 steals.  The parade rain is his potential to sit on the bench and watch David Murphy play.  One injury to the Rangers outfield — that could never happen with Hamilton and Cruz! — and Borbon will be a great bargain.

Tyler Colvin – Same deal as Borbon as far as playing every day goes.

Jose Tabata – ESPN has him at 253.  I have him ranked at 82 overall.  That might be the biggest gap for any player that doesn’t spell his last name with a P, R, A, D and O.  I’m not sure I understand why they’re so down on Tabata in the non-sexual way, but if I try to figure out their logic, my brain hurts.

Logan Morrison – His upside is small and his downside is small.  She says she likes the ocean.  Yeah, I rhymed small and small.  Sue me for the twelve seconds it took you to read it.  Because of Morrison’s propensity to take a walk, I can’t imagine he falls on his face, but he also might only match James Loney-type numbers.  For what it’s Wuertz, Rudy and I just drafted Morrison in our LABR league, hoping he breaks on through.  In deep leagues like that, I love Morrison.  About as safe as you can get while also being upsidey.

Garrett Jones – You almost definitely have to platoon him out, but he’s on the strong side of the platoon, going against righties.  If you can work in a hot hitter when Jones is sitting and get Jones for his 20+ homers and 7 steals, it’s not too bad.

Andres Torres – Currently has the ADP of 234 at Mock Draft Central.  I see no reason why he can’t repeat last year, assuming he stays healthy.  That’s not as easy for him as it would seem, but it’s worth more than the 234th spot.

Angel Pagan – Another guy who’s very low according to MDC.  Honestly, I don’t know how accurate that ADP list is, but Pagan shouldn’t be at 243.

Travis Snider – Here’s what I said last October, “(Snider) hit .155 in April and nearly lost his starting job.  Where the OBP was solid in the minors, it abandoned him.  Nothing was working.  Then in May, he turned things around hitting .378.  Gaston giveth time, Snider giveth power and OBP until he hurt his wrist and went to the 15-day DL for 62 days.  Wrist injuries can be tricky things.  Maybe when he returned in August with little power he was still nursing it?  Maybe his power didn’t really return until the last week of the season when he hit four homers in 6 games?  Maybe Green Day’s been singing the same two songs for the last fifteen years, one fast and one slow?  I do not have the answers to these questions.  I’d like to think all three are answered in the affirmative.”  And that’s me quoting me!

Dexter Fowler – I could just say SAGNOF at this point because I’ve been touting Fowler for two years.  Old habits yadda³.  To reaffirm what I’ve been reaffirming on top of my affirmations, Fowler could easily be as valuable as Victorino one hundred spots later in a draft.   He’s Feign Victorino, ya’ll!

Cameron Maybin – I almost left Maybin off the list entirely and would hesitate to draft him outside of NL-Only leagues.  Couple of things bother me:  A) His upside may only be The Big FraGu. B) His move to Petco doesn’t help at all.  C) There’s no C.

Manny Ramirez – Well, there’s an exciting name!  What, no Raul Ibanez? Cute, random italicized voice.  Sure, Manny’s no longer exciting, but he’ll have the DH spot to snuggie himself into and he’s never… wait, let me say it again in big letters… NEVER been unproductive when healthy.  I doubt he hits .395 and 35 homers, but 25 homers and a .290 average doesn’t seem out of the realm of possibility.  He shouldn’t be on the list because he’s only ranked 195 overall at ESPN, missing that magical cutoff of 200, but it’s my list and I can make the magical cutoff disappear when I want.

Peter Bourjos – He may sit here and there because of Vernon Wells, but never underestimate the Sciosciapath’s defensive-minded leanings.

Michael Brantley – This guy is so off the fantasy radar… How off is he?!  How come whenever I say something is so something that stupid Match Game refrain plays in my head.  Brantley is off the radar; leave it at that.  Brantley might be the best name on this list or the worst.  (I guess he could also be somewhere in the middle like Monie and Malcolm, but what kind of hyperbole is that?  Brantley’s the most middlest!  That’s stoopid.)  In the minors, Brantley showed a good eye so a decent average is possible while also stealing 30 bases.  Or the Indians demote him in April because they’re dopey.  Really could go either way.

Lorenzo Cain – I recently received this letter in the mail, “Grey, hola from Caracas!  Big fan of Razzball and your machismo.  Let me ask you a pregunta that is plain and simple like my cousin Juan Carlos del Flores.  Who’s the number one added outfielder in April that no one is currently drafting?  Yours, Juan Francisco del Flores (not to be confused with Juan Carlos del Flores).”  Thanks for writing in, Juan Carlos del Flores.  It’s a great question.  My money’s on Lorenzo Cain.  Has speed, some slight power and no one, not even anyone in Lorenzo Cain’s family, is drafting him.

Jimmy Rollins went 0-for-4 in his return from the DL.  After the game, Charlie Manuel said… Actually, no one’s sure because he was chewing a piece of straw at the time.  I wouldn’t just yet start blowing your vuvuzela at your TV set that’s broadcasting the Philly game expecting an explosive 2nd half from Rollins.  J-Roll lost 16 steals from 2008 to 2009 and is now 31-years-old and on a bad set of wheels.  He’s in a great place to succeed — the Philly lineup and hitter-friendly Citizens Flank.  In a half a season, you may only get 10/15 with a .270 average.  It’s nice, but this isn’t your slightly older brother’s NL MVP anymore.  This is a guy that is one poor 2nd half away from plummeting in the shortstop rankings.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jamie Moyer – 8 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks.  He attributes his success to how well he prepares for each opponent.  Here he is checking the Indians’ scouting report.

Mat Latos – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks vs. the Rays.  Has a WHIP of 0.95 and a 2.93 ERA.  He’s real and he’s spectacular.  Now I’m more concerned about the Padres actually battling for the NL West and putting too many innings on Latos’ arm.  Please don’t do that, I wanna own him next year.

Jose Bautista – 2-for-3 with 2 homers.  I wonder if Aaron Hill watches him, muttering, “I was the toast of Toronto!”

Brett Cecil – 5 IP, 6 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks.  I wouldn’t read too much into this if it hadn’t come right after a 5 earned in 6 inning game vs. the Padres.  Cecil could be going through a tired arm.

Matt Wieters – 1-for-3 with a home run.  A Matt Wieters Fact:  After Matt Wieters last home run, he went 0-for-16.

Jake Fox – Orioles made their first move for the pennant chase, trading for Jake Fox.  Now if they can get their hands on 9 hitters, 5 starters, a bullpen, a closer and a manager, they could be unstoppable.  I’m the first one to go caca-cuckoo for Jake Fox, but he needs an every day job and needs to hit.  So for now the “Unathletic Like A Fox” t-shirts are still on the shelf.

Mike Gonzalez – Threw a scoreless inning as he started his rehab.  The O’s are looking for the closer role to be ‘A Mike G. Joint’ before the All-Star break.

Roy Oswalt – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks and a no decision.  Is it me or has this been his line every time out?  No, it’s not me.  It has.

Angel Pagan – 4-for-6, 3 Runs and 4 RBIs.  Are you an angel?  Are you a pagan?  A devil worshiping angel?  And neither names are pronounced as they seem?  It’s all very confusing.  What is not confusing is he’s the Metropolitans’ best hitter.  Can’t bench Pagan for Beltran.  Cannot do it.  People need to show up at Metco with “Benchy Frenchy” signs.  Take some initiative, Mets fans.  You’re our only hope.

Jose Reyes – 3-for-6 with his 18th steal.  Hmm… Let’s see, I’d like him to have 27 steals by the All-Star break.  Make it happen.  Oh, bee tee dubya, Reyes has the same number of RBIs as Jason Bay.  Zoinks!

Justin Verlander – 2 IP, 5 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks.  I recognize this line from somewhere.  I know!  It’s one of his April lines.  June to Verlander, come in Verlander.

Brennan Boesch – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer.  I’m waiting for the bottom to drop out with Boesch, but I’m enjoying him on a few teams in the meantime, which I guess makes it happytime.

Andy Oliver – Will take over Porcello’s rotation spot for the time being.  Oliver is only 14 starts into his pro career, rocking a 8+ K/9, 3.61 ERA and 1.28 WHIP at Double-A Erie, which makes it scary that the Tigers are promoting him already.  It’s one way to kill a prospect’s confidence.  Another way is to hide “You suck” notes in their locker and sign them, “Love, Mom.”  With his Ks, I’d grab him in deep H2H leagues and AL-Only leagues for a chance at lightning in a bottle.  Or if you feel like it’s a last ditch effort to save an already declining team, add Oliver and the always precocious, Brian Bonsall.

Nelson Cruz – 0-for-3 as he returned from the DL.  I just hope this doesn’t now mean it’s Vlad or Hamilton’s turn to get injured.  Please let the Texas scales of injury tip towards Matt Treanor.

Julio Borbon – Hit his 2nd homer of the year.  Otherwise known as one more homer than Ian Kinsler.

Tommy Hunter – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Hard to recommend him outside of deep leagues because of his K-rate, but he’s pitching well and had a good July last year.  Or so I read yesterday.  Hey, wait, I wrote that yesterday too.  Weird!

Brian McCann – Hit his 8th homer yesterday.  Let me guess, his eyes are better?  Stupid McCann with his stupid eyes.

Tommy Hanson – 3 2/3 IP, 9 ER, 14 baserunners, 0 Ks, now has a 4.17 ERA on the year.  I was criticized pretty heavily in the preseason when I said I was avoiding Hanson in all of my leagues (also in that tier of avoidance:  Vazquez and Scherzer).  Luckily, those critics are back tweeting funny karaoke stories with Matthew Berry.

Carlos Quentin – 2-for-4 with a three-run homer.  And this preseason sleeper of mine hasn’t looked as good.  He really is more talented than what he’s shown, but he has been severely disappointing.  (Hey, who said has been?)  Maybe this is the start of something.  Though I wouldn’t hold my breath.  You could die.

Scott Baker – 6 IP, 5 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Geez, Baker, make up your freakin’ mind.  You turning your season around or aren’t you?  Very frustrating.  (BTW, I saw A. Burnett gave up two runs in middle relief for the Twins and for a second I was like, “Damn, A.J. Burnett is now giving up runs for the Twins on his day off?”)

Jhoulys Chacin – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks vs. the Sawx.  Sonavabench!

Huston Street – Was activated from the DL, but Matt Belisle got his 2nd career save as Tracy made a point about not rushing Street back into a pressure situation.  This has to be one of the sillier things a manager does.  He’s been a closer his whole career, it’s three outs, just throw Street.  I wouldn’t grab Belisle unless you’re crazy desperate for saves.  I wouldn’t drop Corpas either because who knows how long Street’s going to be nursing from Tracy’s teet.

Matt Kemp – Hit his 12th homer, but no one was on base because he was batting seventh.  TORRE!!!

Bronson Arroyo – 8 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 1 K.  His lack of strikeouts is obvious, but he’s a 2nd half beast that’s turned it on already.

Coco Crisp – Returned from the DL early and hit his first homer of the year.  Oh, snap! *soft voice* Crackle, pop.

Jason Vargas – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks.  There’s a lot of smoke mirrors going on with Vargas, but his ballpark does end in -co.

Trevor Hoffman – Ken Macha said Hoffman could reclaim the closer role.  Then Axford asked why.  Then Macha said cuz.  Then Axford went out and got his fifth straight save.

Carlos Silva – Start is being pushed until Saturday due to a hamstring injury.  Silva told the media, “This is very disappointing because for many years I’ve shown nothing but love for everything associated with ham.”

Anibal Sanchez – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks.  I wonder if Anibal and Gaby have ever been on a double date with two girls named, Bill and Kevin.