Fantasy Baseball Advice

I just want to put it out there, I love Eric Young Jr. I have a plan in place to have Prince Fielder have a long discussion Eric Young Jr. about nogoodnik fathers and step in as EY Jr.’s surrogate.  We will vacation in Orlando and try faux exotic foods at Epcot, like Greek and Spanish.  When Eric Young Jr. Jr. needs someone to go to the PTA meetings, I will be there.  When Erica Young needs a date to a cousin’s wedding or something, the tux will be rented, the corsage will be picked from a neighbor’s yard and the Drakkar will be spritzed.  I will be Sandra Bullock and Eric Young will be my very own Michael Oher.  (BTW, I liked The Blind Side better when it was called Diff’rent Strokes.)  And if that doesn’t all work out as planned, I’ll own him in fantasy for steals.  Don’t you people need some MI speed?  Own him.  Now.  Chop-chop.  Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week:

BUY

Jose Tabata – I mentioned to Rudy I was going to do a Buy lead-in with Jose Tabata and he said, “That’s about as dated as your mustache.”  But, Rudy, he’s hitting near-.500 over the last week with steals and a little pop and he’s only owned in 23% of ESPN leagues.  Rudy, “You running for President of the Jose Tabata Fan Club?”  Yes, yes I am.

Cameron Maybin – Who knew I’d recommend him?  Show of hands.  Okay, you can put your hands down now.  “Teach, I just want to go to the bathroom.”

Scott Podsednik – Manny’s about to exit stage left and Pods will get playing time again.  SAGNOF!

Marcus Thames – The Yankees have about 6 of these interchangeable DH-types.  Continued in the next blurb…

Austin Kearns – Number two of interchangeable Yankee DHs.  You can’t own either (or both, for that matter) without having an extra bench bat.  They don’t play every day, but when they do play they can give you HRs and RBIs.

Koji Uehara – Now for the SAGNOF portion of our program.

Evan Meek – I wouldn’t go two deep for saves in Pittsburgh unless I were in a dogfight for points in the saves category.  Meek and Hanrahananananan may only get a total of 4 saves between them in the whole month of September.

Hisanori Takahashi – Confirmed closer for the Mets, should be owned in every league.  Au Bon Japan!

Ivan Nova – With Javy Vazquez moving to the bullpen until TBA, Nova moves into the rotation until TBA.  Nova had more than an adequate time in Triple-A this year (2.86 ERA, 1.26 WHIP, 7+ K/9).  On the Yankees he should be serviceable and get some Wins, but there’s always a chance he drops something in your drink and you wake up walking like you were just jumping hurdles.

Jordan Zimmermann – The pitch count restrictions worry me a bit with Zimmermann.  Do you need a starter to go 5 IP and give up 2 ER and walk away with a no-decision?  I don’t.  I have plenty of those guys on my staff.  Though Zimmermann is a must own in deep keepers.

Bud Norris – Just went over my Bud Norris fantasy.  If you click that link, it magically transports the post back a few days.  It’s like a time machine for words.

Daniel Hudson – Stop me if you’ve heard me tout him–

Kila Ka’aihue – Big Time Masher, Poi!  The Good Eyein’ Hawaiian!  Mauna Kila!  Choose your own nickname, and grab him if you’re hurting at corner infidel.

Mike Moustakas – He appeared in the 2010 September call-ups post.  There I said, “Has a cool… …gyro recipe… …and a picture of …Mr. Bungles… Keep effing that chicken…”  Hmm… Could’ve pulled a more coherent quote.

Dustin Ackley – Also, appeared in that September call-ups post.  I’m not very high on Ackley right now, but he should be owned in AL-Only and keeper leagues at this point.

Todd Helton – Trying to find something positive to say about him…  Dang, whatever.  He’s hitting, that’s all I got.

Juan Uribe – He gets absurdly hot at times and he’s coming off two straight games with a homer.  Since he has shortstop eligibility, he probably should be owned anyway.

Jhonny Peralta – I’ll probably write an entire post about this.  For now, shorthand.  It’s practically September.  You can’t hold underperforming guys and let hot hitters sit on waivers.  Is Silent H a great player?  Nope, but he’s hot.

Stephen Drew – Has 7 homers in August.  That’s two off the major league lead in homers for this month.  That’s one more homer than Tulo and Holliday combined.

Ryan Raburn – I told you to pick him up in the July 30th Buy/Sell.  This is the fourth week in a row I’ve told you to pick him up.  Do you hear me?!  Don’t make me come back there!

SELL

Mike Stanton – Drop him, he looks like the K’ing of Wishful Swings right now.  Obviously you ignore said advice in keepers.

James Loney – Has 8 homers and 9 steals with a .277 average on the year.  That’s not a 1st baseman; that’s a middle infielder.  Ian Desmond’s beating those numbers.  You own this guy?

Nick Markakis – I think I’ve already mentioned dropping him, but here he is again because I hate him and his stupid face.  You thought Loney’s season numbers were bad; check out Markakis.  8 homers and 6 steals with a .287 average.  It’s an impostor in his body — Dick Fartakis.

Stephen Strasburg – The pitcher whose stuff is so inspirational that both his first and last names start with St. looks like he’ll be martyring his 2011 season.  Evidently he’s mortal because he needs Dr. Freeze to save his ulnar collateral ligament.  Yup, the dreaded Tommy John surgery.  If you have him in a keeper league, put on some Sting, shed the necessary tears for the pitcher you love, and then set him free.  But try to snag him for a low bid next year’s draft so you can get keeper rights for 2012.

The first time Manny Ramirez went on waivers was before the 2004 season when the Sawx dared any team to accept his $20MM/year contract.  No one did and he helped the Sawx win the World Series.  Now it’s the Dodgers’ turn.  Say goodbye to Mannywood?  Could be.  If no one dares take him, the McCourts will be fighting over custody of him during the divorce proceedings (You take him…No, you take him…No, you take him to Central Park and let him play on the jungle gym then, when he falls, carry him 20 blocks to the nearest ER).  Hopefully for Manny’s sake, the Patron Saint of Bad Contracts (Kenny Williams of the ChiSox) claims him.  If Manny goes to a new team, it could invigorate him like a healthy dose of estrogen.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Octavio Dotel – In the closerousel in L.A., Dotel recorded the save.  Broxton worked a perfect 8th, then Torre threw three relievers in the ninth with none of them being Kuo.  Of course not, why would Kuo be used?  He was only labeled the closer replacement while Broxton figures his shizz out.  Assuming no meltdowns, Broxton will be the closer again soon.

Russell Branyan – In his last ten games, he has 6 homers in only 6 hits.  It’s like he’s playing Intellivision.

Madison Bumgarner – 2 2/3 IP, 7 ER.  After the Giants beat up on the Reds lefty rookie pitcher (Wood), the Reds returned the favor on the Giants’ Bumgarner.  If there was any team you think would go easy on a lefty, it’s the Reds but they’ve now hit two solid lefties in a row.

Pablo Sandoval – 4-for-6 with a steal.  He’s also 10 for his last 17.  He’s much cuter when he’s hitting.

Juan Uribe – 3-for-6 with a homer in his 2nd straight game.  Uribe gets crazy hot at times; this could be one of those times.  Act like you know, MC Lyte.

Homer Bailey – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 11 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Wasn’t a great few days to be a pitcher in AT&T.  I’d continue to hold Bailey for now.

Joey Votto – 4-for-7 with 2 homers.  You know those mannequins that you put in your passenger seat so you can illegally ride in the carpool lane?  I have one of those outfitted in a Votto jersey.  Last week, we went to see Eat Pray Love at a drive-in, but we didn’t watch much of the movie.

Brandon League – Recorded the save in yesterday’s game even though Aardsma hadn’t been used in a few games.  Something could be going on with Aardsma; I grabbed League in a few, uh, leagues.

Kila Ka’aihue – Two games, two homers.  It’s on like Steve Wiebe from The King of Kong hitting a bong with some Vietcong.

Stephen Drew – 4-for-4 with 2 homers.  From a guy who hasn’t had an extended hot streak for almost two years, this game was long overdue.

Ryan Dempster – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Nationals aren’t quite the pushover they have been in the past (partially because Nyjer Morgan will throw a ball at your head if you talk smack).  This was just a solid start from a guy who has become a very reliable fourth fantasy starter.  He’s like Ted Lilly-lite.

Adam Dunn – Made a cameo in last night’s Top Chef.  He ate all the cheftestants’ dishes and then sucked up the Potomac River to quench his thirst.  BTW, gray tuna?  What, was it wearing an away uniform?

Aramis Ramirez – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 20th homer.  Soriano hit his 21st homer in this game.  Are there two guys that got older overnight than these two?  Oh, wait, here’s one…

Todd Helton – 3-for-5, hitting around .350 in the last week.  SPOILER ALERT!  I already wrote my lukewarm recommendation for Helton in Friday’s Buy/Sell.

Huston Street – Was seen warming up (by me) in the bullpen, but Tracy stayed with Belisle since Street had worked a few days in a row.

Eric Young Jr. – 2-for-5 with his 10th steal.  *Grey drools*

Dexter Fowler – 1-for-3 with a Paul O’Neill homer (triple + error).

Omar Infante – 1-for-5 with his 7th homer, third in the majors in hitting since the All-Star Break.  BTW, the Rockies and Giants both came back from 9 run deficits on the same day.  Somewhere Tim Kurkijan is making dolphin noises.

Logan Morrison – 3-for-5, has hit in nine of his last ten games (still with no power).  In 101 ABs, he has 14 BBs and only 19 Ks with a .391 OBP.  At 23 years old!  Yeah, I’ll be targeting him next year.

Cameron Maybin – 2-for-5 as he hit leadoff.  Every time I try to get out, Maybin sucks me back in.

Alex Sanabia – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 1 K.  Could roofie you at any time, but he looks to be emerging as a decent spot starter.

J.A. Happ – Revenge is a dish best served over 6 1/3 innings while giving up only 2 earned runs.

Michael Bourn – Hit a home run.  I didn’t see it, but I’m assuming they let him hit from 2nd base.

Jimmy Rollins – 0-for-4, hitting .245, Victorino hitting .254, Utley’s at .271.  Right now, the Phillies look pretty listless.

Marcus Thames – Two homers, two games.  Since Berkman’s out with old age, Thames has seen pretty frequent starts.   He’s also hitting over .300 over the last week and you know he has power.

Mike Napoli – 2-for-4, 6 RBIs with his 21st homer.  I switched to a new blood pressure medicine, so I don’t want to even discuss how Napoli will probably be benched in the Angels’ next game.  Sciosciapath!

Howie Kendrick – 5-for-6 with a RBI and 2 Runs.  Since most of his fantasy value comes from his average, it’s good to see him finally get it up to .285.  I’d put Kendrick on a short list of the most overrated players in fantasy.  He’s owned in 100% of ESPN leagues.  Ian Desmond, who really hasn’t been far away from him in value, is at 35%.  Well, whatever.  Can’t solve the world’s problems.

Dan Haren – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Comatose Angels Fan, “Hey, been in this coma since March and just woke up yesterday.  Awesome that we got Haren and we’re scoring 12 runs a game!  We must be in first by what?  10 games?”   Off my head shake.  “Damn, those stupid Mariners are in front of us, aren’t they?”  You should sit down, Comatose Angels Fan.

Jake Westbrook – 6 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Looks like the novelty of the new league might be wearing off.

Aaron Hill – Hit his 19th homer, too bad he’s hitting .208 on the year.  How does one even hit .208 over 414 at-bats?  That’s 42 points off Adam Dunn’s career average.

Trevor Cahill – 7 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks.  It’s appropriate his last name starts with a hard C, not a K.

Jeff Niemann – 3 1/3 IP, 10 ER.  Hopefully you forgot to activate him.  Personally, I’d forget to own him.

Jason Jaso – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer.  Doesn’t have much power, but Jaso hits leadoff and has a .391 OBP.

Brian Matusz – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks.  It took to almost the point where he’s about to get shutdown, but he’s been dominant of late.  In his last 5 starts, he has an ERA of 2.32.  It’s hard to recommend him because of his team and division, but he really can be this good.

Koji Uehara – Great, now this schmohawk is the closer.  Earth to Buck Showalter, Mike Gonzalez has closer stuff!  Buck said he won’t name a closer so you can either lose all of them or hold one.  I’d hold Uehara simply because he’s recorded the last two saves.

Gordon Beckham – 1-for-2 with his 2nd homer in as many games.  Ozzie kills most of his value with the nine hole placement, but he has been hitting lately.

Dustin Pedroia – Francona arranged for Pedroia to talk to Michael Jordan because he suffered from a similar injury back in 1985.  I know how this story ends.  Jordan lures Pedroia to Vegas where his scrappiness and spunk are useless against the 15s and 16s he gets dealt at the blackjack table.  He gets out of town with only his stubble and a pair of Hanes he got from Jordan.

Josh Beckett – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. the Mariners.  According to Beckett, the Mariners offense is worth as much as an Alvin Davis rookie card.

Scott Podsednik traded to the Dodgers.  Call ‘em The Podsgers!  Should be convenient for his wife — much closer to the Playboy mansion.  Or so I read in an article in Playboy about Playboy while not looking at the pictures.  So Pods comes to L.A. because Manny’s never coming back?  They really needed a pinch runner?  Not really sure what the playing time will be for Podsednik once Manny’s healthy, but I guess he could see three days a week.  He’s definitely going to see his time cut from his days on the peasant Royals.  That’ll give him more time to worry about what Lisa’s doing now that they’re in a city where the most eligible bachelor isn’t a barbecue rub salesman.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Roy Oswalt – Looks to be headed to the Phillies.  All the deal needs is his approval.  I think if the Phils throw in a tractor, Roy will be a go pitcher.  Hello Wins, Goodbye Houston.  I’ll go over this move further this afternoon if it does indeed clear and doesn’t become a Cliff Lee to the Yankees move.

Shane Victorino – As first reported here after being read elsewhere, Victorino did end up on the DL.  Which makes room for the one and only… The King of Swing… The Man Whose Upside Makes It Almost Worth Learning How To Spell His Name… The Bastard Child You Wish Your 17-year-Old Daughter Had…

Domonic Brown – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs as he was called up by the Phillies.  I just went over my Domonic Brown fantasy.  Click the link and it transports you there.  It’s magic!  Grab Brown now (how, cow?) for his upside.  Plus, you can change your team name to ‘Under Domonic Possession.’

Stephen Strasburg – Of course he was shutdown for a few days.  I’m surprised the Nats were even able to write the press release to announce this while wearing those kid gloves.  For those in H2H leagues, it could work out for you if he misses a few starts now then pitches in September.  And that’s how you look at the glass half full!

Andres Torres – 4-for-6 with his 10th homer.  Is it me or am I talking about this guy every day?  I think I am.  Know why?  Because he’s doing something every day.

Juan Uribe – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs.  He has 14 homers on the year.  Uribe’s one of those types that is fantasy relevant all year, but if you hold him all year you probably feel like you’re not trying hard enough so you pick him up and drop him a dozen times and his stats on your team look like crizzap.

Brian Wilson – 1 IP, 2 ER as he blew the save.  It must’ve been the shoes!

Brad Mills – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks.  For the low, low price of facing the O’s, you too can look like a major league pitcher!

Ben Zobrist – Left the game with lower back stiffness, which is less embarrassing than lower front stiffness.

Carlos Lee – 2-for-4 with 2 homers.  Too bad Carlosly only modifies your team once every two weeks.

Bud Norris – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks.  He has 85 Ks in 80 IP, which is purdy, but I can’t recommend him outside of NL-Only leagues.  His ratios look like the bathroom in Slumdog Millionaire.

Joey Votto – 3-for-5, 2 Runs, 2 RBIs and his 26th homer.  Domo arigato, Joey Votto.

Brandon Phillips – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 14th homer and 12th steal.  Is it me or do guys that get around 20/20 seem to move their homers and steals up together?

Travis Wood – 5 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks.  His 0.96 WHIP and 33:10 K:BB in 37 2/3 IP isn’t too shabby at all.  Hard to grab him in too shallow of mixed leagues, but he gets the Pirates next.  Argh, that’s not bad.

Trevor Cahill – 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks.  First dominating start against a tough offense all year.  His owners should hope that doesn’t mean he’ll now go to pieces vs. the Royals next time out.

Michael Wuertz – He came in for the save!  Then gave up a run and was removed for Breslow!  For those keeping score at home, I’m dropping Wuertz in all of my leagues.  Bailey should return in time for the A’s next game.

Jason Bay – Could still go to the DL for his concussion.  We just have to collectively think positive.  Please DL him.  Please.

Johan Santana – 5 2/3 IP, 7 ER, 14 baserunners, 2 Ks as he let everyone beat him, including the first Chief Justice of the Supreme Court.

Carlos Beltran – 2-for-5 with his first homer in, like, three years.  If anyone thinks this is a sign, you should trade him to that person.

Garrett Jones – 4-for-4, 3 RBIs and 2 homers.  Robot Jones came, Robot Jones saw and Robot Jones didn’t feel anything because he’s a robot.

Huston Street – Could return today to the closer role.  One guy who won’t be closing is Manny Corpas, who entered the game in the 3rd inning.  Unless the guy from Memento was managing.  Matt Belisle and Joe Beimel could see saves if Street can’t return, in that order.

Joel Pineiro – Out for 6-8 weeks with an oblique strain.  Maybe they can now trade him to the Diamondbacks for Justin Upton.

Will Rhymes – 2-for-5 as he played his fourth game in a row though that may change with the Peralta rental.  He still hasn’t run, but if Will’s playing he should be rhyming and stealing.

Jhonny Peralta – The Detroit Tigers were obviously embarrassed by the Matt Garza no-hitter.  So much so, that they traded for the man whose bat is almost as silent as the H in his first name.

Luis Valbuena – Was recalled with the trade of Peralta.  He was hitting in Triple-A (6 homers, .313 in 96 ABs) and could add some pop at MI.  Though I wouldn’t pick him up until I see something first.

Brian Duensing – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Last year in 72 1/3 post-All-Star break innings, he had a 3.36 ERA and 2.78 in September.  I have a feeling this won’t be the last time I talk about him.  He is a Duens… Duens… Duens… Duensing machine.

Chone Figgins – Hit his first home run of the year as they let him bat from 2nd base.

Virginia is renaming a city for Stephen Strasburg.  An old Yankee reliever is renaming himself Myke Stanton so he shows up again in Google.  It’s a brand new day, Sting.  You stink POO-holes, however you spell your name.  Hanley, don’t wanna run out a pop-up?  Have a good life!  Change came, nephew.  The mollywhopping, pony stick carrying, Mike Stanton is in town.  No homers though.  Sad trombone.  3-for-5 and a rope to right in his fourth at-bat.  He looked fast down the line and absolutely gigantic.  Like Frank Thomas big.  Maybe it was the 3-D glasses I was wearing.  Rudy and I were speaking about Stanton.  We agreed.  He could hit 15-20 homers and .280.  Or he could hit .220.  It’s rookie nookie, you gotta decide if it’s worth the blisters.  Now for Big Baby Jesus, Stephen Strasburg.  He had his last tune up tonight against minor league hitters… Oh, wait, that was the Pirates.  My bad.   Strasburg was introduced, “Last name:  Ever.  First name:  Greatest.”  For a nifty trick, in the 2nd inning he threw a 98 MPH fastball and also caught it.  He looked flat-out dominating at times.  Towards the end of the game, he really started heating up — maybe he put his arm in the microwave for 15 seconds on both sides — and he looked unhittable.  He did after all strikeout 14 hitters.  And he homered three times.  Once off himself.  At other times, he looked like a rookie making mistakes.  I mean, he did give up a homer to Delwyn “I Don’t Even Know How To Spell My First Name” Young.  I think there’s going to be a bunch of 6 inning, 2-3 earned run, 8-10 K games and some wins.  Fantastic, for sure.  He could win the Rookie of the Year over Heyward.  But you didn’t just back into owning 1999 Pedro.  Not yet at least.  Maybe next year.  Yesterday, one of our three girl readers got Sabathia, Dunn and Ervin for Strasburg.  That’s tremendous value for Big Baby Jesus.  I’d explore how hyped he is in your league too.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Cameron Maybin – Will sit in favor of Stanton.  That’s so Maybin!  Oh, wait.  No, it’s not.  In NL-Only keeper leagues, I would hold onto Maybin.  Elsewhere… Well, if you worried your team can’t continue without Maybin, you have bigger fish to fry.  Marlin pun!  Kinda!

Ian Stewart – Went for X-rays on his sore right leg.  No word if they found any cork.

Jeff Francis – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 1 K.  I still wouldn’t trust him in mixed leagues, but you do what you gotta do.

Felix Hernandez – 6 IP, 7 ER, 11 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Not sure if this was F-Her, but it was definitely F-something.

Vladimir Guerrero – Hit his 13th homer as he bats .330 with 49 RBIs.  He can absolutely continue this, but he needs to stay healthy.  Sure, that “but” is the size of Ralphie May’s pants.

Kevin Slowey – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Well, la-di-da!  Where the heck you been, Slowey?  The Ks aren’t pretty but he has a 3.46 ERA on the year.  More impressively, he hasn’t given up a homer in three starts with two of the starts coming in the Hubert H. Homerfree Retrodome.

Zack Greinke – 5 IP, 6 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks.  I pray he’s not near any sharp objects tonight.  Or Eugenio Velez.  That guy’s rail thin.

Kris Medlen – 5 IP, 4 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Pitched better than his line as he gave up two solo homers that hit the foul pole.  Left the game with what appeared to be a shoulder injury.  Stupid Medlen shoulder!  Since it was his non-throwing shoulder, he could make his next start.

Kelly Johnson – 3-for-4 and his 13th homer.  Hey, is it April again already?

Mark Reynolds – Mini Donkey hit his 14th homer as he bats .217 on the year with 3 steals.  This was the problem that I addressed with Reynolds in the preseason.  The homers will be there, but the steals and average were fluky last year.

Hiroki Kuroda – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Throw out two starts vs. the Rockies and he has a 2.59 ERA.  How’s dem apples?  Delicious!

Jack Cust – Hit his 2nd homer since I said last week that he was getting hot and going to hit homers.  And that’s me paraphrasing me!

Kurt Suzuki – 4-for-5, 4 RBIs and his fourth homer in the last 7 games.  I understand he’s not a sexy name.  I don’t like him either, but if he’s hitting just own him.  Thank you.

Clayton Richard – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Rule #1 for hodgepadres is don’t start them outside of Petco.  Rule #2 is sometimes you can start them in Metco.  Rule #3 is Rule #2 kinda negates Rule #1.  Rule #4 is Rule #3 should shut up.

Jose Reyes – 2-for-4 with a homer.  Nothing else to really say about this, just felt like writing it since it’s few and far between when I get to say something positive about Reyes.  Get hot again, Jose.  Get hot!

Mike Pelfrey – 9 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, now has a 2.23 ERA on the year as he continues to keep the bats off the Pelfrey.

Jeff Niemann – 9 IP, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks vs. the 1927 Blue Jays.  The regression will come for Niemann.  I’ll bet the right side of my mustache on it.

Carlos Pena – I put the over/under for homers in June at 8.  He hit 2 more yesterday.  He needs only 5 more.  Maybe it’s time to take the over.

Daniel Bard – Getting his 2nd save yesterday was Bard.  Or was it the Earl of Oxford!  Papelbon’s on bereavement leave.  Grab Bard everywhere for saves.

Sam LeCure – 6 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Hi, I’m Sam LeCure.  You might remember me from such minor league stats as a 7.9 K/9, a 3.1 BB/9, a 3.67 ERA over 6 minor league seasons and the fast food training film, “Doughnut:  Take the Ugh Out.”

Matt Cain – 9 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Cain has a 2.11 ERA.  You can say that again with four exclamation marks.

Juan Uribe – Hit his 9th homer.  I’m not a big fan, but he does get crazy hot at times and can go on a tear for a few weeks.

Pat Burrell – 2-for-4, batting .417 since he was called up by the Giants.  Has also started 3 of the last 4 days.  Your league needs to be deep for Burrell to matter right now, but he’s someone to keep an eye on.  The Giants will play anyone if they give them offense.

Ted Lilly – 8 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks in 90 pitches.  He actually threw 95 pitches but he had a coupon for 5 pitches off.

Carlos Guillen – 3-for-4, and his 3rd homer of the year.  Might be getting hot, but his upside is very limited.

Raul Ibanez – 4-for-5, 2 RBIs.  Finally.  Hopefully whatever was eating Raul was left in the little boy’s room as he moves forward.  I don’t think he just suddenly got old.  Not to mention that park and that lineup…  That’s why I’ve tried to remain patient.

Mark Teixeira – 3-for-4, 2 Runs, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer.  See reasons for sticking with Ibanez then subtract 8 years off of his age.

Adam Jones – Hit his 7th homer yesterday.  When I saw he hit a homer in the box score, I thought at first Andruw Jones had been traded to the O’s.  Yeah, not a great sign.  But Adam has 2 homers in his last 7 games now.

Ryan Howard – Hit his 10th home run to keep pace with Victorino, who also has 10 homers.  Zoinks!  Or as the beer drinking baby would say *burp*

Brad Lidge – Saved his third game.  Was a nail biter, but he’s the closer until his next injury.  You can lose Contreras for now.

Matt Thornton – 1/3 IP, 5 ER.  Ouch… Wait, what?  Oh.  Ouch!

Gavin Floyd – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Earning trust back, still wouldn’t start him in his next start… Unless it was an interleague game, which it is.  If you have him, you gotta run him out there vs. the Cubs in Wrigley, where he has a 1.29 ERA over the last three years.

Armando Galarraga – 5 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks.  After the game, he was handed the keys to a brand new Kia Sportage.  Hey, it was a 5 inning, no decision.  What do you want?

I picked up Doug Fister in every league I could.  So, that’s out of the way.  I won’t start him the next time out though and I’m not sure I’ll start him ever.  I may just drop him if I never get a good matchup at home.  At home’s key.  That’s the only place I’d start him.  Last night, his 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks performance is his peak.  He pitches to contact and doesn’t K anyone.  He’s similar to Joel Pineiro.  Call him Jo-eh.  If you were the firster to get him off waivers, chuck him into a package trade for someone much more reliable or exciting.  His appeal is limited.  So, yes, I grabbed him to chuck him.  My apologies, Mister Fister.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Casey Kotchman – Hit his 2nd homer in as many days.  Going mono y mano with Soriole, Bradley Bergesen.

Franklin Gutierrez – The Big FraGu left the game in the 7th with tightness in his groin.  Ugh-arf!  That’s FraGu backwards (almost).

Conor Jackson – To the DL with a hamstring.  This is probably the best thing to happen to his owners all year.  If you’re struggling to find room for him on the DL, I’ll save you the time.  Drop him in most mixed leagues.

Kelly Johnson – 1-for-4, but Conor Jackson’s hamfret pushes Johnson into the leadoff role.  I like me some Johnson!  Not like that.  C’mon, that’s juvenile.

Gerardo Parra – 1-for-3, and now has a starting job because Conor Jackson’s injury is paying it forward.  Parra has little value outside of NL-Only leagues.  There, he’ll give you very little power and little speed.

Ty Wigginton – I mentioned grabbing him yesterday when he had four homers in the last week.  Today, he has 5.

David Eckstein – He hit a walk-off HR for San Diego.  When pressed for comment, Eckstein said it was his biggest hit since knocking out Soda Popinski.

Clayton Richard – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks.  He’s not really bad on Ks and he will have an under-4 ERA at home this year.

Brian Fuentes – Scheduled to return from the DL on Wednesday.  He should get the closer role right back.  At least I hope so since I own this doode.

John Lackey – 3 1/3 IP, 8 ER.  A’la Superintendent Chalmers, “Lack-eee!”  Honestly, this might have been Lackey’s alter ego pitching, Lon Jackey.  He pitches like he’s in a horror film.

Mike Cameron – Could miss a few games because he’s got some stones below the belt in the literal instead of colloquial sense.

Jacoby Ellsbury – May end up D’ellsburied after all.  The Sawx played Bill Hall in center yesterday.  How’s that for depth?

Jeremy Hermida – HR yesterday.  Hermida couldn’t get to a ball he should’ve, which started the scoring on Lackey.  Hermida is a poor-man’s Trot Nixon.  Call him Mosey Agnew.

Brad Penny – 7 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks.  He’s actually been one of my best pitchers so far.  Scary, yet true.

Aaron Rowand – Reports are good that Rowand won’t need surgery on his face.  Too bad Willie McGee never received the same good news.

Juan Uribe – Has two homers in the last two games.  He’s one of the streakiest hitters.  Bet he hits at least two more homers this week.

Dontrelle Willis – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks.  He seems like a good guy.  I wish him the best.  I wouldn’t touch him.

Felix Pie – Will miss up to three months with latissimus dorsi muscle injury.  I thought only dolphins had dorsi muscles.  Anyone ever see Felix Pie flinch around a can of tuna?  Eh, guess it’s not important.  I imagine Reimold’s still nursing his Achilles’ because he’s pulling a Kotchman with that thing, but he’s got one less schmohawk to deal with for playing time and he has been hitting cleanup.

Kelly Shoppach – Out for 4-6 weeks with knee surgery.  I had knee surgery once and I wasn’t able to catch for almost two months later.  Actually, that’s a complete lie, but my English Comp teacher once told me to personalize.

Brandon Morrow – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks vs. the Royals.  Now they should make him a closer!  I keed.  Morrow should be capable of more performances like this one, but he gets the Rays next and I’m officially more worried about the Rays’ offense than the Sawx’s.

Mike McCoy – 3-for-4, 2 steals.  Hill’s due back soon which will push McCoy to, well, wherever McCoys go when they’re not playing.  In the meantime, McCoy stole 40 bases in Triple-A.  As they say at Razzball, SAGNOF!

Travis Snider – 2-for-5 as he hit his 2nd homer in four games.  I think he might be a year away still, but he could be coming around; don’t sleep on him if he’s out there.

Cliff Lee – Will throw a simulated game on Tuesday.  They should use a Wii for that.

Ike Davis – 2-for-4, 1 RBI and a million New Yawkers thinking this Davis has an idear up der at bat.  If you scroll down, you’ll see a post about him.  Want more, greedy?  Okay.  The Mets announcers (I heart Keith Hernandez) were comparing Davis to John Olerud.  Davis was wearing a batting helmet at the time, but they meant it about his hitting.  Also, they meant it as a compliment, but I took it as insult.  20 homers and a good average?  I’m hoping he develops more power than that.  Either way, you should own Davis for the chance at a breakout.

Jose Reyes – Wanted the day off because of fatigue.  It’s fair after playing three plus games in two days.  Then he got in the game late and continued to do nothing.  We need to remain calm.  He had no time to ramp up to the season.  The thyroid shorted him his Spring Training.  I’m not worried.  If Reyes gets hot, he could carry you for a month.

Craig Stammen – 8 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  That Stammen is a real pistil!  What, flower jokes ain’t your thing?  Whatever.  Oh, and Stammen’s a terrible pitcher, nothing’s changed.

Kevin Mench – The Nationals gave him a minor league deal and he’s hitting so far.  If the Nats call him up, I’m booking tickets for Kevin Mench Fathead Poster day when the first 10,000 guests get life-sized posters of Kevin Mench’s head that one can affix to their wall like a giant tapestry or fresco.

Scott Podsednik – Left the team for a family emergency.  The emergency:  give his hot wife a royal f***in’ vs. playing for the f***in’ Royals.