Fantasy Baseball Advice

My dinner with Andre is over as Andre Ethier has called it kaput on his season.  It wasn’t from a lack of trying, I’ll tell ya that.  “Hey, I just want to say how much it means to me to try to help this team win even though I shouldn’t be playing.  This is my job, and I take my job very seriously, even if means I may never walk again because I’m playing when I shouldn’t be.  I will not sit, no matter what!  Unless someone asks me to sit because they realize I shouldn’t be playing.”  Andre encapsulates today’s athlete perfectly.  Team first, as long the player is okay putting team first.  For whatever reason, I wouldn’t be surprised to see Ethier overdrafted again next year.  People just can’t get enough of his 20 homer, no steal fantasy value.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Dee Gordon – 4-for-5 with his 17th steal.  He’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell.  Seems like a no-brainer, which is my specialty.

Juan Rivera – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs.  He now has 32 RBIs in 45 games with the Dodgers.  Note to self:  Use Juan Rivera at a later date to show how arbitrary RBIs are.

Chad Billingsley – 2 1/3 IP, 4 ER.  If he was a dangling Chad on your team, punch him out.

Vladimir Guerrero – 3-for-5 with his 12th homer.  After the game, he had vodka with coffee liqueur while arguing with Mark Reynolds about who was the best cosmonaut.

Chris Davis – 3-for-4.  This comes after an 0-for-10 stretch with 7 Ks.  He reminds me a bit of me at this bar the other night.  There was a point when I actually said the line, “What’s your man got to do with me?”  They don’t call me the Fantasy Master Lothario — or FML — for nothing.

Eric Chavez – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs.  When Chavez goes up to bat, the song that plays is “I Suck, Sucker,” which I wrote and sang for him.

Craig Schwinden – 5 IP, 5 ER.  In the first row at Metco was Kim Basinger, she’s a total Babraham Lincoln… Schwinden!

Jason Bay – 2-for-4 with a grand slam in the first game of the doubleheader; 1-for-2 with a steal in the 2nd.  He now has three homers in the last week.  This will help the Mets, who are preparing a video of his week’s exploits with Joe Esposito’s You’re the Best playing in the background, which they will ship around to perspective trade partners in the offseason.

Mike Minor – 5 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks and the conshellation prize.  Damn, really could used a 6 IP, 0 ER start from him, and, as always, this is all about me.

Julio Teheran – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks.  He’s gonna be good, but this was no indication of that.  The Mets and Braves both looked like they just got done playing a previous game, which they did.

Brent Morel – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and 2 homers.  You fancy mushroom!

Brent Lillibridge – Sticking with the Brent theme, Lillibridge was hit by a pitch that broke his hand.  He should’ve aqueduct’d.

Ian Kennedy – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 11 Ks, improving his record to 19-4.  Joe Kennedy would’ve been proud, then bought him an election.

Paul Goldschmidt – 2-for-4 with his 7th homer.  He’s still struggling to maintain a decent average with all the Ks, but he has two homers in the last week.

Rickie Weeks – The Brewers activated Weeks from the 15-day DL that he was on for over a month.  15-day DL, “You exploit my generosity!”

Andrew Miller – 5 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks.  I wonder who’s gonna be bumped from the Sawx rotation for the playoffs.  I mean, I have an idea.  Be weird if it’s Miller after Francona earlier in the year said, “Obviously, [Miller] is a huge part of our organization, and it’s going to stay that way.  He’s not going anywhere.”  Maybe he’ll say he was putting air quotes around his statement.

Colby Rasmus – Took live batting practice and should be good to go by early next week.  I’ve marked my I Couldn’t Care Less calendar.  We now wait.

Edwin Encarnacion – 2-for-4 with a homer.  I got a letter recently from one of our incarcerated readers, it went like this, “I don’t think you’ve given enough attention to Encarnacion.  He’s hitting the cover off the ball just as well as anyone else in the major leagues or the penal circuit.  By the way, you puta?  Yours, Boo-Boo.”

J.P. Arencibia – Hit his 22nd homer yesterday.  A catcher with power and a low average?  Oh, he’s definitely gonna be on multiple teams of mine next year.  That’s right, I’m thinking about my 2012 draft already.  Sleep on me, that pillow is where your head’ll lie.  Permanently, snitch, it’s beddy-bye, Eminem.

Ricky Romero – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Could I make R.R. Cool Jay (see resemblance to the rapper (actor?)) a starter on some of my mixed teams in 2012?  I’m contemplating it.  AL East be damned!

Chris Narveson – 5 2/3 IP, 6 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks.  He was good in this game, until he wasn’t.  Snap in the inverted W formation!

Cole Hamels – 9 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Season ERA is 2.60 and WHIP is 0.95.  Phillies are gonna be tough to beat in the playoffs.  Cust kayin’.

Chase Utley – Will sit out this weekend with what is being deemed a mild concussion.  I got one thing to relay about mild concussions… Justin Morneau called and said, “How come I’m wearing my mittens on my feet?”

Mike Carp is hitting .350 since July 1st.  (Thereabouts, I did the math in my head.  At least I think it was my head.  Hmm…)  Carp only has 4 homers, but now has two homers in the last 4 games.  He’s also hit in 11 straight games.  Finally… There’s no finally, isn’t the first three positives enough?  Mama mia, I don’t love Mariner hitters in Safeco.  It’s smothering!  In the minor leagues, he was great but it was in the PCL so divide his power by three and add a negative two.  But while Carp’s hitting, he’s worth an add across most leagues, and not just for pescetarians.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Salvador Perez – Royals catcher prospect was called up.  He has the most surreal pitch signals.  ”Is that a melted clock — oh, a changeup!”

Melky Cabrera – 2-for-3, 5 RBIs and his 14th homer.  Playing centerfield, but his season is totally out of left field.

Johnny Giavotella – 2-for-4, hitting .318 in his short time in the majors.  Now we just need his cheering section to skip the wave and do the Fist Pump.

Arodys Vizcaino - On Tuesday, the lead was Hommy Tanson, yesterday it was Jason Heyward, so I just couldn’t highlight Vizcaino.  I like sweet tea and talking garbled as much as the next guy, but Northerners would’ve started wondering where my allegiances lie.  While Arodys looks like an IM acronym for Red Sox fans, “A-Rod, You Sahck,” he’s a big-time pitching prospect for the Braves.  He breezed through the minor leagues pushing a K-rate over 9, and can be an Aroldis Chapman-type out of the bullpen, but he is crazy young.  With Vizcaino, the Braves now have two minors on the pitching staff.  In all non-keepers, I’d ignore Arodys for now.  His innings are a bit high and the Braves will probably limit him this year.  In dynasty and deep keeper leagues, grab him; he could be special.

Tommy Hanson - Tests show his shoulder is healthy enough for his next start.  His last month of starts show the tests are wrong.

Dan Uggla - 3-for-5, 2 RBIs as he pushed his hitting streak to 31 games.  Or the same number of double takes someone who just woke from a coma would have if they saw he was hitting .224 with a 31 game hitting streak.

Jason Heyward – 0-for-5 with the start as Jose Constanza went 3-for-4 with a steal.  That’ll make things better.

Curtis Granderson – 2-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 30th and 31st homer.  A Curtis hasn’t hit such high notes since Booger Presley played the mean guitar.

Ivan Nova – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 0 Ks.  Solid start, but how do you not strike out anyone?  That’s like a champale supernova.

J.J. Hardy – 4-for-5 with his 21st homer.  Sweet King Martin, Sweet Queen Coretta, Sweet Brother Hardy… Sweet Baby Jesus…

Adam Jones – 3-for-5 with his 21st homer.  Imma let you finish, but J.J. Hardy’s having the best Orioles season this year.

Adam Dunn – 0-for-4 with 3 Ks.  His average is down to .163.  He’s hitting half his weight!

Ubaldo Jimenez – 8 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks.  After his less than adequate first start for the Indians, he’s lucky he turned things around or he would’ve been Uscalpedo.

Jason Kipnis – 5-for-5, 4 runs, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer.  Here’s a good rule of thumb, if I mention a guy in a positive way more than twice in a week, add him.  Kipnis has been mentioned about five times in the last week.

Brett Lawrie – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 2nd homer in his last three games.  Definitely earning his Twitter hashtags.

Josh Willingham – 2-for-5 and his 3rd homer in 3 games.  Ended up on the A’s just because Jonah Hill likes pork, but it’s turning out okay.  While he’s hot, Willingham should be owned everywhere.

Jonathan Sanchez – 4 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Filthy Sanchez is looking a lot more like Port-A-Jon Sanchez.

Anibal Sanchez - 1 2/3 IP, 5 ER.  Should I Put A Diaper On My Fantasy Team Or Are You Done Defecating Sanchez?

Hanley Ramirez – Placed on the DL.  I’m sure he’ll do everything in his power to hurry back.  /sarcasm

Andrew McCutchen – 1-for-1, 4 runs and the delicious slam & legs.  Rudy hit me up on IM surprised to see The Dread Pirate only had 19 steals on the year.  I hit him back that I was surprised A-Gon only had 18 homers.  See, everything said in our IM chats isn’t really that interesting.

Jeff Karstens – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 9 Ks.  His last start (3 1/3 IP, 9 ER) left the cow pie on the window sill too long so the stench probably scared most off from this start.

Derrek Lee – Scratched with a sore hand.  Well, stop scratching with it!

Vance Worley- 4 IP, 6 ER.  A Worley hasn’t been hit so hard since his grandmother Jo Anne got smacked in the face by an errant window on the set of Laugh-In.

Brennan Boesch – Left yesterday’s game with a thumb injury.  So where is thumbkin?  At the hospital getting an MRI.

Alex Cobb – Having season-ending surgery to clear blockage by his rib cage.  Operating on him is a specialist by the name of Eve.

Brandon Phillips – Will miss at least five days as he tweeted yesterday that his elbow looked like a balloon.  Then some clown turned his elbow into a giraffe.

Jay Bruce – 2-for-3 with his 2nd homer in three games.  Prediction:  His end of the year stats will look solid and everyone will forgot that he couldn’t hit the broad side of a barn for two months.

Kevin Millwood – 7 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Less than average starter who will pitch his home games in Coors.  Burp.

Jesus Guzman – 2-for-4, 2 steals.  So what’s your excuse for not picking him up?  You a non-believer?

Chad Billingsley – 4 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners and three unearned runs for the always agita inducing ticker shock.

Dee Gordon – To the DL with a bruised shoulder, which isn’t nearly as tasty as a braised shoulder.

Juan Rivera – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 2nd homer on the Dodgers.  That makes him Dos Rivera.

Matt Kemp – 4-for-5 and his 30th steal.  He could be at 30/30 by the end of August.  He makes me feel like the only girl (in the world).  I’m pretty sure I grasp the use of parentheses as a way to modify, so what’s Only Girl (In the World) without the parentheses?  Only Girl?  ”I wanna hear Only Girl!”  No, that makes no sense.  It should stand alone without the parentheses.  You can Bang a Gong or you can Bang a Gong (Get It On).  You’re forwarding your gong banging.  You are upping your excitement on the gong.  The Reaper is good, (Don’t Fear) The Reaper is adding something.  ”Hey, (Don’t Fear) The Reaper.”  Now I’m at ease.  Only Girl means nothing!  You come for fantasy baseball advice, you stay for Rihanna rants.

I always thought Bobby Parnell was the little black kid in the movie, Role Models, but I stand corrected.  Now I think he’s the new closer for the Mets.  At least that’s what I hope.  On one hand, I feel like the Mets will want to see what Parnell can do in the closer role.  Why would they audition Jason Isringhausen?  He’s 50-something and was out of baseball already once in his career.  On the other hand, the Mets may want to inflate Isringhausen’s value.  “Hey, he could be a closer!  See?” On the third lesser known hand that is actually just a lamb sock puppet, the Mets may just split the duties.  Which way will they go, George, which way will they go?  This is fun!  I grabbed Parnell wherever I could, but didn’t grab Izzy cause I have just a little patience.  As for Francisco Rodriguez, well, on the way out of the locker room, K-Rod saw his nickname in the mirror and sighed.  He won’t be the closer in Milwaukee.  That’s Axford’s job.  I wouldn’t immediately drop K-Rod, but I’d ready my dropping finger.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Miguel Cabrera – After I said in my fantasy baseball top 100 for the 2nd half that Miggy would be number one unless he got injured, he goes and gets injured.  How’s dem apples?  Actually, a bit sour.  It’s not apple season, though if an apple can grow in the fall why can’t it grow in the summer?  Ah, questions, questions.  The report out of Arizona is Miggy will be fine.  He just left for precautionary reasons.  Weird to see him leave before the last call.

Brandon Allen – Or Paul Goldschmidt are supposedly due to be called up right after the All-Star break.  Allen’s a bit longer in the tooth so I think the D-Backs go with him first. In deep leagues, I like him for a power bat.  As for Miranda, he has the right to remain in Triple-A.

Cole Kimball – Going under the knife to repair a tear in his rotator cuff.  How ironic.  He had been searching for the one-armed man and all this time it was him.

Juan Rivera – The Dodgers traded for Rivera and dropped Marcus Thames and part of the reason that the Jays moved Rivera is they like Eric Thames.  It was the best of times for Thames, it was the worst of times for Thames.

Jason Bay has a strained intercostal, which is the highway that runs along Florida’s coast.  Specifically, by Palm Beach where people are old and this strained whatever-the-shizz-is happens.  If you were counting on a bounce back from J-Bay, you might want to count to yourself so you don’t annoy your cubicle neighbor.  (Neighboricle?  Who might’ve also been the person who lived next to that nice black lady in The Matrix.)  These injuries tend to linger — see Braun, Ryan for further reading — and Bay already had Metco and age to deal with.  I’m not optimistic about him being at full strength until May and even then I have my doubts about how much we’re gonna see from him.  Rudy and I are betting Scott Hairston sees time in our deep leagues, but Duda could, as well.  Though I wouldn’t Camptown Race to pick him up.  Anyway, here’s what else is going on in fantasy baseball:

Edwin Encarnacion – Will start at 3rd base with Bautista moving to the outfield.  Encarnacion is a Latin 28, and I have little faith in him hitting over .260 but he could hit 25 homers with everyday ABs.  The only problem he seems to ever have is staying healthy.  The way randoms come out of the woodwork to hit bombs in Toronto every year, I wouldn’t be surprised if this year it’s Edwin’s turn.  Not saying he’s going to hit 50 homers like some schmohawk, but if he hit 30 homers in 500 ABs it wouldn’t surprise me.

Brian Wilson – Will miss a week.  O, Sergio Romo, will see saves in his stead, man.  For those who found us Googling “O + Steadman” — you’re at the totally wrong site and your spelling is off.

Juan Rivera – Hotel and Casino gets hurt a little with Bautista moving to right field.  Rivera should see time at DH, but I imagine Lind, Snider or Arencibia could also see some time at DH.  Frankly, that team has 7 of one player, then 2 of another player (Pods, Rajai).

Ian Stewart – Sounds like Stewart will open the season on DL.  Or if Sean Connery is reading this, “Ee-yan Shtewart is hurting.  Wigginshton is the man now, dog.”

Mark Trumbo – The Sciosciapath said Trumbo won’t be an everyday player.  I’d still own him in most leagues if you have room on your bench.  It’s worth a few day flyer to see if he hits his way into the everyday lineup.  By next Monday, you drop him if he’s not doing anything.  No harm, no foul.

Stephen Drew – Had an MRI for abdominal pain, might land on the DL.  Did you know Grey can’t have an MRI because he has metal plates in his head from one of the few amusing anecdotes that didn’t make it into the (e)book?  Did you also know Grey likes to talk about himself in third person?

Mike Napoli – I might put a moratorium on Napoli questions.  He isn’t going to start every day this year.  He hasn’t started the last three years and he has 20 homers in each season.  That’s why there’s the Ron Popeil School of Catcher Management.  You set him and you forget him.

J.A. Happ – Out with an oblique injury.  Vague!  You shouldn’t have owned him anyway so maybe that pressure is why he got hurt.  You better send him a Get Well card.

Jarrod Dyson – Backup/bench option for the Royals that could have value because of his speed — SAGNOF! — if the Royals are hit by injuries.  See, Dyson is specially engineered for speed.  Most runners move only one leg at a time when they run but Jarrod Dyson moves both in a centrifugal motion that reduces friction and removes all the dirt from the infield.

Brad Lidge – Out with a partially torn rotator cuff.  He’s saying back by June, wouldn’t be surprised if we don’t see him until August.  Madson is a Cuddle Boy, and Charlie Manuel don’t like no Cuddle Boys, so he’s saying Contreras will close.  I really don’t think it’s going to be this clear cut.  Madson will get some saves, but for now Contreras is the main pick up.

Drew Storen – Has all but lost the Nats closer job, but, since Sean Burnett is the favorite for saves, I wouldn’t drop Storen.

Ronny Paulino – May hit the DL with stomach issues.  Hey, now the Yanks and Mets both have colon problems.

This year in the minors Domonic Brown had a line of 62/19/64/.323/14 and .385/.580/.965.  Let’s recap, whoa/wow/nice/yum-yum/don’t mind if I do and yowsers/that’s lovely/yowsersthat’slovely.  To break that down for the people who skimmed the first two sentences, he has 20/20 potential with plate discipline.  It’s the fantasy baseball equivalent to:  “I don’t think this glazed donut can get any better.”  “How about we sprinkle bacon on it?”  Drool.  By my estimation (and Keith Law’s), he’s the number one prospect in the minors.  (Desmond Jennings is a close 2nd in my book that was rejected by Simon & Schuster.)  Either Werth will be shown the door or Philly fans will kidnap Raul Ibanez and toss him blindfolded into the newly-constructed Octagon in Citizens Flank’s parking lot.  Is Domonic Brown more trouble than he’s Werth?  No, I don’t think so.  Unless we’re talking about spelling his name.  I’d grab Brown in 12 team mixed leagues or deeper.  In keepers, you should own him already.  If you don’t, then now might be a good time.  Or now.  Or now.  Or… You get the point.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

Psyche!  Before we head into the post, just wanted to say the Commenter and Razzball league standings were updated.  Anyway II, onto the Buy/Sell:

BUY

Alex Gordon – Is this the Alex Gordon that was called up three years ago after tearing up the minors only to flame out?  Or is this the Alex Gordon that is called up today that just got done ripping up the minors that will finally fulfill his promise?  I don’t know.  He crushed the minors this year — in 277 ABs, 14 homers, 8 steals, .310 average, .451 OBP and a 1.018 OPS.  He can be a 20+ homer, 15 steal guy over the course of a full season if he doesn’t get in his own way and the Royals give him every day ABs.  I would take a flyer on him for your corner infidel spot for the chance he finally makes good on the promise.  If you’ve heard this story before about Gordon, it’s because you probably have, so don’t drop anyone too valuable.

Chris Johnson -  He’s hitting right now and he has some power potential.  Plus, if he fails you, you can say, “Chris Johnson meet P. Johnson,” while urinating on your computer screen that’s showing your fantasy team.

Yunel Escobar – Hopefully the hand injury he sustained the other day doesn’t get in the way of the revenge he’s currently seeking on the entire Braves organization.

Starlin Castro – In one league, I’m rocking Luis Castillo in my middle infield.  I don’t tell you this because I think you should pickup Castillo or for pity.  I want sympathy!  Castro started off as a hero to millions then he left all his believers scavenging for scraps.  That commie bastard!  Now he’s hitting and stealing bases.

Neil Walker – I’m pretty lukewarm on Walker.  He looks like Coghlan at MI, which is all right.  At least right now, he’s Coghlan when Coghlan’s hitting.

Asdrubal Cabrera – I’d prefer to take an As-Cab to a Walker.

Scott Sizemore – He’s baaack!  And doing nothing like when he left. Who knew a meth’d out Tom Sizemore would be the most reliable Sizemore this year?  I’d grab Scotty for the chance he can make good on his promise.  (He promised me 14/16 in the preseason.  He’s lied thus far.)

Ty Wigginton – His ownership numbers are trending down but that’s wrong, I tell ya.  Guy gets streaky like your acid wash jeans from the 80s.  Unlike the jeans, you don’t have to deny ever owning him.

Jason Bartlett – Welcome back to 103.5 MI-ROQ, where it’s middle infielders all day and night!  Bassoon, tire screech, crazy cackling, triangle, cow bell, more cow bell and one last ding.  Don’t fahgettaBartlett!

Matt Diaz – Dye-As murders lefties, which is similar to being a lefty killer.  Play him against his strong side, sit vs. weak side.  Rinse, repeat.

Drew Stubbs – At 13/18 with a .245 average, he’s having a season that a young Krispie Young would’ve admired.

Juan Rivera -  I’ll be honest, some of these guys are hard to get excited about.  Juan Rivera’s one of those guys.  Wait, who was I talking about?  See!

Jack Cust – If you don’t know what Cust gives you, go back three places and read Matthew Berry.

Luke Scott -  Hard to recommend Scott too highly.  He’s currently hitting and he could get you some homers, but he might not play every day.  It’s like masturbating to The Golden Girls.  It’ll get the job done, but why not switch the channel?

Jordan Zimmermann – I went over J-Z in, like, the last three Buys.  Scroll around the site, will be good for pageviews.

Travis Wood – There could be some ups and downs for Wood.  Oofa!  Thank you, don’t forget to tip your waitresses.  He gets the Astros today.  Giddy up, Wood.  That’s what she said!

Pedro Alvarez – I just went over my Alvarez fantasy.  Click through, it’ll save you time because we both know how busy you are.

J.J. Putz – SAGNOF!

Matt Thornton -  See 1/8th of an inch above.

Sergio Santos – Nothing comes between me and my Sergio Santos.  Except maybe Putz and Thornton.  I’d grab them, in the order I’ve listed them.

Chris Perez – We have to assume Wood will take over when he returns.  But Perez could have the closer job for the rest of the season if Wood is traded.  But II, Making A But Out Of Nothing At All:  Even if Wood returns, he’s far from secure.

SELL

Mike Leake – Even Dusty can’t continue to throw Leake as he flies past a reasonable innings limit.  Dusty’ll put him in Harang’s uniform then send him back to the mound.

Kris Medlen – I love me some Medlen.  We practically grew up together.  Or maybe it was just that I owned him in a few fantasy leagues for a few months.  Neverthehoo!  Medlen’s having his innings limited, it’s hard to own that, unfortunately.

Phil Hughes – The Yankees have limited Hughes to 4 starts in the past month and will probably keep him close to the same workload moving forward.  It’s Hughes Rules… Skip him for a start then let him throw a mediocre 5 inning game.

Josh Beckett – Right after he goes against the hapless M’s tonight, you write something like this on your league messageboard, “Now that Beckett is doing great, I have an excess of starters that I want to trade.  Will trade everyone but Beckett because I really believe him… Unless someone makes a good offer.”  Then you take any offer you get for Beckett.  That’s ygolohcysp, baby!