I’ve read a few pieces recently about how stolen bases are down across MLB. As long as steals are a category they will have value, and if steals are indeed down compared to previous years, then they just become that much more valuable. The guy who is currently second in all of baseball in steals, Juan Pierre, is still owned in less than half of the leagues out there. This is kind of confusing to me. If we hit the wire to grab a guy who is in line for saves, or we’ll stream a pitcher hoping for a win, shouldn’t we grab Juan Pierre?

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We’ve all been told to be patient with our fantasy stars in the early going. As a Giancarlo Stanton owner, I was rewarded for my patience as Stanton finally did what I have been waiting for him to do since draft day… he stole his first base (against the Reds, too). Snarkiness aside, let’s look at one of Stanton’s teammates, Juan Pierre, who is probably sitting on your waiver wire as we speak.

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Yesterday, Yovani Gallardo was arrested for a DUI. So that explains why his pitches are all over the place! He blew a 0.22. That’s six-plus runs better than his ERA. Gallardo’s mugshot looks like a still from a PSA. “More than 79% of Americans feel the most significant social problem facing America is the physical absence of a decent 1st baseman.” “I’m Yovani, and our 1st baseman is Alex Gonzalez some days. Other days, it’s Yuniesky Betancourt. Please stop this needless crime against run support.” I wonder if he was driving home from the Miller Brewery tour, because it’s awesome, but, man, you should not drive after that. “If I draw a mouth on my forehead and stand upside down, then I’d have two mustaches.” That’s me towards the tail end of the Miller tour. Well, Yovani does pitch for the Brewers. What did you expect? Guess we should be happy he doesn’t pitch for the Crack Rockies. For fantasy baseball, this doesn’t mean much. Pray Gallardo returns from a DUI as successfully as Miguel Cabrera. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

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The Cardinals said Edward Mujica ‘could be tried as closer.’ That’s obviously after everyone else has been tried and found guilty of sucking. Matheny said, “I’d rather kill a possum in front of La Russa, than have a lead in the 9th inning with the crap we have.” Okay, that was me reading between the lines. He actually said, “See what happens next time we get there. Right now, Mujica’s making good pitches and getting the big outs when we need them.” He never referred to Mujica as the closer. Maybe because he was afraid of spooking him. How do you scare the beejesus out of a Cardinals reliever? Call them closer. *rim shot, triangle, kazoo* I don’t think Mujica is the de facto closer, but I don’t know what de facto means. Is that Spanish? Hernando De Facto was the first to cross the Mississippi, right? Yesterday, Boggs came into the 9th inning, but it was a 4-run lead and when he got into trouble the Cards started warming up Mujica. The writing is on the wall, and it says, “Mujica is next.” I’d grab Mujica and continue to hold Boggs (on my bench). It may just turn out that Edward is The Last of the Mujica’s in the Cards’ pen. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

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Why hello there. This article will look at the position battles in each division. Today’s topic, for the rare reader that ignores the title, is the NL East. By the way, I’m all in on non-Marlins pitchers in the NL East. Do any of those lineups look devastating? Not really. And you’ll probably get a win each time they face the Marlins. Anyway, here’s some of the position battles to keep an eye on in the NL East:

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You remember when I started these top twenty 2013 fantasy baseball rankings. We were over-the-internet friends still. Then we had that disagreement about where I ranked Matt Kemp and I said I’m sorry, and you called me a stupid, what-and-what. We were younger then, with our whole month of January in front of us. Now, here we are at the top 80 outfielders for 2013 fantasy baseball and there’s only one more hitter post ranking to come, unless you count the DH’s, but DH’ing is for sissies and guys nicknamed after animals. All of the rankings are under the 2013 fantasy baseball rankings thing-a-ma-whosie. If you’d like, I can list each one of them again. Maybe soon. After you apologize for saying mean things about my Cougar, who I proposed to yesterday. Sorry, four girl readers, I’m off the market for at least the next 47 months, according to the National Council of Family Values. Anyway, here’s the top 80 outfielders for 2013 fantasy baseball:

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Yesterday, Pablo Sandoval hit two homers, and his third in two days to bring his season total to 11.  The other day when Alberto Callaspo hit his 10th homer, I went into our Fantasy Baseball Player Rater to see who had been more valuable this year, Alberto Callaspo or Pablo Sandoval.   Please, blog, may I have some more?

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Vicente Padilla had this to say recently to Telemundo about Mark Teixeira, “He should play a women’s sport.  When he hits a home run, he can take off his jersey and slide on his knees around the bases… Then, while he’s on his knees, well, let’s just say in my home country, we’d make him a bucket… And, if he wants to cry about me pitching him inside, he can cry into a sanitary napkin.   Please, blog, may I have some more?

Please, blog, may I have some more?