Fantasy Baseball Advice

Drew Storen had arm discomfort… About two weeks ago.  He hasn’t pitched in a game since March 7th and had soreness in his biceps playing catch yesterday.  Playing catch?  What, the Nats doing a video for Cat’s in the Cradle?  He should be pitching, not playing catch.  So that’s one red flag.  The bigger red flag with a skull and crossbones is obviously soreness from playing catch.  That’s awesome for a young reliever who was used a lot last year (75 1/3 IP).  Two days ago, Davey Johnson said Storen wasn’t throwing because he had strep throat.  So does he have strep arm now?  Johnson said he’s not worried about Storen.  Davey lies… Davey lies when he cries and implies Storen is still his prize…  In all but the shallowest leagues, I’d grab Tyler Clippard, who sounds like a captain in the America’s Cup.  For those in deeper leagues or feeling light on saves, I’d grab Lidge.  I think Storen will ultimately be fine, but better safe than sorry as they say in the Clichè Hall of Fame, which is located on Main Street in Capital City.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in spring training for 2012 fantasy baseball:

Joe Blanton – Report out of Philly is they aren’t motivated to trade Blanton.  Sounds like when your garbage piles up and you can’t motivate to throw it out.  Maybe we’ll see the Phillies on the new season of Hoarders.

Ryan Howard – Without a walking boot, he took grounders yesterday while sitting on a stool.  Maybe he’s hoping he can be the Bill Cosby of 1st baseman.  “I was taking ground balls with my manager, Man-yoo-el.  Man-yoo-el is great; he gave me chocolate cake!”

Ryan Madson – Threw twenty pitches in a simulated game, then left with pain in his elbow.  Wow, and Dusty hasn’t even managed him in a game yet.  He just points his toothpick at pitchers’ elbows and they go down.  This is starting to sound like Sean Marshall is gonna be the closer for the Reds on Opening Day.  Yes, he should be owned too.

Juan Pierre – Has been caught stealing three times in five attempts in the spring.  Is there anything sadder than a steals-only guy who can no longer steal?  That’s not rhetorical.  Really, is there?

Neftali Feliz – Rangers are reporting that Feliz threw with no issues.  To incorrectly paraphrase Modest Mouse, this is bad news for people who like bad news about starters they don’t want to own.

Carlos Marmol – Will return on Monday.  Will close until July.  Will be traded to a contender to be an eighth inning set-up man.  It’s a feeling I have.

Mark Reynolds – The O’s are talking about trading him.  Looks like the O’s management got the letter in the bottle that was dropped in the Atlantic about thirteen years ago that read, “Go young, you have no chance of competing right now.”

Adam Dunn – Sticking with the newly established donkey theme, Dunn hit two homers yesterday.  In 1970, Boog Powell hit 35 homers and won the MVP at the age of 28.  The next year, he struggled to hit 22, then 21, 11 and 12 before having one final (Berkman-type resurgence) with 27 homers in 1975, then he was out of baseball at the age of 35.  Frank Howard hit 44 homers at 33, then 26 homers the next year and pretty much out of baseball at 35.  Greg Luzinski hit 35 homers at the age of 27.  At 28, he hit 18.  Then nothing for 4 years (had a Berkman resurgence year), then out of baseball at 33.  Mo Vaughn went from MVP contender to retired.  The history of the big-bellied isn’t great when they start to age.  Dunn is 32 years old.  I wouldn’t be surprised if he was out of baseball at the age of 35.  Can Dunn come back and hit 25 homers this year?  It’s possible.  It’s gonna come with a .240 or lower average.  We’re not going to see 40 homers from The Big Donkey again.

Desmond Jennings – Could be out until next week, but he should have plenty of time to be ready for Opening Day.  Or as they call it in the Albright household, O’Jennings Day.

Dustin Pedroia – Left the game after being hit on the forearm.  He didn’t want to leave, but Bobby Valentine insisted.  Then Pedroia nipped at his ankles and Bobby put a cone on his head.  Pedroia should be back in a few days.

Kendrys Morales – In his first action with the Angels since his limp-off home run, he got two hits.  Small victories are good.  They’re especially good for Morales who celebrates big victories like an idiot.

Tyler Greene – The Cards look like they’re going to start Greene at 2nd base and in the leadoff slot (with Furcal somewhere at the bottom of the order).  Greene feels like a guy that someone in an NL-Only league will either get lucky drafting or will want to drop by week two.

Tyler Colvin – Hitting near .400 in spring training.  That means nothing, as does Colvin in most leagues.  However, I wouldn’t be shocked if we get into the first week of the season and Blake is benched (or injured), Cuddyer goes to 3rd and Colvin is playing the outfield and becomes one of the hottest adds.  It’s a thought to stash next to your rolling papers.

Scott Baker – Yesterday, he threw in a minor league game.  So he pitched Twins batting practice?

Justin Morneau – 3-for-33 this spring.  Feels like old times!

Lorenzo Cain – Now has four homers and is batting .486 in the spring.  Cain…Sugar!’s not yet on any of my teams, but I think I might need to reach for him in one league.  Bourgeois, you’ve been Marx’d down!

Billy Butler – Hit his third homer of the spring as he has an insane 1.258 OPS over 39 at-bats.  They don’t call him Mr. Grapefruit for nothing.

Pedro Alvarez – Ah, my old heartthrob, is playing like there’s a reason why he’s not my new heartthrob.  It looks likely M.C. Gehee will be playing 3rd base.  The Pirates get the gas face.

Erik Bedard – Named Pirates Opening Day starter.  The Pirates then added, “If he’s healthy.”

David Wright – Took BP and said, “I feel about as good as I’d feel, I guess, picking up a bat for the first time in a few weeks.  Hopefully it gets better from here result-wise.  But just being out there and being able to go through a full day and a full round of batting practice and not feeling anything, that’s pretty good.”  I’ll read between the lines for you.  ”I was swinging at about 50% against a soft-tossing BP pitcher and I still didn’t really get good swings on the ball.  It was sure nice to see the fellas after going through three weeks of testing done by a Met doctor who had a degree from a med school in Guam.  I wonder if there’s bears in Guam and if they call them Guamy Bears.”

Jon Niese – Got an offseason nose job because Beltran used to make fun of him.  It’s not the first time that a Mets outfielder led to drugs being applied to a Mets pitcher’s nose.

Fausto Carmona – Or as his birth certificate says, Roberto Hernandez Heredia, is scheduled to throw 80 pitches at the Indians’ academy in the Dominican Republic.  Afterwards at the academy, Carmona will take classes like “Ethics In Nomenclature and Age” and “Nutrition:  It’s a Real Word.”

After the top 20 outfielders for 2012 fantasy baseball, guess what we have here?  The top something-something’s? Cute, random italicized voice.  We have the top 40 outfielders for 2012 fantasy baseball.  That’s right, Wonderful just gave birth to Awesome.  Wanna hear something even awesomier?  I’m going to turn this to 60 then 80.  Hopefully I don’t blow my amp.  The hardest part about writing these 2012 fantasy baseball rankings posts is writing this opening.  Trying to make the clerical stuff sound less clerical, ya know?  So I just copied the openings from previous years where applicable.  As with other rankings, where I see tiers beginning and ending are mentioned along with my projections.  Anyway, here’s the top 40 outfielders for 2012 fantasy baseball:

21. Drew Stubbs – This tier started in the top 20 outfielders for 2012 fantasy baseball.  This tier goes from here until Kendrick.  I call this tier, “I’ll happily reach for one of these guys if I have to, in the non-sexual way.  Though it’s kinda sad this is the third tier of outfielders that I’m excited about.  Times is tough, yo.”  Stubbs isn’t really the same player as Fellatio Upton, so I battled with how to get him out of the same tier.  I battled myself by dunking my hands in two bowls of Jell-O, then thumb-wrestling myself to a ten round draw.  I ended up figuring it was fine to put Stubbs in the same tier but below him.  2012 Projections:  80/17/55/.240/40

22. Krispie Young – Krispie is another guy that I kinda wanted to move to another tier and he’s even pretty far below Stubbs (though it sure doesn’t seem that way in these rankings).  What Krispie has going for him that Beej and Stubbs don’t is 25-plus homer power.  He’s pretty seriously deficient in average though, and when I’m saying that compared to Stubbs and Upton, it’s saying something.  Grey said, “Something.”  See?  2012 Projections:  85/25/80/.235/25

23. Jason Heyward – This is probably the furthest I’m out on a limb with an outfielder.  He could be a worse pick than Markakis.  Last year Heyward hurt his shoulder, then Glass Chipper started questioning his manhood even though Chipper invented the oblique just so he could miss 40 games a year.  Heyward’s BABIP was obscenely low so he should hit at least 40 points higher without much effort.  Hitting for a better average with a healthier shoulder should help him build confidence, move him up in the order and hit for more power.  You could blend those variables together and you may end up with a wheatgrass/kale antioxidant health drink that is supposed to be good for you but just makes you want to vomit.  If at any point in the spring there’s news that his shoulder is still bothering him, I’ll drop him way down in the rankings.  2012 Projections:  80/22/90/.280/10

24. Howie Kendrick – I went over Kendrick’s projections in the top 20 2nd basemen for 2012 fantasy baseball.

25. Shin-Soo Choo – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Gordon.  I call this tier, “I could see myself missing out on these guys because others are believing them more than me.” Most ‘perts are looking at Choo’s 2011 as an aberration.  That wasn’t Soo Choo, that was Soju.  An Asian flush with bad luck.  So last year he had a .317 BABIP (off his career rate, but not really that terrible), a 1o.4% HR/FB (again, not hideous), a 10.1% walk rate (not bad) and a 21.8% K-rate (around his career rate).  He missed a bunch of games because of injury.  If he’s healthy, he’s back to the 17-20 homer, 17-20 steal guy.  Yay.  I don’t know; it’s all right.  I’m not excited to draft him.  2012 Projections:  80/17/85/.280/17

26. Carl Crawford – Last year, things started poorly and went from bad to Mad Libs in the cliche.  Slumps get into guys’ heads and if there isn’t a big girl around to have sex with that slump can last longer than anyone wants.  I’m willing to ignore last year.  Really, I am.  Then the wrist surgery this offseason.  Damn, that wrist got me pist.  Red Sox are reporting he should be ready for Opening Day.  I’m reporting he’s going to miss a month.  There’s a small silver lining.  His wrists aren’t his legs.  Hey, I should’ve gotten better than a C in Human Anatomy!  If he falls, I could see gambling on him, but it’s probably not going to happen if you follow my rankings.  2012 Projections:  75/10/70/.280/30

27. Alex Gordon – Here’s what I said at the end of last year for Gordon, “Gordon’s line this year was 101/23/87/.303/17.  Terrific!  Wonderful!  Tonderific!  But if you peek under the hood, things aren’t as they seem.  His BABIP is .358, easily a career high in the majors.  His walk rate and line drive rate dropped from last year, and his ground ball rate nudged up.  His homers and speed look about right, but if luck goes against him those two categories could get affected.  He’s probably much closer to a .280 hitter with 17-20 homers and 12-15 steals.  With just a tad bad luck, he becomes a fifteen homer guy with 10 steals and a .265 average.  That’s far from spectacular.  That’s spectaculess.  I just made that up; you like it?  You use it.”  And that’s me quoting me!  2012 Projections:  85/20/100/.280/12

28. Brett Gardner – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Rasmus.  I call this tier, “I’m targeting these guys for my teams.  They might all end up getting sleeper posts.  You’ve been forewarned.  (Bee tee dubya, the projections in this tier are a bit optimistic, but I’m sick of hiding my excitement.  Let me free-ball and show you my love!)”  I’m unabashedly a fan of Gardner, which makes very little sense if you’ve read this site for an extended period of time because usually I ignore SAGNOF’ers and just grab one later or off waivers.  To me, Gardner is underrated, which is odd because Yankees are usually overrated.  Gardner is just an enigma wrapped inside a riddle inside a fortune cookie that reads, “Person who sleeps with scratchy rear wakes with smelly finger.” 2012 Projections:  105/8/50/.280/50

29. Jayson Werth – Ponder this, guys and three girl readers, is Werth that different from Corey Hart?  Okay, stop pondering it, your eyes are crossing.  He’s not hitting 35+ homers again like he used to in Citizens Flank, but he should also be better than last year and the Nats offense is looking solid.  Yeah, I know how weird that sounds.  Don’t point out the obvious.  2012 Projections:  75/22/90/.265/15

30. Logan Morrison – His Isolated Power was .221.  Dan Uggla’s was .220.  Paul Konerko’s .217.  Jay Bruce’s .217.  Logan Morrison only hit 23 homers last year.  He missed almost 40 games last year because of injuries and his inability to put the cone of silence on his Twitter account.  He’ll only be 24 years old for the better part of 2012 and the Miami Marlins revamped their lineup by throwing some fabulous moolah around for a World Series ring.   2012 Projections:  60/25/75/.270/5

31. Michael Cuddyer – Went over Cuddyer’s projections in the top 20 2nd basemen for 2012 fantasy baseball.

32. Peter Bourjos – What does it mean that Bourjos is ranked this high?  It means we’re all screwed.  Sorry, don’t mean to yell fire in the theater of Razzball, but outfield is shallower than a conversation with a Kardashian.  I already went over my Bourjos 2012 fantasy.  I wrote it while refusing to eat at Subway because it reeks of onions.  2012 Projections: 85/15/50/.255/35

33. Alex Rios – I wrote an Alex Rios 2012 fantasy post.  It pained me to write that post and I hope you forgive me but I felt like it needed to be said.  Now please forget the apology if I’m right or forget that I wrote the post if I’m wrong.  Thanks, over-the-internet friend!  2012 Projections:  75/17/85/.270/22

34. Colby Rasmus – I’m out on serious limbs with some the players’ rankings in this tier.  Just when you thought I was totally out of my gourd with my Rios ranking, here’s Rasmus about 35 spots ahead of where I see some other ‘perts ranking him.  The key thing with drafting is you are drafting for the upcoming year, don’t try and put together a team that would’ve kicked serious booty while bagging last year’s doubloons.  That’s not going to win you something, but hopefully I just learned you something.  Hey, that sounds like a rhyme Pitbull would make.  Blah blah blah Kodak, blah blah blah Kodak.  2012 Projections:  85/22/70/.265/10

35. Corey Hart – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Ethier.  I call this tier, “I’ll reluctantly draft these guys, but I’d rather not.”  On first glance, Corey Hart’s season last year looks okay.  On second glance, his 2010 season of 31 homer, 7 steal 2010 and 2011 of 26/7 look remarkably similar — he simply had 15 less games last year.  On third glance, you see his fly ball rate plummeted and start to think his homer per fly ball rate is unsustainable.  On fourth glance, you start to wonder why you’re looking at Corey Hart’s numbers four times.  On fifth glance, there is no fifth glance.  On sixth glance, you think about how he may not break 75 runs or RBIs without Prince Fielder, fifty games of The Hebrew Herpes and the invariably injured Weeks.  On seventh glance, you accidentally hypnotize yourself and begin to cluck like a chicken in front of an audience of strangers.  2012 Projections:  75/24/70/.265/8

35 1/2. Yoenis Cespedes – I went over my Yoenis Cespedes fantasy while studying for Jeopardy!  2012 Projections: 65/20/80/.250/12

36. Nick Markakis – The last four years his homer totals have been 20, 18, 12, 15.  One of these years he may stand up and say he is Sparkakis, but until then I don’t care to gamble on a guy that is averaging 16 1/4 homers a year.  I mean, who ever even heard of quarter homers?  Those are singles, Nick.  Elevate the ball.  2012 Projections:  80/18/85/.295/10

37. Ben Zobrist – Went over Zobrist’s projections at the top 20 2nd basemen for 2012 fantasy baseball post.

38. Andre Ethier – This tier that I’m planning on missing makes an already shallow outfield that much more shallow.  I get that.  That’s why I named this tier, “I’ll reluctantly draft…”  I don’t like Ethier, but I can’t turn my nose up at dozens of guys this year.  I don’t buy into Ethier bouncing back to being a top 20 outfielder.  I say if you draft him, you’re going to get a top 30 outfielder at best.  That means he’s ranked near his ceiling.  Opportunity costs will probably have me looking elsewhere.  Hypothetical things that have no weight need to be weighed.  It’s all very scientific.  2012 Projections:  70/22/85/.295

39. Torii Hunter – This is a new tier.  This tier ends at Vernon Wells then starts again in the top 60 for 2012 fantasy baseball so I can sneak in the SAGNOF tier.  I call this tier, “Vets that I’m either lukewarm about or slightly more than lukewarm about.  Read the temperature gauge.”  The guys in this tier are mostly okay, unless you draft your team then get in a DeLorean and play out your fantasy league in 2004.  Then they’re awesome!  Maybe one of the guys in this tier has a Lance Berkman 2011 year.  There always seems to be one, but don’t say you know which guy it is — someone might be listening.  If I had to bet on a surprising year from one vet, I’d go with Torii Hunter.  Lineup’s going to be the best he’s had in a while and he can lamp in the outfield.  Will he definitely surprise like that doode from Community coming out with one of the best albums of 2011?  Nah, but the Torii Hunter gambino won’t cost you much.  2012 Projections:  80/24/90/.270/7

40. Vernon Wells – Cause crazy talk isn’t just something that I reserve for Alex Rios, I also wrote a Vernon Wells sleeper post.  No, there will be no sleeper post about Todd Helton, but that’s funny and sarcastic.  You’re a double threat!  2012 Projections:  75/25/85/.260/8

40 1/16. Michael Bourn – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until the end of this post.  I call this tier, “SAGNOF!”  I just throw all these schmohawk steals guys in the same tier, because, well, frankly, interjection, they’re the same shizz.  Bourn gets you nothing but steals.  If you think that’s a smart way to build a team, I got a Lorenzo Cain, Michael Brantley or yadda³ off waivers that says you should follow the SAGNOF theorem of evolution that says these guys ain’t got no face.  Double negatives being damned, and all.  2012 Projections:  90/2/40/.280/50

40 1/8. Emilio Bonifacio – I went over Bonifacio’s projections in the top 20 shortstops for 2012 fantasy baseball.

40 1/4. Coco Crisp – Coco Crisp could be a cheap Brett Gardner.  Yes, I’m being cereal.  2012 Projections:  65/7/50/.260/35

40 what/fraction-is-this? Nyjer Morgan – Or should I say Tony Plush?  I could see a scenario where Morgan gets confused by not seeing Fielder and Braun and steals two bases in one inning for two different teams.  Sorta like a Joel Youngblood move, only crazier.  2012 Projections:  65/3/30/.270/27

40 3/4. Juan Pierre – Doesn’t have a team yet, but if he gets an everyday job then he’ll give you the usual.  If you don’t know what Juan Pierre gives you fantasy-wise, I have a copper-plated zinc portrait of Lincoln to sell you for $19.99.  2012 Projections:  85/1/40/.285/30

40 7/8. Rajai Davis – Doesn’t have a starting job right now, but didn’t last year and stole 34 bases.  Nothing like a basestealer that has a walk rate under 5%.  Rajai, you can’t steal first base, but you can throw your elbow into a pitch or two.  Keep that in mind.  2012 Projections:  40/1/20/.260/30

On this episode of Solid Goldschmidt, we have Neil Young performing, “I’ve Been Searchin’ For a Heart of Goldschmidt,” and later the nursery rhyme, “John Jacob Paul Goldschmidt, His Name Is On My Buy List Too,” song by Various Artists.  Well, I’m just full of Goldschmidt!  Goldschmidt may have Growing Pains but don’t call him Tracey.  Okay, breathe, Grey, you got puns… Breathe!  Remove the cigarette and put on the oxygen mask — stat!  When Goldschmidt was called up, trades were going down — the end of July is kind of a big deal! — so Goldschmidt never got his lead.  Well, here we are.  Paul Goldschmidt hit 30 homers in Double-A this year with 9 steals.  Go for the Goldschmidt!  Geez, I’m trying to stop.  In most mixed leagues where you’re struggling with your corner infidel, I’d give him a shot.  There’s Goldschmidt in dar hills!  Okay, done.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Derek Holland – I’m not a huge fan of borderline Ranger starters.  Sorry, Nolan.  Their home park is Coors South.  Seems like at any moment Holland could give up seven earned runs in two-thirds of an inning.  Now that I’ve undersold (underbought?) him, he does have three shutouts in his last five starts.

Brett Cecil – Member what I said earlier today?  Actually, I’m writing this before I said anything, but I’m sure I’ll say something.  I always do.  Oh, Grey.

Ivan Nova – 5 IP, 1 ER or 6 IP, 4 ER.  That would be my exacta box if I had to choose Nova’s next start.

James McDonald – I almost called him James McStreamer.  He’s been solid for the last two months, besides a start in Citizens Flank and yesterday.  Can’t hold that against him; a lot better pitchers have been hit hard in Philly and yesterday’s start was four earned on four hits, that’s just mistimed big hits.

Alex Cobb – The Tampa Bay Peach has an ERA of 2.79, a WHIP of 1.20 and he gets those not-so-Athletics tomorrow.  Yes, please and why not?

Charlie Furbush – Then after you pick him up you can cheer him on, “I love Furbush!” and your significant other can overhear and misunderstand you like in an O. Henry story and throw out her razors.

Jason Kipnis – Nothing says nourishing like some homers from Kipnis and a side of stuffed derma.

Brett Lawrie – Hope you didn’t miss out on him to the guy in your league that owns Desmond Jennings.  People will point and laugh at you.  Can you handle that sort of ridicule?

Chris Davis – It’s easy to look past his three years of failed hitting…Actually, it’s not easy to look past it.  His grandmother Ann B. Davis would be very disappointed, and she’s fun-loving and carefree.  If you’re really struggling at a corner slot, you could do worse (though not much, potentially).

Eric Young Jr. – Playing and stealing… Because he can! (And Tracy’s playing him and he’s fast.)

Eduardo Nunez – In one of my deepish leagues, someone dropped Eduardo Nunez.  On one hand, I understand it.  He’s not doing all that much.  Then on the other hand, he can slot in at MI and steal bases.  Then on the the third lesser known hand that is actually just a big ear, you should probably play the hot hand… Wait, another hand?  Now I’m confused.

Rafael Furcal – Member when he was good?  Yeah, I faintly do too.  Was a while ago.  He looks like he’s hitting now between DL stints, so it’s worth a flyer.

Dee Gordon – See Eric Young Jr. or an inch above.

Josh Willingham – The other white meat is hot with a side order of hot schmotato.

J.D. Martinez – The only thing standing between you and J.D. Martinez is the common sense that says don’t pick up an Astros hitter.  I get it, but in some deep NL-Only leagues you have no choice.

Mike Carp – He keeps hitting but without power because he plays in one of those godforsaken ballparks that end in -co.  We’ve cleaned baseball of steroids… Now move the fences in 100 feet!  I miss 70 homer seasons.  (Yet, no one thought it was weird at the time.  70 homers?!)

Lucas Duda – If I keep touting him, people are gonna start to think I really like this schmohawk.  I mean, he’s a’ight.  The preceding was taught in Hedging Your Fantasy Advice 101 at the Fantasy Baseball College of Charleston.  You, “This guy is a fraud.  I’ve done Google searches and the Fantasy Baseball College of Charleston appears nowhere except on this site.  I tried Bing and it doesn’t show up there either.  What gives, Grey?  This isn’t a ruse, is it?  I can’t handle ruses.”

SELL

Danny Espinosa – I’ll be honest, I hate doing these Sells.  The Buys either hit or they don’t and you drop them.  The Sells require you to drop them, then they get hot out of nowhere and you end up sending me anthrax.  With that said, Espinosa’s doing a whole lot of nothing.  He’s dug himself a hole — and I mean a hole literally and figuratively — and the best I see from him is maybe 6 more homers, a few steals and a lousy average.  You can probably find that elsewhere, unless your league is so deep you can’t.  These are decisions for you to make.  Or not.

Rajai Davis – In most leagues, you want someone who is going to steal bases AND (caps for emphasis, not aesthetics) play every day.  Right now, Davis is on the outside looking in on a Jays lineup that is filled with one outfielder, two 3rd basemen and six DHs.

Jordan Zimmermann – I told you to trade him a little over a month ago. Now you’re lucky to get the Padres top prospect, Nadir Bupkis.

Anibal Sanchez – Has nearly a 5.00 ERA in the last month and a half.  BTW, you think Anibal and Gaby Sanchez ever double date with two girls named Kevin and Bob?

Juan Pierre – Has 4 steals in the last two months.  Or one less than Eric Young Jr. in the last week.  Since we started this post with a nod to Kanye, let’s end it the same way, “You’ve been putting up for Alex Rios for way too long…. Kenny Williams is so gifted at findin’ what you don’t like the most…  So I think it’s time for us to have a toast… Let’s have a toast for Juan Pierre who stopped stealing bags… Let’s have a toast for Adam Dunn who’s in an o-for-78 hole… Let’s have a toast for Alex Rios who raised the white flag… Let’s have a toast for Gordon Beckham who didn’t have the decency to take a day off…”

Collin Cowgill sounds like a Texas radio personality or a DC Comic character, but is actually the Diamondbacks’ fifth round pick from 2008 that is killing the minor leagues.  (That’s the urbandictionary killing, which is actually good.  I’m hip, snitches!)  In 97 games, 13 homers and 29 steals with a .354 average.  It was in the PCL though, where they pump helium into their stadiums.  And, now, guess what?  Well, he’s getting called up, I mean that’s obvious, isn’t it?  Why else am I talking about him?  In deeper leagues, I’d grab Cowgill to see if he can translate his power and speed combo to the majors.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Ian Kinsler – 4-for-6, 4 RBIs and his 16th homer.  Andrus went 3-for-6, 2 RBIs; Hamilton 2-for-4, 3 RBIs; Napoli 4-for-5; Cruz 4-for-6; Young hit a homer.  Frankly, the Rangers scoring summary was denser than David Foster Wallace footnotes.

Chris Davis – 0-for-6 while the Rangers scored 20 runs.  That is an incredible ticker tease.  It almost seems mathematically impossible it’s so epic.  Though Davis is more like a career tease.  He wears low cut skirts and a chastity belt.  (BTW, Davis also had two errors.  Too bad none of my fantasy teams have a slot for a futility player.)

Pedro Alvarez – 1-for-3 yesterday as he was promoted after Alex Presley was seen leaving the building.  I think the Pirates and Pedro agreed to forget that the first half ever happened.  Pirates collective voice, “Pedro, just hit like you did last 2nd half.  We’ll blame the first half on one of the many subpar 3Bs we’ve had over the years.  Pedro Alvarez, nah?  That was Jose Hernandez.  Or Andy LaRoche.  Or Jose Bautista– Oops, can’t use that one anymore.”

James McDonald – 5 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 9 Ks.  He was in last Friday’s Buy/Sell.  He was on the left side, which is the right side.  Weird!

Chipper Jones – 2-for-4 with a slam and legs as he returned from the DL.  Unfortunately, this is Glass Chipper we’re talking about and he was removed from the game with a tight quad.  I’d say he’s day-to-day, but with Chipper it’s more like minute-to-minute.

Cliff Lee – 4 IP, 5 ER vs. the Padres in Philly.  Imagine the Padres called a hitter-friendly stadium home?  Then they’d have mediocre pitching to go along with mediocre hitting.

R.A. Dickey – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. Mike Leake (6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks).  How do they have a Dickey/Leake matchup and not have former Reds pitching coach, Dick Pole, throw out the first pitch?  Okay, okay.  Instead of saying a ball was hit up the middle, the announcers should’ve said it went through the vas deferns.  All right, all right.  When Dickey was facing Leake, did he shake off the curve?  Okay, that’s enough.  Geez.

Jason Isringhausen – Got another save, but you should wait until the trading deadline to drop Parnell.  That’s me reiterating me!

Dan Haren – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks.  Finally someone snuck in and changed his calendars back to June.  See, you don’t need acne to get proactive.

Jason Kubel – 2-for-4 and a homer.  I’m not a huge fan, but if you’re struggling for power, wouldn’t hurt to try Kubel.

Ezequiel Carrera – 0-for-3.  Know what would be utterly fantastic?  If the guy whose name is Spanish for squirrel, would run like one.  Stop worrying about your Amish morals and steal a base, Ezequiel!

Fausto Carmona – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks.  I wouldn’t own Fausto in any league so this isn’t about him.  Do you get the sense the Indians are hoping they lose some games so they don’t have to pretend to trade for players?

Carlos Lee – 1-for-4 with a grand slam.  2nd day in a row with a homer.  Looks like Chuck Lee is the Flavor Flav of the week for power.

Colby Rasmus – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs with his 2nd homer in two games.  You can keep beating down Colby, but he’s a Survivor.

Yadier Molina – The youngest member of the Flying Molina Bros. has now hit a homer in three straight games.

Lance Berkman – Big Puma is out for a day or two with a rotator cuff strain.  Coincidentally, my Mercury Cougar’s out for a day or two with an alternator issue.  Nothing a little mustache grease can’t fix.

Jose Altuve – 3-for-4, now hitting .412 since his call up.  If you’re having issues with your middle infidel, could be worth the flyer.

Mark Buehrle – 6 IP, 0 ER, 11 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Season ERA at 3.22.  Him and Danks are like Trader Joe’s wine.  Are you impressing anyone with it?  Nope, but it does get the job done and it’s not as bad as you think.

Sergio Santos – Didn’t get the save because Ozzie had Sale open the ninth in a 3-run game.  After the game, Ozzie tweeted, “My H2H opponent has Santos.  #sorryputas”

Juan Pierre – 2-for-5 with his 16th steal and 12th caught stealing.  Jonah Hill in Moneyball would not be impressed.

Jason Vargas – 4 IP, 4 ER.  I said this last time, but not everyone reads every day.  I get it, you have to tend to your crops in Farmville.  Either way, Vargas is no longer ownable in most mixed leagues.

Kevin Youkilis – Left Monday’s contest with hamstring tightness.  The Jewish Youkilis should know better than to mess with hamstrings.

Desmond Jennings – 2-for-4 with his 3rd steal.  I’m gonna photocopy Jennings’ face onto a thousand doilies and fashion a dress out of it, then walk around singing, “Don’t mess with my Desmond Tutu!”

Rubby de la Rosa – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Now has an ERA of 3.49.  I have my shades drawn so my solar calculator doesn’t work, but could someone tell me the collective ERA for all starters in the NL West?

Aaron Harang – 6 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 2 Ks.  The Harangutan now has 9 wins and a 3.45 ERA.  Boy am I glad I drafted Liriano!

Cameron Maybin – Out for a few games with a strained hip flexor.  When he returns, his coming up to bat song will no longer be The Twist.

Kyle Blanks – 7 Ks in 13 ABs.  He fills in the blanks with K’s.  Yi_es!  Quit stri_ing out, you motherfuc_er!

I call this, “Highlights of Grey and Rudy Panicking Over a Blown Win for Danks,” which is also a Jewel poem title.  Chris Sale entered in the ninth, recorded no outs, gave up three hits and three runs.  That, sir, is a ‘Fire Sale.’  Then Ozzie brought in Crain, who has a great leg kick.  He’s not the best around… Pitched wild, didn’t look good in general then was lifted so Ozzie could avoid Crain vs. Sweeney, which sounds like a Tim Burton film, and brought in Matt Thornton.  Bringing in a struggling Thornton with the bases loaded in a 4-2 game is like helping someone with impotence problems by filming them have sex.  In the end, Rudy and I lost our Danks win.  Is all that clear?  Yeah, I don’t know either.  I’d hold Thornton and Sale, in that order.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Juan Pierre – 3-for-4 with a run, but would be most valuable in leagues that count brain farts.  He was picked off twice and made his 3rd error of the year.  You’d expect better judgement from someone named after two apostles.

Hideki Matsui – 2-for-4 with his 2nd homer.  Now he can reward himself with his epic porn collection.

Jay Bruce – Tweaked his groin.  Hey, sounds like Matsui!  Reds say Bruce should return by the weekend.  Matsui would tell you through a translator that’s prime groin tweaking time.

Jose Valverde – Recorded his 2nd win in two days.  In one of our leagues, we only have one win for the entire team after two weeks.  I must’ve killed puppies in a former life for my Win Karma.

Max Scherzer – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks.  After the game, Max reentered Michael Chabon’s latest book about the search for Golem.

Lance Berkman – 1-for-3, 5 RBIs and his fourth homer in three games.  Sure, it’ll end but there’s no reason why you can’t be there while it’s happening.

Jorge Posada – Now has 4 homers in the first two weeks.  The same number of homers as A-Rod.  Guys and three girl readers, why do you keep asking me if you should drop him?  If he gets 4 homers a month (24 homers on the year), what else do you want?  Why is it so hard to not pick at your catcher scab?  You’re gonna leave a scar.

David Murphy – 1-for-4 with 2 steals.  As I said yesterday, you should pick him up.  Wait, is there an echo in here?

Francisco Liriano – 5 IP, 7 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Time for our first installment of Point/Counterpoint.  Rudy says, “He’s #3 risky pitcher of 2011 and is pitching like he’s trying to prove me correct.  He’s now 0-3 with a 9.42 ERA and hasn’t pitched more than 5 innings per start.  On the plus side, he only walked one in this game after walking 8 in his first 9 1/3 IP.”  Grey says, “He had a terrible fourth inning with a bunch of junky singles.  He only threw 78 pitches (53 strikes) into the 6th inning and the last run was given up by Glen Perkins, the pancake king.  I’d roll the dice for his next start vs. the O’s, then reevaluate.”

Denard Span – 4-for-5, 2 Runs.  A leadoff man who gets 4 singles and doesn’t steal a base is in a nutshell why I don’t like Denard Dawg.

Drew Storen – Riggleman said Storen will continue to share save chances with Sean Burnett.  Don’t you need to give Storen save chances before he can share them?

Matt Wieters – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his first homer.   Matt Wieters Fact:  The only person that can get Matt Wieters out is himself.

Tim Stauffer – 4 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks.  I had Wood (not like that) and Stauffer going in many leagues yesterday.  Wood looked great, should be owned everywhere.  Stauffer is a borderline fifth starter that I’d continue to roll out there for home games for one reason alone, watching a game at Petco is what I imagine watching baseball in 1968 was like.

Orlando Hudson – 1-for-4, and his 5th steal.  He’s the Padres hitting star.  I.e. the world’s tallest midget.

Aroldis Chapman – 1/3 IP, 1 ER, which usually would be nothing but he was only throwing 92 MPH… Which Usually Would Be Nothing, Part II:  The Return of Which Usually Would Be Nothing, that’s nowhere near his top velocity.  Dusty might’ve figured out a way to injure Aroldis while not even throwing him that much.  It’s an (anti-)medical breakthrough!

Josh Johnson – 7 1/3 IP, 4 baserunners (1 Hit), 9 Ks.  To celebrate, his brother, Gosh Johnson, sprayed his co-workers with champagne.  At least, everyone hopes it was champagne.

Logan Morrison – Hit his third homer and is batting .317 on the year.  I don’t know, sounds okay to me.

Vernon Wells – 1-for-5 and now batting .102, which is also the temperature under the collars of his fantasy owners.

Ian Kennedy – 3 IP, 9 ER.  Ouch… Wait, what?  Oh, ouch.

Carlos Carrasco – 7 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Now has back-to-back solid starts, though one was against the M’s in Safeco.  Have to be in an AL-Only league to get excited about him or any Indians starter.  BTW, Carmona ‘n Carrasco sounds like an upscale Mexican restaurant.  “Forget your pinatas, hit us!”  That’s their slogan.

Wandy Rodriguez – 5 IP, 5 ER, 11 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Obviously wasn’t a great start, but the five runs came with two outs in the 1st.  If he gets that third out there, Wandy would’ve been fine.  (And if if’s and but’s were prunes and nuts, we’d all have to wear diapers.)

Jon Niese – 6 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks.  I hate to move on in only the second week of April, but I’ve had it with Niese and his rock n’ jock aerobics.

Justin Smoak – Hit his first homer.  He’s not in the greatest home park/lineup for production, but at some point his OBP and power are going to make me look brilliant for liking him even if it was a year or two early.  BTW,  the Mariners lineup yesterday — Ichiro, Adam Kennedy, Milton Bradley, Jack Cust, Smoak, Ryan Langerhans, Luis Rodriguez, Brendan Ryan and Chris Gimenez.  That’s murderer’s row.  As in, I’d murder the GM if I were an M’s fan.