Fantasy Baseball Advice

Aw, sookie.  Our first look at all the closers for the 2011 fantasy baseball season.  That is a bird on your window and it’s singing Zip-a-Dee-Doo-Dah.  I went over Kevin Gregg signing with the O’s when it happened and Putz to the Diamondbacks.  I didn’t go over Frank² signing with the Jays, but he’s the closer and that’s all I’m saying on that for now.  I have bigger fish to fry in this intro, The Rays. (<–bad pun point!)  I usually don’t have a problem deciding who I think will get saves on a team.  I mean, I may be wrong, but I can decide.  On the Rays, um, yeah, it’s a mess.  Right now, I see people predicting Kyle Farnsworth, the Cuddle Boy extraordinaire.  Some have Lovey’s son, J.P. Howell.  Others have Jake McGee.  So J.P. McFarnwell is closing for them?  Yikes.  Can’t they trade one of their 28 1st round draft picks for a closer?  Here’s my best guess at how it breaks down.  Farnsworth is thrust into the closer role does as he always does when he’s the closer, sucks.  Then Howell gets the role that earned him 17 saves last year.  I don’t think the Rays go to McGee because of inexperience.  Anyway, here’s all of the closers for your fantasy baseball team, as of right now:

$12 Salads

You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad? Every time you go there, you have a thoroughly solid meal. No complaints, except you just paid $12 for a salad when you could’ve went to McDonald’s and stuffed you and your woman for ten schmools and had $2 in quarters left over to make the hotel bed vibrate. These closers are $12 salads.

1. Mariano Rivera (Rafael Soriano, Joba Chamberlain)
2. Heath Bell (Luke Gregerson, Chad Qualls, Mike Adams)
3. Joakim Soria (Jeremy Jeffress, Robinson Tejeda)
4. Brian Wilson (Sergio Romo, Jeremy Affeldt, Santiago Casilla)

Donkeycorns

Imagine you’re following a donkey, who’s wearing a wool cap, through a desert for 1700 miles. Why are you following a donkey? Because he promises you something wonderful and you just need to trust him. Does the donkey talk? Yes. Yes, he does talk. So when you and the donkey in the wool cap arrive at his destination, he removes his the wool cap to reveal a horn. The donkey is a unicorn and his gift to you for your trust is saves. These closers are Donkeycorns.

5. Carlos Marmol (Kerry Wood, Andrew Cashner)
6. Neftali Feliz (Darren O’Day, Darren Oliver, Alexi Ogando)
7. Jonathan Papelbon (Daniel Bard, Bobby Jenks)
8. Jonathan Broxton (Hong-Chih Kuo, Matt Guerrier, Kenley Jansen)
9. Jose Valverde (Joaquin Benoit, Ryan Perry)
10. Francisco Rodriguez (Manny Acosta)
11. Andrew Bailey (Brian Fuentes, Grant Balfour)
12. Huston Street (Matt Lindstrom, Rafael Betancourt)
13. J.J. Putz (Sam Demel, Juan Gutierrez)
14. John Axford (Takashi Saito, LaTroy Hawkins, Zach Braddock)
15. Chris Perez (Rafael Perez)
16. Craig Kimbrel (Jonny Venters, George Sherrill)
17. Drew Storen (Tyler Clippard, Sean Burnett)
18. Brad Lidge (Ryan Madson, Jose Contreras, Danys Baez)
19. Francisco Cordero (Aroldis Chapman, Nick Masset)

Brain Freeze

I’m going on a picnic and I’m bringing apples, bananas and Kevin Gregg– Wait, he just gave up 12 earned runs and hit Brian Roberts in the head with a pickoff throw. Brain freeze! Make it stop! Use the following closers at your own risk.

20. Leo Nunez (Clay Hensley, Edward Mujica)
21. Matt Thornton (Chris Sale, Jesse Crain)
22. Frank Francisco (Octavio Dotel, Jon Rauch, Jason Frasor)
23. Ryan Franklin (Jason Motte, Kyle McClellan)
24. Joel Hanrahan (Evan Meek)
25. Matt Capps (Joe Nathan, Pat Neshek)
26. Fernando Rodney (Hisanori Takahashi, Kevin Jepsen, Scott Downs)
27. Brandon Lyon (Wilton Lopez, Jeff Fulchino)
28. Kevin Gregg (Koji Uehara, Mike Gonzalez)
29. Brandon League (David Aardsma)
30. Kyle Farnsworth (J.P.Howell, Jake McGee)

Doesn’t Danny Valencia sound like a bad actor’s stage name?  “For my audition, I’m going to do the scene ‘Eating the Old 96er’ from The Great Outdoors.”  Okay, try not to choke.  (Quick side note:  My aunt used to date Danny Aiello.  But not Danny Aiello, the actor.  A different Danny Aiello.  It was like McDowell’s vs. McDonald’s.  “They got the Golden Arches, mine is the Golden Arcs.”  I’d tell people, “Yeah, I was at dinner with Danny Aiello.”  My friends would be, “Danny Aiello?!”  “Yeah, Danny Aiello!”  Then my friends would make excuses to come over and be like, “That’s not Danny Aiello!”  And I’d be like, “That’s Danny Aiello!”  Then one day we were at a restaurant and who walks in but the real Danny Aiello.  It was like when Lorraine attempts to escape the house, but encounters her 2015 counterpart and faints.)  So Valencia is hitting over .400 at home, where the Twins are the final week.  Yes, over .400.  He also has 3 homers in the last week.  Here’s hoping he can make the magic last for more than one night or week.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Melvin Mora – This schmohawk is usually Melvin Van Feebles, but he’s hitting well in the last week and there’s no guarantee Mini-Mini Donkey will be inserted right back into the lineup.

Mike Aviles – It must be the end of the season when I’m heavily promoting a guy who’s barely above Crapolanco’s production.

Chris Johnson – As they say at bachelorette parties, this Johnson’s hot.

Wilson Betemit – Geez, how many corner infidels can be hot in the final week?  I’ll answer that right after I dump Sandoval and his Shirley Hemphill-lookalike body.

Chris Carter – This isn’t a buy for this year, but, if you’re in a keeper, I’d take a flier on Carter just to see how things play out this winter.

Danny Espinosa – Blah blah blah Espinosa!  Blah blah blah Buy!  Blah blah blah Dracula!

Randy Wolf – He appeared in the borderline starters post for last week.  Before that, he went out with your Moms and did her wrong.  So I don’t fully trust him, but he’s been lights out.

Edwin Jackson – Really only listed here because he gets 2 starts in the final week and the final one is vs. the Indians and their $24 of trinkets.

Carlos Zambrano – Has been great since returning to the rotation and also gets 2 starts in the final week.  Last start is vs. the Astros.  Hello, sexy, what’s your name?

Nick Blackburn – Just went over my Nick Blackburn fantasy.  It’s a fascinating read, I count only three typos.  Or is that, tipe-ohs?  Anyhoo!  Blackburn’s set for two starts next week, but I imagine the 2nd start will be shortened or skipped since the ‘offs.

Tim Stauffer – This is Grey, the Not-Really-Greek’s Double Yahtzee pick of the week!  Two starts, one at home, one in San Fran.

Alex Sanabia – I actually picked him up in one league for his two starts, but I’m not excited about it.  How’s that for selling a Buy?!

Carlos Carrasco – And last of the two start pitchers for next week that have a legit chance of appearing on any of my teams.  And, yes, Carrasco sounds like a luchador.

David Murphy – If you haven’t picked up Murphy yet, you’re probably not paying attention anyway.  It’s a shame, you could’ve been a contender.

Michael Morse – Something tells me he won’t be hot by next Tuesday, but there’s only, like, ten more days of season left, so what the eff in the coolie hole.

Will Venable – I think I’ve mentioned this before, but Venable is the 2nd fastest guy in the majors after Crawford, according to Bill James’ Speed Score.  Tied with Brett Gardner and ahead of Michael Bourn, Reyes, Stubbs, Victorino…  Don’t just stare, say something!  Okay, maybe I’m the only one that finds that interesting.

Jarrod Dyson – He’s fast.  That’s all I got.  I’m not sure he’ll play and he’ll never hit for power.  He’s like a non-French Juan Pierre.

Clay Hensley – SAGNOF!

Chris Sale – See Hensley, Clay.  Or 1/8th of an inch above.

Craig Breslow – Michael Wuertz’ thumb is huertz and Ziegler throws like a girl.

Phil Coke – In a blind taste test, 4 out of 5 SAGNOF’ers choose Ryan Pepsi, but Coke is it.

Juan Gutierrez – I like Kirk Gibson.  He was a fist pumping fool before Vinny.  Though I think making Gutierrez the closer was reason enough for him to never manage another game, let alone get signed on for next year, but mine is not to reason why.

SELL

Ted Lilly – I’m actually a fan of Lilly, but he has two starts left and his next start is in Coors.  Blech.

Andrew Bailey – See Jose Valverde.

Jose Valverde – See Andrew Bailey.

Joe Mauer – Unless your league counts the playoffs, you need someone else.

Zack Greinke – Kinda depends on your shituation but I dropped Greinke in the one league I have him for a two start pitcher.  And it felt great!  Sayonora, schmohawk!

Any Pitcher That Has Pitched His Last Start – Maximize your lineup spots with middle relievers for vulture wins or other starters.  It’s that time, friends.  Good luck!

Before the NAAPP, National Association for the Advancement of Polish People, write me, it’s not Polish, it’s polish.  Pa-lish.  Not Pole-lish… Oh, forget it.  David Murphy has a hit in every game this month and, with Hamilton out, he’s playing every day.  In the month of September, he has a .380 average, 2 homers, 3 steals, 10 RBIs and 7 instances of “Who the hell is David Murphy?” from fantasy owners.  Texas Rangers media guide has him listed as “That Guy” and a picture of William Fichtner.  When Murphy goes to the plate, there’s no song playing.  Know why?  Cause he’s unsung!  Thank you, don’t forget to tip your waitresses.  I know the prevailing thought with Murphy is he’s a platoon player, but why does that have to be Murphy’s Law?  Well, because he can’t hit lefties usually but he is right now, so, like a trophy wife, own while hot.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Emilio Bonifacio – If you picked up Bonifacio in April of 2009 in your keeper then were abducted by aliens, your team’s looking good again.  The Xavier Nady pickup doesn’t look too bad either.  Though you may want to switch out Cantu.

Drew Stubbs – This guy’s value goes from Carlos Gonzalez to Carlos Gomez from at-bat to at-bat.

Michael Brantley – If you’re the kind of guy who draws a face on fruit right before you bite it just to show you’re in charge, then you know what I’m going to say, because I’m that guy too.  Brantley = SAGNOF!

Wilson Betemit – It’s feast or famine with these peasant Royals.  Mostly famine.  Right now, it’s feast for Betemit.  At any point, he’ll drop the boom and go back to MOS — ‘Mit out starting job.

Mike Aviles – Hitting .500 over the last week with 2 homers and a 1 steal.  And that’s about all the enthusiasm I can drum up for him.

Clay Hensley – Did you ever want to call him Hay Clensley?  Me too!  Oh, and he’s the closer for the Marlins.

Chris Sale – I went over my Chris Sale fantasy the other day.  Since then, Ozzie’s already ignored exactly what he said the day before, so is Sale the closer?  No idea.  If you can read Ozzie’s mind, you have my sympathy.

Juan Gutierrez – Has 5 saves this month.  SAGNOF!  And has only given up one run.  Incredible!

Carlos Zambrano – Right now, CZ is looking like a diamond and should be owned.

Chris Narveson – Never Nervous Narveson has been solid since the All-Star break and the same can be said about last year.  In fact, I just did.  Not looking past Sunday’s start, but I like him there as you see at the borderline starters post.

James McDonald – I’m starting to think I might draft him in some leagues next year.  Internal Monologue, “He pitches for the Pirates.”  Okay, I’m starting to think I might consider drafting him.

Ian Kennedy – Not entirely sure why he isn’t owned in more than 30% of ESPN leagues, but when you consider 95% of ESPN are abandoned, he’s actually owned in a whopping 125% of leagues, so good luck picking him up!

Chris Young – Not exactly sure when Cristall Young will be starting in Petco, but that’s when I’d start him.  Nowhere else unless you have a hankering for a spankering.

SELL

Josh Hamilton – I enjoyed this son of a gun (S.O.G.?) this year.  He did work, son.  Now he’s limping towards the ‘offs and the Rangers need him healthy so they aren’t going to play him much at all.

Gavin Floyd – You guys had some good times, which was invariably followed by bad times then good times then bad times — Make up your mind, Floyd!  At this point, I’d set Gavin a sail.

Phil Hughes – This could really go for a lot of starters that were good earlier in the year.  It ain’t earlier in the year anymore.  Kapeesh or no kapeesh?  ‘Stood or no stood?  Y’hear or no y’hear?

Justin Upton – J-Upside’s been sitting on his backside and, let’s be honest, he wasn’t exactly killing it T.J. Lavin-style even when he was playing.  You need to look elsewhere.

Leo Nunez – See 7 inches above or Clay Hensley or Hay Clensley.

Jimmy Rollins – At the rate his career is going, he’s gonna get batteries thrown at him at Citizens Flank in 2011 and cheered in 2012 when he returns with another team.

Mark Reynolds – A once heroic tale called, “Me and My Mini Donkey,” about a man affectionately referred to as Mini Donkey who hit homers, stole bases and struck out 200 times has turned sour.  Mini Donkey can’t steal bases because of nagging injuries and has zero homers and is batting .079 in September.  Then Robbie Williams, some guy no Americans have ever heard of, sued claiming “Me and My Mini Donkey” stole the chorus from “Me and My Monkey.”  Reynolds lost the case and he had to return his 2009 season.  A sad turn of events, indeed.

Let’s go over the Danny Espinosa positives first, shall we?  A) In Triple-A, he had  18 homers and 20 steals.  B) At MI, you need another positive after A? C) B was already forced and you want a C? D) Hmm… You need another positive, huh?  Umm… How about D. Espinosa anagrams to Adios ESPN?  Okay, the negative is the 94 Ks in 99 games at Triple-A.  That sounds like a recipe for a .230 average over the course of the season.  I’d preach some caution if this were April, but he’s currently hitting in the major leagues and is worth a flier to see if he can stay hot.  In keepers, I’d grab him for a buck because he’ll have solid position eligibility next year and has good pop and speed.  And, as most of you know who have read this site longer than a second, I don’t mind average killers.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

BUY

Juan Gutierrez – It’s not playing with fire to get saves from Gutierrez.  Like playing with dynamite.

Koji Uehara – If you need saves, here ya go.  Though I wouldn’t be surprised if Koji gives you indigestion, even if Chef Roy Choi disagrees.

Matt Thornton – Could’ve listed Putz or Sale here, but I think Thornton’s the first guy to get saves in Jenks’ stead, assuming MT can stay healthy and BJ can stay, um, unhealthy.

Clay Hensley – The Marlins are saying Nunez will reclaim the closer job, but he ain’t got it now, does he?  Rhetorical!

Ryan Madson – SAGNOF!

Ryan Perry – Just went over my Ryan Perry fantasy.

Jhoulys Chacin – You really need to put aside your past prejudices about Rockie pitchers.  This is no longer the days of Mike Hampton, who hit better than he pitched.

Jorge de la Rosa – Hasn’t thrown a turd since his second start back from the DL.  And that’s the truth, Ruth!

Cory Luebke – I wouldn’t risk him in an away game unless you really need to gamble, but I’d start him in home games.  You know how I do.

Brian Duensing – Just went over my Duensing fantasy.  It involved silk ribbons and hot wax.  Wait, no it didn’t.  Wait II, did it?

Ivan Nova – Surprising that he’s not owned everywhere since he’s a Yankee.  Guess people realize he could roofie you at any time and render your naughty bits unusable.

Logan Morrison – I’m like a little kid in a candy store with this guy.  That’s right, I have cavities thanks to Morrison.  And his OBP makes me ride around on my mop pony screaming yee-haw!

Ike Davis – Member when he was this crazy hot commodity to own back in April?  Yeah, I don’t either, but it’s nice to remember things differently in retrospect.  Anyhoo!  Davis is hitting well over the last week or so.

David Murphy – I’m admittedly a fan of this schmohawk, but you do need to platoon him in and out depending on whether or not he’s facing a lefty.

Michael Brantley – Had five steals and a .291 average in August.  More of the same so far in September.

Eric Young Jr. – I really don’t want to have to keep telling you to grab the same guys, but his ownership numbers at ESPN have actually gone down in the last week.  He has 15 steals in 35 games.  That’s 140 steals in 162 games, give or take 60-something.

SELL

Justin Morneau – Sounding a lot like he’s not returning until the last week of the season and even then he won’t be 100%, he’ll be gearing up for the playoffs.  I know, sucks.  I don’t know why they can’t send him out there with The Great Gazoo’s helmet either.

Gordon Beckham – He’s nursing from the injury bug teet and he wasn’t really doing much even when he was healthy.  In honor of our fantasy football site, punt!

Andres Torres – That thud you just heard was Torres falling back to earth.

Josh Johnson – I’m 99% sure he’s not pitching again this year.  I’m 100% sure that he’s only going to get another two starts even if he does.  You can find someone to replace him in the last few weeks.

Derek Jeter – Okay, so you drafted Jeter just so you could tell your girlfriend that you drafted him so she would then have sex with you.  You didn’t expect it to blow up in your face so bad though.  The drafting of Jeter, not the other half of the equation.  Captain Jeets or Pasta Diving Jeter or whatever you want to call him is hitting .237 vs. righties.  That’s the new blech.

In September, closers either mean everything or they mean nothing.  You either really need closers to catch the next nearest guy in saves or you have too much ground to make up and you’re secure in your standings.  If you fall into the former category, I’d grab anyone I could to get saves.  Hello, Juan Gutierrez, would you like to dance?  If you fall into the latter category, you can either start dropping brain freezes –  Joel Hanarahananananan, we had a terrible time together and now I will drop you.  Goodbye.  –  or just bench your lower tier closers to avoid getting Kazaam’d.  I’d only drop a closer if I knew no one could catch me in saves or if it were strategic.  For instance, I’ve been known to drop a closer because I know the guy with the high waiver claim can get him and catch the guy in front of him in saves, which will help me in the overall standings.  Anyway, here’s all of the closers for your fantasy baseball team, as of right now:

$12 Salads

You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad? Every time you go there, you have a thoroughly solid meal. No complaints, except you just paid $12 for a salad when you could’ve went to McDonald’s and stuffed you and your woman for ten schmools and had $2 in quarters left over to make the hotel bed vibrate. These closers are $12 salads.

1. Mariano Rivera (Kerry Wood, David Robertson, Joba Chamberlain)
2. Heath Bell (+1) (Mike Adams, Luke Gregerson)
3. Billy Wagner (+1) (Takashi Saito, Jonny Venters)
4. Rafael Soriano (+5) (Dan Wheeler, Joaquin Benoit)

Donkeycorns

Imagine you’re following a donkey, who’s wearing a wool cap, through a desert for 1700 miles. Why are you following a donkey? Because he promises you something wonderful and you just need to trust him. Does the donkey talk? Yes. Yes, he does talk. So when you and the donkey in the wool cap arrive at his destination, he removes his the wool cap to reveal a horn. The donkey is a unicorn and his gift to you for your trust is saves. These closers are Donkeycorns.

5. Carlos Marmol (-3) (Sean Marshall, Andrew Cashner)
6. Joakim Soria (+2) (Blake Wood, Dusty Hughes)
7. Brian Wilson (+3) (Sergio Romo, Jeremy Affeldt)
8. Jonathan Papelbon (+4) (Daniel Bard)
9. Neftali Feliz (+4) (Darren O’Day, Darren Oliver)
10. Jose Valverde (-2) (Ryan Perry, Phil Coke)
11. Ryan Franklin (Kyle McClellan, Jason Motte)
12. Chris Perez (+6) (Rafael Perez)
13. Francisco Cordero (+1) (Arthur Rhodes, Nick Masset)
14. Andrew Bailey (+16) (Michael Wuertz, Craig Breslow)
15. Matt Capps (Brian Fuentes, Jon Rauch)
16. Kevin Gregg (+7) (Jason Frasor, Scott Downs)
17. Brad Lidge (+4) (Ryan Madson, Jose Contreras)

Brain Freeze

I’m going on a picnic and I’m bringing apples, bananas and Bobby Jenks– Wait, he just gave up 12 earned runs and hit Konerko in the head with a pickoff throw. Brain freeze! Make it stop! Use the following closers at your own risk.

18. Huston Street (+5) (Matt Belisle, Rafael Betancourt)
19. David Aardsma (-1) (Brandon League)
20. Fernando Rodney (-3) (Kevin Jepsen)
21. Drew Storen (+5) (Tyler Clippard, Sean Burnett, Miguel Batista)
22. Bobby Jenks (Scott Linebrink, J.J. Putz, Matt Thornton)
23. Hong-Chih Kuo (-18) (Jonathan Broxton, Octavio Dotel)
24. Brandon Lyon (-5) (Wilton Lopez, Matt Lindstrom)
25. Leo Nunez (-10) (Clay Hensley, Jose Veras, Brian Sanches)
26. Hisanori Takahashi (-20) (Bobby Parnell, Pedro Feliciano)
27. John Axford/Trevor Hoffman (-2) (Zach Braddock)
28. Joel Hanrahan (-1) (Evan Meek, Sean Gallagher)
29. Koji Uehara (-1) (Mike Gonzalez, Alfredo Simon)
30. Juan Gutierrez/Aaron Heilman (-1) (Sam Demel, A pitching machine disguised with a handlebar mustache)