Fantasy Baseball Advice

With the the top 20 closers for 2009 fantasy baseball, we’ve finished our recap of the 2009 fantasy baseball rankings.  This is our final look back.  This is still a look back.  It is not how I’d rank them for 2010 aka next year.  As with the other rankings, the final rankings come from ESPN’s Player Rater.  I did this so I could objectively critique MY preseason rankings to THEIR end season ones.  Their rankings for closers weigh wins and Ks very heavily, but whatevs.  At least it’s unbiased.  There’s a theme in the top 20 closers for 2009 fantasy baseball we need to address.  There’s more unranked players in this post than any of the previous ones.  With 8 of 20 closers being unranked.  This is why you never pay for closers.  They’re unpredictable.  The ones that you think will do good disappoint (K-Rod) or flat-out suck (Lidge).  Then there’s the ones that just come out of nowhere.  It all comes back to SAGNOF!  Anyway, here’s the top 20 closers for 2009 fantasy baseball and how they compare to where I originally ranked them:

1. Joe Nathan – Has an unprecedented streak of 24 consecutive months being a $12 salad.  As soon as he gives me his address, I’ll send him the green, leafy ribbon.  Preseason Rank #2, 2009 Projections:  2-3/1.90/1.00/75, 42 saves, Final Numbers:  2-2/2.10/.93/89, 47 saves

2. Jonathan Broxton – Didn’t lead the league in saves, wasn’t that dominant with ERA, but 114 Ks for a reliever will get them ranked pretty high.  Throw in 7 vulture wins and you have the number two ranked closer.  Preseason Rank #7, 2009 Projections:  3-3/3.00/1.15/80, 35 saves, Final Numbers:  7-2/2.61/.96/114, 36 saves

3. Mariano Rivera – Some year he will not live up to his standard.  When that year will be is anyone’s guess. Preseason Rank #4, 2009 Projections:  4-3/2.75/1.00/60, 40 saves, Final Numbers:  3-3/1.76/.90/72, 44 saves

4. Andrew Bailey – If you take the best middle reliever year and throw in 26 saves, you have Bailey.  Definitely one of those guys that you were probably waiting for the bottom to fall out at any moment and it never happened.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  6-3/1.84/.88/91, 26 saves

5. Heath Bell – I owned Bell in quite a few leagues since people seem to shun guys who had never closed before even though pitchers have shown over and over again closer experience usually means little.  Had his best save and worst ERA month in September with 9 saves and a 5.14 ERA.  Preseason Rank #16 2009 Projections:  4-1/3.75/1.20/65, 30 saves, Final Numbers:  6-4/2.71/1.12/79, 42 saves

6. Brian Wilson – Because I’m on the West Coast, I always find myself watching the tail end of Giants games.  What I (think) I notice is Wilson is rarely a guy that seems like a sure thing.  I say (think) because it might just be the games I watch.  So this sent me looking at all of the games he closed in 2009.  What I found is my (thought) was correct.  He only recorded 11 three up, three down saves out of 38.  To give you some perspective, Franklin had 14.  Though Wilson was flat-out dominate in the 2nd half (1.64 ERA).  Preseason Rank #18, 2009 Projections:  3-4/4.00/1.32/65, 32 saves, Final Numbers:  5-6/2.74/1.20/83, 38 saves

7. Trevor Hoffman – Old is as old continues to do.  Next year, he’ll be entering to the Hells Belles Comedy Cabaret album. Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  2-2/2.10/.93/89, 47 saves

8. David Aardsma – Bailey’s probably the epitome of SAGNOF, so what’s right under epitome?  Example of?  Embodiment?  “Eh, same thing?”  That was Aardsma.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  3-6/2.52/1.16/80, 38 saves

9. Huston Street – In the preseason, I said, “Yes, he’s injury prone. Yes, he lost the A’s closer job last year.  If he’s the Rox closer, none of that should matter to you.  As I’ve repeatedly repeated… If someone’s getting saves, you should be drafting him.”  Yup.  Preseason Rank #21, 2009 Projections:  1-4/3.75/1.10/17 saves, Final Numbers:  4-1/3.06/.91/70, 35 saves

10. Jonathan Papelbon – Here’s a place their Player Rater fails big time.  Papelbon is this low because he recorded only one vulture win.  It’s nice, but you can’t really rely on closers to get vulture wins.  The rest of his numbers are fine for a closer.  Preseason Rank #1, 2009 Projections:  6-2/1.75/.95/80, 45 saves, Final Numbers:  1-1/1.85/1.15/76, 38 saves

11. Ryan Franklin – I’m pretty sure La Russa and Duncan could make Brendan Ryan a serviceable closer.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  4-3/1.92/1.20/44, 38 saves

12. Francisco Cordero – By taking the last letters of his first name and the first letters of his last name, he has one of my favorite nicknames, CoCo.  Who’s some other players this would work with?  Ben Zobrist with EnZo…  Zobrist sounds Jewish and he gets an Italian nickname?  What’s he, a pizza bagel?  Doesn’t work.  How about Ryan Howard?  AnHo?  Eh..  Wait, I got one!  Miguel Montero.  Now we just need Daron Sutton to say something like, “The Count’s in Elmo’s favor…”  Preseason Rank #8, 2009 Projections:  6-4/3.75/1.32/75, 35 saves, Final Numbers:  2-6/2.16/1.32/58, 39 saves

13. Rafael Soriano – See what I said regarding Bailey.  Go ahead, scan your eyes up a little.  There ya go!  Soriano did basically the same thing.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  1-6/2.97/1.06/102, 27 saves

14. Joakim Soria – Soria dealt with some injury issues this year and still put together a good season.  Soria blamed the WBC; I blamed Selig.  Preseason Rank #6, 2009 Projections:  3-4/2.00/.95/60, 35 saves, Final Numbers:  3-2/2.21/1.13/69, 30 saves

15. Brian Fuentes – Knock on the door.  *opening door*  A red flag stands there.  What’s up, red flag? Fuentes had more saves than Ks.  Red Flag out.  Preseason Rank #11, 2009 Projections:  3-1/3.75/1.14/70, 40 saves, Final Numbers:  1-5/3.93/1.40/46, 48 saves

16. Francisco Rodriguez – Wasn’t a great season, but you were foolish if you thought he was going to save another 62 games.  Actually, wasn’t as bad when you consider he gave up 5 runs in his next to last appearance.  Right before that, he had a 3.09 ERA.  Preseason Rank #5, 2009 Projections:  3-2/2.85/1.30/80, 42 saves, Final Numbers:  3-6/3.71/1.31/73, 35 saves

17. Jose Valverde – Hopefully you were able to grab LaTroy Hawkins when he filled in for Valverde, so your JoTroy Valkins got you 36 saves.  Preseason Rank #13, 2009 Projections:  3-5/3.75/1.20/80, 40 saves, Final Numbers:  4-2/2.33/1.13/56, 25 saves

18. George Sherrill – From Donkeycorn to a middle man but still retained his value, especially for MR. B’s, as Sherrill only gave up 2 earned runs in 27 2/3 innings in LaLa Land.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  1-1/1.70/1.12/61, 21 saves

19. Michael Wuertz – Wuertz comes in as our first and last true middle reliever to make the top 20 closer list.  If you owned, say, James Shields (11-12/4.14/1.32/167) and Wuertz the entire season, your combined numbers would’ve been 17-13/3.74/1.23/269; that looks like vintage Nolan Ryan.  In other words, you could’ve done *pinkie to mouth* Wuertz.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  6-1/2.63/.95/102, 4 saves

20. J.P. Howell – Whatever Beane is feeding his bullpen up in Oakland, Tampa could use some of it as Howell was a whole lot better before he started closing.  Thurston and Lovey expected more.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  7-5/2.84/1.20/79, 17 saves

Alfonso Soriano is out indefinitely with knee problems.  Backdate this news three months.  Al-So is beginning to look like every bit of his Latin 33 age.  A real *pinkie to mouth* Al-so ran.  I’d drop Soriano in all leagues.  So it’s Jakie Foxx time, right?!  Since Soriano’s been gone, Sam Fuld (no power, light speed) got two starts, Bobby Scales (minor league journeyman) got two starts, Fox hasn’t had one start.  In other news, Jake Fox slept with Piniella’s wife.  As for Grady Sizemore… Early last week I said Sizemore’s injury would shut him down sooner than later.  Sooner happened over the weekend.  Grady’s done for the season and the Indians will go with Michael Brantley.  Hey, ain’t that the guy from Riverdance? Nope, but he also has quick feet.  Like Ron LeFlore, Brantley could provide some cheap speed.  Right now, he’s batting first and hitting close to .400 since his call up.  If there’s room in your bottle, there’s your lightning.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Chris Iannetta – The Rockies announced Torrealba will be their starting catcher.  I.e., the Rockies finally gave up on Iannetta.  So bad, so sad.

Johnny Cueto – 6 IP, 1 ER, 9 Ks.  Now has two solid games back from his Disgraceful List stint.  While he has a name like a high school bully character from an 80s movie (Shut up, geek!), Cueto could have decent value in the last month.

Jay Bruce – Should return from his DL stint on Tuesday.  If he’s out there, I’d grab him, but don’t expect a miracle.  Bruce had three hits on Saturday in Triple-A, but Dusty Baker said, “There is more to being ready than just hits.”  Hmm… Maybe that’s why the Reds are dead last in the major leagues in hits.

Drew Stubbs – HR yesterday.  Now has 4 homers in the last seven games with one steal.  Has 23 Ks and 25 hits since his call up.  That’s Dusty Ball!

Tim Hudson – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 Ks vs. Reds.  See above for why this was a terrific match-up.

Jeremy Guthrie – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 Ks.  I had a brief love affair with Guthrie last year.  It ended poorly in the beginning of this year, but then last month I saw he threw a solid game and I texted him that I was glad he was back on track.  He responded with “Thx.”  I hate when people abbreviate thanks.  They should respond with, “I don’t appreciate you enough to write out thanks.”  Then Guthrie threw another good game and another and another.  We may not be on the best of terms and the Orioles schedule is ugly in September, but if you’re really hurting, Guthrie has four straight solid starts and might have more in the tank.

Derek Holland – 3 1/3 IP, 6 ER A.K.A. why I wouldn’t trust Holland this year.

Leo Nunez – No outs recorded, 3 ER.  Now has blown two games in his last three opportunities.  May lose some save chances in the near future, but, unfortunately, Lindstrom hasn’t been much better.  Maybe Kiko Calero takes his awesome sounding name and does something with it.  Though, I doubt it.

Ryan Franklin – 1/3 IP, 2 ER as he blew his 1st save since June.  Normally, that would mean he’s as secure as they come, but the Cards can’t afford to lose games in the ninth and I’d imagine LaRussa will have another guy warming up as Franklin takes the mound next time.

Wade Davis – 7 IP, 1 ER, 9 Ks.  Might have a solid couple of starts in his arm for this month, but he can roofie you at any time.  Eric Karabell calls that high risk, high reward.  He’s so smart!

Fernando Rodney – Got two days off on Saturday and Sunday.  Leyland’s saying it was just some rest in the long season.  I think it’s because Rodney fired a 97 MPH fastball into the press box after saving Friday’s game.  Incredibly, members of the press were able to make a split second decision to leave the nachos and duck.  Lyon may have some appeal if you’re hurting for saves.

J.P. Howell – No outs recorded, 1 ER.  More disconcerting, Grant Balfour opened the ninth in a save situation.  Howell then entered to face a lefty, then gave way to Russ Springer, who gave up the grand slam to Brandon Inge.  It’s a closerousel, and the Tampa closer is Grant P. Springler.

Gordon Beckham – Sat out yesterday with a sore side.  He should be back in a few games to make his run at .250 while hitting a homer every fifth game.

Krispie Young – 3 HRs yesterday.  Now he just needs to get 20 homers and 20 steals while batting .600 the rest of this month to salvage his season.

Cole Hamels – 6 IP, 4 ER, 6 Ks.  On the bright side, he should be a relative bargain next year.

Seth Smith – 2 HRs, giving him 4 in the last five games as he hits near .600 in the last week and his Grandpappy settled Jamestown.

Carlos Gonzalez – HR yesterday.  He’s hitting near .400 in the last week with 3 homers and 3 steals.  Like Kyle Blanks’s afro, CarGo’s well rounded.

Doug Fister – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 Ks and a no decision.  Confession:  I’m way under my innings limit in one league, so I gambled on Fister.  Plus, I always dreamed of having someone with a porn name on my team.

Brad Hawpe – The Rockies scored 13 runs and Hawpe went 0-for-3 with 2 runs.  Ticker Tease!

Pablo Sandoval – 1-for-3, and 3 walks, which is the same amount of walks he got in all of April.  In the same game, a triple play.  Obviously, there was two full moons in Milwaukee yesterday.

Randy Ruiz – Hit in the cheek with a pitch.  The cheek you pinch if you’re an Italian mother, not the cheek you pinch if you’re Italian who drives an IROC.  Ruiz will probably miss a few games.  After the game, he said, “I’m fine now.  Nothing growing up in New York City that I haven’t experienced.”  I grew up in New Jersey.  There you get hit by the strong stench of Drakkar.

Evan Longoria went 0-for-4 yesterday.  He’s been kinda terrible for about three months now.  Man, third base is a minefield.  Now I’m not putting Longoria in the Wright Sucks Then Gets Conked On The Head box.  No, he hasn’t been nearly that bad.  But two separate months of an under .240 average and two months of zero steals and tw0 months of 1 steal and this sentence has nearly as many ands as, “In the saying, “Fish-and-Chips,” it’s necessary to have a hyphen between “fish” and “and,” and “and” and “chips.”  I’m not ready to proclaim where Longoria should be drafted next year.  I’m Grey and I make proclamations! But Longoria isn’t exactly setting the world afire with flames shooting out of his areolas.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Scott Kazmir – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks.  Sonavabench!  I can’t stand Rays pitchers this year.  They’re sucking the life out of me.  One day it’s Shields pitching terribly in my lineup, then it’s him pitching well on my bench. Then Kazmir follows suit.  I might need to take a sabbatical next year from the Rays pitchers.

J.P. Howell – 1 IP, 1 ER. This is the 2nd game in a row Thurston and Lovey’s son has blown.

Oliver Perez – Out for the season with surgery to his knee.  In September, I’m fully expecting the Mets to play their home games in candy stripper outfits.

Brad Penny – Wanted out of Boston and he got it.  He cited irreconcilable differences.  Sox just said he sucked.

Chad Qualls – Placed on waivers, but it’ll take a John Holmes-sized package to get him from the Diamondbacks.  If he’s shown the door, I’d expect Rauch to get the saves.  Oh, and he blew a save last night.  Yay.

Justin Upton – Back from his oblique strain.  Oh, and he went 1-for-3.  Non-sarcastic yay.

Jonathan Sanchez – 7 IP, 3 ER, 9 Ks.  Has been solid since his no-hitter.  Somewhere, Buehrle realizes he should’ve renegotiated his deal with the devil.

Brian Wilson – Medders got the save yesterday (quite easily actually), but I think it was just because Medders was warming up to enter a losing game, then one of The Flying Molina Brothers put the Giants into a save situation with 2 outs in the 8th.

David Ortiz – 2 HRs yesterday.  Has 22 homers on the year while batting .227.  Who are you, Dave Kingman?

Josh Johnson – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 Ks vs. the Mets.  Is it only me or do you, loyal Razzball reader, also expect a shutout from your pitcher when they face the Mets and are upset when all you get is a s0lid start?

Roy Oswalt – 6 IP, 3 ER.  Was outpitched by Pineiro.  What’s worse, I’m not surprised.  I wanna say to Oswalt, “You gonna let this punk get away with that?  What’s the matter with you?  What’s the world comin’ to?”

Eric Young Jr. – 2-for-4, but caught stealing again.  On the bright side, he’s at least attempting steals.  I’m farting in your general direction, Alcides Escobar.

Andre Ethier – 3-for-4, 2 HRs.  Mentioned so I don’t get hate mail from Andre Ethier’s Mom.

Jack Cust – HR yesterday.  Member two days ago how I said when he gets hot, he gets scorching?  He’s now batting near .600 for the last week.

Jose Lopez – HR yesterday.  Has 4 homers in the last week.  Cool, but I dropped him back in May and don’t regret it.

Trevor Hoffman – Placed on waivers.  These things usually don’t go through.  Keep that in mind.  But I’d expect Coffey to grab Brewers saves in September if The Hoff’s off.

Nick Johnson – Heads to the DL.  If you set your watch by Johnson’s DL trips, you were probably pretty tardy this year as it took him much longer than usual to hit the infirmary.

Brad Lidge – Before yesterday’s game, Manuel said Lidge will remain the Phillies closer.  So, of course, Madson came on for the save.  And blew it.  Give Scott Eyre the ball!  I keed.  Lidge had worked a few days in a row, so I think Lidge is still the guy… To blow saves.

Cole Hamels – 8 IP, 0 ER, 7 Ks.  I watched a good chunk of this game.  The Pirates had a lot of opportunities to score.  Love to sit here (and I am sitting) and tell you Hamels is gonna be just fine going forward, but I’d be lying.  He might be, but this game shouldn’t be used as an indication either way.

Matt LaPorta – 2-for-4 and a HR yesterday.  He now has at least one hit in every game since his recall.  Now Eric Wedge must think harder about ways to bench him.

Andy Pettitte – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 Ks.  I don’t think I’ve owned a Yankee pitcher in five years.  Too many headaches with the division and now the ballpark.  Pettitte’s one of those I wouldn’t have owned (though used to when he was on the Astros).  But through it all, Pettitte has pitched well this year.  Nothing incredible (4.18 ERA, 1.40 WHIP, around 7 K/9), but solid.

Alfonso Soriano – May need knee surgery.  No word if he’ll have it sooner than later.  My guess is later, but if he does it sooner, then suddenly we have a some playing time for Jake Fox.  Yes, Soriano’s fallen far when I’m hoping for knee surgery and I own him in a league.

Milton Bradley – HR yesterday.  Before the game, he talked about how much he hates Chicago, “I’m talking about hatred, period. I’m talking about when I go to eat at a restaurant. I’ve got to listen to the waiters badmouthing me at another table, sitting in a restaurant.”  Milton needs to stop eating at Dick’s Last Resort.

It’s good to be past the trading deadline.  The closers that kept their job feel woobie-safe.  Pull down the Murphy bed, Qualls is here to stay! You might be right, random italicized voice.  Don’t forget, closers still find a way to lose their job.  In the past week, Downs is down, Jenks looks jenky, Frank-Frank is a baby sneeze away from another stint on the DL, I fully expect Lindstrom to get back in the closer picture within two weeks and Nathan seems about as safe as they come and yet, he’s still just a closer.  Look at the ground with your forward facing eyes and put some drops in the eyes in the back of your head.  In other words, don’t settle in.  Sleep is the cousin of death.  Anyway, here’s all of the closers for your fantasy baseball team, as of right now:

$12 Salads

You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad? Every time you go there, you have a thoroughly solid meal. No complaints, except you just paid $12 for a salad when you could’ve went to McDonald’s and stuffed you and your woman for ten schmools and had $2 in quarters left over to make the hotel bed vibrate. These closers are $12 salads.

1. Joe Nathan (+1) (Matt Guerrier, Jose Mijares)
2. Jonathan Papelbon (+2) (Takashi Saito, Hideki Okajima, Manny Delcarmen)
3. Francisco Rodriguez (-1) (Pedro Feliciano, Bobby Parnell)
4. Mariano Rivera (+2) (Phil Hughes)
5. Jonathan Broxton (-4) (Ramon Troncoso, George Sherrill)

Donkey-corns

Imagine you’re following a donkey, who’s wearing a wool cap, through a desert for 1700 miles. Why are you following a donkey? Because he promises you something wonderful and you just need to trust him. Does the donkey talk? Yes. Yes, he does talk. So when you and the donkey in the wool cap arrive at his destination, he removes his the wool cap to reveal a horn. The donkey is a unicorn and his gift to you for your trust is saves. These closers are Donkey-corns.

6. Heath Bell (-1) (Luke Gregerson, Mike Adams)
7. Joakim Soria (+14) (Juan Cruz, Jamey Wright)
8. Francisco Cordero (David Weathers, Arthur Rhodes, Nick Masset)
9. Jose Valverde (+11) (Chris Sampson, Alberto Arias, LaTroy Hawkins)
10. Ryan Franklin (Jason Motte, Kyle McClellan, Dennys Reyes)
11. Huston Street (+2) (Rafael Betancourt, Matt Daley)
12. David Aardsma (Sean White, Mark Lowe)
13. Brian Wilson (Jeremy Affeldt, Bob Howry)
14. Trevor Hoffman (+9) (Todd Coffey, Mitch Stetter)
15. Kevin Gregg (Carlos Marmol)
16. Fernando Rodney (Bobby Seay, Brandon Lyon)
17. Rafael Soriano (+2) (Mike Gonzalez, Peter Moylan)
18. J.P. Howell (+4) (Dan Wheeler, Grant Balfour, Joe Nelson)
19. Brian Fuentes (-10) (Jason Bulger, Darren Oliver, Justin Speier)
20. Chad Qualls (+8) (Jon Rauch)
21. Brad Lidge (-3) (Ryan Madson)

Brain Freeze

I’m going on a picnic and I’m bringing apples, bananas and Troy Percival– Wait, he just gave up 12 earned runs and hit Pena in the head with a pickoff throw. Brain freeze! Make it stop! Use the following closers at your own risk.

22. Matt Capps (+4) (Jesse Chavez)
23. Kerry Wood (+2) (Chris Perez, Joe Smith)
24. Mike MacDougal (+5) (Sean Burnett, Jason Bergmann)
25. Andrew Bailey (-12) (Michael Wuertz, Brad Ziegler)
26. Frank Francisco/C.J. Wilson (-2) (Darren O’Day)
27. Bobby Jenks (-10) (Matt Thornton, Octavio Dotel, Scott Linebrink)
28. Jason Frasor (-2) (Scott Downs, Brandon League)
29. Leo Nunez (Matt Lindstrom, Kiko Calero, Dan Meyer)
30. Jim Johnson (-11) (Danys Baez, Chris Ray, Billy Ray Valentine)

Jay Bruce owners got their first bit of good news from him as he fractured his wrist.  This is like when you’re in a terrible relationship that you can’t get out of because you’re scared to be alone, then the other person comes home and says they’re leaving you.  In 12 teams or shallower and non-keeper leagues, I’d remove Jay Bruce from the salamander and chuck him.  Even if he comes back, he wasn’t hitting when his wrist bone was connected to his forearm bone.  As for keepers, I thought Bruce would be a good sleeper candidate for next year.  Now with the nature of his injury, I’m not so sure.  If he needs surgery, it’ll be a much longer process. (When this post went to the (Word)presses, they weren’t sure if Bruce needed surgery.)  To go out on a limb — something Bruce can’t do so well right now — I’m calling Jay Bruce a top fantasy sleeper for 2011 — when we’ll all be taking flying cars to our draft.  Chris Dickerson, who had the start and a steal yesterday, gets an added boost as he’ll see time against righties.  That’s until Dusty grows bored of him.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Tim Stauffer – 7 IP, 2 ER on Saturday vs. the Giants.  He’s the newest HodgePadre.

Jonathan Sanchez – Last no-hitter for the Giants was John Montefusco.  Before picking up Sanchez, think about everyone that picked up Montefusco after his no-hitter.  (Okay, there was no such thing as fantasy baseball when Montefusco pitched his, but I think you get my point.)  If Sanchez had pitched a two-hitter instead of a no-hitter, would you even be considering him?  Things that make you say hmm…

Barry Zito – 4 1/3 IP, 9 ER.  As the BBWAA hold a caucus at the All-Star Game about giving Zito’s Cy Young to Pedro Martinez.

John Bowker – 2-for-4, HR yesterday.  I promise this is my last Giants player blurb.  Bochy is supposedly going to play Bowker every day.  Bowker’s proven more than capable in the minors.  This year’s Triple-A numbers are 63/17/63/.347/10 with more walks than strikeouts.  In NL-Only leagues, you should absolutely grab him.  In mixed leagues, I’d wait a few unless you’re absolutely hurting for power.

Jack Hannahan – Joel Hanrahan’s half-brother was traded to the Seattle Mariners.  You may ask yourself, why do I need to know this?  You don’t.  And the days go by, water flowing underground…

Jeff Francoeur – Traded to the Mets for Ryan Church.  Maybe the change of scenery is all he needed, but for right now I still think Frenchy’s *pinkie to mouth* toast.

Marc Rzepczynski – 6 IP, 3 ER, 5 Ks, 3 walks.  Surprisingly, you can spell Rzepczynski without two BBs, but he can’t pitch without them.

Ryan Church – The recession is hitting everyone, and now the Braves will only carry left-handed scissors.  I wouldn’t bother with Church, except on short schedule days when you’re just playing matchups.

James Shields – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 2 Ks.  Why can’t he hold a damn lead?  Seriously.  What the eff?  And two Ks?  Who are you, Joel Pineiro?

Brett Anderson – Left after four innings because his back stiffened up.  A’s are saying he should be fine and Steven Tyler’s saying he’ll be F-I-N-E.

Brandon Inge – 2 HRs yesterday, now has 21 on the year.  I guess 35 homers from your catcher slot bores you.

Josh Whitesell – Tony Clark’s release means two things.  1) Josh Whitesell should get the call-up.  He’s a decent flier in NL-Only play.  2) The Diamondbacks are now without a center for their pickup basketball games.

Ryan Ludwick – 5-for-9 in the doubleheader and 2 HRs, then robotically walked onto the field saying, “I must kill the Queen.”

Joe Mauer – 0-for-5 as the Twins scored 13.  Ticker Tease!

Brooks Conrad – HR yesterday.  Has 2 homers since his callup.  He’s a poor man’s Dan Uggla.  Has some modest pop, no average and Bobby Cox seems content to play him.

Manny Acta – Fired as Nats manager.  Guess you can’t fire a whole franchise.

Mike Napoli – HR on Saturday as he plays every day at DH while Vlad figures out why he has Andre Dawson’s knees.

Clay Buchholz – Will start Friday, but the Sawx plan on sending him down right afterwards.  I believe them.

Josh Beckett – 9 IP, 0 ER, 7 Ks, only 3 baserunners for his 11th win.  He was my preseason AL Cy Young prediction.  At the break, picks don’t look awful.  (Just ignore any mention of Alfonso Soriano.)

Garrett Jones – Hit his 5th homer yesterday.  That’s his fifth homer in 11 games.  That includes a three homer weekend.  He also has 3 steals while batting .310.  What else is in Garrett Jones’s locker?  He bats third and there’s really no one on the Pirates to challenge him for that spot if he hits…. Or even if he doesn’t hit.

Ryan Doumit – Returned from the DL.  People are clamoring for Doumit like he’s going to save their team.  Last year was the outlier.  He’s worth a flier because he’s a catcher, but he may only hit 7 homers with a .260 average the rest of the way.  Not to mention, he’s injury-prone.

J.P. Howell – 1 1/3 IP, 3 ER.  Kazaam!

Yovani Gallardo – 5 IP, 5 ER.  Has now thrown 9 walks in the last 10 innings.  As I pointed out a few weeks ago, he’s been pitching closer to a 4 ERA than a 3.  Trust me, I’m not thrilled either.

Clayton Kershaw – 6 IP, 1 ER, 2 hits, 5 walks.  Over the course of 99 and 2/3 innings this year, he’s issued 59 walks.  Okay, hotshot, how many more hits than walks has he given up?  A) 1-10 B) 11-20 C) 21-30 D) None of the Above E) Colonel Mustard.  If you guessed A, you looked up his stats pretty quick, cheater.  He’s given up 9 more hits than walks.  I don’t feel like doing the research, but has anyone in the history of baseball ever thrown more than 100 innings and had less than 10 more walks than hits while maintaining a sub-3.50 ERA?  Betcha Jayson Stark or some doode wearing a bow tie at Elias Sports Bureau knows.