Fantasy Baseball Advice

In honor of Cinco de Mayo, I won’t mention it again because I don’t know what it means other than most bars have deals on tequila shots.  What I will talk about is the pitchers that are getting lucky thus far according to their xFIP.  If you don’t know what the xFIP I’m talking about.  Read the following:  xFIP — stands for Expected Fielding Independent Pitching.  It’s basically ERA without those pesky fielders helping or hurting you.  It’s a pure ERA.  It’s like when you go to the Supercuts and then you don’t want to shower for like 2 weeks because you’ll never get your hair styled again like Jeffrey does it.  It’s your hair right after Jeffrey styles it and before you wash it.  That’s xFIP.  Okay, so let’s take a Exhibit A pitcher, who has an ERA of 2.75, but his xFIP is a 6.75.  A -4.00 difference.  That means he’s been very lucky and there’s a good chance his ERA is going to go way up.  So here’s a list of pitchers with the biggest difference between their actual ERAs and their xFIPs for the first month or so of the fantasy baseball season. (If your guy’s on the list, it’s not a great sign.)

Dustin Moseley – -2.21.  I’d still continue to throw him in Petco-sponsored games, but I’d be careful about his away games.  At some point, he’s gonna look like Dustin Diamond.

Alexi Ogando – -1.89.  “His stuff is soooooo nasty!”  That’s you.  Soooooo, why is his K-rate soooooo whatever?  Ogando’s men LOB% is off the charts silly and his BABIP is abnormal like those cylinder hamburgers that rotate at 7-11.

Josh Tomlin – -1.57.  It is a total shocker to see Lily’s kid on this list of the luckiest pitchers.  Only because I’m surprised I even bothered mentioning him.

Zach Britton – -1.53.  Not surprising to me since he doesn’t strikeout anyone (4.78 K/9).  Throw in a terrible division and he’s going to hit the roofie skids at some point.  Caveat emptor for our Latin friends.

Kevin Correia – -1.45.  Wait, Correia actually sucks?  C’mon!  Get outta town, Grey!

Justin Masterson – -1.42.  Well, you knew his ERA wouldn’t stay in the low 2′s, at least you should’ve known.  But since his xFIP is 3.67, he could be usable going forward.  At least that’s what I want to tell myself since we actually own him in a league.

Tom Gorzelanny – -1.38.  To nerdify Shakira, his BABIPs lie, which has his WHIP at a redonkulous level.

Jeremy Guthrie – -1.29.  This post is kinda like shooting fish in a barrel.  Of course, Guthrie isn’t a 3.00 ERA pitcher.  Sorry to his fantasy owners and family.

Randy Wolf – -1.23. Since Wolf’s xFIP is only 3.62, I wouldn’t be as concerned.  If you get a 3.62 from Wolf, you’d take that all day long and twice on Muesday.

Trevor Cahill – -1.23.  Since I don’t own him anywhere, I look forward to the team from White-Out dropping correction fluid all over his stats.

Another week has come and gone my friends, well, I’m assuming we are friends. Hopefully fake baseball is still enjoyable to you, even if your team is in the crapper. It’s not too late, in fact it’s still way early. Trust in the pitcher is the biggest thing that makes a start a must start. Listen, I can’t put it to you any simpler than this. Pitchers are held to a different standard than hitters. They can get a hitter out 7 times out of 10 and they look terrible. But if they get them out 8 out of 10, we salute them, throw a parade and erect sandcastles in there honor. It’s a fine line between being great and being crappy. I have said this before and I still use it for “entertainment value” when determining if I am going to start a guy on a certain day. Go to your trusty odds maker, whether it be the newspaper, website or Uncle Geno. The people who have the most to lose on this know what they’re doing. That’s why there are no casinos named after charitable organizations. So, in times of despair, don’t fret, you are surrounded by information that will guide you in the right direction. Unfortunately, when the pitcher sucks and should have been great, there is nothing we can do but take it on the chin. Enjoy another week of fantasy double dipping and streaming. (Please keep in mind that pitchers and matchups may change.)

ONE START OPTIONS

5/3
Sam Lecure vs. Hou – Figueroa
5/4
Clayton Richard vs. Pit – Correia
Jake Arrieta @ KC – Davies
Fausto Carmona @ Oak – Cahill
5/5
Bruce Chen vs. Bal – Tillman
Joel Pineiro @ Bos – Lackey
5/6
Ian Kennedy @ SD – Stauffer
Philip Humber @ Sea – Fister
Jason Hammel @ SF – Cain
5/7
Charlie Morton vs. Hou – Norris
Jon Garland @ NYM – Young

TWO START OPTIONS

Josh Tomlin (@Oak vs. Ross, @Ana vs. Haren) Finally getting use out of that magic trick game he got as a kid. BAA is tiny .186, there is always a but though, a low K/9 and is second in LOB%. I believe Napoleon Dynamite said it best, “Lucky.”

Brandon McCarthy (Tex vs. Holland, @KC vs. Hochevar) Already a 1 WAR pitcher, there are only 15 in all of baseball. Numbers are saying that he should be even better than he has already shown. Best showing for a McCarthy since Weekend at Bernie’s.

Mike Leake (Hou vs. Happ, @CHC vs. Russell) Five-fingered Mike. Cueto’s return is coming most likely in the Cubs series. Homer not too long after. Tough decisions for Dusty. I rank ‘em Wood, Leake and then Bailey, until he proves he can’t get hurt walking and chewing gum at same time.

Erik Bedard (Tex vs. Ogando, CHW vs. Buehrle) I’m not a buyer here. Some K potential but injuries and Seattle’s offensive woes make me wonder when the last time an Erik actually did something good, not so fast there Poncherello.

Chris Volstad (@StL vs. Lohse, Was vs. Gorzellany) Don’t know why I like him, maybe it’s the height thing. Gets me easily confused with Josh. Medium K potential, but based on match-ups this week me likey a little extra.

Tyson Ross (Cle vs. Tomlin, @KC vs. Francis) A’s pitchers are hot commodities this week. Decent numbers in minors for K’s. Control will be a problem. Just getting stretched out, 2-3 more starts will put him in the “Why didn’t I add him before he took off?” category.

Livan Hernandez (Phi vs. Oswalt, @Fla vs. Sanchez) The epitome of fishing for wins. Offers zero K’s but keeps trucking along giving you 6 innings of 3 run ball. About as cool for fantasy rosters as Jorts.

Esmil Rogers (@Ari vs. Saunders, @SF vs. Vogelsong) Looked up his family bio and has a brother named Egrimac. Walks make me unhappy, looking to avenge only bad start of the season against SF. Compare his numbers to Ubaldo, yeah, he isn’t that bad now.

Jeremy Guthrie (@CHW vs. Buehrle, TB vs. Shields) Hard luck guy, Dustin Moseley even feels bad. Take away the start vs. Cle and he has allowed 3 runs in 27 innings. Always liked Stanford alums, maybe it’s because of the LSJUMB.

Wade Davis (Tor vs. Reyes, @Bal vs. Bergesen) Poor K/BB ratio, still sporting an ERA in the high 2’s. Seems to be pitching better than ancillary numbers would suggest. Is still way under owned and looked at, first it was Hellickson and his boyish charm and now it’s Shields who likes to do everything by himself.

We’re going streaming! No? Okay, it’s just me then. As I was doing the research for this week, two things happened. One, I threw up at the possibility of adding any of these lower end guys. Secondly, I kept thinking that maybe I am losing touch with the fantasy world. Has one week really shifted to a baseball tangent of have-nots having relevant value. I’m befuddled at the lack of value for this week’s streaming party. With all the lower end pitching that is out there we get 2 start games from possibly the worst 4 teams in baseball (with their respective options for fantasy goodies). I am upset and demand a pamphlet or at least a seminar on how this happened. This week may be a decent week for you to string along 2 or 3 separate one start pitchers instead. I have included a small list of them as well for your viewing enjoyment. So as you read this, approach with caution and just be confident of the fact that better times are coming for two start pitchers. Good luck. (Please be aware that pitchers and match ups change)

One Start options:
Phil Coke – @Sea vs. Fister 4/19
Esmil Rogers – SF vs. Sanchez4/19
R.A. Dickey – Hou vs. Norris 4/20
Jon Garland – Atl vs. Lowe 4/20
Charlie Morton – @Fla vs. Nolasco 4/20
Josh Tomlin – @KC vs. O’Sullivan 4/21
Kyle Lohse – Was vs. Gorzellany 4/21
Derek Holland – KC vs. Francis 4/22
Clayton Richard – Phi vs. Blanton 4/22

Kevin Correia (@Cin-Wood, Was- Hernandez) – Looked good for 5 innings in last start, unfortunately it isn‘t tee-ball. Lack of K’s is unappealing. Staff aces on mediocre teams get no love.

Jake Westbrook (Was-Lannan, Cin-Lecure) – By name he looks awesome this week. By performance, one would think Duncan hates his guts. Let’s be honest he is a lunch pail ground ball pitcher — no more, no less.

Sam LeCure (Ari-Galarraga, @STL-Westbrook) – 2nd start may be in question with DL returnees Bailey and Cueto. Does a really great Robert Smith impression for his Quebec-based cover band. Seems destined to be in and out of rotation all year.

John Lannan (@STL-Westbrook, @Pit-Maholm) – Decent career numbers against the ‘Lou. Better match-ups this week than the last 2, Nats need to start hitting, starting to be referenced with the Mariners.

Brandon Beachy (@LA-Kuroda, @SF-Lincecum) – Ugh and yuck. Doesn’t seem to be getting any easier for the sleeper. 2 rough road starts.

Jason Vargas (Det-Scherzer, Oak-Anderson) – One bad start in between 2 decent. Can’t trust a team that doesn’t score, plain and simple.

Dustin Moseley (@CHC-TBD, Phi-Lee) – Only given up 4 ER all year in 3 decent starts. Hodgepadre indeed.

Bruce Chen (Cle-Carrasco, @Tex-Holland) – Last 10 starts dating back to last year, 7-1 with a 3.45 ERA. I can’t make stuff up like that.

Fausto Carmona (@KC-Davies, @Min-Liriano) – Unreliable, best word I can think of. Based on match-ups though it makes sense. Minny has 3, count them 3 HR’s all year. The Indians are getting it done though, don’t have the talent to sustain but will be a headache for awhile.

Jonathon Niese (Hou-Rodriquez, Ari-Galarraga) – Last 2 starts not so hot, next 2 pale in comparison by offensive measures. Two starts at Metco, a resounding… maybe. The Wandwagon has lost its wheels and is now a sled and ‘Almost Perfect’ has been anything but.

Jordan Walden is replacing Fernando Rodney as the closer for the Angels.  The Angels decided to drop a guy with two first names for a guy with two last names.  Makes sense – you start a game with a guy with two first names, you close a game with a guy with two last names.  (No bullpen backup plan for you, Jeff Francis!)  (Oh, and don’t forget Charles (Jeff) Nelson Reilly in middle relief.)  Walden should be owned in every league that counts things like saves.  Seems like a Neftali-type situation.  Walden has to lose the job back to Rodney.  Fernando can’t win it back by just being good (as remote as that even seems).  By June, Walden can be a Donkeycorn and never look back.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Kendrys Morales – Took BP.  Where?  To court for the oil spill?  *rereading news report*  Oh!  Batting practice.  That’s a good sign.  If someone lost patience with Kendrys, I’d buy him for sixty cents on the dollar.  No more though, he could be a setback away from missing another month.

Hank Conger – Homered in his first start of the season.  Here’s what Stephen said about Conger, “He has above average bat speed and contact.  His plate-discipline is stellar but his defense is still marginal at best.  I don’t see the Angels giving him much of a chance catching.”  And that’s me quoting Stephen!  Conger’s in a tough spot for playing time; Scioscia loves Mathis like a fat kid loves cake.

Sean Rodriguez – 1-for-3 with his first homer.  This comes after Maddon announced Felipe Lopez would see time at 3rd while Longoria’s out.  Sean-Rod pissed off the baseball gods in another life because he just can’t get guaranteed playing time no matter where he is.  Oh, and on a real baseball note, the Rays don’t look good.  That is all.

Madison Bumgarner – 3 IP, 3 ER vs. the Padres.  When the only hitter you need to pitch around is Nick Hundley, you kinda should beat the team… Or at least get out of the fourth inning.

Aaron Harang – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Before the game, Tony Gwynn announced the arrival of a brand new Hodgepadre.  Then Tony ate a hot fudge sundae while watching a videotape of his old at-bats.  Pretty unsexy name, but the Harangutan is worth starting at home in every league until he no longer is.

Mike Leake – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Before you run out and pick him up, this was against the team Ed Wade’s Toupee put together that is currently 0-4.

Mike Stanton – Pinch hit yesterday, but is supposedly not starting until Friday with his hamstring strain.  The real sad emoticon in this whole thing is he had leg issues in the spring so hopefully this won’t be an ongoing issue the whole year.

Gaby Sanchez - 2-for-5, hitting .444 on the year.  I wouldn’t defrost Ted Williams head just yet, but he’s hitting well.

Anibal Sanchez – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 7 Ks.  It’s not Dirty Sanchez, it’s not Filthy Sanchez, it’s Unsanitary Sanchez.

Ryan Zimmerman – 1-for-2 with his first homer and he’s hitting .364.  Member when you wouldn’t draft him because he wasn’t playing in Spring Training?  Oh, you.

Mike Morse – 1-for-4 with 3 Ks, now hitting .154.  I’d say he’s not hitting righties, but he’s not hitting lefties either.

Brandon McCarthy – 8 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks vs. the 1927 Blue Jays.  What I’m thinking with McCarthy is Beane, as played by Brad Pitt, hasn’t had much luck in the last few years, so McCarthy is gonna pan out.  I think that’s confirmation bias, but I don’t feel like going to Wikipedia to look it up.  Either way, that’s a marginal ‘keep your eye on him, but don’t pick him up yet.’  (Sorry, you now have to read the rest of this with one eye.)

Conor Jackson – 2-for-4 as he hit 3rd.  He’s like totally recovered from Valley Fever, as if.  BTW, he’s a backup outfielder as of right now.  Yes, a team is very good when they have a backup outfielder batting third.  /sarcasm

Brian Fuentes – Out with a blister.  The A’s manager hopes Fuentes can go Wednesday.  Fantasy managers that own Fuentes aren’t sure what to hope for.

Alex Gordon – 3-for-5 with his first homer (in possibly 4 years, or maybe it just feels that way).  After he hit the home run, fireworks went off… In my heart.  He’s batting third and hitting; ask questions later, just pick him up.

Alcides Escobar – 1-for-5.  Whoopie-doo, I know.  But he stole his 2nd base.  Last year, it took him until May 29th to steal his 2nd base.  Oh, it’s on.

Yovani Gallardo – 9 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Rudy picked him to win the Cy Young.  In the preseason, I ranked him 10th overall for all starters.  If you’re reading this, you probably own him.  Yay us!

Carlos Gomez – Benched for Nyjer.  And that’s how quickly a major league manager can realize a player sucks at baseball.   Oh, well.

James McDonald -  4 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks.  I gotta be honest, my heart wasn’t fully into this guy as a potential late round bargain.  Pirates pitchers are arghuably the worst in baseball from 1 through 5.  In most competitive leagues, I’d hold McDonald for another start, but start making other plans.

Kyle McClellan – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks.  I’m eating whatever Dave Duncan is cooking.

Cole Hamels – 2 2/3 IP, 6 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Drop him!  I keed.  He had a 5.28 ERA last April and still ended the year with a 3.06.  As they say in Vegas about the shoe, you gotta deal with it.

Chris Young – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Was so cute the way the giraffes at the Bronx Zoo all gathered around the TV to watch this start.  I liked Young when he pitched for the Padres, and Metco isn’t that bad, but his fastball has been trending down for four years and he works up in the zone.  9 baserunners in 5 and a third like yesterday isn’t great.  You can pick him up, I wouldn’t.  I.e., You do what you do and I’ll do what I do and we’ll be fine.

Josh Tomlin – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks.  I believe Josh Tomlin was a child actor on an 80′s sitcom.  I wouldn’t pick him up, Willis.

Josh Beckett – 5 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Sticking with the newly established Josh theme, I don’t love Beckett to bounce back from last year.

Barry Enright – 6 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Uncle Barry was babysitting the baby bears and they went wild.  BTW, Barry Enright vs. Andrew Cashner sounds like a match-up in the Greater Westchester County Dental Tennis league.

Andrew Cashner – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Pitched beautifully until he left the game with tightness in his shoulder.  Accidentists happen.

Tyler Colvin – 1-for-3 with his 1st homer of the year.  It’s about time!  Oh, wait, it’s less than a week into the season.  Eh, you probably dropped him already.

Jhoulys Chacin – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Another pitcher I told everyone and their pedophile uncle to draft.  Hope you had the peanuts to start him in Coors.

Chris Iannetta – 1-for-3 with his first homer and he’s hitting .444 on the year.  I saw someone ask the other day in the comments if they should drop him.  Didn’t you just draft him?

Michael Pineda – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Not bad vs. Texas.  But, hey, listen, he’s a rookie, it’s not going to be all peaches and cream in the champagne room every start out.

Willie Bloomquist – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and a steal.  Justice has been served!

Juan Miranda – 1-for-3.  Kirk Gibson announced Miranda would get the majority of the starts to see what they have in him.  Finally, a manager that makes a smart decision.  Miranda’s worth a flyer in leagues 14+ to see if he can not only stick but make good on some of his promise.

Justin Upton – 1-for-4, I wish Justin and B.J. had a brother named Wes.  Wesssssupppppton!

Mark Teixeira – His fourth homer.  He attributed his newfound early season success to not sleeping since last October.  This message was sponsored by Red Bull.

Alexi Ogando – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks.  A… O… A’ight!  He left with a blister.  Probably because he was throwing heat.  He won’t be in the rotation for long, but you have my permission to grab him while he is.

Aaron Hill – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs.  I think I heard mumblings in the forums or the comments or somewhere that Aaron Hill is already a bust.  Um, they’ve only played four games and he’s hitting cleanup for the 1927 Blue Jays.  Chillax.

Jose Bautista – Out because of a personal matter.  I’m guessing he’s in Russia killing people for Ben.

Logan Morrison played at the same community college as Albert Pujols.  That’s two more MLB players than Middlesex County College or MC-squared as we called it.  Let’s look at what Stephen wrote about Morrison, “Blessed with a balanced, flat swing with plus-power, and the organization’s best plate-discipline…  The only thing more exciting than Morrison is pasting copies of Grey’s photo to a dartboard and piercing his eyeballs.”  Hmm… Hadn’t read that last part before.  A rookie with good plate discipline and power is really all you need to know when considering a guy for keepers.  Own and own now.  So is it time to get on board the LogaMotive in redraft leagues?  As a disgruntled horse would say, “What the hey?”  When met with choosing between upside and a random schmohawk outfielder behind door number three, you go with upside.  Just don’t crazy and drop anyone too valuable.  I imagine Morrison will lose some playing time to Bonifacio and might struggle in the beginning.  Conservatively, I’ve give him 8 homers and a decent average.  The upside is obviously there and if he hits out of the gate, his name value will provide more than his actual worth on the trade market.  A lot depends on if the Marlins take it fast or slow with LogaMo.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jason Bay – Out with a mild concussion.  This would explain a lot if it happened in March and was just discovered.

Jonathon Niese – 6 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 1 K.  Wasn’t the prettiest start, but I’ve seen worse.  *cough* Wainwright *cough*  Still, Niese has only one bad start in his last 10.  Really no reason you shouldn’t own him.

Huston Street – Was hit by a line drive then fainted two or three times from the pain.  Obviously I don’t wish ill on anyone, except for maybe Jason Bay.  But how do you faint two or three times?  You put the back of your hand to your forehead and you faint.  Then you’re revived.  That’s it.  Let’s act it out.  “The pain is terrible.  I can’t take it, Jeeves.  I just can’t.”  You faint.  Jeeves pats your forehead with a cold rag while your suitor waves his top hat to give you air.  You waken.  “Are you all right?  You fainted.”  “Yes, Jeeves.  Thank you.  Perhaps you could fetch me a glass of bubbly water.”  See!  One faint!  Well, I grabbed Corpas wherever I had room.  If anyone can take a day-to-day and turn it into a 60-day DL stint, it’s Street.

Jorge de la Rosa – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Now has back-to-back solid starts.  Yes, I’d prefer him over Volquez at this point.

Troy Tulowitzki – 0-for-4 as he returned to the lineup.  Hope his return this soon isn’t *pinkie to mouth* wristki.

Tyler Colvin – 2-for-4 with his 4th homer in the last week.  Get ‘em while the gettin’s good.  I before e, pick him up if you need outfield help.

Brett Myers – 9 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 12 Ks.  Pitched brilliantly vs the Cubs.  Brett Myers’ wife was just glad he didn’t win a slugfest because sometimes Brett brings work home with him.

Chris Johnson – 2-for-4.  I picked him up for Monday’s short schedule day, but I held onto him a little longer and dropped someone else.  Why?  Cause Johnson’s crazy hot right now.

Hong-Chih Kuo – 2 IP, 0 ER, 5 Ks.  His ERA is 0.79, his WHIP is 0.76 and lefties are 0-for-the-season off him.  How’s your Holds guy doing?

Gavin Floyd – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Hasn’t given up more than 2 runs in any game since June 2nd.  Yup.

Alexei Ramirez – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer.  He has 5 steals on the year and a .288 average.  Take this how you want, but his stats are exactly what they should be.

Kerry Wood – Will close again when activated.  The Indians should’ve added, “And we can’t wait for him to return, because we love love love having him as our closer.  But we’d be willing to listen to offers if someone really wanted to trade for him.”

Josh Tomlin – 7 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Josh Tomlin, who likes to talk about himself in the third person, said, “Josh Tomlin fears no man, woman or whatever A-Rod is.”  Tomlin, 25, had a solid record in Triple-A this year –  2.68 ERA, 80:33 K:BB in 107 1/3 innings.  Could be a decent AL-Only pickup since hitters won’t be familiar with him.  You’re crazy if you grab him in mixed leagues.  Cray.  Zee.

Stephen Strasburg – Was scratched from his start when he couldn’t get loose.  He has inflammation in his right shoulder.  Wouldn’t be surprised if the Nats are very cautious and rest him for a week or so.  When the crowd saw it was Batista and not Strasburg starting, it was almost a modern day, Disco Demolition Night.  Like showing up at the theater and hearing, “Due to an illness to Kevin Spacey, his understudy will be performing tonight — the dad from The Hogan Family.”

Scott Olsen – Will return from the DL this Thursday.  He’s worth a grab, if you’re hurting for a 5th fantasy starter, but I wouldn’t start him in his first game back.

Edinson Volquez – 3 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Yeah, that wasn’t much better than his last start.  Tommy John recipients tend to have command issues when they return and Volquez already had problems throwing a rock into the ocean without the assist from gravity.  I’d start looking elsewhere.

Scott Rolen – 4-for-4, 3 RBIs in his 2nd game back.  Or as I like to call it “two less days until his next injury.”  If you’re hurting at your corner infidel spot, I could see grabbing him while he’s ‘healthy.’

Jose Lopez – Tight hamstring forced him from the game.  He’s day-to-day, or Day II Day, if you’re into R&B.

B.J. Upton – Twisted ankle and left the game.  He’s day-to-day, which isn’t nearly as exciting as one day until Desmond Jennings’ day.

Justin Upton – Left with hip tightness.  The Uptons should have never vacationed to Hawaii and stole that tiki idol from Vincent Price.

Shane Victorino – Is it me or did the entire league get hurt yesterday?  His oblique injury looked like it could mean a DL stint.  He could barely throw the ball back in.  Victorino said he’s hoping to avoid the DL.  Oh, who cares what Victorino’s saying?  Here comes Domonic Brown!  Maybe.  But pick him up just in case.

Dan Haren – Hey, some good injury news!  Haren says he’ll be able to make his next start.

John Lackey – 7 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. his former club, the Angels, as the Rally Monkey tipped his cap one last time.

J.J. Hardy – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and a homer.  I’ve quietly owned Hardy in one league for a week or two.  He’s hit in 8 of his last ten games and is capable of hitting 10 homers in the last two months.  It’s not much until you consider it’s at MI.

Danny Valencia – 4-for-4 on Monday, 4-for-5 yesterday…  14 for his last 19.  Yeah, I grabbed him in multiple leagues.  I think he flames out as quick as he’s heated up, but who knows?  Maybe he’ll Chris Shelton it for three weeks.  Oh, and if you’re wondering who I dropped.  Dexter Fowler, you’re dead to me until you start hitting again.  Get well soon!

Mike Gonzalez – 1 2/3, 0 ER.  Meanwhile, Alfredo got creamed.  You do the math!

Jose Bautista – 4-for-4, 5 RBIs and two homers to bring his total to 30.  Okay, I was way off with this guy, but I don’t think even Jose Bautista saw this year coming.  This is the craziest HR season since Brady Anderson suddenly hit 50 HRs.  Bautista hadn’t hit 30 homers in the past two years combined in 350 extra ABs.  It’s okay, it’ll make next year’s overrated post that much sweeter to write.

Cliff Lee – 9 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 13 Ks.  On the season, he has 114 Ks to 7 walks.  There’s gonna be some upset people on the internet when he loses the Cy Young because he doesn’t have enough wins.

Michael Wuertz – 1 IP, 2 ER and the first two run outing in over a month.  I haven’t had a year like this in a while.  I literally pick up a middle reliever to vulture saves and he invariably gives up runs.  It’s the Wuertz!

Tommy Hanson – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Best looking start for Hanson in over a month.  Could be headed for a solid finish on a pretty lukewarm season.

Chris Coghlan – He tore his meniscus while throwing a pie in Wes Helms face.  This is the worst pie-related injury since Stan Gable’s heart was broken when he saw his Betty topless at the bottom of a Nerd-sold creme pie.  But pie-related injuries go back centuries.  The first known pie-related injury was when Euclid hurt his pelvis during a visual explanation of circumference.  Chris Coghlan’s offseason workout program will be him serving tables at Marie Callender’s.