“Just because we share some organs doesn’t mean you can’t hit 2 two-run homers for each of us!” Josh Hamilton had a night that makes you feel like you’re seven years old again. You remember it. When the birds chirped, it made you smile. When your dad carried you on his shoulders, you were on top of the world. When you peed the bed, no one tried to commit you to rehab. People pinched your cheeks without you having to pay some stranger on Craigslist $75. You’d throw a pebble into the lake without worrying if you hit someone in the head and blinded them if your insurance would cover it. A time of joy. Wonder. No Splenda. That’s what Josh Hamilton did for us last night. And he also gave his stupid fantasy owners 4 friggin’ homers, going 5-for-5 with 4 runs and 8 RBIs. Why don’t I have him on every team?! I would not try and sell him high because if he stays healthy (it doesn’t have to be that remote of a chance, you cynical bastard), you have an MVP. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Adrian Beltre – 2-for-5 with a homer. Pfft, wake me when you hit three more! Please, blog, may I have some more?
I usually like to wait a couple of months into the season to look at some of the catchers that couldn’t throw out your grandma even if she loses the tennis balls off her walker. (What is the deal with those tennis balls? I feel like that’s the kinda nonsense thing that would have a Facebook Fan Page. Everyone who likes tennis balls on walkers! Yay! BTW, what did people do before Facebook? Oh, yeah, Myspace. BTW II, The Return of BTW, is there anything sadder than getting an email from Friendster. Hey, come check out the new Friendster! Sure, as soon as I get on the internet with this dial-up modem.) Or some of the catchers that are quite agile — hey, it’s Italian! I wait a few months because new catchers come into the league and I like to see a decent sample size — that’s what she said! Anyway, here’s some of the best and worst catchers for fantasy baseball:
Jonathan Lucroy – Has only thrown out 6 baserunners out of 33. And he doesn’t even get to try and throw out Prince Fielder. “Pretend 2nd base is a vegan muffin…Now run!”
John Jaso – 7 caught out of 35. And John Jaso Jingleheimer Schmidt doesn’t have to try and throw out Upton. Please, blog, may I have some more?
‘Uh-oh’ doesn’t really do the sight of Stephen Strasburg throwing a pitch and shaking his elbow in pain. Word is now he might go see Dr. Freeze. Usually a visit to Dr. Freeze means the pitcher will be out for at least a year. I think a visit to Dr. Please, blog, may I have some more?