Wanna really mess with your brain? Think about how you could have the same thing as Guy Pearce in Memento and you would never know. Okay, don’t think about it too long, it’ll mess with your brain too much and then I’m gonna get sued by your loved ones. “Judge, Grey Albright, Fantasy Master Lothario (don’t abbreviate it), told my darling boy, Josh, to think about how he could have a brain dysfunction and now I have to change his diaper and order in for Chinese food every fifteen minutes because he keeps forgetting he just ate.” That’s your momma in front of the judge, suing me. Steve Pearce is a thirty-one-year-old journeyman. That’s not a cartographer, that’s a guy who isn’t very good and just travels around offering his services for all-you-can-drink Gatorade. Yes, he hit two homers yesterday and has hit 9 homers in just two months while batting .336. This isn’t a matter of “Maybe he’s breaking out now.” No, there’s no breaking out for Steve Pearce. He doesn’t even sound right if you don’t say his full name. There’s no Steve and no Pearce. There’s only Steve Pearce and he’s the hottest schmotato in the land and is worth picking up while he’s swinging a hot bat, but I wouldn’t expect it to last that long. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

As many of you know, Bruce Bochy has the biggest head in the major leagues. As a player, when he was traded, he would have to take his helmet with him to his new club because the new team wouldn’t have a helmet big enough for him. It made traveling easier, since everything he needed would fit inside the helmet. We all know the story about how when Giants rookie, Joe Panik, was called up, he forgot to make arrangements to stay somewhere in the San Fran area, so he draped a sheet over Bochy’s cap and slept in there. Lots of good has come of Bochy’s giant melon. Of course, the 27-pound bowling ball has its drawbacks. Like when he went to see Toy Story and blocked half the audience. Lots of angry parents that day. Or the time he was in South Dakota and people starting climbing up his side thinking he was Mount Rushmore. Sometimes what would take a person with a normal-sized head a week or two to figure out, thoughts bounce around in Bochy’s Metrodome much longer. So when Sergio Romo wasn’t good for the month of May, then again in June, it took longer for Bochy to realize a change was needed, but he finally figured it out. Bochy said Santiago Casilla would replace Romo, then he banged the side of his head for 15 minutes waiting for another thought, and finally it came out that Jeremy Affeldt would see some situational saves, as long as Gilbert Gottfried isn’t introducing Affeldt at games. Yesterday, Affeldt got hit, and Casilla looked solid as he has all year. I’d grab Casilla in all leagues if you’re SAGNOF’ing around for saves. Hopefully, even if Bochy thinks about putting Romo back in the role, it takes a few weeks for that thought to land in the right spot in his cavernous whale head. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Well, you should be sorry, Ronald Belisario. You have been pretty rough on your owners since stepping into the closer role, testing the limits of SAGNOF and just how much pain a fantasy owner will endure to capture those elusive saves. Belisario was at it again last night and gave up three hits and two runs to the Blue Jays, recording just one out before being removed from the game. In just 12 innings pitched since inheriting the job, Ronny has surrendered 10 ER on 20 hits with three blown saves in in that time. More like RonaldO-No! Hey, a World Cup pun, how topical. In Belisario’s defense, he did manage eight saves during his stay as closer, but that’s more a testament to Manager Robin Ventura sticking with him this long. Well, Ventura has had enough. Alrighty then, Ventura, who’s your closer now? Jake Petricka finished out the game last night and notched his second save of the season. Petricka has a 2.08 ERA and 1.27 WHIP on the year and looks like the most likely choice to take over the closer role. Javy Guerra, Zach Putnam and Daniel Webb could also be names to watch and see chances were the Sox to go to a committee. Whatever the case, Ronald is out. And although he may not apologize for killing your ratios over the past month, you can drop him now, which is definitely something you won’t have to feel sorry about.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

…And by “IBS”, I don’t mean irritable bowel syndrome. In this context, I mean BABIP verified by ISO and Spd scores. Two things induce my real life IBS: nutrition, and my high impact dynasty leagues. Consider this series your dynasty IBS treatment.

BABIP has little face, so I use ISO (isolated slugging) and Spd (FG’s speed score) to verify the BABIP.

Check out Part 1 of this series where I delved into Trois-A assets. While Joc Pederson and Gregory Polanco naturally lead the rankings in conjunction with Quad-A guys like Andrew Brown and Chris Dickerson, I pointed to some translatable future impact in Chris Taylor and Domingo Santana, among others.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

I said in my last post I wanted to start off my articles with small discussions about this common game we play that bonds us. The people demanded, I deliver. Today, I want to talk about awareness. Being an aware fantasy manager. This means having some sense of what’s going on in your league, how the other managers are operating and how your general strategy compares.

Some of you, I’d bet, run your team like a horse wearing blinders during a race. While not always bad in horseracing, I would say this is decidedly a bad thing for a fantasy baseballer with title aspirations. This is because how you should optimally run your team is directly affected by how others are running theirs.

Right now, right this very instant, I encourage you to check out every roster in your league if you haven’t recently. At least the competitive ones. Indulge in a passing glance. I guarantee you’ll learn something that you will find interesting and in some way help you make better lineup decisions.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

As I look over my rosters for the year on DraftKings, the team I’ve won the most cash with is the Oakland A’s. The combination of Brandon Moss (who had two homers last night), John Jaso, Derek Norris, Yoenis Cespedes and even Josh Reddick have made bank for me all season. However, the player I’ve targeted most often is Josh Donaldson – especially against left-handers. Dongaldson has 15 jacks on the year and six of those have come off lefties in just 24 games. Guess who King Dong is facing today? The southpaw of suckitude known as Vidal Nuno. Stack them A’s and make sure the Bringer of Rain (as he calls himself on Twitter) is on your team – he’s your Guru’s dong of the day. *note to self: Buy Dong of the Day domain name, sell it to Brazzers, make millions, spend it all on DraftKings and expensive scotch, get liver transplant*

If you’re a DraftKing shark feel free to skip this section and get right to the lineup. If you’re a newbie to DFS play, here are your humble-but-nonetheless-handsome Guru’s top 5 tips for building your bankroll. 1) Don’t wing it. Only play if you have time to do the research. Your friends here at Razzball make that pretty easy with the DFSBot and the Razzball Hotsheet. And, if you follow me on the tweet machine, I do tweet out roster 411’s and weather updates – give me a follow. 2) Don’t blow all your bankroll in a day. Ha! I know it looks enticing to stick your “optimal lineup” into 45 contests hoping to win billions. However, as a rule, most sharks will tell you never wager more than 10% of your bankroll. 3) If you’re really new to the game, experiment with lineups and enter them into all the free contests that the fine folks at DraftKings has to offer. You won’t win cash, but bragging rights and experience go a long way towards future riches. 4) Ok, here’s one I learned the hard way: Trust your instincts. Sure, it’s not very scientific, but gut instincts are usually based in some sort of knowledge (if you’ve done your research). I can’t tell you how many times I’ve bailed on a guy at the last minute just to have him go off. I did it last night when I faded Brandon Moss for Justin Morneau when the rain in NYC scared me off. Moss hit two homers. 5) Don’t get stressed by a cold streak – Sky, get your head out of the oven! We all go through cold streaks. If you hit one, play cheaper games or free rolls and remember DFS is for “entertainment” purposes only. Ha!

With all the said, let’s get to the plays of the day. I’ll offer up some big names and some values plays. Let’s make it rain.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Wil Myers was diagnosed with a stress fracture in his hand. Experts are saying, “Guess you shouldn’t have drafted him!” Those are experts in schadenfreude. Other experts are saying he should’ve been wearing iron gloves called járngreipr. But those experts are in Norse mythology. Then there’s experts that say when he was injured he should’ve been going for a Chocolate Silk Pie Blizzard, but those are experts in Dairy Queen. Are there any experts on injuries that weighed in?! Oh, here’s one that says he’ll have his cast removed in about 6 weeks and could return in August. Ugh. I think I need a Blizzard. In shallower leagues where DL spots are already filled, I could see dropping him. In one 15-team league, I’m holding him, but Taijuan Walker is about to come off the DL, so I have room. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

If you haven’t heard about the fiasco surrounding the new Dodgers television deal then good for you. There are a lot more important and interesting things to talk/think/know about. If you want to know check out this article. The Dodgers are finding other ways to get their fans an opportunity to watch and it’s benefitting true baseball fans everywhere. It seems that the pitching staff is attempting to throw no-hitters on a daily basis so that MLB Network will show the late innings of games across the country including in the Los Angeles Area.

So… cable packages are skyrocketing out west. Join the party. Gas prices are highest in the country. Home prices are astronomical. Magic Johnson can’t be blamed for all of this. What has caused this? Well, it could be the fact that you get to watch championship caliber sports all year around—Seahawks, 49ers, Sharks, Kings, Ducks, Warriors, Giants and A’s. It could be that you don’t have to stay up until 2am to watch a full slate of games on a given day. Or, it could be the weather.

As I look across the slate of games on the menu today, every single game not being played on the west coast has a chance of rain. Every west coast game has a 0% chance of rain. I had to check 5 times to believe it myself. Yes, a couple of parks have retractable roofs which can minimalize the weather impact and some have only 20% chance, but that’s a scary sight to look at for daily fantasy.

Losing sucks. And when your players don’t play you tend to lose. I don’t wanna play that game today. I don’t want to hinge my dollars on the meteorologists. They have the only profession where a success rate worse than a major league hitter is acceptable. I’m not scared of rain, but as we all know by now millionaire baseball players are deathly afraid of playing in the rain. So there might not be too much baseball happening until 10pm EST.

No need to take the day off from Draftkings! It’s time for a late night party. There are options to participate in contests that only include early games or late games depending on the schedule for the day. Today offers “Late Games Only” contests on Draftkings. Let’s head out west. Remember, if you haven’t already signed up, this link will get you a free contest right off the bat—insinuating you have to hit the ball first. If you’re a swing and miss type of person, this probably isn’t for you. You’ll have to pony up some money.

These are my picks and I scoured every bit of information. As the whifey will attest, I’ve overlooked two things in my entire life—ok maybe that’s my version of the truth. Make sure you take a look at what the DFSBot has to say about points projections and price relative value before you set your lineups. Mrs. DFSBot has nothing bad to say about him so he must be perfect. Or abusive. I mean definitely perfect.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

It’s about that time, prematurely balding men and four girl readers. Gregory Polanco is nearing his call-up date. He is basically a young version of Starling Marte. As of this writing, he’s 22 years old. I’m hoping he’s still 22 years old when I’m done writing this post otherwise I spent way too much time on it. He can be a superstar, which has me excited. He won’t be a superstar this year, which takes the wind out of my sails for redraft leagues. Usually when I’m talking about wind in my sails, I’m wearing only my boxers and just ate a can of beans, so maybe it’s best if we ignore how much wind is in my sails. Polanco can hit 12 homers and steal 40 bags without killing you in average. Yes, I know, you love him too now. It’s okay, just because your father never loved you doesn’t mean you can’t love another man. In Single-A, Polanco had 16 homers and 40 steals. In Single-A, Marte had 3 homers and 24 steals. Granted, Polanco had 200 extra at-bats in his Single-A year. Granted, Part II: Granted Lives; Polanco was two years younger in his Single-A year. Marte doesn’t have anywhere near the plate discipline of Polanco, so, if anything, Marte will become a poor man’s Polanco. Polanco has the kind of pedigree right now that could mean he’s a top three rounder and one day supplanting The Dread Pirate as the best outfielder in Pittsburgh. I.e., The Sexy Dish That Ate Pittsburgh. Yes, I’m really excited for him. This past year between the two levels, he hit 12 homers and 37 steals while hitting .286. Christian Yelich went from Double-A to the majors and hit fine. Lots of players do. The Pirates weren’t that aggressive. If they were, then Polanco would’ve shot up my preseason rankings and I would’ve told everyone to draft him in every single league. Instead, Polanco went to Triple-A and continued to bash like your 12-year-old self idealizing Jose Canseco. As with rookies, you need to keep expectations in check. To misquote the immortal words of John Popper, “Nobody should think or expect too much while everyone is calling for the movie rights. Singing, ‘Hey, babe, let’s keep in touch. Hey, baby, let’s keep in touch.” He will be up in early June and now is the time to stash him. For 2014, I’ll give him the line of 32/8/36/.250/15 in 300 ABs. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

The date was 1 B.O. — that’s one year Before Okrent — and the Fantasy Baseball Overlord rose from the Fantasy Baseball Overlord’s Mom’s Basement and said, “Fantasy baseball lovers, I will grant you one wish.” One Fantasy Baseballer swooped his wisp of hair over his balding spot, in case he ran into any girls, and stepped forward, “I wish that all players would be healthy.” The Fantasy Baseball Overlord scratched under his armpit, thinking. “Fine, prematurely balding man, I will grant you your wish. May all players be healthy. Just not all at the same time or while on your team.” And with that the FBO descended back into its mom’s basement, since it was almost snack time. As the Overlord descended the stairs, the prematurely balding man yelled, “Wait, I didn’t agree to that!” But it was too late, and now Jose Abreu‘s landed on the DL too. Can’t we have anything nice?! Please return to us, The Grande Dolor! Wait a second, where was Frank Thomas this weekend? Frank Thomas did a Snapchat with the Fantasy Baseball Overlord, didn’t he? Answer me true, universe. The White Sox are saying Abreu will be fine to return after the minimum 15 days, and I say, *long sigh* hopefully. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?