You’ve got to be schlitting me, right? There’s actually a pitcher with the last name Schlitter. I was watching a Cubs spring training game last week and this guy was on the mound. It was literally a mound of schlit. I wonder… when he has an awful outing and someone asks him how he pitched, does he say “schlitty”? Another pitcher with an interesting last name is Jeff Manship. Manship! Sounds like the Carnival Cruise line that doesn’t allow any females. Or perhaps it’s the mode of transportation that Sean Doolittle will be offering to the dudes he bought tickets for to fill the seats in Oakland on LGBT Pride Night. And what about Josh Outman of the Atlanta Braves. Is he the guy that told everyone who secretly bought a ticket for the man ship? Any chance Josh Phegley is on that list? Wow, that really got outta hand fast. Did anyone throw a trident?Please, blog, may I have some more?
I thought Jay Bruce was a lock for 30/100 not dirty undies. Thirty-hundo not dirty-undies! All year Bruce Stinksteen has been behind “Born to Run” Billy Hamilton, Todd Frazier, who’s classically rocking out and Learning to Fly, and Devin “Is That Your Face Or Are You Wearing Wax Lips?” Mesoraco, who had a breakout season. And, here, Jay Bruce is less appetizing than sitting across from Bruce Jenner when it’s humid. Hard to know where the bottom is. Problem people find when speculating on stocks. Same problem with fantasy baseball. Yesterday, Bruce went 0-for-5 with five strikeouts while his team scored seven runs. He’s now hitting .218. But is that the bottom and he’ll turn things around in the final month? Or will he hit .150 in the final month and make you wish you owned some hot schmotato? The hell you say if I know. Depends a bit on your league, and I’ve been telling people to hold Bruce and wait for the turnaround, but if Steve Pearce or Adam Eaton or some other hot schmotato is on your waivers, I can understand moving on. Let Bruce loose, turnabout is fair play. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Yesterday, there was a pitching performance that truly captured the minds and hearts of the general public. You know, the general public — the people you smile at on the street and wonder how they got their shirt on because they look so dumb. Those people! This pitching performance wasn’t done by just any average pitcher. No, it was done by…an outfielder. Travis Snider struck out Joey Votto! Whaaaaaaat?! Oh, and Clayton Kershaw threw a no-hitter. It should’ve been a perfect game, but Hanley didn’t feel like it. It’s okay, Hanley, don’t beat yourself up over it too much. Let Dodger fans do it for you! Kershaw’s game wasn’t perfect in the strictly record book sense, but it was in the fantasy sense. 15 Ks, no hits, no walks — you now have the best pitching performance of this year, and it might be a top ten fantasy start of all-time. I wonder if you could buy him low. I keed! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Colby Rasmus took the Miller Park crowd and said, “How ya like me now?!” Then they said, “We don’t really know you, because the Blue Jays/Brewers rivalry extends only about an hour or so, unless you count that time Rance Mulliniks said this town was nothing but a bunch of Lenny and Squiggys. Please, blog, may I have some more?Please, blog, may I have some more?
You smell that? No, not your armpits. That’s Opening Day. The real thing this time! I love you, you sick, twisted, little game run by an egomaniac with a bad toupee. I love you! I want to touch baseball’s boobies! They are warm to my touch; those beautiful baseball boobies! Please, blog, may I have some more?Please, blog, may I have some more?
Welcome to week 12, please wipe your feet before you enter. For most leagues this week is the halfway point. Peripheral stats are darn near impossible to make up this late in the season, but the impossible is what fuels fantasy fires. Please, blog, may I have some more?Please, blog, may I have some more?
Okay, now picture you’re a Mets fan who was in a coma for three months and you just looked at the starting lineup. You’d be like, “Jeremy who? Cora what? Tatis huh? Why are the Mets playing a split squad game in June?” Um, yeah. Please, blog, may I have some more?Please, blog, may I have some more?
With 2 HRs yesterday, Adam Lind now has 36/11/43/.313 on the year. I know, Cody Ross has looked good for stretches. Even Aaron Rowand has had a week or two here and there. But why are people asking me if Adam Lind should be sold off or worse dropped? Please, blog, may I have some more?Please, blog, may I have some more?
Tommy Hanson was called up by the Braves yesterday. His numbers: 66 1/3 IP, 90 Ks, 0.86 WHIP, 1.49 ERA in Triple A. Hello, beautiful, may I interest you in this Sutter Home White Zinfandel? It’ll go lovely with your 90/17 K/BB ratio. Please, blog, may I have some more?Please, blog, may I have some more?