Fantasy Baseball Advice

Charlie Manuel confirmed Cole Hamels would have his next start skipped after an MRI showed he had shoulder inflammation.  But Manuel was wearing a wooden barrel being held up by suspenders so it made it difficult to pay attention to what he was saying.  Manuel then said, “When I ask for a straw, I don’t want a drinking straw.  Drinking straws are for 13-year-old girls!”  You know what would’ve been nice?  If Hamels settled all this MRI shizz before I had to set my weekly fantasy lineup.  Yes, this is all about me.  Here’s hoping Hamels only needs to miss one start and then can come back at full strength.  Though for a club that can afford to rest him and coast into the playoffs, it seems like a pipe dream.  But what about my H2H playoffs?!  Have I mentioned recently how much I hate H2H?  You got your marbles on the line and teams are resting their best marbles for the playoffs.  Marbles!  BTW, no one knows what that means, but it’s provocative.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Roy Halladay – 9 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 14 Ks.  From Rudy, “My DVR still has The Golden Girls from when my parents visited.  Oh, Estelle Getty, your delivery is prettier than Roy Halladay’s.”

Casper Wells – Has now homered in four straight games.  Casper was one of those cases where I saw him hit a homer and disregarded it, figuring he wouldn’t hit another one immediately.  Then disregarded the 2nd and 3rd homers too.   After four in a row, it’s hard to disregard.  He’s really not this good, I promise you.  But, and unless you’re an alien there’s always a but, he’s hitting the cover off the ball so you may as well grab him to see how long it can continue.

A.J. Pierzynski – To the DL.  He fractured his wrist trying to write his last name in cursive.

Hanley Ramirez – Won’t return when eligible.  If grit and doggedness were pistachios and cashews, Hanley would be allergic to nuts.

Jason Kipnis – Out for three straight days with a right oblique injury.  Why whenever I write Kipnis, I feel like a nosh?

Ubaldo Jimenez – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Maybe the Indians might want to raise the mound up a mile above sea level.

Pedro Alvarez – Optioned to Triple-A.  Pirates told him to come back when he can hit like that Brandon Wood fella.

Carlos Beltran – To the DL.  Mets doctors, “See, it wasn’t us!”

Jonathan Sanchez – To the DL.  He was seen on crutches yesterday after hurting his ankle.  For the first time, Sanchez can’t pitch because he can’t walk, usually it’s he can’t pitch because he can walk.

Chris Davis – Season’s over with a shoulder tear.  Obviously not easy to shoulder Bill James’s expectations.

Paul Goldschmidt – Has 19 Ks in 42 ABs.  He’s like Mark Reynolds 2.0.  Mark-Paul Reynoldschmidt who, unlike Mark-Paul Gosselaar, strikes out a lot.

Josh Collmenter – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Let’s look at his last ten starts.  He was beat badly by the Giants (5 IP, 5 ER), Oakland (4 2/3 IP, 5 ER) and the Dodgers twice (6 IP, 11 ER).  All these teams combined have one decent hitter (Kemp).  Then against the Phils, Brewers and Rockies (27 2/3 IP, 5 ER).  Collmenter should be starting the next All-Star game.

Mike Morse – 2-for-4, and his 21st homer.  His season slash line is .323/.372/.566.  Or maybe that’s his dot dot slash line.

Ryan Zimmerman – 1-for-4 with his 7th homer and 9th error.  The Mat Gamel special!

Chien-Ming Wang – 6 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 0 Ks vs. Mike Leake (6 IP, 5 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks).  Waited for someone at the park to hold up a sign that said, “Leake’s Here, Wang, Urine Trouble!”

Jacoby Ellsbury – 2-for-8 with his 21st and 22nd homer.  Read something on ESPN by one of their analcysts and it was saying how Adrian Gonzalez is the clear frontrunner for the MVP over Ellsbury.  All I know is if Ellsbury hit third this year, he’d have 27 homers, 35 steals and 120 RBIs.

Jeff Niemann – 9 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 10 Ks.  Sonavabench!

Desmond Jennings – 3-for-9 and his 5th homer to go along with his 9 steals, all in 23 games.  *drools*  To be totally silly, his numbers over a whole season prorate to 35 homers and 63 steals.  Reading that again, I just started giggling like a schoolgirl.  I will now go buy a Trapper Keeper and write his name all over it in pink highlighter.

J.D. Martinez – 0-for-4, lowering his average to .254.  The pressure of being the Astros’ hope and dreams obviously caught up to him.

Randall Delgado – 6 IP, 1 ER, 2 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Threw six no-hit innings until Cody Ross took him deep.  He’s being sent back down, but is well worth watching for when he returns.  Probably not the first person to make this comparison, but Teheran, Delgado, Minor, Beachy and Hanson?  Sounds a lot like what Leo Mazzone was rocking back and forth to for so many years like he was The Masturbating Bear.

Arodys Vizcaino – Speaking of dazzling Brave arms, Vizcaino has 5 1/3 IP, 5 Ks, 2 hits allowed and no earned runs so far since his call-uuuuuuuuup a’la Dave Hester.

Yovani Gallardo – 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Of course, he didn’t get the win.  Why would he?  I started him after all.  I will now walk barefoot on crushed glass.

Leo Nunez – 1 IP, 2 ER.  Continuing to limp along.  Cuff him with Cishek or Dunn.

Ivan Nova – 5 1/3 IP, 7 ER.  Well, that Nova burnt out quickly.

Troy Tulowitzki – Homered for the 2nd game in a row.  It must be August or September.  (Which is totally unfair, he was actually pretty solid all year.)

Ryan Dempster – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Has five straight quality starts.  He’s not owned everywhere, according to ESPN, but he should be.

Carlos Marmol – 1/3 IP, 4 ER.  Here’s a video of what Marmol did last night.

Justin Verlander – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks, which brings him to a 2.31 ERA, 0.88 WHIP and 204 Ks.  Will be a real joy in the playoffs when Tim McCarver explains how Verlander burst onto the scene this year, failing to mention how he’s been dominating 3 of the past 4 years.

Neil Walker – 3-for-5 with his 10th homer.  He’s now 5 for his last 8.  For someone that was cold for so long this might be the start of something.

Bobby Parnell – The Mets confirmed yesterday what I had been saying for a few weeks.  Parnell will take over the closer job now that Izzy got his 300th save.  Although the whole time I was saying it, I never stopped to think about it.  Who cares if Izzy saved 300 games?  Wasn’t like the Mets were doing this for the fanfare.  Izzy didn’t even record his 300th save in Metco.  Did Outback Steakhouse donate 300 blooming onions to the first 300 fans for the next Mets game?  Do the Mets want Izzy to wear their cap when he’s inducted into baseball’s Almost Hall of Fame with Fred McGriff?  300 saves is about as illustrious as a manager winning 300 games over the course of four seasons.  May the who’s better “Jason Isringhausen vs. Jeff Reardon” debates now start in earnest!

We have officially come to the overlap week. It happens every year when baseball begins to wind down and the whole affection for drafting takes over with football. You think fantasy baseball websites are watered down, football takes that to a new level. So why go anywhere else but the place where you come for the best fantasy baseball advice?  So here is my shameless plug to check out the fantasy football section of Razzball.  Guys over there are simply getting it done. So back to the lecture at hand, the playoffs are getting closer and innings limits are definitely coming into play. Pick your battles wisely with starting pitching, start your top 2 guys every start and match up with the other 3-4. Dump anyone you think is questionable or you don’t trust and pick up a reliable RP with good peripherals. So onto the guys who will help you in no innings limit leagues. It’s a rough week as a lot of the low-end guys face-off against good teams. Good luck. (Please keep in mind that pitchers and matchups change.)

ONE START OPTIONS:

8/17
Blake Beavan vs. Tor – Morrow
Fausto Carmona @ CHW – Humber
Brandon McCarthy vs. Bal – Simon

8/18
Luke Hochevar vs. Bos – Lackey
Chris Volstad @ SD – Stauffer

8/19
Rich Harden vs. Tor – Cecil
Mike Pelfrey vs. Mil – Pelfrey
Phil Hughes @ Min – Slowey

R.A. Dickey (@SD vs. Harang, Mil vs. Gallardo) Look past the record.  No, not that far. His run support is garbage. He eats innings and hasn’t allowed more than 3 runs in a month. Strikeouts are hit or miss, the “you could do worse” starter of the week.

Danny Duffy (NYY vs. Nova, Bos vs. Lester) Goods are there, they are just concealed by the walk rate. K’s are decent. Two tough lineups this week is not so good. Both teams take a ton of pitches, don’t expect anything longer than 5 innings pitched in either start.

Felipe Paulino (NYY vs. Burnett, Bos vs. Wakefield) Two Royals in the same write up means the apocalypse is nigh. Blah blah blah see Danny Duffy. Has allowed only 4 ER in his last 18 innings, congrats.

James McDonald (STL vs. Westbrook, Cin vs. Leake) Every time I see his name I start humming the Big Mac song in my head. Check the home/away splits as it may sway your decision here. Pickles, onions on a… Likes to give up homers on a sesame seed bun.

Wade Davis (@Bos vs. Bedard, Sea vs. Pineda) Well worth the extension he signed. Yeah, and I look good in my wife beater from Marshalls. The ideal guy you want your opponent for the week to pick up. Just don’t tell him I said so.

Josh Collmenter (@Phi vs. Lee, @Atl vs. Hanson) I jumped off the Pirates ship and landed in the desert. So he regressed some but he wasn’t a high 2 ERA guy anyways. Matchups look rough, I would prolly visit this destination with no other options.

Randy Wolf (LA vs. Lilly, @NYM vs. Capuano) Pitching a lot better. Prolly was dropped three or more times this year. Take advantage when the season’s time is getting thin. A start from a winning team is a pretty nice option to have.

Guillermo Moscoso (Bal vs. Bergesen, Tor vs. Mills) I like Bill. Great matchups, decent stuff, low BAA, 2 home starts… Shall I keep going or do you get my point?  Si or no si?

Henderson Alvarez (@Sea vs. Pineda, @Oak vs. Gonzalez) Besides coincidental stuff that dictate a pitchers worth from week to week. I love me some groundball pitchers. Has 3 above average pitches and pitches in the mid 90’s, more of pitch to contact than swing and miss guy.

Mike Leake (@Was vs. Detwiler, @Pit vs. McDonald) Freak-A… Yeah, you thought you would get through this week without a Petey Pablo reference, you thought wrong. North Carolina come on and raise up… Okay, I’m done now. I swear. An underappreciated ERA under 2 for the last 5 starts.

Desmond Jennings was called up. “No, he wasn’t.” “Yes, he was.” “No.” “Yes!” “Yes!” “No– Wait, I was the one saying yes.” Or so went us, me, you, we for the last two months. Why do we care so much? Because we have a void in our own lives? Oh, you meant it more why do we care about Jennings so much, gotcha. He’s the number one prospect in baseball for fantasy, according to Grey Albright, Fantasy Master Lothario. There’s guys that can hit with more power. There’s pitchers that have great stuff, but speed translates easiest to the majors and Jennings gets a lot of his value from his legs. Also, he’s had a great OBP through the minors, so getting on base shouldn’t be an issue. Then you throw in his teen homer power and you’re looking at a guy that could be B.J. Upton without the phantasmagorically bad average.  Call the engraver, we need a plaque for Cooperstown!  As with all rookies — or rooks if you have a short attention span — there’s the chance he falls flat on his face or steps on a rake and isn’t good until next year. Wasn’t like he set the world on fire last September when he was used off the bench (.190 average, 0 homers in 21 ABs with 2 steals). For his huge upside, you should take a flyer on him in every league. Yeah, even yours. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

B.J. Upton – As the Rays started the Jennings’ arbitration clock, they also started the Upton nice-knowing-you clock.

Alex Cobb – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks.  The Tampa Bay Peach was much better in the minor leagues this year than he’s been in the majors, and he hasn’t been too bad in the majors.  Decent flyer in deeper leagues, but he’s not guaranteed anything.  Like all of us.  Geez, that’s dark.

Zack Cozart – Just when I drop my other shortstops, deciding to roll with Cozart, he goes and gets hurt.  I know, here’s the world’s smallest violin.  Here’s you putting the world’s smallest violin on eBay and when someone meets the opening bid of one cent, they’ll play it for me.

Mike Carp – Hit two homers this weekend while maintaining his tilde .250.  BTW, someone who raises you but isn’t your mother?  Matilde.  You’re welcome, English language.  I’m making you better.

Adrian Beltre – To the DL with hammy issues.  Know who else had hammy issues?  Kermit the Frog.

Chris Davis – Called up to replace Beltre.  Someone change Bill James’s sheets!

Josh Collmenter – 7 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Through 92 innings, has a 0.93 WHIP.  That’s good.  More impressively, he’s only walked one batter in his last 21 innings.

Chase Headley – I refused to own him this year…Actually, besides Bartlett, I’ve abstained from Padre hitters.  And Bartlett just for speed.  So I wasn’t exactly following Headley’s season.  Any the hoo!  He has 3 homers on the year!!!  (Extra exclamation marks provided by my 14-year-old niece.)   And he has only two homers since April 2nd.  Your deity of choice, that’s terrible.

Phil Hughes – He was in Friday’s Buy column then he went out and served you lunch in a Port-A-John.  Totally 20/20 hindsight here, but would I start him every time out?  Nope.  Do I still think he should be owned in most leagues?  Yup.  Should he be owned in your league?  Mupe.  That’s colloquial for maybe.

J.P. Arencibia – Hit three homers this weekend to bring his season total to 15.  The funny thing — and by ‘funny’ I mean not funny at all — people ask me if I like so-and-so catcher better than so-and-so catcher, and in my head I’m like, “It’s a catcher.  Just put him in your slot and stop picking the scab.”  Unless we’re talking about the difference in McCann and Chris Iannetta, there’s very little separating most catchers.  Yet, this seems impossible to get through to people.

Eric Chavez – As the trading deadline approaches, Eric Chavez is the one player that no teams are interested in.

Gio Gonzalez – 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER in The House They Built Next To The House Ruth Built.  You’re basically drinking jungle juice straight from a bathtub if you started him here.

Hideki Matsui – 5-for-5.  I almost included him in hitters that had a big 2nd half last year, but I didn’t think it was possible for a repeat.  I figured he was too old, too tired and too effin’ blind from his huge porn collection.  He’s now hitting over .400 in the last week with 2 homers.  He also dedicated this big game to his anime-inspired wife.

Jarrod Saltalamacchia – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs as he stays hot.  He’s now hit in almost as many consecutive games as there are syllables in his name.

Dustin Pedroia – Sawx scored 12 runs and Dusty went 1-for-5 with a run.  Ticker tease!

Tim Stauffer – 5 2/3 IP, 5 ER in Citizens Flank.  See Gonzalez, Gio or 2 inches above.

Mike Trout – Not to be shown up by Carp, Trout went deep for the first time in his career.  Somewhere, Kevin Bass is smiling.  Trout’s also hitting .179, so there’s that.

Marlon Byrd – 4-for-5 yesterday and 2-for-3 with a home run on Saturday.  Member in the preseason when you drafted Byrd as your 5th outfielder?  Yeah, he could still do that.

Carlos Lee – 4-for-8 over the last two days with a homer.  First Byrd, now Carlos Lee — it’s like I found this roundup in a time capsule.

Adam Jones – Yesterday, a slam and legs to go with 2 homers over the weekend.  Next year, he’s gonna be 26 years old.  Giddy up.

Mike Stanton – 2-for-4 with his 2nd homer this weekend.  He’s younger than the youngest Culkin brother.  Yup.

Emilio Bonifacio – Hitting streak at 23 games.  Imagine he broke Joe Dimaggio’s hit streak?  Baseball historians, sporting tweed jackets, would be jumping out of windows all over our fine nation.

Gaby Sanchez – Hit three homers over the weekend.  He (she?) is having one of those borderline seasons.  In NL-Only leagues, you’re more than happy.  In mixed leagues, you’re kinda meh.

David Wright – 3-for-4 with his first home run since he returned on Friday.  Don’t want to jinx him by saying he looks like he hasn’t missed a beat, and not totally sure if it’s a jinx just by saying I don’t want to jinx him.

Bobby Parnell – 1 IP, 2 ER.  When you don’t have the closing job, but you’re trying to get it, it’s not the best move to blow a game.  Maybe he should switch to Bob or Robert to try and instill some confidence.  Bobby’s a child; this is a man’s game!

Antonio Bastardo – Got the save yesterday.  Manuel just got on the phone with the bullpen and said he didn’t care which bastard came in and Antonio warmed up.  Madson had also saved the previous two games.

Chase Utley – Hit 2 homers on Saturday.  I hope it’s the start of something magical that would make his pomade-fueled hair proud, but sadly I think his best days are behind him.

Colby Rasmus – 2-for-4 with a home run.  In an odd turn of events, Rasmus started.  And for the Cardinals.  Geiger, let’s go!

Francisco Liriano – 2 1/3 IP, 4 ER.  If someone asks if they should still own this schmohawk, they should just put their password in the comments and I’ll drop him for you.

Justin Upton – 9 for his last 11 with 9 RBIs and 2 homers.  Still enough season left for him to make his case for being a top five draft pick next year.  Go ahead scoff, you scoffer.  But if he gets to 30/20 with a .290 average, at the age of 24 you’re going to doubt him?

Brett Cecil – 9 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks.  I’m warning you now, I’m gonna like him a lot going into next year.  You know, I like high-K, sexy pitchers that are totally inconsistent.  These guys are the insane, hot girls that you wanna date but you really shouldn’t.  Your friend, “You should break up with her.”  “We all have our quirks…”  Your friend, “She just set your car on fire.”  “But she has great breasts!”

Adam Dunn – Went 3-for-16 (.188) this week to raise his average to .160.  My man’s on fire!

Justin Masterson – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks.  I continue to watch every start of his with my hands in front of my eyes.  Somehow, his ERA is 2.57.

Michael Pineda – 4 1/3 IP, 7 ER as the Mariners losing streak hits 15 games.  That’s an impressive skid mark.

Curtis Granderson hasn’t had a lead all season and you know what?  He deserves one, consarn it!  Yesterday, he went 2-for-4 with 2 steals.  If I was producing a 30 for 30 about my fantasy season, I’d just follow Granderson around with a camera.  “Sorry, Grey, no homers today, but how about two steals?”  “Oh, okay, Grandy,” as I look down in the mouth.  “Hey, tomorrow I’ll hit 2 homers!”  “Thanks, Grandy, you’re dandy!”  This year he has 25 homers, 17 steals, 83 runs, 68 RBIs, a .274 average and a killer smile.  Back in March, you would’ve took that from him for his overall season line and you would’ve liked it.  I do think this season is gonna be the peak for him, but hell with next year!  Let’s wrap his 2011 around us like a Snuggie (or the lesser known Slanket) and enjoy the ride.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

A.J. Burnett – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 14 baserunners, 4 Ks.  I didn’t see the game, but 14 baserunners in five and a third doesn’t even seem possible.  Were they playing Wiffle ball rules with ghost runners needing to be forced?

Josh Collmenter – 8 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Has a 2.65 ERA on the year and pulls girls from every ethnic background.   I.e., he’s a rock star.  Now has 14 scoreless innings in the last two games vs. the Brewers.  Shlemiel, schcan’ttouchmyshizz, I’m Josh Collmenter.  I’d be worried about putting too much faith in J.C. — no offense — but you should own him at this point.

Ryan Roberts – 2-for-4 and his 2nd homer in two games.  Totally one of those guys that people are gonna ask about next March as a sleeper pick and it’s gonna turn into a wasted pick.  But, for now, you could do worse.

Ryan Vogelsong – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, season ERA is at 2.02 and I can’t get a G-D clean game from Gallardo.  Throw me a frickin’ bone.

Stephen Strasburg – Threw 95 MPH in a simulated game.  Hey, this weekend I threw a simulated 150 in Wii bowling.

Koji Uehara – Will see saves for the next three days while Kevin Gregg serves a suspension.  If this were elementary school, Gregg and Ortiz would serve their suspensions in the same room while cleaning the erasers.

Adam Jones – 2-for-5 with his 3rd homer in the last 4 games.  He seems pretty underappreciated considering he’s pulling a Hunter Pence impersonation that could fool Henrietta Pence, that’s his mom.

Mark Reynolds – 0-for-4 as the Orioles scored 10 runs.  Ticker tease!

Ryan Zimmerman – 2-for-4 with his 5th homer.  Here he comes (God, I hope so)!  I just know it (no, I don’t)!

Mike Morse – 3-for-4 with his 16th homer.  About time he started dashing and dotting again.

Huston Street – Might get traded.  For who, Avenue of the Americas?  Lindstrom would be the handcuff.

Jordan Lyles – 8 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks and 113 pitches.  Not much to report here, but Ed Wade’s Toupee may want to chillax on throwing the youngster so deep into games.  I mean, isn’t Dr. James Andrews making enough money?

Mark Buehrle – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Solid, if yawnstipating 5th fantasy starter.  That is all.

Billy Butler – 2-for-4 with two WTFs (Warning Track Flies).  If you have a WTF category in your league, Butler is the WTF master.  If he moved forward in the batter’s box ten feet, he’d hit 30 homers.

Joe Mauer – 6-for-8 in the doubleheader.  He hit .373 in last year’s 2nd half and has raised his average nearly 50 points in the last 10 games.

Trevor Plouffe – 1-for-3 with his 5th home run, and he left the bowl streak-free.

Chris Perez – 1 IP, 1 ER.  The Indians rest him when there is a save opportunity in the afternoon game then bring him in for the pointless Kazaam!  Grr.

Josh Reddick – As a starter since June 18th, batting .340 with 4 homers.  But that’s only 13 starts in a month.  Guy at the Cask’n Flagon with a Jeter jersey is getting more play.

Clay Buchholz – On Monday, he threw from 120 feet.  Not sure why he’s pitching from 2nd base, but there ya go.

Jarrod Saltalamacchia – Was 0-for-his last week before this game, but for those who like to play Russian roulette with their catcher, Saltymochachino hit a bomb yesterday.

Roy Halladay – 4 IP, 3 ER.  Left the game with heat exhaustion.  Hey, Ruiz, stop calling for the heater!

Carlos Pena – 3-for-3 with his 20th homer, after just getting done with a 1-for-15 stretch.  His hitting streaks are like riding a bicycle in San Francisco.  Holy crap, we’re really flying as we go downhill!  And now we’re going uphill and nowhere…  Watch out, now we’re downhill again!

Aramis Ramirez – 1-for-3 with his 17th homer.  Who said he’d slow up?  Oh, I did.  Well, I still think he will.  Unless he backed into a leftover Sosa needle.

Jason Heyward - Sat out yesterday after being hit on the foot Sunday.  As frequent commenter, zombie, said yesterday, “Should have know something was up when Glass Chipper demands that you grab a bat.  Definitely no relation to Ironhead Heyward.  Dude played with a brain tumor.  Foot contusion.  Seriously?!”

Clay Hensley – 5 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Did you ever want to call him Hay Clensley?  Me too!  Last time he was a regular starter, he was a solid deep league option, but marginal in most mixed leagues.  And that was in Petco.  For a few starts, he’ll also be on a pitch count.

Leo Nunez – Got the save yesterday, but, whatever, this isn’t about that.  Everyone is saying Dunn would be the closer if Nunez is dealt, the only problem I have with that is Mujica is having a better year and consistently coming in games after Dunn.  Plus, Dunn’s a lefty.  Well, that’s the short of it, Peter Dinklage.

Alex Cobb – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks vs. the Yankees.  Like the quarter of Harrison Ford that is Jewish, that’s not too shabby.  He gets the peasant Royals next time out.  That’s a decent gamble, no relation to Rudy or Oscar.

Casey Kotchman – 2-for-3 and now batting .337 with 4 homers on the year.  James Loney called, he wants his stats back.

Ezequiel Carrera – He said nine innings is for Quakers, and played 18 innings yesterday and stole 2 bases.  After all the success with Asdrubal, the Indians might just be promoting anyone with a funky first name.  Get ready, Azerbajan Ramirez!  Carrera had 35 steals in 81 games in Triple-A this year and now he’s the starting center fielder for the Cleveland Indians.  You know who has two thumbs and picked up this Amish SAGNOF’er?  This guy!

Grady Sizemore – To the DL with knee problems.  He said there’s a lot of concern about his knee.  You don’t say, Grady.  It’s only been bothering you for two years.  The FDA looked at his knees and said Grade-E.  Uh-uh, Grade F.  Suitable only for ‘meat’ filling at Taco Bell and 7-11 chili dogs.  Hmm, what is that taste?  Oh, that’s right.  The unfulfilled promise of multiple 30/30 seasons.

While Ed Wade was sleeping off his hangover on Saturday, his Toupee decided to mix things up and actually give Astros fans something to be excited about.  (This is excluding Carlos Lee’s riveting chase to be the 83rd player with 350 home runs.)  The Astros number one prospect, Jordan Lyles, will take over Wandy’s rotation spot.  So the Astros bring up Lyles, but do I Lovett?  His K-rate has been pretty poor in Triple-A, but spots his pitches pretty well without overpowering–  Burp.  Sorry, meant to write gas, not pass it.  He’s not worth grabbing in most mixed leagues, but he’s the kind of guy that could be a game changer in NL-Only leagues where waiver wire adds are a mix of yawnstipating and down right atrocious.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Wandy Rodriguez – The Wandwagon fell off the tracks and heads to the DL with fluid in his elbow.  I wonder if the fluid is acai berry juice, that’s packed with antioxidants!  He should implant a straw into his elbow and drink it.

Francisco Liriano – Will miss one start with a sore shoulder.  He couldn’t hurt himself and miss starts when he was still pitching poorly?

Joe Nathan – Headed to the DL.  They should send the entire Twins offense there, too.

Brandon Belt – Proving Sciosciapath’s come in different shapes and area codes, Bochy announced that Belt would be used primarily as a bench bat.  This move is so incomprehensible to me that I tend to think Bochy’s just saying it to ease Belt into the majors for this second go around.  He can’t actually be contemplating stunting the progress of his top prospect by calling him up and putting him on the bench.  This would be like your boss at Little Caesars telling you that your pizza making skills are too good to be washing dishes, so he promotes you to watching others make pizza while your skills get rusty.  Let Belt make pizza!

Mark Trumbo – 2-for-4, home run.  There’s still a number one Sciosciapath and he manages the Los Angeles Angels of Not Los Angeles.  On Saturday, he started Branyan against a righty and benched Trumbo.  Not good for Trumbo’s fantasy value. <–Well, obviously.  Hopefully, Trumbo’s home run yesterday will lead to him starting over the prospblock.

Corey Patterson – Five hits in an extra inning game, including a game-winning home run on Saturday.  4-for-5 with his 4th homer on Sunday.  That’s more hits than the 2 Coreys combined (Goonies, Stand by Me and Prayer of the Rollerboys).

Aaron Hill – Finally, he hit his 1st home run of the season.  If La Russa was managing the opposing team, he would’ve x-rayed Hill’s bat to make sure it wasn’t Bautista’s.

Aramis Ramirez – 1-for-3 with his 2nd home run of the season.  He tends to get scolding hot for extended stretches, so if someone dropped him in your league, I’d grab him.

Vance Worley – 3 IP, 5 ER.  Guess they can wait before they add a 5th head to Mt. Philmore.

Jimmy Rollins – 2-for-4 and three steals in the last two days.  He’s not quite the guy who won the MVP a few years ago, but he’s also not as dusty as I thought he’d be.  Then again, he’ll probably pull a hammy by July and miss a month.

Jose Reyes – 4-for-5 with 2 triples as he got too excited and had a serious case of premature extrabasulation.

Sean O’Sullivan – 5 2/3 IP, 10 ER.  Appropriately, his initials are SOS.

Joakim Soria – 2/3 IP, 2 ER.  Wow, he’s a mess.  Wouldn’t be surprised to hear him placed on the Disgraceful List any day now.

Hanley Ramirez – Left yesterday’s game with a stiff lower back as his dream season continues.  Maybe next he can run over your dog.

Scott Sizemore – Traded to the A’s and was sent down to learn 3rd base.  I’d start at The Cactus Album then try Derelicts of Dialect.

Ryan Raburn – Will be the everyday 2nd baseman with the Sizemore trade.  Terrific, fantastic, c’est bonderful, but he still needs to hit.

John Danks – 4 IP, 9 ER.  That’s one way to stop the White Sox’s six man rotation.

Yunesky Maya – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER.  Nats called him up for Sunday’s start.  Due to my love for all things Cuban — cigars, plantains, rafts — I’m watching to see if Maya can make good on his promise, but four earned in four innings isn’t a great sign.

Juan Nicasio – 7 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks.  I’d say we’d reevaluate if he pitched well, and, what do you know, he did.  I’d now look to grab him in deeper mixed leagues where you need to gamble on upside.  He didn’t show it Saturday, but he can strike guys out.  Yummo!

Eric Young Jr. – Since his call up, 5 for 14 and a steal while starting every day.  If you’re in a quiet place, you may want to turn down the volume on the next sentence.  PICK HIM UP!

Justin Masterson – 5 IP, 6 ER as his troubles against lefties continues.  I have an idea, you play Carmona at first and let him pitch to the lefties.  You snicker like I’m a gooftard, but people snickered when Doug Allison of the Cincinnati Red Stockings used the first leather glove in 1870.  They called balderdash, but it was not balderdash, my kind sir.  It was not!

Yovani Gallardo – 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Member when you were like I wanna drop him, YoGa’s stretching my patience?  He’s now lowered his ERA from 7.10 to 3.89 in less than a month with a 1.29 ERA since May 7th.

Alex Cobb – The Tampa Bay Peach will take over for Sonnanstine in the Rays rotation.  He was knocked around pretty good in his spot start earlier this year vs. the Not Los Angeles Los Angeles Angels, but he has been solid in Triple-A.  1.14 ERA, plus-9 K-rate, limits walks and keeps the ball down.  His drawback is his lack of an overpowering fastball.  For now, I’d only look at him in AL-Only leagues because of his division and lack of experience.

Jeremy Hellickson – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Good season so far.  Too bad a pitcher with Hell in his name wasn’t around when they were called the Devil Rays.  Could’ve had some goat blood tie-ins and virgin sacrifices.  First virgin could’ve been Cowboy Jon from the second Real World.

Evan Longoria – 4-for-7 and a home run but only one RBI as he spent the weekend hitting lead off.  Supposedly, the idea of him leading off came about when the team was in the clubhouse having lunch.  He swan’d out a napkin for Upton and Fuld called him a great table-setter.  Maddon overheard and the rest is history.  (It’s as plausible as any other reason to bat Longoria lead off.)

Jay Bruce – Hit another home run as he continues to invite his fantasy owners to his star mitzvah.

Blake Tekotte – 0-for-3, but got his 2nd start in the row.  Tekotte (Tea-coat-e) has good plate discipline and decent speed (30 SBs over a season).  For now, it’s gotta be a very deep league to contemplate him because his playing time isn’t guaranteed.  Though, the Padres should keep Tekotte’s fanny off the bench for a twilight.  (A’la Comic Book Guy, “Lamest.  Pun.  Ever!”)

Josh Collmenter – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks.  He continues to pitch better than he has any right to, but, hey, while he’s got it, flaunt it.

Alexi Ogando – 6 IP, 5 ER.  Finally, the correction I craved!  Now, if only Jaime Garcia would get hit hard.  Oh, wait a second…  Muahahahahaha…  Breath, Grey, breath! Thanks, random italicized voice.

Mike Napoli – 2 games this weekend, 2 homers.  This is why you Ron Popeil your catcher.  At the end of the season, you’ll look at Napoli’s stats and you’ll be fine with the 20-plus home runs, bleh average and decent RBIs.  Then next March, you’ll look at his stats again and draft him, then next April you’ll drop him.

Jon Jay – Hitting over .400 in May, .464 in the last 7 games and he hit a home run on Sunday.  Doesn’t have huge power or speed, but worth the flyer to see how long he can keep it going.

Allen Craig – Has been playing 2nd base to try and get offense into the Cards lineup.  La Russa said something interesting about the move, “It’s not a wacky thing where there’s nothing to gain.”  In all seriousness, I think this is a peek into La Russa’s mind where he knows some of the things he does are wacky, it’s just this is not one of them.  Here’s La Russa’s mind, “Batting the pitcher eighth?  Okay, wacky.  Changing the closer every third day?  A little wacky.  Wearing a live puppy-kitten scarf?  Definitely wacky!  Starting a good bat at a weak offensive spot?  Not so wacky.”

Jaime Garcia – 3 1/3 IP, 11 ER and 15 baserunners.  Altar boys rejoice in the karma of a Cardinal being violated.