Fantasy Baseball Advice

Hey, I can bench Eric Hosmer!  That was the first thing I thought when I picked up Matt Adams.   First stop for Hosmer is my bench, next stop waivers.  Yesterday, our prospect writer Scott said this about Adams, “Despite the impressive audition (in Spring Training), St. Louis sent him to Triple-A Memphis where he’s hit .338/.373/.597 with 9 HR through his first 150 plate appearances… With an advanced approach, solid on base skills, and plus power, Adams has a chance to do damage in the bigs right away.  He’s worth an add in most formats.  There’s really not much else to say, except Grey is handsome.”  I obviously wouldn’t have copied and pasted all of that if I didn’t agree.  In a 12 team mixed league, I found room for him (then again my offense could use anything at this point — I have Brian Dozier!) by losing Anthony Rizzo.  I do think Rizzo will be up soon and is worth owning, but I could only speculate on one “young 1st baseman that will fix my other young 1st baseman problem (Hosmer!).”  With Berkman possibly out a while (as of this writing, his timetable wasn’t clear, but it didn’t look good and he was talking of retirement), Adams just needs to hit to get everyday playing time (please, deity of my choice, let him hit).  At first, I could see him platooning a bit with Carpenter so don’t overreact on who you drop when you pick up Adams, but if you’re hurting at 1st base, get smart and don Adams.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Aroldis Chapman – Hey, he’s now the closer!  Mazel tov!  I remember when he was just a new Cuban raftee and, now, he’s a man.  A real fine chap, man.  He has yet to allow an earned run in 22 1/3 innings to go with 39 Ks.  Man, that is beautiful.  Shoot, I have to change my shorts.  And…I’m back!  You miss me?

Ryan Ludwick – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs with his 4th homer.  Just when it looked like Heisey finally bought himself a longer leash, Ludwick comes along to confuse Dusty.  (Yes, they both played yesterday, but that was only because there was a DH.)

Paul Konerko – After taking one off his face on Friday, the White Sox said they should be able to punim back in on Tuesday.

Jake Peavy – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks.  No kidding, who would you prefer:  Peavy or Lincecum?  Is it close?

Gordon Beckham – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer in the last three games.  If it’s not the Rip Van Winkle of sleepers.  If you’re desperate for infield help, I could see grabbing him for your middle infidel spot.

Adam Dunn – 1-for-4 with his 14th homer.  Like one of those weekly Bieber’s been trampled by 1400 screaming Asian girls rumors, the reports of Dunn’s death were also premature.  Rob Thomas would say he’s come un-Dunn.  Fantasy Baseball Blurb Police, “Bieber and Rob Thomas in the same blurb?  C’mon, man, don’t make me ticket you.”

Ike Davis – Terry Collins (who?) said that Davis could be headed to the minors.  All kidding aside, have the Mets doctors checked him again for Valley Fever?  Actually, has anyone but the Mets doctors checked him for Valley Fever?

Kevin Youkilis – Phillies and Indians are “monitoring” Youuuuuuuk.  I found this funny for some reason.  Next time I’m caught sitting outside an ex-girlfriend’s house, I’m going to say I was just “monitoring” her.  Wouldn’t surprise me to see Youuuuuuk moved.  Red Sox don’t want to send Middlebrooks down and Youuuuuuk’s so welcome in the Red Sox clubhouse that Bobby Valentine commissioned Billy Ocean to remix his own song to, “Get Outta My Team, Get Into My Veggie Wrap With Swiss Chard.”

Josh Beckett – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks vs. Cliff Lee, who went 7 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks, as the two last place teams battled.  The Comatose Red Sox and Phillies fans, that conked out the day before the season started, blink their eyes open, “Don’t you mean first place?”

Jarrod Saltalamacchia – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer in as many games, and 7th on the season.  Why do I wish he had 1st base eligibility and I drafted him instead of Hosmer?

Mike Aviles – 2-for-5 with his third homer in as many games.  Thomas Peefuttle who?!  Actually, that’s a made-up name, but Aviles has been good even if you compare him to someone who’s real.

Jonathan Lucroy – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 7 RBIs and 2 homers.  Actually, I wouldn’t mind dropping my whole RCL offense and having only catchers.

Corey Hart – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs with his 9th homer as the Brewers exploded for 16 runs.  Elias Sports Bureau said Corey Hart was rated by People Magazine as The Ugliest Man Alive.  Actually, Elias didn’t say that, but here’s something that was overheard at the Stamford compound of Elias Sports Bureau.  “In Accounting, Jeff and Dave have casually joked about switching wives twenty-seven times in the last two weeks for a new office record.  Also, Jeff recorded it a record 17 times to be used for blackmail purposes later.”

Colby Lewis – 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks vs. the Astros.  In related news, American League pitchers are fully supportive of the Astros’ 2013 league switch.

Vance Worley – Has a bone chip in his elbow.  He says he’s going to “man up” and pitch through the pain.  Who’s he Bruce Willis cutting a bullet out of his arm and bandaging it up with a shirt he rips with his teeth?  Ridiculous to think Worley’s going to be anywhere near as effective and not just end up back on the DL.

Anthony Rizzo – That billboard counting down is not how many hours until the America’s Got Talent premiere, that’s until The Scer arrives.  The Cubs confirmed yesterday what I was saying on Friday.  Rizzo’s arrival, or arrizzal, is imminent.

Max Scherzer – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 15 Ks. There’s the eggs Woody Allen was talking about that we need.  Hopefully, if you dealt with the bad half of the schizo-Scherzer, you also got this good half.

Rod Barajas – B*****s ain’t shizz usually, but, for those in deep leagues, B*****s has 2 homers in his last three games.

Greg Dobbs – 3-for-4, and .154 over the last week, but whatever.  I just want to rant about how stupid it is that Ozzie is splitting up Hanley and Stanton with Dobbs.  I get the whole righty/lefty thing, but is that really going to change how opposing managers think when they see Greg Dobbs?  It’s not like they’re saying to themselves, “I’d go to my righty here but Dobbs, who’s hitting .253 against righties over the last three years, will kill me.”  Move Giancarlo into the cleanup spot, I need RBIs!

Josh Johnson – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks.  After the game, his porn star brother, Gosh Johnson sprayed the team with what everyone is hoping was champagne.

Emilio Bonifacio – Ended up on the 15-day DL with a sprained thumb.  When asked how it was feeling, Bonifacio stayed true to his name and tried to put on a good face.

Derek Lowe – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks to lower his ERA to 2.15.  He said he’d have an ERA under 2 if it wasn’t for Indians fans.

Mike Trout – 3-for-4, now batting .355.  At Sunday brunch, he had a mimosa, grapefruit wedges and a slam & two legs.  Trout homered and stole a base off Bass, something the media is calling “Fish on Fish” crime.

Vernon Wells – Headed to the DL with a thumb injury.  He’ll have some free time now to reply to all his fan mail that is meant for the actor from Weird Science, Vernon Wells.

Alexi Amarista – 1-for-6, with a steal.  He was the piece the Padres got from the Angels for Frieri.  Here’s what Bud Black said Scioscia told him, “The first thing (Scioscia) said was this guy can play six positions, he can feel comfortable with them anywhere, he swings the bat and he has some speed, so that versatility plays much better in the National League.”  Right, nothing at all like Maicer Izturis.  With the Padres now having (n)O-Dog, Amarista has been playing 2nd base.  In the minors, he hit for a decent average with speed.  In the majors, I could see him having a .270 average with 25 steals.  Definitely NL-Only grab.  I’d hold for now in most mixed leagues.

Justin Smoak – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer.  I told you last week to grab him for his road trip and now he heads back to Safeco, so where there’s Smoak, there’s other options off the waiver wire.

Mike Carp – Has homers in back-to-back games.  Carpe Carp!

Wei-Yin Chen – 4 1/3 IP, 6 ER as he was pitchslapped by Strasburg.  I’ve seen Tony Pena pitch better than Chen.  And Tony was pitching in a Home Run Derby.

Danny Espinosa – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs with his 4th homer.  Going on about ten days of hot schmotatoness.

Jesus Flores – 1-for-4 with his 1st homer.  If you lost Wilson Ramos, Flores could basically do the same thing.  And that’s a promise or my name isn’t Grey “El Toro” Albright.

Stephen Strasburg – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, but left the start with bicep tightness.  He said he should be fine for his next start.  He’s going to apply some Hot Stuff and then not touch his groin for the next five days.

Mark Ellis – Will be out for at least 6 weeks as the doctor performed an emergency procedure on him to relieve pressure in his leg.  The Dodgers will turn to Justin “The Inspector” Sellers and Elian “I Wouldn’t Mind Checking Out Miami Again” Herrera.  Elian and Sellers aren’t much to look at outside of deep NL-Only leagues, especially if they’re sharing time.  Since Ellis will be out, the Dodgers may now ask Flavor Flav to no longer stand above Dee Gordon’s head with his giant ticking clock.

Jeff Francoeur – 4-for-4, but I’m giving two of them to the now batting in the seven hole, Hosmer.

Wade Miley – 7 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks.  I see you moving your cursor towards picking up Miley.  Stop and back away from your computer.  Go splash some coffee on your face.  You’re sleepwalking.

Brandon McCarthy – Went to the DL, but the A’s found no damage to his scapula.  Sounds like there should be a chicken in there, i.e., Chicken Scapula.  BTW, when you’re in a fancy restaurant and the waiter rolls up the cart carrying your entrees, make sure you say, “They weren’t joking when they said it was all a la carte.”  It’ll make you look classy.

David Robertson to the DL for three weeks with a left oblique strain.  2009 was the Year of the Oblique, then there was the Middle Infieluenza Outbreak of Twenty-Ten, and 2011 was a war between General Soreness and Major Discomfort.  This year is The Closepocalypse.  If you’re a closer and gonna go to the DL, at least get your make-believe plague right. (Oh no, I Can Haz Razzburger has taken over the site!!!  Guys and four girl readers, picture the earth is a lolzpop, then this is The Closepocalypse.  My apologies, but our advertisers asked if I could bring in more of the teenaged Asian girl demographic.)  So Rafael Soriano will continue to get saves.  I wouldn’t assume the Yankeensteins will just go to Robertson when he’s healthy, so it’s imperative and other serious-sounding words to grab Soriano.  Bee tee dubya, it’s crazy how much Soriano sounds like Sanrio, right?  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Brett Lawrie – Got two marginal-to-bad strike calls on him and went DRUNK HULK on the ump.  DRUNK HULK WISH UMP BAD THINGS LIKE HAVE TO TEACH FIELDING TO EDWIN ENCARNACION.  I hope the fact that Lawrie was right about the lousy calls gives him solace when he gets his 5-10 game suspension.

Freddie Freeman – Day-to-day with corneal abrasion.  I always thought corneal abrasion was being constipated after you ate corn.  Eh, what do I know?

Kevin Youkilis – On Wednesday, he will begin a minor league assignment.  That assignment is to re-injure himself so Middlebrooks can keep playing.  If he fails, Middlebrooks will be back in the minors in a week.

Josh Beckett – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Nothing kills the inspiration for country song writing like a start vs. the Mariners.

Alfonso Soriano – Ended his HR drought on his 116th AB.  He’s also at 1 SB.  He went from 40/40 to probably 40 in 10 years.

Bryan LaHair – 1-for-4 with his 10th homer.  *phone rings*  “This is Grey.”  “LaHair  LaHere.  Sell this!”  *dial tone*

Chris Heisey – Has now started three games in a row and is 6 for his last 7.  In mixed leagues, it’s still wait and see right now, but he’s got a nice bat if Dusty would stop chewing on his toothpick long enough to let him play.

Johnny Cueto – 4 IP, 5 ER and his ERA is still 1.89.  Ridiculous.  I wouldn’t freak out just yet, ERAs aren’t meant to be that low.  Lance Lynn, “Shh!”

Matt Carpenter – 1-for-4 with his third homer as Berkman sat out sore.  Well, at least I didn’t have to talk about Craig’s three hits.  D’oh!

Jon Jay – Onto the DL with shoulder soreness.  Carlos Beltran and Lance Berkman can shift over to CF if the Cards schedule all home games in 2007.  Short of that, it’s going to be a blahtoon of Skip Schumacker and Shane “Reggie Cleveland All-Star” Robinson in CF.  If you don’t have the DL room, feel free to drop Jay in shallow leagues.

Jason Motte – 1 IP, 1 ER as he blew his 2nd save, but Dolis returned volley with a run, so Motte got the win.  With The Closepocalypse, it’s a wonder some games ever end.

Bartolo Colon – 6 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 12 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Oh, no, Bartolo needs another collagen injection!  FWIWuertz, there should be a DRUNK BARTOLO Twitter account.

Cliff Lee – Pitched 8 innings of one run, 10 K ball against the Astros, but he still couldn’t earn his 1st win of the year because of a blown save by Chad Qualls.  Really?  Chad Qualls?  Fine, Papelbon needs a breather now and then but that’s the 2nd best option in the Phillies’ pen?  Ruben Amaro is tugging on something and it ain’t no McGraw.

Hunter Pence – 3-for-5 with his 8th and 9th homers, raising his RBIs to 25.  You can set your watch by Pence’s stats, and right now it’s 9:25.

Vance Worley – Scratched due to a sore arm.  If it’s sore, stop scratching!

Mike Moustakas – Hit his 5th homer yesterday.  Go, go, go, go, go, go, go…  It’s Greek Lightning!

Colby Lewis – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks.  We talk a bit about Colby later today in our podcast.  You can hardly wait.  No, you!

Scott Van Slyke – 0-for-4 as he got the start in the Dodgers’ outfield (and in the three hole), and will continue (to start in the outfield) while Kemp’s on the DL.  In Triple-A this year, he had 8 homers and a .336 average, showing solid plate discipline, but that was in the PCL.  Van Slyke looks like a ‘just okay’ grab for NL-Only leagues if you’re an outfielder down.  I will say this, he’s a much better fielder than Bobby Bonilla’s son.

Jake Peavy – 5 1/3 IP, 6 ER, 11 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Cruised through 5 innings against the tough Tiger lineup, then got blasted for six in the 6th.  Ventura should’ve pulled him before he gave up the 3rd/4th/5th runs on a homer to Ryan friggin’ Raburn.  I think Ventura went to pull him out and Peavy’s southern drawl reminded him of Nolan Ryan and he wanted him to suffer.

Travis Ishikawa – 3-for-4, 5 RBIs and 2 homers.  Eh, he’s nothing but a deep NL-Only flyer. Does that make sensei?  See, he is Sucky-san.

Jose Valverde – Left yesterday’s game with back stiffness that isn’t supposed to be serious.  Too bad, I was hoping for a reason why he’s been so terrible all year.  Octavio Dotel ended up saving the game after allowing two runs to be tacked onto Valverde’s line.  Thanks, friend!  I grabbed Benoit then dropped him immediately for Dotel.  My figuring is Dotel has a bit more closer experience.  He’s cagey!  It could easily be Benoit who sees saves too.  If anyone knows exactly which closer will be used while Valverde is on the mend, Dotel!

Max Scherzer – 4 IP, 5 ER.  You know how they’re doing that dopey MLB cave thing where they take a bunch of fans and subject them to every inning of every game like it’s Clockwork Orange?  I have a spinoff for MLB.  Tell one guy, while he’s been cooped up in the fan cave for the last two months, the entire west coast was wiped out due to an earthquake.  Then compare that heart rate with his when he owns both Scherzer and Gallardo in fantasy.

Anthony Bass – 8 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks.  This comes two starts after he gave up 6 ER to Miami, so I’d grab Bass, but get ready to throw him back.

Josh Johnson – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks with his first win, but second quality start in a row.  By Josh, I think he’s got it!  Sorry, that’s terrible.

Omar Infante – 4-for-5, 1 run and 2 RBIs.  Okay, I’d trade you Zack Cozart for Infante right now.  Can we make that happen?

Bryce Harper – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer in as many games.  On the bright side, ESPN’s 24 hour Harper news cycle has a 2nd highlight.

Stephen Strasburg – 4 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks.  The sub-par start was due to him being bothered by the ointment, Hot Stuff, in his groin area.  Now when he’s pitching well, Nats fans can yell, “It’s da bomb!” and when he’s pitching poorly, they can yell, “It’s da balm!”

Ervin Santana – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Pitchers like Ervin should have their own category.  They’re not Hodgepadres.  They’re not Marginers.  They’re mixed league starters that are must-starts against weaker offenses, then you pray in other starts.  Maybe you suggest a glossary term in the comments.

Albert Pujols – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs.  And just like that he’s hitting .212!  Yeah, that’s still not so good.

Mike Trout – 3-for-4, 3 runs and a slam (3) and legs (3).  Maybe he can have a half of a blurb on the ticker right when ESPN HARPER is going to commercial.

Adam Jones – 2-for-3, 2 runs and also a slam (11) and legs (6).  Let’s play a little game.  Who’s higher on the Razzball Player Rater?  Ryan Braun or Jones?  Bruce or Jones?

Wei-Yin Chen – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Lowered his ERA to 2.45 but unless I lowered my standards (see what I did there?) I wouldn’t pick him up in a mixed league.

Elliot Johnson – 2-for-4, I’m not going to point out again that he’s hot but I will point out that I’m not pointing out that he’s hot.

Alex Cobb – Sounds like he could take Niemann’s spot in the rotation.  He didn’t exactly shine last year in his call-up (6+ K/9, 3.90 xFIP), but in the minors he was able to push his K-rate towards 9 with decent ratios.  In AL-Only leagues, I’d grab him if you need to *pinkie to mouth* Cobble together some pitching.  And that was corny on the Cobb.  I’m on a roll!  Literally, it’s pumpernickel.

Derek Lowe – 9 IP, 0 ER, 10 baserunners, 0 Ks vs. Twins.  It was throwback day at Target Field.  Derek Lowe pitched like it was 2002, and the Twins hit like it was the Dead Ball Era.

Michael Brantley – 2-for-4 with a steal.  Now hitting around .350 in the last week with one steal.  Well, it’s better than batting .150 with nothing.  Hey, Hosmer!

Shin Soo-Choo – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI and his 2nd homer.  He was Soo-Overdue.

A.J. Pierzynski – 5-for-5. 3 RBIs, 2 runs with 4 singles and a double.  Solid year for A.J. (.288, 24 RBIs is 4 more than Konerko) although I keep thinking he’s on Arizona.  That’s A.J. Pollock which is really close depending on how you pronounce it.

Yoenis Cespedes – Cleared for all baseball activities except hitting.  Cool, he can spit and grab himself now.

Manny Ramirez – Billy Beane knows that the Johnny Gomes show isn’t going to do too well in summer re-runs so get ready for May 30th when Manny brings his brand of zany mediocrity to Oakland’s part-time DH slot.  His show is called, “Once Too Manny” with Jerry Blevins as The Bleaver.

Finally, an injury to an Angel that can clear up the awful logjam between OF/DH/3B.  Oh wait, it’s to their catcher – Chris Iannetta – where their ‘depth’ involves Bobby Wilson, an injured Hank Conger and sub-Mathis scrubs.  Maybe they should try Mark Trumbo at catcher.  He’s gotta be better there than at 3B.  Chris Iannetta anagrams to Neat Christian – how fitting for an Angel.  I guess someone had to be the martyr to save Pujols’s soul from the fiery pits of replacement-level.  For those of you in deep enough leagues to warrant a roster spot for Iannetta, just pick up whatever schmohawk catcher is on the waiver wire with the most ABs in the last 2 weeks.  Nothing’s sweeter than a random HR from a FA scrub (shoutout to Cesar Izturis’s HR for our NL-only team).   Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Stephen Strasburg – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 13 Ks.  “Wait until he hits twenty-seven years old and he can barely lift his arm to pack his bowl.”  That’s Lincecum watching the Strasburg highlights.

Roger Bernadina – He hit a homer out of the two hole yesterday.  Sounds like a constipated guy reporting success to his gastroenterologist.  Probably too early to get excited about Bernadina, but he’s definitely someone to put on your radars.

Adam LaRoche – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs with his 6th homer as he bats .327.  Yeah, at this point, it would’ve been better to go with LaRoche over Pujols.

Colby Lewis – Not to get all Jayson Stark but here’s Colby Lewis’s bizarre box score:  HR, HR, HR, 18 straight outs (11 K’s), HR, BB, HR, HBP, Double Play, E6, K.  So that’s 5 hits and 5 HRs.  7 baserunners and 6 runs.  12 Ks and only one walk.  So, um, awesome start for those of you in xFIP leagues!

Elvis Andrus – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs as he hits .323 with 5 steals in 6 attempts on the year.  6 attempts was by far the lowest steal attempt total in any month last year.  He’s stood on 1st 23 times so far this year.  It makes sense when you have Josh Homerton behind you, but it’s disconcerting from a fantasy standpoint for Elvis.

Andy Dirks – 4-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI and his 3rd homer.  Leyland doesn’t like to change his lineup (he writes it on rolling paper and each changed lineup is one less cigarette).  So Leyland’s put Dirks in the two hole in the lineup, where he could stay for a while, and he’s doing with the bat what was expected of Boesch.  In the big picture, he has pretty modest power (which doesn’t mean he blushes after homers) and slightly better speed, but not a burner.  14/18 would be my expectations over a full season.  Right now, he’s a hot schmotato.

Bartolo Colon – 2 1/3 IP, 7 ER.  Oh no, the dreaded Colon cleanse.

Brett Gardner – His DL stint is going to be a little longer (maybe another month) after a setback with his right elbow.  No word on whether Joba Chamberlain’s kid or a trampoline are at fault.

Mark Teixeira – Diagnosed with ‘severely inflamed’ airways.  Unlike with the ill-fated Hindenburg Blimplines, it’s treatable.

Rafael Soriano – Got the save yesterday and, because he was a closer, he gave up a run.  I don’t think this means Soriano gets the next save over Robertson (K-Rob had thrown two days previous, so he was unavailable), but I do think Robertson could Mr. Bungle the gig, and Soriano is worth owning.

Eduardo Nunez – Decent SAGNOF who’s likely to keep getting playing time with Gardner out.  But, man, is he an awful fielder.  Is Nunez Spanish for Scissorhands?

Josh Willingham – 1-for-3 with his 7th homer.  I feel like the rest of the Twins, who are more familiar with the no-scoring environment of Minnesota baseball, are gonna pull Willingham aside and be like, “Hey, man, those homers… Yeah, we don’t do those here.”

Josh Beckett – 2 1/3 IP, 7 ER. Don’t worry, Josh, there’s at least a dozen wannabe country singers that’ll still sleep with you.  Maybe you dial up RaeLynn.  “Can you write a song about fried chicken, beer and having a 5.97 ERA?  I got the blues, y’all.”  That’s Josh hanging out with his harem of D-list country singers.

Jason Kipnis – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI with his 6th homer.  Kipnis may sound like a Jewish delicatessen appetizer, but he’s going H.A.M.

Jack Hannahan – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer.  I guess he didn’t get along with his father’s side of the family and skipped the Hannahananananananananananana wake.

Michael Brantley – 4-for-5, 1 run and 2 RBIs.  If you’re wondering where this came from, Rudy and I just dropped him yesterday because HE WAS DOING NOTHING (caps for emphasis, not aesthetics).

Vladimir Guerrero – Signs a minor league deal with the Blue Jays.  Just picturing Guerrero running on the Toronto turf makes my knees hurt. Guess it’s all worth it for those extra 11 seats per game that will be filled by nostalgic Expos fans.  Vive Vladimir!

Wilson Betemit – Hit his 5th homer in the first game of the doubleheader.  I’d say he’s going to be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell, but he won’t.  He’s here now and he’s hot.  Here’s Eddie Vedder going to his waiver wire, “Can’t find a Betemit…”

Robert Andino – 0-for-8 in the doubleheader.  Rudy told me over IM yesterday that we have Andino filling in for our injured Longoria.  Luckily, my office is on the first floor so when I jumped out the window it didn’t hurt too much.

Wei-Yin Chen – Very impressive start (7 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks) vs. the dangerous Texas Ranger lineup.  He’s now at a 2.68 ERA over 37 innings with a decent 28 Ks.  Wouldn’t trust him just yet in anything outside of AL-only leagues, but at least Taiwanese fans can stop polluting karaoke bars with, “So take this Broken Wang and learn to pitch again….”

Will Middlebrooks was called up to step between his brother, Donnybrook, Bobby Valentine and Youuuuuuuuuk.  Youuuuuuuuuk said, “Ow, my back hurts, I need the DL,” Valentine said, “Just wrap yourself in lavash, that makes everything better.”  Donnybrook erupted in a public place because of needling from Sawx fans and Will Middlebrooks hits a lot of homers in the minors.  Hello, Will, you be staying for dinner?  I’ve prepared a nice spot at the corner spot.  Please disregard the Rays embossed flatware that I have there; it was for someone else.  This year in 23 games in Triple-A, Middlebrooks hit 9 homers and stole three bases.  Last year, he hit 18 in Double-A in 96 games and 7 in 17 games in the low minors.  Yesterday, he went 2-for-3 and stole a base.  He strikes out way too much currently with little to no walks for him to come close to putting up a good average over the long haul.  But long hauls are why you pay movers on Craigslist.  You’re looking at short term if you lost Longoria and, for that, I say grab him in AL-Only and deep mixed leagues.  If you’re in a league where you can grab Alvarez or Chris Davis, then I’d go with them right now.  And, no, I never thought I’d be saying that a month ago.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Josh Beckett – Beckett will only miss one start due to his lat soreness.  Lat’s all, folks.

Mark Prior – Signed by the Red Sox.  Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent desperation.

Mat Gamel – Just when he was finally proving that with playing time he couldn’t hit, he torn his ACL and will miss the season.  Mark down 2013 as the season Gamel can truly disappoint.  With Travis Ishikawa, the Brewers planned for the worst with their 1st base backup, and by that I don’t mean they planned ahead, I mean they literally planned to have the worst backup.

Corey Hart – Due to their aforementioned planning, the Brewers hit grounders at Corey Hart, acclimating him to first.  He said, “I might sneak in there…”  What are you a ninja?  Weeks throws it over to Ishikawa– Bam!  Corey Hart just snuck in and grabbed the throw.

Ryan Braun – Might need a day or two rest after leaving yesterday’s game with a sore Achilles.  Hopefully, he doesn’t have a doctor who stutters because instructing him that he needs to “heal heel” could get confusing for all parties.

Anthony Rizzo – Cubs have discussed internally how to get LaHair and Rizzo in the same lineup.  Razzball Exclusive!  Here’s the Cubs’ inner monologue, “Well, if we agree to off Chone Figgins for the Mariners, and they agree to off Alfonso Soriano, then no one will suspect a thing.”

Bryan LaHair – He hit his 6th homer yesterday.  Hey, Cubs, don’t comb over LaHair yet!

Jeff Samardzija – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Yeah, you should pick up Samardetc.  Yes, you.

Cory Luebke – Lands on the DL with elbow soreness.  I want to think good thoughts here and say he’ll be fine when his DL stint is up and he’ll only miss a few starts, but I can’t say that because he’s a pitcher with pitching elbow soreness.

Chipper Jones – 3-for-6, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer.  Glass Chipper said yesterday that it’s a daily decision on whether he can play or not on his knee.  And here I thought he woke up on Thursday and said, “I think I’m gonna have a sore knee on Tuesday.”

Brett Gardner – Shutdown from baseball-related activities for a few days.  No spitting or grabbing your crotch for you!

Ryan Zimmerman – In case you missed it, Zimmerman’s return date was bumped from Sunday to Tuesday.  Here’s Zimmerman at the Genius Bar, “Hey, for some reason I marked my iCal down to give me a reminder to have an injury setback every day at 2 PM, and it’s not showing up until 4.”

Roy Halladay – 5 1/3 IP, 8 ER.  That’s like the pitching equivalent to what Pujols has been doing for the past month.

Carlos Ruiz – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 7 RBIs and his 4th homer.  7 RBIs is more than some of my teams have combined all week.  I will now squeeze myself into an industrial-sized microwave.

Kyle Seager – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and 2 homers.  In our AL-Only team where we lost Longoria, we had Seager back him up.  With back-ups like that who needs front men?  Am I right, last man standing on Blake Shelton’s team from The Voice?  Though I’m simply rooting for “anyone but opera guy” to win.

Jed Lowrie – 3-for-4, 3 runs after hitting a homer yesterday.  You say potato, I say hot schmotato.

Chris Johnson – 4-for-4 as he DIV/0#x’d his HR total with his first 2 HRs of the year in a 6 RBI game.  He is a fantastic 3rd base play 8 times a year.  If he could concentrate that in 1 week and give me a heads up, it would be appreciated.

Kelly Johnson – It was a good day to be a Johnson as Kelly hit his 6th HR while hitting leadoff for the first time this year.  In retrospect, it’s odd that Bobby Cox hated this guy given their surnames are equally phallic.

Brett Lawrie – 0-for-4 as the Blue Jays scored 11 runs.  Ticker tease!

Edwin Encarnacion – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs with his 9th homer.  Coincidentally, this was the 9th time I sighed this season saying, “Why didn’t I draft Encarnacion?”

Jake Arrieta – 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Been having a hard time coming around on O’s starters, but Arrieta, like a true love or a really good sandwich, is giving me something to believe in.  Two weeks ago, he was in the Buy, two and a half years ago Stephen wrote about him.  Member Stephen?  His picture looked like Alf blowing a bubble.  Anyway, grab Arrieta.  It’s good for your pancreas (and fantasy baseball team).

Nick Markakis – 2-for-5 and his 3rd homer.  Sparkakis!  Never has such a good rallying call been so wasted.

Matt Harrison – 3 1/3 IP, 8 ER, 10 baserunners.  My sweet lord that sucks!  Hope Harrison found some inner peace while owners’ ERA and WHIP gently weep.

Jonathan Sanchez – 5 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 2 Ks as he outdueled Verlander, but Crow blew the win as retaliation for Sanchez’s bullpen-taxing short outings and his pranks in the bullpen that show an odd appreciation for Rollie Fingers.

Brennan Boesch – 1-for-4 with his 4th Boesch and bomb!

B.J. Upton – Should be fine after leaving yesterday’s game with cramping.  Not the first time I’ve heard a B.J. pulling up short due to cramps.

Chris Schwinden – 4 IP, 5 ER vs. the Astros.  In the first row at Minute Maid Park was Barbara Bush or as Schwinden would call her Babraham Lincoln.

Carlos Gonzalez – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs with his 6th and 7th homers of the year.  Yeah, and Matt Kemp poops out 6th and 7th homers for breakfast.

Jeff Suppan – 5 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Does Hodgepadre’ing know no (stutterer!) bounds?  Apparently not.

J.J. Putz – 2/3 IP, 2 ER and his 2nd blown save.  Call me when he’s got 4 blown saves like every other closer!

Justin Upton – 1-for-3 with a slam & legs.  One of the Upton’s knows how to satisfy his owners and surprisingly it’s not the one named B.J.

A.J. Burnett – 2 2/3 IP, 12 ER vs. St. Louis.  Don’t mess with the Cardinals now that they got that Albertross off their team.

Carlos Beltran – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 7 RBIs with his 6th and 7th homers.  Looks like Berkman bit Beltran and now he’s the new Zombino.

Brian Fuentes – Recorded the save because Balfour’s been ineffective and just threw 29 pitches the day before.  I speculated on Ryan Cook, because at least he’s been good, but the A’s look like they went with a known (if crappy) commodity in Fuentes.  Eh, Fuentes is just a dog with different fleas and if you think he’s good, you’ve been in the monkey house too long, as Tim Gunn would say.

Heath Bell – Zero recorded outs, blown save, ERA balloons to 11.74.  In the next week, one of two things will happen to Bell:  Cishek or Mujica will take over the closing job or he will be traded to the Red Sox.

Ian Desmond – 2-for-5 with his 3rd homer which was a walk off homer to give my man Henry Rodriguez a win.  Like I needed more reason to like Ian Desmond.  C’mon, you tantalizer!

Stephen Lombardozzi – 1-for-3, hitting .293 in the two hole.  Hold on, I wanna call Ms. Cleo of the Psychic Friends Hotline.  “Hello, Ms. Cleo?”  “Hey, child, how you doing with your fine moo-stache?”  “Good, Ms. Cleo, question for you.  What do you see happening next week with Espinosa and Lombardozzi when Zimmerman returns?”  “What a good question from such a handsome, young man!  Next week, Zimmerman will return and Lombardozzi will take over 2nd base and Espinosa will be sent–”  Sorry, I had to cut off before I was charged the extra $1.99, but she was about to say he’d be sent down.  I think Ms. Cleo’s on to something.

Jered Weaver – Threw a no-hitter with one walk and 9 Ks.  It was like he was facing nine Pujolses.

Andrew Bailey will need thumb surgery, according to one doctor.  He’s scheduled to get a second opinion today.  That second doctor’s gonna say, “The first doctor and I play golf and he only sent you to me to run up your doctor bills.  Of course you need surgery.”   My opinion is Bailey is always hurt and he’s gonna miss a few months.  When Bailey was first traded to the Sawx in the offseason, I even opined, “When Melancon went to the Sawx, I said, “The GM over in Beantown says Melancon is “capable of closing.”  In big market speak, that means he won’t be the closer.  Melancon is the stereotypical small market closer, big market set-up man.”  Prescient ain’t just a word you need a spell checker for.  It’s a state of mind!  Bailey will be absolutely fine as a closer when he’s healthy, which is to say maybe 4 of 6 months of the season if the Sawx are lucky.”  And that’s me quoting me!  I don’t just bring this up for the Bailey news, but I wanted to say again how the Sawx GM originally pegged Melancon as having closer potential.  Originally, I said he wasn’t a big market closer, but guess what y’all?  He’s a heck more of a big market closer than Aceves.  He has closer experience and that you can’t buy (legally outside of Canada).  The Sawx are saying Aceves could get saves.  I’m not sure how much I believe it.  If Melancon was out there in my leagues, I grabbed him too (as in, in addition to Aceves).  If Aceves does get the first couple of saves, he’ll need to be perfect to keep the job, i.e., vis-a-vis, ergo, Melancon could end up getting 25 saves even if he doesn’t get the first couple.  This shituation is fluid so put on some plastic bed sheets.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw in spring training for 2012 fantasy baseball:

Frank Francisco – Went for an MRI on his knee yesterday.  Ah, the Mets and their injuries.  The Mets doctors originally thought Francisco was dealing with patella tendinitis — is that the pre-med Indian kid who lived in my freshman dorm?  Frank² had an ERA north of 5.50 in the spring and the publicity was, “Where’s his velocity?”  He thought he’d locate his electricity with tenacity, but kept ending up back at paucity, which left people grabbing Rauch in felicity, prior to her cutting her hair — the audacity!   Only issue is unless your league has a category for the number of things a pitcher can reach off a top shelf, Rauch may be useless.  Bobby Parnell, who I believe is the little black kid from the movie Role Models, could end up with the bulk of the saves.  Then there’s Ramon Ramirez, who insists you not call him Ram-Ram, not that there’s anything wrong with a little Ram-Ram… Basically, the Mets are a shizzshow closerousel that could get you sick to your stomach.  I grabbed Rauch in one league, Parnell in another league and think one of them will get the majority of the saves in April for the Mets.  Either could run with the job longer too.

Jason Bay – If he struggles in the season, the Mets said they could platoon him.  Not even joking here, but I think this the first bit of Mets front office news I’ve agreed with since they fired A.J. Mass from his Mr. Met job.

Sam Fuld – Out 4 to 5 months with wrist surgery.  Will give Fuld plenty of time to hunt wabbits.

Sean Marshall – Named Cincy closer.  I could’ve told you that last week, and I’m not even reading tea leaves, especially not chunky Betty Draper’s.

Aroldis Chapman – Will stay in the bullpen as a setup man for Marshall.  I wonder if Aroldis would’ve signed in Cincy if he would’ve known he’d be stuck in the bullpen for his whole career.  Coming from Cuba, he should’ve known he wasn’t going to get any say in the matter with the Reds.

Tyler Colvin – Someone grabbed Colvin in my NL-Only draft during the free round and everyone groaned.  Colvin is a whole lot of nothing right now, but prepare for Fowler to get benched a game here and there and Colvin to get a chance.  If he does well with those chances, Colvin will be a hot add everywhere.

Josh Beckett – Has a thumb injury, but shouldn’t miss his first start.  Beckett did go to Texas to get it checked out.  I’m guessing he didn’t hitchhike.

Carlos Lee – Ken Rosenthal reported that Lee can block trades to 14 teams this year.  With 18.5 million still going to Lee, 29 teams are hoping they’re one of the 14.

Dayan Viciedo – Hit a home run yesterday and finished with a .196 average.  Spring training numbers mean nothing, but I wouldn’t be shocked if this Cuban raftee sees an average around .200 this year.

Randall Delgado – Won the fifth rotation spot for the Braves.  As of right now, Delgado doesn’t look like he’s going to pitch well or past May 1st when Hudson returns.  Last year, he had an ERA of 2.83 in 7 games started, but a hideous K-rate, walk rate and xFIP.  I’m worried about his walk rate and K-rate dropping as he moves up to a new level.  Right now, I wouldn’t risk it outside of NL-Only leagues.

Tyler Pastornicky – Hey, the clergyman that Carmella made out with was named the Braves starting shortstop.  I went over my Pastornicky fantasy already.  I wrote it while being disappointed by the Worst Cooks in America finale.

Roger Bernadina – Nursing a right knee contusion, but should be fine for Opening Day.  Yesterday, in VinWins’ post about RCL trends, I was surprised to see Bernadina wasn’t drafted at all.  Not that I need to explain myself to you, but there’s gonna be a post later today from Rudy that is gonna blow your mind.  Let’s just say, just when you thought my mustache couldn’t get any fuller, it just did.

Jesus Montero – Was escorted off the field after getting beaned in the back of the helmet.  After the game, Wedge said he’s okay, it got him “in the fat part of the helmet.”  Then Kevin Smith started a Twitter campaign demanding helmets of any size are treated the same, then Michelle Obama started a helmet nutrition program and the fat helmet lost weight and wasn’t nearly as funny.