Stephen Strasburg returned yesterday in case you’re living under a rock that doesn’t get the MLB package. Reminds me of a line Selig uses on his wife, “Hey, baby, wanna see the MLB package?” What can I say about Strasburg that hasn’t been said before? That he stinks. That hasn’t been said before. It’s also not true; probably why it hasn’t been said before. He can translate Pig Latin into Ancient Sumerian. That’s never been said before. Also, not true, but whatevs. If Strasburg is available in your league, I’m guessing you’re in a ten team league where it’s you vs.
Please, blog, may I have some more?Jose Tabata
B.J. Upton went o-for-3 or one-for-four if you count him hitting the outfield wall. You say unfeeling, I say how dare he start in front of Desmond Jennings. I sat down to watch this game wearing my dress made of doilies with Desmond Jennings’s face on each doilie, i.e., my Desmond tutu, only to find him benched. How dare you, sir. In fact, I’m bringing out the douchey one word per sentence thing. How.
Please, blog, may I have some more?If the name Casper Wells doesn’t get you excited, check your pulse. You probably still have one, otherwise I’m not sure how you’re reading this. Are you reading this from beyond the grave? Wow, nothing else to do in the afterlife but read about fantasy baseball? That’s awesome! In Triple-A last year, Casper Wells hit 21 homers and chucked in 7 steals. He’s never been much of an average hitter, hmm, that’s not exactly true. He’s a very average 5th outfielder for fantasy, but he doesn’t hit for much of an average. He fails to take a walk and strikes out a decent amount. Earlier this week, Casper hit the sheets out of the ball, homering in four straight games. That’s obviously the ceiling, but, for some pop (assuming you’re not from Minnesota), I’d grab Casper. BTW, Casper’s cheering section should boo. Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:
BUY
Ramon Ramirez – What do you get when you mix a Horacio Ramirez (Hor-Ram) and an Asdrubal Cabrera (As-Cab)?
Please, blog, may I have some more?David Ortiz must not have fed the meter yesterday because he was fitted with a boot. Southie police officer, “You ahr naht above the lah! Now sign my badge for my boy, Tommy.” Turns out Big Papi has right heel bursitis, which is a fancy word that eHow has seven useless articles about that is essentially inflammation.
Please, blog, may I have some more?Trading season is upon us and Leo Nunez and Heath Bell could be out while Mike Dunn or Mike Adams could be in. And K-Rod is 5 minutes ago, according to Jessica Shaw. Every time Bell seems more likely to be traded first, Jeffrey Loria whips his checkbook onto the Marlins GM’s back to trade faster. Between Dunn and Adams, Dunn is less likely to get saves between him and Adams. Dunn’s chances skyrocket if he can bake McKeon’s favorite prune cookies or if he pushes Cishek down a flight a stairs. Outside of trading, Aroldis Chapman is nipping on Francisco Cordero’s heels, but don’t forget Dusty’s penchant to stick with his incumbent. On a related note, Ancestry.com revealed earlier this week that Dusty is a direct descendent of Jim O’Rourke, the manager of the 1883 Buffalo Bisons who once pitched Pud Galvin 656 1/3 innings in one season. Your best bet for saves is to grab Mike Adams, Dunn or Chapman, in that order. Or reverse order if you’re dyslexic. Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:
BUY
Bobby Parnell – It’s all SAGNOF, all the time today, huh? Hold the chicken, bring me the toast, give me a check for the chicken salad sandwich and put the SAGNOF between your knees.
Please, blog, may I have some more?The horrid season for Shin-Soo Choo continues. He’s probably wishing he just went the Bob Feller-Inglorious Basterd route and did his required military time this year in his home country. Kevin Correia said, “We could’ve used him.” Now when Choo gets blotto he can’t even hitchhike home from one side of the road. An optimistic timetable has him out for 6 weeks, but it sounds like Choo doesn’t think he can. I wouldn’t be surprised if we don’t see him until September and, even then, what are you going to get? The same you’d get off waivers. If you don’t have DL room, I’d cut him, Mickey. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Jose Tabata – Left the game on a cart with a quad injury after running out a bunt single. Paula Deen would call that a bunt ache. Or, as Cameron Frye would say, Tabata Tabata Tabata, stuh-rain, Tabata Tabata. The Pirates immediately pulled Alex Presley from their Triple-A lineup. It’s time for the really big shew with today’s guest, Alex Presley. Girls in poodle skirts go crazy. I just went over Presley the other day. I said, “He sticks…longer…profiles…” Hmm… Gotta work on what quotes I pull. He’s a 12/20 guy over the course of a season. In one league instead of Presley, I grabbed Xavier Paul, though Garrett Jones was who the Pirates called on yesterday to replace Tabata. He would be my first choice too in some fantasy leagues.
Please, blog, may I have some more?
These guys are ON FIRE…will they stay hot?
Carlos Beltran – Coming into the season, not much was expected of Carlos Beltran. He had spent the majority of the 2009 and 2010 seasons on the DL, and as an aging center fielder, the outlook wasn’t good.
Please, blog, may I have some more?Already thin 3rd base position just got a lot thinner with Pablo Sandoval breaking his hamate bone. When Sandoval first heard the bad news, he pulled a half-eaten ham bone out of his pocket and asked if the doctor could insert it in the injured bone’s place. He couldn’t. Sandoval now knows how Rikki Lake feels when she lost all that weight then lost her job. Sometimes fatty boombalatties are best to stay fatty boombalatties. Hey, I don’t make the world, I just live in it. So, Sandoval will miss up to 2 months with surgery and rehab. His blimpotence was already an issue and hamate bone breaks tend to zap power further. It’s not a good day to own Sandoval. Yesterday wasn’t very good either. Tomorrow probably won’t be much better. Then on Wednesday…Well, you get the point. When Mark DeRosa returns, he stands to see an increase in ABs, for those in NL-Only leagues who just need counting stats. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Ryan Zimmerman – Will miss 6 weeks with a tear of the rectus muscle in his abdomen. Why does he have an anus in his stomach?
Please, blog, may I have some more?Justin Smoak has back-to-back days with home runs and back-to-back-to-back games with a home run. Say that fast 117 times! Where there’s Smoak, there’s fire! See what I did there?! Did you see?! Yeah, of course you did, it was pretty obvious. Smoak seems to be the hot schmotato of the moment. (Hot schmotato hasn’t made its official way yet into the glossary. Just taking it out for a test drive, seeing how it feels. It does have that new Razzball glossary word smell.) If you’re currently rocking a corner infidel that doesn’t excite you or your nipples, grab Smoak. Kid’s got talent and might just be coming into his own. The lost Smoak monster is found! (BTW, he was a preseason sleeper. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge, bassoon.) Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Erik Bedard – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks. When he’s healthy, he’s usually pretty a’ight, so, sure, I’d grab him. As Fonzie’s horse would say, what the hey!
Please, blog, may I have some more?Joe Nathan reclaimed his closer job this year but was missing something, consistently putting his team behind the 8-ball, so the Twins shifted to CAPPS. On March 25th, I said this about the Matt Capps and Taipei Slinko shituation, “Here’s what I see happening. Nathan gets torched and Capps saves a few games while Nathan works things out. Then Nathan returns, gets torched again and, finally, the Twins send him to the Disgraceful List.” And that’s me quoting me! Right now, we’re at the point where Nathan’s off to work things out. I don’t think this ends well for Nathan. Someone in the Twins organization should’ve stepped forward and said, “Hey, Taipei, you’re a gamer in the non-nerd way, we appreciate that. No one likes nerds — the candy or otherwise. But, listen to me, you’re rushing yourself back. Chillax! Go get a Jamba Juice, enjoy some me time and let’s take it slow with your recovery.” But, well, that didn’t happen. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Brian Duensing – 7 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks. He’s a Duensing machine! Would I pick him up in certain deep leagues? Yes, but I don’t trust him.
Please, blog, may I have some more?
