Fantasy Baseball Advice

Even King Mo, Thy Saver of the Throne, Sire of Sutter, Haver of Fingers, Tester of the Quiz, Nowhere Near the Stench of the Wickman is not immune to the closepocalypse that is upon us.  The plague of ninth inning locusts strikes all that cross thee path!  What?  I was pouring out some Olde English for the brothers who aren’t here.  Mariano Rivera was hurt shagging fly balls.  Last person hurt like that was Jenna Jameson.  It didn’t look good, as he was carted off in pain, and it turned out even worse, as he was diagnosed with a torn ACL.  David Robertson should’ve been owned already, but here’s a real reason to, you save vulture.  This is frustrating not because I owned Rivera.  I don’t; I don’t believe in $12 Salads, but someone is lucking into Robertson, who could end up one of the best closers in baseball this year.  If you’re really hurting for saves, it’s worth a speculative grab to pick up Rafael Soriano.  The Yankees would have to be five cookies short of a potential Biggest Loser contestant’s breakfast to skip K-Rob for Soriano, but he does have closer experience.  Whatever that means nowadays.  After the closepocalypse, half the league’s pitchers have closer experience.  Juan Cruz has it now!  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Pablo Sandoval – Wanna hear something freaky?  You have a third nipple!?  No, Random Italicized Voice.  Almost exactly one year ago, Pablo Sandoval broke the hamate bone on his other hand.  (And less freaky is Ryan Zimmerman was also injured that week.)  I suggest next year, for the week of Cinco de Mayo, Pablo Sandoval go out of town.  Maybe Cozumel.  Have some margaritas, win some wet t-shirt contests, have unprotected sex — Really get the full Mexico experience!  Then return a week later healthy.  The fact that Sandoval broke his hamate bone two years in a row makes me think he should have them removed (then BBQ them and sell them at a county fair).  The surgery is not unheard of, Tabata had the hamate bone removal surgery done in the minor leagues (then used it like a wishbone and hoped his wife would stop thinking she’s remaking Raising Arizona.  BTW, his wife is 46 years old?  And Tabata is 23?  A Latin 23 may not do this guy justice, which is the key word.).  If Sandoval keeps the hamate bone, then I’d be concerned this could keep happening.  Either way, he’s out for 6 weeks.

Conor Gillaspie – Should replace Sandoval for the majority of the playing time.  Conor Gillaspie plays 3rd sack.  Me myself, I like to max.  Red-Bone booties, I’m out to wax!  Seriously, what did we do without Google for song lyrics?  Did everyone sound like my uncle who sings three words of every song then mumbles the rest?  Mumble, mumble, mumble, I can’t go for that.  No can do.  Gillaspie has a little bit of nothing going for himself outside of average.  He was hitting .356 in Triple-A.  That was inflated by his BABIP, but he should be able to hit around .280.  He has next to no power, and his speed isn’t that impressive.  You can do better, Marvin’s Room. (Maybe the best song of the last year.)

Heath Bell – Ozzie says Bell is still his closer.  He also praised Castro and disparaged gays, so, ya know, grain of salt.

Edward Mujica – Recorded the save yesterday but Cishek (who I think will get saves) and Bell were unavailable.

Brandon Morrow – 9 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Not only did he throw a shutout, but he didn’t throw any walks.  Can he pitching coach Scherzer?

Albert Pujols – 0-for-3, dropping his average to .202.  Can’t they pinch-hit Maicer Izturis for him?

Ernesto Frieri – Yesterday, Albert (not Pujols, the writer for our site) called Frieri the “closer of the future” for the Padres.  Then Frieri was traded to the Angels.  I don’t think he’s the closer of the future for the Angels, but “setup man of the future” doesn’t have much of a ring to it.

Adam LaRoche – Sat out yesterday with oblique soreness.  That dreaded, extremely vague soreness again!  I wouldn’t be surprised to see him miss a few games.

Ross Detwiler – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks.  He was in last week’s Buy.  Don’t make me go back there!

Joe Blanton – 9 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks.  In related news, Halladay left the Phillies for a few days for a personal reason.  He didn’t say why except, “Yo, Joe Blanton got this.”

Laynce Nix – 2-for-3 with a homer.  Superfluous Y’s rejoice!  In chorus, “Because!”

Coco Crisp – Headed to the DL with an inner ear issue.  Coco Crisp says he keeps hearing a snap, crackle, pop.  In his place, Michael Taylor is joining the A’s, but no one seems thrilled about ever playing Taylor in the majors.  Pretty ironic that he was once traded for Brett Wallace, though no one outside of the British really knows what irony is.

Randall Delgado – 8 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  He’s looked like anything but the top prospect he is until this game.  I’m not buying quite yet in most mixed leagues, but I’m watching very carefully.

Ryan Vogelsong – 7 IP, 1 ER, 12 baserunners, 5 Ks.  He looks like a safe, non-threatening number five starter without too much upside or downside.  Kinda like the pitching equivalent to doctor’s office music.  “Hey, while I have this molar extracted, what’s that playing?”  “It’s Vogelsong.”

Jason Kipnis – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 4th homer.  His bumper sticker reads, “Why can’t a nosh be posh?  Kipnis!”  His Jason Kipnis fantasy reads like that.

Pedro Alvarez – 2-for-4 with another homer.  He’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell.  Hint:  He’s not a sell.

Andrew McCutchen – Left yesterday’s game with a stomach bug.  Hopefully it’s not a tapeworm.  Those things are nasty.  This girl I know decided to cure her own salmon and left it on the counter encased in salt.  Well, flies dropped some larvae in the lox and she had worm squirts for days.  Okay, when I started that story it seemed appropriate.

Erik Bedard – 5 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 11 Ks.  Eleven Ks over 5 innings is nice.  His 37 Ks over 34 innings is very nice.  His health, well, it’s good for now.  I’m not a big fan because every time I seem to get invested he breaks down, but his Ks have me intrigued, and whenever I say intrigued in my head I hear the Comic Book Guy.

Jose Tabata – 3-for-5 with a steal.  He raised his average over 100 points in the last ten games.  He’s not going to be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell.  Wanna know why?  Cause I’m telling you now (actually I told you two days ago).  He’s hot.  Pick him up.  Go now.  This post will be here when you return.

Chone Figgins – 0-for-4 with his average falling to .189.  They really need to DFA this no-longer-young brother.  And lose Smoak while you’re at it too, M’s.  In fact, start over with Carp, Ackley, Montero, Seager and Ken Griffey Jr. Jr.

Allen Craig – 4 for his last 9 with 3 RBIs.  Potatoes to chips, this doode came back from the DL like a flaming ball of yarn.  See, if yarn’s on fire, it would roll out and the hotness would spread, which in hitting terms is good.  Makes total sense.

Bryan LaHair – 2-for-4 with his 7th homer.  The Cubs shouldn’t be thinking about how to make room for Rizzo.  They should be thinking about how to erect a giant statue of LaHair, then accidentally tip it over on Alfonso Soriano.  Two birds, one stone (or granite).

Ryan Dempster – 8 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks.  First game back from the DL + In a tough park for pitchers +  Against a tough offensive team = Chumlee.  Hmm, math is wrong there.  Meant to add up to SONAVABENCH!

Carlos Marmol – Zero outs recorded, 3 unearned runs (1 earned) and 4 baserunners.  There’s no saying exactly what’s wrong with Marmol, but he’s not himself (dur!).  Sveum says he could replace Marmol from the closer role (dur-dur!).  I want to say bench Marmol in most leagues, but he looks like he’s headed for a trip to the Disgraceful List.  Rafael Dolis would be the pickup, but he’s been far from spectacular.  He hasn’t been craptacular though either.  Kerry Wood isn’t a bad specloselation.  James Russell is a deeper SAGNOF specloselation pick.  He’s been great so far, but he’s a lefty.  It’s basically a total mess of a closerousel shituation.  Now I will await Guinness Book of World Records to crown this blurb for the most portmanteaus ever used in a single blurb.  *finger tap*  Waiting…

Evan Longoria is out for 6 to 8 weeks.  Let’s look on the bright side.  According to our Fantasy Baseball Player Rater, Longoria has been less valuable than Encarnacion and Aviles at 3rd base.  On the less bright side, those guys have been really, really good.  Okay, that bright side argument didn’t play out so well.  Let’s try again.  On the bright side, I told everyone to draft Longoria and drafted him myself, so you can point at me and say how screwed I am.  On the less bright side, if you’re reading this, there’s a chance you listened to me and drafted Longoria too.  Okay, last try.  In the 6 weeks he will miss, Longoria would’ve gave you around 8 homers and 30 RBIs with a .300 average.  You can get that off waivers from Pedro Alvarez or Chris Davis (if all those coins I just dumped into a wishing well mean anything).  Did I just try to convince myself that Pedro Alvarez was going to give me the same stats as Longoria?  Wow, glad I haven’t convinced myself anything dangerous like I can fly or I can heal Longoria’s torn hammy by kidnapping him and taking him to St. Petersburg where they filmed Cocoon.  Though I guess taking him to St. Pete couldn’t hurt… Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Matt Moore – 5 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Pull your arms inside, I’m closing the window to buy low on Moore.

Matt Joyce – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer.  Every year he’s a beast before the All-Star break.  Will someone remind me next February to place Joyce in my top 100 overall?  It sounds like crazy talk, but think about this.  You draft Joyce in the top 100, then someone will underperform on your team when the season starts (Stanton, McCutchen, do I have to continue with the names?) so you trade the underachiever for a different piece and play Joyce.  Then you’ll be winning your league and people will be like how is this schmohawk winning when he took Joyce in the 8th round?

Nolan Reimold – Will miss a few days with a bulging disk — no, that’s not like when you tried to jam a CD into your radio and one was already there.  Reimold says he will be back in a few days, which is pretty much what he’s said for the last week, so he also has a broken record.

Brian Matusz – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks.  2nd consecutive solid start from Matusz…And his WHIP is still 1.70.  Ma nish ta no thank you as I pass over him.

Chris Davis – 3-for-4, 3 runs and his 5th homer.  See, he’s totally as good as Longoria!  (Or I’m taking my fountain coins back.  All of them Mouth-style.)

J.J. Hardy – 1-for-5 with his 4th homer as he bats .185, which is my weight soaking wet, holding a 20 pound bottle of mayonnaise.

Shin-Soo Choo – Yesterday, Rudy said over IM that he thought they were going to designate for assignment Choo.  Then I remembered his keyboard N doesn’t work.  He meant Chone with an E typo and no N.  Though, DFA’ing Choo didn’t sound as crazy as it should have.  With that said, Choo sat out again yesterday with a tight hamstring and hasn’t played in a week.  If Choo’s hamstrings wrote for Razzball, you’d get a roundup every other week.

Jordan Schafer – Out with an oblique strain.  Just thinking about how weird words are that start with oh-bee.  Oblique, oblong, OB-GYN.  Eh, maybe it’s just me.

Jed Lowrie – 1-for-2 with his 2nd homer in three games.  When Lowrie gets hot, he gets hot schmotato hot, and when he gets cold, it’s because he’s injured.  WHO!  (While Healthy Own.)

Paul Goldschmidt – 3-for-4, I was thinking that his 1-for-3 on Monday might’ve been a sign, but yesterday’s telling me he’s alive.  If an impatient owner dropped him, grab him immediately.  AuShizz is on!

Krispie Young – Took 35 swings yesterday.  Just give me three of your best and get on the field!  Ah fanabla, he’s not due back for a few weeks still.

Trevor Cahill – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  His ERA is now at 3.13.  Aren’t you glad you panicked after his last start?

Jarrod Dyson – 2-for-4, 2 runs out of the leadoff spot.  He also got a steal on Sunday.  If you need steals, I could see grabbing him, but once Cain returns (soon) I’m not sure Dyson will play.  Or maybe I’m just not picking up Dyson because I’m chicken.

Jeff Francoeur – 3-for-4, maybe Frenchy is finally coming out of his season long slump.  If he is, could he bring Hosmer with him?  Thank you.

Rick Porcello – 8 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, lowering his ERA to 5.64, and raising his “How many times will someone ask in the comments if they should pick up Porcello” quotient to 6.89.

Mike Carp – Activated from the DL.  94% (no math done) of the outfielders on waivers are the Alex Presley type, which leaves only 17% (still no math) of the outfielders giving power.  So if you’re in the lesser quarter percentile (throwing math out the window at this point), I’d grab Carp, or Crap if you’re kinda dyslexic.

Jesus Montero – 4-for-4 with no runs, RBIs or steals.  The Charley Lau Special!

Michael Saunders – 1-for-4 with his 4th home run.  We actually go over Saunders later on today in the podcast.  You can hardly wait!  No, you!

Jason Kipnis – 3-for-4 with a SB.  Now has his AVG up to .280 with 3 HR and 5 SB – good for top 5 in the Player Rater for 2B.  We are Kipnissing history.

Ryan Zimmerman – Says he’s going to return on Sunday.  I’ll file that under “I’ll believe it when I see it.”  It’s filed right after, “If there was celery ice cream, I could eat all I want and still lose calories.”

Bryce Harper – Jumped into a pickup softball game yesterday in Washington.  Softball when you’re not old enough to drink?  That sounds terrible!  Somewhere, Matt Stairs is nodding his head yes.

Jose Iglesias – Recalled by the Red Sox to provide depth as Youuuuuuuuk nurses his big-baby-itis.  Iglesias is a good pick up if your league has a Web Gem category.

Gordon Beckham – 3-for-4 including his 1st HR of the year.  One more of those and someone’s gonna have a big boy average (.200+).

Yadier Molina – 2-for-5 with 3 runs and 2 SBs.  Other catchers are having great years but Yadier is #1 on the player rater for catchers and it’s not that close.  He must’ve kept some of Pujols’s mojo.

Cory Luebke- Will be skipped with a sore elbow.   As frequent commenter, royce! said, “With Luebke being hurt, the Padres get to show off their minor league depth and call up… Jeff Suppan?  I’m thinking a sad trombone would work here, but a “trombone being kicked in the nuts” would be more appropriate.”

Jonny Venters – 2/3 IP, 2 ER as he blew Beachy’s quality start (7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks).  Fredi Gonzalez said Venters’s punishment is having to throw another 120 games in a row.

Curtis Granderson – 2-for-3 with his 9th home run.  Okay, but Stanton has 10 RBIs, so there!

Kelly Johnson – 2-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 5th homer.  I’ll be honest, I don’t know what every player is currently doing.  Johnson was one of those I wasn’t sure about.  So someone asked if they should drop him the other day and I looked at his stats.  This guy you want to drop?  I’d give you Cano’s stats for Kelly Johnson’s stats right now.  Actually, I’ll give you Longoria, Cano and Stanton’s stats if you want them.  Kelly Johnson has more RBIs than Bautista right now.  Oh, and I like Aaron Hill right now too.  Danny Espinosa, not so much.  He looks like the turd that my ex-girlfriend put in my bed in college.  A story you can read all about in my e-book!

Adam Lind – 0-for-4 with one homer on the year as he bats .203.  This ship sailed and then sunk.

Jemile Weeks – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th steal.  Holding the mirror to his nose, and it faintly fogs up.

Grant Balfour – 1/3 IP, 2 ER and his fifth earned run in his last two appearances.  As the closerousel turns… I’d grab Ryan Cook only because I think Brian Fuentes is bad at, ya know, pitching.

Jarrod Parker – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks in Fenway.  Sonavabench!

Pedro Alvarez – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer.  Only 7 more homers and 27 more RBIs and you will have admirably filled in for Longoria.

Jose Tabata – 1-for-4 with his 1st homer.  He’s also batting over .350 in the last week.  Hey, Tah-bah-ta, Tah-bah-ta, Tah-bah-ta, swing, Tah-bah-ta!

Ubaldo Jimenez – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER– Well, whatever.  You can’t own him anywhere.  Take him and Chacin, give them two Entertainment.com coupons to Souplantation and hope they get food poisoning.

Giancarlo Stanton – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer to keep pace with A.J. Ellis.

Heath Bell – Threw the perfect inning for the save, and the closer leash goes out a hair, but remember it’s retractable.

Jerome Williams – 9 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks as he threw a shutout vs. Minnesota.  Nothing gives pitchers the O face like facing Twins.

Torii Hunter – 2-for-2 with his 2nd homer in as many games, equaling the I’s he dots.

Albert Pujols – 0-for-4.  Now being outhomered by Dee Gordon.  Though Dee Gordon’s homer came off his head as Matt Kemp was swinging him.

Peter Bourjos – Benched for the 4th time in 5 games by the Sciosciapath who has decided not to play a struggling prospect with awesome defense in favor of Vernon Wells.  Peter, welcome to the Doghouse That Napoli built.  The Sciosciapath is going at this all wrong.  He should try to one-up his student, Joe “Infield Shift” Maddon, by playing a two man outfield of Bourjos and Trout and then play five infielders.  “Hey, Maicer, you always wondered what UTIL meant?  It means U stand behind second base ‘TIL I tell you to come back to the dugout.”

Mat Gamel – Left yesterday’s game after running into a fence.  This gives me a great idea.  Baseball stadiums should have no fences.  Only players should wear electric shock collars, so when they get to a certain point in foul territory they’re shocked. Problem solved!

Last year, the Buy/Sell brought you such brilliant ideas as “Grady Sizemore is gonna bounce back big time!” and “I don’t believe a concussion can knock a player out for a full year… Can I get a Morneau?!”  Buy/Sell, “You know, I don’t point all of your crappy suggestions… Vernon Wells as a sleeper?  2003 called and said it wants its sleeper back.  You’re lucky I even returned this year.  A.J. Mass was talking about buying me an acre of land in Kentucky and letting me run around with all of his stolen base draft picks.”  So, this is the first Buy/Sell of the season.  Every Friday there will be a new one.  Buy/Sell, “Not if we continue to get along like this.”  Right now Eric Thames is owned in 1.3% of ESPN leagues.  I guess I’m a one-point-three percenter because I just picked him up in one of my leagues.  Let’s see what we know for sure about Thames:  A) He’s the starting left fielder for a team that will score a lot of runs.  B) If Lind’s back continues to hurt him (I hope not, but being realistic) and Edwin Encarnacion goes back to being Encrapcion, then Thames could bat as high as cleanup.  C) There’s no C.  D) He hit 12 homers in 95 games last year.  E) He could steal 5 to 7 bases and, if he can steal 5 to 7 bases, he could steal 10 bases.  F)  See C.  G) He’s 25 years old.  H) I’m kinda stretching to get to Z, but I don’t think I’ll ever make it.  I) He had a great OBP in the minors.  J) He does strike out a lot though.  Hmm, that’s not a positive.  K-P) Power is a lot harder to find on waivers.  He’s got it.  Q) Bert.  R) I ranked Thames 57th for outfielders.  Above some schmohawks like Kubel, Revere, Span, Carlos Lee, etc.  S) Etc.  T) Etc.  U-W) Etc.  Y) Cause.  Z) Whew.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in 2012 fantasy baseball:

BUY

Lorenzo Cain – Let’s see, Carlos Quentin is owned in 38% of ESPN leagues and Cain is owned in 28%, but only 95% of teams have drafted already, but 60% of those public ESPN teams have already abandoned their team and joined a Yahoo league instead because ESPN is a piece of crap roster managing site…  I’m sure glad ESPN made it easy to find the Transactions Log for teams.  It’s much more important to have Referenda accessible, right?  More like Reeferenda, as in what they were smoking when they designed their fantasy site.   What does this have to do with Cain…Sugar!?  Nothing really, but I’ve talked about him enough, just pick him up.

Jose Tabata – He’s only owned in 11% of leagues and that’s actually dropped in the last week.  Did I miss something about him?  Why’s he being dropped? For s’s and g’s?  In that case, drop Denard Span for s’s and g’s and pick up Tabata.

Zack Cozart – I can’t imagine who’s reading this doesn’t own Cozart, so I’m writing this for everyone who’s not reading.  Hey, gooftard, go back to ESPN!

Chris Parmelee – Supposed to be the Twins starting first baseman.  This sounds crackers to me.  Not sure how Mauer, Doumit and Morneau are all gonna see 1st base and DH time.  Could leave Doumit severely crunched for playing time.  Outside of AL-Only leagues, I wouldn’t go near Parmelee. There’s not a lot of upside (maybe 15 homers), he’s playing his home games in Hubert H. Homerfree Retrodome and Doumit/Morneau/Mauer will all steal time from him.

Josh Donaldson – The starting 3rd baseman for the Oakland A’s is… Josh Donaldson?  Colby’s brother?  Is he as bonkers as Russell’s nephew?  Yeah, Donaldson has about as much upside as a case of hemorrhoids — hey, at least I get to rub my ass with ointment!  But Donaldson has catcher eligibility.  Probably the best second catcher in a 2-catcher league you’re gonna find for under five bucks at your auction.

Jeff Samardzija – The only thing holding him back from being successful is his control. So far this spring, he has 16 Ks and one walk. Keith Law commented this is the best he’s ever seen him, then he tweeted some pompous thing about Russian literature and coq au vin.  It’s worth an add on Samardzija, but I’m not sure I’d start him his first time out.

Francisco Liriano – Seriously, kill me right now.  Ugh.  F-Liriano, indeed.  But he is owned in less than 50% leagues and when Ricky Nolasco is owned in more, that’s not copacetic.

Tommy Milone – In the same ballpark as Brandon McCarthy (literally!) and Stauffer (not!), shouldn’t be great for Ks, but could provide nice WHIP support like Jiffy Lube.

Lance Lynn – Will fill in for Carpenter in the early part of the season and put a country-western album in August, “Lance Lynn Sings:  My WHIP Drives Around No Heartaches.”

Jonathon Niese – Here’s what I said in the top 80 starters for 2012 fantasy baseball, “(Niese) had a K-rate of 7.89 last year and showed in the minors that is about right and could be even a little higher.  Also, he had a slightly off BABIP and poor LOB%, so he wasn’t really a near-four and half ERA pitcher, but probably three-quarters of a run better.  All these good vibes about Niese make me want to do my Grind workout.”  And that’s me quoting me!

Jonathan Broxton – Broxton’s got back, and saves apparently.  Yes, you should grab him.  SAGNOF!

Henry Rodriguez – Could get saves, will get Ks, could hurt your WHIP.  6 of one, half dozen of another and six of a negative.  That’s 6, which is not a prime number.  Oh, no!

Brad Lidge – Should be first to get saves in Washington.  Not to throw a bucket of cold urine on Storen owners, but I wouldn’t be shocked if Lidge gets more saves than Storen this year.

SELL

Chris Carpenter – I don’t know, I guess I wouldn’t drop him.  I guess I’d DL him if I already drafted him against my advice.  But I sure as heckfire wouldn’t draft him now, if you haven’t drafted yet.

Kendrys Morales – People are really excited about him right now.  I heard the other day he saved a kitten from a tree…By ripping said tree from the ground and gently placing it down next to the kitten’s baby mama.  It’s a moving story.  As discussed in our fantasy baseball podcast, Morales isn’t going to see enough at-bats in 12 team mixed leagues.  I wouldn’t drop Morales out right because of the previously aforementioned enthusiasm that I already mentioned aforementionedly.  I would see if I could get something for him in a trade.  Maybe a cheap Donkeycorn.

Mark Trumbo – Guys and four girl readers, where is he playing?  The Sciosciapath said he’d get 40 games at 3rd.  That’s not over the course of 40 games, that’s over the course of the season.  Where is he playing the other 120 games?  Angels playing with two DHs?

Daniel Murphy – He’s owned in 92% of ESPN leagues.  A guy with 12 homer upside?!  I feel like Matthew Modine in Short Cuts saying, “He said, ‘You want to have a go at it?’”  A guy with 12 homer upside?!  Two homers a month?!  This is Grey’s brain.  This is Grey’s brain baffled.

Drew Storen – Splash!  That was the bucket of cold urine.  A closer who can’t throw in Spring Training because of arm troubles is, um, trouble.  I wouldn’t trade Storen for an opened bag of candy corn from Halloween ’95, but I’d explore options.

We at Razzball realize that exporting our views across the country has damaging consequences on the blogosphere. To help make amends, we are reaching out to leading team blogs and featuring their locally blogged answers to pressing 2012 fantasy baseball questions regarding their team. We feel this approach will be fresher, more sustainable, and require less energy consumption (for us anyway). The 2012 Pirates Fantasy Baseball Preview comes courtesy of Where Have You Gone Andy Van Slyke?

1) So 2011 wasn’t the best year for Pedro Alvarez.  Okay, might’ve been the worst.  Can he fix his insane strikeouts and get his career back on track?  Is he even the starter? 

Honestly? I have no idea if he can fix himself. I think that a lot of his problem is mental; he really bears down hard on himself when he gets into a slump and overthinks things in the box and that gets him behind in the count and when that happens he’s totally screwed. Clint Hurdle has a pretty good track record as a hitting coach and he’s shown a willingness to work with Pedro in the past, so I’m hopeful that they can do something to get him back on track. At this point, I’m hoping he can turn into a Carlos Pena/Ryan Howard masher who puts up huge homer totals to offset huge strikeout totals and a low average. I’m not at all sure if he’s capable of that, but I haven’t totally given up hope. As for whether or not he’s the starter … I think we can say that it’s his job to lose for now, but that he definitely could lose it out of spring training. The Pirates can petition to get him an extra option year because he moved through the system so quickly (I think), and assuming that’s granted they do still have some leeway with him for now.

2) Last year Casey McGehee looked to me like a Baha Man.  That proved to be accurate.  So what are the Pirates going to do with him?  Does he play 1st?  3rd?  Bat off the bench?

Remember all those at-bats that the Pirates threw away on Josh Harrison and Chase d’Arnaud last year? Actually, you probably don’t if you’re not a Pirate fan. Josh Harrison and Chase d’Arnaud are allegedly big league baseball players, though, and they were awful last year as utility men in the absence of Alvarez. McGehee’s role depends mostly on Alvarez, but for right now I’d assume that his job is going to be to play against left-handed pitching on one of the corners. Garrett Jones definitely needs a platoon partner at first base and Alvarez might need one at third, so there should be plenty of at-bats for McGehee in a platoon role. Most of McGehee’s struggles last year were against lefties (.413 OPS), which doesn’t match his career numbers at all, so he should bounce back at least a little bit.

3) I ranked The Dread Pirate as high as humanly possible.  My projections for him are 95/25/100/.275/30.  Care to make a case that I’m actually being conservative and he’s going to steal 40 bags and hit 30 homers?

Not really, no. If I had to guess, I’d say that 30 homers is more likely out of him than 40 steals but I think that’s probably a stretch, too. PNC Park is really rough on right-handed power and I’m just not sure McCutchen has the brute strength required for 30 homers in the park, but I could be wrong. He does have a pretty short, sweet swing that generates a lot of power and he tailed off quite a bit late in the year last year, so he might be capable of something in the 25-30 range. The reason I kind of doubt that he’ll get to 40 steals is just that he’s not the leadoff guy anymore, but that does depend on the other guys. If he bats in the three-hole with Walker and Alvarez behind him and those two guys hold their own at the plate, he probably won’t steal a ton of bases to maximize their chances at the plate. If he’s batting fourth and Alvarez is a disaster again, they might let him run wild. Still, I’ll stick with 25-30 being the range he ends up in in this category, too.

4) I’m going in on Jose Tabata again this year.  I also love Alex Presley.  Please tell me McLousy isn’t going to screw up all of this outfield love.

I sincerely doubt it. The Pirates have been awfully good at getting the right guys playing time and Presley and Tabata definitely enter the year as the starters in left and right. McLouth’s just a depth guy and one that I think the Pirates are hoping will benefit from a return to left-friendly PNC. That said, I’m much less sold on Presley and I’m torn on Tabata. Tabata, I think, could make a solid leadoff guy if he can stay healthy for 140-150 games, so your guess of 30 steals/7ish homers might be a good one. He wasn’t great last year, but he did draw a ton of walks and went on a couple absolute tears, so there’s definitely potential there. The health is a problem though; he’s been hurt pretty much every year he’s been in the Pirates’ system. Presley just strikes me as the kind of guy that looks great in the minors because he can hit .330, but suddenly he’s a starting left fielder with a .270/.320/.400 line and you’re talking yourself into him having defensive value to justify his presence in the lineup everyday while for some reason Clint Hurdle insists on batting him second and just sucking the life out of ever Tabata leadoff walk. That said, if Tabata gets hurt or Presley falters, there’s a pretty good chance that Starling Marte is the one that will replace him in the lineup everyday. Marte’s an interesting prospect; he absolutely tore up Double-A last year and even though his strikeout/walk total is out of whack he’s very, very raw (he didn’t come to America until 2009, when he was already 20). He seems to be getting better every year. He’s supposed to be even faster than the Dread Pirate (to the point that it looks like he’ll play center and McCutchen will play left once he gets called up) and he’s definitely a guy to keep an eye on in Triple-A. If he can get his strikeout total down a bit and still produce in Triple-A, he’ll be in Pittsburgh at some point in 2012.

5)  When I hear Charlie Morton, I think of salt.  When I hear Rod Barajas, I think of Charo’s breasts.  When you hear Erik Bedard, what do you think of?

French-Canadian wheelchair assassins.

Even if you draft one or two outfielders in the top 100 (which you should), you’ll still need to identify some late bargains.   The top 20, 40, 60 and 80 outfielders for 2012 fantasy baseball can be found under the 2012 fantasy baseball rankings.  This is by no means all the outfielders I’d draft for one of my teams.  This is a list of guys that will go after the top 200 and could provide some healthy returns.  Where applicable, click on the player’s name to read more about them and to see their 2012 projections.  Anyway, here’s some outfielders to target for 2012 fantasy baseball:

Bryce Harper – More of a keeper pick.  Not yet a stud, but should be a stud for many years to come, assuming the league doesn’t disallow every home run he hits because of too much pine tar under his eyes.

Brandon Belt – Bruce Bochy’s big head + Belt’s playing time = Suzanne Somers.  Hmm, my math is probably off there.  If Belt gets 500 ABs, he could be a top 50 player.  I’m not even playing.  Not even half playing.  Or a quarter.

Colby Rasmus – Wow, I have Rasmus way earlier in my rankings than he’s being drafted.  Like way way earlier.  Actually, that might be way way way earlier.  It’s early, let’s leave it at that.  So I’m drafting Rasmus this year, now the question is will I hate his guts by May or love him?

Mike Trout – Before their Pujols’ acquisition, the Angels were less bloated, though it sounds like the opposite should be true.  If you click that Trout-linkie-ma-who, it’s a whole post dedicated to Trout pre-Pujols.  Yeah, things get dated like raps about al-Qaeda.  If you want to know why I think you should still take a last round flyer on Trout, read the Harper post but find and replace his name with Trout.

Alex Rios – Yes, I wrote an Alex Rios sleeper post.  It kinda makes me chuckle every time I think about how lame that is.  It’s such a move ESPN would pull.  Next up, Todd Helton… Huge sleeper!  Eh, what do you want?  I’m lame, deal with it or move on dot org.  Before you do that though, remember a guy going after 200 overall that could give you 20/20 isn’t as terrible as you might think, even if you kinda want to abandon your team right after drafting him.

Lorenzo Cain – Finally, it’s his turn to run down the white lines.  Cain… Sugar!  Melky is rejected, Royals are corrected… Gordons, Crows and Butlers are thoroughly respected… The revenue gets divided… Bill James gets excited… Now Glass ain’t broke and it’s no joke… It’s hard as hell to fight it, Royals are contenders?  Don’t buy it!  Freeze!  Rock!  Raines!  Cain’s drafted a little higher, baby… A little higher, baby…

Delmon Young – Maybe it’s the whole too many times I’ve been burned thing, but I trust Delmon Young about as far as I can throw him, which is nowhere near as far as he can throw a bat.

Dexter Fowler – He’s very fast, but his stolen base percentage makes me think he’s a stoned teenager.  Dude, where’s 2nd base?

Jason Bourgeois – He doesn’t have a starting job right now, but he’s a must own if you need steals because he will see at bats – though Bourgeois resents the implication that ‘owning’ him means he’s part of the proletariat.  You’ve been Marxed!

Tony Campana – What’s the take away from this outfielders to target post?  There are lots of cheap steals.  SAGNOF!

Jose Tabata – For those who keep clicking on the names and going to the top 60 outfielders post and keep wondering why I didn’t just say look at the top 60 outfielders post, I hear ya.

Yonder Alonso – For the next time you’re playing “Would you rather” here’s a good one.  Would you rather Yonder get everyday playing time for the Padres or 350 ABs for the Reds?  BTW, that’s assuming you’re playing “Would you rather” and there’s no girls within 100 feet.

Dayan Viciedo -  Could he breakout and have a huge year?  Sure, but he’d also have to have a BABIP over .350 and a HR/FB over 20%.  A cliché that doesn’t exist that I just made up right now says, “Possible and probable only share a few letters.”

Alex Presley – These outfielders are in no particular order.  If they were in order with the best guy first, Presley would be on top.  (Or maybe last if I were to build suspense until the top guy.  Anyhoo!)  I kinda want Presley on all of my teams.  After someone drafts Victorino, tell them you’re gonna take him too, only 10 rounds later in the form of Presley.  Only tell them with your inner monologue so no one else hears you and drafts Presley first.

Nolan Reimold – Now if these were in order and Reimold had 550 ABs coming his way, then he’d be on the top of the list.  I think the O’s have Endy Chavez, Wilson Betemit and Chris Davis in their potential everyday lineup because they want to be contracted.  How about the Astros and Orioles combine forces?  The O’stros?  Anyone?

Chris Heisey – Now if Heisey was guaranteed everyday playing time, didn’t play for Dusty and Reimold was still without a starting job, Heisey would be on the top of my list (if these were in order and I started with the top guy first.  This isn’t getting confusing, is it?  No?  Good!)

Carlos Gomez – Haven’t mentioned him anywhere this offseason.  That’s just plain wrong!  No, actually it’s not.  He’s terrible.  He sucks, at ya know, baseball.  If the ex-Marlin, I-can’t-hit-so-I’ll-bunt-and-take-PEDs Alex Sanchez had a twin sister and they had a baby together, it would be Carlos Gomez.  Gomez could steal 30 bases if he can get 400 ABs.  Remember, Corey Hart is already hurt and Nyjer Mogan is one thorough psychological evaluation away from ending up in a mental asylum.