Fantasy Baseball Advice

The top 20 shortstops for 2012 fantasy baseball are a shallow bowl of dung and even the catchers are ranked ahead of them for depth.  All the 2012 fantasy baseball rankings can be found under that thing that says 2012 fantasy baseball rankings.  (Don’t worry, one of my New Year’s Resolutions is to link to things a little more seamlessly).  Shortstops usually get the short end of the stick when I’m drafting.  If I don’t get a top guy from the first two rounds, I’ll probably just take a flyer on some late round player.  Honestly, I don’t even really want to mess with Tulo, Reyes and Ramirez.  So, to amend what I just said, I usually just take a late flyer on a shortstop.  I honestly can’t remember the last time I drafted a 1st or 2nd round shortstop, and I play in about ten leagues per year.  In leagues that play a middle infielder, then you might need two of these schmohawks.  Hopefully, you can grab two decent 2nd basemen and only need one of these guys.  As with the other top 20 rankings, I point out where I think tiers start and stop and my projections.  Anyway, here’s the top 20 shortstops for 2012 fantasy baseball:

1. Troy Tulowitzki – His projections are found at the top 10 for 2012 fantasy baseball.

2. Jose Reyes – His projections are found at the top 20 for 2012 fantasy baseball.

3. Hanley Ramirez – His projections are found at the top 20 for 2012 fantasy baseball.

4. Elvis Andrus -  This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Asdrubal.  I call this tier, “Only four shortstops in and it’s your last chance for a decent one.  Yay.”  Maybe it’s Arlington, maybe it’s the lineup around him, but I still think he can hit 7 to 10 homers and be the new Reyes.  He’s still only 23 years old and he’s shown durability and speed.  All he needs is to find a little power stroke and we’re looking at a guy that is gonna shoot up a few rounds next year.  2012 Projections:  105/7/60/.285/40

5. Starlin Castro – Castro’s gonna be the Jeter of the Cubs.  Players on the Cubs are gonna come and go and Castro’s gonna be there, hitting .300, teen homers and steal 20-ish bases.  For a long time.  (Note #1:  I wrote the preceding then decided to use my Google machine to see if anyone’s made that comparison before.  Sure enough, yup.  Dozens of people.  There’s even a crappy Bleacher Report slideshow of Jeter and Castro that has five pictures total that are flip-flopped five times to drive up pageviews.)  (Note #2:  If you skipped the first note, let’s act like I invented the Castro/Jeter comparison.)  (Note #3:  There’s no note number three.)  I’m sure I’m the first person to think of the Jeter vs. Castro comparison.  Prescient isn’t just a word I can’t spell without a spellchecker!  (Note #4:  Thanks for ignoring the first note.)  2012 Projections:  100/12/70/.310/20

6. Jimmy Rollins – You know when you show up at a party early and no one else is there and you’re stuck talking to people you don’t know?  That’s like drafting a player the year before he breaks out.  “So, how do you know the host of the party?  You met him at AA?  Cool.  You know, I actually have another party I have to get to.”  It’s equally bad showing up sober to a party late and everyone is drunk and acting a fool.  That’s like drafting an older player who finally becomes useless.  “So, you put flash frames of Masonic imagery in your home movies?  Interesting… I think I’m gonna head home.” And before you know it you’re cleaning up vomit off your shoes because of the random guy who couldn’t resist the Jager.  No one wants to be the first or last person at the party.  I get it.  You’re running the risk of being last on Rollins and having to clean up his puke, but I think a car load of girls is about to show up and the party has one more rally left in it.  2012 Projections:  80/14/55/.270/24

7. Asdrubal Cabrera – Let’s put what I have to say aside for one second.  Bill James says Asdrubal should go 16/15/.273.  He gives Rollins 16/25/.262, Castro 8/21/.312 and Andrus 4/39/.281.  Those are relatively the same with Rollins getting the edge because of steals and power.  Rollins is obviously the most likely to get those numbers or get injured.  Castro doesn’t have huge power, but he’s better in steals and average.  Andrus is way better in steals and slightly better in average.  So why is Asdrubal last?  He never hit more than 6 homers in any other professional season.  He just pulled a 25 homer, “Hey, look I’m Ben Zobrist!” season out of his back pocket.  All of those other shortstops have done all of those numbers before.  Andrus easily has speed, Rollins has done those numbers for multiple seasons and Castro is five years Asdrubal’s junior and he just went 10/22 and hits .300 like it’s his job (which it is), i.e., I’m not drafting Asdrubal with his current price tag.  2012 Projections:  80/14/70/.270/15

8. Derek Jeter – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Bonifacio.  I call this tier, “Where’s all the freakin’ shortstops?”  What a mess this position is.  That’s it; only 7 shortstops?  For serious?  That’s ridiculous.  Fold the position and move everyone on the field thirty feet to their right.  Or count pitchers’ hitting for fantasy and forget about shortstops.  Last three years, Jeter’s homers have been 18, 10 and 6.  As we know from 3rd grade math problems, next year Jeter’s gonna hit a negative two homers.  Hey, Garrett Atkins, get out of Jeter’s earth skin?!  2012 Projections:  90/10/60/.275/15

9. Alexei Ramirez – I dislike this guy a shizzload.  His end of the year stats of 17-ish homers and 10-ish steals look all right, but to get there it’s, like, 3 homers and 1 and a half steals per month.  Who even steals half bags?  Fat and/or lazy guys, and Alexei isn’t fat the last time I checked.  Oh, and when you’re waiting for 3 homers and 1+ steal a month, it’s utterly yawnstipating.  2012 Projections:  75/17/80/.270/10

10. Erick Aybar – The best thing Aybar has going for him is Scioscia loves him like a fat kid loves cake.  When the best thing for you is when a Sciosciapath likes you, you’re in trouble.  He gave Jeff Mathis 2000 ABs!  2012 Projections:  80/6/50/.280/24

11. J.J. Hardy – You trusting J.J. Hardy as your shortstop?  Not rhetorical!  Seriously, are you?  He wasn’t even drafted last year and he’s ranked 11th, and it’s not like he was this prospect that suddenly emerged and that’s why he wasn’t drafted.  He’s 29 years old and has played 7 years in the majors.  You think he’s going to repeat last year or do you think he’s gonna disappoint like his other years?  Oh, God, this position is terrible.  2012 Projections:  60/19/75/.255

12. Emilio Bonifacio – A utility man who just had a career year isn’t my idea of a great draft pick.  Maybe I’m old fashioned!  Maybe when I curse I say drats!  Maybe I call my breeches knickerbockers!  Maybe I’m afraid of planes because I think they’re giant birds!  I don’t buy Bonifacio at all on the average.  That was bolstered by luck and a hitting streak where things were falling in for him…. Hmm, that’s sorta the same as luck.  I also don’t buy the power, even if it was only five homers last year.  The speed is real though, so if you can get him at a bargain and you need speed, go for it.  Remember, you’re drafting a guy that you will almost definitely want to drop two weeks into the season.  2012 Projections:  70/2/40/.260/30

13. Dee Gordon – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until Alcides.  I call this tier, “Honestly, I don’t even think these guys are that great, but compared to what’s left after this, this is your last chance for exciting.”  If you don’t have a shortstop by the end of this tier, then you are punting shortstop and will end up with a waiver wire carousel of Cliff Pennington, Rafael Furcal and Jason Bartlett.  Otherwise known as Clafson Barcal, who only sounds like a character from The Wire.  Gordon is Juan Pierre at shortstop.  He’s so skinny if you put a sesame seed on his head he looks like a thumb tack.  I don’t think Gordon could hit a homer if they move the fences to standard Celebrity Softball regulation.  But he does have speed to burn, so there’s that.  2012 Projections:  80/0/30/.265/45

14. Ian Desmond – I feel like Desmond and Espinosa both get a bad rap.  Speaking of bad rap, imagine Nicki Minaj guest rapping on a Pitbull song.  Man, they are both terrible.  You’re not rhyming Kodak with Kodak, you are just repeating the same word!  Desmond was actually a bit lucky with his average last year and he strikes out a lot.  It’s not a great sign, but all the players this low have some drawbacks.  2012 Projections:  70/10/65/.250/22

15. Zack Cozart – I already went over my Zack Cozart fantasy.  I wrote it while defriending anyone that ruined Boardwalk Empire’s finale.  2012 Projections:  55/14/70/.245/20

16. Alcides Escobar – This is it.  No more upside at shortstop after this.  Unless you’re related to Everth Cabrera and you promised to draft him so he stops threatening to walk into traffic.  Alcides has the promise of 40 steal speed in those luscious gams of his.  Whether he ever wants to make good on that promise is up to him.  BTW, luscious is a totally normal adjective to describe another man’s legs.  Alcides looks like a poor man’s Aybar.  Or a Sawdust-On-The-Floor-bar.  2012 Projections:  75/5/50/.250/30

17. Jhonny Peralta – This is a new tier.  This tier goes from here until the end of the post.  I call this tier, “If you draft from here, you will rotate out your shortstop at least 5 times this year.”   I guess Peralta could be J.J. Hardy this year and bash 30 homers.  More than likely he’ll hit 17 homers and a .250 average.   I don’t buy the .299 average last year at all.  I think the God of Extra H’s came to him in April and bestowed on him his one wish — a pony that craps gold.  Then he got lucky and hit .299.  (You didn’t think he’d wish for a .299 average, did you?  I mean, wouldn’t he just wish for a .300 average?  C’mon, use your brain!)  2012 Projections:  60/17/75/.250

18. Yunel Escobar – I never know what to make of Yunel.  One year he hits 11 homers and another year he hits 14 and another year he hits 10 homers.  Will he hit 11 this year?  Maybe 12?  Or even 13?  So much to think about!  /sarcasm  2012 Projections:  70/12/45/.280/3

19. Jason Bartlett – I wouldn’t be surprised to see Bartlett traded to a team that uses him as a backup.  Luckily, that wouldn’t change his fantasy value.  Because to change values, you need value — snap!  2012 Projections:  50/3/35/.255/20

20. Rafael Furcal -  Member when Furcal was one of the top shortstops in the game?  Yeah, I don’t either.  I have a bad memory.  Who are we talking about anyway?  Ryan Klesko?  I love his sideburns!  2012 Projections:  60/7/35/.245/12

After the top 20 shortstops for 2012 fantasy baseball, there’s a lot of names but these standout:

Tyler Pastornicky – Since the Braves like to throw prospects to the fire (to nice success), I expect they’re going to give Pastornicky, who sounds like the clergyman that Carmela made out with, every chance to play.  In the minors, he’s shown decent power for a shortstop and 20-ish speed.  I wouldn’t expect much of an average.  He might be a very cheap Ian Desmond.  That sounded better in my head than it probably did in yours.  To read further on Tyler Pastornicky 2012 fantasy, click that link-a-ma-boob.  2012 Projections:  55/7/65/.250/17

Jed Lowrie – The fact that the top 20 2nd basemen for 2012 fantasy baseball and this post both have Astros in the upside flyer section at the end of the post speaks volumes.  I share very little enthusiasm for Lowrie that others have.  Best case scenario, he hits 15 homers and steals 3 bases.  Over the course of the season, you’re looking at a guy that hits about 2 homers per month.  That gets boring by April 7th.  2012 Projections:  60/12/65/.260/3

Stephen Drew – I usually like to highlight guys at the bottom of this list to look at late, but we’re talking about shortstops here.  If you couldn’t tell from the dozen or so times I said there’s no good shortstops, here’s another indication.  For the first time in a while, Stephen Drew will not disappoint because no one is expecting anything from him.  The Royal We is not even sure if he’ll be able to play when the season rolls around.  Think about all the time we would’ve saved from drafting the two Drew boys if Mother Drew never met Father Drew.  Could someone travel back in time and make sure they never meet?  2012 Projections:  60/12/55/.270/5

Baseball’s hot stove season has been largely dominated by the new-look Marlins. The last time a Miami team made such headlines in free agency, it was the controversial Miami Heat “Dream Team.” Although they did not have their own hour long ESPN special and subsequent public hatred like Lebron and his gang, the new-look Marlins have come to play. Opening a new name, a new stadium and a new brand, the Miami Marlins have been spending money indiscriminately, almost bafflingly. In the blink of an eye, the Marlins organization became populated with a fiery new manager, multiple perennial all-stars, future hall of famers, gold furniture and miniature giraffes. Seemingly not satisfied, the Marlins are rumored to be in pursuit of many of the big names still on the market. In baseball home-grown talent generally trumps big market acquisitions, but if there was a model for free agency winning championships, this certainly is not a bad start. Let’s take a minute and assess the fantasy fallout of this mind-blowing series of moves.

The first domino to fall was the Heath Bell signing, but in retrospect that is little more than a drop in the pond. The big prize was Jose Reyes, whose signing represented a bit of a shocker to the baseball world. Reyes will struggle to play full seasons (he has not exceeded 140 games played in 4 seasons), but his presence at the top of the lineup will be a major upgrade as long as he is on the field. From a fantasy perspective he gets an upgrade as he joins a lineup with more firepower than the Mets could muster. Additionally Ozzie Guillen is likely to be aggressive in his use of his leadoff hitter, meaning a return to 50 SBs is within the realm of possibility. Still, all the press surrounding this signing will likely drive up the price on draft day, and I’m not sure I’d be willing to pay it. I think it will ultimately be a better play to reap the benefits that this upgraded lineup will confer on the rest of the lineup. This becomes all the more poignant if the Marlins make another big offensive signing. Even though they missed the Pujols boat they still reportedly want to bolster the offense. Curiously, they are reportedly out on the Prince Fielder sweepstakes because apparently no matter how many tofu tacos he eats he cannot rally the Hispanic market (funny, I thought homeruns were the universal language). One possible alternative is the Cuban shortstop Cespedes. The easy transition from Cuba to Miami makes it a fit for not only the player but also for the Marlins, who help that aforementioned Hispanic market.

Lost in all of these moves is the fact that the Marlins actually had a decent squad last year. After Trader Jack McKeon took over the team they played reasonably well, and certainly have talented pieces to work around. The primary beneficiary of this managerial change was Hanley Ramirez, who rebounded from a slow start to post respectable numbers until being shut down with an injury. Hanley will likely remain on the team even with the acquisition of Jose Reyes (despite rumors that he may be shopped), and hopefully Ozzie Guillen can motivate the superstar in the same way that Jack did.

Hanley’s situation is very interesting from a fantasy perspective because Reyes’s signing has forced Hanley to make a switch to 3rd base. This means that Hanley will bring his 5 tool talents to a new gig- dual eligibility at two of fantasy’s scarcer positions. Unlike Alex Rodriguez who made the same position shift, Hanley is not a true slugger. His power and speed combo will be truly unique at 3rd this year, but his power stroke will need to return in a big way for him to be considered a legitimate option at third base. Fortunately, his dual eligibility will allow owners who take him early to have great flexibility later on in filling these tough positions.

Another bystander from last year’s team who stands to benefit is young superstar Mike Stanton. Stanton’s power was historic in 2011, and his ability to overcome the adjustments pitchers made against him proved he was no fluke. If fantasy owners had one complaint about his 2011 season, it was likely in the RBI department. He was shuffled up and down the lineup all year, and seemingly hit nothing but solo shots. Regardless of whether the Marlins’ signings prove to be good or bad, the short term lineup looks to get a major boost, and Stanton’s RBI numbers should improve dramatically. There were numerous other Marlins position players who were mixed league relevant who can expect a similar boost as well (I’m looking at you, Logan Morrison and Gaby Sanchez). Buy buy buy.

In stark contrast to the new-look offense, the Marlins’ rotation looked to be more of the same with Ricky Nolasco and Josh Johnson as the headliners (provided the latter’s injury rehab goes smoothly). After that a slovenly band of journeymen and veterans consisting of Anibal Sanchez, Chris Volstad and newly-acquired Wade Leblanc rounded things out. The Marlins, correctly realizing that this rotation was a recipe for disaster, made a game-changing signing — Mark Buehrle. Buehrle has been consistently solid for a long while in the tougher American League, and should benefit from a move to the senior circuit. He should be a formidable piece of the Marlins rotation and a coveted mid-tier fantasy starter on draft day.

Another area that the Marlins did manage to upgrade was their bullpen via their somewhat surprising acquisition of Heath Bell. Bell’s peripherals are not nearly what they once were, but he should be a clear upgrade over the “Artist formerly known as Leo Nunez” Juan Oviedo. Oviedo himself becomes a dicey fantasy play unless he is non-tendered and latches on elsewhere as a closer. However it seems fairly likely that the Marlins will keep him around for depth purposes. I’d shop him in keeper leagues before the dust settles.

Whether the Marlins have built a championship contender is still a matter of debate. They have certainly generated a buzz in the baseball world that will hopefully translate to attendance at their new ballpark. Regardless of the outcome, there will be many fantasy options coming out of this lineup this year, but don’t draft on hype alone. The value is there only if you know where to look.

Jose Reyes went from the King of Queens (See, Reyes is Spanish for kings.  Things are much more interesting when they need to be explained, aren’t they?) to the land of retired Jews as he signed with the Miami Marlins.  Did Jeffrey Loria’s great auntie die and leave him with an extra hundred million?  Team moves into a new stadium, changes its name and suddenly has money to burn.  Looks like Marlin employers might actually get Christmas gifts this year…. That aren’t regifted.  “Cool, um, the pie tin that hit Coghlan in the face.  Never thought I’d get one of these.”  Jose Reyes’s value doesn’t change much in Miami.  All Reyes needs to do is stay healthy and he’ll be every bit as valuable as he should be.  You know, 40+ steals, 100+ runs.  The uze.  For all of those people that are suddenly penciling him in for the best season of his career, I just want to point out one thing — Carl Crawford’s signing with the Red Sox and how well that worked out.  And he stayed (relatively) healthy.  Imagine if Reyes gets injured.  Now, they’re not related; they don’t even look like cousins.  No reason to think what happened to Crawford will happen to Reyes, but nothing is set in stone except in Perfect Case Scenario World where I’m not a blogger but shtupping Jessica Alba.  What Reyes should do in Miami is 110/12/50/.295/45.  I love it; I love Reyes; I own a “Reyes is My Baby’s Daddy” t-shirt.  Just keep caveats in mind.  (BTW, I didn’t use the word shtupping back there.  I wrote this post while on a ouija board channeling Buddy Hackett and he wrote that word.)  Anyway, here’s some other offseason moves that happened and what they mean for 2012 fantasy baseball:

Hanley Ramirez – Reyes just made it easier to be a Hanley apologist in 2012 drafts because he’s moving him over and Han-Ram’s getting 3rd base eligibility.  Honestly, I’m kinda annoyed because I was excited to draft Hanley at a discount and now every Tom, Dick and Harry Schmohawk will have an excuse to still draft Hanley so he’s not going to be discounted at all.

Manny Ramirez – Reports are saying he’ll serve his suspension and play again in 2012.  He’s probably embarrassed for being banned for estrogen and wants to get banned for something more heroic like drilling a hole in his bat and stuffing it with tampons.  Long term, maybe Manny can apply for the hitting coach job with the Cardinals.

Top 20 catchers, 1st basemen, 2nd basemen and 3rd basemen are in the books.  What a strange, glorious trip it’s been!  Though not really.  Today, the top 20 shortstops for 2011 fantasy baseball get to shine.  Hmm… Actually, most of these won’t shine.  They’re cloudy with a chance of crapballs.  As I said in the 2nd baseball recap post, the shortstops are almost exactly as shallow as the shortstops and 3rd basemen.  Now it’s time to be a bit more specific.  The top ten shortstops were better than the 2nd basemen and 3rd basemen.  Yes, that is scary.  Though if you were in a deeper league or if you used an MI, the fall off from the 13th to 20th ranked shortstops is not pretty, whereas the 2nd basemen held their value as you dropped down the rankings.  3rd base was as big a mess in the lower half of the rankings as shortstops.  Okay, enough of the hubbub on the tomfoolery.  To recap, this final ranking is from ESPN Player Rater with my comments.  The Player Rater allows me to be impartial while looking at how I ranked them in the preseason.  Anyway, here’s the top 20 shortstops for 2011 fantasy baseball and how they compare to where I originally ranked them:

1. Jose Reyes – I’m a huge Reyes fan and he didn’t disappoint this year.  He missed almost forty games and still was the top ranked shortstop.  If you filled him in halfway decently while he was injured, you had huge production from his spot.  He cut his K-rate by a solid margin, had a bit of luck on average but should’ve had more homers.  Six of one yadda³.  I kinda want to see him end up in Boston this offseason, but I’m also afraid his value will be inflated a’la Crawford and his injuries could resurface.  As for that whole sitting out to win the batting title thing, it doesn’t matter for fantasy.  It’s about as relevant as Miggy filling his jock strap with airplane bottles of liquor.  Turn down the treble and eliminate the noise.  On a side note, why is Jose Reyes freakin’ naked on the cover of ESPN, The Magazine?  I have girls back to my house and they don’t understand.  My moms sees this magazine and she’s questioning things.  Not that there’s anything wrong with the questions.  Preseason Rank #3, 2011 Projections:  110/12/60/.290/40, Final Numbers:  101/7/44/.337/39

2. Troy Tulowitzki – Imagine if I jumped out of DeLorean in March and told you Tulo would miss September, would you still have drafted him?  I’m guessing no.  I’m Guessing, II:  The Return of I’m Guessing; you would’ve regretted not drafting him.  I’m Guessing, III:  I Didn’t See The 2nd I’m Guessing But They’re Making Another One?; if you were in a H2H league, you probably would’ve regretted not drafting him less.  Preseason Rank #2, 2011 Projections:  95/30/105/.280/15, Final Numbers:  81/30/105/.302/9

3. Starlin Castro – Was one of those players that I wasn’t excited about in January when I did the rankings, then ended up with him on multiple teams because Rudy liked him a lot.  Sometimes Rudy’s smart.  (Sometimes last March Rudy told me he didn’t want Kemp on every team.  Sometimes I shouldn’t have listened.)   Preseason Rank #12, 2011 Projections:  75/5/55/.305/12, Final Numbers:  91/10/66/.307/22

4. Asdrubal Cabrera – He was ranked low by me in the preseason, but I did put him in a group of players you should take a flyer on at the end of the draft.  I’ve had much love for Asdrubal from the moment he burst on the scene with his easy-to-giggle-at first name.  Still, his power output this year is ridonkiculous.  25 homers?  Really?  Did Hanley and him urinate into a fountain as they made a wish at the same time?  (I ranked Asdrubal 22nd overall, but I said in the preseason blurb I’m only doing that to highlight him and he’s actually above Castro, so, ya know, don’t hate the ranker, hate the game.)  Preseason Rank #11, 2011 Projections:  80/7/60/.295/20, Final Numbers:  87/25/92/.273/17

5. Elvis Andrus – Came pretty close to performing exactly as I thought he would, but, for full disclosure purposes (or porpoises if dolphins are reading), I wanted more from Andrus.  He reminds me of Brian McCann.   I expect them to break out in a huge way, then they perform well and I’m still slightly disappointed.  I’m telling you, one of these years Andrus is gonna give us a Reyes in his prime year.  Preseason Rank #4, 2011 Projections:  95/5/50/.270/45, Final Numbers:  96/5/60/.279/37

6. Emilio Bonifacio – Went over him in the top 20 third basemen post.

7. Jimmy Rollins – Gave a much better season than I expected from him.  And it might’ve been better if it wasn’t for Utley’s injury.  While filling in the three hole (not like that!), Rollins’s line was 17/1/5/.271/5.  And you thought Utley only hurt you directly.  He’s giving you indirect reasons to dislike him.  Preseason Rank #5, 2011 Projections:  85/14/65/.260/20, Final Numbers:  87/16/63/.268/30

8. Erick Aybar – Back on January 18th (which is my birthday, mark it down!), I left Aybar off my top 20 preseason ranking and commenter, Fanthead, said, “Doesn’t Erick Aybar (who is not ranked) have the wherewithal to match (Alcides’s) numbers (70/3/40/.275/30)?”  Well, la di da!  Maybe Fanthead should do his own rankings!  And use words like wherewithal throughout!  I keed.  It was a good call by Fanthead.  Aybar did have the wherewithal.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  71/10/59/.279/30

9. Derek Jeter – Here’s what I said back in the preseason, “So I’ve been watching the first season of Friday Night Lights.  Great show.  I’d say SPOILER ALERT! but that season’s like seven years old.  Anyway, when Riggins was stealing Minka from Street, I kept imagining Street yelling, ‘So, Jeter, it’s okay to steal a cripple’s girlfriend, but you won’t fight a cripple?!’”  That has nothing to do with anything, but it made me laugh when I was reviewing what I had said.  Now Jeter’s on to the next one and Minka’s remaking a terrible show with an even worse show.  As for Jeter, what can be said about him that hasn’t been said before?  His power’s all but evaporated and he gets runs and average.  Yay or who cares?  Yay or who cares?  YAY OR WHO CARES?!  That’s what I’m asking you!  Sorry, lost my shizz there for a second.  Preseason Rank #6, 2011 Projections:  105/12/65/.280/15, Final Numbers:  84/6/61/.297/16

10. Jhonny Peralta – Went over him in the top 20 third basemen post.

11. J.J. Hardy – The real mystery with Hardy is why is he ranked so low.  Maybe because he came so cheaply in drafts or off of waivers, but he seemed way more valuable than 11th overall.  If I were ranking these guys, I’d put Hardy above Bonifacio.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  76/30/80/.269

12. Alexei Ramirez – In May and September, he hit around .300 and didn’t steal one base.  Removing doubles, triples and homers, that’s fifty-eight times he was on first and just stood there like a cat stole his tongue… Well, that cliche doesn’t work, but you get my drift.  Preseason Rank #7, 2011 Projections:  80/17/70/.280/14, Final Numbers:  81/15/70/.269/7

13. Yunel Escobar – I could be guaranteed Yunel’s final line in March and I wouldn’t draft him.  I’d still prefer to draft someone who could actually be better with upside.  Preseason Rank #18, 2011 Projections:  75/10/60/.290/7, Final Numbers:  77/11/48/.290/3

14. Ian Desmond – Was he all that and a bag of Funyuns?  Nah, not exactly.  But I think you could’ve done worse with your MI.  And you put what I think in one of those 50′s supercomputers and it spits back at you, “So what?”  Have I learned my lesson with Desmond for next year?  He hit 8 homers and stole 25 bases, not sure what there is to learn.  I’ll take it every day for my MI and twice on Muesday.  Preseason Rank #10, 2011 Projections:  80/15/70/.280/20, Final Numbers:  65/8/49/.253/25

15. Alcides Escobar – If I may toot my own horn — though if I could actually toot my own horn, I’d never leave the house — I did really well with projections this year.  January Grey was locked in.  January Grey, “Funny you use that turn of a phrase cause I’m actually locked up in Guatemala.  Look for me on Locked Up Abroad!”  Preseason Rank #11, 2011 Projections:  70/3/40/.275/30, Final Numbers:  69/4/46/.254/26

16. Cliff Pennington – Now we’re at the point in this exercise where you really shouldn’t have owned any of these guys all year long.  And, if you did, you’re not reading this anyway.  You’re over in our fantasy football or fantasy hockey or fantasy basketball section talking about how Grey’s a dumbass.  Preseason Rank #14, 2011 Projections:  60/5/40/.245/30, Final Numbers:  57/8/58/.264/14

17. Marco Scutaro – One good month and you too can get in the top 20 shortstops.  3 ladies and gentlemen, your 2011 shortstops!  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  59/7/54/.299/4

18. Hanley Ramirez – On top of him taping heroin to your back and pushing you through a Turkish checkpoint, his name value made everything much worse.  I’ll explain.  If you have someone like Scutaro and he’s not performing, you drop him for someone else.  You have Hanley and you hold out hope until the bitter end.  Or worse, you trade for him thinking he’s gonna bounce back.  Yeah, Hanley killed some teams this year.  We may forgive, we will never forget.  Preseason Rank #1, 2011 Projections:  100/26/100/.310/25, Final Numbers:  55/10/45/.243/20

19. Darwin Barney – Went over him the top 20 2nd basemen post.

20. Yuniesky Betancourt – His name anagrams to Batter Nine You Sucky.  Preseason Unranked, Final Numbers:  51/13/68/.252/4

On the first day of the season, I said something profound and uplifting.  Don’t go back to look.  I’m sure I did.  Today, I’m like Mark Twain talking about summer in San Francisco but less pithy.  The coldest winter I ever spent was the last day of the baseball season.  It’s metaphorical, friend.  Trust me.  Here’s where I tell you how everything’s gonna be okay.  How there will be a next season, barring the Mayans taking things into their own hands… I can’t do that.  I can’t tell you there will be a next season.  *checking notes*  Actually, I can do that.  There will be a next season.  Hey, that’s good news!  Also, next year we’ll know not to draft Morneau.  That’s more good news!  And next year we’ll be done with the hair transplant so girls will start to react favorably to us.  That’s good news too!  So, I know you’re blue, but without clouds there’s no sun.  Actually, I don’t know if that’s true.  Again, metaphorical.  Or is that meteorological?  You know what?  These aren’t things we need to get hung up on.  We’re gonna sit here, read all my year-end recaps that’ll be coming in the next few weeks and wait until next year.  Even if gangrene sets into our legs from lack of circulation!  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jose Reyes – Laid down a bunt single then had himself removed from the game to guarantee he won the batting title.  That’s not how Ted Williams would’ve liked it.  He risked a .400 average to take all his ABs in the last game of the season.  The only time he quit while ahead was after death.

Miguel Batista – 9 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks.  After the Mets-Reds game, Batista learned that this great start was all a hilarious stunt for a new show on MLB.TV called “Last Wish” starring the incomparable Steve “Psycho” Lyons.  Gotcha, Miguel!  Stay tuned for Sean Casey’s talk show ‘The Mayor’ where guests come out and chat while standing on 1st base.

Cubs – Reached out to Tampa Bay’s Andrew Friedman to take over their vacant GM job.  Unfortunately, Bartman deflected Friedman and the Cubs couldn’t make the catch.  Moises so mad!

Gordon Beckham – 2-for-4 and his 10th homer.  I told you he’d be a sleeper this year!  Deep, effin’ REM sleeper.  I hate this schmohawk.  I’d like to write Beckham’s blurb with cut-out magazine letters from the basement of an undisclosed location.

Brandon Morrow – 6 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Now here’s an underperforming sleeper I can get behind (every year and every year he fails to live up to expectations).

Hector Sanchez – 1-for-4.  How many Sanchezes does this team have?  Jonathan, Freddy, this other guy… Does Sabean think Sanchez translates to 35-year-old player?  Call them Tres Sanchezes and they play just outside Creme de Carmel, California.  BTW, with the addition of Hector, Sanchez just edged out Sandoval as the surname with the highest net weight in the Giants clubhouse.

Phil Humber – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Wasn’t in love with his K-rate this year and I’m not convinced it’s ever gonna nudge above 7.  Though he can maintain around a 3.75 ERA next year. #Humberbrag

Craig Kimbrel – 2/3 IP, 1 ER as he blew the save and the Braves playoff chances.  What a Wohlers.

Carl Pavano – 9 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks as he beat the Royals’ Bruce Chen who went 8 IP, 0 ER.  There was no actual runs in this game.  Mercy rule was called so these two teams could return home to people who care about them.

Mike Napoli – 2-for-3 and 2 more homers against Scioscia and the Angels to bring his season total to 30 homers.  Me, Napoli and his mom’s nipples have made it to the mountain top!  And it’s chilly!  Which is perfect weather.  So we have to snuggle.

Dan Johnson – Hit a huge homer for the Rays to tie up the game in the ninth.  How is Johnson even playing?  He was Pipp’d by Monoboy.  What a great day for baseball.  Speaking of which…

Evan Longoria – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs, 2 homers with one being the walk off winner that took the Rays to the postseason.  Hopefully now Longoria can forget about finding out who Tony Parker was sleeping with.

Mark Teixeira – 2 homers, 5 RBIs and… Oh, who cares?  Did you see the Rays, Braves and Red Sox games?

Cole Gillespie – Homered in the heat of the ninth.

Eric Young Jr. – 2-for-5 with his 27th steal.  I know I’m a damn fool for Young, but bear with me.  Or bare, if you’re a naturist.  He had 41 singles this year and 26 walks.  That means he was on first roughly 67 times (I say roughly because if he legged out a single and then there was an error, he’d end up on second, I’m not looking into shizz that closely).  So imagine he played in 155 games and got on first 150 times.  He’d have like a thousand steals.  Or 50+.  Either way, please let someone free Eric Young Jr. from platoon duty.  He’s got a family to feed!

Chris Carpenter – 9 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 11 Ks.  Sure, it was against the Astros B lineup… Wait a second, that’s not their B lineup.  Aw, Shuck.

Gio Gonzalez – 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 11 Ks vs. the Mariners which is worse than the Astros B lineup.

Milton Bradley – Was arrested yesterday on suspicion of battery.  No word yet on Milton Bradley’s accomplices, but I’m sure the Parker brothers will be brought in for questioning.

Stephen Strasburg – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 10 Ks.  The Nationals season is like getting a massage at a shady parlor.  Awkward, messy, but at least you get a happy ending.