Sometimes you ask and you shall receive and in that vein, I begin this month’s Razznasty update. Now I know the two questions you’re asking, what did you ask for and receive? And which vein? First, it’s the main vein, you know the one in the middle…. Secondly, I asked our very own Hippo in the bush Matt Truss to make a push in the standings over the course of June so I could name the next update “Can’t Truss It”. Done and done. I told Mr. Truss-ah Truss that I’d dress as Flavor Flav from this video while I wrote it. Truss, that I held up my end of the bargain, picture me decked out in white tuxedo with top hat and Batman glasses. Unfortunately I can’t share with all of you due to a shortage on the correct cartridges for my vintage Polaroid Sun 600. Sorry boys, and whatever number of girls are reading this year. I believe we were up to five, but we might have lost a few after the Jose Canseco interview. There’s nothing that upsets the ladies more than invasive question about Madonna’s early 90’s sperm brokering. Enough of the bollocks, onto the Razznasty update for June. Dynasty League Baseball at it’s finest.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

A dollar doesn’t buy you much anymore in this world. It’s disappointing how much the value of the dollar has diminished over the last many years. I gave a bank teller a George Washington and he handed me back 90 cents. Who am I to argue with a teller. I gave a homeless woman a dollar the other day and she called me a pathetic cheapskate. Did she really have to use the word “pathetic”? Even the Wu Tang Clan is looking to replace the words dollar bill from C.R.E.A.M. Is the dollar on life support? I just don’t know. But I’ll tell you one thing a dollar can buy you… fantasy baseball players that will make you the owner of a first place team.

Rostering only players that cost $1, including players that were not drafted at all, I could easily assemble a first place team. I’m including players that were not drafted because they could have been for a dollar. I realize that hindsight is 20/20, but let me show you what $10 could have gotten you in your 2016 fantasy baseball auction draft…

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Sup, readers of the Razz. Normally I lead with a pitcher call that I think is undervalued and sometimes I lead with a bat if said bat has enough to talk about with them. Don’t worry, I get paid by the word so you’ll never have to worry about me not having too much to say about anything. And yet, here we are. I’m speechless. This late slate of pitching has two beautiful scenarios at a high price and a whole lot of dreck. Ricky Nolasco is $7,100. He’s the seventh best pitcher, according to DK pricing. The world hates us, fam. I’ll have some points per dollar calls in the pitching today but in reality, pay up for the big two in cash and play in lots of tourneys with some bad arms elsewhere. Did I get you excited?!? Boy howdy! Ok, ok, let’s do this. Here’s my cover your hair and eyes hot taeks for this Wednesday DK slate…

New to DraftKings? Well reserve your spot in the 25 Team Razzball Exclusive League set to run Monday July 4th to wet your DK whistle. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. It’s how we know you care! Wanna know what the best part is about signing up with us? The free subscription for the rest of the season to our DFSBot, that’s what! For details on the how to, please visit our Razzball Subscriptions page.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Yesterday, Brian Dozier went 3-for-4, 4 RBIs with two homers (11, 12).  Dozier’s quietly had a great June (7 HRs, near-.350), after having a miserable May (2 HRs, .215) and an atrocious April (3 HRs, .191).  Who knows what July holds?  Which sounds like the title for a piece of art done by Daniel Johnston.  Let’s see, Daniel Johnston describing Dozier.  “June is Fun!  Fun!  Fun!  If I ever thought I could be happy, it was from Dozier.  Fun!  Fun!  Fun!  Oh!  That rock and roll!  It saves my soul!  Owning Dozier in June, it must’ve been a happy time, Kool Aid flowing like wine, the bubble gum, forever-ever-ever-ever-ever-ever after!  Now I will get on a random bus in Austin and ride to New Mexico.”  Oh, Daniel Johnston, you were taken from us way too soon.  *sees he’s still alive*  Okay, moving on.  So, Dozier has turned his season around and is close to the same pace as his previous season stats (28 HRs, 12 SBs).  Moreover, Dozier has cut his Ks by a lot, so he could hit for a better average this year (.250 vs. .235).  Daniel Johnston might be onto something.  About fun, fun fun not about getting on random buses.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

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It feels like only yesterday J.D. Martinez injured himself, and it was yesterday if you were roofied.  In his place, Steven Moya is filling in admirably.  Yesterday, he went Yardo Montalban as he Tattooed the ball two times.  Da plane, da plane…is flying right next to Moya’s homers!  My dear guests!  I am Mr. Albright, your host.  Welcome… to Fantasy Baseball!  Smiles, everyone, smiles!  No, seriously, smile, you paid a lot of money for those caps.  Moya now has three homers in his last three games, and if baseball is a game of inches, Moya’s got a lot of ’em.  79 inches to be exact.  Not saying he’s John Holmes, he’s six-seven and looks like an easy 35-homer hitter.  I watched him hit a ball the other way and he was like, “Yeah, okay, I guess I’ll hit this one out.”  He looks like the kind of guy that could twelve homers in a month.  If you’re power-starved, or just bored and wanna pick up a new player, I’d grab Moya.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Evidently, Corey Kluber made some sort of promise to the city of Cleveland too, and not just to Kl-Uber Drew Carey home any time he sees him drunk-wandering in downtown Cleveland.  Yesterday, Kluber went 9 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks, lowering his ERA at 3.59.  So, I’m going to get completely unscientific, then scientific, then mix the two, Grey says sounding like Don Herbert. (If you knew who Don Herbert was, you are old and a nerd.)  Unscientifically, Kluber will have an ERA around 3.60 this year.  He’ll throw a gem, get the ERA down to 3.40, then throw a stinker and the ERA will rise.  It will go on like this all year, because that’s what he’s done so far.  Then he will figure out if he drops his arm angle a little, due to the earth being flat, it will add more spin and he’ll have an ERA under zero in September.  Again, that was unscientific.  Scientifically, his peripherals looks as good as any previous year.  His velocity is a notch off previous seasons, but his 9 K-rate, 1.9 BB/9 and 3.27 xFIP are excellent.  So, he should be better than he has been, and could end up with a 3.20 ERA with 250 Ks.  Now, to mix the two methods, Kluber will match his 3.27 xFIP, and on off days, picket Phil Collins’ house with Carl Everett, with a sign reading, “The Book of Genesis Doesn’t Have Liner Notes.”  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

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Quick, who’s the hottest hitter over the last 15 days?  Amazingly, that would be Jonathan Villar.  I drafted him very late in my RCL to be my MI for SAGNOF and amazingly, he’s well on his way to being an All-Star.  Now, the Brewers have Orlando Arcia on the cusp of being major-league ready at SS.  What will they do?  It’s hard to say at this point but that, among other things, have been discussed on Razzball in Week 9.  Here’s a look at everything posted on the website over the last week:

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Archie Bradley pitched six innings of four hit ball Friday night against the Cubs, allowing one run, walking three and striking out ten. Archie has been a highly touted prospect for a while, but hasn’t really been able to put it all together, until now, dot dot dot, question mark? But the real question mark here–Betty or Veronica? I was always a Ronnie guy, because I am a masochist and I prefer a woman who hates my guts. Regardless, after struggling in spot starts in April and early May (2 GS, 10.1 IP, 14 hits, 9 ER, 7 BB, 6 K), and holding a plus-6 ERA in 10 career major league starts, Archie has returned to the bigs in a big way. In two starts since being recalled, Bradley holds a 2.70 ERA and 0.90 WHIP in 13.1 innings, with a 19/4 K/BB ratio that will make your fantasy team real happy happy. Slightly more impressive when you consider yesterday’s start was on the road against a fearsome Chicago line up. I was gonna stream him, but then I was like, “nah.” That was a mistake. I won’t doubt you again, Archie. Bradley was rocking a 1.99 ERA, 1.08 WHIP with 47 strikeouts in 7 starts at AAA Reno this season, so it’s clear he’s ready for the next level. I would grab Bradley in all leagues where he’s available. Grey told you to BUY and he gets a cushy match up with the Rays next week. Don’t be a Jughead, grab Archie!

Here’s what else I saw in fantasy baseball Friday night:

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You wanna know frustration?  Of course, you do.  You play fantasy baseball!  We’ve chosen a hobby that is the least relaxing hobby possible.  May as well have a hobby of picking cheese off mousetraps.  If the mousetrap doesn’t smash your finger, you win.  What do you win?  A virtual trophy!  Oh, and bragging rights.  Awesome!  Okay, wanna really know frustration?  Wait to see how Dusty uses Trea Turner upon his call-up.  This is gonna be so fun!  Will Lloyd’s of London insure the ulcers of all Trea Turner owners?  Yesterday, he was called up to replace Ryan Zimmerman, who went on paternity leave.  So, unless Zimmerman’s wife takes as long as he does to get hot, I’m assuming Zimmerman will be back in three days tops.  At that point, Turner will stay with the club and play, stay and get benched or get demoted again.  If he stays with the club, do you think Dusty is going to play him over Espinosa?  Well, he could.  I guess.  “So, how do you play this mousetrap game again?”  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Vegas is approximately a 4 1/2 hour drive from where I live. The drive there is always fun, unless you leave on a Friday night and it seems like all 3.884 million inhabitants of Los Angeles are headed that way as well. Regardless, even with the traffic, the anticipation and excitement are at a fervent level in the beginning. You feel lucky. You’ve got your strategy down. You are going to come back a winner. Then you get there and reality sets in. For some it’s great. For the rest, Vegas would like to thank you for paying for the lights, wages, profits, etc…The ride back is either the Drive of Shame, the longest freaking journey in the history of mankind that has you screaming Are We There Yet? or you are floating on a magic carpet ride and it’s a Whole New World. We are entering that phase of the fantasy baseball season when some owners will start wondering when the fantasy football season starts, while others will be giddy with excitement at their place in the standings. I’m here to say that there’s a ton of baseball to be played. Don’t get too excited if you are on top and don’t give up hope… at least not yet.

In this weekly column, I will highlight some lower-owned players that performed well over the past week (5/22 – 5/28). If I think they can help your fantasy team, Obama will make it rain. If I do not, then they get a whammy. If you are not familiar with whammies, check out old episodes of the game show Press Your Luck.

Please, blog, may I have some more?