Fantasy Baseball Advice

Ryan Madson hit the DL and some Bastardo took over, Broxton is a bastardo and Guerra is getting saves since Kuo can’t watch Lifetime without crying — assuming there are Dodger saves, Rauch was named the closer and Frank² started getting all the saves, Lyon is out for the season and Melancon looks terrible, La Russa changed closers three times since you started reading this run-on sentence, Jordan Walden has been taking pointers from Fernando Rodney and Kevin Gregg actually moved up the ranks.  Brain Freezes, your saves are cheap, but your headaches are senseless.  Anyway, here’s all of the closers for your fantasy baseball team, as of right now:

$12 Salads

You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad? Every time you go there, you have a thoroughly solid meal. No complaints, except you just paid $12 for a salad when you could’ve went to McDonald’s and stuffed you and your woman for ten schmools and had $2 in quarters left over to make the hotel bed vibrate. These closers are $12 salads.

1. Mariano Rivera (+3) (David Robertson, Luis Ayala)
2. Jose Valverde (+3) (Joaquin Benoit, Al Alburquerque)
3. Carlos Marmol (-2) (Sean Marshall)
4. Jonathan Papelbon (-2) (Daniel Bard)
5. Heath Bell (-1) (Mike Adams, Ernesto Frieri)

Donkeycorns

Imagine you’re following a donkey, who’s wearing a wool cap, through a desert for 1700 miles. Why are you following a donkey? Because he promises you something wonderful and you just need to trust him. Does the donkey talk? Yes. Yes, he does talk. So when you and the donkey in the wool cap arrive at his destination, he removes his the wool cap to reveal a horn. The donkey is a unicorn and his gift to you for your trust is saves. These closers are Donkeycorns.

6. Brian Wilson (+5) (Sergio Romo, Jeremy Affeldt)
7. Joel Hanrahan (+8) (Jose Veras, Chris Resop)
8. Chris Perez (+1) (Vinnie Pestano, Tony Sipp, Rafael Perez)
9. Francisco Cordero (+3) (Nick Masset)
10. Huston Street (Matt Lindstrom, Rafael Betancourt)
11. Craig Kimbrel (-5) (Jonny Venters, George Sherrill)
12. John Axford (+1) (Kameron Loe)
13. Leo Nunez (+1) (Steve Cishek, Mike Dunn)
14. Francisco Rodriguez (-6) (Jason Isringhausen, Pedro Beato)
15. J.J. Putz (-8) (David Hernandez)
16. Drew Storen (+2) (Tyler Clippard, Sean Burnett)
17. Kyle Farnsworth (-1) (Joel Peralta, J.P.Howell)
18. Andrew Bailey (+5) (Brian Fuentes, Grant Balfour)
19. Sergio Santos (Matt Thornton, Chris Sale, Jesse Crain)
20. Joakim Soria (+10) (Aaron Crow)
21. Neftali Feliz (-1) (Darren Oliver, Arthur Rhodes)

Brain Freeze

I’m going on a picnic and I’m bringing apples, bananas and Kevin Gregg– Wait, he just gave up 12 earned runs and hit Brian Roberts in the head with a pickoff throw. Brain freeze! Make it stop! Use the following closers at your own risk.

22. Matt Capps (+5) (Joe Nathan, Jose Mijares, Alex Burnett)
23. Kevin Gregg (+2) (Koji Uehara, Mike Gonzalez)
24. Brandon League (+2) (Jamey Wright, David Pauley)
25. Jordan Walden (-4) (Scott Downs)
26. Fernando Salas (-4) (Jason Motte, Mitchell Boggs, Eduardo Sanchez)
27. Mark Melancon (-3) (Wilton Lopez)
28. Frank Francisco (Jon Rauch, Octavio Dotel, Jason Frasor)
29. Javy Guerra (Hong-Chih Kuo, Kenley Jansen)
30. Antonio Bastardo (-12) (Ryan Madson, Michael Stutes, Brad Lidge, Battery Throwing Fan)

The questions have started about Heath Bell getting traded.  I think there’s a good chance it happens.  Well, Hair Lip, there goes his value! Not so fast, random italicized voice.  I guess you have all the answers! Actually, I have questions.  What if he’s traded to the Cards or Angels?  What if Huston Street gets hurt and the Rockies grab Bell?  What if the Mariners gain a few games on the Rangers and become buyers?  What if your boss replaces you with a coyote that was raised by humans and can flip burgers better than you?  Do you see what I’m saying here?  Don’t sell Bell short because of trade rumors.  Lots of things can happen. Anyway, here’s all of the closers for your fantasy baseball team, as of right now:

$12 Salads

You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad? Every time you go there, you have a thoroughly solid meal. No complaints, except you just paid $12 for a salad when you could’ve went to McDonald’s and stuffed you and your woman for ten schmools and had $2 in quarters left over to make the hotel bed vibrate. These closers are $12 salads.

1. Carlos Marmol (+1) (Kerry Wood, Sean Marshall)
2. Jonathan Papelbon (+2) (Daniel Bard)
3. Heath Bell (-2) (Mike Adams, Luke Gregerson, Chad Qualls)
4. Mariano Rivera (-1) (Joba Chamberlain, David Robertson)

Donkeycorns

Imagine you’re following a donkey, who’s wearing a wool cap, through a desert for 1700 miles. Why are you following a donkey? Because he promises you something wonderful and you just need to trust him. Does the donkey talk? Yes. Yes, he does talk. So when you and the donkey in the wool cap arrive at his destination, he removes his the wool cap to reveal a horn. The donkey is a unicorn and his gift to you for your trust is saves. These closers are Donkeycorns.

5. Jose Valverde (Joaquin Benoit, Al Alburquerque)
6. Craig Kimbrel (+1) (Jonny Venters, George Sherrill)
7. J.J. Putz (+1) (David Hernandez, Juan Gutierrez)
8. Francisco Rodriguez (+1) (Jason Isringhausen, Bobby Parnell)
9. Chris Perez (+1) (Tony Sipp, Chad Durbin, Rafael Perez)
10. Huston Street (+1) (Matt Lindstrom, Rafael Betancourt)
11. Brian Wilson (Sergio Romo, Jeremy Affeldt)
12. Francisco Cordero (+1) (Nick Masset)
13. John Axford (+1) (Kameron Loe)
14. Leo Nunez (+1) (Clay Hensley, Edward Mujica)
15. Joel Hanrahan (+1) (Jose Veras, Evan Meek)
16. Kyle Farnsworth (+5) (Joel Peralta, J.P.Howell)
17. Drew Storen (Tyler Clippard, Sean Burnett)
18. Ryan Madson (+10) (Jose Contreras, Antonio Bastardo, Brad Lidge)
19. Sergio Santos (+9) (Chris Sale, Jesse Crain, Matt Thornton)

Brain Freeze

I’m going on a picnic and I’m bringing apples, bananas and Kevin Gregg– Wait, he just gave up 12 earned runs and hit Brian Roberts in the head with a pickoff throw. Brain freeze! Make it stop! Use the following closers at your own risk.

20. Neftali Feliz (+10) (Darren Oliver, Arthur Rhodes)
21. Jordan Walden (-3) (Fernando Rodney, Scott Downs)
22. Fernando Salas (+4) (Eduardo Sanchez, Jason Motte, Ryan Franklin)
23. Andrew Bailey (+1) (Brian Fuentes, Grant Balfour)
24. Mark Melancon (-4) (Wilton Lopez, Brandon Lyon)
25. Kevin Gregg (-3) (Koji Uehara, Mike Gonzalez)
26. Brandon League (-3) (Jamey Wright, David Aardsma)
27. Matt Capps (-3) (Jose Mijares, Alex Burnett, Joe Nathan)
28. Frank Francisco/Jon Rauch/Octavio Dotel (-3) (Jason Frasor)
29. Matt Guerrier/Javy Guerra/Rubby de la Rosa (-2) (Jonathan Broxton, Hong-Chih Kuo)
30. Aaron Crow (-25) (Joakim Soria, The Winner of a Radio Call-In Contest)

Joe Nathan and Huston Street are gone and everyone moved up.  That’s why people like Matt Capps and Chris Perez have done little but squat on the john yet moved up the rankings.  Though I still managed to find a way to not move up Brian Fuentes.  The way we’re going there won’t be any $12 Salads by May.  Then what?  $8 Side Dishes?  Who needs roasted cauliflower with truffle oil?  Not me!  I’m happy with a baked potato.  Yes, sir!  Hmm… Maybe I shouldn’t write these right before lunch.  Anyway, here’s all of the closers for your fantasy baseball team, as of right now:

$12 Salads

You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad? Every time you go there, you have a thoroughly solid meal. No complaints, except you just paid $12 for a salad when you could’ve went to McDonald’s and stuffed you and your woman for ten schmools and had $2 in quarters left over to make the hotel bed vibrate. These closers are $12 salads.

1. Jonathan Papelbon (+1) (Hideki Okajima, Daniel Bard)
2. Mariano Rivera (+1) (Alfredo Aceves, David Robertson, Joba Chamberlain)
3. Jonathan Broxton (+1) (George Sherrill, Ramon Troncoso, Hong-Chih Kuo)

Donkeycorns

Imagine you’re following a donkey, who’s wearing a wool cap, through a desert for 1700 miles. Why are you following a donkey? Because he promises you something wonderful and you just need to trust him. Does the donkey talk? Yes. Yes, he does talk. So when you and the donkey in the wool cap arrive at his destination, he removes his the wool cap to reveal a horn. The donkey is a unicorn and his gift to you for your trust is saves. These closers are Donkeycorns.

4. Francisco Rodriguez (+1) (Ryota Igareshi, Jenrry Mejia, Eddie Kunz)
5. Heath Bell (+1) (Mike Adams, Luke Gregerson)
6. Carlos Marmol (+1) (John Grabow, Esmailin Caridad)
7. Joakim Soria (+1) (Juan Cruz, Roman Colon, Kyle Farnsworth)
8. Jose Valverde (+1) (Joel Zumaya, Ryan Perry)
9. David Aardsma (+1) (Mark Lowe, Brandon League)
10. Brian Wilson (+1) (Jeremy Affeldt, Sergio Romo)
11. Francisco Cordero (+1) (Arthur Rhodes, Nick Masset, Jared Burton)
12. Rafael Soriano (+2) (Dan Wheeler, Grant Balfour, J.P. Howell)
13. Billy Wagner (+2) (Takashi Saito, Kris Medlen)
14. Ryan Franklin (+4) (Jason Motte, Josh Kinney)
15. Mike Gonzalez (+7) (Jim Johnson, Cla Meredith)
16. Brian Fuentes (Fernando Rodney, Kevin Jepsen, Scot Shields)
17. Frank Francisco (+3) (Darren O’Day, Chris Ray, Neftali Feliz)
18. Octavio Dotel (+1) (Brendan Donnelly, Joel Hanrahan)
19. Leo Nunez (+1) (Dan Meyer, Brian Sanches)
20. Trevor Hoffman (+3) (Todd Coffey, LaTroy Hawkins)
21. Andrew Bailey (-4) (Michael Wuertz, Brad Ziegler, Joey Devine)

Brain Freeze

I’m going on a picnic and I’m bringing apples, bananas and Matt Capps– Wait, he just gave up 12 earned runs and hit Zimmerman in the head with a pickoff throw. Brain freeze! Make it stop! Use the following closers at your own risk.

22. Bobby Jenks (+3) (Matt Thornton, J.J. Putz)
23. Chad Qualls (+4) (Juan Gutierrez, Bob Howry)
24. Matt Capps (+2) (Brian Bruney, Tyler Clippard, Mike MacDougal)
25. Jason Frasor (+5) (Kevin Gregg, Scott Downs)
26. Chris Perez (+1) (Rafael Perez, Tony Sipp, Kerry Wood)
27. Jon Rauch/Matt Guerrier (-26) Jose Mijares, Francisco Liriano)
28. Franklin Morales (-15) (Manny Corpas, Rafael Betancourt, Huston Street)
29. Ryan Madson (-4) (Danys Baez, Brad Lidge)
30. Matt Lindstrom/Brandon Lyon (-1) (Sammy Gervacio, Ed Wade’s Toupee)

What’s quirkier than a relief pitcher? I’ll tell you what: a stubborn 3-legged beagle. Success as a set-up reliever is so overlooked in real life baseball as well as fake life baseball. These guys are weird; they have crazy superstitions, wear bass-ackwards numbers, and have their own theme music. I want a song for every time I’m introduced that makes no sense. I get that numbers dictate who throws where (success rate vs. batter, lefty/righty and workload), but these are the guys that the managers trust to “save” the game for their team in the 6-8th innings. There is no set rule for drafting MRs (umm… last?). The best advice I can give is to pay attention to trends with managers (La Russa, Torre, Black and Gardenhire are very models of modern major middle reliever Generals). Now, will failing to win Holds ruin your fantasy season if your league uses it? Probably not, but don’t go all Ray Guy — these guys still contribute vital fantasy numbers, decent ratios and K’s. I love Ks, kids scream for them, Al Gore says he invented them. Here is a list of middle men for your fantasy baseball team who will be a decent source for holds and other peripherals. Included, you’ll find a theme song for each guy (what they actually warm up to or what I think they should).

(This week, American league. Next Thursday, NL.)

Matt Guerrier – Last year’s leader in Holds and co-winner of the Arthur Rhodes trophy. Appearances were way up last year; bullpen is way deeper this year. Two to three guys from Minnesota could be top 10 in Holds this year. See next middle man. “Leader of the Pack” Shangri-Las

Jon Rauch – Minnesota –> best bullpen in the league for my money. Rauch is also very tall and a good sleeper for rebounds. “Tall Drink of Water” Barbara Mandrell

Pat Neshek – See previous 2 entries. Love this guy, funky delivery — great against lefties. Year back from TJ surgery. Previous Gardenhire favorite. “Living on a Prayer” Bon Jovi

Jose Mijares – The lefty that gets lost in the group of RH monsters. Completes this dominant setup in front Nathan. “Macarena” Los Del Rio

Jim Johnson – Getting some love as a sleeper for saves; young rotation could let him see a lot of leads. Needs to work on location to be effective. “Closer” Nine Inch Nails

Michael Wuertz – Helped a ton of fantasy teams last year that didn’t count Holds. Awesome ratios and source of K’s. “Safety Dance” Men without Hats

Brad Zeigler – Had a closer’s gig, got injured, Bailey steps in and called him Wally Pipp. Funky delivery — absolutely filthy when healthy. “Walk this Way” Run DMC

Daniel Bard – Flame thrower. Great for K’s. Will be Francona’s RH “big dig” to Papelbon. Great dynasty guy for future. “Next in Line” Children of Bodom

Hideki Okajima – Guy doesn’t even need to look where he is throwing — he is that good. The Zakim bridge for Boston bullpen. Anything would be better than his current theme song.  Look it up.

Brandon League – Finally out of the AL Beast. Seattle is going to win 90 plus. Has nasty pitches, and how can you not like a guy who has both arms “sleeved” up?  “Bulls on Parade” Rage Against the Machine

Mark Lowe – Seattle pen is shaping up as long as Aardsma can repeat. Great ratios, high K promise. He teams with League (above) to form — you guessed it “Sweet n Lowe.” “Ah Sugar” The Archies

Matt Thornton – Filthy lefty with great control. Will be an Ozzie fav out of the pen or on his new Twitter account. “Panama” Van Halen

J.J. Putz – Former closer. May get a chance if Jenks falls off the wagon, again. Elbow issues hopefully behind him. “Thunderstruck” AC/DC

Bobby Seay – Lefty specialist. Tons of one and done appearances. Detroit has sleeper potential type bullpen with Seay, the Guitar Hero, and the son of Journey front man, Steve Perry. “Hypnotize” Notorious B.I.G

Jason Bulger – Equally effective against R/L. Anaheim closer situation may be in flux by May. Could give a Guerrier from ‘09 performance. “Californua Love” Tupac

JP Howell – Thurston’s love child. Very steady last year. Now has a semi-proven closer. Could sure up TB pen. Theme from “Gilligan’s Island”

Dan Wheeler – RH compliment to Howell; will set up Soriano nicely. A veteran presence that is used to pitching with game on the line. “Stiff Upper Lip” AC/DC

Damaso Marte – Lefty in front of the GOAT. Will be Girardi’s “Coke” substitute (and I’m not talking about the white pony). “Mambo Number 5” Lou Bega

David Robertson – Last year’s leader in K/9. Unheralded and shined in playoffs. Will lose some gleam from the Hughes/Joba loser. “Sweet Home Alabama” Skynyrd

Juan Cruz – Great hype entering last year in this role. Injury slowed him; great K potential. Forms a formidable RP core in KC with Rosa in front of Soria. “Eres Tu” Calderon

Others to consider: Scott Downs, Jason Frasor, Kevin Gregg TOR. Darren O’Day, Chris Ray TEX. Chan Ho Park NYY. Jensen Lewis, Rafael Perez, Jess Todd CLE. Fernando Rodney, Kevin Jepsen ANA

It’s good to be past the trading deadline.  The closers that kept their job feel woobie-safe.  Pull down the Murphy bed, Qualls is here to stay! You might be right, random italicized voice.  Don’t forget, closers still find a way to lose their job.  In the past week, Downs is down, Jenks looks jenky, Frank-Frank is a baby sneeze away from another stint on the DL, I fully expect Lindstrom to get back in the closer picture within two weeks and Nathan seems about as safe as they come and yet, he’s still just a closer.  Look at the ground with your forward facing eyes and put some drops in the eyes in the back of your head.  In other words, don’t settle in.  Sleep is the cousin of death.  Anyway, here’s all of the closers for your fantasy baseball team, as of right now:

$12 Salads

You know that restaurant your girlfriend/wife/what-have-you likes to go to that charges, like, $12 for a salad? Every time you go there, you have a thoroughly solid meal. No complaints, except you just paid $12 for a salad when you could’ve went to McDonald’s and stuffed you and your woman for ten schmools and had $2 in quarters left over to make the hotel bed vibrate. These closers are $12 salads.

1. Joe Nathan (+1) (Matt Guerrier, Jose Mijares)
2. Jonathan Papelbon (+2) (Takashi Saito, Hideki Okajima, Manny Delcarmen)
3. Francisco Rodriguez (-1) (Pedro Feliciano, Bobby Parnell)
4. Mariano Rivera (+2) (Phil Hughes)
5. Jonathan Broxton (-4) (Ramon Troncoso, George Sherrill)

Donkey-corns

Imagine you’re following a donkey, who’s wearing a wool cap, through a desert for 1700 miles. Why are you following a donkey? Because he promises you something wonderful and you just need to trust him. Does the donkey talk? Yes. Yes, he does talk. So when you and the donkey in the wool cap arrive at his destination, he removes his the wool cap to reveal a horn. The donkey is a unicorn and his gift to you for your trust is saves. These closers are Donkey-corns.

6. Heath Bell (-1) (Luke Gregerson, Mike Adams)
7. Joakim Soria (+14) (Juan Cruz, Jamey Wright)
8. Francisco Cordero (David Weathers, Arthur Rhodes, Nick Masset)
9. Jose Valverde (+11) (Chris Sampson, Alberto Arias, LaTroy Hawkins)
10. Ryan Franklin (Jason Motte, Kyle McClellan, Dennys Reyes)
11. Huston Street (+2) (Rafael Betancourt, Matt Daley)
12. David Aardsma (Sean White, Mark Lowe)
13. Brian Wilson (Jeremy Affeldt, Bob Howry)
14. Trevor Hoffman (+9) (Todd Coffey, Mitch Stetter)
15. Kevin Gregg (Carlos Marmol)
16. Fernando Rodney (Bobby Seay, Brandon Lyon)
17. Rafael Soriano (+2) (Mike Gonzalez, Peter Moylan)
18. J.P. Howell (+4) (Dan Wheeler, Grant Balfour, Joe Nelson)
19. Brian Fuentes (-10) (Jason Bulger, Darren Oliver, Justin Speier)
20. Chad Qualls (+8) (Jon Rauch)
21. Brad Lidge (-3) (Ryan Madson)

Brain Freeze

I’m going on a picnic and I’m bringing apples, bananas and Troy Percival– Wait, he just gave up 12 earned runs and hit Pena in the head with a pickoff throw. Brain freeze! Make it stop! Use the following closers at your own risk.

22. Matt Capps (+4) (Jesse Chavez)
23. Kerry Wood (+2) (Chris Perez, Joe Smith)
24. Mike MacDougal (+5) (Sean Burnett, Jason Bergmann)
25. Andrew Bailey (-12) (Michael Wuertz, Brad Ziegler)
26. Frank Francisco/C.J. Wilson (-2) (Darren O’Day)
27. Bobby Jenks (-10) (Matt Thornton, Octavio Dotel, Scott Linebrink)
28. Jason Frasor (-2) (Scott Downs, Brandon League)
29. Leo Nunez (Matt Lindstrom, Kiko Calero, Dan Meyer)
30. Jim Johnson (-11) (Danys Baez, Chris Ray, Billy Ray Valentine)