Fantasy Baseball Advice

Kila Ka’aihue went 3-for-3, 4 Runs, 4 RBIs and 2 homers.  Also, he just missed a third homer that ended up a triple.  Mauna Kila!  He hasn’t hit for much average so far in the major leagues.  Or is it ma’ajor leagues?  His plate discipline is in impeccable and the peasant Royals would be wise to give him a starting job next spring, which could make him a sleeper for 2011 fantasy baseball.  But you put the wise moves the Royals make in one hand and the stupid moves in the other hand and you’ll need the empty hand that was supposed to hold the wise moves to help hold up the stupid moves hand.  Then have someone else move everything off the counter so there’s room to balance the weight of both hands that have become stupid move hands.  Then get some Lysol because it smells like rancid onions.  Oh, and Kila has another homer in the last week and is worth playing in the final week if you’ve lost some other players.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Josh Fields – Now 4 for his last 8 with 2 homers.  It must be ‘games don’t matter’ time, because the Royals look terrific.  Fields is worth a flier if you’re looking for a hot bat.

Jarrod Dyson – Promise this is the last Royal I’ll talk about.  Dyson is 1 for his last 23.  So why is it I own him on multiple teams?  Cause he also has 4 steals in that time.  SAGNOF!

Eric Young Jr. – With a bad case of the shins, Young’s done for the year and left wincing the night away.

Melvin Mora – 2-for-4 with a bunch of multiple hit games in the last week.  Yes, that’s all the optimism I can manage.  He’s hitting, what do you want?  (BTW, Nice job by the Colorado Chokies.  You can’t beat the Dodgers?  Really?  That’s pretty pathetic.)

Casey Blake – 2-for-5, 2 homers.  Yes, every borderline corner infidel is hot this week.  Thanks for asking.

Kenley Jansen – Got his 2nd save this week, but Kuo’s still the closer.  What I think is going on is Torre’s trying to burn out as many bullpen arms as he can in his final week for old times’ sake.

Adam Wainwright – La Russa, wearing a shirt made of veggie burgers, announced Wainwright’s done for the year.

Martin Prado – Also, done for the year.  He said this will give him more time to catch up on the episodes of I Love Money that he missed.  Hope he’s not too disappointed with the early elimination of 20 Pack.

Miguel Cabrera – Sounds like he’s done too.  No official word, but if you’re reading Leyland’s smoke signals, that’s what’s being said.

Carlos Beltran – Left the game with knee discomfort.  Wouldn’t surprise me if he were done for the year.  Don’t worry, Mets fans, Minaya’s working on a trade of Beltran’s knee for Chipper Jones’ lower back.

Randy Wolf – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks.  He’ll get the Reds in the last game of the season, which should be an absolute walk as I’m sure Dusty will sit everyone.  Hmm… That was weird.  I was thinking like Dusty Baker and I suddenly wanted to chew a toothpick and throw Harang for 175 pitches.

Edinson Volquez – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Solid start, but this isn’t about that.  His next start (if there is one) will be the last game and, as previously mentioned, the Reds are going to be playing the game like an split squad spring training game.  I wouldn’t start Volquez in most leagues.

David Price – 8 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Wouldn’t be surprised if this is the last game of the season for Price.  Sorry, Price owners, would mean no Sunday vs. the Royals and Sean O’Sullied.  If he does start, Price may only go a few innings to stay fresh.

CC Sabathia – 8 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks as he further confused Joe Morgan and how he’s not a landslide Cy Young winner.  Someone give Joe one of those water dunking birds to stare at.

Travis Snider – 2-for-4 with his third homer in the last week while he bats near .350.  Almost making Cito look good for batting Snider leadoff… Well, no, Snider leading off still looks silly, but he is hitting.

Mat Latos – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks.  I appreciate his efforts to bring his value down for next year’s drafts.  The real shame is the Padres might’ve overworked Latos to the point where he could be a mess next year and they might not make the playoffs either.

Carlos Pena – 1-for-2 with his 28th homer.  It almost goes without saying if he got a hit, it must’ve been a homer.  He doesn’t do those other kinds of hits.  Now Pena only needs 11 more homers to get to my preseason projection.  Get cracking!

Anibal Sanchez – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Anibal gets the Pirates in the last start of the year.  I’d throw him (her?) there.

Ryan Braun – Scratched with a stomach flu.  I’m not accusing anyone, but my H2H opponent poisoned Braun’s oatmeal so I couldn’t play him.  Okay, I am accusing someone.

Nick Blackburn – 4 1/3 IP, 8 ER.  As I said last week, “Blackburn has around a 3.5 K/9.  To use the parlance of Johnnie Cochran, that’s egregious.  That’s an inning for Carlos Marmol.  Blackburn gets more bat contact than a wannabe-WAG.  When Twins fans go to a Nick Blackburn start, they bring so few K signs that they look racist.”  And that’s me quoting me!  Since there’s no Ks, it’s than but no thans for Blacburn’s last start.

Kelly Johnson – 2-for-3 with his 7th homer in September, after hitting 9 homers in April.  Someone likes the change of seasons.

Ryan Dempster – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Gets the Astros for his final game of the season, which isn’t a bad start to go out on.

Alfonso Soriano – Hit his 23rd and 24th homers last night.  He might be having the worst 24 homer season in the history of baseball.  67 Runs?  Blech.  78 RBIs?  Belch.  5 steals?  Whatever.  .257 average?  Al-So’s so-so.

Jimmy Rollins – Returned to the lineup and went 1-for-3.  It’s the last week of the season, forget name value.  There’s probably a dozen guys more valuable for this last week.

Jose Contreras – Gave up a run and lost the game to the Nats.  It’s the curse of being on the cover of the AARP Magazine.

Adam Dunn – Hit his 38th homer yesterday.  The Nats have four more games for Dunn to hit two more homers or the world will explode.

Justin Smoak – Last roundup, I said, “I’d give Smoak a go for his last two games in Texas.”  Yesterday, he hit another homer.  Right now, there’s a fire burning under Smoak.

Felix Hernandez – 8 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks to move to 13-12 on the year with a 2.27 ERA.  Says he’ll pitch on Sunday so he has one more start for the M’s offense to abandon him and let him get back to .500.  I will now bludgeon Jose Lopez with Chone Figgins’ arm.

Jose Lopez – Left the game with a dislocated middle finger.  I’m sure anyone that drafted Lopez can locate a middle finger for him.

Give that dog a bone!  Wait, what?  Yesterday, Nick Blackburn went 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Usually after a team clinches their division, they wake up like it’s Ash Wednesday and they were on Bourbon Street for Fat Tuesday.  Not dem Twinkies, I tell ya! (Well, who else is telling you?  Am I right?  Or am I right right?)  Even with their B lineup, they made the Indians look C.  (Hehe, I said looksie!  Twice now.)  Blackburn was in last week’s borderline starter post twice (a new one comes this afternoon) and he hasn’t had a bad start since July.  You know what you should do with Blackburn?  Powder him in sugar and dunk him in my coffee? Are you drunk, random italicized voice?  *lowers eyes*  No. You should grab him for his next start vs. the Royals, but my enthusiasm for Blackburn doesn’t run deep if you can fathom that.  (pun point!)  Blackburn has around a 3.5 K/9.  To use the parlance of Johnnie Cochran, that’s egregious.  That’s an inning for Carlos Marmol.  Blackburn gets more bat contact than a wannabe-WAG.  When Twins fans go to a Nick Blackburn start, they bring so few K signs that they look racist.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Hanley Ramirez – Sat out yesterday as Hanley wasn’t feeling very manly.  You know what makes me feel manly?  Rubbing banana pudding on my chest and running through the zoo.  The Marlins are hinting Hanley’s gonna be shutdown for the year.  I’ve been hinting that for the last three days.

Carlos Carrasco – 6 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Hasn’t had one bad start since his recall and gets the Tigers next.

Juan Pierre – 2-for-3 and his 60th steal.  I am the King of SAGNOF!  Now get me my mead!  And maybe a crumpet.

Chris Carter – 1-for-3 with his first major league homer.  Oh, it’s on!  Or at least it will be in the offseason when I pimp this guy out with my fantasy bedazzler.

Brett Anderson – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 1 K.  The injuries helped bring his value back to earth for next year’s draft.  It’ll be a nice buy opportunity or my name isn’t Grey “Left Eye” Albright.

Brad Ziegler – Blew the save but that was because Breslow has been used the last few days and Wuertz’ thumb huertz.

Sean Burnett – Got the save as Storen was either out with ‘he threw on Tuesday’ or ‘he wasn’t good on Tuesday or Sunday.’  One’s good, two’s not, three’s company.

Danny Espinosa – 2-for-4 with his 5th homer.  In his short career, he’s had more ups and downs than Mattingly and Morganna in the summer of ’85.  As pointed out whenever that was I pointed it out, Espinosa K’d a lot in the minors and that makes for a hitter that’s streaky like Bret Boone’s hair.

Michael Morse – 1-for-3 with his 2 homer in 4 days.  It’s like the Nats grow Josh Willinghams in the outfield.

Adam Dunn – Left the game after being hit on the elbow by a pitch.  He said it was the “most pain I’ve ever had in baseball.  Even more than that time I slide into home with four cheesesteaks in my back pocket.  Actually that was awesome.”  Dunn said he should be good by tomorrow.

Roy Oswalt – 7 IP, 0 ER, 1 Hit, 1 Walk, 8 Ks, No Win.  Bleeping motherbleeper!

Max Scherzer – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks.  I’m not sure yet where he’s going to be drafted next year, but I’m taking a ticket and getting in line.

Ryan Raburn – 2-for-3, hitting over .300 in the last week with 2 homers.  2 more starts at 2nd base and he gets eligibility there for next year.  Somebody kidnap Will Rhymes for two days.  Please and thank you.

Pedro Alvarez – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs.  So far in his career, he’s only hit one homer that wasn’t followed by several more.  It’s a shot in the dark, but Alvarez might be a big play for the next week.

Carlos Beltran – 3-for-5 and his 5th homer.  I doubt I touch him even next year.  Metco, aging guy who was adding value with speed that is now declining and injury-prone.  Belchtran.

Jose Lopez – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and 3 homers.  Nice of you to show up one game this year.

Randy Wells – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks vs. the Giants.  I was thinking this might be a decent start, but Wells has been all over the map this year, so it’s tough to recommend him. With that said, i.e., here comes the opposite, he goes to Petco in his next start, then gets the Astros.

Joey Votto – Out of the lineup again with a sinus infection.  Who is he, Felix Unger?

Johnny Cueto – 1 1/3 IP, 8 ER.  That one’s for LaRue.

Prince Fielder – Brewers scored 13 runs and Fielder went 0-for-2 with one run and RBI.  Ticker tease!  Though it’s been like a ticker season.

Dan Johnson – 1-for-4 with his 4th homer in the last week.  Can he stay hot for another week plus?  Can a pig fly?  Yes, with a catapult.  Guess what I’m saying is it’s possible and worth a shot.

Evan Longoria – 2-for-4 with his 22nd homer to go along with 15 steals.  Wait, I know that impression!  It’s David Wright.  Pretty sad when the big power guys in the league have 22 homers and 15 steals.  Did they start testing for HGH and no one told me?

Carlos Pena – Sounds like he might get some extended rest heading into the ‘offs.  Back date this to the last time he was hot, which was like 3 months ago.

Stephen Drew – 1-for-3 with the always tasty slam & legs.  That’s back-to-back games with steals and he’s hitting over .300 in the last week.  Okay, it’s not much, but for Drew it’s practically MVP numbers.

Kelly Johnson – Now has two homers in two games and 4 homers this week.  In like a lion, out like a lion.

Tim Stauffer – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks.  He gets the Cubs at home and the Giants in San Fran.  Since the Padres are battling for the playoffs, I’d grab Stauffer for next week.

Yadier Molina – Headed home to have his knee examined.  Tough blow for people in leagues that only use Molinas.

Pablo Sandoval – 0-for-2, .263 average on the year with 12 homers.  Kung F.U. Panda is more like it.

Logan Morrison played at the same community college as Albert Pujols.  That’s two more MLB players than Middlesex County College or MC-squared as we called it.  Let’s look at what Stephen wrote about Morrison, “Blessed with a balanced, flat swing with plus-power, and the organization’s best plate-discipline…  The only thing more exciting than Morrison is pasting copies of Grey’s photo to a dartboard and piercing his eyeballs.”  Hmm… Hadn’t read that last part before.  A rookie with good plate discipline and power is really all you need to know when considering a guy for keepers.  Own and own now.  So is it time to get on board the LogaMotive in redraft leagues?  As a disgruntled horse would say, “What the hey?”  When met with choosing between upside and a random schmohawk outfielder behind door number three, you go with upside.  Just don’t crazy and drop anyone too valuable.  I imagine Morrison will lose some playing time to Bonifacio and might struggle in the beginning.  Conservatively, I’ve give him 8 homers and a decent average.  The upside is obviously there and if he hits out of the gate, his name value will provide more than his actual worth on the trade market.  A lot depends on if the Marlins take it fast or slow with LogaMo.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jason Bay – Out with a mild concussion.  This would explain a lot if it happened in March and was just discovered.

Jonathon Niese – 6 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 1 K.  Wasn’t the prettiest start, but I’ve seen worse.  *cough* Wainwright *cough*  Still, Niese has only one bad start in his last 10.  Really no reason you shouldn’t own him.

Huston Street – Was hit by a line drive then fainted two or three times from the pain.  Obviously I don’t wish ill on anyone, except for maybe Jason Bay.  But how do you faint two or three times?  You put the back of your hand to your forehead and you faint.  Then you’re revived.  That’s it.  Let’s act it out.  “The pain is terrible.  I can’t take it, Jeeves.  I just can’t.”  You faint.  Jeeves pats your forehead with a cold rag while your suitor waves his top hat to give you air.  You waken.  “Are you all right?  You fainted.”  “Yes, Jeeves.  Thank you.  Perhaps you could fetch me a glass of bubbly water.”  See!  One faint!  Well, I grabbed Corpas wherever I had room.  If anyone can take a day-to-day and turn it into a 60-day DL stint, it’s Street.

Jorge de la Rosa – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Now has back-to-back solid starts.  Yes, I’d prefer him over Volquez at this point.

Troy Tulowitzki – 0-for-4 as he returned to the lineup.  Hope his return this soon isn’t *pinkie to mouth* wristki.

Tyler Colvin – 2-for-4 with his 4th homer in the last week.  Get ‘em while the gettin’s good.  I before e, pick him up if you need outfield help.

Brett Myers – 9 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 12 Ks.  Pitched brilliantly vs the Cubs.  Brett Myers’ wife was just glad he didn’t win a slugfest because sometimes Brett brings work home with him.

Chris Johnson – 2-for-4.  I picked him up for Monday’s short schedule day, but I held onto him a little longer and dropped someone else.  Why?  Cause Johnson’s crazy hot right now.

Hong-Chih Kuo – 2 IP, 0 ER, 5 Ks.  His ERA is 0.79, his WHIP is 0.76 and lefties are 0-for-the-season off him.  How’s your Holds guy doing?

Gavin Floyd – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Hasn’t given up more than 2 runs in any game since June 2nd.  Yup.

Alexei Ramirez – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer.  He has 5 steals on the year and a .288 average.  Take this how you want, but his stats are exactly what they should be.

Kerry Wood – Will close again when activated.  The Indians should’ve added, “And we can’t wait for him to return, because we love love love having him as our closer.  But we’d be willing to listen to offers if someone really wanted to trade for him.”

Josh Tomlin – 7 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Josh Tomlin, who likes to talk about himself in the third person, said, “Josh Tomlin fears no man, woman or whatever A-Rod is.”  Tomlin, 25, had a solid record in Triple-A this year –  2.68 ERA, 80:33 K:BB in 107 1/3 innings.  Could be a decent AL-Only pickup since hitters won’t be familiar with him.  You’re crazy if you grab him in mixed leagues.  Cray.  Zee.

Stephen Strasburg – Was scratched from his start when he couldn’t get loose.  He has inflammation in his right shoulder.  Wouldn’t be surprised if the Nats are very cautious and rest him for a week or so.  When the crowd saw it was Batista and not Strasburg starting, it was almost a modern day, Disco Demolition Night.  Like showing up at the theater and hearing, “Due to an illness to Kevin Spacey, his understudy will be performing tonight — the dad from The Hogan Family.”

Scott Olsen – Will return from the DL this Thursday.  He’s worth a grab, if you’re hurting for a 5th fantasy starter, but I wouldn’t start him in his first game back.

Edinson Volquez – 3 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Yeah, that wasn’t much better than his last start.  Tommy John recipients tend to have command issues when they return and Volquez already had problems throwing a rock into the ocean without the assist from gravity.  I’d start looking elsewhere.

Scott Rolen – 4-for-4, 3 RBIs in his 2nd game back.  Or as I like to call it “two less days until his next injury.”  If you’re hurting at your corner infidel spot, I could see grabbing him while he’s ‘healthy.’

Jose Lopez – Tight hamstring forced him from the game.  He’s day-to-day, or Day II Day, if you’re into R&B.

B.J. Upton – Twisted ankle and left the game.  He’s day-to-day, which isn’t nearly as exciting as one day until Desmond Jennings’ day.

Justin Upton – Left with hip tightness.  The Uptons should have never vacationed to Hawaii and stole that tiki idol from Vincent Price.

Shane Victorino – Is it me or did the entire league get hurt yesterday?  His oblique injury looked like it could mean a DL stint.  He could barely throw the ball back in.  Victorino said he’s hoping to avoid the DL.  Oh, who cares what Victorino’s saying?  Here comes Domonic Brown!  Maybe.  But pick him up just in case.

Dan Haren – Hey, some good injury news!  Haren says he’ll be able to make his next start.

John Lackey – 7 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. his former club, the Angels, as the Rally Monkey tipped his cap one last time.

J.J. Hardy – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and a homer.  I’ve quietly owned Hardy in one league for a week or two.  He’s hit in 8 of his last ten games and is capable of hitting 10 homers in the last two months.  It’s not much until you consider it’s at MI.

Danny Valencia – 4-for-4 on Monday, 4-for-5 yesterday…  14 for his last 19.  Yeah, I grabbed him in multiple leagues.  I think he flames out as quick as he’s heated up, but who knows?  Maybe he’ll Chris Shelton it for three weeks.  Oh, and if you’re wondering who I dropped.  Dexter Fowler, you’re dead to me until you start hitting again.  Get well soon!

Mike Gonzalez – 1 2/3, 0 ER.  Meanwhile, Alfredo got creamed.  You do the math!

Jose Bautista – 4-for-4, 5 RBIs and two homers to bring his total to 30.  Okay, I was way off with this guy, but I don’t think even Jose Bautista saw this year coming.  This is the craziest HR season since Brady Anderson suddenly hit 50 HRs.  Bautista hadn’t hit 30 homers in the past two years combined in 350 extra ABs.  It’s okay, it’ll make next year’s overrated post that much sweeter to write.

Cliff Lee – 9 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 13 Ks.  On the season, he has 114 Ks to 7 walks.  There’s gonna be some upset people on the internet when he loses the Cy Young because he doesn’t have enough wins.

Michael Wuertz – 1 IP, 2 ER and the first two run outing in over a month.  I haven’t had a year like this in a while.  I literally pick up a middle reliever to vulture saves and he invariably gives up runs.  It’s the Wuertz!

Tommy Hanson – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Best looking start for Hanson in over a month.  Could be headed for a solid finish on a pretty lukewarm season.

Chris Coghlan – He tore his meniscus while throwing a pie in Wes Helms face.  This is the worst pie-related injury since Stan Gable’s heart was broken when he saw his Betty topless at the bottom of a Nerd-sold creme pie.  But pie-related injuries go back centuries.  The first known pie-related injury was when Euclid hurt his pelvis during a visual explanation of circumference.  Chris Coghlan’s offseason workout program will be him serving tables at Marie Callender’s.

Matt Lindstrom threw 1 IP, 2 ER and his second blown save in two games and third in his last four.  If you’re not reading this until Sunday, he probably blew another game.  Oops, there goes another one.  I grabbed Brandon Lyon in two leagues where he was available.  If it was simply Lindstrom sucking, I’d say you can hold off, but Lindstrom said he has mechanical issues.  You know what mechanical issues are code for, right?  A breakdown.  In the mean’s while, Lyon is just okay.  If I said he was good, I’d be (Mad Lib in your own pun).  But Lyon does have closing experience, so there’s that junebug on the duck’s back or some other yokelism.  As for Matt Capps, his rope is a bit longer, but his shakes haven’t been great either.  Yesterday, he went 2/3 IP, 3 unearned runs and the third time he was Cappsized this year.  Ticker shock due to Cristian Guzman playing about fifty feet too far behind 2nd.  It was Guzman’s third error of the game.  [mind-boggling] I realize the Nats are the Nots without Guzman and all, but there really should’ve been a defensive replacement in this game. [/mind-boggling]  I’d pray that Capps rights his own ship and grab Lyon if you have room.  Besides, Clippard’s probably owned anyway because he has, like, 17 wins.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jack Cust – It took forever and a day, but Cust hit his first home run.  He’s streaky like your hair when you used to wear Zubaz, so if there’s a time to grab Cust, now would be it.

Kurt Suzuki - 2-for-5 with 2 HRs and his 3rd in two games.  I was about to say it doesn’t matter because he’s probably owned everywhere, but then I saw he’s only owned in 35% of ESPN leagues.  Zoinks!  Hey, I’m not a huge fan of Suzuki, but I can’t imagine he’s not better than who some of you own.

Brett Anderson – Left the game after 2 innings with a sore elbow.  I’m not going to sugarcoat it for you; it’s a bad sign.  If I were to read his tea leaves, I’d say he’s probably out until the All-Star Game.  But if I were the type to read tea leaves, I’d probably just spray his elbow with Windex and tell him to go pitch.  I’d hold him for now and hope for the best and expect the opposite.

Kevin Kouzmanoff – Hit his 2nd homer in two games.  He’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell.  How’s that for a hard sell?!  Or is it a hard buy?  Or is it hard up?

Kris Medlen – 7 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 hits, no walks, 4 Ks.  He actually looked even better than the line.  Two infield singles in the 8th scored with one being a broken bat jobber.  Yes, I’m a big fan, but he has a 2.79 ERA on the year; you should be too.

Troy Glaus – 2-for-4 and his 4th homer in his last five games.  He should have 5, but Ibanez robbed him on Wednesday.  Can’t Ibanez do anything right?  No, no he can’t.  BTW, Glaus is only owned in 77% of ESPN leagues.  Glaus who was the NL Player of the Month for May.  It really takes this long to add a guy?  If you’ve abandoned your team, why are you reading this?  For the funnies?  Then skip ahead to Bush, Maggs, Freddy Garcia and Fuentes.

Jason Bartlett – Headed to the DL with moans over his hammy.  The strain was considered mild when it happened last week and now he’s going on the DL.  You deduce what you want from that, but for a guy who gains value for fantasy with his legs this is not a good sign.

Carlos Lee – Back-to-back games with a homer.  I think I said this before, but Lee will hit 25 homers and bat around .270.  At some point, he’s got to get there.  And that’s me thinking I said something I might not have said!

Dave Bush – He said that the scratching this weekend has nothing to do with his finger’s blister.  Maybe the scratching has to do with his lip’s blister.

Mark Teahen – Had surgery on the tip of his middle finger.  Medical name of the surgery is “Fixin’ The Bird.”  Teahen will miss 4-6 weeks.

Carlos Quentin – 1-for-3 with his third homer in his last five games.  As Ozzie said on Twitter:  #it’saboutfreakintime.

Magglio Ordonez – 3-for-5 and came within a single of the cycle.  He would’ve had a single but Jim Joyce called it a homer.

Austin Jackson – 4-for-6 with a .341 average on the year.  It’s nice and all, but he also has only 8 steals and 1 homer.  Also, his BABIP is totally, flippin’ out of control.  Okay, you know how I feel about this guy.  Moving on…

Adam Jones – Hit his 6th homer yesterday.  I was thinking about Adam Jones’s year so far (while laying on my couch, sipping a blender drink).  Really, what’s the best case scenario for Jones?  He had a 19/10 year in ’09, batting .277.  So if he doesn’t take a huge step forward, what are we getting?  We’re getting a poor man’s Pence.  It’s okay, but his team’s offense is terrible, which will limit Runs and RBIs.  When in doubt, I’d still go with the upside, but I think we need to start tempering our expectations.

Josh Johnson – 7 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 8 Ks and a 2.10 ERA on the year.  Getting lost in the Ubaldo craze is the fact that Josh Johnson actually has a better xFIP and K-rate than Ubaldo.  Hey, maybe Keith Law will vote for Johnson instead of Ubaldo for the NL Cy Young.

Chris Coghlan – 2-for-3 while raising his average from .213 to .249 in ten games.  Yup.

Bobby Jenks – As reported here after being read elsewhere, Jenks is the closer again as he pitched a scoreless inning yesterday to get the save.

Freddy Garcia – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. the Rangers who can’t hit in away games.  No matter what Gavin Floyd has to say about it.  BTW, this is Freddy Garcia before the game, this is him after when he let his hair down.

Pat Burrell – Likely getting called up by San Francisco this weekend.  I’m gonna go out on a limb and say the bears are gonna love Pat the Bat.  And I’m not talking about the Golden State Bears.  Burrell could be a bat off the bench and he might see a few games a week in the outfield against lefties.  In NL-Only leagues, it’s worth a look.

Felix Hernandez – 8 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks, including a 4 strikeout 8th inning as he had his way with the Twins.  His ERA is now down to 3.26 and he looks like the ace you drafted.

Jose Lopez – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer in the last 7 games.  On a struggling team, I made a bold (read:  dumb) move last week, trading Cano for Lopez and Garza.  So far, it hasn’t looked terrible, but it’s still early and I have plenty of time to regret it.  Pray for me, Razzballers.

Zack Greinke – 6 IP, 4 ER, 13 baserunners, 6 Ks.  I think how badly he was outpitched by Jered Weaver (7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks) says all that needs to be said.

Torii Hunter – 2-for-4 with his 9th homer.  He also has 5 steals.  I understand everyone wants 5 Ryan Braun’s in their outfield, but I don’t understand when I get comments about dropping guys like Hunter.  Maybe he’s a bit yawnstipating, but he’s on pace for exactly what he should be.  Somewhere in the 25/17 neighborhood.  What were the royal you looking for when you drafted him?

Brian Fuentes – 1 IP, 2 ER for the save.  He gave up a two-run homer to Willie Bloomquist.  That’s like when a prostitute has sex with a hobo out of pity.

Dontrelle Willis, the flat-billed pitchypus in question, was traded to the Diamondbacks for a half-used #2 pencil and a race car-shaped eraser.  When a team trades a guy and still has to pay the majority of his salary, it’s usually not a good sign.  I have maintained in the past that maybe the only thing eating at Dontrelle was the Tigers taking away the best aspect of his game –> his hitting.  It’s still not a reason to pick him up.  It’s not like the Diamondbacks stadium is a pitchers’ haven.  Let someone else take the flat-billed pitchypus under their wing and nurture it back to health.  Anyway, here’s what else we saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Mark Teixeira – Day-to-day after he left the game with a bruised foot, which is far less tasty than a braised foot.

Javier Vazquez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Don’t look now but Vazquez has 3 solid starts in his past 4 games – helping to bring his ERA/WHIP down to 6.06/1.49.  Yeah, still looks awful but it took a while for him to stop picturing Johnny Damon at the plate with the bases loaded everytime he pitched.

Curtis Granderson – 1-for-4 with his 3rd homer and his 8th RBI.  He’s got a bit of a ways to go before he’s not considered a size D bust.

Trevor Hoffman – 1 IP, 3 ER as he pitched in the 7th inning.  I’d like to punch him in his big fat mouth.  If you own him, bench him until he gets a save.

Corey Hart – Now has 14 homers, while Fielder hit his 8th yesterday because he couldn’t take anymore of my roundup mocking.  That’s what I think, at least.  In all seriousness, Fielder could hit 15 homers this month and it wouldn’t surprise me.  Don’t sweat the fat stuff.

Chris Coghlan – 3-for-5 and a home run.  Hitting around .340 over the last week but still hitting .237 on the year.  Has a long way to go before he’s hitting .290 and he should get there eventually, which means those in need of average can look to him.  Unless…

Mike Stanton – Hit a couple more homers yesterday.  Ross is hitting .295 with moderate power, Maybin and the aforementioned Coghlan have been better after early season slumping.  Not sure who gets the ax for Stanton, but someone must.  Even though I’m not in the union, I’m going to put on my GM hat and say Ross loses playing time.

Russell Branyan – Has three homers in his last four games.  Like an orgy-ist, Branyan hits ‘em in bunches.

Cole Hamels – 2/3 IP, 3 ER.  So frustrating when a pitcher gets hit then a rain delay blocks him from fixing the damage to his ratios.  Why are they starting a game when it’s about to rain?  Is looking up not in the umpire’s rulebook?  Dallas Raines, Storm Field, or Sonny Whither-Chanceofrain would’ve never let this game start.

Kevin Gregg – Gregg must’ve left his Janet Jackson album collection yesterday because he had no control and wanted no part of the rhythm nation.  His line of 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 5 BB was so nasty that actually inspired Cito to insist he call him “Mr. Gaston.”  Since I owned Frasor in a few leagues, you’d think this blowup would make me giggly like an Asian girl in a Hello Kitty store.  Unfortunately, Frasor gave up one run earlier in the game and I flashed a trigger finger faster than Wild Bill Hickok.  To explain again in exclamation marks, !!!!!!!.  I’d own Frasor (though I won’t) and Downs, just in case Gregg is removed from the closer role.  Right now, I’d own them Gregg, Frasor then Downs.  In that order.  Downs is last because I don’t think they go to a lefty closer outside of some messy shituations.

Jeff Niemann – 6 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks.  First, Shields then Fister now Niemann.  It’s been a good week.  Finally, some of these unreal ERAs from these schmohawks are coming down (up?) to earth.  Find your level, snitches!

John Ely – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks and now 6 straight solid starts and an ERA of 2.54 with a WHIP of 0.93.  Yes, you should own him.  No, he’s not this good.

Victor Martinez – 5-for-5 with 4 routine fly balls to left.  Or as they call them in Boston, “doubles.”

Carlos Quentin – Now has 2 homers in his last 3 games.  Hey, guess all this bastard needed was for me to give up on him.  Figures.

Gordon Beckham – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs.  Beckham promised a Make-A-Wish kid two soft singles to center.  What a guy!

Justin Smoak – 2-for-2 with a homer.  If you own him, you were probably sonavabenched because the home run came after not starting the game.  Nothing like a guy that doesn’t hit for three weeks, then hits a home run when he wasn’t supposed to play.  *Grey bangs his head on his desk*

Scott Rolen – 2 more HRs tonight with 4 of his 13 HRs now coming against the Cards.  Rolen’s going all Cobra Kai on his former coach.  (BTW, We at Razzball are completely against this rethink of Karate Kid.  Jaden Smith and Jackie Chan?  Really?  Does anyone watch the first Karate Kid and, say, “I liked the gist of it but I think it would’ve been better if the Daniel-san character was prepubescent and African-American?”  How will you find someone so watchably menacing as Billy Zabka’s portrayal of Johnny Lawrence?  And will Mr. Miyagi’s backstory be moved from living in Okinawa to living in Hong Kong?  They already did this crap with the Can’t Buy Me Love remake and now Nick Cannon’s stooging on a talent show.  What’s next?  A Bachelor Party remake and not showing muff?)

Johnny Cueto – 5 IP, 8 ER, 11 baserunners, 0 Ks.  Speaking of 80′s villains, Johnny Cueto swept my legs then urinated on my head.

Joey Votto – 4-for-5, 3 Runs and his 11th homer.  Hey, someone gave him the hug he needed, nice!

Maicer Izturis – Now has back-to-back games with a homer.  I missed the homers, but I’m guessing he was hitting from the 2nd base bag.

Dan Haren – 8 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Diamondbacks are considering trading Dan Haren.  Maybe they can throw in a closer and buy low on Teixeira.  Though in real baseball that makes no sense.

Jose Lopez – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and a homer.  I know he’s been terrible, but he always gets hot as the summer heats up and he’s now hitting over .400 in the last week with 2 homers.

Chone Figgins – 2-for-4 with a steal.  Yes, he’s finally hot too.

Brett Myers – A 7 inning, 10 K performance against the pesky Nats went for naught after Lindstrom blew the save but then went for aught after Capps blew the save and the game.  Myers’ 3.04 ERA looks awfully low for someone with a 1.39 WHIP but it’s still good enough to gamble on for the occasional stream in shallow leagues, start most of the time in deeper leagues, and start every time in leagues that credit points for domestic abuse.

Hunter Pence – 2-for-3 with his 9th homer.  He also has 5 steals.  It’s the Hunter pace.  Home run here, steal there.  25/12 by the end of the year.  Ho-hum, which is a command Ice Cube uses.