Fantasy Baseball Advice

Robinson Cano hit his third and fourth homer yesterday.  He’s now batting .395.  This will probably sound homeless-person-crazy since we’re only 12 days into the young season, but I think Cano could win the MVP and will win the batting title.  You thought Pedroia’s MVP season was nice from a fantasy standpoint?  How’s .330 and 30 homers coming from your 2nd baseman?  You like that?  What, you want it a little higher?  Okay, how’s .335?  Yeah, that feels good, doesn’t it?  I have Cano’s 2010 projections at 90/27/100/.315/5.  Hold those numbers up to the light and they sing gospel songs that will make your ears smile.  And Cano can exceed those numbers.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Carlos Gonzalez – CarGo sounds like he’ll be shipped off to the DL. I’m officially a bad person because I’d be happy to see him get DL’d since I don’t own him anywhere.  Hey, Glockenspiel, what’s that speck on the map of Grey’s soul?  It’s a tiny city-state.  What’s the city-state called, Glockenspiel?  It’s called Schadenfreude!  This will mean more time for Seth Smith.  He’ll be covered more in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell.  Keep refreshing.  It’ll appear.

Jorge de la Rosa – 6 IP, 4 ER, 13 baserunners.  Why you little Whipper Crapper!

Bud Norris – 5 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks.  It’s been said Chuck Norris could win at Connect Four in 3 moves.  Well, Bud Norris can strike out 9 in 5 innings (albeit using 100 pitches and walking 3 or 4).

Mat Latos – 4 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners.  See Jorge de la Rosa or an inch above.  Seriously, throw these three and Gio Gonzalez into a blender and you have one messy WHIP.   I like Ks, but at what price?

Astros Hitters – As a team, the Astros have 2 homers through 9 games.  Someone should take some egg whites and fold them into the Nats.  Two birds, one lemon meringue pie.  Even if Ed Wade’s toupee were pitching against the Astros, I’d start it in mixed leagues.

Carlos Zambrano – 5 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners.  Eh, Big Z’s a mediocre pitcher pitching mediocre, so not much to say, but he did make me think of something.  Member the Lil’ Penny Nike campaign?  Of course you do.  Put down your Razzhand.  Okay, so my question is why is there no Lil’ Z to go with Big Z?  We need a claymation expert, stat!  Lil’ Z can be on top of the Gatorade while Big Z’s flipping out.  “Look at you, the big bad man beating up a lemon-lime container!  Now everyone’s thirsty!  Sweet Lou’s gonna get sour!  You big dummy!” Hmm… My Lil’ Z sounds a bit like Redd Foxx, but we can work on that.

Derrek Lee – Returned and homered.  That is all.

Scott Kazmir – 4 IP, 6 ER.  I’m sure his owners are happy to have him back.

Casey McGehee – 1-for-3 with his third homer.  He’s in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell, too.  Yes, I am pimping it a bit because there’s an announcement in there you’re gonna wanna read.

Mike Gonzalez – He’s now going to be out about a month.  My guess is Jim Johnson is getting saves still at the end of May.

Adam LaRoche – Sat out with a tight quad.  That’s what she said!  Hey, that made more sense this time.

Chad Qualls – Second blown save in a row.  Juan Gutierrez is the backup for you save vultures.  I already grabbed him in two leagues.

Daric Barton – 2-for-5 as he hits .343 on the year.  He has little power, but you can do worse in OBP leagues.

Shin-Soo Choo – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs with his third homer.  I own him in one league and you know what?  Loving Choo is easy cause you’re beautiful.

David Huff – 9 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks.  There’s some pitchers you grab, there’s other pitchers you let others grab.  Huff falls in the latter group, but could move to the former.  His 2008 K-rate and walk rate were decent in Triple-A, but he lost all those gains last year.  Worth watching to see if he can string some starts together, but I have my doubts.

Matt Harrison – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks.  His minor league K-rate is pretty bleh.  I wouldn’t bother outside of AL-Only leagues.

Elvis Andrus – 1-for-3, hitting leadoff.  This will mean less Runs for Borbon, but as long as he’s getting on base and stealing them, I wouldn’t worry.  I think I predicted Andrus would move to the top of the order by the middle of April.  Natch!  Actually, the prediction might’ve been for Alcides, but he’s moved up for some games, as well.  Natch point!

Cameron Maybin – 3-for-4 and a homer as he hits .310 on the year with 2 steals.  Looks like Maybin may be in (stutterer!) for a breakout.

Josh Johnson – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks.  His porn star brother, Gosh Johnson, would be proud.

Alexei Ramirez – Homered yesterday.  It is still early, and he usually doesn’t start playing until May, but I’m not sure how much I believe you’re ever going to fully enjoy owning Alexei.

Travis Snider – Hallelujah!  Snider hit a homer yesterday.  I still think he could go back to striking out every fifth AB.  The potential is there though.

Fred Lewis – The Blue Jays acquired Lewis.  If this doesn’t push them over the Yanks, Sawx and Rays, I don’t know what does.

J.A. Happ – 5 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 BBs as sabermetricians cry onto their calculators.  Here’s a clean BABIP, wipe those tears away.

Ian Desmond – 2-for-4, and a steal as he batted second.  Man, that was long overdue.  I hope we’re not heading down FeLopezian territory where every time I think about dropping Desmond he does just enough to buy himself some more time.

Ryan Zimmerman – After sitting out the last couple, he snuck into the game for a pinch hit homer.  Yeah, you got sonavabenched.  It’s all right, so did I with…

Francisco Liriano – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Sonavabench!  But he was going against the Red Sox!  He gave up 5 BBs to the White Sox in his last start.  It was the right call to bench him for the Red Sox.  Why do you hate me fantasy baseball gods?  Is it because I don’t capitalize gods?  Was it my crack about Jim Abbot two months ago?  I apologize to you and commenter, IowaCubs.  Please, embrace me again!  The rain makes me shiver.  Don’t let me shiver.  Okay, thanks for letting me vent.  Liriano goes against the Indians next time out.  Yes, please.  Though, he could go against the 1927 Yankees featuring a 2001 time traveling Barry Bonds and I’d start Liriano.  I’ve learned my lesson!

Jacoby Ellsbury – Can’t breath without sharp pain in his side.  Obviously, not a good thing.  He may end up *pinkie to mouth* D’Ellsburied.

Edwin Encarnacion – Will be out a few days with a sore arm.  If only he were a bigger star, so I could’ve used the title, “Clipped Edwing.”

Jose Guillen – Revealed yesterday that he almost died in 2009.  The Royals had the day  off and Guillen’s not hitting homers, so he reveals this?  Sounds like someone might be getting addicted to the press coverage.  This is how Heidi Montag started.  Before you know it, Butler won’t be the only one with a size C rack.

Brian Fuentes hurt himself lifting weights.  Can’t he just take HGH like every other freakin’ major leaguer.  Hayzeus Cristo, my closer luck has been terrible so far this year.  The closerousel has made me really nauseous.  Forget SAGNOF, more like CRYNOF, which acronyms to nothing but has “cry” in it.  Fernando Rodney is the immediate pickup, but, if your leagues are like mine, he’s gone already.  I grabbed Kevin Jepsen where I could for the chance that he might sneak in and grab a save or two.  Fuentes says he’ll be back as soon as his DL stint is up, but, if Rodney runs with the job, don’t be surprise to see Scioscia call shenanigans.  SABCS — Scioscia Always Be Calling Shenanigans.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Kevin Gregg – Officially takes over the closer role.  Gregg will probably drop a turd nugget in his next game and lose the job back to Frasor. I don’t think this has settled itself yet, but Gregg’s the guy to own.  I’d hold Frasor if you have the room.

Jimmy Rollins – It’s official.  Rollins heads to the DL and you’re SOL.  Rollins expects to miss two to four weeks.  Today, kids, we are going to learn how to find the mean of 2 and 4.  I’ll say Rollins will return in three weeks.

Shane Victorino – 4-for-5, 5 RBIs and a HR yesterday as he bats leadoff in place of Rollins.  As Jim Cramer would say, “Actually, I don’t know what he’d say because I’ve never watched him, but probably something about Victorino’s stock going up.”

Miguel Montero – Good news!  Well, kinda.  He’ll only be out 4-6 weeks.  Just think, when he returns then you can decide if you want him or Carlos Santana.

Kelly Johnson – Left the game with back stiffness.  He’s day-to-day or day 2 day if you’re texting.

Troy Glaus – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and a HR.  No reason why he can’t hit 25 to 30 homers if he stays healthy.  Sure, that “if” is a 500 pound goiter, but still.

Jason Heyward – 1-for-4, 2 Ks.  He has 12 Ks through 30 ABs.  Mark Reynolds has 10 Ks.  Adam Dunn has 7 Ks.  Cust kayin’.

Mike Gonzalez – Heads off to the Disgraceful List with Can’t Throw Effectivelyitis.  Think it’s our first case of the Disgraceful List this year.  Congrats, Gonzalez, you sucked so bad they had to pretend you were injured!  I wouldn’t drop Gonzalez, just stash him.  The season’s still young, Johnson’s no Rollie Fingers, Gonzalez can be effective when he’s going right, yadda².  Oh, and make sure you own Jim Johnson, i.e. the guy who sounds like he should be a cult leader.

Magglio Ordonez – Hit his third homer yesterday as he bats .368.  His health and/or this hitting won’t last.  Own him while it does.

Rick Porcello – 6 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 2 Ks.  I own him in my Fantasy Razzball league, ya know, the league where you try and get the worst stats.  That should tell you what I think of Porcello.

Gio Gonzalez – 4 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 BBs vs. Mariners.  And that’s his downside.  Can’t go deep into games because he’s wild and his team won’t give him much run support.

Jose Guillen – 3-for-4, HR yesterday.  Incredibly, this week he’s hit a homer off every AL pitcher.

C.J. Wilson – Missed his start due to food poisoning.  Ron Washington was overheard in the clubhouse screaming, “That’s not sugar!”

Julio Borbon – 2-for-4 and a steal as his owners popped a Borboner.

Nelson Cruz – Hit his major league leading sixth homer yesterday.  I see your Jose Guillen and Vernon Wells and I raise you a Nelson Cruz.

Colby Lewis – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 BBs, 10 Ks.  Yes, I love strikeout pitchers.  Here’s the issue.  A) Texas gets hot in the summer and it becomes Coors without the humidor, though it is humid.  Ironic?  I don’t know, ask a Brit; they’re smart.  B) He was honing his shizz in Japan.  Have you seen some of the dudes who have had success in Japan?  No offense, Sadaharu Oh.  C) He walks people.  A better hitting team will kill him.  D) There is no D.  There wasn’t even supposed to be a C.

Justin Masterson – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 Ks.  He induces ground balls and gets strikeouts.  What else do you need?  He’s owned in only 2% of ESPN leagues.  It’s still too early even at ESPN for 98% of their leagues to be abandoned.  Come on, people.

Jonathan Sanchez – 8 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 11 Ks.  If I were famous, I could’ve sold a video of me watching this game to TMZ.

Eli Whiteside – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and a HR yesterday.  The Hasidic Masher with the huzzah!

Mark Teixeira – 0-for-4 as his average drops to .096.  Here’s what the Staples guy had to say, “Wow, that’s a low average!”

Javier Vazquez – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, as he’s now 0-2 with a 9.82 ERA.  Luckily, he gets the A’s next and they have 8 DHs that can’t hit.

Joel Pineiro – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. the Yanks.  A’la De Niro in the Spider scene, “What’s the world coming to?!”

Homer Bailey – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 12 baserunners.  Every time a bell rang a Marlin got a hit.  Fairly well, Bailey.

Chris Volstad – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks.  He had an ERA of 2.67 last April and he was ownable until the end of May.  I’m not a huge fan because of his pedestrian K-rate, but there ya go.

Jorge Cantu – Hit his third homer yesterday.  Jorge Cantu co-starred in the best of hitters of April post.

Burke Badenhop – The guy with the fake sounding, 50′s matinee idol name got the save yesterday.  Was because Nunez pitched three days in a row.  No reason to go gaga for the Badenhop.

Brandon Morrow – 4 IP, 7 ER.  As frequent commenter, Mr. Baseball sorta said yesterday, “(Morrow) can’t start – can’t close – can’t do the set up role – There’s always long relief.”

Jeff Francoeur – Frenchy hit a home run yesterday or as I call them, freedom flies.

Chris Iannetta – 3-for-5 with a walk-off homer.  I go over what I think about switching catchers in the Geovany Soto blurb further down the page.  You scroll and come back.  Maybe you wait for it.  Your choice.

Ty Wigginton – Hit 2 homers on Monday then went 2-for-4 yesterday.  He’s been playing 2nd base in place of Roberts.  Might not have the 2nd base eligibility yet in your league, but AL-Only leagues should pay attention.

Nolan Reimold – 0-for-4, hitting .130.  Playing.  Not well.  I moved on last week when Pee-ay stole time from him.  I see little reason to go back.

Dustin Pedroia – 2-for-5 as he hit his 4th homer.  BTW, you know who’s going to be overrated in 2011?  Yup.

John Lackey – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER 2 Ks.  Since I’m not above gloating about the picks from the preseason that look good so far, I will say I probably sold Lackey a little short.  He can be effective verging on yawnstipating.  My bigger issue is his injury concernness.  Yeah, that’s a word.  Eat it, Roget’s!

Kevin Slowey – 5 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 BBs, 5 Ks.  Was a tough matchup and the weather was terrible.  I’m ignoring this burp.

Ross Ohlendorf – Will likely miss his Saturday start with a bad back.  He’ll be home watching the straight-to-video classic, Dorf On The Couch.

Charlie Morton – 6 IP, 6 ER, 3 HRs, 3 Ks.  You may have some K potential, sir, but you ain’t worth your salt!

Jeff Clement – Sat in favor of Bobby Crosby.  Ah, just when you thought you had your catching shituation figured out.

Brad Penny – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 4 Ks.  A hush fell over the crowd as Dave Duncan reached into his magician’s hat and pulled out Sandy Koufax.

John Danks – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Has now put together back-to-back solid starts.  Right now, he’s way above his career K-rate and below his walk rate.  Sorry to buzzkill his owners, but I think Danks comes crashing back to earth sooner vs. later.

Carlos Quentin – 2-for-5, 6 RBIs and a HR yesterday.  Yeah, it was a real nice night for my preseason favorites.

Randy Wells – The knock on Wells has always been his lack of strikeouts.  Never stopped him before though.  So today he throws six and a third innings and gives up four earned while striking out seven.  Wells to sabermetricians, “No one puts Randy in a corner!”

Geovany Soto – 1-for-2, HR yesterday.  I know everyone loves to abandon five months of preseason prep work after a week and two days, but Soto was a fantasy sleeper this year.  To reiterate something I’ve said before, “Here’s the deal with punting catcher.  They’re like scabs.  Just leave them alone!  Soto will have 17 HRs by the end of September.  You don’t have to keep picking at him.”  And that’s me paraphrasing me!

Carlos Marmol – Got his third save in 4 1/3 innings and 9 Ks.  Could he be the first Donkeycorn this year to become a $12 Salad? (New person to Razzball talking to themselves, “What on earth is this madman talking about?  I’m going back to ESPN.”)

Ryan Theriot – 4-for-5, 2 RBIs, 2 steals.  Has a five game hitting streak going.  For those keeping score, I’m going until Sunday before giving up on Desmond in most mixed leagues, but that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t own Theriot over him in certain leagues.  Theriot has plus speed, minus power, which equals SAGNOF!

Xavier Nady – 1-for-3, as Derrek Lee sucks his thumb.  Oh, wait, I read that news wrong.  He’s just nursing a sore thumb.  NL-Only leaguers take notice of Nady.

Alcides Escobar – 3-for-4, as he bats .286.  Still has a goose egg in the steal department, but they will come and in a big way.

Corey Hart – Everyone’s favorite first week pin cushion has a 4 game hitting streak and hit in the two hole yesterday as Gomez rightfully moved down the order.

B.J. Upton – 2 HRs yesterday.  Only thing better than a B.J. going deep once–  Aw, man, there goes our three girl readers.

Carlos Pena – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs as he hit his third homer yesterday.  He had top billing in that best hitters of April post.

David Price – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 Ks.  With Sanchez, Alcides and Soto, Price also had a preseason sleeper post.  Ooh…Grey gets a gold star!  Maybe I can knit a yarn mustache and pin it to my lip! Geez, random italicized voice, you don’t say anything for over a week then you lash out.  Sorry, my H2H team sucks.

Jimmy Rollins looks like he’s headed to the DL with a Grade 2 calf strain.  For those non-doctors out there, that’s a calf strain that starts to learn its times tables.  It hurts to lose your 2nd or 3rd round pick, but you don’t have many options here.  You can’t sell him low.  Assuming you need a little pick me up after getting *pinkie to mouth* decalfeinated, some MIs that are out there are McGehee, Furcal, Desmond, EverCab and O-Cab.  They provide different things, but I like them to varying degrees, in that order.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Adeiny Hechavarria – Say that name fast one time!  The Jays signed the 21-year-old Cuban defector.  Defect had more going it against than any other word, yet the Cubans turned it into a positive.  Sorta the same journey the word “special” took, but in the reverse.  Hechavarria probably won’t be called up until the end of this year at the earliest.  Not simply because no one can pronounce his name.  (For those perfectionists out there, it’s Ah-THEY-nee Eh-CHA-bah-ree-ah.)  (BTW, I always use the spellchecker when typing perfectionist.  Discuss that amongst yourselves.)  He’s still very raw, but in time they are likening Ah-THEY-nee to a young Alfonso Soriano.  Not sure if “they” are saying a young Soriano means a Latin 21 or a Latin 25.  I’d look at him in keepers, but league depth has a lot to do with your sitch.

Ricky Romero – 8 IP, 2 ER, 12 Ks as he threw a one hitter.  Whenever I hear this guy’s name I think of Prince’s Batdance.  Stop the press – who is that?  Ricky Romero!  The problem with Romero up until this year is he’s struggled with walks.  So far, doesn’t seem like this is an issue.  He gets the Angels, Rays and A’s next (not at the same time; that would be crazy).  I’d absolutely take a flier on him to see if he can continue his new trends.  I do think it might be a bit miragey, but grab now and ask questions later.

Kevin Gregg – Got the save.  Gregg has looked exceptional.  That’s weird.  Frasor was used on Monday so Gregg was used on Tuesday.  I think if the Jays would just stop winning, then Frasor would be the closer.  If that makes any sense.  Okay, I’ll try again.  If the Jays win every third day, Frasor gets most of the saves.  These back to back ones?  Frasor and Gregg will be used.  So if you’re really hurting, grab Gregg.  Then again, Frasor’s being outpitched by Gregg.  Just own them both for right now.

Brad Hawpe – Hawpe’s day-to-day with a quad injury.  First Carlos Gonzalez comes up lame, now Hawpe.  Not to get all Professor Plum on you, but where was Seth Smith during all of this?

Seth Smith – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and a HR yesterday.  While CarGo and Hawpe are nursing injuries, I’d grab Smith.  Just don’t leave your drink unattended near him.

Akinori Iwamura – Hit his 2nd homer yesterday.  David Ortiz has zero homers.  Cust kayin’.

Drew Stubbs – 0-for-5 as the Reds scored 10.  Ticker tease!

Doug Fister – 8 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners.  This start was more an indication of the A’s offense than Fister’s pitching.  Also, conversation overheard at my house yesterday.  Girlfriend, “Grey, what are you watching?”  “Fister ‘n the A’s!”  Girlfriend, “You’re disgusting.”

Brian Matusz – 7 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 8 Ks.  He actually looked better than Romero.  Very impressive outing.  Three of his earned runs were inherited baserunners Johnson let score.

Jim Johnson – 1/3 IP, 1 ER and the blown save.  A consequence of SAGNOF and being quick to waivers is you end up grabbing a fill-in closer then they explode in your face too.  Johnson may suffer from Scott Downs’ Syndrome.  Don’t let go of Mike Gonzalez yet.

Brandon Webb – Played catch on Monday and the D-Backs are hoping for him to return June 1st.  If you’ve stashed him on your DL, I’d look to trade him around May 31st.

Chris Young – Says he feels no pain, it’s just tightness.  That’s what she said!  Wait, he said it.  Damn!  Young should be back as soon as he’s eligible to come off the DL.  I’d stash him on my DL.

Jose Guillen – Hit another homer yesterday.  Now has like a bazillion homers in the last three days.  Probably won’t hit a bazillion more, but it pays to find out.

Brian Bannister – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 4 Ks.  Don’t even think about it.  I see you!  Stop.  Move your cursor away from picking him up.  Slowly!

Ryan Perry – He’s a Holds machine.  That is all.

Cliff Lee – The Adverb threw a bullpen session and eyes the beginning of May for his return.

Erik Bedard – The Mariners hope Bedard returns by the end of May.  Decent DL stashee, but it wouldn’t shock me to see him come back, throw 5 to 7 games and then get hurt again.  That’s how he do.

Milton Bradley – 2-for-4, HR yesterday.  Last week, he gave the middle finger to the fans.  This week, there’s still time left.

Clayton Kershaw – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 Ks, 8 baserunners, 5 BBs.  As Vin Scully said, “Kershaw was fighting the strike zone from right after the anthem.”  He threw 110 pitches and only 59 were strikes.  Should be BBershaw.

Ian Kennedy – 4 1/3 IP, 6 ER, 9 baserunners.  He gets the Padres in Petco next time out, I’d hold him for that start.  Kennedy’s problem really is ill-timed homers.  Every 30th pitch hits a grassy knoll in the outfield.

Krispie Young – 2-for-4 and a walk!  You should grab him, might be breaking out.  Walking for Krispie is a feat.  Pun unavoidable.

Ervin Santana – 5 2/3 IP, 5 ER, 7 Ks, 13 baserunners.  Definitely wasn’t all magic with Ervin.  I’m ready to deploy my parachute and lose this guy, but I think it’s only fair we give him a non-Yankees start to see what he can do.  He gets the Blue Jays next.  You want Grey to own you, Ervin?  Get your shizz together.

Mike Napoli – Maybe Crapoli gives away the pitches because he’s so dramatic with his hand movements.  You know those Italians.  When Napoli flicks his chin, it’s-a gonna be a fastball.  Either way, Napoli’s clearly the backup.  Lose him in all but the deepest leagues.  Even with a full-time job, it wasn’t like he was winning you your league.  What’s the difference between Napoli and Snyder with full-time at-bats?  5 homers?  Vernon Wells already has that many.

Brandon Wood – 1-for-3.  He got a hit and a walk in the same game?!  C’mon!  Seriously?  I’m really surprised Scioscia hasn’t benched Wood, but I guess this is Scioscia’s modus operandi.  Call up and send down prospects for three years until they don’t know if they’re coming or going, then when they’ve finally given up all hope, play them.  Watch closely when a prospect moves close to Scioscia.  They flinch.  Scioscia and prospects are like Michael Vick and dogs.  Scioscia is the biggest prospblock.  /rant

Sometimes when a player gets hurt, I feel bad if I told you to buy into them.  I’m like, “Shove your emotions into your cankles, you sissy!”  Alas, my inner Native American watching someone litter in a 70′s commercial comes out.  A tear forms in my eye and rolls into my mustache.  Then I leave it there to remind me of my fallen fantasy baseball comrades.  This mustache holds a lot of tears.  But when a player that I warned you against like Aaron Hill heads off to the DL with tightness in his hamstring, I do a little dance like MC Skat Cat.  You know the kid in high school that wore a helmet all day that you used to make fun of?  Okay, now remember when you were alone in the hallway and that same kid walk passed you and you said hello to him because no one else was around?  Today, that kid is Aaron Hill’s owners.  Save your ridicule until their back is turned.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jimmy Rollins – Having an MRI on his right calf strain.  Mr. Obvious phoned into Razzball HQ yesterday and said, “This is not great news for Rollins owners.  Hope for the best when the test comes back tomorrow.  Remember testing negative is a positive.”  Thanks, Mr. Obvious!

Jayson Werth – Left the game with hip soreness.  After the game, he said he’ll be fine.  He obviously just wanted to scare his fantasy owners.

Placido Polanco – 2-for-4, batting .484 so far.  That’s Polanculous!

Cole Hamels – 5 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 6 Ks, only one walk.  Okay, I’m a Hamels apologist, but he didn’t really pitch that bad.  Marquis hit a cheap grounder that scored two runs and Hamels’s control looked fine.  As they say in the porn industry, you can’t help it if balls find holes.  Would I have liked a shutout?  Yeah, well, dur.

Brian Roberts – Heads to the DL.  His abdominal muscle injury appears to have hurt his back too.  Like Chipper, he too is currently an injury domino.  This isn’t a great place to be if you own him.  You really should wait for any good news before selling him.  For instance, the day before a player returns there will be a news report something like, “Roberts feels great, set to return.”  He’ll probably return and get hurt again.  But your opponents don’t need to know that.  Take that “feels great” news and turn it into something.

Justin Duchscherer – 7 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Was glad I hung onto him in one league, wish I would’ve held onto him in two leagues.  Damn you, Mike Gonzalez, making me back you up!

Luke Hochevar – 5 IP, 4 ER, 5 Ks.  It’s true, I like to be able to pronounce a guy’s name when I own them.  Nevertheless!  That’s not why I’m ignoring Hochevar… Though I’m not exactly ignoring him when I’m talking about him… Nevertheless II!  He was hit pretty hard yesterday and had some luck to come out the game with a win.

Scott Podsednik – 4-for-5, 5th steal yesterday.  SAGNOF! (Yes, two days in a row, but some people need shizz drill into their heads.)

Jose Guillen – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs, HR yesterday.  Now has three homers in two days.  You pick up players when they’re hot, you drop them when they’re not.  Took Matthew Berry a whole semester at the College of Fantasy Baseball at Charleston to say that, but the gist remains.  (Oh, and loved loved loved what Merchant Ivory did with “The Gist Remains.”  Much better than “New Delhi On Wry” in my opinion.)

Brandon Inge – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs.  Hitting .345 through the 1st week.  Last year, he hit 7 homers in April with a .319 average.  Rudy dropped Sean-Rod for Inge in one of our leagues.  I didn’t object.

Ryan Raburn – Did nothing yesterday, but he did play 2nd base.  Probably was just a day off for Sizemore, but it’s not like he’s done anything.  Then again, Raburn hasn’t done anything either.  But if Raburn can get 400 ABs, he can hit 20 HRs.

Josh Willingham – Another homer yesterday.  The other white meat!

Julio Borbon – 0-for-4, now batting .040.  I have him in a league and I agree with George Thorogood.  One Borbon, one Scotch, and one beer.

Vladimir Guerrero – Bats over .450 on the year as he stole a base yesterday.  When Vlad has a tell-all autobiography ghostwritten one day, there will be a whole chapter about how he snuck a motorized scooter onto the field to steal a base.

Nelson Cruz – Hit his fifth homer yesterday.  I wish Hamilton was smoking whatever Cruz is.

Kerry Wood – Threw a bullpen session yesterday and the Indians said they might activate Wood without him going to the minors first to rehab.  In related news…

Chris Perez – Came into the game, didn’t record an out and loaded the bases.  You think he’d have the decency to at least try and scuff the balls with his stupid frickin’ mullet!  Jensen Lewis would be the next guy in line for saves.  Member when Lawrence Taylor said his life is in the toilet and no one is flushing?  That’s how my teams have been with closers.  So, for full disclosure, I did not grab Jensen Lewis in any leagues.

Fausto Carmona – 8 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners with 4 walks and 4 Ks.  It may seem like I’m stubbornly refusing to believe in this guy, but that’s really not that good of a line.

Frank Francisco – 1 IP, no baserunners, but his 1-2-3 inning wasn’t pretty.  Balls were hit hard.  Andrus had to make a diving stop.  On the other hand — the 100 MPH hand…

Neftali Feliz – Makes me feliz to watch him throw.  Made short work of the Indians for the save.  Could have the job for a while, but you still can’t drop Frank-Frank.

Andruw Jones – Look at everyone’s surefire Hall of Famer circa 2006 hitting 2 HRs yesterday.  His play is too sporadic to have fantasy value right now outside of AL-Only leagues, but if he gets outfield eligibility then he’ll be someone to look at.

Jason Frasor – Blew the save yesterday.  I’d grab Gregg where you have room, but I do think it’s still safely Frasor’s job.  Of course that could change quickly.

Vernon Wells – Hit his fifth homer yesterday.  You can’t spell Wells without sell…  Or swell, but ignore that.

Wandy Rodriguez – 4 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners.  Obviously wasn’t a good start, but there were only 2 walks.  Yes, that’s me trying to find the positive where there wasn’t much of one.  He gets the Cubs next, a team he dominated last year.  Hopefully he can right the Wandwagon.

Jay Bruce – 2-for-4 yesterday.  People are asking me in the comments if they should pick up Bruce because someone in their league dropped him.  The universal answer is yes and set a reminder for May 15th to mock your leaguemates.

Johnny Cueto – 5 IP, 4 ER, 2 Ks.  From what I saw, he was doing a good job getting ahead of the hitters, not as good a job putting them away.  He gets the Pirates next.  If that’s not a cakewalk, we may need to reevaluate.

Scott Rolen – 3-for-5, 2 HRs.  2002 called, it wants its home runs back.

Bengie Molina – 4-for-4, HR and 4 RBIs yesterday.  Was Monday Old Timer’s Day?

Derrek Lee – Lee left the game with an inflamed thumb.   X-rays came back negative.  He’s listed as day-to-day.  In other words, D. Lee is trying to avoid the DL.

Xavier Nady - HR yesterday as he replaced Lee.  Worth grabbing in NL-Only leagues in case Lee can’t return immediately.

Carl Pavano – 6 IP, 1 ER.  Extremely solid control and it looks like his taxi cab years in New York are well in his rear view mirror.  I’d take a chance on him if you need a solid #4 fantasy starter.  Plus, Target Field looks like a pitchers’ park and a great place to get women’s dress slacks.

Reid Brignac – 2-for-4, HR yesterday.  As I said in the comments yesterday, “Sean-Rod and Brignac will share time at 2nd until one can breakout, if one can breakout.”  And that’s me quoting me!  Though Brignac is definitely looking like the one that could breakout.  Right now, neither have much value outside of AL-Only leagues if they’re platooning.

Kevin Correia – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners.  Hodgepadre!

Chase Headley – 2-for-4, batting .448 on the year.  If you’re not owning him at this point, it’s your own fault.

Will Venable – 3-for-5, HR yesterday.  He’s okay in NL-Only leagues or if you can platoon him, but he doesn’t have an every day job.

Jair Jurrjens – 3 1/3 IP, 8 ER.  The positive coming out of this start was Rudy and I came up with a new glossary term.  Smugshot:  the grinning picture posted on a baseball site that drives you nuts when the player’s underperforming.  “Why the f*** are you grinning like that Jurrjens – you just gave up an 8 spot to the Padres!  The real crime isn’t that you’re killing my team, it’s that your damn smugshot rubs it in my face.”

David Ortiz – Big Floppy lashed out at reporters saying he’s not playing with a wrist injury.  “I used to take steroids and no longer do.  I’m a Latin 34, which makes me around 38 years old.  I don’t even know my real age!  Also, do I look like I’m in good shape?  Rhetoríco!  I’m just not a good hitter anymore.  Leave it at that.”  That was me paraphrasing.  But it went sorta like that.

Miguel Montero is out with a torn meniscus.  I can think of other cuss words that his owners may be thinking right now.  A knee problem seems like a bad thing for a guy who’s supposed to be crouching for 9 innings.  Like a can’t-Catch 22.  Montero was a popular sleeper pick to enter the premium catcher tier of Mauer/Martinez/McCann after a strong 2nd half, but the only thing he’ll have in common is the M factor.  It’s unclear if he’ll be out for at least a month or longer.  Either way, Snyder now has a full time gig.  And that’s about where the good news ends.  Don’t get caught up in the Montero afterglow.  Snyder has a career .233 average in over fourteen hundred at-bats and averages about 15 homers over a full season of ABs.  So, ya know, you can probably do better even if Chris Snyder hit a homer yesterday with 5 RBIs in Arizona’s blowout (last time Arizona scored that much on Pittsburgh was the Super Bowl).  Actually, Snyder’s a surefire top 10 catcher if he gets 100 more games against the Pirates.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Frank Francisco – I go about buying closers like I buy wine.  I pick up a closer.  Swirl it around in my glass, take a quick waft and whiff then I guzzle it.  Two Buck Chuck tastes the same to me as a twenty-year-old Bordeaux.  In fact, I don’t even know if a twenty-year-old Bordeaux is good.  I’m guessing and too lazy to Google it.  I’ll drink a red wine with chicken, a Chardonnay with a Nathan all-beef frank.  Doesn’t matter to me.  Mad Dog 20/20 and ice passes the “cheap and it will get me drunk” test.  So it’s only natural I ended up with a bunch of cheap closers.  Frank-Frank was one of them.  Belch.  Frank² is out for the near future in favor of Neftali Feliz.  Could Feliz run with the job and end up having it all year?  Yup.  Frank-Frank went womp-womp.  I wouldn’t drop Francisco yet, except in the shallowest of leagues.

Ryan Zimmerman – Hamstring issue and he’s going to miss a few days.  Adam Kennedy will finally get his chance to show that his 4617 career at-bats were a fluke.

Brian Roberts – Expects to miss about a week with a strained abdominal muscle.  That’s the good news.  The bad news is it really feels like this is headed to be a mess of a season for Roberts.  First the back, now the abdominal, next you’re looking at your fantasy team in September and wondering why you ever held onto Roberts.  At the first sign of good news, I’d look to move him.

Mike Gonzalez – You know when you’re trying to do your friends a solid by giving them a ride home when they’re drunk and then they vomit in your car and your car smells like vomit for years later reminding you that it’s always better to be the drunken idiot than the designated driver?  Vomit in this case has been Mike Gonzalez’s pitching for the last week.  The car in this case has been your team ERA.  A few times on site I told you about my concerns with Gonzalez.  Managers don’t like lefties as their closer.  Jim Johnson is a must own and, unfortunately, Gonzalez is a must hold for now.  He’ll be given a few, much needed days off.

Aaron Hill – Out until early this week with a sore hammy, which sounds like Ms. Piggy right before she hi-yah’s.

Travis Snider – Looks like a three outcome player:  ground into DP, strikeout, pop-up.

Kevin Gregg – Picked up two saves this weekend because the Jays had five save chances in the last five games.  Frasor’s still the closer, but this makes it obvious who the Jays would turn to in the event Frasor losses his shizz.  But if the Jays turned to Gregg then the Jays would lose their shizz and then the closer job would be up in the air again.  Anyway, it’s still Frasor.

Roy Halladay – Zero earned runs and 8 Ks vs. an Astros lineup which featured Cory Sullivan as their three hitter.  The Astros would’ve been better off if they auto-drafted.

Brad Lidge – Hit hard in his rehab start.  Ma nishtanah…

Charlie Haeger – 6 IP, 3 ER.  He had 12 Ks, but Haegar’s day wasn’t wrinkle-free.   He throws a knuckler and you can never trust a knuckleballer.  Some days Haeger will throw 12 Ks, other days he’ll give up 7 runs in two innings.

Franklin Gutierrez – 2-for-4 as he bats .444 with 2 steals.  He’s now batting 3rd vs. lefties and 4th vs. righties.  The Big FraGu is headed for top 40 outfielder value this year.  I own him on multiple teams if that makes it less awkward for you.

Josh Willingham – 2-for-3, 5 RBIs yesterday after he was invigorated with his appearance in Friday’s Buy/Sell on the right side, which is the left.

Johan Santana – 5 IP, 5 ER, 3 Ks vs. the Nats.  Okay, the Nats are better on offensive than they’ve been, but in Metco?  Seriously?

Jeff Francoeur – 2-for-3, hitting .476 on the year.  I’m guessing that comes down.  But he’s still only 26-years-old.  If this is indeed his coming out party, it would be more shocking than Ricky Martin’s, but not completely shocking.

Chipper Jones – Glass Chipper’s return date was pushed when he hurt his back testing his strained oblique.  Chipper’s like a giant injury domino.

Clay Buchholz – 5 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 1 K as he squeaked out the win.  Wasn’t a great start vs. the Royals.  I’d hold onto him for another couple of starts and hope for the best against the Rays next time out.

Jacoby Ellsbury – Left the game with a rib injury.  Reminded me of this time I was at Tony Roma’s… Oh, wait.  Ellsbury’s day-to-day as of post time, but I won’t blink until I get an update (because I’ll be sleeping).

Scott Podsednik – 2-for-4, 2 steals.  Now has 4 steals on the year.  SAGNOF!

Jose Guillen – 2-for-4 with 2 HRs while Billy Butler had one WTF (warning track fly).

Mike Leake – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 Ks, 11 baserunners with 7 BBs.  Dusty, the Übermensch, limited Leake to 106 pitches.  Don’t think Leake can be relied on to not roofie you, but in the right matchups and deep enough leagues, I’d look at him.

Aroldis Chapman – Struck out 9 in four and two-thirds in Triple A.  Aroldis can have a 2009 Tommy Hanson-type impact when he’s called up.  Expect the phone to ring around June.

Chris Perez – 1 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, blown save.  Four walks and a wild pitch.  Hey, Mike Gonzalez, that’s not how you blow a save, this is how you blow a save.

Grady Sizemore – Scratched on Sunday due to back tightness.  See, I usually do that for back itchiness.  Sizemore should be fine this week.

Trevor Hoffman – 1 IP, 3 ER with the blown save.  I’ve had Frank-Frank, a Mike G. disjoint and Hoffman brain freezes on multiple teams.  Rub your Razzhands together and send me the strength.

Justin Verlander – 5 IP, 6 ER, 3 Ks.  Can’t someone sneak into Verlander’s hotel room and switch all his calenders to May?

Lastings Milledge – 3-for-5, but not so much about what he did yesterday.  He’s now hitting third in the lineup.  Deep leagues, you could do worse.

Kelly Johnson – HR yesterday, hitting near .400 over the first week of the season.  He’ll be batting in the top half of the order by next week.

Krispie Young – HR yesterday.  TCBY — what’s that stand for, you ask?  It stands for That’s Chris B. Young.  We’re not talking about fro-yo, yo.  Own Krispie, immediately.

Scott Kazmir – Set to return Thursday vs. the Yankees.  Guy can’t even get injured right.  He can’t have a small setback and return right after the Yankees series?

Jake Fox – Unathletic like a Fox got the start at catcher on Sunday.  Four more to go for eligibility in Yahoo leagues.  Probably will happen by mid-May.

Carlos Gonzalez – Left the game with hamstring tightness.  Jim Tracy yanked Fowler off of chatroulette and inserted him into the game.  Fowler might see more action if CarGo is a no go.

Miguel Olivo – 2-for-4 with a homer and a steal yesterday.  This came a day after Iannetta homered.  This looks like a straight timeshare with both guys getting 15+ homers and 300 ABs.  I’m running both guys out there in separate leagues.  It don’t matter, just don’t fight it.

Barry Bonds – Said he was proud of McGwire’s return to baseball.  That’s the Bad Housekeeping Seal of Approval.

Chase Headley – 2-for-4 as he bats .440 in the first week.  I’m Drooly McDroolystein for this guy right now, but the real test will come in home games.  The real test comes this week.

Chris Young – Still feels soreness in shoulder and will now go on the DL.  It’s unfortunate there’s only one doctor in the San Diego area tall enough to treat him and he’s busy doing a tonsillectomy on a giraffe at the San Diego Zoo.