You know it’s September when I’m highlighting a guy that could possibly give you maybe one week of just slightly better-than-average stats. Enter stage left, Mark Ellis. Yesterday, he went 3-for-3 with his 4th homer on the season. Is there a meh emoticon? That’s Mark Ellis. He’s a big bottle of “Um, what the hey, I’ll grab Mark Ellis.” He is the guy on waivers that, even when hot, you don’t feel like the three clicks of the mouse to pick him up are worth it. I hear ya. I’m not exactly dropping superlatives on him like I’m Donald Trump describing anything. He’s now batting near .400 in September. Don’t make me tell you to grab him every day this week. Just get him now. He’s hot. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Jason LaRue – Due to multiple kicks to the face by Johnny Lawrence Cueto, LaRue’s retiring. Cueto obviously misunderstood when so many pitchers said they’d love to face LaRue. Please, blog, may I have some more?
Chase Utley went 0-for-5 as he returned from the DL. My favorite advice by fantasy ‘perts is when they tell you to get a returning superstar into your lineup. Do people often leave their 1st round picks on the DL when they’re playing? Is this something I need to tell people? While you’re at it, get Pujols in your lineups too. Oh, and put on some pants before you get arrested. Another returning middle infielder with an oh-fer yesterday was Dustin Pedroia. Scrappy Doo fought hard to come back early, so he might not be at his usual 110%, but at, say, 80% he’s Dustin Pedro and that’s enough for me. The last man to recover from the 2010 Middle Infieluenza Epidemic was Martin Prado, who actually had some hits with a 3-for-5, 2 RBIs night. [dur] Get them all in your lineup. Please, blog, may I have some more?
Jake Peavy was walking off the field before the trainers even got to him. On a scale of bad signs, that’s around a 9. That’s on a scale of 1 to 8. The good news is it’s not his arm. It’s his dorsi muscle. Peavy’s a dolphin? Put down your noisemakers, it’s not that good of news. To paraphrase Ludacris, “Peavy back bad, Peavy not good… Peavy back don’t do stuff that yo’ back do… (Repeat chorus 17 times.)” Daniel Hudson, rocking a 3.47 ERA in a hitters’ park in the minors, could get the call if Peavy needs a DL stint. You know that guy you see when you search for Tim Hudson on the waiver wire? That’s him! He has more than a K/IP in the minors, though his control is iffy at times. He’s worth a pick up in AL-Only or deep mixed keeper leagues. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Aaron Harang – Headed to the DL with back spasms. Dusty said, “If he dies, he dies,” while wrapped in a Reds flag. Please, blog, may I have some more?
Carlos Zambrano moves to the bullpen. Whaaaa??? Oh. Wait, what? Somewhere, Dusty Baker just tipped his “Crazy Manager Move” hat to Sweet Lou. Dusty, “After Harang complained of arm soreness, I needed him for another 140 pitches the next day, so I fashioned a pitching arm out of rubber bands and a dead giraffe. Some saw that as crazy, but this Big Z move takes the cake.” Are the Cubs building a new and improved frankencloser, Carlos Zambarmol? Close game, two men on, starter’s tiring… You want Carlos Zambrano entering the game or leaving it? That’s not even rhetorical. That’s common sense, isn’t it? As Lou ever seen Zambrano pitch? This is the guy you want coming into pressure situations? Wow, what a move. I want to say there’s no way this move lasts, but Zambrano’s also not that valuable to wait it out. Lose him in fantasy like Sweet Lou lost his mind. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Alfonso Soriano – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and he hit his 2nd homer as he bats .327 on the year. He also has one more steal than Alcides Escobar. Not as glamorous as he used to be, but should get to a 25/10 year, assuming the knees he borrowed from The Mummy hold up. Please, blog, may I have some more?
How dare you. How dare you make me write a Buy for Jay Bruce. Did you forget all our pre-draft love? It’s less than two weeks into the season. People need to chillax. Here’s what Jay Bruce had to say to all his naysayers. Jay Bruce could hit 7 homers in April. Still. Before he goes streaking, go to Marshall’s and buy him some pants. You owe him that. Bruce is one of those guys that I wish would slump for another two weeks, so I can trade for him even cheaper. I will Mola Ram the Bruce right out of your team’s chest. Then I will grab a fart and Nolan Ryan it right into your skull Robin Ventura-style. As I cackle. I will cackle loudly. Hold Bruce, covet Bruce. Don’t give up on Bruce. Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Psyche! Before we jump into the players, I need to make an announcement. Our very own Rudy Gamble is getting married in a few weeks. Sorry our three lady readers, the fro’s off the market. So this weekend we’re in Vegas for his bachelor party and I’m his best man. Yes, I got him a blow up doll to carry and a uber-realistic vulva skullcap to wear all weekend. But that means I won’t be as close to a computer to answer comments until Sunday. You guys need to help each other. I know you can. Make me proud. Anyway II, here’s the post:
Jose Guillen – His last three Aprils –> 199 ABs –> 25/7/25/.211. –> Belch. This April his burps smell like he just chugged some rose water. I don’t think in October we’re going to have conversations about whether we can give Guillen an MVP even though the Royals lost a 100 games, but 30 HRs and a .280 average aren’t out of the question. Also known as, what you were hoping to get from Ludwick. Please, blog, may I have some more?
Robinson Cano hit his third and fourth homer yesterday. He’s now batting .395. This will probably sound homeless-person-crazy since we’re only 12 days into the young season, but I think Cano could win the MVP and will win the batting title. You thought Pedroia’s MVP season was nice from a fantasy standpoint? How’s .330 and 30 homers coming from your 2nd baseman? You like that? What, you want it a little higher? Okay, how’s .335? Yeah, that feels good, doesn’t it? I have Cano’s 2010 projections at 90/27/100/.315/5. Hold those numbers up to the light and they sing gospel songs that will make your ears smile. And Cano can exceed those numbers. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Carlos Gonzalez – CarGo sounds like he’ll be shipped off to the DL. Please, blog, may I have some more?
Brian Fuentes hurt himself lifting weights. Can’t he just take HGH like every other freakin’ major leaguer. Hayzeus Cristo, my closer luck has been terrible so far this year. The closerousel has made me really nauseous. Forget SAGNOF, more like CRYNOF, which acronyms to nothing but has “cry” in it. Fernando Rodney is the immediate pickup, but, if your leagues are like mine, he’s gone already. I grabbed Kevin Jepsen where I could for the chance that he might sneak in and grab a save or two. Fuentes says he’ll be back as soon as his DL stint is up, but, if Rodney runs with the job, don’t be surprise to see Scioscia call shenanigans. SABCS — Scioscia Always Be Calling Shenanigans. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Kevin Gregg – Officially takes over the closer role. Gregg will probably drop a turd nugget in his next game and lose the job back to Frasor. Please, blog, may I have some more?
Jimmy Rollins looks like he’s headed to the DL with a Grade 2 calf strain. For those non-doctors out there, that’s a calf strain that starts to learn its times tables. It hurts to lose your 2nd or 3rd round pick, but you don’t have many options here. You can’t sell him low. Assuming you need a little pick me up after getting *pinkie to mouth* decalfeinated, some MIs that are out there are McGehee, Furcal, Desmond, EverCab and O-Cab. They provide different things, but I like them to varying degrees, in that order. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Adeiny Hechavarria – Say that name fast one time! The Jays signed the 21-year-old Cuban defector. Defect had more going it against than any other word, yet the Cubans turned it into a positive. Sorta the same journey the word “special” took, but in the reverse. Hechavarria probably won’t be called up until the end of this year at the earliest. Not simply because no one can pronounce his name. (For those perfectionists out there, it’s Ah-THEY-nee Eh-CHA-bah-ree-ah.) (BTW, I always use the spellchecker when typing perfectionist. Discuss that amongst yourselves.) He’s still very raw, but in time they are likening Ah-THEY-nee to a young Alfonso Soriano. Not sure if “they” are saying a young Soriano means a Latin 21 or a Latin 25. I’d look at him in keepers, but league depth has a lot to do with your sitch. Please, blog, may I have some more?
Sometimes when a player gets hurt, I feel bad if I told you to buy into them. I’m like, “Shove your emotions into your cankles, you sissy!” Alas, my inner Native American watching someone litter in a 70′s commercial comes out. A tear forms in my eye and rolls into my mustache. Then I leave it there to remind me of my fallen fantasy baseball comrades. This mustache holds a lot of tears. But when a player that I warned you against like Aaron Hill heads off to the DL with tightness in his hamstring, I do a little dance like MC Skat Cat. You know the kid in high school that wore a helmet all day that you used to make fun of? Okay, now remember when you were alone in the hallway and that same kid walk passed you and you said hello to him because no one else was around? Today, that kid is Aaron Hill’s owners. Save your ridicule until their back is turned. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Jimmy Rollins – Having an MRI on his right calf strain. Mr. Please, blog, may I have some more?
Miguel Montero is out with a torn meniscus. I can think of other cuss words that his owners may be thinking right now. A knee problem seems like a bad thing for a guy who’s supposed to be crouching for 9 innings. Like a can’t-Catch 22. Montero was a popular sleeper pick to enter the premium catcher tier of Mauer/Martinez/McCann after a strong 2nd half, but the only thing he’ll have in common is the M factor. It’s unclear if he’ll be out for at least a month or longer. Either way, Snyder now has a full time gig. And that’s about where the good news ends. Don’t get caught up in the Montero afterglow. Snyder has a career .233 average in over fourteen hundred at-bats and averages about 15 homers over a full season of ABs. So, ya know, you can probably do better even if Chris Snyder hit a homer yesterday with 5 RBIs in Arizona’s blowout (last time Arizona scored that much on Pittsburgh was the Super Bowl). Actually, Snyder’s a surefire top 10 catcher if he gets 100 more games against the Pirates. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Frank Francisco – I go about buying closers like I buy wine. I pick up a closer. Swirl it around in my glass, take a quick waft and whiff then I guzzle it. Two Buck Chuck tastes the same to me as a twenty-year-old Bordeaux. In fact, I don’t even know if a twenty-year-old Bordeaux is good. I’m guessing and too lazy to Google it. I’ll drink a red wine with chicken, a Chardonnay with a Nathan all-beef frank. Doesn’t matter to me. Mad Dog 20/20 and ice passes the “cheap and it will get me drunk” test. So it’s only natural I ended up with a bunch of cheap closers. Frank-Frank was one of them. Belch. Frank2 is out for the near future in favor of Neftali Feliz. Could Feliz run with the job and end up having it all year? Yup. Frank-Frank went womp-womp. I wouldn’t drop Francisco yet, except in the shallowest of leagues. Please, blog, may I have some more?