Fantasy Baseball Advice

You know it’s September when I’m highlighting a guy that could possibly give you maybe one week of just slightly better-than-average stats.  Enter stage left, Mark Ellis. Yesterday, he went 3-for-3 with his 4th homer on the season.  Is there a meh emoticon?  That’s Mark Ellis.  He’s a big bottle of “Um, what the hey, I’ll grab Mark Ellis.”  He is the guy on waivers that, even when hot, you don’t feel like the three clicks of the mouse to pick him up are worth it.  I hear ya.  I’m not exactly dropping superlatives on him like I’m Donald Trump describing anything.  He’s now batting near .400 in September.  Don’t make me tell you to grab him every day this week.  Just get him now.  He’s hot.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Jason LaRue – Due to multiple kicks to the face by Johnny Lawrence Cueto, LaRue’s retiring.  Cueto obviously misunderstood when so many pitchers said they’d love to face LaRue.

Travis Wood – 6 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Had some unfounded concerns for this start.  He goes to Petco next.  I’d get Wood.  I mean… No, that’s what I mean.

Chris Johnson – 2-for-3 with his third homer in the last ten games.  Compared to, say, Kung Fu Panda, Johnson looks like Mike Schmidt.

Michael Bourn – Out with an oblique strain.  Sounds like he might be sidelined until late in the week, at least.  It’s The Bourn Calamity.

Joe Blanton – 6 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Really deserved the win in this one.  Not Blanton.  Me!  I deserved it.  I can’t believe I’m going to lose leagues because I can’t buy a win.

Jayson Werth – 3-for-5 with the South Philly special slam & legs.  BTW, Jayson Werth seems way more likely to know and/or talk to Turtle instead of Ryan Howard.  You know, Turtle from that show you watch that you have no idea why you watch.

Mark Teixeira – Who has one sore thumb?  This guy!

Andy Pettitte – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Nice start for a guy who hasn’t toed the major league rubber in two months.  The problem, he gets the Red Sox next.  I wouldn’t go near that start in most leagues.

Luke Scott – 2-for-3 with his 27th homer.  If he hits one homer, he always hits another homer within the week.  The preceding was off of memory and no actual facts.

Joe Mauer – Has a jammed knee and is day-to-day, which is day-o to day-o in Jamaica.

Francisco Liriano – 5 IP, 5 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks vs. the A’s.  This should’ve been an easy start for Liriano.  An easy start!  Grrr…

Shin-Soo Choo – 2-for-4 with his 4th homer in three games.  He reminds me of a slightly younger, much more Korean Bobby Abreu.

Bobby Abreu – Speaking of the 20/20 machine, Abreu hit two homers yesterday to bring his line to 83/20/75/.255/21 for one of those joyless 20/20 campaigns.

Fernando Rodney – Blew the save on Saturday and the Sciosciapath said, “”I have a lot of confidence in Fernando. One got away tonight, unfortunately. But we’re comfortable with the guys out there to hold leads. It’s not going to happen all the time.”  So, of course, Jordan Walden got the save on Sunday.  In fairness to Scioscia, Rodney had pitched two days in a row.

Mike Napoli – Out with a forearm strain that occurred from his constant pulling for playing time.

Chris Narveson – 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER, 8 baserunners, 1 K.  If it’s any consolation, it’s obviously not the best of luck when you give up six earned and only 8 baserunners.

Barry Enright – Uncle Barry is shutdown for the season.  Should free him up to tell bawdy jokes and complain about his wife’s cooking.

Daniel Hudson – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks.  On the Diamondbacks, his WHIP is under 1 and his ERA is 1.65 in 71 innings with 65 Ks.  Yeah, that’s better than that other pitcher you’re thinking of.  And that one.

Adrian Beltre – Out with a sore wrist, but I’m guessing he’ll be playing Monday.  Wild horses on speed (like in the underrated Ted Danson/Howie Mandel-starrer, A Fine Mess) couldn’t keep Beltre out for an extended period of time during a contract year.

J.D. Drew – Hit his 19th homer yesterday.  He’s actually pulled off the rare feat of hitting 19 homers and not once getting hot enough for an extended period of time to be usable in fantasy.

Jon Lester – 7 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Now has a 3.06 ERA on the year and more Ks than IP.  I’ll admit it, I kinda love Lester.

Phil Coke – 1/3 IP, 4 ER.  Before getting rocked, Leyland said, until Valverde is ready to go, he’ll be going with Coke.  Ron Washington said that’s a good move.  After getting rocked, I don’t think it’ll be that clear cut.  Perry could see some saves.

Tommy Hunter – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 1 K.  I’m not a huge Hunter fan, but he gets the A’s and M’s as his final two starts.  That ain’t bad.

Jose Guillen – 2-for-4, 6 RBIs.  He was almost the lead for this post and I think you should grab him as the hot outfielder off of waivers.  He’s hitting near .400 over the last week with two homers.  Trust me, pick him up.

Derek Lowe – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Lowe’s been pitching well of late and he gets the Nats next.  I’d grab him.

Jeff Samardzija – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. the Marlins and pitched well against the Cards his last time out, the same Cards he gets again in his next start.  It’s still not an advisable start with his 7 BBs to 5 Ks in his last two starts.

Welington Castillo – 2-for-4 with his first career homer.  Showed some power in Iowa, but he’s a hacker that could be a .220 hitter.  He’ll probably split time with Koyie Hill and isn’t worth picking up unless he gets crazy hot or you’re just crazy crazy.

Tyler Colvin – Will miss the rest of the season after being impaled by a broken bat.  He should be fine, confirming he is not a vampire.

Geovany Soto – Out for the season with shoulder surgery.  The Koyie Hill Fan Club, that affectionately refers to itself as The Koy Pond, celebrated his potential increase in playing time at Coyote Ugly but in the Evite they cheekily called it Koyie Ugly.

Chase Utley went 0-for-5 as he returned from the DL.  My favorite advice by fantasy ‘perts is when they tell you to get a returning superstar into your lineup.  Do people often leave their 1st round picks on the DL when they’re playing?  Is this something I need to tell people?  While you’re at it, get Pujols in your lineups too.  Oh, and put on some pants before you get arrested.  Another returning middle infielder with an oh-fer yesterday was Dustin Pedroia.  Scrappy Doo fought hard to come back early, so he might not be at his usual 110%, but at, say, 80% he’s Dustin Pedro and that’s enough for me.  The last man to recover from the 2010 Middle Infieluenza Epidemic was Martin Prado, who actually had some hits with a 3-for-5, 2 RBIs night.  [dur] Get them all in your lineup. [/dur]  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jacoby Ellsbury – Has a fractured rib.  Sounds like he’s donezo.  Just think, all the frustration you put up with this year owning him was your sacrifice for everyone who gets him cheaper next year.  Good karma to you.

Ryan Kalish – 1-for-4 with a grand slam.  With the D’Ellsbury situation, Kalish will play every day and he’s hitting .300 with 2 homers in 15 games.

Omar Infante – 2-for-4 with a steal even with Prado returning.  As predicted here (after I talked to my psychic), Infante is continuing to play (and hit).

Mike Minor – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  His changeup is nasty.  Don’t make me break up the word to emphasize it.  All right, fine!  His changeup is… Nas.  Tee.  He made Zimmerman look silly on a few pitches.  He won’t be in the rotation forever, but I’d own him while he’s there.  Get all over him in keepers.

Josh Willingham – The other white meat is out for the season with what they’re calling a bum knee.  Was he sleeping in a cardboard box?

Mike Leake – Heading to the bullpen to limit his innings this year.  But can’t Dusty now throw him every day?  Hmm…

Luke French – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Don’t even think about picking him up.  This was as good as it baguettes with French.

Matt Tuiasosopo – 2-for-4 with a homer.  Not much to see here other than the best last name that you can’t pronounce.

Curtis Granderson – 1-for-3 with his 2nd homer in four games after going 3-for-3 yesterday.  I’m a bit worried about even mentioning him because I know if you still own him, he’s probably on your bench.  If he’s in your lineup, you probably aren’t reading this.

Austin Jackson – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer.  I’ll be honest; I didn’t even think he’d be batting .300 as late as May 15th and he’s still at .302.  But, potatoes to chips, he’s also putting up 2nd baseman-ish numbers.

Brandon Morrow – 4 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks.  Okay, so maybe he was still a little spent from his last game.

Coco Crisp – 3-for-4 with 2 steals.  Now has 18 steals in 46 games.  Member when Billy Beane was against steals?  Or maybe that was Brad Pitt.

Hisanori Takahashi – Jerry Manuel said Takahashi will be his closer.  He said that yesterday.  Obviously it could change tomorrow.  For now, Au Bon Japan!

Kila Ka’aihue – Had his 2nd 2-for-4 game in a row yesterday.  Not worth grabbing outside of deep leagues yet, but I’m watching him.

Gregor Blanco – 2-for-4 with his 4th steal in the last four games (though 3 of them came in one game).  The Royals are playing him and he might be trying to prove his worth on the basepaths.

Wilson Betemit – 2-for-4 with his 2nd homer in his last three games.  It’s feast or famine for a lot of these peasant Royals.

Pat Burrell – Hit his 11th homer after the Philly fans gave him a standing ovation.  I’d say it was a classy move, but I think it was “If You Slept With Pat The Bat You Get In For Free Night.”

Jose Guillen – 2-for-4 with his first homer as a Giant.  Poor Andres Torres has to play the entire outfield.

Angel Pagan – Was benched yesterday for Fernando Martinez because of Pagan’s extended slump.  In non-keeper leagues, it might be time to thank Pagan for his services and start looking elsewhere.

Ricky Nolasco – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Is it already that time of the year where he gets everyone’s hopes up for next year?  Prepare yourself for this March commenter, “Grey, check it, brah.  Nolasco’s sick.  March commenter out!”

Logan Morrison – 2-for-5, now hitting .400 in the last 7 games.  This is just my weekly check-in to say Morrison’s hitting for everything but power and the power will come.

Eric Young Jr. – 2-for-3 with 2 steals.  The Rockies announced that Young will be playing every day and hitting leadoff.  That’s an immediate add across the board where you need steals from a middle infielder, which I imagine is just about everyone.

Jhoulys Chacin – 5 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks.  He looked rusty then he got nailed.  I’d give Chacin another chance or at least hold him for another start on your bench.  Or you can just grab…

Daniel Hudson – 7 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners (zero walks), 10 Ks.  Now has a 2.12 ERA in four starts since joining the Diamondbacks and 41 Ks in 45 1/3 innings.  In his upcoming starts, he’ll get the Rockies in Arizona, Giants, Astros and Giants again.  Looks good to me.

Will Venable – Member last week when I mentioned Venable in the SAGNOF post about cheap guys who can give steals?  No?  I don’t really either.  Neverthehoo!  Venable has 3 steals in his last two games and 5 in the last ten games.

Randy Wells – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Wells’ last four starts have gone like this… Quality start, 6 earned runs in 5 innings, quality start, 6 earned runs in 4 innings.  So that leads to… Ooh, Wells pitched great, I’m going to grab him.  Then you put him in for the 6 earned run game.  Dah!!!  So you bench him for his next quality start.  Then you think he’s fine and you put him back in there for the next shellacking.  Wells hates you.  Don’t shoot the messenger.

Matt Garza – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 10 Ks.  Another extravaGarza!  He’s been a rich man’s Wells for the last month as he alternates good and bad starts, as well.

Wilton Lopez – Astros’ General Mills said before yesterday’s game that Brandon Lyon would be the closer moving forward.  Naturally, Wilton Lopez gets the save.  Lopez hasn’t been bad this year and might get some saves here and there.  Brandon Lyon would still be my pickup if I were vulturing for saves.

Hunter Pence – 2-for-4 with 2 homers.  I feel like I haven’t talked much about Pence this year, but he’s been a solid #3 fantasy outfielder.  18 homers, 15 steals while batting .287.  I’ve seen shabbier.  Oh, and he’s hitting .455 over the last week.

Jim Thome – 3-for-5 and his 4th homer in the last week.  He could retire, return at 50 years old and still hit 20 homers.  If he didn’t have to walk back and forth to the plate, he’d probably hit 25 homers.  All that walking is for young folk.

Colby Rasmus – Out with a calf strain, won’t be back until Friday.  La Russa must be terribly upset about that strained calf.  Hopefully PETA talks him down.

Jake Peavy was walking off the field before the trainers even got to him.  On a scale of bad signs, that’s around a 9.  That’s on a scale of 1 to 8.  The good news is it’s not his arm.  It’s his dorsi muscle.  Peavy’s a dolphin?  Put down your noisemakers, it’s not that good of news.  To paraphrase Ludacris, “Peavy back bad, Peavy not good… Peavy back don’t do stuff that yo’ back do… (Repeat chorus 17 times.)”  Daniel Hudson, rocking a 3.47 ERA in a hitters’ park in the minors, could get the call if Peavy needs a DL stint.  You know that guy you see when you search for Tim Hudson on the waiver wire?  That’s him!  He has more than a K/IP in the minors, though his control is iffy at times.  He’s worth a pick up in AL-Only or deep mixed keeper leagues.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Aaron Harang – Headed to the DL with back spasms.  Dusty said, “If he dies, he dies,” while wrapped in a Reds flag.

Yovani Gallardo – To the DL with an oblique strain.  Won’t be back until the end of the month as YoGa tries to get stretched out.  Namaste.

Brad Penny – I faintly remember him pitching this year.  He was good, wasn’t he?  He was shut down during a simulated game, experiencing more soreness.  Can’t Dave Duncan rub his hands together and touch the pain?

Felipe Lopez – 2-for-5 with a homer as he hits near .450 in the last week.  Or “For Fiddy,” if you’re sending a care package to the G-Unit.

Ryan Franklin – 1/3 IP, 6 ER.  Ouch… Wait, what?  Oh.  Ow.

Edwin Encarnacion – 3-for-4 with a homer.  All he does is hit (when he’s first called up then disappears into oblivion).

Delmon Young – 3-for-3.  Now hitting over .400 in July after a .320 June.  Know what would be nice?  If he were batting higher than 8th.

Carl Pavano – 6 1/3 IP, 6 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks.  That, sir, is no line from a man with a mustache.  Shave immediately!

Joe Mauer – 1-for-4 with his 4th homer.  His homer totals from 2005 to 2009 were:  9, 13, 7, 9, 28.  Does one number look off?  Yeah, well how come you didn’t listen when February Grey told you that?

Clayton Richard – 6 IP, 5 ER, 13 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Thursday’s afternoon post was going to be about how Clay-T Richard, along with a bunch of other SPs, were pitching over their head.  Consider this a preview.

Mat Latos – Here’s Bud Black for the last three months.  Latos won’t be limited, won’t be limited, won’t be limited, then yesterday he said he’d probably be limited.

Ryan Zimmerman – 3-for-4 with 2 homers after he took the better part of June off.  I missed your touch, Black Keys.

Jayson Nix – Hit his 4th homer in the last four games.  If you’re struggling to catch a spark at MI, I’d grab Nix and ride the heat.

Johan Santana – 9 IP, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks and a homer.  This year Johan has one homer every 30 ABs.  Jason Bay has a homer every 50 ABs.  Cust kayin’.

Jose Reyes – 2-for-4 as he returned to action.  He was running hard, not favoring any side (back?) pain.

Matt Diaz – 3-for-5.  It’s Dye-as.  Lefty killer.  Anyone who’s read this site for a long time knows that I’ve always liked Diaz as a platoon outfielder. (Play him against his strong side, sit vs. weak side.  Rinse, repeat.)

Wandy Rodriguez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks.  For a while, it was touch and go while it looked like Brian Moehler was ghost riding the Wandwagon, but now it looks like he’s back.

Carlos Lee – Hit a homer yesterday along with Lance Berkman.  Must’ve been throwback night at The Juicebox.  Did Jeff Bagwell throw out the first pitch underhanded because of a hurt shoulder?

Jeff Niemann – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  He shouldn’t be pitching this well.  If you’ve heard that before, it’s because I’ve written it before.

Kosuke Fukudome – Hit his 2nd homer in 2 games.  Here’s what I wrote yesterday, “…he gets crazy hot for a week or two at a time.”  And that’s me copying and pasting me!

Aramis Ramirez – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and 2 homers.  Too bad anyone in their right mind has either dropped or benched him by now.

Aaron Heilman – 1 IP, 2 ER.  I’d say Kazaam!, but Kirk Gibson went into a press conference the other day fist pumping and said, “I have no idea who the closer is.  Maybe it’s Qualls, maybe it’s that lady in the front row of all the games that had me sign her breast.  These things haven’t been decided yet.”  I think Qualls gets first look, then Front Row Lady.

Alex Rodriguez – 2-for-3 with 2 homers.  On pace for 120 RBIs, less than 30 homers and like no steals.  Feels like he still hasn’t had one crazy hot streak, so he can easily bump up his numbers to 35 homers and 10 steals.  In other words, same shizz, different year.

Jose Guillen – Left the game with an injury, probably will head to the DL.  Maybe the Royals can now trade him for Mike Jacobs.

Wilson Betemit – 3-for-4 and his 4th homer in 19 games.  The Royals are playing him, as they should.  You should consider it too.

Jhoulys Chacin – 3 IP, 4 ER in middle relief as he makes room for de la Rosa, who’s due back this Friday.  In NL-Only leagues and deep keepers, I’d hold Yo-lease with his nasty K/9.

Chris Iannetta – Now has 3 homers in his last six games.  Unfortunately, those six games are separated by 11 days.  From the files of Sad, But True:  Iannetta has only one less homer than Wieters.

Seth Smith – 3-for-4 with his 12th homer.  Putting together a nice year as long as you sit him vs. lefties.  Ooh, I know!  Trade Matt Diaz to the Rockies and let him platoon with Smith.

Vicente Padilla – After a typical start, after a 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 Ks start.

Matt Kemp – 2-for-5 with a home run and two steals.  Or as it’s more commonly known, a slam & legs.

Alex Rios – 1-for-3 with a home run.  I told you to sell him at the very end of May.  In June, 2 homers and 5 steals with a .297 average.  In July, 1 homer and 1 steal with a .176 average.  So 3 homers and 6 steals with a .280 average.  I think we can agree there’s guys with less name value giving you the same.

Madison Bumgarner – 8 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks vs. the Brewers who have only scored three runs in the last three games.  Mad-Bum’s pitching better than I thought he would.  I’d absolutely grab him in mixed leagues, but you run the risk of getting roofied at any point.

Miguel Cabrera – Hit his 21st homer as he took a late hit off The Sauce.  Alfredo, that is.

Armando Galarraga – Sent to the minors.  I wonder if he’ll drive his Corvette.

Felix Pie – 2-for-6 in his return to the lineup.  So what’s to like about Pie?  Well, the weird guy in the overalls at The Home Depot is not the only one who’s toolsy.  Pie is a speed and power combo guy.  He’s just not quite that powerful or that, um, speedful.  In AL-Only and deep mixed leagues, I’d take a flyer.

Chris Tillman – Should replace the DL’d Millwood.  Tillman started 4 games earlier this year and gave up 14 earned runs in 15 innings with his worst start coming in San Fran.  I wouldn’t pick up Tillman with your team.

Nick Markakis – 5 HRs, 2 SBs on the year.  Evidently, he’s a hypochondriakakis and gleaned from Luke Scott and Brian Roberts that hitting HRs and stealing bases leads to injuries.

Kevin Youkilis – Left the game with ankle pain after clearing the plate with his foot.  The last Red Sox that got hurt clearing the plate was Sam Horn who pulled his abdomen partaking in a pie-eating contest.

Carlos Zambrano moves to the bullpen.  Whaaaa???  Oh.  Wait, what?  Somewhere, Dusty Baker just tipped his “Crazy Manager Move” hat to Sweet Lou.  Dusty, “After Harang complained of arm soreness, I needed him for another 140 pitches the next day, so I fashioned a pitching arm out of rubber bands and a dead giraffe.  Some saw that as crazy, but this Big Z move takes the cake.”  Are the Cubs building a new and improved frankencloser, Carlos Zambarmol?  Close game, two men on, starter’s tiring… You want Carlos Zambrano entering the game or leaving it?  That’s not even rhetorical.  That’s common sense, isn’t it?  As Lou ever seen Zambrano pitch?  This is the guy you want coming into pressure situations?  Wow, what a move.  I want to say there’s no way this move lasts, but Zambrano’s also not that valuable to wait it out.  Lose him in fantasy like Sweet Lou lost his mind.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Alfonso Soriano – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and he hit his 2nd homer as he bats .327 on the year.  He also has one more steal than Alcides Escobar.  Not as glamorous as he used to be, but should get to a 25/10 year, assuming the knees he borrowed from The Mummy hold up.

Carlos Silva – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks.  I’m convinced, Silva is the smoke monster.

Jose Guillen – Hit his 6th homer yesterday.  He’s on pace for 64.8 homers.  What a joke.  You can’t hit eight tenths of a homer.  Everyone knows that.

Zack Greinke – 7 IP, 2 ER, 3 baserunners, 8 Ks with the no decision.  The first and only trade Rudy and I did with each other was me sending him Melky Cabrera for Zack Greinke.  It was in 2008, so it wasn’t as obnoxiously awesome as it might sound.  Though, it was close.  The Razzball Glossary term that evolved from that trade was Greinke’d, as in “Rudy got Greinke’d!”  After about a year of me mocking Rudy, the term was removed from the glossary because it became archaic (and Rudy cried).  Now I propose the return of Greinke’d, but with a new, alternative definition.  When a pitcher throws a gem, but gets a no decision he’s been Greinke’d.  Roll it around on your tongue, see how it feels.

Alex Gordon – Hit the game-winning homer yesterday.  Every time I try to get out, Alex Gordon pulls me back in.  Please, someone stop me from picking him up.

Alex Gonzalez – Staying in the Alex genre, Gonzalez hit his 5th homer yesterday.  Worth riding the coaster until the bottom falls out?  Sure.

Rafael Furcal – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs, 3 Runs and a steal.  Furcal:  Resurrection.

Matt Kemp – Hit his 7th homer.  Hey, 30/30, what’s up?  Say hello to your mother for me.

Neftali Feliz – I think he can probably throw 12 no-hit innings.  That is all.

Julio Borbon – 3-for-5, should’ve been 4-for-5 if the scorer didn’t botch a call, and a steal.  Borbon will appear in tomorrow’s Buy/Sell, but you might want to buy him now.  Cust kayin’.

Josh Hamilton – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and a home run.  Finally, the 2008 Home Run Derby jinx ends.

Darnell McDonald – Hit another homer.  Maybe he’s this year’s Randy Ruiz.  Hits 7 homers then transforms back into Nadir Bupkus.

Josh Beckett – 7 IP, 7 ER, 12 baserunners, 4 Ks.  I wouldn’t panic, Red State Jeter always has a few games like this.

Brian Fuentes – 2/3 IP, 2 ER, Blown Save.  Welcome back!  I wouldn’t drop Rodney until you see a clean save.

Mark Ellis – Placed on the 15-day D’Ellist.  Okay, I’ll stop.

Placido Polanco – Left the game after getting hit by a Tim Hudson pitch on the elbow.  Somewhere, Shawn Michaels’ elbow says, “Pfft.”

Roy Halladay – 9 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Halladay was Rudy’s preseason NL Cy Young choice.  Rudy’s right.  Halladay’s pitching so well it makes me wonder how many more Wins and awards he’d have if he had pitched in the NL East for the last 7 years.

Cliff Lee – The Adverb is set to return on April 30th.  Hopeful Lee.

Yovani Gallardo – 5 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks.  Imagine if this guy could go 9 innings.

Carlos Gonzalez – 4-for-5 and a steal. But, hey, Billy Beane got Matt Holliday.

Jason Marquis – The Marquis de Shat heads to the Disgraceful List.  His home away from home.

Ryan Zimmerman – Left the game with a hamstring injury similar to the one he suffered last week.  A bad pattern is emerging.  If he continues to have hamstring injuries on again, off again all year, it could really hurt his numbers.  Probably best if he just sits out for a week.  The preceding sentence was my attempt to put the correct move out in the cosmos for the Nats.  We’ll see if The Secret works.

Nick Hundley – Hit his 2nd homer as he bats .265.  He’s my Fantasy Razzball catcher, that is supposed to give me the worst stats, and he’s actually out hitting most of my real teams’ catchers.  I should be fingercuffing him.  Yeah, that sounds wrong.

Francisco Liriano – 8 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks.  In the Yahoo Friends and Family League (I think I’m in the former group, but I haven’t seen one of my uncles in about 12 years.  Unkie Funston?  Could be.), Rudy and I traded Jenks for Maybin and Francisco Liriano.  You can’t make this stuff up.  No, really, you can’t.  The league is public.  You’d know if I were lying.

Grady Sizemore – 0-for-4 as he bats .191.  After seeing his sexting photo, I didn’t think Sizemore could do anything more degradying this year.  He might be proving me wrong.

Sean Rodriguez – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs and his first homer.  You know that guy you drop that immediately starts hitting?  Could be Sean-Rod.  Lord knows Zobrist isn’t hitting anything.

Wade Davis – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Let’s jump in the hot tub time machine and see what I said in the starter rankings, “The nice thing about Davis is he may actually give you close to a complete season (200 innings).  The bad is his walks haven’t been great.”  And that’s me quoting me!  So far, he’s been pretty on point.  17 innings, 13 Ks, 11 BBs and a 2.65 ERA.  There could be some ugliness down the road, but he definitely has the talent to keep his ERA around 3.50.

Jerry Blevins – Left the game with an injury.  Oh, no.  The Beav!

Chad Qualls – 1/3 IP, 3 ER.  I went back to the last Closer Look and counted five comments questioning Qualls in the Brain Freeze section.  *Grey shrugs*  I grabbed Gutierrez again in three leagues.

Colby Rasmus -3-for-4, 3 RBIs, 2 home runs.  20/20′s not out of the question.

Phil Hughes – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 1 Hit, 10 Ks.  He actually flirted with a no-hitter without injuring himself!

Aaron Harang – 5 2/3 IP, 12 baserunners, 6 ER.  Rocco Dispirito’s Mom called.  She wants her meatballs back.

How dare you.  How dare you make me write a Buy for Jay Bruce.  Did you forget all our pre-draft love?  It’s less than two weeks into the season.  People need to chillax.  Here’s what Jay Bruce had to say to all his naysayers.  Jay Bruce could hit 7 homers in April.  Still.   Before he goes streaking, go to Marshall’s and buy him some pants.  You owe him that.  Bruce is one of those guys that I wish would slump for another two weeks, so I can trade for him even cheaper.  I will Mola Ram the Bruce right out of your team’s chest.  Then I will grab a fart and Nolan Ryan it right into your skull Robin Ventura-style.  As I cackle.  I will cackle loudly.  Hold Bruce, covet Bruce.  Don’t give up on Bruce.  Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:

Psyche!  Before we jump into the players, I need to make an announcement.  Our very own Rudy Gamble is getting married in a few weeks.  Sorry our three lady readers, the fro’s off the market.  So this weekend we’re in Vegas for his bachelor party and I’m his best man.  Yes, I got him a blow up doll to carry and a uber-realistic vulva skullcap to wear all weekend.  But that means I won’t be as close to a computer to answer comments until Sunday.  You guys need to help each other.  I know you can.  Make me proud.  Anyway II, here’s the post:

BUY

Jose Guillen – His last three Aprils –>  199 ABs  –> 25/7/25/.211.  –> Belch.  This April his burps smell like he just chugged some rose water.  I don’t think in October we’re going to have conversations about whether we can give Guillen an MVP even though the Royals lost a 100 games, but 30 HRs and a .280 average aren’t out of the question.  Also known as, what you were hoping to get from Ludwick.

Jeff Francoeur – He’s only 26, he’s taking walks and Frenchy’s hitting freedom flies.

Krispie Young – Also 26 years old, also taking walks (okay, only 2 as of this writing) and hitting Krispie flies.

Magglio Ordonez – Getting hits like he just dropped his debut album, Maggystyle.  She want the Maggy with the biggest cuts, and guess what?  He is Mags, and Mags is him.  Alas, I’m fully expecting him to start sucking soon.  Could’ve easily been in the Sell section, but really who’s buying this schmohawk.  Make a record of his label, “Own While Hitting.”

Josh Willingham – Went over him in last week’s Buy/Sell.  All Buy/Sells are located on the left sidebar.  No, your other left.

Seth Smith – Doesn’t his name seem like it should be the name for an unknown corpse?  Coincidentally, that’s how well he’s hitting too.  He’s worth a chance in deep leagues while he has every day time.

Scott Podsednik – It’s like this Buy post just hopped out of the hot tub time machine.  Who’s next, Kevin Gregg? Aw, geez…

Kevin Gregg – Here’s the thing with closers and, frankly, I’d write this on my forehead.  If guys are getting saves, you should own them.  In two months, if Gregg has 15 saves and still rocking a solid ERA, you can trade him for a much bigger piece than you’re getting off of waivers.  Wow, guess that’s a lot to write on your forehead.  How about you just write “SAGNOF!”

Fernando Rodney – Member what I wrote back in the Gregg blurb?  It still applies.

Jim Johnson – Same shizz, different blurb.

Jensen Lewis – A familiar pattern has emerged and here comes a filial pattern.

Ty Wigginton – Hey, it’s Casey McGehee Sr.

Casey McGehee – What’s up, Dad?!

Ryan Theriot – It’s me, your cousin.  Ryan.  Ryan Theriot.  The one with speed.  Oh, well.

Alcides Escobar – People really need to give this guy a bit more time.  The steals can come in a hurry.

Carl Pavano – I’d like to say he’s crizzap just as much as you, but his walk rate has me ignoring my past prejudices.   Is he the rebirth of slick?  Nah, Doodlebug.  But sometimes stability’s cool like dat.

Justin Masterson – Already went over him numerous times in the last few days.  You’re following along.  I don’t need to say anything else, right?

Justin Duchscherer – Total Bennis Carpensheeter.  His career numbers over 439 2/3 innings are a 3.15 ERA and 1.12 WHIP.  Why’s he owned in only 4.2% of ESPN leagues?  Your guess = My guess.

Brad Penny – Duncan just pulled a Penny from behind your ear.  Abracadabra, snitches!

C.J. Wilson – Ceej has always sported a nice K-rate.  Not crazy about Texas pitchers, but I’d give him a shot in the right matchups.  (Yes, I called him Ceej.  Yes, that’s lame.)

Ricky Romero – I really hate AL East pitchers not named… Well, you know the ones I like.  Here’s what happens, you don’t start Romero vs. the Sawx and he pitches well.  Then he faces the Orioles and they manage to hit him.  Then he throws against the Yankees and you second guess benching him and he gets hit again.  Before you know it you’re writing mission statements, getting fired, flipping out, taking a goldfish and a single mom to start your own business.  Only you’re not half as handsome as Tom Cruise, don’t know the first thing about business and the single mom has an ex with a neck tattoo who likes to booze with breakfast.

SELL

Scott Sizemore – This isn’t a sell as much as a time to move on.  It was a nice try for some *pinkie to mouth* upsize.  But it’s not working.  Let him figure out how to hit major league pitching on someone else’s dime.  If he starts hitting at some point, he’ll be out there for your grabby hands.

Sean Rodriguez – He needs to play every day and actually hit to warrant ownership.  I’ve lost him in numerous leagues.  To warn you though, I will be the first to say grab him if he does start hitting.  For now, go with a hot hitting MI.

Fausto Carmona – Name the movie:  “I can’t believe you fell for the oldest trick in the book!  What a goof.  What’s with you man?  C’mon!”  Using Google is officially cheating.

Chris Carpenter – I know, blasphemy!  Everyone loves Carpenter.  He’s a grinder.  He is blue collar.  I am, Carpenter.  Rawr!  Get away from me documentary filmmakers, I’m eating dolphin babies.  I am, Carpenter.  Yeah, it’s all terrific.  He has a pretty lengthy track record of solid pitching.  His injury track record is as lengthy.  I say there’s a 50% chance of a breakdown this year.  His strikeouts are just okay.  I’m not saying sell him for an expired Capri Sun coupon, but I’d listen to offers.