Ladies and Gentlemen, Your Toronto Lue Ays
Much like a newly married female, the Blue Jays have dropped BJ from the active roster. Imagine this scenario. You walk into your fro-yo distribution job, say what’s up to your TCBY manager who’s twelve years younger than you, open up the jimmies container and proceed to flip them, one at a time, at your manager’s head. Timothy asks you politely to stop. You politely give him a wedgie. Naturally, he fires you. Then you collect your salary for the next year. Man, the life of a terrible baseball player may be better than the life of a marginal one who has to play every day. B.J. Ryan was released yesterday. Now he has more time to count his money. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Wandy Rodriguez – 9 IP, 0 ER, 11 Ks. In fairness to those who don’t own him, this was an easy matchup. For those that do own him, yee-haw!
Rafael Soriano – Now has more saves than Mike Gonzalez and more vowels than Rzepczynski.
Kevin Hart – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 walks. Belch.
Kenshin Kawakami - 6 IP, 1 ER. His last start he went 4 1/3 IP and 4 earned vs. the Nats. I can’t imagine a scenario where Kawakami is not a risky start. Whether the matchups are favorable or not.
Troy Tulowitzki – 3-for-4, with his 14th homer yesterday. He trails only Ben Zobrist in most homers by a shortstop. He also trails Zobrist in awesomeness, but ya’ll knew that.
Manny Parra – Returning to start Thursday vs. the Cards. He’ll need three decent starts before I even consider him. Burn me once, shame on you. Burn me twice, stop freakin’ burning me, pyro!
Chad Gaudin – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 Ks, 7 baserunners. Over IM, Rudy said this, “(Gaudin) is so hit or miss.” I said, “Yup.” Rudy then said, “But don’t put that in the roundup.” I said, “No problem.”
Max Scherzer – 7 IP, 2 ER, 9 Ks. I watched most of this game to see one thing, how does Scherzer throw so many pitches and not get out of the 7th inning? (That’s a complete lie. I watch every Diamondback game I can because of Mini Donkey.) Seems like Scherzer just gets himself into lots of deep counts. Kershaw and him really are the same pitcher.
Felipe Lopez – Hit his fifth homer yesterday. Man, he got cold as dog balls for a long time. Hitting one homer for all of May and June combined. At least steal some bases. You’re making me look bad! Hopefully, he can get hot for a few weeks and get into double digits for homers and steals.
Chris Volstad – Threw a five-hit shutout as he K’d 6. Guess who he was facing. Go ahead. I’ll wait. *taps finger* The Giants! C’mon, that was a gimme.
Dan Uggla – Hit his 16th homer yesterday, batting .223. Yeah, that’s not great. Need to raise that to .250 or hit about 5 more homers for that not to matter.
Oliver Perez – 5 IP, 2 ER. Wow, he had a solid game? 7 walks. Oh.
Joe Mauer – HR yesterday. He’s had four HRs since his insane 11 homer May. Maybe he had a BJ Upton playoff cortisone shot in May when he hit those 11 HRs. Not sure, but since then he’s returned to his high average, below average power ways.
David Aardsma – 3 ER, 5 baserunners, no outs. Aardsma’s showing why you can’t spell his last name without a Double A.
Roy Halladay – May approve a trade. Big news was the Yankees wouldn’t go after him. What about the Pirates? Will the Pirates go after him? Why isn’t that news?
Zach Greinke – 6 IP, 3 ER. Since June his ERA’s over 4 and his WHIP is above 1.30. Correia has been better. Snap!
Shane Victorino – 2-for-4, 2 steals. Just the other day I was asking for him to steal more. You’re welcome.
Homer Bailey – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 Ks. Since his recall, 3.44/1.20 with 13 Ks. Money? Not really, but we are in a recession. It’s decent.
Scott Kazmir – 6 1/3 IP, 7 ER. Doode is killing me. I mean, I have Gaudin and Wandy throw solid games then this guy comes along and throws this shizz. I’m close to punting him. Sometimes it’s just better to let someone else pick up the poison pill.
Ben Zobrist – HR yesterday and 4 RBIs… The Zo!
Scott Downs – Returned and gave up the game-winning single, but the earned run was charged to Frasor. Yeah, way to make the other guy look bad. I know that trick. Have I mentioned Rudy wanted to draft Kazmir? Rudy, “Yeah, Fred Lewis has been terrific.”
J.D. Drew – HR yesterday while leading off as Ellsbury hit 6th. What’s this, an OBP move? This is ridiculous. Can someone text Francona that he needs to switch these two?
Hiroki Kuroda – 4 1/3 IP, 4 ER vs. the Mets in Metco. This is one of the problems with Kuroda. Last year, he led the league in FLAKE, which is basically the deviation from start to start a pitcher has. It’s a real term. Well, I mean, as real as a term can be that is made up by a baseball geek in his Mom’s basement. Leave my socks there, it’s just dried glue!
Jose Contreras - 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 Ks. Since he came back from the minors, he’s pitching like he’s actually 37-years-old as his ESPN player card says. 37… Ha!
Ervin Santana – 4 IP, 5 ER. Yeah, things aren’t getting better. Let him have a shred of dignity and shut him down.
Taylor Teagarden – Hit his first homer of the year. Wow, member when you were thinking about drafting this guy?
Andruw Jones – 5 Hrs in the last four games as he batted cleanup. You don’t have to like the hot guy to pick up the hot guy. (<–Quote from He’s Just Not That Into You, but it applies here.)
Donald Veal – Returned from the DL. Surprisingly, he didn’t have a calf problem.
